All Articles Tagged "love"
This past weekend, we celebrated our friend and senior editor Victoria Uwumarogie—now Oluloye’s wedding. My sister planned the event but the day before and the day of, she needed quite a bit of help decorating and setting up the reception space etc. Thankfully, my mother put together a task force to do so. And since my family is ride or die, my aunt, uncle and little cousin came to Chicago to help my sister with the event space. My uncle was an incredible help. We needed to string several lights from the ceiling and the day before, my sister and I couldn’t quite figure out how to do so. My uncle came through and knew how to secure everything perfectly. And the lights went and stayed up all night. But it was a process.
And in the middle of it, one of the lightbulbs broke. As I was helping to get the broken shards of glass off the table, and floor, my dear uncle said, “You know Veronica, T is such a nice young man.” T is my boyfriend, who my uncle met for the first time last Christmas, who was also helping us with the reception space. I smiled at the compliment because it was true and also because I remembered that my uncle, I would learn years later, was one of the few people who recognized that the last “prospect” he met, wasn’t the best fit for me.
“Yeah, he really is.”
“I’m so happy for you.”
I nodded, still smiling. I’m happy for me too.
My smile faded with his next sentence though. “You know, you’ve worked so hard and now it’s time for you to really start enjoying your life.”
In my silence, he repeated himself. “You’ve worked so hard, it’s time for you to enjoy life.”
Perhaps, I could have ignored it the first time. But the second, I just couldn’t. It really didn’t sit right with my spirit.
“Well, I’ve been enjoying my life.”
“Right, but you know what I mean. You know what your mother and I mean.”
To be fair, while my mother likes my current boyfriend and wants me to be married too, (more so for grandchildren than anything else), she has never suggested that a boyfriend or husband, even T, as beautiful a person as he is, would make me happy. And I’m so grateful that I’ve never felt that type of pressure or heard that type of messaging from either one of my parents.
Now, I knew and know my uncle meant no harm by his words. He was simply expressing his well wishes and even complimenting me on my accomplishments. But he’s not the only one under the false assumption that a romantic partner, a man, can make someone happy. And while my boyfriend has contributed immensely to my happiness; being that I’ve been single and alone more often than not, it was I who made a conscious and determined effort to make sure I cultivated my own happiness. I had to. Otherwise, spending roughly 27 out of 29 years of my life without an official boyfriend, would have been miserable and I likely would have lost my mind, literally. Happiness is an inside job. And I think people, particularly women, really do themselves and their partners a disservice, expecting another person to come into your life and do a job only you and God can do. It’s problematic and unrealistic to hold someone else responsible for your happiness? In fact, there’s a meme for that.
I went back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to write about this. I don’t want to portray my uncle as the bad guy because he’s not. My decision to write it though came from the fact that I think about this type of thing, romantic relationships and the prioritization of them over ourselves as individuals quite a bit. I think far too many women, myself included at one point, go into romantic relationships, “just happy to be here.” Happy that someone deemed us worthy of their love. Perhaps we should step into relationships believing that not only are we worthy of love, we are already loved. We should be grateful that the person we decide to be with, who decides to be with us, can recognize that fact. Being with someone who recognizes your worth is certainly cause for celebration. That’s a good reason to be happy. But recognizing your own worth and fostering happiness independently allows you not only to reject and dismiss the people who don’t contribute to your happiness, it allows you to appreciate their contributions even more when they come.
Another day, another need for someone to give bizarre dating advice so attaining love feels even more elusive.
Journalist Anna Davis wrote an article for The New York Post explaining why sharing your real name on a first date was so five minutes ago. Her reasoning? Ask Rachel Charlupski. The aforementioned subject was getting ready for a first date when she became bombarded with text messages from a potential love interest. “‘Hey! I’m sure you’re super busy with work and you sound really successful. Are you sure you had meant to match with me?’ the message read as the man continued to cite specifics about the 31-year-old Chelsea resident’s career — including her recent mention in a Forbes article — making it clear that he had Googled his potential match,” Davis wrote.
