All Articles Tagged "marriage"
A couple of days ago a friend and I were discussing another mutual friend–we’ll call her “Roslyn”–who was going through a divorce. Although the divorce hadn’t been finalized, her and her no ex-husband went their separate ways nearly two years ago. This resulted in him moving out and getting his own place, and quickly moving on to a new girlfriend. Even still, they were in contact as they share custody of their three kids. When I asked a mutual friend if Roslyn was dating, she informed me that although Roslyn had gone on a date or two here and there, she was just not ready. “Roslyn doesn’t feel “single” yet,” she said.
As a woman who has had the experience of dating two different men who were going through a divorce, I can unequivocally say that I’ll never date a married but separated man again. One was simply not emotionally ready to move on, while the other informed me after five months of dating that he was going to go back and give it another shot with his wife–only for them to end up divorced anyway. Honestly, it was just too much drama for me. So, until a man was totally free and wasn’t involved with any other women that could claim him as her husband, I stayed away. Now, as a married woman myself, I can say with some degree of certainty that if my husband and I were to divorce, I wouldn’t want to rush right back into another serious relationship. But that’s just me.
All circumstance are different, so it’s hard to say if a person should date someone who is in the process of a divorce or not. While most divorces can be sad, nasty and drawn out, others can be quick and painless. But often times there’s a grey area where both parties know the relationship has run its course and are ready to move on, but they have to figure out how to divide custody of the kids and shared assets. This can take months, if not years, with lawyers are the only ones tying the two people together. Dating someone in that circumstance might not be risky, but love is a risk no matter what. However, even if you play out many different scenarios in your head, you still will not be fully informed on your situation and how you should proceed.
Like any other matter of the heart, your gut is your best tool to use when trying to decide if dating someone who is separated is worth it. Assess his situation thoroughly: How long has he been separated? Does he live alone? Are there kids involved and/or assets that need to be split? Does he seem emotionally available or over her completely? Just because a man is over his ex doesn’t mean he’s ready to be in a committed relationship again. He could still be mourning the end of the marriage even though he’s dating. Sometimes people use others to help them get over that loss, which we call a rebound.
Ladies, if you’re not sure if you’re just a rebound helping him to transition from marriage to single-hood, then avoid dating men who are separated and not divorced. If you do decide to date him, take it slow. There should be no pressure on him to define your relationship, divulge if he’s ready to get married again or even if he sees a future with you. Chances are he’s still reeling from the shock of his failed marriage to even begin to think about the possibility of going down that road again.
Again, not all men and women are emotional and financial wrecks after a divorce. Some even believe in the institution of marriage, and hope to marry the right person the second or even third time around. But like all relationships that you might hope turn into a long-term commitment, take your time getting to know him. Ask important questions–the cause of the breakup in the first place– so you can make informed decisions on how you’d like to proceed. And if marriage is what you ultimately aspire to, make sure you discover over the course of getting to know him if he’s willing to do it again in time.
No one can know for sure how dating and falling in love will turn out, but your intuition can let you know if dating a guy who is separated but not divorced is worth it. If you have any doubts or feel that he’s just using you to get over his ex, then don’t do it. If you’re unsure, it’s best to wait until he’s free, for real. And if he’s the one, he’ll come looking for you when the ink is dry.
Who says single and married friends don’t mix? After a big lifestyle change, all relationships need a little maintenance. Here are a few reasons to put in the extra effort to keep your friendships alive.
If I’ve learned anything in recent years, it’s that the boatloads of surveys on marriage and divorce that have been published over the past decade or so are not very helpful when it comes to making decisions pertaining to life-long commitments. For years, the experts have said that the longer you wait to get married, the less likely it is that you’ll end up in divorce court. However, a recent survey suggests that there’s also a such a thing as waiting too long to marry.
