All Articles Tagged "marriage"
The next time someone gives you grief about tying the knot, answer “why aren’t you married already?” with this list of celebrity women. They’re not only single and loving it but doing it at the top of their games — with zero regrets.
Who says that you have to marry Mr. Right?
Diane Keaton has been linked to Woody Allen, Al Pacino and some of the greatest names in the business. But she didn’t take a ring from any of them. Diane says, “I don’t think that because I’m not married it’s made my life any less. That old maid myth is garbage.”
You know they say that parents and grandparents aren’t supposed to have favorites. But my sister and I are clearly my grandfather’s favorites. And that’s no shade to my cousins. I’m sure he’d like some of them more than us if we’d all spent equal amounts of time with him. It just so happens that we’re the ones who’ve been around him the most. He calls us his darlings. Which makes me smile with my heart.
But with all that love and affection comes worry and agitation. And at times, that’s been annoying. Like the time he saw my senior pictures and told me I needed to dress more conservatively, like my friend. Or right before I went off to college and he told me I needed to straighten my hair and take the ring out of my nose if I ever wanted to get a job.
I think I’ve successfully proven that showing a little skin, nappy hair and a nose ring won’t hold me back. But now, he’s directed his attention to making sure that my sister and I find husbands.
I think my grandfather has finally learned not to come to me with any more criticisms because I learned of his worry through my mother.
“You know your Big Daddy is really concerned about you and Vanessa getting married. He said that when sisters are as close as you two are, it’s hard for them to find love.”
I knew my Big Daddy was probably comparing us to one set of sisters in particular. The Odd* Sisters, who as far as I knew, were in their seventies, dressed like twins, attended church faithfully every Sabbath and had never been married.
At first, I dismissed my grandfather’s concern; but several months and several signs later, I realize he might not have been so far off base.
The other day I watched a BuzzFeed video about weird things all couple’s argue about. And I could relate to quite a few of those scenarios because they reminded me of me and my sister. The laughter is real hearty and the reality slightly unsettling when you realize you and sister sometimes carry on like an old married couple.
Recently, my sister and I started re-watching old “Will and Grace” episodes. And there’s one episode where Grace realizes that she’s lost her zeal for dating and men because she’s so close to her roommate and best friend Will. And while I can say with absolute certainty that I would love to go out on a date with a decent guy, I can completely understand not wanting to introduce yourself to a new man, doing the work and research to find out if said man is crazy, misogynistic or dishonest when you literally have someone at home who you know, love, trust and can have an incredible time with.
Even if there’s no making out at the end of the night, dancing around the living room, laughing until we cry and watching nostalgic tv with my sister is quite awesome. So awesome in fact, it would be no small feat for a man, first meeting me, to top that.
So I do get where my grandfather was coming from. And I sincerely hope the very special relationship I share with my sister doesn’t turn into something dysfunctional, where we rely on each other for our every happiness.
But I don’t think it will. We both know what we want out of life. And anything we’ve wanted, really wanted, we’ve worked to get.
First, I know we both want to go on dates with charming, cute and quality men who are respectful and have full lips. We want fulfilling careers. We want to help people. Be women we can both be proud of. And we want marriage and babies.
I’ll be the first to tell anyone while I would never choose to raise a child by myself, at the end of the day, when I think about my life as a whole, my legacy as a mother will be more important than my legacy as a wife.
And I believe it will happen. I don’t know how I’ll get there or when it will be but I see it for myself. And unlike Grace in that episode, I won’t attempt to cut my best friend off just to make sure I’m “putting myself out there” like I should. I don’t believe in forcing any type of relationship. They should be organic, happening when and as they’re supposed to. I don’t believe in strategically planting myself at any particular place or dressing a particular way to find a man, will me get married and able to give my mother the grandbabies she wants.
So if my grandfather were to bring this worry to me personally, I would tell him he’s right. No man could ever even hope to break through the impenetrable bond my sister and I have formed. But if he’s right, and that’s the key, he won’t have to. We’ll just make room for him.
