All Articles Tagged "love"

Giving Thanks: Why I’m Grateful God Didn’t Give Me Who And What I Thought I Wanted

November 25th, 2015 - By Cynthia L. Dorsey
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It’s the holiday season: a time to reflect, a time to give, and a time to say thank you. During my personal time of reflection and thanks, I realized that I must take a moment to thank God for not giving me what I wanted. Or at least, what I thought I wanted.

I had expectations of how I wanted my life to be. I wanted to get a bachelor’s degree (check), a master’s degree (check), travel the world (check), and start my own company (check). I also had the expectation that I would have my happily-ever-after moment by the time I was 30. But after reaching 32 without that happily ever after, I was left with questions: Why am I not married? Why don’t I have any kids? Am I riding the short bus of life?

Well, as I was reflecting, I became immensely intrigued and decided to conduct a bit of “research” if you will. What would my life be like if I had married any of my exes? To conduct this case study, I used good ol’ social media for evidence. I want to be clear — I do not want to use the evidence found to bash my exes in any way. At some point in my life I made the choice to date them and I take full ownership of it even in my lack of better judgment. I even prayed that they were the “one.” Snotted and cried when the relationship didn’t work, and even contemplated “What if?” many times over. I don’t care who you are, at some point you’ve been stupid in love too. I found four exes on social media whom I dated in high school and college. Today, they all are well, healthy, and vibrant based on their posts on social networks. I must say they have all gone on to be successful and should be commended.

For the sake of my research, the guiding question is as follows: What would my life be like if I ended up marrying any of my exes? Here’s what my research led me to find:

Ex #1 is married to a lovely woman and they have a beautiful son together. And yet, the moment I liked one of his family photos on Instagram, he slid in my DMs asking me if I was still a virgin and if we could we meet up.

Ex #2 is seemingly a straight man to the world. However, his liked photos pop up on my newsfeed, and it seems that he frequently likes half-naked and naked pictures of men. When rapper The Game posted a suggestive image of himself in the mirror in his boxer briefs a few weeks ago, my ex reposted it with a caption that read, “Whoa…”

Ex #3 is making strides in the political world. A good government job type of brother. He loves taking selfies and posting pictures of himself for #MCM and photos of scantily-clad women as his #WCW. He is definitely convinced he is God’s gift to the ladies.

Ex #4 is an avid churchgoer. A holy, hallowed be thy name, Holy-Ghost filled, Bible-toting, weed head. He has plenty of videos up of himself getting high and drinking codeine and Sprite mixtures. But he is very involved at his church. Kudos to him for that.

After reviewing the research from these four case studies, I immediately dropped to my knees and said, “THANK YOU GOD FOR NOT GIVING ME WHAT I THOUGHT I WANTED!” The answer to my guiding question is crystal clear: My life would be a mess.

Everything we think we want isn’t always what is best for us. Having expectations can help us set goals, but it’s important to leave room for the lessons in the disappointments. Everyone’s life path is different and unique. As long as you are living and walking your life’s designated path to the best of your ability and following your dreams, what you want will come at the right time.

This holiday season, as you celebrate life with your families, take a moment to thank the man upstairs for blocking the mess you thought was good for you and removing added stress in your life. Being grateful for the things you didn’t get is spiritual maturity at its finest.


Do You Avoid Dating Fine Men?

November 25th, 2015 - By Madame Noire
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A few weeks ago, Angie Stone told MadameNoire that she would never date a sex symbol again. During her exclusive interview, Stone revealed how she passed on the opportunity to date Idris Elba because she already experienced what it was like to be in a relationship with one man who was the object of everyone’s affection (D’Angelo) and that was enough. “I had my stint with one sex symbol in the world. And it was not the greatest of situations,” she said. “I didn’t want another headache like that. Idris is fine. Idris is a great actor. He’s rich and he’s famous. And for me, that was a bit much.”

