By j.n. salters

This letter is for my mother. Our mothers. Grandmothers. Aunts. Sisters. And all of the other black women who continue to raise black and brown warriors in this battlefield we call America. Who constantly find ways to make ends meet—in a world that continually fails to acknowledge your worth and beauty—just to keep smiles on our faces. To the only women who can grow roses from concrete. Turn scraps into Thanksgiving feasts. Who continue to love hard and wholeheartedly even when the world attempts to steal your joy. Still you rise.

I just want to say thank you. And that you are appreciated. Loved. Beautiful. Needed. I need you. WE NEED YOU. You deserve so much more than the words on this page. Than your lived realities. Than the media portrayals that negate your wonder. And caricature your splendor. Than the statistics that mock your circumstance. Ignoring your God-like abilities to raise invisible toy soldiers into Gabby Douglases and Quvenzhané Wallises. Turning forgotten flesh into souls on fire.

You deserve to have your faces carved into mountains. Plastered on dollar bills covering the faces of presidents who have stolen from you. Used your image against you. Lied to you. Made your plight invisible. You deserve to have your brown skin on every milk carton and news segment that privilege missing bodies that do not look like yours or your children’s. On the cover of every newspaper that fills its pages with stories of your fabricated inferiority. Leaving your existence in the margins. Near the end. At the back. We are Rosa Parks.

I wish everyone could see you from my eyes. Read the deep history embedded in your rich skin. The pigment of your imagination. The secrets that you hold in the arch of your back. How the sway of your hips creates masterpieces out of thin air. Reclaiming the fetishized movements of Sarah Baartman. How your thick-lipped words echo the endurance of Sojourner Truth. Ida B. Wells. Wilma Rudolph. Harriet Tubman. The everlasting effervescence of your soul that refuses to be broken. The miniature North Stars shining from your crescent-like eyes, leading us lost ones to freedom. Giving us the ability to dodge stray bullets. Dreams deferred. Project hallways turned Middle Passages.

I pray that they will someday see you. In me. In US.

With love,

One of your daughters

Source: YouTube

If you’re in need of a slight pick-me-upper, we’ve got just the thing to make you smile (and possibly even shed a few tears). A video recently surfaced of a young man explaining why he loves his mother so much and what inspired him to save his money and pay off her mortgage as a token of his appreciation.

“At one point in my life I hadn’t been home two and a half years. I hadn’t spoken to anyone or sent any e-mails. I remember the day I came back. I had all of my luggage with me. I just knocked at the door. She opened it. She said ‘Hi.’ She smiled and just asked me what I wanted for dinner. She didn’t ask me any questions. She just let me know in with everything I had. I guess it’s unconditional love,” the unnamed man expressed at the start of the video.

He proceeded to discuss how much he admired his mother for simply accepting him and how hard she works to take care of her family. As the video continues he reveals that he’s been saving his money to present his mother with a very special gift. The video then cuts to the man presenting his mother with a check to pay off the rest of her mortgage.

“Are you sure?” his mother asked, emotionally taken back by his gesture.

Ironically, the man reveals that he presented his mother with the heartwarming gift on his birthday.

“I realize birthdays are a tradition and that tradition dictates that one should celebrate their existence on the day on which they were born every year. However for me, my life has always been about what I can do for those around me. So for the last two and half years ive been saving my money, hoping to do right by a very special woman in my life. I know a lot of my friends wanted me to go out, to celebrate, but this for me is far greater then any gift/party I can hope for,” he wrote in the video description box.

Beautiful!

Check out the video below. Get your kleenex ready!

About This Episode

If you’re a Mother having problems getting your Baby to latch on when it comes to breastfeeding this bonus episode of Mommy In Chief  is for you. We’ve invited back Doctor Lisette Lugo, to offer advice and resources for Moms who are experiecing complications when it comes to breastfeeding.

