All Articles Tagged "love"

My Wife’s Depression Almost Ended Our Marriage

September 1st, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Cody Mullins, From YourTango

Everyone who’s ever been married knows that making a relationship last is hard. Two people get together and they try to build a life together, a life that often involves differences of opinion on living habits, money trouble, kids, and on and on and on it goes. Even something as simple as sharing a toothpaste tube can make enduring a long lasting relationship difficult. (Just ask my wife about the importance of squeezing from the bottom of the tube.) But throw depression into the mix and it transforms the level of marital difficulty from the this is pretty hard category into the oh shit, this is nearly impossible category.

My wife, Casey, and I have been married for 13 years. Just like most long-lasting relationships, our marriage has been hard and we’ve faced our share of difficulties and near-misses. Making it to our 13th anniversary (the unlucky 13th anniversary as my wife would say) wouldn’t have been possible had I not made efforts at trying to understand and deal with my wife’s severe depression.

The first time I experienced my wife’s depression (and helping someone through depression can really only be described as an “experience”) was a few weeks after we met. She came over to my apartment late at night and without much warning or reason, burst out into tears. She cried “ugly tears”, as we called them, with every bit of energy within her. I pulled my soon-to-be wife into my arms and we sat on the couch, while she sobbed until we both fell asleep.

At the time, I didn’t know what depression was.  I had no clue.  I was completely ignorant that depression was even a disease, a disease that could take complete control of someone’s mind and wreak havoc. I was of the mindset that a person could simply choose to be happy, and I assumed my wife, too, could choose to be happy if she wanted to – and yet, for some unexplainable reason, she was choosing to be sad.

Read more about this marriage at YourTango.com

 

How Women Make Themselves Unhappy In Relationships

August 29th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male 

Once a relationship begins, her apartment has never seen day without the Swiffer, and she is the only woman who not only is aware of “Steak and BJ” day, but celebrates it with the enthusiasm as a child on Christmas morning. On top of that, she is oh so easy doing. She has noticed that you never opened the car door for her and occasionally break plans–maybe after football/basketball/baseball/foosball season is over, she tells herself, you will become more attentive.

After a few trysts together, you wake up to see half her makeup smeared in the pillow, and a clip in weave track stuck to the sheets. You drag yourself into the kitchen with sleep in your eye hoping she can still at least appeal to your stomach, but she never actually learned how to use that waffle iron proudly displayed on the counter top. You really don’t mean to, but you furl your eyebrows and mumble something when you see half the woman he met standing in front of you, the other half of her face and hair still in bed, and first time, don’t smell bacon frying. Now, the rest of this scene plays out according to what type of woman you are dealing with: she may say “sorry” and in turn make you feel like a slave driver, or she may just begin making hot grits with an ominous grin.

Nothing remains constant, no one is who they say they are or who want to be at every given moment, any snide comment in that situation can read as judgment. However, please keep in mind that you are a complete a**hole–you may be victim of bamboozlement.

It would be irresponsible to make that statement without quickly touching upon the fact that women and girls are victims too. We have been taught by society and Mattel what it means to be the perfect woman. Even in this progressive era, many women still internalize varying ideologies of what we think men want. “The ideal woman…is perhaps so far above the reality of women’s lives that women themselves will continue to struggle and struggle but never attain it” concludes Jennifer Holt, author of “The Ideal Woman”. Consequently, before you have to opportunity tell her she’s desirable without having to be a Barbie/Nicki Minaj hybrid, she already is afraid you’ll find out she’s not.

Read more about relationship issues at SingleBlackMale.org 

How My Vibrator Ruined My Marriage

August 26th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By The Stir, From YourTango 

As someone who writes about sex and love for a living, I have heard a lot of advice on how to keep the passion alive over the years. One of the first things almost every sex expert will say is that you should continue to masturbate. It seems counter-intuitive, right?

If you are pleasing yourself, why would you need someone else? Au contraire, they say. In this case, it’s more about the feelings masturbation conjures. If you have a little pleasure, so they say, you will want more.

I say: It’s hooey.

Why? Because the fact is, when you satisfy yourself, you ARE satisfied. Full stop. This is a lesson I learned the hard way.

