All Articles Tagged "men"
The Twitter display from David Justice and Eric Benet directed at Halle Berry was, for many women, a clear and undeniable display of b-tcha–ness. We’re not exactly co-signing that claim but we felt this was a good opportunity to lay some ground rules for what exactly qualifies a man as a male b-tch, or mitch as they’re called these days.
So, here are a few signs to be aware of when it comes to your mitchdar. Feel free to add your own additons in the comments section.
Some might say the human being lives and breathes for sex—that everything we do, is for sex. If we’re nice to someone it’s because somewhere, somehow, it’s going to get us sex. If we work hard at something—sex. I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say that, but I will say you’ll spend a lot of time, concern, energy and even money on sex in your lifetime. Here are some things I wish I’d known before having tons of sex that would have saved me all of the above.
When I began dating, I had a list of the types of men that I would so-called never date. This list included married men, men with children, men who didn’t get along with their mothers, men who didn’t believe in God, and the list goes on. However, as began to I approach my 30’s, I began to relax that list a bit and take a different approaching to dating. I began to venture outside of my bullet point list and dated men with children and men weren’t Christian but who believed in “something” greater than themselves. I figured if a good guy came in a package that wasn’t necessarily what I expected, I should still give him chance a because I could be missing out on something great. So, I adjusted my list.
Today, I’m married to a man who has been divorced before and has three kids. Talk about relaxing my standards, huh? When I broke the news to my mother about my new suitor, she wasn’t too thrilled, and I can’t say I blame her. I have a son and if he came to me saying he’d met a woman who was divorced with three kids by three different men, I’d probably react with a hesitant pause. Even still, with my son I am raising him to have keen judgment when it comes to people and comprehend that none of those things will matter in the end. But I’d be lying if I said people don’t judge others at all, even just a tiny bit. Although he was the exact opposite of everything I imagined I wanted, I couldn’t bring myself to say no when he proposed. Despite it all, I had already managed to fall in love with him–divorce, three kids and all.
Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having standards and not settling. However, there also is nothing wrong with marrying a man who is the total opposite of everything your friends, family or even you thought you’d end up with. It’s hard to imagine that a person could fall in love with someone who falls on their list of “don’ts” but it can happen. Everyone is different and that’s what makes our intimate relationships unique. But with that being said, there still has to be a line drawn in the sand somewhere. That’s where you have to pose some questions to yourself: What would make you not marry someone? Would you throw love away because you know you can’t raise a child with someone who is a Muslim per se? Or who has five ex wives? Should you ignore red flags in the face of love or would that be relationship suicide?
For some, the list of deal breakers gets longer as you get older simply because you experience more things you don’t want to be involved with. Also, with age, you have more time to sort through your issues and pretty much expect your potential partner to have done the same. Before I married my husband, I thought I knew myself and what I could and could not deal with – therefore I thought he’d never become my husband – until he did. I changed my mind and his love convinced me that maybe what I thought I knew was actually wrong all this time. I gave in. I simply couldn’t help it; I had to be true to myself.
Although I relaxed my list, I still kept a fair amount of my standards in tact. So, just how strict should we be? While I see nothing wrong with being selective, I honestly am not sure if we are blocking our blessings by being so set in our ways. I can say that believe promptly weeding out undesirable suitors vastly improves the quality of the relationship once you find him. In my case, I drew a line, tested the waters, comfortably crossed it and have been happy ever since.
A couple of days ago a friend and I were discussing another mutual friend–we’ll call her “Roslyn”–who was going through a divorce. Although the divorce hadn’t been finalized, her and her no ex-husband went their separate ways nearly two years ago. This resulted in him moving out and getting his own place, and quickly moving on to a new girlfriend. Even still, they were in contact as they share custody of their three kids. When I asked a mutual friend if Roslyn was dating, she informed me that although Roslyn had gone on a date or two here and there, she was just not ready. “Roslyn doesn’t feel “single” yet,” she said.
As a woman who has had the experience of dating two different men who were going through a divorce, I can unequivocally say that I’ll never date a married but separated man again. One was simply not emotionally ready to move on, while the other informed me after five months of dating that he was going to go back and give it another shot with his wife–only for them to end up divorced anyway. Honestly, it was just too much drama for me. So, until a man was totally free and wasn’t involved with any other women that could claim him as her husband, I stayed away. Now, as a married woman myself, I can say with some degree of certainty that if my husband and I were to divorce, I wouldn’t want to rush right back into another serious relationship. But that’s just me.