About Dr. Lissette Lugo

About This Episode

We are back with a popular topic amongst moms – yes breastfeeding–and its benefits. We invited Doctor Lisette Lugo, founder and managing partner of Every Woman Wellness and obstetric anesthesiologist to clarify the breastfeeding role. Is it truly for every Mom?

About Dr. Lissette Lugo

About This Episode

In our  ’Mommy-to-be’ episode we briefly introduced you to birth doula Bilen Berhanu. Now, to gain better insight into the world of a doula, we have invited Bilen back to breakdown the benefits of having a doula during and after your pregnancy.

About Bilen Berhanu

Bilen Berhanu is a DONA-trained birth doula. Bilen has worked with families throughout New York city and the tri-state area. She has provided preconception consulting, pre-natal, labor, birth and post-partum support. Her practice is centered on a desire to provide pathways to empowered birth. Founded on a philosophy of honoring the wisdom of the body and the birth workers that came before, her approach is very grounded and embodied. For inquiries about services, email doula@bilenberhanu.com

Karyn Parsons is best known as the character “Hilary Banks” on the long-running television show, “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.” Today she is a wife and mother of two. Parsons is also the Founder and President of the Sweet Blackberry foundation after being inspired by the true tale of a determined slave and the remarkable lengths he travelled to find his freedom.  While growing up, Parsons’ mother, a librarian in the Black Resource Center of a library in South Central Los Angeles, would share stories of African-American accomplishment with her daughter.  A mother and activist, Karyn created Sweet Blackberry to use the power of stories to inspire youth. Follow her on Twitter @Karyn_Parsons.

Want More Mommy In Chief? Watch these episodes:

Season 3

• Episode 1: Mommy-To-Be: Pregnancy In 3 Stages

Season 2

• Episode 1: Are You A Good Enough Mother?
• Episode 2: New Motherhood and Balancing A Busy Work Life
• Episode 3: How to Decorate an Eco-Friendly Baby Nursery
• Episode 4: Foodie, Nicole Friday on Kids and Career
• Episode 5: Melissa Beck, From Hollywood to Stay At Home Mom
• Episode 6: Single Mom in The City
• Episode 7: Mommy Mogul and Marketing Wiz Monique Jackson at Home With Her Boys
• Episode 8: Beauty Maven Jodie Patterson Talks Four-Day Work Week for Moms 
• Episode 9: Tonya Lewis Lee on Motherhood and the Importance of Women’s Health

Season 1

• Episode 1: Back 2 School
• Episode 2: Happy Halloween
• Episode 3: Socially Responsible Kids
• Episode 4: Money Talks
• Episode 5: Keeping Families Healthy
• Episode 6: Thanksgiving Madness
• Episode 7: Highlights and Best Moments
• Episode 8: Stylish Moms
• Episode 9: Best Apps for Moms
• Episode 10: Socialite Kids
• Episode 11: Hair Talk with AfroBella
• Episode 12: Happy New Year!

Welcome to the third season of  Mommy In Chief! This season we’ll be touching upon all things mommy. That includes topics ranging from pregnancy to breast-feeding to adoption, to building your child’s self-esteem. We have a lot in store for Moms and Dads this season, so you don’t want to miss one single episode. Be sure to tune in every Monday for the latest episode of Mommy In Chief.

About This Episode

Moms-to-be, we know you are out there and so we’ve decided to dedicate this episode to helping you prepare for your baby’s arrival! That includes what to expect during your first, second and third trimesters.