Rachel responded the best way any millennial could: she blocked her match and vowed from that day forward to never give a date her real name. “Everyone Googles everyone. I do it, so I know [guys do] it,” Charlupski told Davis, but the reason why she blocked her matched after he researched her is because she hates talking about her high-profile childcare business in social settings. “I love my job, but I hate talking about it in a social setting. And whenever a man knows what I do, and the fact that my clientele includes VIP athletes, that’s all he wants to discuss,” she revealed. Charlupski continued to share that she gives barely any information about herself until she feels she and her match(es) are compatible. But Charlupski isn’t alone in this new dating trend, Sandra LaMorgese, a holistic practitioner who moonlights as a dominatrix told The New York Post that she’s even slept with dates before sharing her real name. Her reasoning: “I like hiking and yoga; people describe me as vanilla. But as soon as a man realizes I’m a dominatrix, the conversation is all sex, all the time. I want him to get to know the other parts of me.”
Dr. Dion Metzger, author of The Modern Trophy Wife, told Davis that lying to protect one’s identity is becoming more common and even a smart move because researching people is the new norm in the digital age. And some like Blogger Melani Robinson believe that Google searching a date is a breach of trust. “I’ve written about getting a bikini wax, but that’s never something I’d bring up to someone I just met. But when someone reads it before they meet me, they assume that’s first date conversation,” Robinson told The Post.
I understand why someone like Sandra only gives her nickname to dates because of her moonlighting profession. I, too, would be annoyed if someone only wanted to talk about sex on a first date. However, I doubt I would spend the entire evening with a first date if all he wanted to talk about was “what that mouth do.” As for Charlupski and Robinson, they both seem to feel more important than they really are.
Instead of the immature move of blocking her match who revealed that he Google searched her, Rachel could have responded with a witty remark on why she swiped right on the bachelor— same goes for Robinson. If someone actually wants to discuss how you remove unwanted hair at the dinner table you have two options: change the direction of the conversation or kindly excuse yourself.
When I asked my co-workers how they felt about giving fake names on a first date, one shared that she would never do it and if someone decided to follow this new trend, she would think they have something severe to hide like a criminal record, wife or children.
Another’s concern was the upkeep of the lie. For example, if someone calls your cell phone you would have to explain why the name on the voicemail doesn’t match the name you gave and you would have to avoid discussing personal achievements which really helps you impress and connect with a mate.
Honestly, I feel like this new trend and so many others give people a reason to lie and play games at the beginning of a relationship. This continues the perception that dating is so hard when it really doesn’t have to be. To quote the ancient African-American proverb: It ain’t that deep.
By Tanvier Peart
New moms, we can all relate to the anxiousness and hesitancy that comes with getting your groove back after you’ve had a baby. I remember it well…It was way too long since I could get my swerve on since becoming a mom and after one more week of waiting, and I was about to finally hit the six week mark. While I understand the standard “no sex” hiatus we have to take after having a baby, six weeks feels like…six weeks. Forget the frustrations my husband had been experiencing–I too had not been able to dip my toe into the pleasure department. He was counting his stars that I had been taking care of him, but dang it, what about my needs? Well, when the time finally came (no pun intended!) and boy was I ready to roll down the blinds and turn things up. But rather than jump into it, I thought it would be more memorable to change things up and add some spice to the usual routine.
Here are some postpartum ideas you can use to rekindle the romance after baby.
Playing games – Our kids might have Toys R’ Us but grown folks need their board games and toys to keep things spicy, too. If you are unable to leave your house but can steal some alone time consider playing a game with your partner. This Fifty Days of Play, for example, will take you on an adventure with a happy ending.
Escape to a hotel – Drop the kids off with a grandparent or trusted family member/friend so you can get away to a nearby hotel. Even if it’s for a night just being in a space outside of your home will have you more relaxed and hopefully, sexual.
Schedule a daytime touch and tickle – So you might be feeling overwhelmed and like you just don’t have time to rekindle your romance, which is exactly why you need to think outside the box. If both you and your love have day jobs, then schedule to meet up during lunch. Hopefully you have an hour or are able to work extra for more time so you can meet at a nearby hotel (sounds seedy, but is really fun) for loving, or go out to eat somewhere nice. It doesn’t matter what you do so long as you do it together.
Happy hour role play – Once you have clocked out of work, connect with your guy at a nearby happy hour. Rather than approach him like normal, pretend you are meeting for the first time with a little role play. The more into it you are the more fun you will have – and feel free to use props like wigs.
Learn new tricks – I am all for expanding my knowledge-base when it comes to keeping things hot in my marriage. Try learning new tricks like pole dancing, sultry movement classes or whatever else you can think of to turn things up at home. Sure your guy will appreciate the final result, but you will have a ball picking up a new skill.
