All Articles Tagged "men"
You can love a man without loving everything about him. These are the bad habits that women can’t stand and some men just can’t help.
He pretends like he’s tuning in but fails the “what did I just say” pop quiz. Do men just have trouble paying attention? And where do their minds go when we’re doing all of that talking?
About a month ago, my closest male friend Dionne Warwicked me and told me rather bluntly that I’m going to be single for the rest of my life. This guy is no fortune teller but one simple item on my list of things desired in a man led him to predict a lifetime of solidarity: I’d like the man that I marry to have the same income as I do. How dare I right?
Now to be completely transparent, in the past I’ve been “involved” with characters who not only didn’t have a pot to piss in, they had to borrow one and likely a few dollars for transportation to return it. And while I have a great income for a single woman in New York City, Sallie Mae owns my behind until 2038 or something like that and I have two more years before a few small debts are completely wiped out. At that point, I won’t be balling out of control, but I will be at a place where savings and discretionary income aren’t an issue and (gasp!) I’d actually like the person I spend the rest of my life with to be in the same boat, rather than on a raft drifting out to sea trying to play catch up.
I really didn’t realize I was apparently asking for the moon and the stars to come together in perfect alignment when I shared a wish that, to me, was rather simple and reasonable — and honestly negotiable at the time. But the more I was forced to defend my soft requirement, first to the friend mentioned above and then to other friends (male and female) whose opinions I sought after our disagreement, I became that much more adamant about sticking to what I want. Firstly, I became rather annoyed with the undertone in my discussions that men are the only ones allowed to have an unwavering checklist of requirements. No one tells men who don’t want to date women with kids to be more open-minded or men who won’t date women on the thicker side to be less superficial. Why all of a sudden is it when I say, “hey, just a thought here, but I’d like someone to come to the table with the same thing I am financially” are my standards suddenly too high?
Perhaps the perception here is that I want someone to take care of me, which would miss the whole part where I said the same income not higher, but because people tend to read their own insecurities into things, allow me to explain. I’m not looking for a one-sided upgrade, I’m working toward financial freedom that would allow me to travel, have a decent savings, and provide for children should I have them and I need a partner who can share the load, not become one of the expenses. I was raised by a single mother, and though I always had everything I needed when I grew up, I certainly missed out on experiences that would have been beneficial to my adolescent development and was left a bit financially handicapped as a young woman, particularly when I graduated from school and Sallie and her goons came knocking. The bottom line is at 29 I’m not trying to go backward and I refuse to believe it’s outrageous to require something of someone else that I require of myself, regardless of the stats people have thrown my way about the median income in America and the statistical probability of someone I meet rising above that.
Of course when any woman raises this issue, the topic also gets convoluted with questions like “well what about the way he treats you?” Oh, I’m sorry is it impossible to meet someone making decent pay who also respects women and treats them well? Didn’t realize I was out here searching for a unicorn. Money and manners are two separate topics. If I can be a decent human being and bring home a decent pay, surely someone with different reproductive organs can do the same. There’s nothing mutually exclusive about either requirement. And yet this morning I came across an article by Terrell Jermaine Starr on The Root in which the single 34-year-old proclaims he hasn’t had a girlfriend since he was a freshman in college in 1998 and has gone as long as five years without sex, all of which he attributes to his income which he admits is on the lower end of the spectrum. Reading his essay immediately dredged up images of Michael Ealy’s character Dominic in “Think Like a Man” being taunted by the wretched Lauren Harris (Taraji P. Henson). Even though I’m a woman who could be considered to be of the latter mentioned’s ilk, I find it hard to believe Starr’s six-figure-earning female counterparts wouldn’t give the debt-free international traveler a chance. While Starr says he only wrote this piece as a definitive answer as to why he has trouble dating, what’s missing from his essay are his own list of requirements for a woman which I hypothesize might also have something to do with his relationship status.
