All Articles Tagged "moving on"
Our goal is for Madame Noire to be a “no judgment” zone, so this is not going to be some type of lecture. But rather, a way for us to learn from our own bad behavior– or the bad behavior of others and do better. That being said, many of us have had moments in our romantic relationships that we’re less than proud of. Maybe you went extreme like Jazmine Sullivan and bust the windows out his car, maybe you started hooping and hollering in public causing an unnecessary scene, or maybe you tried to challenge his masculinity by talking down to him or even coming at his temple with two extended fingers. Whatever you did, you’re sorry and frankly embarrassed. Hopefully, your little indiscretion hasn’t resulted in your arrest, and you want to make it better and move on. Here are a few ways to get you started.
Pictures of him with another woman purposely being photographed (you can see a friend taking candids in some paparazzi shots) on a yacht somewhere in Italy certainly tell a thousand words, namely, I don’t care who knows or I hope these get back to Heidi. At this point in the game, it’s only been four months since Heidi and Seal announced their split, which by most accounts means it’s awfully soon to have replaced your wife of seven years. But then again, he seemed to not be the one drafted the papers in the first place so maybe this unnamed brunette is his way of coping.
Seal has been pretty mum about his pending divorce since people started questioning why he was running his mouth so much when Heidi hadn’t said a thing, but in a recent interview he told USA Today:
“I’m in an excellent place right now. In a situation like this, your priority is the children. As long as the children are happy, I’m happy.”
He certainly looks happy on that yacht. Check out more pics on TMZ. What do you think about Seal possibly moving on with a new woma already?
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In Finding the Right Path for You I wrote about my first time learning how to ride a bike. I had a bad habit of looking behind myself to see if my father was still holding on to the back. My habit was so bad that my aunt told me that Medusa was behind me (I was really big in Greek Mythology at the time… which is still going on now…) and if I were to look behind me I would turn into stone. However, that made me want to look back even more. Finally, I’m riding, my father let’s go, the wind is blowing through my hair, and for some reason, I look behind myself. Before I could comprehend the cries of: “LOOK OUT!” I run right into my father’s car.
Now, that would have been fine if I learned my lesson and that was the last time that it happened, but it wasn’t. By looking behind me while riding my bike with my sisters and friends I have successfully crashed into glass doors, people’s pets, and other people. But, the crash that made me finally decide to start looking forward was when I was riding my bike with my two older sisters, and I was in front. Afraid that I was being left out of the loop I looked behind, and before I knew it I was catapulted from my bike. After landing and skidding for what seemed like twenty minutes (though it was only like… five seconds), I got up to find that someone parked their car at the base of someone’s driveway, so their car’s butt was sticking out and that’s what I hit. I had large scrapes over my body that were filled up with dirt, rocks, and other street nitty gritty, my clothes were torn, and I had an inability to ride my bike. Even though I couldn’t ride, I hightailed it out of there before the owner of the car could see the large dent I caused. (I limped away from the scene of the crime like I was on the Olympic limping team. I definitely would have won the gold that day!)
Now, you might not be a bike rider, but anytime that you spend too much time looking behind yourself while you’re trying to move forward, you risk the danger of hurting yourself or someone else. Your past is there as a learning tool to help shape your future. But when you spend too much time looking back, that’s when you put yourself in “danger” by repeating the same mistakes over or by keeping yourself immobilized by not progressing. I realized that every time I looked behind myself was the moment that I would hurt myself.
After a while I realized that my fear was that I was going to be left behind, or left out of something fun. But that crash is what led me to being left out and being left behind. I had to wait until I fully healed before heading back out on my bike, while my sisters were cruising on their ten speeds.
The same principle is true now. If you spend too much time obsessing over your past, you’re going to miss out on opportunities that are happening right now. Too busy thinking about that ex who cheated on you three years ago? What about that cute tenderoni who’s showing you interest now, or did you not notice? Are you stressing about that old frenemey who did you bogus? What about the person who’s showing you unconditional love and friendship now? Still talking about that crazy boss you had? Can you still talk about that old boss while putting in job applications, please?
I’m not saying to ignore your past, but instead of obsessing over it, learn from it. Take a glance, not a step back, because honestly, there are things you can crash into everywhere!