All circumstance are different, so it’s hard to say if a person should date someone who is in the process of a divorce or not. While most divorces can be sad, nasty and drawn out, others can be quick and painless. But often times there’s a grey area where both parties know the relationship has run its course and are ready to move on, but they have to figure out how to divide custody of the kids and shared assets. This can take months, if not years, with lawyers are the only ones tying the two people together. Dating someone in that circumstance might not be risky, but love is a risk no matter what. However, even if you play out many different scenarios in your head, you still will not be fully informed on your situation and how you should proceed.
Like any other matter of the heart, your gut is your best tool to use when trying to decide if dating someone who is separated is worth it. Assess his situation thoroughly: How long has he been separated? Does he live alone? Are there kids involved and/or assets that need to be split? Does he seem emotionally available or over her completely? Just because a man is over his ex doesn’t mean he’s ready to be in a committed relationship again. He could still be mourning the end of the marriage even though he’s dating. Sometimes people use others to help them get over that loss, which we call a rebound.
Ladies, if you’re not sure if you’re just a rebound helping him to transition from marriage to single-hood, then avoid dating men who are separated and not divorced. If you do decide to date him, take it slow. There should be no pressure on him to define your relationship, divulge if he’s ready to get married again or even if he sees a future with you. Chances are he’s still reeling from the shock of his failed marriage to even begin to think about the possibility of going down that road again.
Again, not all men and women are emotional and financial wrecks after a divorce. Some even believe in the institution of marriage, and hope to marry the right person the second or even third time around. But like all relationships that you might hope turn into a long-term commitment, take your time getting to know him. Ask important questions–the cause of the breakup in the first place– so you can make informed decisions on how you’d like to proceed. And if marriage is what you ultimately aspire to, make sure you discover over the course of getting to know him if he’s willing to do it again in time.
No one can know for sure how dating and falling in love will turn out, but your intuition can let you know if dating a guy who is separated but not divorced is worth it. If you have any doubts or feel that he’s just using you to get over his ex, then don’t do it. If you’re unsure, it’s best to wait until he’s free, for real. And if he’s the one, he’ll come looking for you when the ink is dry.
In the comic book world, there is a land called Amazonian that created the super hero Wonder Woman. Amazons. These Amazons were described as a finer grade of women, greater woman, smarter women…hotter women and they all lived on this island with no men. I’ve never seen a woman of color come out of Amazonia, even in fiction. The Essence Music Festival is probably what it would look like if it did exist. Black women in all of their glory, but I was not there.
When I started hearing about Essence Music Festival, I was a married man and the raging, fictional beast within feared going to such a land of ladies. My will power inside of marriage was impeccable, but I never wanted the Creator to place me in a situation that I would test my marital fortitude. So, I never went. And this year was no different.
However, I was there in social media spirit and pathetically watched it play out over the weekend.
I became a voyeur, an act I almost never indulge in. I “attended” the Essence awards through the ladies that I know on social media. It was tortuous in a great many ways. The festival, held annually in New Orleans, looked like a sea of good skin, fun and sisterly love. I saw selfies I wanted to photo bomb. Concerts I wanted to attend and women I wanted to meet.
Mind you, I’m not even talking sexually – not mostly. Obviously, most women there were beautiful but I just find women to be the more interesting gender overall. Outside of frats, gangs and sports, men really don’t have any show of brotherly love like this Essence Fest thing. Ok, we had the Million Man March – ONCE – 20 years ago! Women gave us a lot of flack for not being included in that.
These days, we men need to have a “party with a purpose” like the Essence Music Festival.
I don’t know if that would work though.
Men tend to have a hard time acting right when we gather in mass. Perhaps we could do like Essence Fest and have different performances, seminars, booths and improve the healthy, wealth and action of our men. Lord, knows we need it. We could teach them how to act when the police pull them over. Teach cats how to tie a bow tie. We could have formal events where we bring our significant others – or not. There could be sports exhibitions and contests for those in proper shape. Those not in shape, can get counseling on how to get in better health. You get the picture.
