All Articles Tagged "mean"
Most of us grew up in a household where “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” was the norm when responding to an adult. We were taught to say please and thank you, refrain from interrupting conversations, and hold the door for people. It only took so many glares and spankings if we ever forgot these life lessons — and these signs of respect never left most of us as we became adults.
Unfortunately there are certain celebs who think they are immune to such niceties and respectable behavior and have racked up quite the reputation for rudeness. If only they followed Aretha’s advice and gave a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T…
Don’t let the beautiful face fool ya! Notorious for her lateness, supermodel Naomi Campbell is also known for hitting her helpers — from assistants to therapists. Many people in her path suffer the wrath of her mean streak and nothing seems to keep her outrageous behavior in check – not even five-o. She was detained for assaulting two police officers as well.
Don’t Make Someone’s Problem With You, YOUR Problem: How Not Taking Everything So Personally Led Me To Peace
Internalizing every little thing is a sure way to dig yourself an early grave. I should know.
Years ago I had this pretty cool job and tried so desperately to please my boss. I thought she was the ish. She moved and things happened. She could command a room with little to no effort. She was envied and honored among her peers. Even if some of them didn’t like her, they couldn’t help but respect her work ethic and the fact that she got things done. I was enamored with her glow. I wanted to show her that I was worthy of my position, that I could be the best. I sought her approval like a dog digging for a bone.
I put in late, unnecessary hours. I spent days pouring over new ideas, getting things JUST right, eagerly anticipating her approval. But I could feel something was out of kilter. We weren’t vibing no matter how hard I tried. I would pitch something to her and she would give it a half glance. She came down on me for things that were far beyond my control and barely spoke when something I had done was a success. I can’t lie – I cried many a night, wondering what I was doing wrong. Why did this woman seem to loathe me when all I wanted was her esteem? I saw her as a mentor! I was busting my butt for her praise and getting sideways looks and whispers behind closed doors. What the EFF?
It took a long talk with my pastor and one of Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements to find the answer to my sad little prayers.
My pastor was always known for being a straight shooter and true to her cut-and-dry form she said to me:
“You put too much trust in people. People ain’t God so LATER for what they think!”
I felt pretty stupid for having wasted so much time taking my boss’s disdain personally when I KNEW I was doing everything in my power to please her. But therein lay the problem, didn’t it? Just like my pastor said, I was so busy trying to please people instead of consulting with God and simply doing my best that I was panic stricken more often than not. I wasn’t enjoying life. I wasn’t happy even though I loved my work. I was even having appetite and health issues as a sad result! She was going on, enjoying her life, never knowing the extent of my pain while I was confused and hurt and worried day and night. Crazy.
I came across the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and the second agreement hit me square in the face:
“Don’t Take Anything Personally”
“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the actions and opinions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
I checked myself. I had been busting my butt, doing my best work. I had no reason to be trapped underneath my boss’s bad attitude or disdain or whatever her problem was. I was allowing myself to suffer for things I had no control over. I was a panic attacked hot mess worrying and wondering. A willing victim. And I was so tired of it.
I realized that I had been basing most of my life around what others thought, what they felt about me. I took every little thing so personally never realizing that sometimes (if not MOST times) a side eye, an unwarranted insult, a snub really had absolutely NOTHING to do with me.
Everyone acts/reacts toward others according to the condition of their own spirit. If something has transpired during the day that has thrown you off kilter, it’s your decision whether or not you will lash out, harbor hard feelings or overcome it. The other side of that coin was the side I had not seen until the situation with my boss, which is this: Just like our action or reaction is based upon what’s going on internally, so it is with how we respond to the way others act toward us. I hadn’t taken the time to self-evaluate and self-affirm, so I allowed anybody and everybody else’s internal conflicts to ruffle my feathers, to define who I was. I victimized myself without even realizing it.
Thankfully, I was able to begin my own personal healing process before I left that particular job. And though I believe my now ex-boss still hasn’t gotten past whatever issues she seemed to have been harboring against me, I learned a valuable lesson, changed my outlook and haven’t had a panic attack since. Your issue is your issue and life is short enough without me taking a few more years off with worry and grief. I choose peace and peace chooses me.