About Bilen Berhanu

Bilen Berhanu is a DONA-trained birth doula. Bilen has worked with families throughout New York city and the tri-state area. She has provided preconception consulting, pre-natal, labor, birth and post-partum support. Her practice is centered on a desire to provide pathways to empowered birth. Founded on a philosophy of honoring the wisdom of the body and the birth workers that came before, her approach is very grounded and embodied. For inquiries about services, email doula@bilenberhanu.com

Source: Shutterstock

Is it just me or do you also go from grown a** woman with her own place who pays her own bills and stays out til whatever time her heels say it’s time to go home, to a pre-teen who is automatically in a position to get robbed, raped, or murdered anytime she goes home for the Holidays? When I was college and came home at Thanksgiving and Christmas, I expected the reigns to be a little tight. Afterall, I was only 18-21 and I understood I didn’t need to be rolling in my mother’s house all times of the night — or morning — even if I was about that life when I was back on campus. At 27 though? I’m going to need mama to chill out, and instead of creeping in my room to see if her child is nestled all snug in her bed, she turn her butt over and go back to sleep instead.

I’ll never forget the dramedies that occurred the last time I was at home this summer. When I was in between jobs I’d went back home for a few months and one of the “conditions” of my return was that I could not stay out til the wee hours of the morning. Cool. There aren’t too many places to hang out in my home town anyway and since I knew most of that rule was based on the fact that my mom didn’t want her car parked “just anywhere” when I went out, as if break-ins, accidents, and mirror scrapes are more likely to occur at night, I took careful precaution to catch rides with other people, and most times family members. Unfortunately for me, that didn’t matter.

The first time my mom went cray on me I was sitting in an iHop eating with my step-sister, who drove us, after the bar. It was maybe 2am and by my respectable hour radar I still had about an hour-and-a-half before I had to be back in the house. That was where me and my mom had a difference of opinion because slowly but surely the “are u ok” texts started to roll in, followed by the “see this is what I’m talking about” messages, concluded with, “ain’t nothing going on this time of night but trouble.” I chose not to respond and decided since I was being treated like a child, I’d have a child-like response and pout the entire next day and not speak to my mom. Surprisingly, she gave me an “I know I was bugging” good morning kiss and pretended like that whole text fiasco didn’t happen. I, foolishly, took that as a sign she would chill out, unfortunately that too was not the case.

I’d say just about every other time I went out late after that — including going to the casino with about 10 relatives over 40 during our family reunion — my mom was hitting me with the “is everything ok” texts. Sometimes I’d get the “whoever has you out this late should know to have you home at a respectable hour” messages that left me shaking my head at my mom thinking I had a better sex life than I actually did, and most times I’d end up spitting the same spiel to her. One, what do you do the other 357 days of the year when I’m not at home and I’m riding New York City subways and living by myself and walking home past crackheads and homeless people late at night? And two, what exactly would you be able to do if I was actually in trouble? Whether I’m out at 3p or 3am there’s an equal chance of disaster that you cannot stop. In fact, expecting me to text you back while I’m driving is probably increasing the odds of something bad happening so let’s just stop that altogether, k?

I realize those weren’t the most diplomatic and comforting thoughts to put in your mother’s head, but not being a mother myself I still can’t understand the answers she, and apparently every other concerned parent on this earth, gives when they’re riding their kids too much: they can’t sleep not knowing that you aren’t home.  My mom’s defense is that when I’m in New York she doesn’t know I’m out so she can just assume I’m home safe and sound, but when I’m at her house, and she gets up one of her routine 18 times of the night to use the bathroom or get a drink of water and sees the door to my room open, she can’t rest. I can’t front, it’s a sweet thought, but one that prohibits me from actually seeing friends — and family for that matter — back home who have their own spots and don’t have to answer to a mother like they’re 16 anymore.

I’ve tried to make peace with the Holiday oppression and accept the fact that when I’m home I’m going to have to revert back to that uncool kid response of “my mom won’t let me” or simply say “I can’t” and hope no one asks why when my friends want to hit up a club late. I also found that staying the night elsewhere helps because in her mind, if she knows I’m not coming home, she can’t worry about the time I actually get to someone else’s home. Still that’s a lot of work just to catch up with friends and family over a few days. I guess I’ll just have to take my mom’s word for it and assume I’ll understand when I have a child of my own. I’m not totally convinced I’ll go this hard though. I don’t think.

