Darius and I were giggling teenagers. He’d say no-you-hang-up-first and I’d keep him on the line. We had those hold-on-I-gotta-pee conversations and we were drowning in a “relationship” we never thought would leave the phone. I remember many mornings, waking up with the receiver to my ear, hearing him snore on the other end of the line. I’d spend the whole day at school incessantly rewriting his name in my notebooks and rush home to call him once again. We were free-long-distance inseparable.

I met Darius on a trip to the Caribbean with my parents. After a whole day on the hotel’s beach and a bunch of virgin daiquiris, we exchanged numbers because he was leaving the next day. Darius was from California and I was from New York, at fifteen this felt like a million miles away. We promised that we’d see each other again, but knew somewhere deep down that our phone-fling would be over and we’d forget about each other. We were wrong. We kept talking until the sunlight up until our seventeenth year of life.

He came to New York for a high school summer internship. We exchanged texts his whole way to NYC and I was ecstatic because I was going to meet up with him after his first day of work. His last text resounded something like this:

“I can’t believe we’re in the same city. I can’t wait to see you.”

This was the start of June. I didn’t hear from Darius until August. I tried to call him several times, but he was nowhere to be found. The phone vibrated in my hand, “Hey. Let’s hang. I miss you.”

To make a long story short, we met up and had Italian ices in the park. He explained that the girls at his internship were so fine and interesting and he’d kind of forgotten about me after his first day here. He punched me in my arm after telling his story, “You know how it is right? We’re homies.”

I was utterly confused. The week before he’d come to New York, I was absolutely sure that he and I were an item. I guess I was wrong. I left Darius in that park and never answered a call/or text from him again.

A few days ago, after seven years, I received a Facebook friendship request from Darius. I was immediately excited and eager to accept, to see what he’d been up to.  After catching up in a few messages, Darius’ old self started to appear:

Darius: So you got a man huh? Nice. I should’ve totally been your man.
Me: Um, right…So, how’s your career?
Darius: Why are you avoiding it? I could have been your man, I’m sorry about what happened between us, but I had options then. I had to live. Feel me?

Instantly, everything came flooding back to me. I’d been so interested in seeing the progression of an old face that I’d forgotten about the sting of our demise. I immediately ran to my friends list and removed Darius. I didn’t want his drama in my life and judging by his commentary he hadn’t matured at all.

The phrase “forgive but don’t forget” is deemed cliché, but it possesses a truth we’ve certainly forgotten. In an age where we are so easily accessible through social networking, women are constantly confronted with the reliving of their past.

If I add him, does it say to the world that I’m over it?
If I don’t will he think I’m immature?
Do I care what he thinks?
Is a grudge worth it?
Does not wanting someone from a closed chapter in my current story a grudge?
Or is it growth?

After my Darius dilemma, I overheard two co-workers discussing these questions. It seems as if many women are fighting the urge to accept, afraid they might be caught up in the rapture or they’ll regret it.

I don’t think the notion of Facebook acceptance is the issue here. I think remembrance is. When your past comes to call, think about it. Sit for a moment, before checking for his new girl, his current city and the weight he’s put on. Let the memories flood you and ask yourself, “Is this someone I want in my life again?”

A lot of people don’t take the Internet seriously.

“So? The trial is over. We’re Facebook friends now. It’s all good.”

“That fight that me and his baby mother had was years ago, we’re cool, he just liked my status. See. Look.”

Let’s suppose he’s not the “like button” type. In fact, let’s pretend he’s the wait-till-you’re-online-to-press-chat type. What then? What happens when his reflections start to trigger your adrenaline and rip open the wound you thought you’d left behind?

My situation wasn’t that serious. Darius was a fool and I was glad we didn’t get more involved than we were. However, to the women who are pondering bringing that old thing back into their circle, remember:

A finished chapter is almost only reread for reference or re-experiencing enjoyment. Unless you need to reflect to keep yourself from making the same mistakes or resurrect a flicker of a relationship gone awry, there’s really no reason to go back.

If you do, I plead with you to remember. There is nothing more awkward than finding yourself reliving your blunders. I’m just saying.

“RivaFlowz” is a teacher and professional writer living in New York City. You can follow her on Twitter: @rivaflowz.

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bossip.com

In the past, we’ve talked about how you should proceed in terms of dating if you’re in the process of divorcing someone.  Some of you say “you’re married until you’re divorced” and others say, “What are you going to do? Sit around and just wait on paperwork?”  Well no matter what you think, these celebs didn’t wait for the ink on their papers to dry.  No, these folks hit the ground running…unsigned divorce papers be damned!