Although some of us may not have the opportunity to meet or fall in love with celebrity sex symbols, we do, however, meet fine men in our day-to-day lives. Even better, we may get the chance to date these good-looking men but with that comes the disheartening question: “Am I pretty enough for him?” I asked myself this question when I started to get to know my boyfriend, Carter. We attended the same junior high school and in 7th grade I was immediately enamored by his hazel eyes and entertaining personality. I would leave my English class early just so I could catch a glimpse of him leaving his Social Studies class. I had it bad for Carter, but crushing on him was cut short when he told a mutual friend that he was not interested me, at all.

The rejection stung and once we graduated middle school, I would strategically avoid him around our Brooklyn neighborhood. Over the years, I put thoughts of Carter and our experience behind me but I would see his beautiful smile and cinnamon skin pop up on Myspace and, later, Facebook feeds. We eventually became Facebook friends while we were in college and exchanged numbers, but our conversations were always friendly and never romantic—until my last week of college.

It was a typical Friday night but because I was graduating, my friends and I decided to do a bar crawl until our legs and heads made us want to crawl back to our rooms. Because I was drunk, graduating, and feeling fearless I sent Carter a “Ms.Jackson If You Nasty” text and concluded it with a, “YOUre soooooooo f*cking FINE!!!” Surprisingly, Carter playfully replied back and from friendliness we graduated to flirtation. But because I questioned if Carter could ever be interested in me, I found myself trying to hook him up with one of my friends. He dismissed me playing cupid for him and would continuously show that he was interested in me but I made up my mind that he was just a flirtatious person and not serious. Our cat and mouse game lasted for six months until I hired Carter to DJ for my birthday party and from that night on we’ve been inseparable.

I decided to continue our relationship because Carter has and continues to sharpen who I am as a person. Besides my parents, he is the only person who sees me as an invincible winner. And although he has not been a headache for me, the  problems  we’ve encountered have humbled us to work on our individual development. I’ve learned that many of our issues were based on the perception I had of me. I didn’t think I was ugly when we entered our relationship but I believed Carter would never pursue a girl my complexion or with my hair length. To be honest, prior to falling in love with him, I believed Carter to still be the 12 year old who rejected me before homeroom started. Because of that, I wasted a lot of time toiling between his true character and my negative perception. Now that I am more mature, I’ve learned to stop fighting with my guard up and be okay with our relationship. By focusing on my own confidence and not tracking his timeline, decisions and feelings like the FBI, I’ve gained more personal security. This allowed me to be more open to learning about Carter and his personhood. Because of this, our love has become safest space we know.

Dating Diary Of A Single Mom: Finding Mr. Perfect

November 25th, 2015 - By Danielle Elaine
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Before we get down to business, let me just clarify a few details in my last entry. I had known the gentleman in question for a significant amount of time, he even knows my family. The only thing I was questioning was whether or not I had the right to be mad he didn’t carry my 50 pound baby-car seat set. I mean overall, from beginning to end, I knew the whole scenario was a sham. I was willfully being naive, under the guise of hopefulness.

Now, back to more important news…over the weekend I went on a date with my co-worker, whom I’ll call Mr. Perfect. A few weeks ago we casually struck up a conversation as we robotically read package labels and sorted boxes into their respective chutes. We discussed nothing extraordinary, yet I found myself not wanting the conversation to end. He told me about his son, and how he was an Electrical Engineering Graduate student. We even discussed our parental other halves and dating horrors. One would think that was heavy stuff for an initial conversation, but something about him was so familiar and comfortable. We talked constantly for weeks.

I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone so quickly in my life. Everything is just easy with him. There is no over-thinking, or doubtfulness, and I can’t tell if it is because I’m different, or he is.

Our conversations went on and we discussed our siblings, college, and I told him I was a writer. He read my book “Love Letters I Never Sent,” and even checked out my column. He asked me out, and I acquiesced.