So here it is. You’ve met an awesome man. The two of you start as casual friends by getting to know each other, and then you decide to escalate the relationship from friendship to courtship. After the courtship phase you both agree to move forward into a full-blown exclusive relationship. Things are going great, and then out of the blue, the moment you’ve been waiting for happens. He gets down on one knee, takes your left hand, pulls out the most beautiful ring you’ve ever seen and asks the one question many women can’t wait to hear: “Will you marry me?”
Without a second thought you immediately say “yes!” From there, the journey from Ms. to Mrs. begins. Now you finally get to plan the wedding of your dreams, purchase the dress you’ve secretly obsessed over, move into the home you’ve always wanted and start your perfect family. Sounds pretty exciting right? Of course it does, because that’s the image many women have in their minds about marriage and settling down, but the reality of being a wife spans much further than what we see on TV and in the movies, and the work it entails is much more than meets the eye. When a woman makes her transition from Ms. to Mrs. she has to understand that being a wife means that she must make many sacrifices, including loving your mate unconditionally, cooking from time to time, cleaning from time to time, being patient, compromising and so on and so forth. And just think, all that is expected even before the kids and the full-time job is considered.
While this is what a number of women want, my question is, are they really ready for it or just the idea of it? I ask this question because when many women are single and dating, their primary concern is themselves. They don’t have to worry about getting dinner on the table for more than one person, making sure things are in order, or putting others needs before their own, among other things. So to say that one is truly ready for marriage means that you’ll have to make major adjustments to your lifestyle and mindset. While many women say they are willing to do this, I cant help but think that this is a lot easier said than done.
So ladies, how do you know if you’re ready for a name change? Ask yourself these questions: Can I wake up every morning to the same man? Am I willing to share more than my personal space with him? Am I ready to start a family, focus on them and place many of my needs on the back burner? If he is unfaithful to me, can I forgive him and move forward? Am I willing to cook and clean for someone else? Am I willing to submit to him and follow his lead? These are just a few questions you should ask yourself and take the time to reflect on to see if you are truly ready to become a wife and not just a married woman, because believe me, there is a difference. If you’ve answered no or maybe to most of the questions listed then chances are you’re not ready to be married just yet. Even if you’ve answered yes to all or most of them, being married is still a major step to take in life and you want to be sure you’re prepared mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally within yourself before you jump the broom into a new world of unexpected twists, turns and expectations. Single ladies, take your time, love yourself in the state you’re in and don’t rush down the aisle if you have doubts. Even if he asks and you’re not sure, don’t be afraid to say so out of fear of losing him, because if he’s really yours, he’ll be there when you’re ready.
Have you recently been proposed to and you’re not sure about officially tying the knot?
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin
By: Lindsey Ellison
If you are related to, married to or divorced from a narcissist, then you know how difficult it is reason with them.
Narcissists are masters at manipulation. They are often intelligent and charming when you first meet them. In the beginning, you hold them to high esteem. They’re fully aware of this, of course, and they love to bask in your adulation. But once you catch on to their tactics and question behavior that is the opposite of their once-charming selves, they become deeply threatened. They will then paint themselves as a victim and you as their aggressor, expertly blaming you for the relationship’s demise and all other misfortunes in their life.
You, as the codependent, try to reason with him, change his mind, or challenge every verbal assault point-by-point in hopes that the narcissist snaps out of his irrational behavior.
Maybe this time he will understand, you think.
If I explain it to him this way, he will get it. He can’t be THAT close-minded; I’m going to tell him once more.
But the more you explain, the colder and more manipulative he becomes. He may talk to you like a child, as if you’re stupid. And you can’t even believe how a person can lack such empathy, so you explain more, trying harder and harder to make him “get it” — and the more you do that, the more it supports his narcissistic fantasies that he is better and smarter than anyone.
The constant attempts to explain or get some kind of emotional response with no return is what I call the “Narcissistic Vortex.” It’s a deep black hole that sucks you in, with no way out. And until you understand this, you are going to think you’re crazy and unloved — or worse, that you aren’t worthy of anyone else’s love, so you end up staying with this person or being alone forever.
