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You’re best friends. You’ve been dating for years. You live together. You know each other very well….in fact, you know him well enough to know that you don’t want to marry him. Not now and maybe not ever. The problem is, he wants to marry you and he may be proposing any time now. There’s no virtue in marrying someone who you don’t want to marry. And just because someone asks for your hand doesn’t mean you have to extend it.

So what should you expect if you turn a ring down? Can a relationship survive a rejected (or rescinded) proposal?

It depends.

Jessica Bennett who wrote the New York Times article “Missing the Boat: The Case For Marriage” talks about her experience after turning down her boyfriend’s proposal because she didn’t want to get married:

I loved him desperately. I knew, as much as I would ever know, that he was the one I wanted to be with. We balanced each other. I wanted to frame his dimples.

And yet the moment I saw that ring, I was terrified. I saw dirty dishes and suburbia, not lace-covered wedding gowns. Rather than thinking about the family we’d someday have, I saw the career I had hardly started as suddenly out of reach. The independence I had barely gained felt stifled. I couldn’t breathe.

I begged him to forgive me. I cried and pleaded. I promised I’d never leave him, and I meant it.

He was devastated, but he loved me too much to let go. So we came back to New York, to our tiny apartment, and tried to move on. We held each other — that night, and every night after. I cried and stroked his hair. I said I was sorry. I told him I loved him. We slowly moved forward.

There were plenty of times over the next six years that I wished I had said yes. We could have had a long engagement, I told myself. In a few years, I would have been ready.

But as time went on, as our couple friends broke up, as those who were the first to marry became the first to get divorced, I was glad we hadn’t done it.

THEN one day, in the most tired of clichés, I, too, started daydreaming about a wedding….I brought the issue up tepidly, to feel him out. Lying in bed one night, I asked: “Do you still want to do it? Do you really not believe in it?”

“I’d marry you at City Hall,” he replied, then dropped it.

Another time, he threw my argument back at me: “Why do we need marriage? It’s only a piece of paper.”

And then I brought it up again as we were planning a summer vacation with his family…“Why don’t we get married there, on the love boat?” I asked.

He laughed. “We’d have to talk about it seriously.”

We never did.

A month later the couple broke up. He told her he had never forgiven her for turning him down six years ago.

If you’re interested in staying together after refusing a proposal, you definitely want to try to preserve the relationship from the moment he proposes. If he does it in private, then it’s best to respectfully decline right away. If he is in front of friends and family then you may want to say yes in the moment to save him from the public humiliation of rejection and then have the talk as soon as you’re in private. From there, reiterate that you want to stay in the relationship and that declining the proposal doesn’t mean you want to break up, but be prepared for the reality that he might.

The man is in an extremely vulnerable position at this point and his ego will undoubtedly be bruised. No one wants to hear “no” if they’re genuinely expecting “a thousand times yes!” Be clear about whether your no is a “not now,”a “not you,” or a “not ever”. If you think you need more time to be ready, then that’s different than never wanting to get married to anyone. Ever. In that case, it may be hard to salvage the relationship if he is looking for a commitment and you’d rather not do the whole marriage license and wedding vows, thing.  If you don’t see yourself ever being a Mrs. and he wants nothing more than to call you his wife then breaking up might be the best thing for you both since you clearly want two different things.

If you just need more time, that should be okay, especially considering that marriage is for life so whether you get married tomorrow or next year, you’ll still be married for the decades to come. Theoretically, a man who loves you and truly wants to be your husband would probably be understanding and willing to wait – at least a little while. But you shouldn’t expect him to wait 10 years, just as if the tables were turned no one would tell a woman to wait 10 years for her boyfriend to be “ready”.

There are some men who say if a woman turns them down, they will never propose again. It doesn’t mean they don’t still want to marry her, but not many men (or women) would set themselves up for rejection twice. In that case, the girlfriend might need to propose to the boyfriend if/when she changes her mind about marriage.

The best thing to do is just to make sure your lines of communication are open to prevent the whole get-down-on-one-knee thing from happening in the first place. Communication is important to any relationship and when you notice him dropping hints, make like a sniper and shoot the idea down while it’s still forming. Either that, or encourage him to keep his receipts.

What do you think? Have you ever turned down a marriage proposal?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink or check out her blog This Cannot Be My Life

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The Proposal. No, not that awful Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds movie, but the actual request for marriage. How important is it?