Without knowing Starr personally, I don’t believe his income is the million-dollar answer to his single problem anymore than it is mine. An individual’s financial health is one of those things you typically don’t learn until you’re deeper into a relationship — unless a man is treating you to Mickey Ds on a regular and always disclosing his money woes. That said, I don’t rule out anyone in the dating pool strictly based on their finances. However, as the relationship progresses, I do think it’s important to discuss income and earning potential to see if you’re on the same page as far as financial goals and lifestyle preferences are concerned. Like anything else, there’s going to be compromise and for women like me, we may one day have to decide whether a certain quality of life is more important than a certain person in our life. If we decide the former is the case I don’t think that’s unreasonable. What do you say?
There are some things that every woman should know about men. Could changing you point of view change you relationship for the better?
You Should Never Check His Internet History
You don’t like it when men watch pornography, he’s wired to love watching pornography. The best solution? A “don’t ask/don’t tell” policy for your pc.
Before I was a writer by profession, I was a writer by choice. My mother bought me a diary at seven years old and I still keep one today. Reading my old diaries is fas-cin-a-ting. But the stuff didn’t really start getting juicy (and hilarious and embarrassing) until around middle school. Reading my 7th grade diary today, it was clear that I was learning some very crucial life lessons. Very crucial. And while I thought I’d mastered them in middle school, life has a way of retesting you. Here are the lessons I (and most of us) learned in middle school and learned again in our twenties…or later.
Want to know whether it’s worth waiting for him to get it together? If he’s showing you these signs, it’s a clue you’ll be waiting around forever.
He Gets Mad Instead of Getting Better
You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge. If he gets agro every time you bring an issue up, he’s telling you he’s not equipped to face the facts — or change them.
Respect and equality are important parts of any relationship. But sometimes you want a man to be a man and pull one of these secretly sexy moves.
When He Doesn’t Ask
Something about asking “do you mind if I kiss you now?” can really take the momentum out of the mood. Sometimes you just want him to go for it.
My relationship with my best friend is a bit unorthodox. After all, she’s a woman and that can tend to make the women I date a bit uncomfortable. It’s something that I’ve had to work through for years and it’s definitely not something I haven’t overcome before. In fact, the women I date soon find out that the overwhelming majority of my friends are females and they have to make peace with that — or not. I don’t know how this happened but I can only guess that being raised by a single mother, a grandmother, and single aunts placed me in several circumstances where I was surrounded by women. My second guess would be that after joining a black Greek lettered organization, my need for making male friends outside of the organization was reduced.
Whatever the case may be as far as the development of my inner circle, women who find themselves in relationships with men who have close female friends — without knowing all the details — get suspicious. I’m not a woman and I can’t speak for all of you but let’s say “women’s intuition” really exists and is a supernatural power that all women possess to be able to sniff out a woman after her man. Let’s say that men are inherently naïve when it comes to their female friends and while they may think the relationship is platonic, the girl friend is secretly waiting for the right time to pounce. Even if that’s all well (or not) and true, it’s important not to worry about something that isn’t happening. I’m not saying you should turn a blind eye, I’m just saying, you shouldn’t worry about things that haven’t happened. The only way that situation will play itself out is with the woman looking jealous or insecure: Two traits that are shortly followed by unattractiveness and eventual breakup.
I can tell you from firsthand experience that at a certain point in life and your relationship with your female friends, the relationship reaches a platonic level that cannot be overcome. At that point, it’s really off-putting when you’re accused of wanting to be with them or it’s suggested that they want to be with you. It’s not that I don’t find my female friends to be beautiful or great people, it’s just that I’m not attracted to them. Trust me, I’m typically the last one to know when a mutual male friend of mine is trying to get at them but I always understand why once I find out.
Here’s another reason you probably want to exercise chill when it comes to his female friends; they’re probably closer to him than you are from the onset. Over time you may become closer to him than they are, but that relationship and closeness takes time. If you go into the dating/relationship phase suspicious of the women in his life right away, they’ll have his ear more than you. Also, understand that a man rarely will choose the unknown over the known. Meaning, he has his friends and they’ve likely been there for him for a long time. He’s not going to throw all that away for a relationship with a woman that may not work out in the long run.
