All Articles Tagged "men"
Some guys can be surprisingly clueless when it comes to sex. If he’s still making these beginner mistakes, it could be time to have that awkward conversation about why doing it with him just isn’t doing it for you.
Foreplay Is Always Necessary
Instant rip-your-clothes-off chemistry is rare. Women are just wired to warm up. But if he’s willing to put in the time it’s better for everyone involved.
If being hit on is one of the last things you want to happen while you’re out running errands or having some you time, then steer clear of these places! Men know you’re there, and they show up ready to spit game.
It’s 2014 and we’re all created equal…right? Men and women may be on more even footing than ever before, but there are still a few limits on us ladies lives. Quite a few if you really think about it.
Before we get too far into this conversation let’s remember that people shouldn’t feel the pressure of societal norms to make decisions in their personal lives. I’ve met several men and women who aren’t married and don’t desire to be married at any point in their life. I think I speak for everyone when I say that people who don’t want to be married should stay away from all people who do want to get married.
That won’t stop confusion from mounting over trying to reach a level of understanding around marriage in relationships, though. Most people don’t want to waste their time and, sadly, most people aren’t forthright with their longterm relationship plans. There are several people who end up dating a man for years only to find out in the end he doesn’t see her as the one for him long term. Many of these women wish they could’ve found this out early on and never wasted their time, but the reality is these men typically leave signs. And, truthfully, it’s not that hard to see them.
Many women put themselves in positions where they don’t want to see certain behavior for what it is or trust peoples words, but I can save you some time and heartache. If a man never mentions marriage, he isn’t interested in it. If he never mentions marriage with you, he isn’t interested in marrying you.
Despite the simplicity of those statements, people still tell lies and their actions almost never line up. If you’ve found yourself in a situation as such, here are three signs he’s not interested in marriage:
- He chooses quantity, but not quality as it pertains to you – He may spend a lot of time with you. He may spend a lot of money on you. However, he’s reluctant to give you the genuine interactions that lead you to believe he wants you to be a part of his inner circle. He doesn’t introduce you to his close friends, he hasn’t introduced you to his family, and/or he doesn’t spend important days with you.
- He still considers it “you and him” and not “us.” – One of the easiest ways to tell whether he’s planning for a future together is to pay attention to the way he words things. Anybody can talk a good game but they always slip up. I know for a fact that most men can’t keep a charade going forever. Sooner or later, either in his words or his actions, you realize there is no “us,” it’s just two individuals choosing to spend time together. It is at this point that you should bail as soon as possible.
- He still keeps secrets – If he’s still reluctant to let you into his private space then he’s not planning on ever marrying you. A few things I think truly builds the foundation of a marriage is truth, honesty and openness. These secrets may not even affect you or hurt your feelings but what they do is draw your attention to the fact that he has them. It may be things that he tells you he only feels comfortable sharing with his immediate family or closest friends but if he’s planning on marrying you, that’s part of his responsibility. (Full disclosure: There are several men who marry women and continue to keep secrets anyway; I’m just offering up a sign that he may not even try and marry you.)
All in all, you’ll have to make your own decisions. You’ll have to judge a man’s character and actions for yourself. You also may come to the conclusion that he isn’t’ trying to marry you and you’re perfectly okay with that. However, if you’re dating for purpose and you’re not getting what you want out of the situation then you should move on expeditiously. Don’t waste too much time in a flawed relationship that you know will never give you what you truly want. You’re better off moving on than staying in a relationship and trying to convince someone to do something they really don’t want to do.
As a general rule guys, if it’s not true, don’t say it. But even if you do think/feel/believe/do the following things, don’t say them. Nobody will believe you and everybody will call BS on these ridiculous things men say to impress women.
At some point during Steve Harvey’s “reign of terror,” there was an intense debate on the politics of when a woman should feel comfortable enough to sleep with a man of her choosing. The rhetoric at that time period stated a woman should enforce a 90-day rule in order to not lose the respect of the man she wanted to sleep with. The rule was also suggested to allow a woman time to properly assess whether the man in question actually liked her for her, or just liked her for sex. I was a relatively young lad at the time thinking to myself, “do mean really disrespect women if they sleep with them on the first date?” The short answer, per usual, is it depends on the man in question, but it bears writing that I have never actually seen this line of thinking in action.
In my personal conversations with men sleeping with women after a first date, I haven’t really heard anything negative. Sleeping together quickly doesn’t cancel out the chance for a relationship, her “worth” as a woman hasn’t been affected in a negative manner, and it hardly ever amounts to anything more than, “the date was great so we ended up having sex afterward.” Because I’ve seen that side of this particular situation so frequently it really hadn’t dawned on me that men felt the opposite way until I got a little older. So let’s address that.