All night we talked, and laughed. I made a complete fool of myself  thinking General Nutrition Center was something other than GNC, and I’m still embarrassed (even now) about that. For the last week I have been utterly googly eyed for this man. Towering over me at 5’11 and covered in beautifully deep brown skin with hands that swallow mine when our fingers lace he is literally everything I have prayed for personified. My gentle giant with the most sincere eyes, and a genuine smile that instantly calms the millions of butterflies fluttering through my body almost seems too good to be true. Even as I write this I can’t help but smile.

Only moments ago, literally seconds, I was going off on my Facebook status about the totally unsurprising verdict on the Michael Brown case. Even through my rage, radicalistic anger and pain, the mere thought of finding Mr. Perfect penetrates my inner being and suddenly he’s become the eye of my storm. Over the years I have learned to take things for what they are, as they are. It is very possible this won’t last because maybe he’ll turn out differently than he appears to be, or maybe I’ll push him away. Either way I am willing to take the risk to find out.

Without a doubt, motherhood has not only redefined what love is, but taught me how to love. On the hard days, when frustration and stress run high, and my daughter is acting up, it is my love for her that allows patience to guide me in dealing with her. It is my love for her that makes it hard to stay mad with her, and in the same way children are loved with patience and mercy, I have learned that men and women should be loved in such a manner also.

If you loved your ex the way you love your kid(s), would you still be together? If you extended the same patience, and unconditional adoration you pour into your children in your love life how much different could things be?

This time around I want something different, I believe it is possible and I’m willing to work for it.

From First Crush To Your First One: Loves You Never Get Over

November 25th, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

While our readers were all contemplating whether or not it was possible to emotionally move on from your baby daddy, we thought about the other loves in our lives we’ll probably never get over. Did we miss any of yours?

Single-Shaming: Is It Really A Thing?

November 24th, 2015 - By Deja Jones
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I’ve heard of slut-shaming, fat-shaming, gay-shaming and most other shaming pertaining to race, ethnicity and size, but more recently, I stumbled across the new term, “single-shaming” in Cosmopolitan and I thought, is this really a thing?

Hey Aunt Kathy, it’s cool. And you too, mom and dad. You guys can’t be blamed for asking me if I’m dating someone when I’m home for the holidays. It’s just what you do. But, hey friend-of-a-friend at the bar who dropped a major shame bomb on me the other night. Not. Cool. We were chatting in a group when I revealed I was a Tinder-less single person. “What?” she squeed. “But how do you meet guys? You’re just not dating?” Bartender, pour me another! Usually, singles are left to defend themselves while passing the potatoes at Thanksgiving, but my bar encounter was more biting: I was single-shamed by a peer.

Has anyone else found themselves in this situation where you often feel like you have to answer to people or explain yourself for being single? The more I read the article, the more I realized that single-shaming really isn’t anything new. This isn’t some new phenomena or theory that just surfaced. Someone just took something that many of us have experienced and gave it a name. I often have to explain to friends and family that in my mid-20s, I’m not in a steady relationship because I am working on my career, or making grand plans to travel, or I just don’t want to settle for anybody for the sake of not being by myself.

How many of you have found yourselves excluded from many conversations with committed, engaged, or married friends because you’re riding solo? How many of you have had to ask for a plus one when attending an event that requires a “RSVP” because your friend decided you didn’t have a suitable partner? How many of you have had your friends come down on you for the way you choose to date or not date? How many of you have received an invite to hang with your friend, but found yourself third wheeling it when their boo decided to make a guest appearance, only to be told how fun it would be if you could find someone so you all could double date?

According to Cosmopolitan and Dr. Bella DePaulo, author of Singled Out, single-shaming comes from thinking that if you follow the prescribed path and get married (or at least commit), you’ll be happier. If you don’t go that route, in turn, people won’t understand and presume that you’re blocking your own happiness.

Well, I call bull—t. Who’s to say you can’t be happy being single? I’m happy with my friends, my career, my freedom and exploring life and I don’t need to be committed to anyone to have all those things. A man, woman or any person you choose to be your significant other should be an enhancement to your already complete life. They shouldn’t be there to compensate for something lacking. So I’ll enjoy my life in my carefree single bubble, and when I meet a man worthy enough of my time, we can enjoy the life we’ve built as individuals, together.

