All Articles Tagged "marriage"

How To Move On When He’s Not The One

August 28th, 2015 - By Liz Lampkin
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What happens to a woman when she discovers that her “Prince Charming” is not her soul mate? How does she recover from the loss she’s experienced and find the strength to move on? Here are a few options to help you do so the right way.

Preparing For Your Future Husband: Is It Necessary Or Just Plain Crazy?

August 26th, 2015 - By Erica R. Williams
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Image Source: Shutterstock.com

Image Source: Shutterstock.com

I am single. I will preface this article with that declaration, but this isn’t an article complaining about my single status. In fact, I don’t find it disheartening. I am not necessarily looking for a man. I am happily dating and not sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for the right one to come along. But at the same time, I do hope to one day meet the man who makes my “happily dating” status but a thing of the past.

I want to get married. Until recently, I never thought that maybe my hope of wanting to get hitched was simply not enough. Should I prepare for it? Should I make plans for the husband I want? Should you be preparing for your future husband? Although the notion might sound outrageous to some, according to the older married women in my life, it’s necessary.

Benjamin Franklin said it best: “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” These words have become the foundation of my career and how I go about my entrepreneurial activities. Before I go to a speaking engagement, I prepare. Before I seek to pen an article or complete a major task, I do research and prepare. So should I do the same thing in my personal life? Before I officially walk down the aisle, should I prepare for it? And how does one do that?

“Start cooking. Keep your home like you would if your husband lived there,” one of the women said to me. She had been married for more than 15 years and said this is how she began to prepare her mind and home for a husband. Sounds crazy, right? Well, not to her. “You should come home and cook and act as if you have someone waiting for you.” Why would I do this? I thought to myself while feeling both slightly confused and somewhat amused at the idea. The other two ladies sitting beside her in the salon agreed, but one of them laid it out for me in a different way.

“You seem too independent,” she said. I immediately rolled my eyes in the most respectful way possible. I detest the “too independent notion” that divides some women, mostly those who are single from those who are married. Noticing my frustration she offered this idea: By “preparing” for a husband, I am telling the universe what I want through my actions.

That I could consider as a possibility. I date, but I don’t allow too much time for it. I am so focused on my career that I often neglect the needs (and wants) of a man. And I most certainly don’t come home as if I have someone waiting for me. Why would I? I don’t. So am I not preparing my mind or heart for the man I hope to marry?

Still not entirely convinced, I went back and forth with the ladies. I told them that I don’t believe a woman should always have to cook. And while parts of my dating ideals are old-fashioned, for the most part, I let them know that I’m less about that domestic life. I cook, but not every day. I clean up after myself, but I don’t necessarily believe in cleaning up after another adult. Is this thinking preventing me from marriage? I don’t think so, but according to the opinionated ladies at the salon, it is.

While I have not decided if I will in fact “prepare” for my future man by acting as if I already have one, I have chosen to be a bit more open to love and relationships. But what do you think ladies? Is it an act of desperation to prepare for your future husband even when you don’t have a man?

What’s The Point Of Committing In An Open Relationship?

August 24th, 2015 - By Tanvier Peart
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You can go ahead and label me a prude because this is something I don’t understand. How folks can have an open relationship or open marriage and get in their feelings when someone steps out, I’ll never know.

I found myself talking to a girlfriend about this very topic after “news broke” Will and Jada were headed for a divorce. Obviously, this was as real as folks still claiming to see Tupac, so we didn’t give that rumor mill much thought. However, a person who did come up was a mutual friend that we’ll just call Candace for the sake of trying to keep things kosher.

Out of the three of us, Candace was married the longest but had no children. Both she and her husband can’t stand them on the regular and wanted to fund their vacation account instead of future college needs. Some might think that goes against the grain of what’s expected in a marriage, but for Candace and her guy, it worked. They are anything but traditional.

Now I do my best not to judge (that’s a lie, sometimes I don’t lol), but it took some getting used to Candace and her ways. You see, she and her husband might have been married for eight years, but more than half of that time was spent as an open relationship. I’ll never forget asking her about her arrangement because to me, it didn’t make a bit of sense.

“Soo when you mean ‘open,’ it’s like one of you will be faithful until there’s someone you meet you want to smash?” I asked.

“I mean if you put it that way, yes,” replied Candace.

Before you come for me I need to tell you that she is the one who talks about her marriage. I’m so thankful to have my little Martin and Gina situation going strong (eight years together, three years married and two babies…Jesus!) given everyone in my family is divorced. While I do close my lip about folks’ relationships, there was something interesting about Candace in her setup. We have that kind of dialogue where it’s OK for me to ask questions. I might be the loud one out of our group, but when it comes to love and relationships, just call me Charlotte from “Sex and the City.”

Personally, I don’t understand why people get into open arrangements. I guess if you want to justify cheating — or completely remove it from the table so you can stay together — it might make sense.

Well dear Candace isn’t talking much about her marriage theses days.

They’re headed for divorce.