La Trulyis a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself and a passion for young women’s empowerment, La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change. Her blog: www.hersoulinc.com and her Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.
There are some things that college just doesn’t prepare you for. It can provide you with knowledge of your field of study. It can give you career training. It can prep you for what and what not to say during an interview, bu the one thing, however, that college fails to prepare many of us for is what we will encounter once we’re actually hired. The American Dream leads us to believe that hard work and dedication are all that you need to succeed in this country; however, they fail to disclose the little disclaimer that says, “Please Note: This dream is often only applicable to qualifying races.” College taught me many things, but one thing that they did not tell me prior to shaking my hand and giving me a diploma was that in many cases, as a black woman in corporate America, you have to work ten times as hard just to be considered as good as your counterparts.
I remember my first paid internship in the public relations industry like it was yesterday. I popped up on the scene with my eyes beaming, deep brown skin glowing, and my heart full of expectations. I had already made up my mind that I would work harder than I’d ever worked in my life. I was prepared to conquer the world! I learned swiftly that an intern’s position was the lowest of the lowest on the totem pole, but I was prepared to stick my chest out, lift my chin up, push my shoulders back and handle my business like a woman because I knew that I would reap a greater reward in the end. So no, I didn’t expect anyone to give my anything. I was prepared to earn it fair and square. But the public relations department that I interned for was so small that it didn’t long to realize that I was being treated differently. The differential treatment started out with small things. You know, those things that are so “small” you ask yourself, “Did that just happen or am I bugging out?” For instance, things like my entire department tip-toeing out while I went to the bathroom to attend a company sponsored event that I wasn’t even made aware of until after the fact. Yeah. “Small.”
“You’re just an intern, they aren’t required to tell you anything,” is what I told myself as I carried out the rest of the workday alone, trying not to get in my feelings about the shadiness that had just taken place. But once another intern was hired, I could no longer blame the subtle shade on my title. This intern happened to be white, and once she was instantly invited to attend some of our more “upscale” events, while I wasn’t, I realized that my suspicions might be correct. My dark-er skin, wide-r hips, thick-er thighs, and full-er lips made me less qualified to attend these events because I would improperly represent the face of the brand, I suppose.
There was one instance where I had to go and make a purchase for some supplies using the department’s American Express Card. The way in which I was treated when I was given that card would’ve led a person to believe that I had a criminal background and was just given the code to Donald Trump’s bank account. “Don’t get happy and run off with that AMEX card in your purse,” the department coordinator called after me as I exited the office. My nostrils flared as I thought to myself “Girl bye, I’ve never had to steal anything in my life.”
Little comments such as that one went on as long as I was in this department. There was one occasion when the entire department went out to lunch and for some reason one of the other employees felt the need to tell me about her big, black, voluptuous nanny named Shelia whom she had as a child. I remember sitting there resisting the urge to twist up my face at her wondering, “Why in the hell is she telling me this? Does she want me to watch her kids or something?” Of course, there was no moral to her story–she just felt the need to share. I felt the urge to flip the table over and assume the stereotype of the angry black woman, but I didn’t. Instead I sat there silently.
With all the reality television being served to us on platter, it’s no wonder that talk of bullies has become more and more common in the circles of adult women. They’re no longer just lurking on schoolyards, folks. Some bullies don’t grow up (mentality wise, but they do age), and in fact, you can find them not only on TV (hey Tami), but at your job, or even in your circle of friends (*gasp*). They might pick on you a little, or they might make it their mission to spend their every waking moment talking to you crazy and treating you like something they scraped off of their shoe. These individuals could even be you. If you were wondering what are a few things that make someone an adult bully, we’ve got a few examples for you.
- You’re irrational as hell: A bully truly wouldn’t be a bully if they didn’t run around making the least amount of sense possible. They might tell you, “Don’t talk about me behind my back!” but will run around and talk about you to someone else like you are dirt in the road. The concept of “treat people how you want to be treated” doesn’t apply to them because that’s no fun. They would rather make your workday or your life a living hell by acting as though whatever small thing you may have done (but real talk, you probably didn’t do anything at all…) warrants them trashing your name to anyone who will listen.