Do your parents still treat you like a child when you come home for the holidays?

Brande Victorian is the deputy editor for madamenoire.com. Follow her on twitter @Be_Vic.

Owen Beiny/WENN

Chad Johnson is so worried about what Evelyn is doing that according to one of the mothers of his children, he has become a deadbeat dad.

According to papers recently filed by Andrea Pearson, mother to his son born in 2010, Chad failed to pay his child support in the amount of $5,250 in October. Further, she says that he’s been consistently late on all of his payments for their child.  Part of the reason Pearson filed the papers so quickly is because she says that she cannot afford to take care of the child without that monthly support.

She’s also asking the court to lock Chad up until he pays his bill if he cannot immediately come up with the money.  Although he is currently unemployed (he was cut from his last football team after the domestic violence incident with Evelyn Lozada), Chad appears to be a big spender so it shouldn’t be hard to come up with this money.

But people close to Chad say they don’t even know where this is coming from because Chad has always provided for his son, including buying a house for Pearson.  So far, no word on which was the court will rule.

Chad, the last thing you need, if this is true, is an issue with taking care of your child. With all the time on his hands, he should be making sure he’s taking time for his son (and other kids), both financially and emotionally. It seems like the problems keep mounting for him.

By the way, why in the world are you, Andrea Pearson, having a kid by a man when you can’t afford to take care of it without receiving child support?  We all know taking care of children is a huge responsibility but that’s why we have a job (or two) to help us do the best we can.

Hopefully, this will all be cleared up soon.

Source

Watching “R&B Divas” last night (great show by the way), there were a lot of deep issues to pick apart but one of the lighter things that stuck out to me was the fact that six babies in, Keke Wyatt’s friends were throwing a baby shower for her. Where they do that at?

Immediately, I wondered if Keke knew how lucky she was (and where her hand-me-downs were from her other five kids) as my mind drifted back to a discussion I’d recently had with my coworkers about baby showers and the subsequent gift-giving that is required every time one of your family members, friends, or even distant associates decides to bring life into the world. When all was said and done, our consensus was that every mother is allotted one baby shower — two at the most if you have a child of a different sex somewhere down the line. It would seem, though, that we’re in the minority on that.

Just this summer, an old friend/acquaintance of mine was having a baby shower and did a Facebook tag letting me know I was invited. Initially, I thought, “aww this will be fun, let me think of what to get her.” As the days dragged on, right up until the morning of the shower, I’d talked myself all the way out of that pseudo-obligation. For one, she was on baby numero tres and had already had one of each sex — within four years. What could she possibly need besides some new onesies, diapers, and bottle nipples? With all the people tagged in that generic post, she would be fine. Second, I was in the midst of moving and knew I could find could use for the dollars I’d spend on her gift to finance my relocation. After all, I wasn’t having a going away or house warming party because, like her, this wasn’t my first time doing this. There was also the issue of a Facebook invite that made me feel less obligated to attend. I can admit I was a tad lazy and a bit selfish in my reasoning, but is it not a smidge self-centered to also expect people to shower you with presents every single time a single, perseverant sperm meets your egg?

Ironically, this weekend I came across the episode of “Sex & The City” when Carrie protested single women’s rights to shoes in light of the exorbitant amount of money she spent buying presents for her friend’s children only to be criticized for spending a pretty penny on herself. It’s true, when you are single and childless, you have a tendency to feel (and be treated) like Santa Claus all the freaking time. If it’s not a baby shower, a bridal shower, a bachelorette party, a wedding, or a christening, mother’s day and father’s day are sure to be around the corner. Even if you are your only financial obligation, doling out cash for these events every time they roll around can be taxing on one’s wallets. I won’t even get into the issue with people putting all of the expensive items on their registries, but when you start trying to double and triple up on these types of things, let’s just say you should be well-prepared to expect fewer and fewer RSVPs each time around.