Nothing Wrong With It

Now, don’t get me wrong. Masturbation is a healthy activity for women. It teaches us how to find our own pleasure and ALL women should have a vibrator (or 10) in their nightstand. But, there’s also something to be said for the old adage: “good things come to those who wait.” And yes, that pun was intended. Times 1,000. Because they do.

I know this first hand (oh the puns, they are too easy!) as I gave up the use of my vibrator for a couple months and the results have been astounding. At first it happened by accident. We just became so insanely busy and I was never alone. The only times I even felt any sexual urges were when I was actually in the presence of my husband. So I started saving up my mojo.

Read this woman’s entire story on marriage and sex at YourTango.com 

What I Learned From My Boyfriend Sexually Humiliating Me

August 22nd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Carolyn Castiglia, From YourTango 

“You’ve gotta shave your as*hole if you want me to lick it.” It was one of the most absurd things I’d ever heard, and such a loaded statement! A guy I was dating just casually tossed that grenade out one afternoon after we’d finished “making love. His words exploded into the air next to my ears, and I was knocked off balance from the boom. Like a soldier under seige in a movie about war, time slowed for me and I went deaf while my vision blurred. In a cacophony of simultaneous thoughts colliding I tried to decode what I’d just heard. I have to shave my what? Why? Do people shave that? Is that a thing? Wait, and you want to do what to it now? Lick it? Why I am getting procedural preparation commands when this is the first time the idea of the procedure has been brought to the table? Am I even interested in this procedure? Why are YOU interested in this procedure? What the hell is happening here?! Fall back! FALL BACK!

I’m sure what I finally stammered out was, “Oh. Okay?” Because what do you say to that sort of thing? Especially when you’re not expecting it? This was after he told me that I should wax my virgin pubes and cajoled me into taking a shower with him by telling me, “Get your fat a*s in here,” and then smacked my wet butt. His domineering attitude had initially come across to me as sexy, but was slowly morphing into something toxic. I ended up playing the incident off by saying, “You know, I’m not sure if I’m ready to go there, but I’ll think about it.” (For the record: My salad remains untossed.)

 Until about the past 2 years or so, I haven’t been great at setting boundaries with people who are invasive. I grew up in an authoritarian household where I wasn’t allowed to assert myself, so I learned to accommodate abusive behavior. I replicated that dynamic in many relationships (as one does), and I thought a certain amount of swagger in a man was hot. Here’s the problem: it is. Even though I’m now really conscious of having healthy relationships with everyone in my life (family, friends, co-workers, and lovahs), there is no denying that a well-adjusted man who uses his machismo in the right ways at the right time is a major turn-on. But there’s a fine line between hot swagger and sexual humiliation. Keep him on the side that makes you feel good.


Continue reading this story on YourTango.com 

“Your Captions Be Deep, But You Shallow As A Puddle” Reasons Why Men Avoid Cuffing Season

August 22nd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male 

We are one weekend away from Labor Day. That’s right it’s all over. The fun that we had from Spring until now is ending. Soon the trees will change from green to brown. Galoshes will replace sandals. Boyfriend sweaters will replace summer dresses. And, rooftop rendezvouses will all but cease to exist. As the seasons change in the direction of cooler temperatures it comes to everyone’s attention that they should start thinking about who they will be hibernating with this winter. There may a small chance for a autumn tryst but that’s risky because that can still leave you lonely in the colder winter months.

Who am I kidding? Avoid getting cuffed at all costs! I’ve been saying this for years!

Although many people believe that Cuffing Season is a good thing, I’ve always thought it was the absolute worst thing that ever happens in dating. Everybody temporarily lowers their standards almost as though they have a relationship amnesty week and ends up shacking up with a person that they probably would never give the time of day otherwise. You waste anywhere from 3 to 6 months of someone’s precious time in a pseudo-relationship that really doesn’t exist because it’s only a cuffing* relationship.

* – That means that you are not really in a relationship. Do not expect to meet each other’s friends and family, do not expect a key, do not expect priority over existing plans, invitations to weddings, really great sex (you know the type that comes with a commitment that you’re going to stick around), and should either of you find another “cuff” that you want to join… there’s no penalty. Your relationship is basically a month-to-month lease.

