All Articles Tagged "love"

What I Learned From My Boyfriend Sexually Humiliating Me

August 22nd, 2014 - By Lauren R.D. Fox
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By Carolyn Castiglia, From YourTango 

“You’ve gotta shave your as*hole if you want me to lick it.” It was one of the most absurd things I’d ever heard, and such a loaded statement! A guy I was dating just casually tossed that grenade out one afternoon after we’d finished “making love. His words exploded into the air next to my ears, and I was knocked off balance from the boom. Like a soldier under seige in a movie about war, time slowed for me and I went deaf while my vision blurred. In a cacophony of simultaneous thoughts colliding I tried to decode what I’d just heard. I have to shave my what? Why? Do people shave that? Is that a thing? Wait, and you want to do what to it now? Lick it? Why I am getting procedural preparation commands when this is the first time the idea of the procedure has been brought to the table? Am I even interested in this procedure? Why are YOU interested in this procedure? What the hell is happening here?! Fall back! FALL BACK!

I’m sure what I finally stammered out was, “Oh. Okay?” Because what do you say to that sort of thing? Especially when you’re not expecting it? This was after he told me that I should wax my virgin pubes and cajoled me into taking a shower with him by telling me, “Get your fat a*s in here,” and then smacked my wet butt. His domineering attitude had initially come across to me as sexy, but was slowly morphing into something toxic. I ended up playing the incident off by saying, “You know, I’m not sure if I’m ready to go there, but I’ll think about it.” (For the record: My salad remains untossed.)

 Until about the past 2 years or so, I haven’t been great at setting boundaries with people who are invasive. I grew up in an authoritarian household where I wasn’t allowed to assert myself, so I learned to accommodate abusive behavior. I replicated that dynamic in many relationships (as one does), and I thought a certain amount of swagger in a man was hot. Here’s the problem: it is. Even though I’m now really conscious of having healthy relationships with everyone in my life (family, friends, co-workers, and lovahs), there is no denying that a well-adjusted man who uses his machismo in the right ways at the right time is a major turn-on. But there’s a fine line between hot swagger and sexual humiliation. Keep him on the side that makes you feel good.

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“Your Captions Be Deep, But You Shallow As A Puddle” Reasons Why Men Avoid Cuffing Season

August 22nd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock


From Single Black Male 

We are one weekend away from Labor Day. That’s right it’s all over. The fun that we had from Spring until now is ending. Soon the trees will change from green to brown. Galoshes will replace sandals. Boyfriend sweaters will replace summer dresses. And, rooftop rendezvouses will all but cease to exist. As the seasons change in the direction of cooler temperatures it comes to everyone’s attention that they should start thinking about who they will be hibernating with this winter. There may a small chance for a autumn tryst but that’s risky because that can still leave you lonely in the colder winter months.

Who am I kidding? Avoid getting cuffed at all costs! I’ve been saying this for years!

Although many people believe that Cuffing Season is a good thing, I’ve always thought it was the absolute worst thing that ever happens in dating. Everybody temporarily lowers their standards almost as though they have a relationship amnesty week and ends up shacking up with a person that they probably would never give the time of day otherwise. You waste anywhere from 3 to 6 months of someone’s precious time in a pseudo-relationship that really doesn’t exist because it’s only a cuffing* relationship.

* – That means that you are not really in a relationship. Do not expect to meet each other’s friends and family, do not expect a key, do not expect priority over existing plans, invitations to weddings, really great sex (you know the type that comes with a commitment that you’re going to stick around), and should either of you find another “cuff” that you want to join… there’s no penalty. Your relationship is basically a month-to-month lease.

Continue reading why you should avoid cuffing season at 

Break The Cycle: How To Stop Dating The Same Kind Of Man

August 21st, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Deborah Chelette-Wilson, From YourTango 

I grew up desperately seeking love, kindness and guidance from parents who were unable to meet my emotional needs. It is not pleasant to admit that, but it is true. It is also true that I transferred that desperate neediness as a young adult into relationships with men who couldn’t meet my emotional needs either. I’ve often said, “Men have been a big disappointment to me.” That is true too. After not being able to endure the pain of those disappointing experiences, I began to wake up to the common denominator in those relationships — me. What was it about me that kept me thinking I was getting the pizza I ordered only to keep having the wrong one delivered?

I dug deep into the depths of my heart and soul and found a treasure buried there. I’ve learned many things I hope will be helpful to others in these difficulties and I’d like to share some of my findings with you.