While analyzing data from the National Survey of Family Growth from 2006 to 2010, Nicholas Wolfinger, found that couples who marry in their early 30s are more likely to divorce than couples who tie the knot in their late 20s. Of course, historic stats that suggest that teen marriages and the marriages of those who wed in their early 20s are more likely to end in divorce than those who marry after age 25, are still relevant today. However, there’s something about the 30+ age group that still leaves researchers scratching their heads. The aformentioned survey suggests that each additional year you wait to get married after age 25 decreases chances of divorce by approximately 11 percent. But this all changes once couples reach age 32. Marrying after 32 causes odds of divorce to increase again. Wolfinger explains:
This is a big change. To the best of my knowledge, it’s only recently that thirty-something marriage started to incur a higher divorce risk. It appears to be a trend that’s gradually developed over the past twenty years: a study based on 2002 data observed that the divorce risk for people who married in their thirties was flattening out, rather than continuing to decline through that decade of life as it previously had.
While Wolfinger is unsure what causes the spike after age 32, he speculates that self-selection is the culprit, stating that perhaps those who wait so long to marry may not be suited for marriage, or may have married someone who isn’t suited.
Blah. Blah. Blah. Chances are, they’ll be telling you something different a couple of years from now. In other words, live your life and toss all of these depressing marriage stats out of the window.
Celebrity divorces always make big news, but when stars end things before making it to the altar, people seem to quickly forget about the couples who almost made it official. Do you remember these celebrity engagements?
Do you believe in sex before marriage? Ciara and Russell Wilson just joined the long list of celebrities who said they were waiting until marriage to have sex. But not all of the stars on this list ended up maintaining their abstinence.
This is an honest question every couple needs to ask before signing on the dotted line.
Many years ago, I worked as a regional design consultant for clients building custom homes. This career opened my eyes to the realities of home-ownership, and all the decisions that come with it. One thing that shocked me were how many unmarried couples wanted to put their name on a mortgage before saying ‘I do.’ Obviously everyone has the right to do what they want in their relationship and with their own money.
Given the process of purchasing a home — let alone building one — takes time I remember more unmarried couples trying to back out of the deal. I’ll never forget one couple who were together for over a decade and excited to purchase a home. Rather than focus on a wedding they knew would eventually happen, the pair wanted to build the perfect home close to their jobs (both worked in D.C.). Seeing as custom homes take some time to erect, their happiness evolved into hate and disgust. By the time the house was just about complete, my company received word from their builder they were trying to get out of their contract. Lord only know if they were able to and how much money they lost in the process.
Perhaps this is the reason why I decided not to purchase a home with someone who wasn’t my husband. Then again, the divorce rate is so high, the mister and I might end up ‘consciously uncoupling’ anyway.
The truth of the matter is home ownership is available to anyone who can afford both the down payment and monthly note. Unmarried millennial couples in particular are more likely to buy a home together before walking down the aisle. Some industry professionals believe many do so before their nuptials to make sure they’re ready for the next step in life. Others want to capitalize on current prices while they’re still affordable.
As you would expect with such a hefty purchase, the idea of marriage is put on the back burner. Kudos to you if you’re able to drop money on a home and turn around and finance a wedding. There might need to be something that needs to give.
Even though my husband and I lived together prior to getting married, we didn’t want to make any significant joint investments until we got hitched. Heaven forbid something happened where we didn’t work out, we wanted as little legal tape to deal with as possible. Owning a home together isn’t as simple as breaking a lease and shouldn’t be entered into lightly.
Experts are pretty quick to point out that non-married couples do not have the same protection as a husband and a wife. For starters, there’s little to no estate-planning protection. “By default, our laws are suited for married couples acquiring assets,” Luigi Rosablanca, a real estate lawyer tells The New York Times.
Those interested in purchasing property together and aren’t married are strongly encouraged to speak with a lawyer before doing so. You should get as much professional advice as possible — like how to define the title to the property (e.g. tenants in common, joint tenants), and how to file property and co-habitation agreements should things turn sour. Kudos to you if you’re able to get everything in your name as the person who holds the title is typically the one with all the cards.
Would you purchase a home with someone who wasn’t your spouse?
