From YourTango

Is there such a thing as ‘The Nice Guy Curse’? Is it even possible to be too nice? Men, the world over, have wondered why women continually pass up the quintessential nice guy who is loving, caring, giving, supportive, accommodating, faithful and head-over-heels in love with them.In the initial stage of a relationship there are many men who try really hard to make women happy.

In fact, they often bend over backwards to accomplish this task. If and when they enter into a deeper level of commitment, they often take things a step further. They begin to put their partner ahead of everyone and everything else in their lives.  While this may seem to accomplish the goal of making her happy, it actually does the complete opposite.If and when she actually becomes the most important thing in his life, she’ll start to lose her attraction for him. In fact, if he centers his life around her, it will actually drive her away.

She’ll start to resent the fact that his life revolves around hers and she’ll begin to lose respect for him as a man when he keeps adjusting to her every whim. Over time, the attraction she once had will slowly disintegrate until it is no more. While women do not possess an ‘attraction kill switch’, slowly but surely they begin to realize that something is different. Something is missing. What was once something has become nothing.

At this point, the ‘Nice Guy Curse’ has reared its ugly head. In his attempt to find out what went wrong, he is met with frustration and disappointment. Why? Simply put, women often have a hard time articulating the shift in their emotions, because it’s just a feeling they get. They really don’t know how to put it into words. The feeling is either there or it’s not.

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If I’ve said it once, I’d said it a dozen times: there is no such thing as a nice guy.

Proof of this comes courtesy of a new Tumblr site called Nice Guys of OkCupid, which features photos and online dating profiles of men, who claim to be “nice” and “good” guys, but prove themselves to be anything but nice to the women they are trying to date. One particular example of a self-proclaimed “nice” guy you will find on the dating site comes courtesy of a profile from a shirtless dude, posing in his bathroom mirror who writes,

“I used to be a nice guy for a long time. Then I realize the saying that nice guys finish last is true. If you think I’m wrong then ask yourself when was the last time you gave a nice guy a real chance? I was raised to be a good boy and treat women with respect…most women these days are Beyotches, slores or just a combo of the two which is pathetic.  

It is hard to imagine why this obvious nice catch is still on the market. I’m being factitious of course. But this Tumblr site, which features dozens of similar profiles from these self-professed “nice” guys, masterfully highlights what some are calling the “Nice Guy Syndrome,” a personality disorder, usually reserved for the bitter, socially awkward and narcissistic men, who rationalize any rejection they receive from the opposite sex as being the fault of women. Although not recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM-IV for short, cases of Nice Guy Syndrome can be found in just about all facets of society from the guy that got mad at you and called you a Beyotch because you didn’t want to give him your number, to the comment section of any website, where you will find “men” who like to leave degrading and disrespectful comments on women-focused sites. You can even find defenders of the Nice Guy Syndrome played out in both film and television, where a lovelorn yet “nice” male character is regretfully placed in the friend zone by some ungrateful Beyotch, who is only interested in dating the more alpha male character(s). Usually at the end of these films, the nice guy wins – either by claiming the heart of said misguided woman or punishing her for her stupidity through some sort of humiliation.

I too have personal experience with these quintessential “nice” guys. One such nice guy I dated told me that his singledom was the “fault” of all the black women in Philadelphia, who had bad attitudes and hardened exteriors. “You speak to some of these women and they roll their eyes and suck their teeth. These women don’t want to be treated with respect. They want to be mistreated and abused by thugs and dudes with cornrows,” he said. The cornrow thing felt kind of awkward and personal to me, like he was speaking of someone directly. But I took his truth as legitimate. I mean, dating is pretty rough in this city. But after a few more dates, I started noticing how condescending he could be in conversations, particularly talking to me like a man would talk to a small child. For some other woman, who may be looking for a father figure in their lives, it might have been a perfect match but for a person like me, who values my independence and ability to make decisions using my own mind, his personality and my personality felt at odds.

So one day over coffee, I told him very nicely that I thought we would probably be better suited as friends.  At first he seemed okay with our newly defined relationship status, but then he discovered I was dating someone else.  Then the crazy telephone calls and text messages started.  About a week or two later, I just so happened to run into him at a local coffee shop. He approached me and began demanding to know why I rejected him and began seeing this other guy.  When I didn’t give him the answer that satisfied him – basically one where I admitted that I was a dumb Beyotch (his words) – he followed me out the café and down the street to my car, all the while hurling expletives and very demeaning insults at me. I was more embarrassed than hurt, especially considering that his tantrum began to draw the attention of curious passersby, who stopped and gawked at the scene he was causing. That day, I made myself a promise to never date a self-proclaimed “nice” guy again.