I didn’t even realize that the event, which always happens around July 4th, is the single largest music festival geared towards African Americans in the United States. No wonder all my industry peers were showing off in there respective Instagram accounts. Perhaps a male version could happen on Juneteenth (June 19), the real celebration of independence for African Americans. Usher sported a shirt that had everybody talking. See it here on Instagram. Yes, one of our staffers was there in all her glory.
So, I suppose I have contradicted myself. While I do think women are inherently more interesting, that may be due to my inability to find enough Black man that are about “more.” Where are the men that reject stupid rap and R&B. Where are the men, like me, that prefer Afropunk to anything that’s playing on the radio? Where are the men active in the community and chide the racist regime that is crushing us, making us apathetic to our own deaths? Where are the men that love their brother and call him King instead of n***er? Where are the men that will defend their women and their families? Where are the OGs that gently nudge the youth into a more positive direction? Where are the intellectuals? Where are the chameleons that live a corporate life in the day and a wild, rap life at night? I know these people, but we need more.
So, my friend tells me that Essence is more of a couples event, rather than just for Black women. It is becoming a more family oriented affair as time goes on. That’s a good thing and it make sense. That seems evident since Kendrick Lamar headlined this year, but Frankie Beverly and Maze, Mary J. Blige, Missy Elliot, Usher and many others were highlights. So, for now on, I’ll keep my silly questions to myself and get ready to go to the mythic land of Wonder Women in 2016.
When it comes to what women find sexy about them, men can be pretty clueless. And we’re kind of glad they don’t know about everything on this list.
Boy crazy: it doesn’t just happen to teens. We all go through a phase where men hold too much power in our lives — or at least more power and influence than they should. Here’s how to spot the signs, and how to take your power back.
Last week, a fellow MadameNoire editor published a piece for her Working It Out column based on her profound weight loss journey. Titled, I’ve Lost 78 Pounds And Have No Man To Show For It, her article centered around how your dating expectations change after you lose weight. After reading it, I excitedly shared the essay on my personal Facebook page to show off how amazing she looks and to inspire others who desire to make healthy changes in their lives. In the piece, Brande candidly wrote about the annoyance all women face when they make significant physical changes for themselves but also expect the finest brotha to sweep them off those pedicured toes because they did their “work” so to speak. #AuntieIyanlaTaughtMe
Many female readers related to this point while others comprehended her piece a little differently. The latter took it as an opportunity to channel their inner gurus to help Brande not long for a man, but rather love herself.
As the two opposing teams debated Brande’s personality, self-esteem, and looks, another perspective was revealed and it had everything to do with men. The male-bashing proposed answer as to why Brande had no man presented itself in the first comment on my shared Facebook link:
“Because these men aint sh!t. i been tryna tell yall.”
When I saw who posted the comment, I chose not to respond. Personally, I don’t invest in “Men ain’t ish” conversations and avoid them like urine spilled on subway steps. After all, social media commentary can easily be misread and lead to arguments that unnecessarily breed humiliation and resentment. Plus, the commenter was a woman who I considered a good friend and a former colleague, so there was no need to engage in a Facebook debate. If I needed to tell her something about herself, I’d do it on the side.
Since I didn’t take an opportunity to respond, of course, others did. Two male friends of mine replied to the remark: one with several laughing emojis (tears included) and another, who also knew the commenter, with:
“Yo, you gotta let that hurt go. [sips tea]”
I, of course, immediately broke down into giggles. When I shared what made me laugh with my coworkers, one editor asked the realest question: “Girl, imagine if you said the same thing? There would have been drama, but when men give women the real, it’s as though they’ve been given an epiphany.”
Sure enough, my friend’s reply to the man putting her in her place, so to speak, was a mixture of “bwahahahaha” and compliments. She focused on how great Brande looks while dismissing the palm tree he planted in her front yard. Interestingly enough, this is not the first time I’ve witnessed this.
I’ve lost a female friend or two by telling them to focus on more important things than their negative emotions or drama, only to be met with reactions that mimic rounds of WWIII fights on the USA channel. Strangely enough, when their male friends or significant others tell them the same thing it is as though Jesus gave them a special page out of his unpublished scribes. The same can be applied for dating advice. When the editors here give their two cents to readers (who ask these questions by the way), we’re called angry, bitter, white-men-loving b****es. Whereas male celebrities and relationships experts are met with praise, no matter how ridiculous their opinions (unless they’re Steve Harvey or Tyrese).