If you are not married and are trying to end a relationship with a narcissist, then my expert advice is to have no contact with him. End the relationship cold-turkey, as if giving up a very bad addiction.
But what if you are divorcing a narcissist, or you must endure a co-parenting relationship long term? How do you manage the constant manipulation, even as you try to get on with your life? He might blame you for the smallest mistakes (thereby raising his own self-worth), or criticize you for everything you do with the kids. And because he is SO falsely mistaken, you write him a long email explaining your actions, or you become engaged in a long texting battle.
And thus, you enter the Narcissistic Vortex.
By Amanda Chatel, From YourTango
There’s nothing worse than wanting to have a child, then realizing, after years of trying, that motherhood just isn’t in the cards for you. It’s one thing to be childless by choice, or as those women prefer to call themselves, “childfree,” but it’s another thing to be childless because of physical issues that are out of one’s control. While there’s always the option of adoption, for some, having a baby of their own is the only thing they want, and when that dream is taken away, it’s hard to recover.
Considered the “unfulfilled wish,” a new study found that after trying with as many fertility treatments as possible, women who still can’t conceive are three times more likely to end up suffering from depression. Even after a decade of realizing that their hope to be a mother will never happen, women still continue to suffer from the disappointment and sadness of not having kids. While some women are able to accept the harsh reality and release their desire to have kids are far less likely to suffer from depression, I think we can all agree that this is no easy task at all.
Scientist studied 7000 women who had taken fertility treatment to see how that extreme level of disappointment or, in some cases, success had affected their lives 11 to 17 years after the treatments. Even after years had passed and the fact for some was that children were impossible for them, 6% still desperately wanted to have kids. So, what does that mean for those women? As Dr. Sophia Gameiro and her team discovered, “We found that women who still wished to have children were up to 2.8 times more likely to develop clinically significant mental health problems than women who did not sustain a child-wish. For women with children, those who sustained a child-wish were 1.5 times more likely to have worse mental health than those without a child-wish.” These are heartbreaking statistics. Even those who already have children, but would like more, still suffer from the depression of not being able to conceive. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants.
However, having a child doesn’t mean you’ll be happier. As Gameiro also pointed out, children can be difficult, not just emotionally and mentally, but there’s the stress of it, financial concerns, and just the overall responsibility of providing for someone beside yourself. It isn’t easy to be a parent.
Read more about conceiving a baby at YourTango.com
Is a man’s excuse for not marrying you yet — “because I don’t have money?” — a good excuse? And what about living together before marriage? Good idea or bad idea? What if we both have similar goals? We both want to get married but our finances aren’t exactly where we would like them to be.
Victoria: First question — In my opinion, not having money is a legit excuse. I don’t think we consider all that comes with popping the question and preparing for marriage. A man often has to buy a ring that’s not cheap, and you will have to share finances and prepare to put up money to have a wedding. If he doesn’t feel financially stable enough yet, at least he’s honest about it. But if you all have been together for quite some time and you feel like he’s just using it as an excuse to keep stringing you along, then yeah, it might be a problem. If you’ve been together very long and he still hasn’t considered even trying to save or get his money straight, he’s playing games.
Second question — For me, moving in together is just a no-no. I think when people are engaged, it’s not so bad of an idea, but when you are just dating, you could be setting yourself up for a trap. You could end up living with this man for years and years with no incentive to put a ring on your finger because you’re already living the married life. Folks get comfortable very easy. And I think if you guys decide to go your separate ways, you’re sharing bills and you’ve bought things together and so it’s not an easy exit. But if you’re not worried about those things, your relationship is stable (as in you’ve been together for a while), you really want to share rent and save money and you both have the same goals for the future as you say, why not?