A Cosmopolitan reader saw the highest form of disrespect at a wedding recently and decided to write to advice columnist Logan Hill about what she should do.
“My boyfriend and I went to our good friend’s wedding about two weeks ago. At the reception, at about the time when everyone starts loading up on free cocktails, my boyfriend and I saw a few things that didn’t sit right with me. The groom, we’ll call him Jeff, was standing and talking to some family members near the bar. A girl, we’ll call her Britney, came up to Jeff from behind and placed her arm around his waist, letting it fall across his butt and cup his butt cheek. Britney straight up held her hand on his a– for way too long, and it was not a friendly butt-grabbing,” the Cosmo reader wrote. After witnessing the butt grab, the reader’s boyfriend explained that Britney was Jeff’s ex who’s still in love with him and upset that he married someone else.
Throughout the night, the reader said she observed Britney hugging the Groom from the behind and behaving as though she was the Bride. The reader explained: “We continued to see Britney grab at Jeff throughout the night, clearly in a way that screams she wants him. I am decent friends with the bride, but I don’t know if we’re close enough that I would feel comfortable telling her what I saw and risk upsetting her. It’s very clear that she doesn’t like Britney — we didn’t see them speak once the entire night. Who would want their boyfriend’s ex at their wedding anyway? My boyfriend said he would talk to Jeff about it. I know the bride would be upset, but I think she has a right to know.”
Personally, I think the Bride has the right to know as well. However, columnist Logan Hill says otherwise. In a very interesting response, Hill told the Cosmo reader that the Groom probably didn’t want to make a scene and that’s why he allowed another woman who’s not his wife, hug and grope him. “In the worst-case scenario, there’s something shady going on between the two of them, which your boyfriend will be able to suss out better than you. But remember that the groom didn’t seem react in any way. I think it’s more likely that the groom was annoyed by his ex and didn’t want to make a scene—and let her steal any of the shine from his big day with his bride,” he said.
I barely believe in the “there’s a time and place for everything” type of tact, especially in this scenario. The Groom not only disrespected his wife but also his marriage on the same day he vowed his life to her. Let’s call a thing, a thing; the Groom wanted this sort of attention from his ex because he invited her to his wedding and never reprimanded her flirtation towards him. I would say that the Cosmo reader should tell the Bride — although telling someone their spouse is behaving inappropriately is like playing with a double-edged sword. Some people appreciate the information while others will make you public enemy number one for revealing that their marriage doesn’t live up to the fantasy they’ve created.
Either way, Columnist Hill receives a major side-eye for believing the Groom “just brushed off his ex.” Instead, he co-signed her lack of boundaries with silence.
Read the full story, here and tell us how you would respond to this trife situation.
Raise your hand if you’ve accidentally fallen for the wrong man. Plenty of us have been involved with guys who said they were good men, but really, just pretended to be. And while there are some good catches out there, sometimes certain “good” men just aren’t good for you.
Thankfully, some red flags are easy to spot in the beginning if you know where to look. One good way to find them? Put a man through a few tests before you decide to let your guard down and let him in.
These are the signs I would recommend looking out for when meeting someone new. Do you have your own quizzes to put him through before you call him your boo? Share them with us in the comment section so we can all put our antennas up before we get in too deep.
The Shoe Test
Long before the first date, check out a man’s shoes to find out what you need to know about the way he carries himself.
Heartbreak is arguably one of the worst feelings one can experience. After the emotional turbulence, I reflect on how I ended up alone again after having such high hopes. Did I ignore any red flags? Was I too eager? After being ditched one too many times I had to take a deep look at myself and ask, “Am I causing this?” I’m not saying the men who have devastated me are innocent, but I have realized that I have bad habits that continuously lead me to checking in to heartbreak hotel. Being heartbroken can be crippling, but it can also be enlightening. Here are five things I have learned when I was let down while looking for love.
Don’t fall in love with potential
The person you first meet will not be the person you fall in love with. Underneath the charm, good looks and exciting conversation there could be a creep. After getting my heart crushed too many times I’ve learned to take things day by day when dating because you never truly know who you are dealing with in the beginning. I would notice signs that I was dealing with a douche but I wanted to still give him a chance because of the redeeming qualities and well, the potential. Potential isn’t all that telling when it comes to a person’s level of integrity and character.