Continue reading why you should avoid cuffing season at SingleBlackMale.org 

Break The Cycle: How To Stop Dating The Same Kind Of Man

August 21st, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Deborah Chelette-Wilson, From YourTango 

I grew up desperately seeking love, kindness and guidance from parents who were unable to meet my emotional needs. It is not pleasant to admit that, but it is true. It is also true that I transferred that desperate neediness as a young adult into relationships with men who couldn’t meet my emotional needs either. I’ve often said, “Men have been a big disappointment to me.” That is true too. After not being able to endure the pain of those disappointing experiences, I began to wake up to the common denominator in those relationships — me. What was it about me that kept me thinking I was getting the pizza I ordered only to keep having the wrong one delivered?

I dug deep into the depths of my heart and soul and found a treasure buried there. I’ve learned many things I hope will be helpful to others in these difficulties and I’d like to share some of my findings with you.

 

  • You are not responsible for other people’s behaviors; you are only responsible for your own. As children, we think we are the center of the universe and that our actions affect how everyone else feels.  It doesn’t help when adults tell children that they make them feel a certain way. For instance, one of my mother’s famous sayings was, “You kids are going to make me go crazy.” I have yet to counsel a child or adult who does not blame him or her self for the behavior of the people who hurt them. The double whammy of this is that you are trying to solve a puzzle you can’t (the other person) and not solving the one you can (yourself).
  • Change happens when we reconnect with our hearts and our inner intuition. It’s obvious to see how my confusion at that young time in my life guided my decisions. As I look back on that, I feel sad for the seventeen-year-old girl I was. My relationship with my family was so fractured, but I still sought it out with a different person.
  • We can’t walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, but we don’t have to judge their path. When we understand our own journey, we realize judging another’s is foolish. As I accept myself, I feel angry yet understanding for how we continue to treat others. I just know that it isn’t sustainable. Women stay in abusive relationships for complex reasons. But as a culture we continue to judge them, condemn them, and find reasons to not help them. Woman judge themselves harshly too. I know how much I was judging myself from those same beliefs. It was not helpful. We are better than this. Each women needs to come to her own conclusions. However, how much more quickly would I have come to my conclusions if I had a compassionate caring counselor, coach or friends to help me realize my value and worth as a human being? I eventually began to get there and it gave me the courage and strength to leave. But that was only the beginning of my journey.

Read how to stop dating the same person at YourTango.com 

 

The Reason Why Women Cheat But Never Want A Divorce

August 20th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Amanda Chatel, From YourTango

It happens to the best of us: we’re in a committed relationship for years, then we realize, “meh,” the passion just isn’t what it used to be. It might not be an easy thing to admit, but if you’ve ever felt that way, you’re not alone. As Eric Anderson, a professor of masculinity, sexuality, and sport at the University of Winchester explains, “The most predictable thing about a relationship is that, the longer it progresses, the quality and the frequency of sex between the couple will fade. This is because we get used to and bored of the same body.” It seems like a very human response to monotony, if you ask me.

Anderson also happens to be the “chief science officer” at AshleyMadison.com. If you’ve yet to hear of this site, then allow me to explain: it’s a dating website for married people who are looking to have affairs. Depending on where you stand on morals, you may either think this is the worst thing in the world or it’s a brilliant concept. Personally, I fall somewhere in the middle.

 As with any dating site, AshleyMadison definitely does their research. Anderson and his fellow scientists, looked into 100 straight, married, women between the ages of 25 and 45 to see why it is that women cheat. I mean, why not just get a divorce? What they found was that 67 percent of the women just want some passion (and sex) back in their lives again. They want t be wined and dined, and made to feel like they’re appreciated and attractive again.

Read more about women committing infidelity at YourTango.com 

Experts Say Your Fears May Be Keeping You Single

August 19th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Debi Berndt, From YourTango 

Do you feel that no matter what you do, nothing seems to work out for you in your love life? The years are passing and you fear that you will be spending the rest of your life alone. Sometimes the fear is so great that you break down and get triggered after a bad date or someone you liked fell away. Your fearful ego is driving your efforts and, instead of finding love, you are getting the opposite.

You can have the best vision board, visualize your ideal partner twice a day, have the best online profile pictures, go on four dates a week with the best dating lines, but if all of your efforts to find love are based in fear, you will create more of what you fear rather than what you really want.

