thinkstock

I come from a long line of angry folks. They’re civilized folks with good jobs, good sense, and a lot of love to share, but they can be angry nonetheless. From my mom, to one of my sisters, as well as both my brothers and my uncle, I’ve watched them go from 0 to 60 in a minute when they felt it necessary, and some of that anger rubbed off on me. We’re what you would call “sensitive.”  And living in New York has made it worse I must say. When men literally let a door slam in my face as they walk through it, bad a** kids throw small rocks at strangers (me, of course) when you’re minding your business walking down the street, and you get some of the worst customer service on the planet, you might have a reason to be a little testy. And honestly, I just assumed everyone around me felt and acted the same way. But that was until I punched a lady in the head last week.

It was an accident of course. During my morning commute, minding my business on the train, I was doing the absolute most to keep my bare hands from touching the very dirty pole next to me, so I proceeded to wrap my arm around the pole instead while I waited for my stop. After changing a song on my phone and in the process of once again wrapping my arm around the pole, I accidentally punched the head of the woman sitting down in the seat next to where I was standing. And it was kind of hard. This woman, white and probably in her mid-20s, slowly pulled her head up in shock, and began to rub the spot that I had just gone all Street Fighter on on accident. I turned and started apologizing: “Oh my gosh, I’m so so sorry. I’m really sorry, that was a total accident.” Expecting her to pop off or at least give me the death face, she just looked confused for a second, rubbed her head some more, nodded as if to say, ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah,” and put her head back down.

That was it.

And I was surprised. I’ve seen New Yorkers of all backgrounds and colors act a complete fool over less, so I was expecting her to act up. But she didn’t because she had better things to do–like finish up her early morning nap before reaching her stop. But for some reason, her response, or lack thereof, had a big impact on me.

As I went to work, I thought about how I know I would have reacted had I been that woman and someone punched me in my head, even if on accident. I might let out a “S**T!” or “What in the hell!???” so that the person knew the extent of their mistake. I’m both sensitive and dramatic. But she was able to shrug it off like I kicked her bag on accident or bumped into her. And if I had hit any other person, I’m sure I would have received a scathing response. I’ve bumped into an older black woman on the train and apologized, only to find her looking at me like she was ready to slap box because her headphones kept her from hearing me. I couldn’t help but share the story with my coworker, and when I asked her why I, and so many others might react less than peacefully compared to this mystery woman, she pointed out one thing that really stuck out with me: “I don’t know, I think we, especially as black people, see these type of things as a sign of disrespect, and many of us do a lot to make sure we’re getting our respect.” Bingo.

I don’t know about you, but I can see my angry faces over the past year (almost two) of living in New York, and I know that respect had a lot to do with the extent of my “rage.” Like the time an older Hispanic man literally sat on me when he couldn’t sit down before the train pulled off, yet he failed to say sorry or anything else to me for that matter. While I only yelled out “OH MY GOD” when his a** fell on me and crushed my purse, in my head after the fact, angry that I received no apology, I was thinking, “DO YOU NOT SEE ME!??? AM I JUST INVISIBLE IN THIS PIECE???” Or the time a white girl standing in front of me whipped her hair in my face and had no clue. Or when a man stole the seat I was about to sit in, and fuming, I thought to myself: “OH SO YOU GONNA ACT LIKE YOU DIDN’T SEE ME ABOUT TO SIT DOWN!? AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN…” In most cases, if someone apologizes for whatever small thing they’ve done to me, I’ll heat up very fast, but hold my tongue and calm myself down, reply with an “It’s cool.”. But when they don’t, I’m ready to spit fire. A lot of my anger comes from people acting as though I don’t exist or they can treat me like whatever, and I can tell by the faces of those who screech down subway cars “YOU CAN’T SAY EXCUSE ME???” that their anger comes from a similar place. That and a little bit of crazy. But we’ve all got to do better.

To be honest, even before that incident, I was trying to get my anger together. I would let the actions of other people, even the simple comments, get under my skin and literally have an impact on at least half of my day. As my choir director would say, that’s giving more power to man than you do to God. So for some time now, I’ve found myself ignoring a lot of people, channeling my anger into my workouts, and learning to step back and evaluate what I’m getting ready to fuss about, instead of stepping out of my body and acting a fool. I’m still working with my anger issues, as its not something that goes away quickly, but this method has been working. If you have anger issues (not the type that you need to go to anger management for though, that’s a bit more serious) and find your self spazzing out to ensure people are treating you with respect, I would encourage you to do the same in order to calm down. Step back and ask yourself if what you’re peeved about is truly worth letting your day start off or end on a negative note and worth pulling away from your happiness. Chances are, it’s not, and it’s not worth it at all.

I’m a very nice and upfront person.  I don’t like to play those games of “I’m mad at you, and even if you guess why I’m mad at you I’m not going to tell you because you should already know.”  I feel like that type of behavior is garbage (and sorry for anyone who plays that game and you’re offended…).  But, I’m too much of a happy person to ever really get mad at people or stay mad for too long.  The problem that I have sometimes is that I assume that people are like me.  That if they’re mad, they’re going to either address it or find a way to deal with it.  However, some people just aren’t like that.