The importance of closure
The last guy that broke my heart left me hanging. No goodbye, no reason, nothing. Not knowing why the person I spoke to everyday disappeared on me put me on an emotional rollercoaster. I wondered if something happened to him, if I did something hurtful and was not aware or if I had just gotten played yet again. I didn’t want to believe the latter, because why would he hurt me after I told him what I been through? After I contacted him from another number two months later, I finally got my answer, and also gave him an earful about the added emotional damage he caused. Having that closure helped me know to move on. I let go of the false hope that maybe he would re-emerge and we could start over. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear but it was what I needed.
Have no expectations
When you’re falling for someone you assume they’re falling for you too. That’s where the expectations kick-in. Expecting good morning texts, phone calls and dates every weekend got me in trouble and brought on loads of disappointment. That man doesn’t have to text you or even take you out. He’s not obligated to. Your communication with him does not have to be daily. People have lives, but people make time for what they want, especially men. If things are not official, then don’t expect anything from him.
Take It Slow
Having a strong connection with a potential beau can be exciting and lead to moving too fast. I sure did. No man can deny that I was caring and sweet, but now I know that I was giving men attention and time that they didn’t ask for or want. I was all in when they were still deciding whether they were taking me seriously. Now I know not to commit myself to a man until he asks for that commitment.
Let the man take charge
If that man wants you, he will pursue you. Looking too eager or dominating the courtship can push a man away. I would often initiate dates or even call when I wasn’t being called at all. Things cannot be one sided. Now I know to sit back and let the man show me that he wants to be around.
Black love is a thick phrase that comes loaded with imagery. You can envision brown people curled in embrace, limbs locked in unity. You can see a couple, heads bowed in prayer with shared hope. You can see wholehearted laughs and agile hips dancing during family reunions and weddings. You can see comfort and head wraps, line-ups, and loyalty — commitment baked into soul food.
Black love is “fight the power.” Black love is proud and gifted. Black love is music and a strong bass beat. Black love is a community covering.
Black love, in all its elegance and beauty, is defiant. A visual testimony of what it looks like to thrive when many pivotal moments in history were positioned against our prosperity. From the barbaric years of slavery to the modern-day incarceration pipeline, Black love is a protest against systematic separation.
Read more about these couple at HelloBeautiful.com
This past weekend, the hashtag #ForeverDuncan went viral. It brought many of us joy and had us crafting our own #relationshipgoals in our minds. As we previously reported, “on October 1, 2016, Alfred decided to do something special for Sherrell. Alfred, a Grammy and Emmy nominated artist, proposed to Sherrell, a fitness trainer and speaker, at noon and married her at 5 p.m. in National Harbor, Maryland.”
Because of Alfred’s lavish and grand gesture, we started thinking about all of the other couples whose love we love and who make us continuously believe in the power of it. Two is definitely better than one! Take a look at our favorite pictures of couples who’ve shared their story via social media. They are getting engaged, expecting a baby, tying the knot or just enjoying each other’s company and giving us serious #relationshipgoals. Love is a beautiful thing, ladies and gents.
Have you ever tried to cover for a bad relationship?
When it comes to love, most of us have found ourselves trying to make things work even when they clearly aren’t meant to. Sometimes the gamble pays off and we get through a rough patch without friends and family advising us to end something before it’s really over. Other times, we find ourselves faking the funk for longer than we should even when the love is gone.
We’re not saying that trying to cover for a relationship is always the way to go. We just want to know if you’ve ever found yourself in these situations. If you have, were you able to get over a rough patch and make things work, or did you just delay the inevitable?
You Went Out Anyway
Even though you’ve been fighting all night (like even after you rang the doorbell to your friend’s house and just before they opened the door).
Moving in together means getting to know each other very well. When you get on each other’s nerves, you can’t run away to cool off. Not to mention that all of the little quirks that were once cute can become a pain in the butt. No one will tell you these things about sharing space with your significant other ahead of time, but we thought they were important for you to know. The key to keeping things copacetic is keeping the following things in mind.
Keep the Bathroom Door Closed
We’ve all seen the adorable rom-com moment where he’s brushing his teeth and she pops in for a little tinkle.
That is not cute in real life.
The mystery is what keeps things sexy in the long run. Not everything that goes on behind closed doors is adorable to see. Unless you’re ready to answer “Babe, why did you close the door this time?” with “Waxing something personal,” it’s better to keep a closed-door policy from jump.