  • You are not responsible for other people’s behaviors; you are only responsible for your own. As children, we think we are the center of the universe and that our actions affect how everyone else feels.  It doesn’t help when adults tell children that they make them feel a certain way. For instance, one of my mother’s famous sayings was, “You kids are going to make me go crazy.” I have yet to counsel a child or adult who does not blame him or her self for the behavior of the people who hurt them. The double whammy of this is that you are trying to solve a puzzle you can’t (the other person) and not solving the one you can (yourself).
  • Change happens when we reconnect with our hearts and our inner intuition. It’s obvious to see how my confusion at that young time in my life guided my decisions. As I look back on that, I feel sad for the seventeen-year-old girl I was. My relationship with my family was so fractured, but I still sought it out with a different person.
  • We can’t walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, but we don’t have to judge their path. When we understand our own journey, we realize judging another’s is foolish. As I accept myself, I feel angry yet understanding for how we continue to treat others. I just know that it isn’t sustainable. Women stay in abusive relationships for complex reasons. But as a culture we continue to judge them, condemn them, and find reasons to not help them. Woman judge themselves harshly too. I know how much I was judging myself from those same beliefs. It was not helpful. We are better than this. Each women needs to come to her own conclusions. However, how much more quickly would I have come to my conclusions if I had a compassionate caring counselor, coach or friends to help me realize my value and worth as a human being? I eventually began to get there and it gave me the courage and strength to leave. But that was only the beginning of my journey.

Read how to stop dating the same person at 


The Reason Why Women Cheat But Never Want A Divorce

August 20th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock




By Amanda Chatel, From YourTango

It happens to the best of us: we’re in a committed relationship for years, then we realize, “meh,” the passion just isn’t what it used to be. It might not be an easy thing to admit, but if you’ve ever felt that way, you’re not alone. As Eric Anderson, a professor of masculinity, sexuality, and sport at the University of Winchester explains, “The most predictable thing about a relationship is that, the longer it progresses, the quality and the frequency of sex between the couple will fade. This is because we get used to and bored of the same body.” It seems like a very human response to monotony, if you ask me.

Anderson also happens to be the “chief science officer” at If you’ve yet to hear of this site, then allow me to explain: it’s a dating website for married people who are looking to have affairs. Depending on where you stand on morals, you may either think this is the worst thing in the world or it’s a brilliant concept. Personally, I fall somewhere in the middle.

 As with any dating site, AshleyMadison definitely does their research. Anderson and his fellow scientists, looked into 100 straight, married, women between the ages of 25 and 45 to see why it is that women cheat. I mean, why not just get a divorce? What they found was that 67 percent of the women just want some passion (and sex) back in their lives again. They want t be wined and dined, and made to feel like they’re appreciated and attractive again.

Read more about women committing infidelity at 

Experts Say Your Fears May Be Keeping You Single

August 19th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Debi Berndt, From YourTango 

Do you feel that no matter what you do, nothing seems to work out for you in your love life? The years are passing and you fear that you will be spending the rest of your life alone. Sometimes the fear is so great that you break down and get triggered after a bad date or someone you liked fell away. Your fearful ego is driving your efforts and, instead of finding love, you are getting the opposite.

You can have the best vision board, visualize your ideal partner twice a day, have the best online profile pictures, go on four dates a week with the best dating lines, but if all of your efforts to find love are based in fear, you will create more of what you fear rather than what you really want.

 Most people misunderstand that it isn’t what you are doing that is pushing love away but how you are being. I am not talking about behavior and proper dating etiquette, but about the energy you are putting into your actions.

Your thoughts and feelings drive your actions that give you the results in your life. So, if you thoughts and feelings are filled with the fear of being alone, that fear is driving all of your actions and giving you what you fear, not the love you really want.


 Here is a quick self-test. If you had to wait one or two more years to meet your ideal partner, how would you feel about that? On a scale of 1-10, ten being the most fearful where do you fall when you think about your delay in finding love?


All that energy that could be going to creating love is going to protection and creating more fearful experiences in dating and relationships. Anytime you are creating from fear you are retreating in survival, not expanding to new experiences. You are playing not to lose rather than playing to win. Unconsciously, you will not take risks emotionally, you will sabotage opportunities and cling to familiar relationship patterns in desperation.


To overcome this fear of not finding love, you have to move toward it instead of running from it. Finding someone will not remove the fearful emotions; the new relationship will only magnify it. You don’t want to get into a relationship fearing that they will leave, walking on eggshells and filled with anxiety over how they feel about you. I am sure you have been there before. To find real love, you have to face the fear first.


Sit with this fear and examine it from outside of your body. Imagine it being a blob of energy and ask it why it does what it does. What does it really fear? How does it protect you? Why am I scared to be alone? You can also get into the feeling and journal these questions. You will be surprised as to the answers and insights you will receive.

Read more about love at 

“I Was 13, Got Drunk On Like Two Beers” Women Share How They Lost Their Virginity

August 18th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Image Source:



By Amanda Chatel, From YourTango 

“I was 13, got drunk on like two beers and then my mom picked me up to take me to my violin lesson.”

I’m always quick to admit that my first time was a bust. Granted, losing one’s virginity is never as great as the sex you’ll have in the future, but the range of awkwardness can be pretty extreme. Let’s be honest: we all have weird, funny, and embarrassing stories about our first time. I’ve yet to meet someone who’s ever said their first time was magical and involved orgasm after orgasm. Have you?

We asked a few ladies their thoughts on their first time. Was it awkward like the majority of loss of virginity stories? Painful and bloody? Or something gloriously unforgettable. Here’s what they had to say.