So when you find yourself at the center of these questions at grandma’s house on Thanksgiving, or when you find yourself at the singles table feeling like your whole life has been exposed, just remember one thing: You don’t owe anybody anything, let alone an explanation for your love life.

Mo’Nique vs Shonda: Who Has The Better Relationship Philosophy?

November 19th, 2015 - By Charing Ball
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My best friend and I sat at a local bar recently, commiserating about relationships over a basket of honey BBQ wings.

Her issue is that she loves them, they hurt her, she stays because she doesn’t want to be alone until she can’t stay any longer and then moves on to the next one without a break in between. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

My issue is that I love them, they hurt me and I swear off men for unnatural lengths of time until I get the courage to try and fail again. Then it is: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

We both confide in each other how much we admire the others strength. She admires my willpower and strength to be alone. I admire her ability to love freely, regardless of the outcome.

But at the end of our conversation we both came the realization that our separate love lives were the product of the same coin: the loving men coin. And regardless of what path we choose, we will both have to learn to love in a way that is comfortable for us.

I mention this story because of there is an interesting debate happening online among women about relationships.

On one side is Team Mo’Nique who recently caused quite a stir with comments she made about marriage. More specifically, the “I hate skinny girls” turned thin mint comedian confirmed, once again, that she is in fact in an open marriage. And as she tells True

The person that you stood up and you said ‘for better, for worse, sickness and in health, richer or poorer’ you took those vows in front of the universe. If you don’t live by them, then maybe you shouldn’t have taken them. And when you say ‘a pass to cheat’… see when you’re with your best friend and you say to your best friend ‘I’m having these feelings about this person, sexually and I wanna share it with you’.. when you’re best friends, you can have those open and honest conversations. Often times people cheat because of something they’re not getting. But when you have open and honest dialogue and you say we’re just human beings and all these people on the face of the earth, do you think my eyes won’t ever say ‘he’s fine’ or ‘she’s attractive’. Now if you wanna go further with it, let’s be honest enough to have those conversations. What is it about that person that you find that you wanna sleep with? Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do. And if that’s the case, how can I be mad? Because I’m not gon’ do it. Should I deprive you of not having it? That’s when the relationship is real real.”

That’s an interesting perspective to say the least. And a bit refreshing, especially when compared to the many wives in denial about their husband’s own philandering eyes.

Still there is the other side of the debate, which is Team Shonda Rhimes. And earlier this week, the 45-year old queen of scripted series appeared on Oprah’s Super Sunday to remind folks of all the fun she is having not being married to the same peen for the rest of her life.

More specifically, she told Oprah:

I’m one of those people, since I was 5, I could tell you I was going to have kids. I could tell you I was going to have three. I could tell you they were going to be girls,” she says. “But I have never wanted to get married. I never played bride. I was never interested. I don’t know what it is; I never wanted to get married.”

Again, nothing wrong with owning your own decision.

Yet for the last couple of days, I have watched women – married, single and in between – go to battle with each other over which woman has the best philosophy on relationships. There is one side who feels that Mo’Nique is dumb and insecure. And then there is the other side who thinks Shonda is just a bitter old hag.

Meanwhile I feel like both sides are wrong. Because honestly, there are many definitions of a healthy relationship.

While most people have already written Mo’Nique off as a woman with low self-esteem, what I actually see in her is a woman who still desires a relationship with a particular man, but has also let go of the idea of what a relationship is supposed to look like.

Call it having a lack of faith in all men, but there is also the reality that regardless of how well she cooks, cleans, screws, or caters to her man, he is going to do whatever is in his heart to do. She can wait forever for that one guy that will be all of the things everyone tells her she should have in a relationship. But as many of us know, that wait might be a very long time. And more importantly, that dream relationship may never come.

Like my best friend, some people are just not down for sleeping alone. So she takes her imperfect relationship and makes it work for her. He has friends on the side. She has friends on the side. And at the end of the day, they are each other’s best friend. And that bond is likely more important than what they do sexually with other people.

