All Articles Tagged "love"
I was one of those overly dramatic, overly sensitive worry-wart kids. So naturally, I spent countless hours sittin’ up in my room (shout out to Brandy) listening to love songs. I used to shed real tears I would be so caught up. If nothing else, I was passionate.
Dru Hill, with Nokio’s expert writing abilities, Jazz’s impeccable upper register and Sisqo’s heartfelt delivery, were one of my favorites. Real, ride-or-die Dru Hill fans know that on their 1998 album Enter the Dru, they have a song called “What Do I Do With The Love.”
For those who aren’t familiar, the song is about the end of a relationship. The members of the group harmonize about what they’re supposed to do with the love they anticipated giving to their now estranged partner. At 11 years old, I didn’t know anything about love but I thought the concept was fascinating. (Diane Warren is a beast wit it.) But seriously, what do you do with the love? It’s an energy, a force, it certainly can’t just evaporate.
It wasn’t until years later that I came to understand that Diane and Dru Hill were absolutely right, when you love someone, even after a relationship ends, the love is still there. Not in an ‘I want you back’ kind of way. But rather in a ‘I wish you well and please know that even though we shouldn’t, can’t, and won’t be together; somewhere out there, on a spiritual plane, there is love for you.’
Saying that spiritual plane part might creep some folks out, so you might be looking to send other signals to let them know the love is out there. Something like a “Happy Birthday Text.”
We know it well, right ladies?
Now before you start making assumptions, I’m not talking about the let me send this happy birthday to see if he’s still feeling me. I’m talking about the ‘since you played a significant role in my life, let me acknowledge the day you entered into the world’ type of happy birthday text.
Still, it’s hard to communicate that message with a simple Happy Birthday. The phrase can be interpreted many ways. It can, as many of you may have assumed, read like an invitation, a way to gauge interest or strike up conversation after a year of ghost. Because the phrase is so loaded, it’s the reason we women–or at least I–agonized over sending that text last year.
I’m almost ashamed to say that I debated for weeks about whether or not to send the text to someone I’ll call an “ex.”
When the day finally came around, I, sitting on my toilet where all the good thinking happens, decided to send the text hastily. He responded promptly. Thanking me, asking me a off-topic question about my family, and that was it.
And after the brief exchange I felt relieved and mentally scolded myself for being #teamtoomuch.
But…when my birthday rolled around 3 months later, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit of anxious expectancy waiting for that same ‘Happy Birthday’ text. And I would also be lying if I said I didn’t feel some type of way when it never came.
This time I thought, ‘Daaang! For real, you ain’t got no love for me somewhere in the universe homie?!’
I’ll spare y’all all of the details; but long story short, having known this dude since I was 13-years-old in middle school, I thought for sure we’d be able to maintain a semblance of friendship. You know the kind where we text a few times a year on holidays. But curving me on my birthday, let me know, without a shadow of a doubt, that was not about to happen.
And in a few months when dude’s birthday rolls around again, I will not be sending that SMS. (The fact that he didn’t have an iPhone–and didn’t want one–was just one of the reasons we couldn’t seem to make it work.) Ultimately, I know love is a spiritual thang and I shouldn’t have had any expectations; but reciprocity is real important in the practical space, and this wasn’t the first time it’s been an issue in the course of our relationship. Still, mad love… I’ll just send a birthday shout into the universe and hope he knows it’s out there if he ever needs it.
I’ve learned my lesson with this particular one; but I wanted to ask you all if a relationship ends with no bad blood, do you wish your exes happy birthday? Why or why not?
As a woman in my early twenties, I work part-time for an education non-profit, freelance as a writer, and I work around the clock to build my own brand as an entrepreneur. It leaves very little room for social activities, except on the weekends. So when it comes to dating and relationships, I often find myself exhausted by the idea of it all. I spent six years in a relationship building with someone and unintentionally neglecting myself, and now as a single woman, I find myself torn between focusing on my career and looking for love.
“How are you going to be able to date with everything you have going on?”
“You don’t seem like you need a man.”
“Is that why you’re single?”
“When will you ever have time for me?”
“You don’t seem like you’re ready for a relationship.”
These are some of the questions and concerns some men have when it comes to women who are branded as being “too independent.” It’s almost like being branded with the scarlet letter. But Black women have always been independent. We’ve been the maids working double shifts to earn extra wages so that we can come home and take care of our family, and we’ve been one-half of a power couple where both parties share equal responsibility both in work and in the household. We’ve done it all, but most of the time, we’ve done it all without much help.
So with that in mind, I can’t help but give a slow eye roll when in 2015 we as women are still being fed that we can’t have it all. The career, love, and the family. Men have rarely had to give up their independence or been forced to choose between family and career, but it seems to be the binary constantly thrown at women. So why are women who are independent stigmatized as not being datable?
