All Articles Tagged "love and relationships"

Little Changes Men Make When They’re Getting Serious About You

September 21st, 2016 - By Julia Austin
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Image Source: Shutterstock

Image Source: Shutterstock

Men can go through several phases of getting serious about a woman. They don’t necessarily go straight from casually hooking up to calling you their girlfriend. And if you worry a man doesn’t take you seriously unless he calls you his girlfriend, causing you to bail early, this might mean you walk away from something that could have really been something. In little ways, men start to show they’re more serious about you, slowly, at a pace they’re comfortable with. Just enjoy it, acknowledge it, and know that when a man does these things, he’s usually moving you out of the “hookup” category. Here are small changes a man makes when he’s becoming more serious about you.

Are Men Giving Up The Eggplant Too Easily?

July 5th, 2016 - By Charing Ball
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This post is about penises. Specifically, are women really worthy of their attention?

Yeah, I know: What kind of NO MA’AM (National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood) post is this?

Well, that’s what I said when I read a post on the blog The Game Is Sold Not Told entitled, “No More Easy D-ck ‘Women Must Pay Dues.'”

Yeah girl, the shenanigans…

The post is by blogger Ken Brisbon, and as the title suggests, he is sick and tired of being community ding-a-ling. More specifically, he became despondent after a lady friend of his made the flippant remark about how d-ck is free and she could get it anytime.

This upset Brisbon, who was under the impression that women were put on this earth for the sole purpose of fawning over his man parts. The sheer shock that there was at least one woman around who didn’t give a hot damn about his peter made him get all sorts of introspective. And then he got philosophical.

The thought of this doesn’t really sit well with me because I think about all the free d-ck that I gave away. I think about how many women had access to my d*ck, but they didn’t earn it. They didn’t prove themselves worthy to be in the bed with me, but I wasn’t thinking that at the time, because I was operating in thirst.

Operating in thirst clouds a man’s judgement. If a man is unable to master his sexual desire, he will never be able to totally access his human capital. A man’s human capital is his worth, it’s his essence, it’s a price tag that isn’t associated with money, however money is a byproduct of that man’s human capital.

As Brisbon would go on to say, there are four types of human capital a man has:

  • Experience (“He paid for it with trial and error, or he paid for it with his money, either way he paid for it, and since he paid for these experiences, women should pay him for his time.”)
  • Connections (“The relationships that this guy made will bleed over into the life of the woman he is dating, so now his connections become her connections.”)
  • Knowledge (“Men that have great knowledge should never dumb themselves down just to entertain women, the women must pay significant dues, because the acquisition of his knowledge cost him.”)
  • Health (“This man works too hard to allow himself to be in the company of a woman who is a slob.”)

As Brisbon would note, a man who doesn’t understand his human capital finds himself in plenty of trouble, including unwanted pregnancies and poor financial straits. As such, “Men have no value in the world, and even though this world is built on patriarchy, still some way somehow men are valueless. Women don’t value a man’s d-ck, that means she doesn’t value the man. A woman can be a low life and still get d-ck offers from a thousand men even though she isn’t even worth it.”

You know, why can’t men be emotionally mature enough to write a first-person post like, “How I learn to value and love myself”? Wouldn’t that be more honest than all of this penis and vagina talk?

But for real though, I don’t think it is actually a bad idea for men to think less with their penises and more with their actual heads. Far too often, the fellas define themselves by how promiscuous they can be, particularly with the opposite sex. And a little soul-searching to find out what they have to offer a woman beyond some strokes might do more to tear down patriarchy than all of the Susan B. Anthony commemorative marches combined.

However, I’m still not certain if Brisbon gets it all the of the way. In his essay, there is not talk about the importance of maintaining good emotional and mental health. There is not a single point made about holding other brothers accountable for the way in which their “human capital” is spent (men put just as much pressure on other men to be “easy” as women supposedly do). And he is still defining his worth by how women feel about his penis. This is most apparent in the line, “Women don’t value a man’s d-ck, that means she doesn’t value the man.” Newsflash: We are not supposed to value a man’s d-ck. We are supposed to value men, much in the same respects that we want them to value us (as something more than our vaginas).

But hey, the work has to start somewhere. I will say though, Brisbon has a long uphill battle with this one. There are p-rn shops and strip clubs in just about every major and minor town in America. Not to mention mainstream advertising as well as film and television that often plays into the animalistic lust of men. Brisbon may feel it is the fault of women for the reasons men come off so easy, but the reality is that it is society, which they created, that doesn’t really allow them to be anything else.


Charing Ball is a writer, cultural critic, free-thinker, slick-mouth feminist and queen of unpopular opinions from Philadelphia. To learn more, visit

When A Man Doesn’t Love Himself…

June 3rd, 2016 - By Charing Ball
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Admittedly, I have not been keeping up with Kenya Moore’s love life because I don’t really care.

However, the internet seems to be abuzz with the news that the 45-year-old “Real Housewives of Atlanta” cast member has broken up with her young tenderoni Matt Jordan.

