All Articles Tagged "love"

Serious Question: Would You Call Your Man Daddy?

October 21st, 2014 - By Brande Victorian
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Call Your Man Daddy

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At any given time in a relationship, a woman might have upwards of three or four pet names for her man. We know the staples — boo, baby, and, unfortunately, bae for the ratchets — then there’s always that one random nickname whose meaning only the two of you really know. But what about calling your man daddy? Not the man who raised you and whom you’ve referred to as dad, daddy, or father since you uttered your first word. But the man you kiss, sleep with at night, and do other grown folks things with. Would you call him daddy? Do you?

This is a question that’s always been in the back of my mind and resurfaced again last week when Fantasia praised her rumored hubby on Instagram. While everyone was trying to figure out whether she and Kendall Taylor were really Mr. and Mrs., I was more caught up in Fanny writing “Daddy He Is…” I know good loving can make you say a lot of things (Hello Erica Campbell), but daddy’s never been one of those words to roll off my tongue even in the most playful of moments. And as I got to thinking about what it would take for me to call a man who’s not my daddy “daddy” (with a straight face mind you) I decided he’d have to be paying all my bills and completely taking care of me because that’s my view of a daddy. And since I’m not really on a hunt for someone to do those things for me, as I’ve been doing them for myself for some time now, I don’t foresee myself calling my intimate partner daddy ever in life — again with a straight face.

As we chatted about this topic in the office, other women shared that sentiment, as well as the opinion that considering they still have actual dads who they call daddy it would be weird, to say the least, to also use that same term for their husband. One co-worker even said she can’t stand the end of Beyonce’s song “Rocket” when she begins to moan “Daddy, daddy, oh child, yes lawd…” (you know how it goes) and has to change “daddy” to “baby” just to finish the track without being totally disgusted. I’m sure somewhere there’s a feminist lamenting over the patriarchal implications of calling your man daddy, but for me it’s not even that deep. A daddy, to me, is a specific parenting role that, hopefully, for most women has already been filled by the time they meet another man who will be their life-long partner and fulfill other duties. I’d rather not mince words — or roles.

If a man really is providing your every need, I imagine there is no bigger stroke to the male ego than calling him your big daddy. And since, like good food, ego-stroking is the way to a man’s heart, I imagine the practice does a relationship some good from the male perspective. I just know I couldn’t possibly take myself seriously — and I’m sure no man could either — if I came in the house after 10 hours at work talking about “Hey daddy, how was your day?” But as the saying goes, different (ego) strokes for different folks.

What do you think about calling your man daddy? Do you? If so, when do you use the pet name?

15 Lessons On Heartbreak From Celebrities Going Through It

October 17th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Dating can be rough. No one knows that better than these celebs who have been through the relationship wringer. And while they were busy grieving, griping and getting over it they shared these words of inspiration on Instagram for fans going through the same thing.

Keyshia Cole

Keyshia Cole’s very public divorce with Daniel Gibson has been rough. But after her rocky rebound with Cash Money CEO Birdman, Keyshia wants her fans to know that you don’t have to let heartbreak change who you are (even after an arrest).

How To Say “No” To A Proposal

October 10th, 2014 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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From Single Black Male 

We have all had to tell someone that we weren’t interested. Whether it be we weren’t interested in being in a relationship or being more than platonic friends. It’s a compromising position. To the majority of us who don’t want to intentionally hurt someone, we spend time trying to find the right words. It’s my thinking that women in particular have an issue with this.

For whatever reason I think that ladies try to save face as much as possible. When a guy  shows interest in her and she isn’t interested she begins to show “signs.” Women are always showing signs. Many guys don’t realize this til after the fact. When it’s all said and done  a woman might say “I tried to hint to you,” or “I tried to give you the signs.” and I know many guys who would react “why didn’t you just say so?” Which is a pretty valid question.

What I will say is that there are a lot of guys who make it hard for this to be possible. Quite frankly a lot of women think men can’t handle the truth. They feel this way because too many guys flap their gums after being turned down. You can’t win every time, that’s just the game. The most insecure figure that this is their license to come up with a predictable meme that shits on a woman that turned him down.  Of course as I was reminded this past weekend, there are males and there are men. And a man “gets it.” In every facet men “get it.” That  means that a man gets it if you’re not interested.

Read more about rejection at SingleBlackMale.org

The Pricier The Engagement Ring, The Shorter The Marriage: Study

October 8th, 2014 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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According to research conducted by Emory University, couples who spent more on engagement rings and weddings were more likely to divorce than those who opted for less expensive options.

In a survey conducted on 3,000 married folks, researchers found that men who spent between $500 and $2,000 on an engagement ring were 1.3 times less likely to wind up divorced than those who spent $2,000 to $4,000. The same study revealed that women whose wedding costs exceeded $20,000 were 3.5 times more likely to end up divorced than those who spent $5,000 to $10,000.

