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Subtract the recreational drug use and manic, extreme decision-making and I know what it is to find love in a hopeless place. I met someone in the least attractive of ways, all signs said “NO!” Every angel guarding me tried to pull me away, but I allowed “lonely” to lead me to him. I filled my days and nights with him. Great conversation and intense physical attraction. Nothing but us. He adored everything about me, or so he said. How could something so wrong, feel so amazing? I was flying high, with a small storm cloud looming in the distance. But hey, it was in the distance so I willed myself not to worry about it right now.

He feigned interest in my faith and my concern for my health, but tried to feed me propaganda excluding the God I believe in and tried to push me into getting on birth control so he wouldn’t have to use a condom. Condoms “don’t be hittin’ right” as he so eloquently put it. He said he loved me just the way I was, but I noticed a pattern of the smallest, negative jabs he would throw whenever I refused to give in to his opinion on any given topic. “You’re stuck up,” “You probably wouldn’t support your husband,” “I misjudged how fragile your feelings are.” He found ways to belittle me whenever I stood up for myself and in my silly attempt to not seem so ‘fragile’ I just took it.

It was a constant tug-of-war. Was I going to make bad decision after bad decision, disfiguring my self-esteem and worth just to keep him in my life? Or was I going to lay my armor down and walk away? I had never had a man so blatantly play such mind games, disregarding my values and vulnerability in all my years of dating. I had walked away from him before so surely I could do it again and this time for good.

What many of us fail to realize in these sideways relationships is that it very rarely gets better. He told me once that just because he may have felt badly about the way he treated women in the past, it didn’t mean it changed his behavior for the better. That woke me up. A light bulb turned on and kept me awake. If he arrogantly acknowledged that he has been horrible to women in relationships but his behavior hasn’t/won’t changed, then what the HELL was I still doing there? Where did I lose my mind in thinking I needed this guy? I had enough. I told him exactly what I thought of him and where he could go. I took back what I never should have given away in the first place. The war was over. He could keep texting, telling me how wrong I was and how I had given up on us. He could keep trying to engage, but you can’t fight someone who steps out of the ring. He wasn’t worth it.

It’s easy to get caught up if you allow a moment of “lonely” to overwhelm you. You start fighting for something that never even proved its value to you. I used to judge women who kept sticking around the same manipulative, no good men. That is until I looked up and realized that I had become one of them.

We fail ourselves by confusing the fool’s gold shimmer of lust and a good time for something real. We find ourselves battling to keep our footing with a manipulator because they always come in an attractive package. And even though everything within us is screaming “DANGER!” we still step forward like moths to a flame, thinking that maybe this time will be different. What we must understand – man or woman – is that WE must hold ourselves in higher regard than to willingly become guinea pigs, testing to see if a cheater, liar, and manipulator has changed. If we can’t clearly see the change before we get involved, it has not happened and we are foolish to believe otherwise. Love doesn’t break down, it builds up. It restores. It heals.

He only went as far as I allowed him to go in my lapse of good sense. I can recognize, adjust and move forward now. I only fight when it’s worth it and the war is over.

We’ve all been there…felt like we couldn’t live without a person in our lives but then realize that all that passion dissipates once the make-out session is over. It’s a blurry line between love and lust people! Do you know the difference at this point? Per our usual, Madame Noire and Veronica Wells took to the streets of Manhattan to find out from everyday people if they’ve ever confused lust for love.

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Source: theroot.com

From yourtango.com

By Dr. Tina Tessina

In my counseling practice, I see a lot of couples who don’t make it, usually because they’re not prepared, and their expectations are out of line with reality. However, there are various reasons why these unions don’t succeed.

Cupid, the god who represented love to the ancient Romans, was blind. In mythology, he’s been represented as a cherub; a perpetual baby, (which means someone without wisdom or judgement) who flies around zapping people with his arrows, throwing them helplessly into infatuation with whomever they happen to be with when the arrow strikes. This is a great metaphor for the sensation of “falling in love” instantly, otherwise known as limerance, lust, or “blind love.”

Unfortunately, lust doesnt last forever, and love isn’t blind forever. I’ve created a basic outline of some important ideas to help others begin their relationships on the right foot. Because I see so much of the damage caused by people while they’re blindly connecting, rushing through the stages of commitment and not creating the solid foundation a true relationship needs, I always welcome the chance to do pre-commitment counseling.

My job is to ask the tough questions that, in the excitement of a new romance, the couple may not have considered.

Look at the seven questions every couple should consider before moving in together or making joint financial commitments at your tango.com

More on Madame Noire!

• Primping Ain’t Easy: Who Said Maintaining Biracial Hair Was Simple?
• Ask a Very Smart Brotha: What Should I Do About My Man’s Crazy Ex?
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• You Could’ve Kept That: 9 Movie Remakes and Sequels That Shouldn’t Have Seen the Light of Day
• Don’t Be His Fool, or His Doormat: Excuses Women Need to Stop Making For Men
• Loud Cheers, No Arrests & Cultural Celebration: The Need for Black Graduation Ceremonies
• Don’t Be Desperate, Oprah: 5 Television Programs That Could Save OWN

stimulationstatus.onsugar.com

“I love you”, “I am falling in love with you”, “and I have fallen in love with you”.  These are all phrases many of us have heard, and or have said to someone we were or are presently in relationships with. But how many of us really know what love is?  How do we know if we have fallen in love, or in lust? Do we know and understand the difference between the two? Many people often confuse love with lust because they don’t know what love is and what lust is. There are many definitions of both love and lust that have derived based on different experiences and emotions with relationships. Many people believe that love and lust are emotions that produce actions that lead to reactions, but what people fail to realize is that love and lust are not emotions.

Love is…Love is an action that is others centered.  It is giving to others without the expectancy of something in return.  It is setting aside your ego for fulfillment of your own needs, and being concerned with the needs of someone else. The selfless action of love is driven by meeting the needs of others.

Lust is…Lust is an action that is self-centered. It is giving to others with the expectancy of something in return. The action of lust is motivated by one’s ego-centered needs, be it physical, financial or mental, to be satisfied by someone else.

madamenoire.com

The weather is getting warmer, flowers are blooming and legs and pedicured toes are in full effect. It’s spring time, and people are coming out of hibernation feeling feisty and flirty. As temperatures rise, so does our sex drive, hardwired to react to seasonal changes. After being bundled up for a few months, it’s natural to want to go from cabin fever to spring fever.

Here are 6 ways spring time increases the heat in all of us!…

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There are different emotional and physiological components to both love and lust. Romantic attraction and feelings of love for someone elevates our dopamine and serotonin levels, which causes feelings of elation and loss of appetite. When we get to the point of feeling attachment and a more long-term phase of love, our bodies generate more oxytocin (known as the “hormone of love”).  Lust, on the other hand, is more dependent on sex drive and an appetite for sex.  It is generated by increased testosterone levels in both men and women. Heightened levels of testosterone inspire a feeling of focused attention and sexual arousal.  So what are you experiencing now; love or lust?  Check out these signs that you’re in lust, or if it’s really love.

packagematization. It is one of the most prevalent issues plaguing women today and it’s at its peak in the waning summer days when a woman realizes that her great new relationship is just a seasonal fling to Mr. Wonderful.  Have no fear! We’re here to help. Here are a few symptoms and cures for mild cases of fiending. (Note: Extreme fiending may require a vow of celibacy.)

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Man maintenance seems pretty simple: Keep his belly full, cater to his bedroom desires and stroke his ego, right? Yes, but there are also some unique ways to please him and keep yourself happy too. We polled a few good men — dating, married, single — to see what keeps them coming back for more.

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