Brande: I wouldn’t consider a lack of money an excuse unless your partner has been using that line for years. Money is a legitimate concern when it comes to a decision this big. Engagement rings, wedding ceremonies, and homes are all significant financial investments and often the monetary burden of these things weighs on men as heavily as, if not more than, the weight of a lifetime commitment. I’m not a fan of living together before marriage, but given what I just said, I wouldn’t move in with your guy unless it was strictly a financial move to save for a wedding. That means you two would have a discussion about why you’re moving in together (it’s the next step toward marriage) and establish a one- to three-year plan for saving in order to pay for a ring, ceremony, and possibly a new place together after you jump the broom. Financial issues are one of the top causes of divorce. You don’t want to go into a permanent union with these things unresolved; nor do you want to marry a man whose commitment you’re unsure of.
Jazmine: For your first question, I would say that financial stability is a major part of getting married. An engagement ring and wedding ceremony are only the beginning of the financial responsibilities that are ahead. In many cases, when a man takes a woman as his wife, he wants to be in the position to provide for her. Are there men who will use their lack of funds as an excuse to avoid marriage? Absolutely. But only you know whether or not your guy is the type to do that. Has he expressed a desire to marry you or is this a conversation that you are the only one initiating? Is he making steps towards bettering his financial situation or does he seem reluctant about the whole thing?
As for your second question, personally, I would avoid living together before marriage. It’s great that you all have similar goals, which means you two can put your heads together and figure out how you can get your finances in order for marriage. If the two of you can afford to continue living separately, I’d stick with that for now.
Veronica: This is a tricky one for me. Rings and weddings and honeymoons cost a ton of money. That’s true. But at the same time you can go to the justice of the peace and get married on a Tuesday. So, while it is a valid point I can’t say it’s a “good excuse.” But if a man wants to have a wedding done a certain way, that’s something that you should be able to respect. In the meantime though, have conversations about when the both of you want to be married–if he does at all– and what you’ll need, financially and emotionally, in order to make that happen when the both of you are comfortable with it.As for living together, that’s a question you’ll have to answer for yourself. Personally, it’s not something I would do because I think it’s harder to leave those relationships when necessary. But that’s my personal preference. If you’re already having issues wondering if this person genuinely wants to marry you, maybe you should hold off on moving in until you see where the whole marriage thing is going to go. We’ve all heard stories of women moving in or moving their man in and they never get married because there’s no incentive. I’m not saying that’s what will happen to you but there are some very vital answers you need first.
Lauren: If your significant other is not financially stable, it would be best for you both to financially plan how you will pay for your wedding and eventually, married life. If your partner isn’t willing to make a plan, you should take that as a sign he’s not ready for marriage or may not want to marry you. I think it’s perfectly fine to live together before you are married but if marriage is the ultimate goal you are striving for, have that conversation with him before you move in together. Living with your boyfriend gives insight on how he manages household duties and his level of cleanliness. These factors help you understand him better as a person and it also adds another layer of intimacy.
By Women’s Health, From YourTango
Think a one night stand could be marriage material? Well, maybe. According to a new report from the National Marriage Project, almost a third of married pairs were originally a hookup. The study recruited over a thousand adults between the ages of 18-34 in 2007 and 2008. Then they followed them over the course of five years, closely studying the 418 adults who got married within that time.
They found that 32 percent of married people reported that their relationship began as a hookup, although the meaning of “hookup” wasn’t clearly defined, so that could have been interpreted in a variety of ways. But interestingly, these people also reported lower marital quality than those who didn’t start as a fling.
Read more about hookups and marriage at YourTango.com
By Lisa Newlin, From YourTango
I’ve been carrying around a heavy secret for a while now. It’s not something I’ve been able to admit to my husband or my friends because I know they’ll judge me, but I think I’m finally ready to reveal what I’ve been holding super-close to the vest for awhile now.
Okay, here goes: Every night after my husband goes to bed, I slink away to the guest bedroom. (It’s not to escape my husband’s snoring, although that’s a nice bonus.) It’s to sleep with some very attractive teenage dudes. It’s not the same dudes every night, mind you, which makes this confession sound even naughtier, but I assure you: it’s all worth it.