Kendra Koger has been avoiding parked cars since 1992. Follow her on twitter @kkoger.
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I’m great at remembering. It’s probably the reason my favorite animal is an elephant, a pendant often strewn across my heavily burdened chest. Often, I find myself sifting through memories: A familiar song on the highway will push me through tunnel visions of a summer car ride and fling long gone. A passerby’s smell will trigger a yesterday. The awkwardness of someone’s jawline will remind me of the same one plastered on an ex’s face.
I’ve always counted on my reflections. Recollection has always been my forte; the ability to pull from the good and the bad when I’m apt to reiterate the same mistake or shiver at the good ones running down my spine. I’ve always been able to recall, the description of those I’ve loved, in metaphors and similes.
Lately, this talent has forsaken me. Actually if it were not for conversations with friends, highlighting this same issue in their partnerships, I would not have noticed it at all.
My memories were ruining my relationship.
I got into this habit of noticing reflections of exes’ behaviors with my new partner. One of my exes got into the habit of calling late. We’d digressed from the all day check-ins to speaking a few times a week and eventually nothing at all. He’d call around midnight, expressing his schedule was keeping him away, and tell me we’d speak tomorrow. We would, but it was always very briefly and bereft of the love we were once so immersed in.
Another past love, one who’d also been infatuated with the art of the word, frequently joined me at open mikes and poetry slams. We discussed rap lyrics on city steps until the wee hours of the morning, debating whether or not hip-hop was meeting its demise. We flipped through DVR’d HBO Def Poetry discussing the social issues that the poets slung through literary elements. After a while, his interests also began to deviate. Soon he’d grow frustrated at the mention of cafés and microphones, hanging out at the skate park instead. We’d grow apart slowly, my confusion a lingering voice through text messages and infrequent visits.
You see, I remember.
On a reunion episode of “The Challenge” Johnny Devenanzio, also known as Johnny Bananas, quoted his father by saying: “holding a grudge is like *crapping* in your pants. No one else feels it but you.” Trying to find truth in a reality show is sometimes like having enlightened conversations with a toddler. It doesn’t happen often; however, this was something that stayed with me because I do have a problem with holding onto grudges. But like my daughter’s diapers when she “craps” too much, you learn that it can rub off in other areas of your life, making them stink to the high heavens.
So to you, dear reader, are a few reasons why you should drop whatever grudge you’ve been holding onto.
Getting over a breakup is never an easy thing, especially if you were the one who was dumped. We may tell ourselves that we’re over him, that we’re better off and that he’ll never find another woman who loves him like we do – but deep down inside, we miss him. We might even want him back. These feelings fresh off a breakup are perfectly normal, and it’s okay to admit that we’re not over him just yet.
But if months and years go by and your feelings are still a little fuzzy, here are a few ways you can tell if you’re still in love with your ex…
Darius and I were giggling teenagers. He’d say no-you-hang-up-first and I’d keep him on the line. We had those hold-on-I-gotta-pee conversations and we were drowning in a “relationship” we never thought would leave the phone. I remember many mornings, waking up with the receiver to my ear, hearing him snore on the other end of the line. I’d spend the whole day at school incessantly rewriting his name in my notebooks and rush home to call him once again. We were free-long-distance inseparable.
I met Darius on a trip to the Caribbean with my parents. After a whole day on the hotel’s beach and a bunch of virgin daiquiris, we exchanged numbers because he was leaving the next day. Darius was from California and I was from New York, at fifteen this felt like a million miles away. We promised that we’d see each other again, but knew somewhere deep down that our phone-fling would be over and we’d forget about each other. We were wrong. We kept talking until the sunlight up until our seventeenth year of life.
He came to New York for a high school summer internship. We exchanged texts his whole way to NYC and I was ecstatic because I was going to meet up with him after his first day of work. His last text resounded something like this:
“I can’t believe we’re in the same city. I can’t wait to see you.”
This was the start of June. I didn’t hear from Darius until August. I tried to call him several times, but he was nowhere to be found. The phone vibrated in my hand, “Hey. Let’s hang. I miss you.”
To make a long story short, we met up and had Italian ices in the park. He explained that the girls at his internship were so fine and interesting and he’d kind of forgotten about me after his first day here. He punched me in my arm after telling his story, “You know how it is right? We’re homies.”