Interestingly, the study went on to reveal that skimming when it comes to purchasing an engagement ring also decreased the chances of a couple living happily ever after. Men who shelled out less than $500 on engagement rings also experienced higher divorce rates. Couples who spent less than $1,000 on their weddings decreased the chances of divorce.  Though bigger guest lists generally equate to a pricier wedding ceremony, the study also found that having more weddings guests led to longer marriages.

Coordinators of the study believe that the link between divorce rates and costly weddings and engagement rings had to do with brides and grooms wanting to create the perfect wedding day—even if they aren’t in the position to afford the costs. As for what’s pushing couples to place this unnecessary pressure on themselves, researchers are blaming the bridal industry.

“In 1959, Bride’s recommended that couples set aside two months to prepare for their wedding and published a checklist with 22 tasks for them to complete. By the 1990s, the magazine recommended 12 months of wedding preparation and published a checklist with 44 tasks to complete.”

Researchers also point out that there’s not much evidence that supports the wedding industry’s underlying message that extravagant ceremonies equate to positive marital outcomes.

“The wedding industry has consistently sought to link wedding spending with long-lasting marriages,” Emory University economic professors Andrew M. Francis and Hugo M. Mialon wrote.

According to The Knot, the average wedding costs about $30,000. Things that make you go hmmm…

Should Pregnancies Always Be Celebrated?

October 3rd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male 

It can be touchy especially in where this post will go today. It can be easily thought to be judgmental by some but I promise you nothing of the sorts. I have a story and I have some questions and with that I’m looking forward to some great discussion SBM.

I walked into Popeye’s this past Sunday ( I love it there) and I saw one of the cashiers there that I see from time to time. She looks to be younger than me and on this day she’s looking extra aggravated and stressed. Come to think of it, she always looks pretty unhappy. I knew she was expecting, but it had been a while since I saw her. So when I finally did she really had started showing even more. I thought to myself, I really don’t think she envisioned things happening this way for her. Of course that’s me putting words in her mouth. But I’m not really sure what woman would script their life that way. The last thing I think she would want would be having to be on her feet all day with a growing body inside of her. That would aggravate anyone.

I began to think to myself that as much as we look for people to make their own responsible decisions, maybe it isn’t their fault. I’m from East Flatbush Brooklyn, NY. I’ve seen more than my fair share of unexpected pregnancies. As I’ve gotten older I’ve thought more that what other women and men have seen around them has influenced them more than we admit. There’s a cycle that has yet to be broken where people who don’t seem to have complete control over their own life begin to give life to another. This creates sometimes an unhealthy situation for the mother and the child.

What further inspired me to write on this subject today is that I work in social services.

I work with impoverished people daily. I learn of their life  in the most intimate of ways; more ways than I care to get into. And it is in this field where this sick pattern continues to run rampant. People having three,four, and  five children and not being employed is an issue. The title of this post was inspired by this. I would love to be happy about every pregnancy I see. But when you know a child is coming into a less than flattering situation it’s sad. There’s really no other way to describe it.

Read more about SingleBlackMale.org

Lessons in Love: How My 89-Year-Old Grandma Taught Me To Enjoy Being Single

September 27th, 2014 - By Courtney Whitaker
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From Yourtango

By: Michelle Toglia

“Never marry for anything other than love,” Nana said to me from across the dinner table on one of our Sunday date nights. We clinked wine glasses.

Of course, I thought. She knows me. I would never marry for money.

But what my 89-year-old grandma meant was never marry because of pressure. Never marry because it seems like “next thing to do” when you’ve been dating for a while. Never marry because your younger sister is already married. Never marry because you’re 30-something and everyone’s asking why you’re still single.

Nana got divorced when she had three kids. When it wasn’t common, or acceptable even. But she also got married when she wasn’t ready.

That was the ’50s, but are things really that different now? Sure, divorce is more common and accepted these days but what about marriage expectations? I’ve seen couples get married because they want to. But I’ve also seen people tie the knot because they’ve been dating for years and come on, where is that ring already?!, because of ultimatums, because they’re going through the motions.

Nana constantly tells me I have all the time in the world. And even as I see friends, who are ready for it, get engaged, I don’t really feel rushed. I’m genuinely happy for them. This is right for them in their lives right now, not mine.

Sometimes as I go on dates, I think I’m being too picky or not giving people a chance. But I don’t want to date just to date. I’m all for meeting new people, but this isn’t like I’m unemployed, on the job hunt and going to latch onto the first company that likes my resume. If I’m going to be in a relationship it’s because of the person.

