All Articles Tagged "men and dating"
Do you have a tragic habit of attracting the wrong kind of men into your life over and over again? Men who are afraid of commitment or just flat out don’t want a relationship?
It’s frustrating to spend time trying to make things work out with what may actually be a lost cause.
1. He’s already in a relationship with someone else.
This one is obvious. If he’s in a relationship with someone else, then he isn’t emotionally available to have a relationship with you.
I don’t care if he says the divorce is “in the works” or that he’s going to leave her soon. Until he is actually out of the relationship, he isn’t emotionally available to you.
2. He’s not ready for a relationship.
Maybe he flat out told you that he just isn’t ready for a relationship yet. If that’s the case, you should take him at his word: he isn’t ready.
No, you can’t change him. Your feelings for him are not enough to make him suddenly want to be in a relationship and settle down. He’s more likely to stay exactly the way you found him.
3. He’s self-absorbed.
If his focus is always on himself, he just doesn’t have the emotional capacity to have a great relationship with you.
All of his energy is fed into his own life, fueling his ego and only looking out for himself. If that’s the case, then there just isn’t room in his life or his heart for you, too.
4. He’s a conflict-avoider.
If he isn’t willing to address conflict in his life, then he is probably also emotionally unavailable. Men who are uncomfortable with a certain emotion such as anger, frustration, or anything else, are likely also uncomfortable with emotion in general.
It’s normal to want to avoid unpleasant experiences in life, however, you cannot eliminate or completely avoid an entire emotion without completely choking yourself off from experiencing all of your emotions.
5. He’s indecisive.
Having a hard time committing to things in general in life is another sign of emotional unavailability. This is because second-guessing and otherwise being only halfway “in” anything means that he is afraid of bringing 100% of himself to what he does.
If he isn’t ready to bring all of himself to something as simple as his career, his workout routine, or anything else that he claims is important to him, what makes you think he’ll be committed to a relationship with you?
6. He ignores his own needs.
Sometimes men will go into care taking mode and try to take care of everyone else’s needs around them. Although this may seem charming at first, it often comes at the expense of not getting his own needs met.
In the end it’s hard to tell where he really stands. He’s so disassociated from himself that he’s barely “there” at all. And if he isn’t even there, how can he be emotionally available for you?
7. He has very specific expectations for you.
Of course, it’s good to have standards, but expectations can be limiting. They turn the process of having a relationship from actually enjoying one another to more of a matter of finding someone to play a role in your life, whether that role be “girlfriend” or “wife.”
And when he starts to see you as a role in his life, it’s going to be difficult to connect with you as a person. Instead it’s all going to be about how well you fit the role. That isn’t the kind of relationship that I imagine you want for yourself.
You may find emotionally unavailable men in your life. Maybe you’re even in a relationship with one right now.
The important thing to know is that you cannot change him. How you found him is how he is likely to stay. Yes, he can change. Yes, he might change. However, you should not bank on him doing it any time soon.
Simply decide if you are willing to be in a relationship with him just the way he is. If you aren’t, then it’s time to cut ties and find someone new.
Originally Published on YourTango.
I’m not as active one Twitter as I once was. These days I find myself reading and observing more than anything else. The other day I was briefly scrolling while passing some time and I saw an interesting rant from a friend of mine. In a nutshell, she was saying that women who don’t do anything for their man on Valentine’s Day are well, a POS. Interesting.
I thought about it for a minute and while I wouldn’t be that harsh I could understand the sentiment. Valentine’s Day is often and usually referred to as a girl’s holiday. The premise behind why we make a big deal out of it reminds me of a Chris Rock joke where he said that women need three things in life: food, water, and compliments. It is perceived as a day where the compliments flow, the gifts come showering down, and you have to show it all off to make your coworkers and now your friends on social media jealous (I’m gonna put a pin in this and come back to it).
Ladies, we know it’s mostly your day. Truth be told, most of us start drumming up ideas around when we see how happy you are/aren’t with your Christmas gift–day two in the pantheon of big days (the others being birthday and anniversary). It’s a process of outdoing the year before within reason and without setting the bar too high for yourself and if you’re in a new relationship do something better than the last guy.