I was utterly confused. The week before he’d come to New York, I was absolutely sure that he and I were an item. I guess I was wrong. I left Darius in that park and never answered a call/or text from him again.
A few days ago, after seven years, I received a Facebook friendship request from Darius. I was immediately excited and eager to accept, to see what he’d been up to. After catching up in a few messages, Darius’ old self started to appear:
Darius: So you got a man huh? Nice. I should’ve totally been your man.
Me: Um, right…So, how’s your career?
Darius: Why are you avoiding it? I could have been your man, I’m sorry about what happened between us, but I had options then. I had to live. Feel me?
Instantly, everything came flooding back to me. I’d been so interested in seeing the progression of an old face that I’d forgotten about the sting of our demise. I immediately ran to my friends list and removed Darius. I didn’t want his drama in my life and judging by his commentary he hadn’t matured at all.
The phrase “forgive but don’t forget” is deemed cliché, but it possesses a truth we’ve certainly forgotten. In an age where we are so easily accessible through social networking, women are constantly confronted with the reliving of their past.
If I add him, does it say to the world that I’m over it?
If I don’t will he think I’m immature?
Do I care what he thinks?
Is a grudge worth it?
Does not wanting someone from a closed chapter in my current story a grudge?
Or is it growth?
After my Darius dilemma, I overheard two co-workers discussing these questions. It seems as if many women are fighting the urge to accept, afraid they might be caught up in the rapture or they’ll regret it.
I don’t think the notion of Facebook acceptance is the issue here. I think remembrance is. When your past comes to call, think about it. Sit for a moment, before checking for his new girl, his current city and the weight he’s put on. Let the memories flood you and ask yourself, “Is this someone I want in my life again?”
A lot of people don’t take the Internet seriously.
“So? The trial is over. We’re Facebook friends now. It’s all good.”
“That fight that me and his baby mother had was years ago, we’re cool, he just liked my status. See. Look.”
Let’s suppose he’s not the “like button” type. In fact, let’s pretend he’s the wait-till-you’re-online-to-press-chat type. What then? What happens when his reflections start to trigger your adrenaline and rip open the wound you thought you’d left behind?
My situation wasn’t that serious. Darius was a fool and I was glad we didn’t get more involved than we were. However, to the women who are pondering bringing that old thing back into their circle, remember:
A finished chapter is almost only reread for reference or re-experiencing enjoyment. Unless you need to reflect to keep yourself from making the same mistakes or resurrect a flicker of a relationship gone awry, there’s really no reason to go back.
If you do, I plead with you to remember. There is nothing more awkward than finding yourself reliving your blunders. I’m just saying.
“RivaFlowz” is a teacher and professional writer living in New York City. You can follow her on Twitter: @rivaflowz.
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In the past, we’ve talked about how you should proceed in terms of dating if you’re in the process of divorcing someone. Some of you say “you’re married until you’re divorced” and others say, “What are you going to do? Sit around and just wait on paperwork?” Well no matter what you think, these celebs didn’t wait for the ink on their papers to dry. No, these folks hit the ground running…unsigned divorce papers be damned!
In the beginning of any courtship, everyone shows up wearing their finest mask and putting forth their best foot. We all can agree that we have found ourselves attracted to someone of the opposite sex who appeared to be perfect on paper until we discovered a little more about him or her that was a complete turn off. We could list a number of deal-breakers that can be a killjoy to a new relationship, but below you will find some of the top four that will shut down the fireworks of any new encounter.
The discovery that a person is not who they say they are is the number one deal breaker. I once coached a client who dated a man that acted like he was a professional athlete who was a divorced doting father of two. Once the relationship got serious, she discovered that the man had a ton of debt, did not consistently pay his bills or child support and was still married to his wife albeit going through a divorce. Distrust from the start is a shot in the heart to any potential love encounter.
For the complete list, visit YourTango.com.
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“Have faith that true love is meant to be and one day love will come shining through. No matter how sad your heart is, the love that you wish for will come true…if you believe.”
When a relationship is over, it’s time to let go. Holding on to a past love clutters up your heart and mind. Letting go opens up the space and possibilities to attract the partner of your dreams. Try these things to stop dwelling on the relationship you had with your ex.
For the list of 14 things to stop doing now, visit YourTango.com.
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