Some people believe women don’t receive advice well from other women because they view their gender as competition, or simply hateful. Others tend to think men will be romantically impressed and flattered by a woman being submissive to their truth; and some basically believe men have all the answers. Although I’m not sure what the real driving force is, what I do know is it’s extremely disheartening to see women’s suspicions raise when another woman gives them a good word but their hearts flutter and their minds open when someone else delivers a similarly harsh truth (or not) simply because they have a different set of reproductive organs. We’ve gotta let that hurt go too.
Have you witnessed women agree with something a man said but go off on a woman for saying the exact same thing?
I’m sure many of us have found ourselves standing in Duane Reade, Walgreens, Rite Aid or CVS for several minutes while trying to figure out the “right” brand of condom to buy. Companies like Trojan have made millions as they have marketed their Magnum brand as the go-to condom for the well-endowed male. And while some men honestly need the extra space, it is assumed that other guys go for the larger gold wrapper because they want to seem like “the man.” Why? Because there is a popular opinion that the larger a male is down there, the better sex will be. However, some have disputed this assumption by saying it’s not the size of the equipment, but how you use it.
As I assembled a think tank of both men and women, I was very amused by the feedback that I received, and the explanations given for why both men and women place so much emphasis on penis size. So with that being said, does size really matter?
“No man ever feels his penis is small. We tend to feel like the man until she tells us it’s small.” That was an opinion expressed during an interview with one of the men about the assumed penis size obsession. I was surprised to learn that most men don’t put as much thought into their penis as women do. When I asked why does size matter to men, many responded with “Do you mean women?” I was amused to learn that most of the guys I talked to think that the simple fact that they have a penis is enough for them to feel good about themselves. And unless you’re one of those guys who just likes to sit around and talk about his penis all the time, some of the guys I spoke to claimed that most men aren’t that insecure. A few who admitted to being insecure agreed that they didn’t second-guess themselves until a woman criticized their penis size and made them feel small.
It got a little rowdy when some got passionate about how ruthless some women can be about penis size. Regardless of girth, if a guy feels he can make you orgasm, and he has done so, his penis size shouldn’t matter. Some had the idea that sex is sex. If a guy has a big heart and he expresses his love even bigger, a woman should be more accepting and less shallow. Coming into the conversation with my own judgments, I didn’t expect the type of feedback I received. I was waiting for the men to talk about how big their penises were and go on their ego trips. However, most were quiet and very honest about the fact that size doesn’t matter to them.
Most of the women I spoke to said they believe size does matter. In fact, the men they entertain should be well within average size. When asked what the average size in inches they preferred is, some of the women I spoke to did agree on nine to 10 inches, which the men found to be completely insane. Only a few women felt their partner’s penis size doesn’t matter, and they said it isn’t a factor as long as the sex is still pleasurable. “What’s the point in having a huge penis if you don’t know what to do with it?” one woman said. Another woman believed that sex itself is a constant work in progress when you first meet someone. Therefore, learning how to explore each other’s bodies is more important. But when asked flat out, none of the women said they would settle for a man with a small penis.
The average male penis size is five to six inches when erect. For women, the length of the vagina is approximately five inches deep, so it sounds like a perfect fit, right? However, according to preliminary research conducted by the Sexual Psycho-physiology and Affective Neuroscience Laboratory, women prefer slightly larger than average penises for both casual sex and long-term relationships. As a result of this, their partners are prone to “small penis syndrome,” which is a condition where men, despite having average penis sizes, may feel inferior. Sexologist Ian Kerner observed that the average woman who believes that size matters has also never experienced an orgasm, which could be the reason for her views on size. And according to sex therapist Debby Herbenick, it isn’t unusual for most women to not have experienced an orgasm due to a lack of direct clitoral stimulation. Herbenick suggests trying different positions to increase that stimulation.
Seven out of eight women (84%) claim they are satisfied with their partner sexually regardless of size. The remaining 16% hold to their views on size being imperative. At the end of the day, the men argued that it’s not about the size, but how well you can handle your equipment. But what about you? Would you say that size matters?
To the girl who stole with my crush in eighth grade, to the mean girls who whisper behind everyone’s back, these men are for you.