After surveying several men, I can’t say that I was surprised by some of the responses I received. Some said that independent women are not datable because of their unwillingness to be submissive. Most of the men I talked to felt that independent women won’t allow them to play their role as men because they are too self-reliant and don’t seem to have a need for men. To be dependent is to be vulnerable, and to them, independent women aren’t interested in that. Men are raised to be the protectors of their family and when a woman gives off the energy and attitude that she doesn’t need them it creates an imbalance in gender roles and dynamics. But on the flipside, there were some men who said they would love to have a woman who is self-sufficient and independent. Some even went as far as to say that they want a woman to take care of them so they wouldn’t even mind if she made more money…
As single men and women, naturally we should want and be able to take care of ourselves. We should be financially, emotionally, and physically healthy before trying to build with anyone. So why is it that women are criticized when they have their stuff together on their own and want a man to have it all together too?
After surveying different women at different stages in their careers, most women with a solid, five-figure salary and career told me they wanted men who had equal or more than them. They all claimed they wanted an interdependent relationship where they shared an equal partnership with their men. So when men say they want a woman to work as many hours as them and still be a homemaker after hours, these ladies weren’t for it. Why can’t he come home and cook too?
For some women, they believe the notion of being too independent to date is an idea created by men to retain whatever bit of machoism they can in a society where women are starting to dominate in most industries. “Date someone who’s manlier” was the suggestion that one woman gave.
Women who are strong, successful and independent should and tend to naturally aspire to be with men who share similar qualities, but on a much higher level. Is she too independent for love? No. She just hasn’t found a man worth compromising for yet, or who will compromise for her. When a woman truly finds herself in love, and the right man, she will have no problem being submissive.
Okay, story time.
Last weekend, I was hanging out with a group of my friends, discussing love and relationships, when my male friend brought up a new interesting dating technique. He told us gorgeous ladies, that in order to get a man’s attitude online, aka Instagram, we needed to like a bunch of pictures of his all at once.
He stated, “Like 3 or 4 of his pictures and wait for him to like a couple of your pictures back. After he does this, like a few more and I bet you there will be a dm in your inbox by the end of the day.” Of course, in true female fashion, we PROTESTED the idea.
“Oh no, I’ll look thirsty,” yelled one of my friends. However, I was silent. I was going to try it. My dating life is honestly — DRY AS HELL!Why not?
So, what did I do this past week? I liked a few pictures and guest what happened! I ended up with a DM in my inbox. Now, for most of the ladies screaming, “oh no girl, you’re thirsty.” Just because I liked a few pictures, doesn’t mean, I don’t respect myself.
Our conversation and first date wasn’t super awkward or strange. At the end of the night, he knew I wasn’t going home with him and I went to bed happy I gave it a try. There’s nothing to lose in trying ladies.
Now, I know I’m not alone. Has anyone else tried this method? I nicknamed it “Liking For Love.”
Relationships require hard work, which is one of the reasons why so many don’t last. If there were some magical equation to happiness, there wouldn’t be so many broken hearts. If you and your love are currently going through it, you may decide that it’s best to head to your individual corners. Here are some pros and cons when it comes to taking a break from your relationship.
While it’s never good to be super paranoid in a relationship or go around accusing people of having wandering eyes, that doesn’t mean you don’t watch for signs of shadiness coming from your camp. Unfortunately, not everyone who claims they are your friend will have your best interest at heart. In fact, some will go as far as to be nice so they can get what they really want. Here are some warning signs that your so-called friend wants your man.
One can only hope you’re with someone who’s loyal and has no time for birds. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t clean your house of unnecessary drama.
Y’all know we love Kim Coles around here. She’s been the homie in our head since her “In Living Color” days and she solidified the spot playing the quirky and kind-hearted Synclaire James. So I, and then we when I shared the news with the other MN editors, were elated to learn that Ms. Coles recently got engaged to Reggie Mckiver, a holistic health expert.
Coles made the announcement on her Facebook page.
We really are happy for not only her but the women who will be encouraged by her story. Most of y’all reading this are women, so I don’t have to tell you about the pressure our mothers, our society and even we ourselves put on being married and having kids. And to do it all by 30. But bayybee (in my Mo’Nique preaching voice) there is no time limit to love. And if we all could just get to the mental space where we’re blocking out all the unnecessary (and generally unhelpful) noise about how we should lead our distinctly unique lives, perhaps we’d find they’d be filled with a lot less anxiety about things we really have little control over in the first place.
“I want to tell you how he found me. I got real focused on what I wanted in my personal life and the type of man I wanted to spend my life with. I like to have this conversation around finding your GPS or engaging your GPS, your divine GPS…I’ve made it mean something completely different. Gratitude, passion and success… See last year, I got really focused on the destination I wanted to have in my personal life. And by being really focused with that and setting my destination in that place, I was able to be in alignment with the man who showed up and the man who said I’m there too and I want that too…
I’m telling you I am beating every statistic. I am 53 years old and we are not supposed to get married after what 20, 25, 30 maybe? Yeah… that’s not true. I don’t follow any of those rules. I’ve never thought any of those rules applied to me and those rules don’t apply to you either.”