Let me take you back to my senior year of high school, when Nelly, Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins were blowing up all types of music charts and I had an unknown frenemy.  This girl, off and on, would act like she had a problem with me.  I would be nice, try to ignore it, think that I was being too sensitive, but when the craziness got too much, I would ask:  ”Hey, what’s wrong?  Are you mad at me?”  She would always tell me no, that [insert someone else's name] made her upset and she was just thinking about them and she didn’t realize that she was taking it out on me.  That’s why I didn’t realize she was a frenemey until after we both graduated high school and went off to our separate colleges.

Running into her the next summer after our freshman year, she was being extremely rude.  But, I’d forgotten about her foolishness, so her behavior wasn’t so easy for me to brush off this time.  Sending her an impassioned Facebook message I asked her what was wrong, why had she been so rude, what did I do and the so forth.  After a day she sent me back a message detailing incident after incident where I had made her upset and all I could think of (besides the fact that she had a LOT of misconceived information, but whatever) were all of the times that I approached her during those times, asked her if I did anything and she would adamantly say “No!  You didn’t do anything!  I swear!”

Because of that, I’ve become kind of paranoid with certain people.  Not really with my friends or coworkers, but the few people who, when I ask them “What’s wrong?”  and they say nothing, I immediately think:  ”LIAR!  They’re mad at me!”  Then my mind frantically starts searching for times that I might have offended/angered them.

You know the story of Narcissus, right?  Based off of a Greek myth, he was a young man that was so consumed with his own image that while mentally drinking in his reflection in a pool of water (because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet) he fell in and drowned.  Most Greek myths were written as cautionary tales to warn people of dastardly results from crazy actions, and his fatal actions are where we get the term narcissism.

In this day and age of digital narcissism, where we broadcast everything we do and expect people to care, has made people unintentionally narcissistic.  Now, I’m not knocking it.  I have a Twitter account, and it does sting a little when I notice I’ve lost a couple of followers. (Nothing that a nice cry in the shower won’t fix. Just kidding.) But because of these actions I feel as if our society has became just a little bit sensitive. Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves that it’s really not about us.

When someone seems crestfallen in our presence, they could be thinking about mortgage payments, crazy coworkers, or global warming (people are still worried about that, right?) instead of thinking about us.

Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes we are the problem (and I had a Facebook message to prove it), but not everyone is as crazy as *Melissa was (*name changed).  If you did do something wrong, then do your own version of damage control, but if they tell you you didn’t, don’t obsess about trying to figure out what you did.  That’s a deep pool that you’re wading in, and if you’re not careful you can end up drowning.

Swim away from your narcissistic fears and to Kendra Koger’s twitter account @kkoger.

More on Madame Noire!

• Is Ryan Gosling Singing Jodeci!? 9 White Celebrities And Their “Blackest” Moments
• Handle That For Me! Why I Want Him To Plan The Dates
• You Already Know Black Don’t Crack:15 Female Celebs Who Are Over 40 But Don’t Look It
• Where Are They Now? The Women of “Real Chance of Love”
• Are You A Rebound Queen? How To Tell If You’re Moving Too Fast…
• An Open Letter to My Single Sistas: Stop Searching For Him
• Ways to Wear Wine: Fall’s Hue Du Jour

As women, we have a lot on our shoulders. We bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, take care of children, parents, siblings, sometimes without the help of a partner. As wages fall, costs rise, and relationships fail, bitterness can creep into our lives. Sometimes we take out these frustrations on customers, loved ones, strangers and small animals when the real problem lies within. Lashing out with a negative attitude is not an effective way of dealing with stress. Putting negative energy out always draws more negativity into our lives. Unfortunately, we can be so wrapped up in our own resentment that we don’t realize how unpleasant our attitude has become. Here are the signs that you have a stank attitude and some suggestions on how change it.

Has anyone ever told you that you are sensitive? Didn’t it hurt your feelings!? Yeah, that’s probably because you actually are sensitive boo…There’s no shame in that though. I’m a bit sensitive myself from time to time, but as long as you recognize that you are and put yourself in check when you need to, you should be all good. But that’s where the issue comes in. Most people who take things too personally won’t acknowledge the fact that they are indeed sensitive. So to help those folks out, aka you, here are a few signs you should be on the lookout for so you can come to terms with your sensitivity.

(CNN) — President Barack Obama bluntly defended his administration’s response to the undersea gusher fouling the Gulf of Mexico on Monday, telling an interviewer he has met with experts to learn “whose A$$ to kick.” “I was down there a month ago, before most of these talking heads were even paying attention to the Gulf,” Obama told NBC’s “Today” show in an interview scheduled to air Tuesday. “A month ago I was meeting with fishermen down there, standing in the rain talking about what a potential crisis this could be.”

Read More…