 Most people misunderstand that it isn’t what you are doing that is pushing love away but how you are being. I am not talking about behavior and proper dating etiquette, but about the energy you are putting into your actions.

Your thoughts and feelings drive your actions that give you the results in your life. So, if you thoughts and feelings are filled with the fear of being alone, that fear is driving all of your actions and giving you what you fear, not the love you really want.

 

 Here is a quick self-test. If you had to wait one or two more years to meet your ideal partner, how would you feel about that? On a scale of 1-10, ten being the most fearful where do you fall when you think about your delay in finding love?

 

All that energy that could be going to creating love is going to protection and creating more fearful experiences in dating and relationships. Anytime you are creating from fear you are retreating in survival, not expanding to new experiences. You are playing not to lose rather than playing to win. Unconsciously, you will not take risks emotionally, you will sabotage opportunities and cling to familiar relationship patterns in desperation.

 

To overcome this fear of not finding love, you have to move toward it instead of running from it. Finding someone will not remove the fearful emotions; the new relationship will only magnify it. You don’t want to get into a relationship fearing that they will leave, walking on eggshells and filled with anxiety over how they feel about you. I am sure you have been there before. To find real love, you have to face the fear first.

 

Sit with this fear and examine it from outside of your body. Imagine it being a blob of energy and ask it why it does what it does. What does it really fear? How does it protect you? Why am I scared to be alone? You can also get into the feeling and journal these questions. You will be surprised as to the answers and insights you will receive.

Read more about love at YourTango.com 

“I Was 13, Got Drunk On Like Two Beers” Women Share How They Lost Their Virginity

August 18th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Amanda Chatel, From YourTango 

“I was 13, got drunk on like two beers and then my mom picked me up to take me to my violin lesson.”

I’m always quick to admit that my first time was a bust. Granted, losing one’s virginity is never as great as the sex you’ll have in the future, but the range of awkwardness can be pretty extreme. Let’s be honest: we all have weird, funny, and embarrassing stories about our first time. I’ve yet to meet someone who’s ever said their first time was magical and involved orgasm after orgasm. Have you?

We asked a few ladies their thoughts on their first time. Was it awkward like the majority of loss of virginity stories? Painful and bloody? Or something gloriously unforgettable. Here’s what they had to say.

The blood! The pain!
“My first time was excruciating. I thought I was going to die. I went to ballet the next day and I thought I wouldn’t make it through. Seriously excruciating. Almost more painful than my cyst rupturing. I was wondering why people liked it, and the guy was super genteel, too,” says Autumn, 25.


Read more about women and their first time at YourTango.com 

#OhHellNo: 5 Ways To Cure Jealousy In Relationships

August 15th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Susie & Otto Collins, From YourTango 

Sam feels frustrated after a visit with his doctor. His blood pressure is high and he’s developing a stomach ulcer. None of these health conditions are a big surprise to Sam. He’s been super stressed for months and it’s largely because of all of his pent up feelings. It all started when Sam’s wife’s ex-husband moved back to their small town.

Because her ex is respected and loved by family, friends and community members, Sam has been repeatedly told how great this man is and how he’s such a wonderful father and an all-around fabulous guy.

 Hearing these stories and high praise always caused Sam to feel inferior and slightly threatened by his wife’s ex, but the feelings were always manageable because he lived in a different country. But now that he has returned home, it’s become impossible to deny. Sam feels like a nobody compared to this local hero, and the jealousy is taking a toll on Sam’s health — and on his marriage, too.

 

What triggers your jealousy?

 

 The answer is different for everyone.

 

For some, like Sam, jealousy rears its head when an ex is somehow in the picture. Maybe your partner regularly communicates with or spends time with an ex because the two share parenting of a child, or maybe because they’ve managed to remain friends. Perhaps you have come into contact with your partner’s ex and this sparks a painful comparison game in your mind. Or maybe all you have to do is think about them and all that you imagine brings up worry and fear that you don’t measure up or that your partner will leave you for him or her.

 

Another jealousy trigger can come up in social situations. Especially if your partner is more extroverted than you are or if he or she is a flirt, this can bring up jealousy in an instant. Even if your partner only has eyes for you, the cruel comparison game that you play in your mind is a trigger that will ruin the fun of a party or night out with your beloved.

Read more about curing your jealousy at YourTango.com