Kim goes on to say that she’s teaching a course on how to align yourself to get what you want out of life. And without having taken the course and having just read a bit about it, I can gather that she doesn’t mean looking and searching for a man, putting all your energy into the hunt; but rather making sure that you are the type of person you’re looking for. So if and when the man you desire presents himself, you’ll be ready, willing and able to receive love in a very healthy way.
We’ve heard this advice before. Like attracts like. Love yourself first and then love will enter your life. And admittedly, sometimes it sounds cliche and oversimplified. But it also makes a lot of sense too.
When you focus on working on yourself first, timelines become obsolete. How long does it take a person to love him or herself? It depends. Putting the goal or quest of finding romantic love in the context of finding and loving yourself first, gives us a much longer time frame to get it right.
So again, congratulations to Kim Coles and hopefully her story can and will be used to inspire some of us all.
Can you trust him while he’s away at work? Why are more women cheating than ever? These shocking facts about having an affair will change the way you see your relationship.
For most people, the idea of being either single or celibate are worse things in the world. They automatically assume they will enter a boring, loveless, unentertaining world. However for me, it has been one of the best decisions I could ever make.
Now, let me say this first, I am in no way a sexual connoisseur nor have I been around multiple blocks. However, I’ve had two long term boyfriends during and after college, that I probably should have made short term. These two relationships, left me feeling completely exhausted.
The highs and lows of dating someone, can be pretty draining when you’re not in the right relationship. So, after finally ending the last one, I decided to take a break. At the tender age of 25, yes I said the tender age of 25, I felt like I needed to honestly, to find myself.
Most women my age, are beyond pressed to find a significant other before it gets too late. Not me, I needed a break. I wanted to find myself, figure out what I like, what I dislike, and just have some fun.
So I embarked on my journey. During the past year or so, I saw tremendous change. I spent more time with my family and friends. I discovered I LOVE sleeping alone and the perks of being celibate. My visits to the doctor weren’t filled with “well, I may have missed the pill once” and I knew mother nature would be on time every single month.
It also made dating so much easier. It took a lot of the pressure off dating, and made it fun again. I also felt my spirit lighten when it came to men. I could careless if he was chasing after me for my cookie because I knew it was locked up in a box and buried in the Pacific Ocean.
However, despite the ups, it did have some lows. At some points, I did feel like I was missing out on something. While, all of my girlfriends were sharing their escapades, I would just sit and wonder if I was stopping myself from enjoying my youth.
It also made me feel somewhat lonely at some points. But despite those lows, I got more highs. I focused so much more on my career, marked somethings off my vision board and learned the joys of being alone. (Now, when people are in my personal space for more than 3 days, I start to get antsy)
Being both celibate and single aren’t as bad as I thought it would be. I’ve learned to love my mind, body and spirit so much more.
I’m sure I’m not alone in these thoughts, have you ever been celibate?
Would you move for love? According to a recent study by the Pew Research Center, it might pay off. When it comes to single, employed men, some cities are definitely better for women looking to get married others.
How does your city stack up?
Remember your first overdose on love? Can you recall that high, that fix, and that addiction? Think for a second back to that old neighborhood or crosstown chick or guy that had you so ‘turned up’ and ‘turned on’ that nothing else in the world mattered – tunnel vision at its finest. Yes! You remember that first love that had you feeling emotions that were so damn foreign. Back then, your situation was probably so intense – that your crew felt it, and maybe some were even jealous – hating on your baby banger from the sidelines. Wherever you were, your first love wasn’t far behind. Whatever you were into, your first love was knee deep in the trenches with you – holding you down.
Reflect – the two of you shared everything. In the mix of your union, I’m sure there were hours of sheer laughter. In the same breath, I’m sure during some of those moments – hours of tears. That’s when the jealousy radar was on ten. No one could get next to your baby – or else. Remember coordinating those fly Easter outfits? Remember all the dip 80&90’s pics that you two flicked up? Remember sneaking into all of those matinee comedies, while kissing and fondling in the dark? I know some of you were out there hooking school with your sweetheart – so you could get your smash on. Remember fighting for your love if someone had something super slick to say? I bet you can remember when your ‘ride-or-die’ jumped in too – scars and all. Looking back, you can still remember all of the R&B songs by Guy, New Edition and Troop that reminded you why your babe would be around forever. In your eyes, your first love went hard for the team, and what a damn team you were.
Then life happened….
Plates and glasses started flying. Some of the wildest words flew from your mouths. Then the belittling and condescending games entered. Then someone else caught your attention – because your Bonnie or Clyde was on some bullshit that they couldn’t back down from.
The storybook romance died one summer long ago. And all these years later – you still remember the sting.
Continue reading how to make your ride or die relationship last forever at MommyNoire.com