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From Your Tango

There are many reasons to be in a long-distance relationship. Maybe you met the man of your dreams on spring break in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, and he happens to live in Seattle while you live in Atlanta. Whatever the reason, your relationship is basically restricted to online dating.

You not only miss your significant other, but you’re constantly tortured by watching other lovebirds who aren’t separated by state lines. Mastering the art of Skype sex is crucial to any long-distance relationship, but it only works if the two of you can stop breaking into hysterical laughter and eventually get turned on — resulting in a hot and heavy Internet sexcapade. Let’s take a look at how to have non-awkward Skype sex.

Read more at YourTango.com.

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From YourTango

There’s nothing worse than being forced to do something you don’t want to do … unless you also have to pay for it. Frequently, partners or spouses get dragged into counseling when they’d rather be almost anywhere else. (Prefer this article as a podcast? Click here.) The thought of talking to a stranger about feelings and intimacy appeals greatly to some, disgusts others and terrifies many.

Some people — especially men — believe that counseling couldn’t be a bigger waste of time, or that counseling is for crazy people, or that a counselor couldn’t possibly understand their situation or give them any worthwhile assistance.

Read more at YourTango.com.

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“Do you remember last year when we were hanging out at ___’s house and you said that I was shady?”

That’s what a former girlfriend said to me during a phone conversation last year where all my past faults were laid out on the table to nitpick over. Unfortunately for both this friend and me, I had no idea what she was talking about, and she couldn’t even remember the conversation that we had that led to this argument, which allegedly led to me calling her the s-word. Seeing as how I couldn’t recall such an incident and it seemed outside my character to even say something like that to anyone, I had to call her on bulls**t. She didn’t like that too much, probably as much as I didn’t like to be accused of things, nor did I like being expected to apologize for things I didn’t remember doing, so it’s safe to say we couldn’t come to an understanding. We haven’t spoken since.

As much as I hated the fact that my friend did such a thing to me, I can say that I’ve played the “Do you remember when you hurt me?” game with others. Boyfriends to be specific. After having a big blow up about something that hurt my feelings, I would let it go for the sake of ending an argument and pretend (though sometimes I thought I was over it) I had really moved on. Let my ex do something that he didn’t seem very apologetic about or that conjured up old feelings and I was ready to bring back up the past beef in an effort to prove a point about how awful I felt I was being treated in the relationship. Though I would watch my ex yell about the fact that I never let stuff go, at the time, I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. But when the tables were turned and my friend pulled out of her a** things that she either pretended to be over or held inside from me and others until she was ready to blow, I finally realized the error of my past ways. However, I’m not the only person who does this or has been through this. If you do this type of thing, know that while you might think you’re just simply getting things off of your chest, nobody wants to hear that s**t.

It’s extremely important to let people know how you’re feeling when you know that it isn’t something you’ll be ready to let go of soon. When you know it’s not as simple as, “Girl, you still haven’t returned my necklace,” but is more like, “Girl, you embarrassed me in front of my people and I don’t respect that,” the truth must come out. Not only is it good for your own health (who wants to hold all that anger in forever?), but it’s good for the health of your friendship or relationship. If you don’t put folks in check when they hurt you or disregard you, whether it’s intentionally or on accident, they’ll continue to do it. On top of that, they won’t be given the chance to learn from their mistakes and do better as a friend or partner before you’re ready to jump down their throat later. And from experience, I can say that you’ll never get the response you’re looking for from a person if you pull out a long list of grievances way after they’ve happened. It almost comes off as an attack even if you’re simply seeing it as the chance to communicate open and honestly with the person you care about. You can’t expect people to be excited about apologizing or explaining their reasoning for doing something that happened three years ago. Be happy if they can even remember whatever it is you finally decided to get off of your chest.

From my own experiences I can say that while you should know when to let things go (of course, not everything is that serious), it’s imperative to know when to open your mouth and let people know when you feel slighted. If you wait until much later to spill your guts, your feelings might not be met with such understanding, but rather, anger. Know when to open your mouth and be proactive, not passive aggressive (as in, don’t get mad about something and become unreliable, stop talking to folks and constantly complain about everything else because you’re disappointed). If you choose not to, don’t expect people to be so apologetic, because if you snooze, you lose.

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Anyone who knows me knows I am an absolute lover of gay culture ( I think they call it a “f*g hag,” but I’m not fond of the F-word), right down to my fondness for Lady Gaga, a fierce arched eyebrow and the nude beaches of Fire Island.  I love my ladies, but the truth is, gay guys have more fun and do they do it with impeccable flair.  I’ve attracted gay men in my bestie circle for as long as I can remember.  And while I like to think of myself as the most liberal rainbow flag flying ally I can imagine, I can’t help but still be confused by the concept of bisexuality.