Men who judge women for having sex with them on the first date are allowed to do so, although I’m not sure how they reconcile having less respect for a woman they chose to sleep with on a first date when they were active participants. For women, I’d imagine it’s a bit hard to tell when those are the men they’re choosing to sleep with (which may lend credence to Steve Harvey’s much maligned/celebrated plan to wait and see). In any event, I’m of the opinion a man judging a woman’s ability to make an adult decision based on the timeliness of sex, likely has his own issues regarding either sex or women’s sexuality. That might seem like a stretch, but when you consider the fact a man in this situation is essentially placing the blame solely on the woman and sees her as “less than” while not penalizing himself for doing the same, it doesn’t exactly speak highly of him. Women ought to be more cognizant of situations like that, but given the patriarchal society we live in, unfortunately, too many women will place the blame on themselves as well.
Switching gears a bit, I’d like to provide another perspective on this situation too. Over the course of my years on this Earth, I’ve heard a number of women assume that the reason a man didn’t want to date them after they had sex on the first date is because he no longer respected them. Being on the other side of that conversation as well, I can say the answer to that perception is a tad bit more varied than women would like to believe. In some cases, it isn’t really a problem of sleeping with a woman on the first date, rather the sex was weak so he simply opted not to further engage in the relationship anymore. In other cases, I’ve heard men say there were interested in a woman but the situation (as often happens in dating) just fell apart and never grew into anything. I say that to say there are times where women might attribute early sex as the reason why a man no longer wanted to date them when in reality it was something else entirely.
Suffice it to say there are men out there who no longer respect women after they have sex with them on the first date. There are also men out there who have loved and married women they slept with on the first date. There isn’t a universal answer on this topic. Chances are, if a man is penalizing a woman for having sex on the first date, he probably has a deeper issue which likely has nothing to do with women in general and everything to do with the society he grew up in and how thinks the actions of women should be dictated. In some cases, lack of respect after sex on the first date may not be why the relationship never matured. There were other factors, but that just happened to be the easiest one to point to.
Ever found yourself wondering just what the heck is wrong with him? Sometimes the simple answer is “nothing.” Men and women just operate on different wavelengths. Once you clue in to what’s going on in his head, you might be able to stop having so many misunderstandings.
He’s Not That Complicated
Want to stop a lot of arguments before they start? Stop digging deeper. If he says he’s “fine” it might really be true. Women speak in hints, but men tend to say what they mean. Instead of pushing for what’s not there, wait for him to bring up what he’s thinking.
Men speak another language. And sometimes they don’t say anything at all. He might not have the courage to tell you out loud, but unhappy partners give off plenty of signs that they’re done. Pay attention to the clues and you won’t get blindsided by the end of your relationship.
You Watch Anderson Cooper During Dinner
What started out as comfortable silence has turned into dead air. Now you spend your meal times watching in silence, wondering what he’s thinking.
Before we start the conversation about submitting to one’s spouse I need to share something my dad told me about marriage a long time ago. He said, “You need to love your wife, take care of your wife, provide for her and if you are handling all your responsibilities as a husband and father then your wife should submit to you.… just don’t ever use the word, ‘submit’ when you’re talking to them.”
For some, my dad’s words either ring true or offensive, but let’s keep in mind when this instruction of submission was handed down it was given to us during a time when I’m not sure we could take anything men said all that seriously. It was a time when men technically owned everything they wanted to own and did some questionable things along the way too. My apologies if I offend anyone, but I feel slightly awkward taking instructions from men who owned women — multiple women — and didn’t really start moving towards gender equality for about 2,000 years later.
If we want to talk about the concepts that are trying to be conveyed under the umbrella of submission, it’s probably best we talk about the way a husband should submit to his wife in a very basic form. It’s the choice you make to love your wife that reflects your dedication to serving her every need. It’s important that we realize it’s a choice; not something to be forced or commanded. If submission was forced or spouses did it out of obligation then it wouldn’t be genuine. It would’t be an indication of how deeply you love your spouse, it would be a chore. From experience I can say that at first men don’t mind doing a chore but after a while if it isn’t based in something deeper, the interest will wane.
Without getting too much into gender roles in society, men have a duty to protect and provide. They also have to generally seek out their wife’s happiness. A wife won’t always be happy but a husband shouldn’t seek anything less. His submission is based in providing said needs without requiring any credit for it. It’s something he can do in the background and that doesn’t offer the option of taking days off. Above all else, there is a dedication to “execute” these duties and sustain his marriage.
There’s space to have a discourse on whether there is any real difference between a husband and a wife’s submission, but the reality is there’s a lot of crossover. As a mother and wife, a woman shouldn’t take days off from providing her partner and child’s needs either. For men, submission only seemingly looks different than it does for women, but the foundation is the same: a choice to love.
Men have been trying figure out what women really men when they say the following things for years… Help a brother out today and send him the link.
In other words, “Go ahead and do it and see what happens.”