Her relationship may not be what most of us grew up dreaming about (certainly not my cup of tea), but neither is life in general. Plus, clearly she has other things happening in her life – including kids, her career and gym times, besides worrying about what her husband is doing.

On the flip side you have Rhimes who from a very young age just said, “bump this dream mess all together, I’m going to just do me. And him. And him. And yes Gawd, him too”

And you know what: ain’t nothing wrong with that either.

Point is, although both of these women exist on opposite sides of the relationship coin, both have come to the same conclusion. Neither want to feel owned. Neither is seeking validation through traditional values and expectations. Both are determined to do love on their own terms. And neither of them give a damn what we feel about it.

And as sad as both situations sound to some folks, particularly those judging from the outside, both women have figured out what many of us are still learning. Basically, sometimes letting go – or never feeding into – expectations can bring its own happiness and rewards.

Personally, as I get closer to middle age, I am starting to desire commitment less and companionship more. I can’t tell you for sure what that looks like, but I can tell you it involves separate places and spaces.

It may not be ideal for everyone, but as long as I am happy, who cares what anyone else thinks?

I’m Bored: 15 Ridiculous Reasons To Consider Divorce

November 17th, 2015 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Tumblr

Image Source: Tumblr

When Cynthia Bailey confessed to her sister Malorie that she didn’t find Peter Thomas (who is in his mid-50s) attractive with his clothes off, coupled with the fact that he had just been caught getting close to another woman in the club, the divorce rumors immediately started. But since when did “for better or for worse” not include a few wrinkles? Marriage can’t survive every trial and tribulation, but these are ridiculous reasons to get divorced.

“Where Is The Love?” Director Catina Jones Says Don’t Believe 70% Of Black Women Are Single

November 6th, 2015 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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WITL TRAILER fixed audio from Where Is The Love? Documentary on Vimeo.

Over the last decade, dating has become the Achilles’ heel for many Black women. With discouraging statistics and mounting family pressure, Black women are repeatedly told they will be the last to get married or never do it at all. To shift the conversation, director Catina Jones has produced and directed a documentary titled Where Is The Love? that focuses on the misleading quotes reported by media outlets, questions why Black women are getting married at older ages, and exposes how various industries profit off of Black women who are seeking help with their love lives. In our interview we asked Jones about those angles and also her vision of the Black family’s future and what Black women should do to combat these negative reports.

MadameNoire (MN): What is your documentary, Where Is The Love, about?

Catina Jones (CJ): Where Is The Love was inspired by a statistic that was released by the United States Census Bureau  a few years. That statistic was reported that 70 percent of Black women are single. So my initial goal as a single woman who was watching all of her friends and beautiful Black women who were single was to explore and figure out why there were so many single Black women.

Since starting on this journey I’ve had a few epiphanies and revelations once the statistic came into question. I had a great interview with The New York Times writer and in her extensive research she drilled it all down and made it make sense for me. The 70 percent statistic that was released only applied to Black women between the ages of 24-29. At that stage, you have to question that statistic and how it was released and why, then, there are so many other questions that we sought out to answer and why would you release a statistic and not release all of the information? That lead us down another rabbit hole of, “hey, you know, there is a marketing ploy. There’s self-help, that’s attached to this number. There is a whole market that is open now and Black women are filling that void. They are buying all of the self-help books and they’re questioning themselves. And there are, you know during that time, other news reports. Well there were two or three statistics that were released that were just ridiculous. None of them were in favor of Black women. So Where’s The Love? became and is us taking a look at that statistic; demystifying the statistic for the public and looking at women who are not embracing it, because there is so much negativity out there. We don’t see us celebrating Black women a lot.

MN: Where do you think the pressure to get married in the Black community stems from?