And as I sit across from Nana while we wait for our gnocchi, I remember there’s nothing worse than being in the relationship that doesn’t feel right. Feeling suffocated. Feeling like you’re wasting your time. Feeling like you’re on different pages. Feeling stuck.

For the rest of the article, click here.

Remaining Committed To My Husband Made Me Depressed

September 26th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Dr Karen Finn, From YourTango

The groundwork for my divorce was laid before I ever got married.

I turned 19-years old a month before I met the man I would marry just 10 months later. Back then, I used to love to go out to clubs to dance and have a couple of drinks with my friends (the drinking age was 19 where I lived). But, my boyfriend did not drink. He also didn’t dance. So I gave them both up. They seemed like little things to forfeit at the time. And yet this was exactly when I started laying the groundwork for my divorce.

I was raised in a family that would drop a well placed expletive when we were frustrated or excited. “Sh*t” is a rather multi-purpose word it turns out. But, my boyfriend did not curse. So I gave up that way of expressing myself. At the time, it seemed like just a little thing.

A couple of months before our wedding, I suddenly had a deep knowing that I shouldn’t marry this man. (And this was not pre-wedding jitters.) But, you know what? I talked myself out of that deep knowing. In my 19-year-old brain, I rationalized that I had to marry him no matter what my inner wisdom said because I’d given him my word that I would. I reasoned that keeping my word was the most important thing I could do. I believed that ignoring my innate knowing was just a little thing to sacrifice in order to keep my word.

After we were married, I continued to make a long string of small changes that denied who I was. I justified each of these as being just another little thing (the compromises of partnership perhaps). The problem was that all of these little changes added up to a very large hole. And in that cavernous space, I could hear the echo growing ever louder of my inner voice telling me: this marriage wasn’t right for me. The marriage was slowly but steadily chipping away at me. But I had given my word, so I just kept going. After all, we were fairly well off, almost never argued and I was able to pursue my education. I would eventually graduate with my Ph.D., land a plum job, and teach a class at a major university as an adjunct professor. Life was looking pretty “fine”, wasn’t it?

Then, after 5 years of living this way, out of the blue, I started having panic attacks. Amazingly, at the time, I didn’t understand the fear underlying my panic. Now, of course, I can look back and see the real me sounding the alarm, scared that she was going to die.

But I didn’t even let the panic attacks stop me. No, sir! I had given my word “until death do us part” so I continued to stuff my rising fear (along with just about every other emotion I had) and began pasting a smile on my face every day. This was my new strategy. Fake it ’til ya make it.

Despite the ridiculous forces smile on my face and my outward efforts to hold my life together, my body started to fall apart inside (those repressed emotions take their toll) and catastrophe started to assault my world over and over. In a span of just 4 years, I developed TMJ so severe I was unable to open my mouth more than a few millimeters for months and months. I was in so much pain that I could barely speak, chew, or open my eyes. I spent months on a liquid diet and ground my way through at least 2 “non-destructible” bite guards while I slept.

After I started to recover, I was then in a car accident that compressed my spine and made it difficult for me to sit for more than a few minutes at a time. I had meetings at work where I was laying on the floor with my feet up in a chair. It looked weird, but I could be productive. I was that determined to make everything work and convince the world that my life was “fine”.

Next, our beloved dog died of bladder cancer. Then, I had a miscarriage. But I was left alone in my tremendous grief because to my husband, everything was fine, he didn’t want kids any way. The next year, just 10 days before Christmas, my sister died unexpectedly. She was only 32 and I was inconsolable. But again, I was alone in my grief.

Read more about this marriage at YourTango.com

How To Battle Insecurities In Relationships

September 26th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male

When you find the one you feel like you’ve been waiting for all your life, it’s not surprising that you’d want to hold on tight. Your relationship is something that should be cherished, and you’re likely wary of anything that could harm it or take it away from you. But sometimes, the person in the relationship can be so concerned with keeping the relationship, that they actually begin harming it.

It can also be difficult to stay positive about finding love amid reports about how often people commit infidelity. Just recently, AdamEve.com shared survey results indicating that one in every three people admit to cheating in relationships. So, again, how does one stay positive here? But then there’s also this question: At what point do normal insecurities become too much?

Everyone occasionally has jealously flare up or pangs of doubt, but there are ways you can help deal with these emotions instead of letting them impede on your relationship.