But what about us? For those that do not know the secret, I will divulge: men need validation for their work. It’s what we live for. We work tirelessly at work not just for the paycheck, but for that hypothetical pat on the back from bosses, co-workers, performance reviews, or that promotion. We just need to know that what we do is appreciated. The same with our relationships or marriage. No, we don’t expect the moon or nearly as much thought that goes into your gifts and stuff, but some thought would be nice.
Back to that pin I mentioned earlier. A new day is upon us in the Valentine’s Day game. We already had to live up to high expectations masked as no expectations. Not only do you have to win the arms race at work on Valentine’s Day, you have to do something to make your lady look good so she can show it off in some kind of pictorial format on social media. The pressure is on. Can’t do anything too cheesy unless it comes along with a caption somewhere along the lines of “I love cliches” or something. We know this and must make sure we deliver.
As men we always feel the need to do better than what was done before. I’m kind of cocky, so I already think I’m an upgrade from a woman’s ex. However, I still feel the need to find a way to outperform them on Valentine’s Day even though I know I do on a daily basis. I was seeing someone and in doing my research I casually brought up Valentine’s Day to gauge what they’ve already experienced. She was used to seeing a few people who made a lot more money than I did. Financially speaking I couldn’t hang at all with some of the stuff she told me about. If I weren’t me, I would have been intimidated or even overwhelmed. I had to think of something really creative and thoughtful. I figured something out and she’ll find out somewhere between Thursday and Saturday. With all of that said, yes that much thought goes into what we do for you.
Personally I don’t have high expectations if any–my mantra for an easygoing life–so that way if something is done for me I am genuinely surprised. Someone in my life would probably say otherwise but I’m incredibly low maintenance. Most men are this way. About 80 percent of our validation on the day is seeing our ladies smile light up after all of the work and thought we’ve put into them. So for that go the extra mile for us. It’s the right thing to do.
And no, sex doesn’t count. It’s kind of a given and it’s just as much for you as it is us.
Last month, I wrote about Why Men Settle. As part of that discussion, a number of women wondered why a man would ever settle in love when it seems like they have far more choices than women do. I understand how that might seem confusing, but I’m also unsure this popular sentiment is even true. For one, I’m on the fence about if dating is really easier for men. Taking it a step further, is finding a wife/love/soul mate any easier for men than it is for women? I don’t think so. Let’s break down the various assumptions about dating for men.
There are not enough good black men: True and false.
The popular headline is that there are less viable black men for viable black women. There are generally a few errors when this much re-hashed story breaks. First, it assumes a ‘viable black male’ can be quantified using objective measurements, usually schooling and income. For example, they report that more black men are in jail than in college. This is a blatant lie, which you can read more about from this unlikely source here, so I won’t bother dissecting it. They go on to report that we have a high number of high school drop outs, which is true, but they don’t account for the fact that high school drop outs and jail rates are both interrelated and often reflective of the same population. As an extension of this point, the same can be said for college graduation rates – as black women do outnumber black men in enrollment and graduations, but only 30% of Americans have a college degree and miraculously, people still get married every day of the week. Income is by far the fairest measurement; however, simple arithmetic dictates that the higher your income requirement for a prospective mate – and you are free to have one – the less people will meet it.
Potential mate populations aside, I’m willing to admit that the way people traditionally date – with the expectation that men approach women – might make it easier for a man to initially meet a woman. The real question is how much impact does one to one ratios matter if women don’t proactively choose from available men anyway?
The dating odds are in men’s favor: False.
For this to be true, we have to assume that men 1) like approaching women and 2) are good at it when they do. I’m fairly certain the claims about huge numbers of men that like approaching strange women and risk getting turned down every time they do is greatly exaggerated. However, for the sake of today’s argument, we can assume men like approaching strange women and vying for their attention.
Regardless if this is true or false, the difference for men and women is that if there is a certain type of men women want to approach them, women can at least go to an establishment where those types of men are more likely to reside and place herself in the “line of fire.” On the other hand, if a man isn’t good at approaching women, there is no way to overcome it (unless he’s a baller?). A man who doesn’t have “game” will be equally unsuccessful in a room full of attractive women as he will be in a room full of unattractive women. Independent of the environment he is in, it is the embodiment of the woman that he will always struggle to approach. Even if the availability of women is in his favor, it doesn’t improve his success rates in the slightest.