I guess it’s because my experiences with my closest friends coming out have always been preceded by a prelude of bisexuality which I guess in a sense made me believe that bisexuality was some kind of bridge to all out homosexuality as opposed to a sexual preference in itself.  It was almost as if claiming bisexuality somehow made being gay easier to digest for others.  I can understand being sexually attracted to both sexes because sex can be as carnal or as completely physical as someone wants it to be.  Not everyone wants to always be catcher, sometimes you want to see what all of the positions on the baseball team feel like.

But pursuing a monogamous relationship on the other hand takes some level of commitment to a certain place on the field.  Worrying about my man getting excited every time something with soft skin and estrogen walks in the room is one thing, but to know that at any given moment he could get butterflies for the bouncer or the cocktail waitress, I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. What strangers choose to do in their bedroom is their own business, but what’s going on below the belt with my boyfriend is something I want the CarFax on, whether it’s a part of his past or his present.  And with me feeling like bisexuality is just the entrance ramp men take to the gay highway, dating a man with a bisexual past would make me feel like maybe a relationship with me is a last ditch attempt to truly make love work with a woman.

I’m well aware that there are all types of gay men, but we can’t deny that there are some stereotypes that gay men can’t seem to shake.  And as much as I love sipping lattes and shopping for skinny jeans with my gay guy pals, it might make me look at my boyfriend a little funny if he were to be bi.  I’m well aware that being attracted to other men doesn’t instantly make you a man-purse wearing, vogueing, card-carrying member of the LGBTQ culture and lifestyle, but there would be something about my guy possibly lusting after another dude that would bruise my attraction to all things alpha-male about him.

What bothers me even more is that this would be a completely different article if I were a heterosexual man writing about bisexual women. In fact, it might even be a top ten list titled, “Your Girlfriend’s Bi?  Here’s Ten Reasons Why You’re a Lucky Guy.”  In society’s eyes there is secretly something more hot and attractive about two women going at it as opposed to two men. Personally, I think that is the craziest double standard ever, but even so, the truth is that I’m not attracted to gay men.  I’ll shop with them in a heartbeat, but I hate feeling like I’ll be labeled “homophobic” because I don’t want to sleep with them.

When Gavin Rossdale confirmed rumors that flew about his former teen fling with a cross-dressing pop-star named Marilyn, I couldn’t help but wonder how Gwen Stefani felt.  Was she ashamed?  Did she question her own attractiveness?  Did she feel like their relationship was built on a lie?  Even much drooled actor Tom Hardy confessed to having flings with men in the past. But surprisingly, many women don’t share my same sentiment. In a YourTango article titled, “48% of You Would Date a Bisexual Man” readers revealed that bisexuality wasn’t a huge deal breaker when it came to dating a man. “Everyone falls somewhere on The Kinsey Scale (0 “exclusively heterosexual” to 10 “exclusively homosexual”), so I basically assume that most of us have either experimented or at least fantasized about it,” says Rachel, a 34-year-old writer.  Other readers expressed that adolescent experimentation or an isolated incident of bisexuality was acceptable, but an out-and-out declaration of bisexuality might leave them too distracted by the idea of their partner having a variety of options to actually be able to invest in a relationship.  The issue is that when it comes to monogamy, you’re kind of forced to choose unless you want have a plural marriage, so inevitably I would think that you would have to be attracted to one sex more than the other. If that’s the case, is that truly the line between heterosexuality and homosexuality?

I must say that bi-sexuality is a completely different beast that I still have a hard time understanding.  I understand the possibility of being sexually attracted to both sexes and even maintaining sexual relationships with both genders, but what happens when it comes to pursuing a real monogamous relationship? Maybe I need to get out more, but I still can’t help feeling that bisexuality is a red flag of a sexual preference with a little less variety.

Could you date a man who was admittedly bisexual? 

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and   parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women  build  their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual  health. She  also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from  beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter  @TheTrueTSharee or visit  her blog Bullets and Blessings .

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From Hello Beautiful

Yes, both men and women can be guilty of things that not only make a harmonious union more of a challenge, but sometimes even sabotage the whole relationship.

That said, there are some very male-specific habits and behaviors that many women agree need to be worked on…not only for women’s happiness, not only to strengthen the beautiful union you’re trying to build together, but even to help both of you be healthier.

Read more at HelloBeautiful.com.

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From Your Tango

Doesn’t the fall season make you cherish your relationship a little more? After a summer of sweltering temperatures, which can bring out even the temper in even the most mild-mannered couples, the cool breezes of fall are a nice change. We’ve thought of some date ideas for you and your man to make fall a little bit sweeter: It’s the perfect time to go on an outdoor apple-picking date or indulge in some fall treats. So throw on those sweaters and add some sugar to your life with these fall date ideas.

Read more at YourTango.com.

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From Hello Beautiful

I am so exhausted by statements like, “I’m just being honest”, “I’m keeping it real” and “you know I keep it 100” because 90% of the time it is an excuse to say some really dumb ish out of your mouth and then abandon all personal accountability for the nonsense.

Recently, I was in a conversation with a sistah and her fiancé. They are moderately upscale, professional, college educated, upper-middle class savvy socialites and overall, a cool pair to hang out with. While sipping on cocktails at an über-chic bar, the topic of self-care and taking care of your mate came up.