Remember that conversation I was having with my girlfriend about Will and Jada? Well, around that same time I noticed it had been days since we spoke to Candace about the ending of her marriage. Given I no longer live nearby to pay her a visit, I felt a bit helpless about the entire thing. The girlfriend I was speaking to has zero sympathy for her and oftentimes will tell her, “you brought this on yourself.” Sure I could kick a person when they’re down, but I just don’t think it’s right. Candace always knew what I thought about open relationships and how they can come to bite you on the butt, so why rub salt in an already messy wound?

Apparently, she found out her soon-to-be ex husband was messing with the same girl that ended up starting a new relationship on the side. I assume it was OK for them to mess around with other people so long as there were no feelings, but how can you guarantee something like this doesn’t happen?

I guess you can’t.

Thinking about open relationships and marriages made me take a look at my own situation. With the divorce rate so high, is this one of the reasons why couples remove the exclusive label from their union? Does everyone cheat so much that you now need to be OK with extra people having access to your spouse? Should people who constantly forgive a cheating spouse consider themselves to be in an open relationship?

The fact that I have all these da*& questions further lets me know an open relationship just isn’t where it is, at least not for me.

Honestly, I don’t think you can really get mad at someone for doing something you deemed OK, right? Rather than have an open relationship — and possibly bring STDs and other craziness into your life — it might be better to just stay single.

Thoughts?

Judge Rejects Brittney Griner’s Request To Annul Marriage To Glory Johnson

August 15th, 2015 - By Ashley Monaé
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Looks like Brittney Griner and Glory Johnson’s “short-lived” union isn’t going to be so short after all.

On May 9, the WNBA stars were married at Phoenix’s Pointe Hilton Tapatio Cliffs Resort in front of 75 guests.  28 days later Britney filled with annul their marriage, saying that it was a “huge mistake” and prior to the wedding she knew that she “shouldn’t have went through it with.”

Although Griner has moved on with a new lady, under law she’s still married to Johnson. On June 5, Brittney filed the paperwork amidst all the messiness (Glory expecting twins that she claims to have no part in doing). Yesterday (Aug. 14), an Arizona judge rejected Griner’s request for an annulment.

The court found “no legal basis for annulment,” also stating “the case shall proceed on the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage with Minor Children.” In this case, Griner’s next option would be to divorce Johnson, but she’ll definitely have to fork over a good amount of coins in the process.

Johnson reacted to the denial of the request by taking to Instagram and sharing a photo of a quote that said, “Lying is done with words and also with silence.”

The caption she wrote read:

“It’s not right to proclaim to The World that someone cheated on you, without having Legitimate Proof. I’m not that type of Person, never have been, never will be.”

She also told TMZ Sports, “I am thankful the annulment was rejected because an act of marriage did occur.” “Together we made life changing decisions which impacted our lives collectively, and we both should be held responsible for those decisions,” she added.

Britney’s camp has not commented on the matter.

 

You’re Lucky I Love You: 14 Things Your Lover Did That Almost Got Them Killed

August 14th, 2015 - By Tanvier Peart
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As much as you love your boo thang and think they were never do wrong in your eyes, just wait. Sooner or later they’re bound to piss you off in some way. Of course this doesn’t mean you love them any less. Here’s a look at some fun relationship pet peeves that might anger you while making you smile in agreement.

It’s OK to have some fun when it comes to being upset.

Don’t Spill Too Much Tea: 10 Things That Are No One Else’s Business

August 12th, 2015 - By Tanvier Peart
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Certain things really don’t need to be other folks’ business. Too many of us are spilling the tea when it comes to our personal lives. Yes, it’s important to open up at times, but that doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone in your life what’s really going on. Here are some examples of things you might not want to share with other people.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

10 Ways To Enjoy Dating When You Have Kids

August 10th, 2015 - By Tanvier Peart
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10 Ways To Enjoy Dating When You Have Kids

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Parents with kids know all too well how easy it is for your privacy and “adult time” to go out the window. As much as you love your little ones, sometimes you want a night to yourself — that doesn’t include changing diapers, bottles and dealing with attitudes. Here are some ways parents can get back to dating, even when a babysitter, family member, or friend isn’t available.

Women Still Standing By Their Scandalous Men

August 10th, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: ESPN

Image Source: ESPN

You’re supposed to stand by your man in sickness and in health, but what about through cheating, wife-beating and fraud? These celebrity women have taken the notion, stand by your man, to a new level by weathering some of the worst celebrity scandals. Would you stay? Or is it time for these ladies to woman-up and leave?

Not About That Life: Why You Shouldn’t Hang Around Couples In Constant Drama

August 6th, 2015 - By Tanvier Peart
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Does anyone else find themselves in the center of someone else’s argument that makes you ask yourself, how in the hell did I get here? I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to letting folks in my inner circle, I am extremely picky, probably more than the government — and you know how hard it can be to land a job with them. This doesn’t mean I think of myself higher than anyone else. I just don’t enjoy drama, unless it’s on television.