What’s worse than sleeping with other men behind my husband’s back? Well, obviously, the fact that these guys are teenagers (or at least they pretend to be.) But that’s part of the fun. I know I’m too old for these guys — they’re probably interested in younger women with perkier breasts — yet every night, they waltz into my spare bedroom and entertain me for hours and sometimes (GASP!) all night long.
The hardest part is keeping the volume down. I want to be able to hear every word but sometimes it’s hard when they speak so softly. I try to keep quiet enough so my husband won’t hear anything but sacrificing volume means I might miss a sweet nothing, and that’s simply unacceptable.
To read more on this intriguing story, go to YourTango.com
By Cody Mullins, From YourTango
Everyone who’s ever been married knows that making a relationship last is hard. Two people get together and they try to build a life together, a life that often involves differences of opinion on living habits, money trouble, kids, and on and on and on it goes. Even something as simple as sharing a toothpaste tube can make enduring a long lasting relationship difficult. (Just ask my wife about the importance of squeezing from the bottom of the tube.) But throw depression into the mix and it transforms the level of marital difficulty from the this is pretty hard category into the oh shit, this is nearly impossible category.
My wife, Casey, and I have been married for 13 years. Just like most long-lasting relationships, our marriage has been hard and we’ve faced our share of difficulties and near-misses. Making it to our 13th anniversary (the unlucky 13th anniversary as my wife would say) wouldn’t have been possible had I not made efforts at trying to understand and deal with my wife’s severe depression.
The first time I experienced my wife’s depression (and helping someone through depression can really only be described as an “experience”) was a few weeks after we met. She came over to my apartment late at night and without much warning or reason, burst out into tears. She cried “ugly tears”, as we called them, with every bit of energy within her. I pulled my soon-to-be wife into my arms and we sat on the couch, while she sobbed until we both fell asleep.
At the time, I didn’t know what depression was. I had no clue. I was completely ignorant that depression was even a disease, a disease that could take complete control of someone’s mind and wreak havoc. I was of the mindset that a person could simply choose to be happy, and I assumed my wife, too, could choose to be happy if she wanted to – and yet, for some unexplainable reason, she was choosing to be sad.
By Nicole Weaver, From YourTango
Many people think they have it all figured out when it comes to divorce. The whole “50 percent of marriages end in divorce” statistic gets thrown around a lot. Everyone knows someone whose family was torn apart by it. But there’s so much more to know about ending marriages. We gathered five things that may change your view about divorce.
1. 50 Percent Of Divorcees Regret Ending Their Marriage
Perhaps this means there is hope after all? A survey asked 2,000 UK men and women who are divorcees, or ended a relationship of at least five years, questions about their feelings over their breakups and the answers were shocking. Half of them said they regret splitting ways, 54 percent had second thoughts, and 42 percent considered giving their relationship another try.
2. The More You Get Remarried, The More Likely You’ll Get Divorced
Some believe you should try and try again when it comes to love, but should the same thought process go to marriage? Statistically the answer is no. According to Divorce Statistics, the divorce rate for a first marriage is between 41 percent to 50 percent, second marriages have a divorce rate of 60 percent to 67 percent, and for third marriage the divorce rate is between 73 percent to 74 percent.
3. Divorce Rates Are The Highest In The South
Since the South is usually pegged as being more tied to tradition and religion, you wouldn’t think it would have that high of a divorce rate. However according to The Census Bureau’s last report comparing the country’s divorce rates, the South has the highest rate of divorce compared to other parts of the country in 2009. Their rate of divorce was 10.2 per 1,000 men and 11.1 per 1,000 women. On the flip side, the Northeast had the lowest rate of divorce.
4. Only ONE U.S. President Has Been Divorced
It’s kind of an unwritten rule that presidents have to appear to have a picture-perfect family. Because of that, only one U.S. President has been divorced, and that man was Ronald Reagan. In 1940 Reagan married actress Jane Wyman but later divorced in 1948. They had a daughter named Maureen and adopted a son named Michael together. He then remarried to an actress named Nancy Davis in 1952. They then had two children, Patricia and Ronald.
Read more about divorce facts at YourTango.com