No matter how hard you try, sometimes things just don’t work out. As much as it can hurt, break ups are a part of life that aren’t always a reality that’s easy to swallow. After all, you invested time, love and energy into making it work.
Let’s just hope you don’t catch a case in the process of uncoupling.
Here’s a look at some good and bad ways to break up. Remember, it’s always best to take the high road.
As I get older and celebrate one birthday after another, I always get asked, “So, do you feel older?” I usually don’t–until my aunts and cousins bombard me with questions about marriage and motherhood. “When are you getting married?” “Don’t you think it’s about time for you to have kids?” I always justify my current single status by saying I’m not even dating and would at least need to be in a committed relationship before we start talking engagements and children. During these conversations, I don’t find myself second-guessing where I’m at in life. But as wedding season rolls around each spring and summer, I log on to Facebook or Instagram, and there’s always a new “She Said Yes!” post coming from acquaintances. That is when I find myself fighting off the jealousy that’s brewing within me.
As of late, I’ve noticed that I get asked at least twice a day why “a woman like me” is single. What does that even mean? But the truth is, I have internalized the idea that I don’t have the time or energy to put in a real effort when it comes to building with someone. Let’s be honest, it’s a load of bull, and I really feel it when I have no one to share my successes with. Or when friends ask me to double date, and I’m left to look at the invisible man standing next to me during outings.
I think about the never-ending claim that men make about women being too independent to date. Sometimes I wonder, could it be true? While I am independent, I don’t necessarily give off the vibe that I don’t need someone can’t take care of me and that a man is incapable of doing so. Even if I did, it wouldn’t be true. Will Smith said it best in Hitch:
“Basic principles – no woman wakes up saying ‘God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!’ Now, she might say ‘This is a really bad time for me,’ or something like ‘I just need some space,’ or my personal favorite, ‘I’m really into my career right now.’ You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Cause she’s lying to you, that’s why. You understand me? Lying! It’s not a bad time for her. She doesn’t need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she’s really saying is ‘Uh, get away from me now,’ or possibly ‘Try harder, stupid,’ but which one is it? Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal body language; Thirty percent is your tone, so that means ninety percent of what you’re saying ain’t coming out of your mouth. Of course she’s going to lie to you! She’s a nice person! She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings! What else is she going to say? She doesn’t even know you… yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn’t know what she wants until she sees it, and that’s where I come in.”
Yes, I had to quote the entire monologue.
While it isn’t wise to date just because you’re lonely, I find myself yearning for a companion, someone to share my life with. With a handful of friends, relatives, male acquaintances and sorority sisters getting engaged and married, it’s becoming harder for me to ignore my ticking biological clock. I don’t feel older, but I do feel myself going through the beginning stages of a quarter-life crisis. It’s wedding season, and I feel left out. As the last friend in my circle to still be single, I find that the conversation is shifting between us all. While they’re gushing over wedding plans, bridal showers, where they wish to live with their partner after they’re married, and how many children they want, I chime in, but I know I’m further off course than they are. Some days I sit and daydream about this guy who’s supposedly going to find me so that I can one day talk mindlessly about some of the same things.
But I could be in the way of that guy finding me. Coming from a committed relationship of six years and being single for two, I must admit that fear is holding me back. I lost myself during those six years and having worked these past two years to find her again, I’m fearful that committing would mean giving up all I’ve worked for. I’m partly to blame for my own loneliness. I’ve assumed that I need to focus on me and my career, and I need to be established before I can worry about being with someone else. But as I sit at my laptop RSVP’ing for weddings and receptions with no plus-one, I can’t help but wonder, when will time reveal who’s going to sweep me off my feet? And more importantly, will I let them?
When Zoe Saldana announced that her husband had taken her last name, eyebrows raised all over Hollywood. But Marco
Perego Saldana isn’t alone. These Hollywood husbands took the names of their wives as well.
Brittney Griner isn’t the only celebrity who has said that their marriage was a “huge mistake.” These stars realized they made the wrong decision almost immediately after they went down the aisle.
From just a few hours to just a few days, these are the shortest celebrity marriages on record.