And essentially, that’s all the person on the receiving end of such invites can do –not go. You can’t stop someone from wanting to celebrate their sixth baby or their third marriage, you can however suggest they check their attics and basements for the boxes of gifts they got the first time around and tell them to make it do what it do. Of course, they may be slightly offended if you aren’t the first person to arrive with the biggest gift-wrapped box in the room and the brightest bow on top, but there are plenty other ways you can show support for these monumental times without breaking your bank. Who wouldn’t want a babysitter, or someone to help them put together furniture, or re-decorate the nursery, or re-baby proof the house? Time, I have no issue giving; I’m just not trying to be one of the three wise men who comes bearing gifts every time the sun comes up. Making it rain may be a hot catch phrase for people with endless ends, but as far as I’m concerned you’re only allowed to be showered once per every major event in your life, you better get all that you can get out of me the first go-round.

What’s your stance on multiple baby showers, and even bridal showers and wedding gifts for divorcees?

Brande Victorian is the news and operations editor for madamenoire.com. Follow her on twitter @Be_Vic.

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• Bet You Didn’t Know: Secrets Behind The Making of “Diary of a Mad Black Woman”
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• Thank You Rihanna For Being Open About Chris Brown, Even If Some People Still Don’t Get It
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Sure ‘nough, the relationship between a woman and her son is much different than the relationship between a woman and her daughter, particularly in African American households, where in many cases women are the sole parent. The role of women in their son’s life is to not only act as supporter, nurturer and provider, but in an act of overcompensation, she acts as a coddler, a cheerleader and an enabler. Because mothers don’t always challenge their sons, they set a precedent for how Black men feel they should relate to other women, particularly in terms of intimate relationships. Men decide that it’s okay to demand a great deal from girlfriends/friends/wives, without anything in return; men feel that they can break things (like hearts) without having to pay for it. That said, positive mother-son relationships suggest positive intimate relationships. In the same light, men who have negative relationships with their mothers, sometimes, spend their entire lives punishing other women for whatever chaos transpired between the two.

Black mothers and sons adhere to several types of relationships, though, which span from unexceptionally close to distant and estranged. It’s about time that we take a look at these relationships, and see how these relationships affect sexual and intimate relationships between you and your significant others.

The Mama’s Boy:  The relationship with the Mama’s boy is perhaps the easiest to recognize, this mother-son combo are attached at the hip. This relationship is rooted in dependency from both ends, and each use that relationship as a convenient crutch, reinforcing the idea that no one will ever be good enough for him, and no one will ever be quite the woman that she is.

What this means for you: this means that you’ll have quite the shoes to fill. Not only do you have to constantly state that you are not his mother, you need to reiterate the fact that you’ll never be his mother, while always remaining respectful about it. While his mother’s approval is extremely important, she isn’t the decision maker in your relationship.

The Golden Boy: The relationship between ‘the golden boy’ and his mother is a balanced one; it’s rooted in support and reliability, without being overly dependent. Mother-son relationships like this can occur when the man is raised by an independent woman who makes time for family and outside hobbies, or she set rules and boundaries with her son without altering the foundation of their relationship.

What this means for you: the man grows up and is able to communicate well with women, respect women’s ideas, and engage in healthy relationships. His solid bond with his mother promotes his emotional intelligence; enabling him to express feelings of self-control, and he balances his robust masculinity with profound femininity.

The Indifferent Son/Rebel: Separation and early-on independence can be two components which can contribute to this maladjusted man, because of a detached mother. His mother may have been absent or dismissive, she may have worked too much or perhaps she didn’t cradle him enough when he cried. Because of this, he dismissed his mother’s authority and opinions. He is a man of circumstances, and he does not have secure attachment to with his mother. He is emotionally stagnant, difficult to read, forever brooding, and he can have questionable motives. His feelings of detachment could leave you in a perpetual state of “but he needs love.” The lack of interest for his mother and her well-being could translate to his failing interest in your relationship.