Lastly, it’s really on the guy to be concerned about his friendships with women outside of his romantic relationship. Every guy handles it different but it’s his cross to bear. He may see them less, talk to them less or even pull away from them. Or, he may not change a thing at all. It’s important that he dictate that relationship instead of his significant other. For me, it’s important that I maintain my relationship with my best friend but I’m also very quick to inform my significant other of her presence and role in my life. It’s been years that I’ve had this best friend and I go to her for a lot; that’s not going to change overnight. Any woman I date should know this and let it be my concern, not hers.
We’re not sure who gave men the idea that these things impress us, but we should be upset with them—very, very upset. The truth is when it comes to these things men do to impress us, we don’t become more smitten; we actually just want the date to end that much sooner.
Some women believe men have a whole secret life they live when their partners aren’t watching. And sure, we all have some habits we only let loose when alone like eating over the kitchen sink and picking our noses. But most men don’t go this far when nobody’s watching.
Potential can be one of the most dangerous things to depend on in a relationship. Time and again it seems women have gone out on a limb for men they liked who might not have had it all together, simply because she saw the potential for him to eventually have it all together. Life is unpredictable and can be filled with more curves than Amber Rose in a pair of black leggings. While this isn’t the appropriate time to discuss the economic challenges of black folks in general and black men in particular, it’s not unreasonable for a woman to want a man who’s able to handle his financial, as well as his emotional, health. Self-sufficiency is sexy, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting a man who can add to what a woman already brings to the table. With that said, dating a man full of potential isn’t necessarily a bad idea, but it would behoove women to do a better job of determining what a man’s potential is and if she’s willing to stick with him if he doesn’t fully live up to it.
First, the negatives. Dating a man with potential can be problematic if a woman isn’t able to see past it. Potential can blind a woman to some of the red flags that warn this might not be good partner in the long run. Many men, and people in general, are “on their way.” It can take years for a man to build the proper foundation necessary and many women are fine with working with a man who is working on himself (more on this later). The problem comes then, when women see the potential in men they may not see in themselves. While a man might be smart, charming, and have a plan or two about what he wants to do with his life, he still has to walk through those steps. Women should understand that simply having a plan isn’t enough. Goals without plans are simply dreams and if a man has the potential to do everything he says he wants to do but takes no (or very little) actual steps to achieve those goals, it’s very unlikely he’ll ever get to the finish line. Women often get trapped in these types of situations because it’s also very likely she’s been trying to help him realize his goals and has not only taken an active interest in supporting, but also investing. It’s like working on a slot machine for three hours and never winning much, only for the next person to come in and pull the lever to end up a millionaire. Women get trapped pulling on that same lever because they don’t want someone else to benefit from all the hard work they’ve already put in.
Now for the positive. I mentioned earlier that women like working with men who are working on themselves. The thing is, if a man has the potential to do great things and is actively working to achieve those great things, that suggests a much more stable situation. As a woman, if you can see a man with potential doing the necessary work to make himself into whomever it is he wants to be, there’s a higher chance he’ll be able to fully realize his goals. Potential by itself means nothing as, at some point, one still has to be able to prove they can do whatever they have the potential to do. Seeing a person realize their goals and aspirations is a beautiful thing and I’m sure many women would love to have a hand in a man’s success as women are naturally helpful and take great pride in having great men. Dating a man with potential who is actually doing something to actualize his potential is what makes this kind of man worthwhile.
I could probably write all day about the pros and cons of potential but here’s the best way to sum it up: Potential means nothing. Potential shouldn’t be judged in a vacuum and it shouldn’t be the only reason to date a man. If a man isn’t doing anything to live up to his potential, it’s an absolutely worthless trait to own. It’s a much smarter decision to date a man who not only has potential, but is actually doing something to realize it.