According to Bossip, the 28-year-old personal trainer recently took to Instagram to share with “his fans” the reason why the two were no more. In short, she did not trust him and he didn’t trust himself. Perhaps it has something to do with him blabbing things on Instagram. But, again, I don’t care.

Anyway, here is the message in full (courtesy of YBF):

In spite of the fact that this post is about Kenya Moore who I have been over for a while, I have to say that I am quite impressed with his candor. This sort of introspection from men is quite rare but definitely refreshing.

And I know everyone’s impulse is to blame Moore, because she’s a woman and we are always to blame. And to be fair, she is a bit of a drama queen who regularly pull stunts for attention (ie. ratings). But I do believe Jordan when he says that this was not just an issue about her.

And color me naïve, but I believe this was a real relationship between two folks who were not equally yoked.

It could have been financial, which everyone in the comment section seems to believe it is. Or it could have been emotional, which I think is more the case. She really does make her own check and quite honestly, he didn’t add much to her storyline anyway. For all we know, Moore could have been perfectly content being the breadwinner in the relationship. But if a man is not comfortable in himself then you really can’t expect him to be good to anyone else.

And that is just a universal and inconvenient truth.

I mean, he basically owned up to it when he said: “I was in denial of my own flaws until late into the relationship. It caused me to feel untrusting in her because I did not feel that I had her FULL love and attention. I didn’t realize that I created my own circumstances…”

I don’t care how nice he is; how much he wines and dines you. I don’t care if your mamma likes him and your granddad does too. I don’t even care if he swears up and down he loves you. If he doesn’t feel like he has accomplished all he wanted or has gotten physically to the place he wants to be in life, he will always doubt your sincerity in loving him.

And this goes for us ladies too. I know there have been times in my life when I didn’t believe compliments and accolades because I didn’t think that person, or even boyfriend, giving them to me was telling me the truth. And the reason why I didn’t believe they were telling me the truth was because in those instances, I did not believe I deserved the compliments and accolades myself.

I’m not much into giving relationship advice. And I would suggest you never take any from the internet. Still, Jordan’s letter might help some folks out there heal and move on from wondering why a relationship is not working out.

Perhaps, it has nothing to do with how much love each of you have for each other. Perhaps it is about whether or not you fully love yourself first.

15 Signs You & Your Love Have Been In A Relationship For A Minute

September 18th, 2015 - By Tanvier Peart
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Dating is all good and everything, but think about how you felt when you first met that special someone you wanted to keep around. There’s something particularly sweet about knowing you might not have to search anymore and that you’re getting to know “the one.” Once some time has gone by, it becomes easier to feel as if you’re one unit and be in sync with one another’s needs without saying a word. Here are some signs you’ve been in a long-term relationship.

What’s The Point Of Committing In An Open Relationship?

August 24th, 2015 - By Tanvier Peart
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You can go ahead and label me a prude because this is something I don’t understand. How folks can have an open relationship or open marriage and get in their feelings when someone steps out, I’ll never know.

I found myself talking to a girlfriend about this very topic after “news broke” Will and Jada were headed for a divorce. Obviously, this was as real as folks still claiming to see Tupac, so we didn’t give that rumor mill much thought. However, a person who did come up was a mutual friend that we’ll just call Candace for the sake of trying to keep things kosher.

Out of the three of us, Candace was married the longest but had no children. Both she and her husband can’t stand them on the regular and wanted to fund their vacation account instead of future college needs. Some might think that goes against the grain of what’s expected in a marriage, but for Candace and her guy, it worked. They are anything but traditional.

Now I do my best not to judge (that’s a lie, sometimes I don’t lol), but it took some getting used to Candace and her ways. You see, she and her husband might have been married for eight years, but more than half of that time was spent as an open relationship. I’ll never forget asking her about her arrangement because to me, it didn’t make a bit of sense.

“Soo when you mean ‘open,’ it’s like one of you will be faithful until there’s someone you meet you want to smash?” I asked.

“I mean if you put it that way, yes,” replied Candace.

Before you come for me I need to tell you that she is the one who talks about her marriage. I’m so thankful to have my little Martin and Gina situation going strong (eight years together, three years married and two babies…Jesus!) given everyone in my family is divorced. While I do close my lip about folks’ relationships, there was something interesting about Candace in her setup. We have that kind of dialogue where it’s OK for me to ask questions. I might be the loud one out of our group, but when it comes to love and relationships, just call me Charlotte from “Sex and the City.”

Personally, I don’t understand why people get into open arrangements. I guess if you want to justify cheating — or completely remove it from the table so you can stay together — it might make sense.

Well dear Candace isn’t talking much about her marriage theses days.

They’re headed for divorce.

Remember that conversation I was having with my girlfriend about Will and Jada? Well, around that same time I noticed it had been days since we spoke to Candace about the ending of her marriage. Given I no longer live nearby to pay her a visit, I felt a bit helpless about the entire thing. The girlfriend I was speaking to has zero sympathy for her and oftentimes will tell her, “you brought this on yourself.” Sure I could kick a person when they’re down, but I just don’t think it’s right. Candace always knew what I thought about open relationships and how they can come to bite you on the butt, so why rub salt in an already messy wound?