For many of these “nice” guys, there is an air of entitlement, which leads them to believe that they are permitted to affections and attention of the opposite sex. And when that doesn’t happen, it is easy to blame the women than it is to deal with the fact that they are the reason.  Or probably more truthful, there is no reason. Sometimes, people just don’t gel and it has nothing to do with anything particularly about an individual person.

In fact, the true nicest guys are more self actualized to know that “nice” is simply a relative term. All of us have not-so-nice ways about us and have done some stuff in past relationships that we are not proud of. And just because a guy may hold a door open for you or says please or thank you or hasn’t hit you over the head with a club and dragged you back to his cave, doesn’t mean he should be rewarded with you either. Generally speaking, people are supposed to treat people decently – whether you want to date them or not.

As women we have it somewhat easier than the guys when it comes to the delicate subtleties of the dating world. While we undoubtedly go through our fair share of drama, I can’t help but feel like men are put at a disadvantage from the start. I mean it has to take a lot of guts to approach a woman, a complete stranger, trying to convince her she should get to know you better. As someone who doesn’t take kindly to rejection, that’s not a job I’d want…at all. While we women must show discernment when deciding who we’ll dedicate our time to, we shouldn’t eliminate potential suitors for no good reason. Many of us, not all but enough of us, have such shallow, downright frivolous criterion for even engaging in conversation with a man, that it needs to be addressed. Are you one of these women? Well, do you subscribe to one of these schools of thought?

When picking between a “bad guy” or “nice guy,” often times the “bad guy” wins the fight, but why?  It’s not so much that “nice” isn’t good, but for women  I think being good and attractive are two different things.

Check out these 7 reasons why women end up with bad boys instead of nice guys…

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There’s always been a debate between “nice guys” and “bad boys.”  For some reason women feel a sense of thrill of the unknown when it comes to instability of a bad boy.  On the other side, nice guys often get the reputation as a floor mat, with a weak backbone. So in the long-term, after the drama of high school, hierarchy of college, and politics of the work world, which guys “win?”  Explore this question by taking a look at 7 reasons nice guys actually end up the champion.

Do nice guys finish last or are some of us just dumb (myself included)? We all know the Lauren London’s of the world need a thug in their life and nice guys are more similar to the articulate 2pac than the thug life, gun toting, soldier Pac (gotta love his versatility). I’m not even sure I know what a nice guy is anymore, lately to be a good man you just have to have all your teeth, some education, a decent job and don’t act like Chris Brown (remember when Chrissy Pooh was a nice guy). I’m convinced that some nice guys get the best and last laugh and some dumb guys get that woman we all hear about; she cheats on him, treats him any kind of way, you know the women we all love to hate. But with this being such a popular saying I have to ask is the nice guy/gal finishing last or do they have horrible judgment when it comes to picking a mate?

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When we were young and we thought about our ideal man, he was perfect. He was smart and fine, charming and confident, sweet and sensitive with a little bit of an edge to him. As we got older we realized a little too fast that all these characteristics don’t always coexist. And if they do you there’s always the other part of the puzzle. He has to want you back.  (Kudos to the lucky, lucky sister who’s managed to snag this dream man.) Anyway when you were little, or even today you might pass on somebody you pegged as being “too nice.” Maybe you couldn’t articulate exactly what it was that you couldn’t stand about him; but here are the real reasons why you let that one get away.

Any woman in her right mind wants a nice, decent man. But there is a grave difference between a sweet, considerate man and one who waits on you hand and foot, never tells you no and agrees with everything you say. A man like that is called a pushover. And most women, except for those emasculating, controlling types won’t want to have anything to do with him.

Ladies if you’re having a little bit of trouble distinguishing between a pushover and a nice guy check out Black Voices breakdown. Their list includes traits like complimenting vs. obsessing and showing attention vs. smothering.

Check it out.

Nice guys don’t always finish last. I swear they don’t. They do often finish last early in life in the romance department because a lot of teenage and college age girls are kinda stuck on that whole bad boy thing.  We crave the ego maniacs who are so mean to everyone that any slight hint of interest feels like a crowning ceremony.  (She’s your queen to be!)

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