Over the weekend, one of my friends was telling me how she would like her (future) boyfriend to propose. To be fair we were looking at RingOnTheFinger.com which is a website featuring videos of marriage proposals caught on film. My friend was telling me that she was hoping he would propose to her in a very public way and that someone would record it on video. Though some people think the ultrapublic, jumbotron proposal is cheesy (and a way to make headlines after being brutally rejected), she is wanting something of that caliber. The kind of epic marriage proposal that gets 23 million views on Youtube and lands couples on Good Morning America the next day. When she said she wanted a “memorable proposal” I wondered what types of proposals are not “memorable” considering it’s not every day a man asks you to marry him. That moment is unforgettable! Maybe by “memorable” she meant “likeable”?”

According to a recent study, one in four brides hated the way their future husband proposed.

Twenty-six per cent of brides-to-be said that they wished the moment had been more romantic, original or personal.

Others would have preferred it to be more private or complained that it was too over-the-top, and a third said that the biggest faux pas was proposing without a ring.

I’m with them on the ring thing. Nobody has to be sporting a blood diamond the size of her head, but I think it’s pretty strange to be engaged without a ring. Did he pop the question via text message?

Still, I wonder if this high dissatisfaction comes from the fact that we see so many proposals nowadays through social media. I almost feel bad for guys. Proposing ten years ago was probably way easier than proposing today. Now, in our current culture of reality shows, overshare and grandstanding, men and women witness more proposals than ever thus creating expectations no matter how unrealistic. With every event chronicled on Instagram and YouTube, it’s almost as if it’s no longer enough to find the person you want to marry, but guys better bring it with the marriage proposal. Some men are up to the challenge, but others are scared away by the perceived pressure.

At least three men have recently expressed to me their nervousness about proposing. Not because they don’t want to marry their girlfriends, or think she doesn’t want to marry them, or can’t afford an engagement ring, but because these guys feel the intense pressure to pull off the #GreatestProposalEver.

Who doesn’t love a great proposal? But does it make it great because there are tons of people  and a video camera around to capture it or because it’s great to find that person you want to marry who also wants to marry you?  What makes a proposal terrible? The fact that he did it when you were in sweats or the fact that he asked you and you didn’t want to marry him? In my opinion, the worst proposal is the kind that results in a blink-and-you-missed-it marriage.

I know someone who had a fantastic proposal by social media standards, but no one will be more surprised than me if they make it to their third wedding anniversary. Some people take the proposal more seriously than the wedding vows and that’s just sad. When days are doing couples part, who cares if he spells out “Will You Marry Me?” in rose petals? If it’s only going to last a few weeks then you may as well just pick out a ring while he plays Call of Duty.

That’s not to say that marriage proposals aren’t essential. They are. An (accepted) marriage proposal signifies the start of a new chapter in a relationship. Plus they can serve as a great jumping off point for the sometimes grueling process of planning a wedding. Personally, I think creative proposals are the best. The kind when the guy (or ballsy girl) proposes in a way that is meaningful and unique to the couple whether in front of a crowd or alone. Then again, I wonder if I’m only saying that because I’ve been watching too many YouTube proposals lately.

Does it really matter how a guy proposes? Are there women who would turn down marriage or be genuinely upset if he didn’t propose the “right” way? Are there women who would say yes to a boyfriend she didn’t necessarily want to marry simply because he asked in a stunning fashion?

After listening to a friend tell me how she hoped her guy popped the question, I wonder if more women have in mind their “dream proposal” and what happens if the reality is nothing like the dream?

Follow Alissa on Twitter @AlissaInPink or check out her blog This Cannot Be My Life

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock

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Before I elaborate on the question I’ve raised in the title, I want to inform you that I’m pro-choice. Which means if you want to get married I’m for it; and if you don’t care or don’t want to be married I’m for that too. This is not a moral or marriage advertisement article; it’s simply a feature asking for your opinion on what a wedding ring means to you.

I’m sure you’ve seen or heard about the Single Ladies episode that involved Val being offered the life she has always wanted by the man of her dreams sans a wedding ring. Everything she wanted in a marriage and then some was proposed to her, just not in the package she dreamed of – a ring and the chance to wear her Cinderella wedding dress on her big day. While she stayed stuck on the trappings of a wedding confused on what to say and do, her friends thought she was making the biggest mistake of her life. Their sentiments were – who cares about a measly old ring when you’re getting the jewelry store instead. While both Val and her friends have a right to their own opinions, it does beg the question of what does the ring really mean if you’re offered all what you want in relationship plus more. If the ring was the only missing piece, would that be a deal breaker?

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Sometimes men take just a little bit too long to propose to the women in their lives. So, we wondered whether it would be OK for the women to start proposing!

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