- Confrontation is your best friend: There’s no reasoning with a grown up bully. You can’t have a real conversation with this person without them yelling at the top of their lungs, pointing their finger in your face or acting like a fight will ensue. The reality of the situation though, is that in most cases, the bully’s bark is bigger than their bite. They just want to jump in your face and think you’ll go cowering in a corner so they can have a reason to treat you badly and “keep you in line.” Intimidation is what a bully thrives off of, so instead of talking to you about what their beef is, they’d rather exchange your name for the b-word and make everyone think they’re tough.
- Your victims are always people who won’t fight back: Remember how I just said, “Intimidation is what a bully thrives off of”? Well, it’s true. As long as they feel that you fear them, they will continue to come at your head when they really need to be putting themselves in check. However, the minute you step up to them and let them know there’s just so much you’re going to take from them (or lay hands on them–but I really don’t recommend that), then they leave you be. You have to stand up for yourself and let folks know they aren’t as big and bad as they would like to be to get them to back down.
- You’re MAD insecure (and sensitive): It really doesn’t take much to set a bully off. Leave them out of a conversation, don’t invite them to a party (because they’re crazy), or spend a lot of time with their friends and they’re ready to lash out. Bullies like to be the center of attention or be in the midst of everyone’s business. When they’re not, that’s when they start to get moody. They think everyone’s talking about them (even when no one is worried about them), and when they want what you have (a man, the materialistic goods you tote around, etc.), they tend to diss you for it. As tough as a bully tries to act, sometimes they have deep-seeded issues and emotional problems that cause them to act out. But that doesn’t make their poor treatment of others right, of course.
- You try to embarrass people in public: Whether this is the co-worker who tries to blast you about your work ethic in front of others, the boss who tries to yell at you in meetings in front of everyone, or the person who critiques your outfit in front of all of your friends, bullies like to make you into a spectacle. It’s already annoying that they do it in general, but there’s something very uncool about trying to play people in front of other people. It could be that they’re trying to make other people think less of you, or in reverse, maybe they think belittling someone for their own entertainment will make them look big and bad. Whatever their reasoning, it’s dead wrong. Karma is a bad Mamma Jamma, so if this bully is you, cut it out and grow up.
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By Desire Thompson
Like the late Christopher Wallace once said: “More money, more problems.” However, he never said that with more money, your head has to get bigger and egos will spin out of control. Everyone’s favorite celeb psychiatrist, Dr. Drew Pinsky, studied over 200 celebs in 2006 using the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, which studies narcissistic tendencies. The study rates people on a 1 to 40 scale, with 40 being “extremely narcissistic.” On average, celebs scored a not-so-surprising 17.84, which is higher than the general public. While all of this may be obvious news to some, it isn’t to all. Celebs want to keep their names out there, so just know that with every Twit pic, status post and club appearance they do it isn’t for the fans…it’s for themselves. Take a look at some celebs that have let their egos get bigger than their paychecks.
The R&B singer/songwriter hit the scene in 2008 with her song “Energy,” and eventually received a great deal of mainstream appeal with her hit, “Turnin Me On.” While she was finally beginning to be known for her own music rather than the songs she penned for Ciara, Beyonce and other R&B divas, she decided to take jabs at all of those individuals in 2009 on the remix for “Turnin Me On.” Lines included things like, “Go head tell these folks how long I been writing your songs… I been putting you on… check the credits hoe!” When confronted about her comments she simply reversed all of her words, but continued to talk smack about other singers (who can forget when she refused to pose with a magazine that Bey was on the cover of?). But hey, as long as you don’t hate her cause she’s beautiful…
I have a love/hate relationship with women. I love them when they are supportive, nurturing, loyal, honest and generous. I HATE them when they are catty, spiteful, vindictive, gossipy, jealous, frenemy-like and territorial. Having been betrayed more than a few times by women who have displayed the latter, I’ve learned how to better navigate a certain type of woman I must identify and avoid whenever I can help it.