The blood! The pain!
“My first time was excruciating. I thought I was going to die. I went to ballet the next day and I thought I wouldn’t make it through. Seriously excruciating. Almost more painful than my cyst rupturing. I was wondering why people liked it, and the guy was super genteel, too,” says Autumn, 25.

Read more about women and their first time at 

#OhHellNo: 5 Ways To Cure Jealousy In Relationships

August 15th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Susie & Otto Collins, From YourTango 

Sam feels frustrated after a visit with his doctor. His blood pressure is high and he’s developing a stomach ulcer. None of these health conditions are a big surprise to Sam. He’s been super stressed for months and it’s largely because of all of his pent up feelings. It all started when Sam’s wife’s ex-husband moved back to their small town.

Because her ex is respected and loved by family, friends and community members, Sam has been repeatedly told how great this man is and how he’s such a wonderful father and an all-around fabulous guy.

 Hearing these stories and high praise always caused Sam to feel inferior and slightly threatened by his wife’s ex, but the feelings were always manageable because he lived in a different country. But now that he has returned home, it’s become impossible to deny. Sam feels like a nobody compared to this local hero, and the jealousy is taking a toll on Sam’s health — and on his marriage, too.


What triggers your jealousy?


 The answer is different for everyone.


For some, like Sam, jealousy rears its head when an ex is somehow in the picture. Maybe your partner regularly communicates with or spends time with an ex because the two share parenting of a child, or maybe because they’ve managed to remain friends. Perhaps you have come into contact with your partner’s ex and this sparks a painful comparison game in your mind. Or maybe all you have to do is think about them and all that you imagine brings up worry and fear that you don’t measure up or that your partner will leave you for him or her.


Another jealousy trigger can come up in social situations. Especially if your partner is more extroverted than you are or if he or she is a flirt, this can bring up jealousy in an instant. Even if your partner only has eyes for you, the cruel comparison game that you play in your mind is a trigger that will ruin the fun of a party or night out with your beloved.

Read more about curing your jealousy at 

8 Ways Women Find Out Their Boyfriends Still Talk To Their Exes

August 15th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Single Black Male

Let’s be honest, many of us are friends with people we used to date. It’s a good thing and bad thing. If you’re not still emotional dependent on one another it can possibly work. Personally, I feel that if you can’t remain at least cordial with your exes then it speaks to the type of people you have dated in your past. In the fell chance that your significant other finds out about this relationship at random or unexpectedly then things can snowball quickly. Here’s a short list of things that can happen.

They get upset.
Finding out that your significant other is friends with their ex sounds like it shouldn’t be a problem but whenever your significant finds out something is going on behind their back they get upset.
They find out from your friend.
A late night of drinking, you guys stumble down the street and your roommate asks your significant other how they feel about you still hanging out with [INSERT EX’S NAME HERE]. At this point, you’re angry at your roommate for blurting this out. However, you’ve got bigger fish to fry now.
They find out when you mention it accidentally.
Then there was that time that you mention the cast of your last night at happy hour. Instead of stopping there you tell the account of how it came up that you and your “friend” used to date a few years ago. You may explain that you decided you were better off as friends but the damage is already done.
They don’t tell you.
Seems like an ideal situation. Wrong! Never underestimate silence, it’s usually followed by a calculated plot. Or, they back pocket the information and save it for a rainy day or get out of jail free card.

Read more about dating while being friends with an ex at

“It Was His Fault!” The Reason Why I Proposed To My Husband After 3 Years Of Dating

August 14th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Source: Shutterstock

Source: Shutterstock


By Momtastic, From YourTango

After dating my husband for three years, I proposed to him.

I didn’t bend down on one knee like those rom-coms where the roles are reversed. Even though I’d been considering popping the question, the words flew out of my mouth sooner than I’d wanted them to. And, I didn’t propose just because I am a feminist.

And it was his fault that I ended up asking him to marry me.

Read more about this woman’s proposal at 

Your Mother’s Rules Or Nah? Why Drinking On The First Date Is Not Attractive

August 13th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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By Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, From YourTango

Everyone gets a little nervous on a first date. That’s why many singles think a drink seems like a good idea. A little alcohol can steady your nerves and give you a shot of confidence. But as a dating coach for women over 50, I wonder if drinking too much on a date can be keeping you from getting more second dates.

According to a new study conducted by, it turns out that seniors aged 54- 64 are 32% more likely to hit the bottle on a first date than any other age group. I never would have guessed that myself. There could be several reasons why the over 50 crowd tend to indulge more frequently on a first date:

  • Singles over 50 may not have dated for 20 or 30 years and feel they need a bit more courage than younger folks.
  • Seniors may have more leisure time, so are more likely to sit back, relax and enjoy a drink or two.
  • Midlife singles may have more disposable income and so patronize more upscale restaurants where having a nice glass of wine fits in with the experience.

For the most part, having a drink or two is not a big issue. If it helps you feel more comfortable and it adds to the ambiance of your first encounter, why not?

Read more on first date rules at