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From YourTango.com

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In the beginning of any courtship, everyone shows up wearing their finest mask and putting forth their best foot. We all can agree that we have found ourselves attracted to someone of the opposite sex who appeared to be perfect on paper until we discovered a little more about him or her that was a complete turn off. We could list a number of deal-breakers that can be a killjoy to a new relationship, but below you will find some of the top four that will shut down the fireworks of any new encounter.

1. Dishonesty

The discovery that a person is not who they say they are is the number one deal breaker. I once coached a client who dated a man that acted like he was a professional athlete who was a divorced doting father of two. Once the relationship got serious, she discovered that the man had a ton of debt, did not consistently pay his bills or child support and was still married to his wife albeit going through a divorce. Distrust from the start is a shot in the heart to any potential love encounter.

For the complete list, visit YourTango.com.

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From YourTango.com

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“Have faith that true love is meant to be and one day love will come shining through. No matter how sad your heart is, the love that you wish for will come true…if you believe.”

When a relationship is over, it’s time to let go. Holding on to a past love clutters up your heart and mind. Letting go opens up the space and possibilities to attract the partner of your dreams. Try these things to stop dwelling on the relationship you had with your ex.

For the list of 14 things to stop doing now, visit YourTango.com.

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When a long term relationship ends, it may take you some time, maybe even years to be “over” the person and the ending of that relationship. While you’re struggling to find closure, your former better half just might be walking down the aisle.

Say what?!?

Yes. While this certainly sucks, different people respond in different ways to heartbreak and coping.

Find out what a relationship expert has to say about this subject at Your Tango.com. 

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While most struggle with ridding people from their lives, others of us are quick to shut the door on people who we think mean us no good.

While these people could be friends or family members, a lot of times they are the people we were romantically involved with. Sometimes, you know without a shadow of a doubt that this person absolutely could not stay. But most times, there’s a gray area.

Find out if and when it’s appropriate to let an ex back into your life at Hello Beautiful.com.

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So many of us fail to realize that until we address and move beyond the issues that plague us, we won’t be able to move forward and receive all that life has for us.

Some of us are weighed down by baggage we don’t even know we’re carrying.

Make sure you’re not a woman plagued by your past relationships. Check out a list of things you need to release at Hello Beautiful.com.

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You might be reading this title thinking, why would I dump my ex? ‘Clearly, I’ve already dumped him (or he dumped me) or he wouldn’t be my ex, now would he. Duh.’ Well there’s no need to get smart missy. We all know just because you’ve technically broken up with someone doesn’t mean that you’re over him or her emotionally and psychologically.

Well, lucky for you, we’re here to help you with that.

We’re partnering with our friends at Your Tango.com to host a Twitter party to help you move on.

Check out the details below:

When: Wednesday, February 1, 3-6 PM EST

Where: Twitter.com

Who: You must follow @YourTango and @MadameNoire to join the party

How: When the party starts, search for #DumpUrEx in the Twitter search bar, and you’re in (make sure you select “All Tweets” to see everyone’s tweets)! To ask a question or post a response, you need to include #DumpUrEx in each of your tweets, or we won’t see them.

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Have you ever had a man you COULD NOT get out of your head? You thought time and distance might cure the longing but things didn’t change. In fact, they got worse.

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Dear Champ,

I’m a freshman in college and I’m finding I’m having some trouble in the love department. I’ve been single for almost a year now and my last relationship was quite well…horrible, to say the least. All the issues my ex and I had have been left in the past and we are on good terms (which was a big step for us). I want to start getting back out there and dating but I feel like guys only want one thing from me…the goods. I’m still a virgin and will be until I feel its the right time but that seems to be all the guys that talk I’ve talked to or approach me about. They say they just want to have fun right now but we can still do the do. NO Sir! I want something special and real but it seems unrealistic at this moment because college boys (or any other boys for that matter) are not trying to commit if you are not at least not putting out and I know I can’t be one of those girls. I know I’m pretty and that I have a lot to offer in a relationship and to a guy but I’m not the best looking girl around. I have realistic but high standards when it comes to guys, physically and personality/characteristic wise which makes me kind of picky so I turn a lot of guys down (or just because I don’t want another let down). Since I’ve been in college I’ve also had quite an attraction for white males but don’t know how to show them I’m a black girl that is interested in their race. I hate approaching males out of fear of rejection and because I want to be chased but I have before. I need some advise on how to find the “good guys” and maybe even branch out into new areas for love because my method doesn’t seem to be working. I recently meet a guy and he was almost everything I could have ask for but like all the guys I almost there is one little detail that sends me running. he had just got out of a relationship and was still in love with an ex who wanted nothign to do with him. I really liked this guy but for the sake of protecting myself from hurt, I stopped talking to him. I refuse to be in a relationship where I am not happy but at the same time I just want something real and to be in love. I guess I’m just looking for some advise from the male perspective.

Sincerely,

Single and Looking

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