I have quickly discovered that finding good friends you can double date with is impossible at times. Just when you think you found a good match, boom! It blows up in your face — including the girl, who you thought was your friend eyeing your guy because she doesn’t get the attention she needs at home.

We can talk about that another day.

Moving to a different state threw my social calendar in a loop. Not only did my husband and I leave our core friends when we moved away, but also had to find ways to juggle the needs of our child (we have since had another) and personal life. It was music to our ears when we were introduced to another couple who had a child. I tried my best not to whip out my phone and set up double dates into the following year. Things were OK at first as we had to navigate that awkward “getting to know you” stage. Just like a first date, you try your best to find compatibility that hints at a long-lasting relationship. This is where I think I jumped the gun as one or two things in common masked a whole lot of craziness.

Once the pleasantries began to wear off, I started to notice a change in the atmosphere. This couple who once was so happy to see each other would arrive to events separately — and even leave without uttering a few words to each other. At first I thought they had gotten into a fight prior to their arrival. After all, what couple doesn’t cuss each other out in the car from time to time before having to put on a smile for the public? I can understand that. But what was weird to me was that it happened every time we went out with them. Once at a mutual friend’s barbecue, the husband turned to me and asked, “why can’t my wife be more like you?”

Stop right there, it’s time to have a PSA. It’s never OK to compare your wife to someone else — especially in front of her face!

If you thought that was bad it turned out to be mild compared to the heat that came from their direction. There were times when my husband and I would literally sit between them as they argued back and forth about who made more money, whose mama was the worst (oh yes), along with that infamous question that sparked a Tyler Perry movie, Why Did I Get Married? Rather than take the easy way out by giving an excuse of how busy we were to hang, I made the decision to nip it in the bud.

“Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but we can’t get caught up in this,” I told the wife. “We’ll pray for y’all and everything, but this here is too much.”

I get that every couple goes through their ups and downs. As much as I want to think I married my Prince Charming, there are days when I question my sanity in saying “I do.” It happens. However, too much drama — to the point of being marriage counselors is not only bad for the arguing couple’s relationship (you don’t want all your tea in the streets), but also your own. Think about it: Have you ever spent time with someone who was always negative? After a while, it starts to lower your spirits a bit. If my guy and I are focused on trying to build up something good, the last thing we need is craziness in our inner circle that includes a grown man constantly throwing jabs about his wife behind her back.

There’s a big difference in my book between building each other up and allowing folks to zap your spirit — and with the divorce rate so high in this country, ain’t nobody got time for that.

Help Wanted: I Date In The Hopes Of Finding A Husband As Opposed To Just Enjoying The Moment

August 6th, 2015 - By Deja Jones
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Being a forward thinker comes in handy at several points in adult life. You’ll never or hardly ever run into a complex financial situation that you can’t strategize your way out of. You’ll be able to make decisions based off of sound judgment. But what happens when being a forward thinker begins to do more harm than good when it comes to your love life? It seems like you’re just at the beginning of the tunnel and trying to see what’s on the other side instead of enjoying the journey.

For most women, when we hit 25 we start to think obsessively about things such as career stability, financial security, and who we’re going to spend the rest of our lives with. If you’re single and have been for some time, one of your deepest desires can turn into an obsessive goal—to meet a guy. So you start to look for the qualities you deem a must-have in every man you come across and quickly move on to the next if they don’t add up. Dating takes on an entirely different meaning for you. Sure, you might entertain a few flings here and there, but what you really want is someone who’s going to stick around and put a ring on it. You’re not just dating for the hell of it, to kill some time, or so you won’t be lonely. If you’re giving of your time, it’s because you see something in a man that interests you. However, you can be a little high strung and too hung up on what the end result could and will be. I can relate because this is a major issue for me.

Long story short, I started dating a guy who was a year younger than me in age, and, it seemed, a lot younger in terms of his wants and needs. I was interested, but I couldn’t ignore that, so things didn’t work out. I shut it down quickly.

Now, I’ll admit, sometimes I do expect things to just happen overnight, but I know realistically that they won’t. However, whenever I meet a guy that I’m really interested in and like, my mind is already daydreaming about us having a beautiful brownstone in Harlem, or a fancy loft in the Lower East Side with great careers and children. I start to see possibilities that begin to obscure reality.

Some days I see what I’m looking for and some days it’s hard to tell. My friends have told me countless times to be in the moment and enjoy the guys I date. Others say that if I can’t see it, as in a future with a guy, I shouldn’t waste my time.

I know my biggest issue is patience. In retrospect, being a forward thinker seems to be the reason a lot of my relationships have ended before they’ve even taken off anywhere. I come into a dating situation knowing full well what I want and expecting it just to click right away. Being a forward thinker means that you’re always one step ahead of the game, but sometimes being so far ahead also means missing what’s right in front of you.

I think it’s okay to be a forward thinker and have expectations for yourself in building a relationship. But it can be unnecessarily stressful when you start creating expectations for someone else before you even get to know them well. I know I need to slow down my mind, but it’s difficult when my biological clock is on warp speed…

Any other women in a quarter-life or mid-life love crisis having this problem?