To be fair, let’s assume the man we’re discussing is decent at approaching women, has money, is educated, and hasn’t been to jail. Are we still assigning blame to the wrong part of the dating problem?
Have you ever been on a date with a guy and wondered “Where the hell did this guy pick up his dating etiquette from?” First dates are where the real first impressions are made and they can either make or break what could be a blossoming relationship. Sadly, many men don’t even realize where they go wrong. Check out this list of things that most women wish to communicate to their potential suitors prior to our first date.
Since the advent of the Struggleberry, sexting has become prevalent in male/female communications. We have evolved from the “beep me 911” era, to emoticons and MMS messages filled with pictures, voice recordings, and other filthy treasures. Usually men will engage in such behaviour when they know a common interest exists, but some guys go the extra mile. They think outside of the box so that they can get inside of yours, ladies. So what will they do to change the game? They will send you pictures of their junk of course! Women have asked me for some time to explain why a man, who isn’t their boyfriend, husband, or even sleeping with them, would send them cock shots? Why would they choose to defile their iPhone screen with such temerity? I can think of three reasons men want to show women what they’re working with early and often:
It’s Part Of His Courting Process
I’ve never been accused of having “game”, but there are dudes who calculate their movements with women to the most minute details. There are also men who just don’t give a fcuk. Where these two mentalities converge is when we discuss package pics. When men get your number, and holla at you, they are trying to impress you, make you laugh, and ultimately unlock the gate to your box everlasting. According to their logic, one of the fastest and most impressive ways to get in a womans pants, is to show women what’s in theirs! They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. Why would men send a text that says “You tryna chill tonight?!”, when a picture of their meat can say all of that and more, right? Right?!
He’s Impressed And He Feels You Should Be Impressed #AsWell
Men can act like the most confident of the sexes at any given time. We think we are Big Meech, Larry Hoover, Obama, and Jesus at the same (damn) time! When it comes to sexual prowess, it’s even worse. It’s not just the “handsome” dudes either, because if you don’t think ugly dudes don’t win, then you are delusional. Speaking of delusional, some of these men that send women pictures of their strombone personify that term perfectly! They aren’t ashamed of themselves, and they will sext you with the biggest, pedophile-like smile on their faces. They figure that since they are carrying a small person in their pants, one glance at this specimen on a woman’s smart phone will make their panties rain from the Heavens! Unfortunately, this small person might be mini-me! Most men don’t measure up to their own illusions of grandeur, and they end up looking foolish!
He Doesn’t Understand The Unwritten Female “Show And Tell” Law
Fellas, I’m about to drop the most precious of jewels, so pay attention. When you text, write, or email anything to a woman, you are subject to the Female Show And Tell law. This law dictates that any incriminating pictures or text messages that you send to a woman, whether solicited or not, can and will be shown to the recipients 5-500 closest female friends for review and ridicule purposes.
Those pictures of your Love Below that you sent her with the “toungue sticking out” emoji, have now been viewed over 1000 times in the last half hour by her inner circle. You have a legendary email chain titled, “Look at what this negro sent me :-O” being distributed all over the Internet now! At this very moment, that woman and some of her friends are in a GroupMe or GChat conversation now discussing your idiotic actions.
If you didn’t know by now, understand that women discuss men with their friends. Your girlfriend’s best friends know your intimate details, or enough of them to make you side-eye the entire clique. If women are that candid about their mates, how much more candid do you think they will be with a dude they haven’t been intimate with yet? Hey, maybe you are half man, half horse, and you don’t care, but know that you are the personal Instagram model for dozens of women that you don’t even know. For free.
Ladies, I hope this gives you proper insight to what men are thinking when they hit send with a racy picture attached. This audacity by men is high risk, high reward. Remember that if they do it without reserve, it must have worked before!
Women: What do you do when you receive an unsolicited D-Pic? Why do you think this occurs? How do the men react?
Fellas: Why do you send these pics to women? What do you fear when you send them, and how often does this tactic work? Do you think it’s easier to get pics from women or men? Are these chicks pictures cute? Forward to the email address “email@example.com” Please and Thank You!
StreetZ is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Streetz enjoys the enigma that is his life, and let’s his opinions excel in textual form. His passion for storytelling and diverse interests are driven by both his life experiences, and his desire to motivate and be inspired. Follow him on twitter @StreetzTalk
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