CJ: I think it began with that statistic. One of the clips we used from The Oprah Winfrey talk show, she opened up the show with, “Hold on to your seats everyone! Seventy percent of Black women are single.” Everyone embraced that statistic. For me, I was personally looking at my immediate circle and I saw girlfriends who were single and I was single myself. So, it was a question and once I saw that report on the Oprah show, it was confirmation. It was further confirmation that this is an  epidemic and the way it was reported it felt like this was ,you know, a crisis that we are in right now. The truth of the matter is marriage rates are down across the board. Once capitalists saw that it was profitable to market to this certain group or Black women and say “hey, this is why you’re single.” Everyone felt the need to tell us about us and no one was talking to us they were talking at us. And telling us what we needed, you know? I think it just caught on like wildfire and I think that society was in a place at that time where we started to embrace other messages. Maybe coming out of our music or what we saw in entertainment. Maybe art imitates life to a certain extent. What we have to understand is our statistic is higher, it’s actually 43 percent of Black women across the board are single but by the time we are in our late thirties and early forties that number increases significantly. We are getting married, we are just getting married later.

MN: Why do you think other races or ethnicities aren’t targeted in these reports?

CJ: I can’t say that they aren’t. If you walk into any bookstore you’ll see “Why Men Love B*tches” or “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man” you’ll see it across racial lines, you’ll see that there is a hard push and a sector that has grown significantly. You’ll see they’re targeting women as a whole but it got so much easier when they saw that number. It was so alarming. It just caused Black women to embrace it and then you have statistics about Black men in jail. Then when you’re in college, you’re looking around and you see the ratio there. There was so much information that made this number and help this number to live.

MN: Why do you think men are not offered the same advice?

CJ: The messages have been coming primarily from the men. For them, it’s natural to target women, you know? Not to say they are not being accountable but it gives them the freedom to be a hot commodity. They give themselves up as the one up to advise women on what to do and I think if it were the reverse and women were writing books for men to step it up and, you know, become the head of household and do this and do that, I just don’t think men would embrace it because it’s coming from a woman.

MN: Do you think marriage is a necessity for Black women to pursue?

CJ: I don’t think it’s necessary for everyone, but I see the benefit. I think we learned in our journey with this documentary that family and community is what is important — however that may exist for you as long as that strong foundation is there. Marriage is just legalizing that whole part of it, you know that whole union or what not. It’s definitely not necessary but there are so many benefits to marriage that you cannot deny that it is worth taking a look at it now. That’s why we wanted to examine it in Where Is The Love?.

MN: What was the most surprising thing you observed while filming the documentary?

CJ: In various cities, we would hear women say “I can’t find anyone on my level” and men cringed at that. One guy in Minneapolis stood up at this forum a radio station put together for us to film and this one guy just exploded, like he lost it. He went in on this one chick and he was all emotional and upset and basically his question to her was: “What is your level? Why do you think or separate yourself  or put yourself on a pedestal to the point you consider yourself a different level from someone? It was a real exchange that happened between two of them, that was a hot button for him. But in her defense, she was simply saying, “Hey I did what I was suppose to do. I was told to go to school and get my education. Become a successful woman and I’m just saying “Where’s my Black Knight in shining armor and someone who is my equal or what not?” That calls in the question, “Do you have to date someone on your equal level?”

MN: Do you think the constant media coverage about Black women’s relationships is another way to attack the Black family unit?

CJ: There is a systematic approach and I think that if we go back to even looking at the welfare system, when we look at our historical breakdowns of the Black family, that’s a huge element. Men had to be absent from the household in general for the family to receive benefits. When you couple that with the high incarceration rates of the 1980s and 1990s, and when you look at the messages that started to come out in the media, throughout the years women were becoming stronger and stronger and independent and independent. Then the men were in a downward spiral and those who were not became again, hot commodities. So I think that to answer the question I think that there are some systematic elements to these numbers being released and why center statistics are embraced and others aren’t. It’s tough to figure out exactly where this comes from and it comes from various places.

To help fund Where Is The Love? to be produced in its entirety, visit Jones’ Indiegogo page to support.

