All Articles Tagged "moving in together"
Before the entire day is spent configuring, packing, and taping up boxes; before the $300 is spent on movers; before giving up the apartment you love and searched for for months, and the selling of half your belongings that won’t fit in the new place, you should know—and we mean know—that cohabitation is more of a good idea than a bad one. And here’s how.
Dear Dr. Sherry,
I am writing to you for some relationship advice. I am in a happy place in my relationship with my soul mate. We have been dating for quite some time and have been living together for two years. He is in the midst of building a fabulous home and totally has me in his future plans, and I love it all.
The only problem is that he has recently told me that he will be having his teenage son come live with us full time. The teen has a number of issues that they fail to address, like obesity, constant bed-wetting, lack of manners and poor hygiene. Do I put my feelings of happiness on the back burner or try to work out the new living arrangement? I am hoping you can provide me with some help on this one.
Read what Dr. Sherry Blake has to say about this on Essence.com
When you move in with your boyfriend, a lot of his personal habits come to life that you never noticed before. Some of these affect the pillars of your relationship. Meanwhile some of them are just a mild inconvenience. Learn to pick out the things that matter from the things you should let slide for a peaceful, happier home!
I’m about to rock the worlds of the commitment-phobes out there, of the people that spurt out statistics about divorce any time you ask them why they’re single, of the people that use their unhealthy couple friends as evidence why they shouldn’t date. They hold onto these myths about long-term relationships for dear life, because these myths are the only thing letting them pretend that they’re not just deeply afraid of finding love, and pursuing it. Sorry to blow the cover off your plan, you forever-single’s.
Before moving in with a best friend, you sit down and think about all the reasons you would and wouldn’t make good housemates. You think about what changes you’ll have to make in order to keep the peace. You think about what quirks of theirs you’ll have to become more comfortable with. For some reason, couples don’t give that much attention to detail when considering moving in together. Fusing your life with somebody else’s will never be seamless, but mentally preparing yourself for the change can help fend off that panic moment of, “Ah! What have I done?!” So, be ready for this.
While planning our wedding, my husband and I talked about where we were going to live after getting married. I had a little one-bedroom apartment and he had a house, so the choice was a no-brainer. I’d moved four times in the past two years and though I actually liked always moving to a different place, the thought of having one address for an extended period of time was fairly intriguing. (I can’t tell you how many magazine subscriptions I’ve paid for that never actually caught up with me during all of my apartment hopping.) Still, I wanted us to move to a new place together. I was looking forward to house-hunting, picking out my neighborhood and taking a picture in front of our new house next to a “SOLD” sign. But putting his house up for sale in this housing market wasn’t so practical so three days before our wedding, I moved in with him.
The whole living together thing has actually been my favorite part of marriage. It’s like a sleepover with your best friend every night! We’ve been married less than a year so we’re still enjoying the novelty of waking up together every day. I think waiting until after the wedding to shack up helped prevent those post-wedding blues I’ve heard about. Apparently, after spending so much time planning the wedding, women can feel down after it’s over. Fortunately, adjusting to living together has been a new form of excitement and I don’t miss wedding planning At. All.
I don’t use the word “adjust” lightly though. Moving into a guy’s house can be a major adjustment. My husband’s place was not a gross bachelor pad by any means, but it’s pretty manly and I wanted to spruce it up. He’s done his best to make me feel welcome. He even told me I am free to paint, move things in and out, and decorate as I see fit, but it’s hard to feel 100 percent at home when moving to someone else’s place.
Decorating would help and that would be easy if I were one of those Martha Stewart-types who could transform a room using stuff they find at a yard sale. Unfortunately, I couldn’t even decorate an office cubicle if I were getting paid for it, let alone a house. People always ask me, “Have you decorated his place?” Ummm….I hung my vision board on a wall over my computer desk if that’s what they mean.
Fortunately, moving into a guy’s house isn’t as bad as some might think (nothing like the horror stories I heard before tying the knot). You always hear about the female neat freak marrying the male slob, but I think my husband may be even neater than I am. Go figure! Plus, considering he has been cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping in his own house for years, now that we live together he hasn’t suddenly forgotten how to use his dishwasher or laundry hamper. We share the chores and don’t get into any of the weird gender wars that I hear about from other new married couples. Of course, that may have to do with personality and not actually be a benefit of moving in with him as opposed to moving somewhere new. I’m not sure.
We’ve definitely learned a lot about each other in these first few months and I’m learning about myself too – like how I’ve always found it’s easier to complain and blame even the most ridiculous things on my own discontent instead of actually putting in the work to bring about change. For instance, I’d been complaining about our living room needing photos, so my husband offered to help me hang pictures on his day off. Well, our “day of decorating” ended up being him hanging photos while I sat in another room writing an article on my computer. Our wedding pictures are hanging up all over our living room now, but I can’t even take credit for that. Clearly, decorating wasn’t as high on my priority list as I’d made it seem with my complaints. Let’s hope he doesn’t ignore me next time!