Talk About It
It’s important to have self-reflective conversations with yourself before talking with your partner in order to learn how to better manage your emotions and thoughts. The next time you feel your insecurities creeping up, first ask yourself why you’re feeling this way. Has your partner done anything to cause this? Is this feeling counterintuitive to the state of your relationship?
If you still find a specific issue nagging at you, calmly bring the issue up with your partner. Dr. Jeanne Segal contributed to an article on HelpGuide.org, which stated that the most important aspect to positive communication with your partner is being able to listen. When sitting down and discussing your concerns, you have to be open and receptive to what your partner is saying. Challenging what they’re saying as untrue will hinder the conversation, rather than lead to a positive conclusion. And remember, your partner has nothing to gain from lying to you about their commitment. They are with you because they want to be—no one is forcing them.
Learning to Trust
One of the most important aspects of a relationship is trust. If you can trust your partner, then their words of reassurance should be enough to put your mind at ease. If you still find the issue in the forefront of your mind, it could be because you’re not as confident in their sincerity. But if they haven’t given you any reason to doubt them, it’s a good idea to reaffirm whether or not your concern could be due to your own insecurities.
Do you trust your partner in every other way besides how they feel about you and your relationship? If so, it’s likely that you’re just experiencing some self-doubt. If you feel you can’t trust them in other aspects, there could be deeper issues that you both need to discuss.

Read more about insecurities at SingleBlackMale.org 

Bruh! My Open Letter To Homie Who Tried To Sleep With My Girlfriend

September 23rd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Michael Hollan, From YourTango
Recently, I brought my girlfriend to a party. I had some friends there who hadn’t met her yet, so I was excited to introduce them to her. All in all, it was a fun party and everything went well.

A few days after the party, one of my friends who had just met my girlfriend sent her a message on Facebook. He wanted to know if she wanted to go out with him sometime. She never responded to him, and I was understandably upset with him about this. I felt like I was pretty clear about our relationship status when I introduced her as “my girlfriend.” I feel like I used pretty obvious language there, right?

The next time I saw this guy around, when I wasn’t acting like I was happy to see him, he pulled me aside and asked me if something was up and if I was mad at him about something.

This is an open letter to him in response to the situation:

Hello, creep.

Yes. Of course I’m mad at you. Don’t ask me if something is up. You know what happened. You sent my girlfriend a message on Facebook, and instead of beginning a secret affair with you or dumping me, she never responded. Now I’m acting like I’m mad at you. Do you really need to figure this out? Why are you acting surprised?

OK, this may sound weird, but I don’t think we’re friends anymore. Right? I mean, you tried to sleep with my girlfriend, so I don’t think this is a weird reaction on my part. You shouldn’t be surprised.

I don’t hold it against you for being attracted to her. I feel the same way. She’s super funny, likes video games, is a great baker, and has perfect teeth and a great butt. So that part’s cool. But you can’t sleep with her, not while she’s still dating me. You’re also not allowed to sleep with me either. It’s a strict rule, but at least it’s fair.

I guess I’m really just upset that you went behind my back. You didn’t even attempt to include me in the conversation. Look, it would’ve been super awkward if you had sent a group message that included all three of us together, asking my girlfriend out. I would’ve been creeped out, but I would’ve also respected it. That’s what friends do.

It’s a new world. Open relationships are a thing. Some people don’t care about that sort of thing. I may not be one of them, but I’m not going to judge people that do. There are some couples out there that would say yes to the whole thing. We’re not one of those couples, but I wouldn’t have held it against you for checking. In fact, I would’ve thanked you. That’s what a good friend would do. A weird friend, but still a good friend.

Read more about this relationship at YourTango.com

Bag Lady: How Much Emotional Baggage Can You Handle?

September 20th, 2014 - By Courtney Whitaker
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From Your Tango

By: Christine Baumgartner

 “I don’t want to date anyone who has baggage” is a refrain I hear often. This love seeker’s lament is typically referring to emotional issues, someone having children, financial problems, or physical and spiritual hang-ups. Even though I understand the desire to avoid a potential partner who brings nothing but drama, when clients approach me pining for a free-of-baggage love connection, I have to reply honestly and say, “Sorry, that’s impossible.”

If you’re over the age of 10, you’ve already started accumulating at least some emotional baggage. The older you get, the more baggage you acquire as a result of things that happen to you from your family, school, relationships, career, (basically, from life) — the possibilities are endless.

Where does emotional baggage come from?
When we experience an unpleasant or uncomfortable situation in our lives, we stuff it down. We save it to deal with later. We tell ourselves that it really doesn’t matter that much or it’s too big to face right now. That stuffed down “stuff” becomes emotional baggage.

When I divorced and started dating again, I definitely noticed the huge amounts of baggage everyone else had. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I eventually discovered that my focus on their baggage, faults, and imperfections was a result of my own inner beliefs (otherwise known as: my own baggage). For example, I used to think: Though all men make money, most never seem to actually have any money. I know how to be with men like this and these are the only type of men I deserve. And sure enough, in my dating life, all of the men I attracted were employed but never actually had any money.

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