All Articles Tagged "mama’s boys"
Whenever big events are taking place we’re always anticipating who our favorite celebs will bring as their dates. Just when we think it’ll be a model, they make us fall in love them even more by bringing their mamas instead. I always find it cute when they show mom dukes that she will always and forever be their leading lady. Video vixen, models, singers… fall back because the mothers are running this show.
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It’s not that hard to spot a scrub. As women, we get approached by them daily. They may have tricked us into believing they weren’t scrubs AT FIRST, but their true colors eventually bleed through. We all go through a period of time when we attract losers – not a big deal. But for some reason or another, there are women who want to stay with them. Women who love scrubs is an article for another day, but today, I want to help women out there who may not be savvy enough to spot a loser.
Sure ‘nough, the relationship between a woman and her son is much different than the relationship between a woman and her daughter, particularly in African American households, where in many cases women are the sole parent. The role of women in their son’s life is to not only act as supporter, nurturer and provider, but in an act of overcompensation, she acts as a coddler, a cheerleader and an enabler. Because mothers don’t always challenge their sons, they set a precedent for how Black men feel they should relate to other women, particularly in terms of intimate relationships. Men decide that it’s okay to demand a great deal from girlfriends/friends/wives, without anything in return; men feel that they can break things (like hearts) without having to pay for it. That said, positive mother-son relationships suggest positive intimate relationships. In the same light, men who have negative relationships with their mothers, sometimes, spend their entire lives punishing other women for whatever chaos transpired between the two.
Black mothers and sons adhere to several types of relationships, though, which span from unexceptionally close to distant and estranged. It’s about time that we take a look at these relationships, and see how these relationships affect sexual and intimate relationships between you and your significant others.
The Mama’s Boy: The relationship with the Mama’s boy is perhaps the easiest to recognize, this mother-son combo are attached at the hip. This relationship is rooted in dependency from both ends, and each use that relationship as a convenient crutch, reinforcing the idea that no one will ever be good enough for him, and no one will ever be quite the woman that she is.
What this means for you: this means that you’ll have quite the shoes to fill. Not only do you have to constantly state that you are not his mother, you need to reiterate the fact that you’ll never be his mother, while always remaining respectful about it. While his mother’s approval is extremely important, she isn’t the decision maker in your relationship.
The Golden Boy: The relationship between ‘the golden boy’ and his mother is a balanced one; it’s rooted in support and reliability, without being overly dependent. Mother-son relationships like this can occur when the man is raised by an independent woman who makes time for family and outside hobbies, or she set rules and boundaries with her son without altering the foundation of their relationship.
What this means for you: the man grows up and is able to communicate well with women, respect women’s ideas, and engage in healthy relationships. His solid bond with his mother promotes his emotional intelligence; enabling him to express feelings of self-control, and he balances his robust masculinity with profound femininity.
The Indifferent Son/Rebel: Separation and early-on independence can be two components which can contribute to this maladjusted man, because of a detached mother. His mother may have been absent or dismissive, she may have worked too much or perhaps she didn’t cradle him enough when he cried. Because of this, he dismissed his mother’s authority and opinions. He is a man of circumstances, and he does not have secure attachment to with his mother. He is emotionally stagnant, difficult to read, forever brooding, and he can have questionable motives. His feelings of detachment could leave you in a perpetual state of “but he needs love.” The lack of interest for his mother and her well-being could translate to his failing interest in your relationship.
By Alisha Cornett
Men. We’ll never understand them. And even more confusing, the bond they share with their mothers will forever be a mystery. No man really wants to be labeled “mama’s boy,” but most are. They must be, because they reflect her influence, positive or negative. The relationship a man has with his mother determines what he thinks of himself, and of women in general.
A mother and son’s relationship directly affects yours and your partner’s relationship, too; the way you handle certain situations as a couple, the way you make decisions, the way you manage your household.
I talked to four female friends last week to get their perspective about their partners’ relationships with their mothers. It was enlightening to hear what they had to say. Three ladies are married, and one is engaged. Their ages range from 22 to 50. I’ve always been a fan of Little Women, so let’s just go ahead and call them Jo, Beth, Meg and Amy.
Four big truths came out of my chat with these four women. Let’s talk about them.
1. Mother-son relationships can be strained, and you may not know where you fit in.
“I expected her to be like my parents, but she was just, well, not,” Jo said. “She made no effort to see us or spend time with us. If we saw her, it was because we went to see her.
“My parents were constantly coming to see us and we were going to see them—it was reciprocated. She always used how busy we were as an excuse not to see us.”
Jo’s husband has been getting in contact with his mother more, and they talk now more than ever. However, she says the bond is still distanced, especially her relationship with his mom. They still only see his mother a few times a year, comparatively less than they see her parents. Jo continued to say how different her husband is from his mother. She hopes that their relationship will continue to improve, but what’s next for her and his mom? It’s a mystery.
If he’s not close at all with his mother, this may be a sign that he has intimacy issues, which you should watch out for. However, if he at least makes an effort, like in Jo’s case, but the effort isn’t reciprocated on the mother’s part, then you can commend your mate for trying to close that gap. Understanding the difference between him and his mother can better help you know how to understand their relationship—and hopefully maintain something of a relationship with her yourself.
Check out the other 3 truths Alisha learned from her chat on YourTango.com.
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I swear, if I could develop and patent one item, it’d be software that allows everyone to study and assess every iota of background data on a potential life-partner. But since we don’t live in a Minority Report society, we can look at the little things that frame the person we set out to date.
We have all heard stories of, or experienced the dreaded mama’s boy, the man looking for a woman just like his mother—a woman who cooks like Mommy; a woman who irons his drawers like Mommy and a woman who strokes his pubescent ego like Mommy. In the past, mothers seemed to be the ones doing all of the giving, only desiring to feel needed in return. Fast forward to the 2000s and the boom of single mothers and you’re dealing with a new type of monster, the single-mama mama’s boy.
Whether you’re watching the NFL draft, BET Awards or ministering in a prison, you are almost guaranteed to hear someone say their motivation to be successful was the ability to provide financially for their mothers and families. Unfortunately, many young black men are witnesses to their mothers’ emotional and financial struggles. In the wake of absent fathers, they are burdened with the responsibility of heading households, which includes being Mommy’s rock. At times, single mothers subconsciously displace adult issues and emotions onto children, especially their sons. They begin to depend on their presence for the comfort and protection that comes with male companionship. They rely on them for support and encouragement, and the small pieces of romance their lives lack (you know, the mothers who get angry when their sons take their girlfriend out on Valentine’s Day instead of them.)
If mothers are “depending” on their sons to meet the needs that would otherwise be met by a significant other, what is left for potential girlfriends…or should I say, the “other woman?” Is it the stifling affect that these mothers have on romantic relationships that incites the anger outwardly projected by their sons?
The only positive male experience in a woman’s life should not be with the one she raised; and, no child should feel indebted to their mother because she is alone.