I still think it’s ideal to move to a new place together instead of one person having to move into someone else’s space, but when that’s not an option, I’ve found moving into his place isn’t so bad. In fact, it’s actually pretty cool.
What do you think? Have you ever moved in with a guy? Did you find it hard to adjust to living in his place? Would you rather move somewhere new together?
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Cornise: How do I attract the mate I want? I keep getting hit on by guys I wouldn’t ever date?
DY: Before I answer that, you have to honestly ask yourself if the type of guys you want seem to be attracted to women like you. I’m bringing this up because, well, water seems to find its own level. And, if this is a problem you’re always having, you might need to change either the stuff you’re doing or the way you think about things. For curiosity’s sake, though, what type of guys usually hit on you, and what type of guys would you prefer to hit on you?
Pretty: When is a good time to discuss living together/marriage? I have been with my BF for 7 months and we are in love. Do you think it’s too soon to discuss these things?
DY: This answer is dependent on your age. (Basically, if you’re 25 or below, it’s definitely too soon) With that being said, if this is something you’re seriously thinking about, I think you should let him know its on your mind.
Marie: How do you keep a man happy sexually when he wants it all day every day? I love my man and our sex but sometimes it’s a lot for me but I don’t want to keep him unsatisfied.
DY: You know, your question raises a point I’ve always made in discussions about couples and sex. People put too much stress on sexual chemistry/compatibility — something that can get better with time — and not enough stress on libido compatibility. Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you. If you start sleeping with him more, you’re going to eventually feel like he’s only with you for the sex. But, if you two slow down, he might start to feel like you don’t value him or his needs. It’s a tricky situation, and I think the best way to handle it is just for you to tell him exactly how you’re feeling.
Marie: That’s exactly what’s been happening. I talked to him about it.. Told him let’s try going a day or two without it. Omgnesss was he cranky and kept bringing it up. Like we can have sex for two hours straight he cums 6-7xs and still in a hour maybe less ask for more.
DY: Yikes, lol. He must have a lot of…energy. I mean, if you’re already doing it pretty much every day and he’s still pressuring you for more, I’d remain him that he could always put his hand, a laptop, and some Vaseline to use.
Jamilah: How soon should I tell a man that I am a woman that wants to be only in a committed relationship. I don’t want to scare a man off but at the same time I don’t want to waste my time or his.
DY: Information like that should be shared in the first couple of conversations. You don’t have to blurt it out, but I do think you should find a way to insert it into the discussion. Like you said, no sense in wasting your time or his. Plus, the only guys who’d be “scared away’ are ones who weren’t considering that in the first place.
Rob: Wonders how much azz he gets as a result of all the advice he gives… nice hustle…
DY: If by “azz” you mean “carpal tunnel from typing 75 words per minute,” then I definitely get a ton of azz
Dear Gay Best Friend,
My situation is this. I’m in love with my co-worker and have been for the past year. I am a very jealous person and don’t know how to control it. When he and I first met, it was at our job. It was an immediate attraction from day one, and everyday all day we would either be on the phone or texting each other.
A couple of months go by and we ended up sleeping together. He tells me that he is married and I almost wanted to cry because I felt lied to. He constantly tells me about how unhappy he is in his marriage so I try be a good friend, and just listen. Soon after that he tells me he needed to talk and his marriage is unraveled and he wants out.
He moves out of his place and moves in with me. He has gotten a divorce since then, but first started talking about how he wanted to be with me and wanting to marry me. He would tell me this while he was married, and it puzzled me that he would still find the time to text and call me. I asked how is that possible? I mean where is your wife while you’re on the phone with me?
We haven’t been sleeping together because I’m bothered about his being so secretive. He is always texting and now my feelings have got caught up and I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m so unhappy because even though we aren’t sleeping together, our friendship is going down the drain because I sometimes act like I’m the girlfriend when I’m only his friend. We have both decided that being in a relationship isn’t healthy because I don’t trust him. My trust is because while he was married he was always texting me or hanging out with me. I don’t want to damage our friendship, but I am just wondering should I just call it quits and tell him to leave because I’ve been in tears wanting to be with him, but know it would never work out.
We are both going to school full-time and work full-time. I feel as though he is starting to talk to someone else because he seems to text all the time. I even talked to him about him texting because it bothers me. All I ask is that he gives me the same respect that I give him. He is sleeping in my bed and I’m not sleeping with anyone else so I just choose to be celibate. I can’t keep living like this and I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m in love and just want these feelings to go away. He tells me that I don’t have a right to ask him who he is texting because he pays his bills, and I know he is right but I wish I could find out.
I recently thought about downloading a program on his phone that will send all his text and calls to my email, but I feel like I’m way over the line. His pattern hasn’t changed with me and by that I mean he comes home at the same time and has never been late for work. Ugh! I feel so dumb. I respect all your thoughts on different situations but when you respond to me could you please not call me a Itchbay. I can deal with criticism but not disrespect thanks. – In Love With My Co-Worker
Find out what “The Gay Best Friend” had to say in response at Hello Beautiful.com
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