Apparently, she found out her soon-to-be ex husband was messing with the same girl that ended up starting a new relationship on the side. I assume it was OK for them to mess around with other people so long as there were no feelings, but how can you guarantee something like this doesn’t happen?

I guess you can’t.

Thinking about open relationships and marriages made me take a look at my own situation. With the divorce rate so high, is this one of the reasons why couples remove the exclusive label from their union? Does everyone cheat so much that you now need to be OK with extra people having access to your spouse? Should people who constantly forgive a cheating spouse consider themselves to be in an open relationship?

The fact that I have all these da*& questions further lets me know an open relationship just isn’t where it is, at least not for me.

Honestly, I don’t think you can really get mad at someone for doing something you deemed OK, right? Rather than have an open relationship — and possibly bring STDs and other craziness into your life — it might be better to just stay single.


You’re Lucky I Love You: 14 Things Your Lover Did That Almost Got Them Killed

August 14th, 2015 - By Tanvier Peart
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As much as you love your boo thang and think they were never do wrong in your eyes, just wait. Sooner or later they’re bound to piss you off in some way. Of course this doesn’t mean you love them any less. Here’s a look at some fun relationship pet peeves that might anger you while making you smile in agreement.

It’s OK to have some fun when it comes to being upset.

Don’t Spill Too Much Tea: 10 Things That Are No One Else’s Business

August 12th, 2015 - By Tanvier Peart
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Certain things really don’t need to be other folks’ business. Too many of us are spilling the tea when it comes to our personal lives. Yes, it’s important to open up at times, but that doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone in your life what’s really going on. Here are some examples of things you might not want to share with other people.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Not About That Life: Why You Shouldn’t Hang Around Couples In Constant Drama

August 6th, 2015 - By Tanvier Peart
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Does anyone else find themselves in the center of someone else’s argument that makes you ask yourself, how in the hell did I get here? I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to letting folks in my inner circle, I am extremely picky, probably more than the government — and you know how hard it can be to land a job with them. This doesn’t mean I think of myself higher than anyone else. I just don’t enjoy drama, unless it’s on television.

I have quickly discovered that finding good friends you can double date with is impossible at times. Just when you think you found a good match, boom! It blows up in your face — including the girl, who you thought was your friend eyeing your guy because she doesn’t get the attention she needs at home.

We can talk about that another day.

Moving to a different state threw my social calendar in a loop. Not only did my husband and I leave our core friends when we moved away, but also had to find ways to juggle the needs of our child (we have since had another) and personal life. It was music to our ears when we were introduced to another couple who had a child. I tried my best not to whip out my phone and set up double dates into the following year. Things were OK at first as we had to navigate that awkward “getting to know you” stage. Just like a first date, you try your best to find compatibility that hints at a long-lasting relationship. This is where I think I jumped the gun as one or two things in common masked a whole lot of craziness.

Once the pleasantries began to wear off, I started to notice a change in the atmosphere. This couple who once was so happy to see each other would arrive to events separately — and even leave without uttering a few words to each other. At first I thought they had gotten into a fight prior to their arrival. After all, what couple doesn’t cuss each other out in the car from time to time before having to put on a smile for the public? I can understand that. But what was weird to me was that it happened every time we went out with them. Once at a mutual friend’s barbecue, the husband turned to me and asked, “why can’t my wife be more like you?”

Stop right there, it’s time to have a PSA. It’s never OK to compare your wife to someone else — especially in front of her face!

If you thought that was bad it turned out to be mild compared to the heat that came from their direction. There were times when my husband and I would literally sit between them as they argued back and forth about who made more money, whose mama was the worst (oh yes), along with that infamous question that sparked a Tyler Perry movie, Why Did I Get Married? Rather than take the easy way out by giving an excuse of how busy we were to hang, I made the decision to nip it in the bud.

“Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but we can’t get caught up in this,” I told the wife. “We’ll pray for y’all and everything, but this here is too much.”

I get that every couple goes through their ups and downs. As much as I want to think I married my Prince Charming, there are days when I question my sanity in saying “I do.” It happens. However, too much drama — to the point of being marriage counselors is not only bad for the arguing couple’s relationship (you don’t want all your tea in the streets), but also your own. Think about it: Have you ever spent time with someone who was always negative? After a while, it starts to lower your spirits a bit. If my guy and I are focused on trying to build up something good, the last thing we need is craziness in our inner circle that includes a grown man constantly throwing jabs about his wife behind her back.

There’s a big difference in my book between building each other up and allowing folks to zap your spirit — and with the divorce rate so high in this country, ain’t nobody got time for that.

What Happened To Taking Things Slow? 15 Signs You’re Moving Too Fast

August 5th, 2015 - By Tanvier Peart
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There’s nothing more beautiful than the start of a new relationship. Things are fresh and you have the chance to get to know someone on a more intimate level. Hopefully, you take things slowly, as moving too fast in a relationship can cost you emotional and financial pain.

15 Things Couples Should Do When Arguing

August 4th, 2015 - By Tanvier Peart
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There will be times in your relationship when things are great and times when you likely want to kill each other. That’s OK as long as you know how to take the good with the bad. Here are a few pointers on what couples should do when arguing.