15 Relationship Memes That Give The Worst Advice

November 6th, 2015 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

The Internet allows anyone with Wi-Fi to speak their mind on a variety of issues. No matter what the person’s actual background is on the topic, many popular social media users become experts and give “advice” on child-rearing, religion and even relationships at the drop of a dime.  Rules on relationships are published on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter constantly, and in my opinion, the information shared is usually quite toxic. To save you the time and anxiety that often comes from reading this advice, we’ve chosen 15 of the worst relationship advice memes that you should avoid like the plague.

For The #PettySquad: Why Can’t Your Friend Get Married Before You?

November 3rd, 2015 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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Wedding planning can bring out the best and worst in brides-to-be. Depending on how they envision their wedding day, some brides would prefer their friends place their lives on hold for their big day — literally.

For instance, there are some women who have openly stated they would be infuriated if one if their friends became engaged before or on her wedding day. While others, in an effort to have their big day be a perfect fairy tale, would rather their friends not become pregnant or get married also as they plan for their upcoming nuptials.

Droves of women opened up about these fears on The Wedding Bee, believing if their friends were to wed before they do their creative ideas would be stolen. Some even shared that their newly engaged friend may not be of much help because she would be more focused on planning her own big day.

Within the same social board chat, a man opened up about not wanting to play “second fiddle” to his friend who decided to propose to his girlfriend a few weeks before he did: “If it hasn’t been made clear, I’m trying to propose to my girlfriend, and I just don’t want her moment to be any less magical than she imagined it. I’m a little bummed that my friend bumped up his proposal date that close to my plans, but if it doesn’t seem like it’d affect many ladies, I’ll accept it and be happy for everyone.”

A newly engaged woman nervously wrote on The Knot about not wanting to steal her friend’s moment when she decided to get married a month before her friend. She shared, “I live abroad and most of my friends still live in the US. A few months ago, one of my good friends called with news that she was engaged and plans to marry next autumn (yay!). I’ve already said that I will fly back to America to attend her wedding. This week I’ve just become engaged…and we need to be married next summer for immigration reasons and plan to do it in the country where I currently live.” She continued, “I’m nervous about calling my friend to tell her that I’m engaged and will be getting married before her. I don’t want her to feel like she has to find money to fly to my wedding abroad when she is saving for her own upcoming wedding. I also don’t want to seem like I’m “stealing her thunder” by getting married first.”

I asked those around me if they would have an issue with their friends getting married before them and the answers I received were rather interesting. My best friend said she would be happy for any friend who weds before her whereas a coworker revealed she wouldn’t mind, but she would make sure her wedding was better than her friend’s. When I asked if it was okay for a friend to get engaged on the bride’s wedding day, emotions flared.  My best friends and co-worker said that was rude and taking away from the bride and her groom’s day (especially since they didn’t pay the venue fees). My bestie also noted that the friend’s significant other may be viewed as lazy if he didn’t plan his own proposal and used someone else’s wedding as his personal backdrop.  As for pregnancies, one co-worker shared she would prefer none of her bridesmaids became pregnant because she doesn’t want them to “waddle down the wedding aisle.” Another co-worker said she would be more concerned if the pregnant friend could not help or participate in certain wedding activities. Personally, I could care less. I would be more excited to have a wedding and change my last name because (#N*ggaWeMadeIt).

Also, I think I would be more focused on spending an important day with those I genuinely love; because, you’ll never have another event where all your family members are together, at the same time.

Despite the personal preferences we all have, I do think it’s interesting how we try to control the lives of others as we prepare for our own important milestones. It’s as though we think a friend’s life-changing moment may subtract from the attention and well wishes we may receive. Most important, I believe this behavior makes us believe we’ll only have one (or very) few moments in life to feel exceptional. This level of competition pushes brides to be overly dramatic. For example, one woman told other Wedding Bee users she became extremely angry when her friends got married before her although she decided to have a 28-month engagement. Because of this she found herself not celebrating her friends but becoming envious of them. Although other Wedding Bee users said her feelings were valid, sounds like she was just a green-eyed bride-to-be. Thoughts?