Read more at HelloBeautiful.com.

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• Loose Lipped Lovers: 10 Celeb Men Who Kiss & Tell
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From Your Tango

Hi ladies! If you’ve been on an online dating site for a while and have yet to find that special someone or you’ve just joined then this is for you. We’re going to give you the scoop on what works and what doesn’t. We want to show you how to make your profile as attractive as you can to the widest selection of men possible.  That way it’s within your power to choose who you want to date.

Let’s start with your images. Think of your photos as the cover of your autobiography. If a picture is worth a 1000 words then a well-chosen image can open an abundance  of conversation with that special someone. We recommend taking your images outdoors. Morning or evening light makes for some great shots. Regardless of where you take your images make sure you have a friend take them for you.

Read more at YourTango.com.

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I am 31 years old, I don’t want children, I’m on the fence about marriage and I’ve been in a relationship for almost a year without any motive. I want to be with my man, I enjoy being with him but is a relationship without an end point or motive a selfish one?

Recently I was eavesdropping on a train conversation during my daily commute. Two young women, who appeared to be a few years younger than I, were discussing why an impending proposal should happen. From what I gathered it didn’t seem that they were certain that one of them was going to get proposed to, but it was obvious that the time for a proposal was upon one of them.

“You guys have been together for three years, you’re at marriage age and he’s older, it should be coming soon…” How long before one starts thinking about a marriage proposal? What’s the “marriage age”? More importantly, am I a floosy if none of the above matters to me?

I would love a life partner that I know. I do not want to be alone forever but I don’t mind my moments of living single.  Sometimes I wonder about my motives, I wonder if my reluctance to set any goals or want the same things that “all women” want is me running away from those things. But the more I think about it, the more I don’t think so!

I’m not afraid of children, but at this point in my life babies aren’t for me and no matter how old I get I’m not going to force myself into believing that they are.  I love the idea of long-term partnerships but I’m not quite ready to jump over the broom just yet. A few years ago I didn’t have to apologize for this, a few years ago when I was in my twenties I didn’t feel judged when I expressed this view, but right now at 31 I have to defend my motive-less loving and living.

I believe things happen when they’re suppose to, I want a proposal to come because the love is that deep, because I’ve decided that this, is, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and if that takes ten years or two, that’s what it takes. Forever is a very long time and I don’t know if I could put a time frame on how long I should be with someone before I make the commitment to be with “him” forever.

I’m also well aware that forever may never come, but what am I rushing to? Who am I trying to beat in what race and for those who set up a time frame, once it does happen, what happens next? And if it doesn’t happen in the time frame you want, then what?

When I meet women and men who are all about the goal or getting to the end point of the relationship and can’t figure out why it isn’t going in the direction they’ve planned, I can’t help but wonder is that because they’re too busy directing and not living in that relationship.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get married and having children, there’s nothing wrong with setting a timeline for those beautiful things to happen for you but sometimes you have to fall back and let it happen and not make it a deadline!

If I had motive in my relationships I would be jumping ahead to that thing, be it a marriage proposal and/or children, I’d be skimming over the relationship and focused on my motive and when I got there I’d be wondering, what now? I’m not saying that’s what everyone’s doing, but next time someone gives me the side eye, that’s what I’ll tell them and if you’re like me you and someone questions your way of doing things, say that it’s not that you’re afraid to commit or are loose or hate children, you’re just making sure you’re prepared for what comes after. Besides, forever is a very long time, I can take my time!

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At what point do you listen to a girlfriend’s stories about her trifling man, or trifling ex man, and stop caring?

Okay, okay, let me rephrase. Maybe you’re not necessarily indifferent to the pain she’s going through, but you realize that this is the umpteenth conversation you both have had about this worthless brotha and the sympathetic feelings you used to share with her are running on “E.” This happens to many women, and it actually put a rift in the friendship between my mother and an old friend. Probably because she told her what she didn’t want to hear: the truth. My mom has a way of being blunt like that, but every now and then, I realize that we need these type of people in our lives…

My mother’s friend had been going through divorce proceedings with the man she had spent more than 20 years married to, and bore two children with. Single in her 50s, she had recently started to try her hand at dating again and got herself a new place and a new attitude. Or so my mother thought, that was until she started bringing up old ish again. During a conversation about this woman’s old life and new life, she spoke about her ex-husband, a serial cheater with girlfriends all over the place, including in other countries. Somehow, during the discussion, while she was ranting about what she had to deal with when it came to her ex, the woman for some reason felt it necessary to tell my mother she couldn’t have handled her ex, as he was some different kind of beast.

He’s not, folks. He might have been mean, but he’s just a simple fella who likes women too much.

The comment was also not cool seeing as my mother wasn’t dealing with the softest brotha in the world. My parents’ marriage, which brought about four children, and lasted through the death of one,  job loss and more, has not been a cake walk. As much as I love my daddy, I know he’s put my mother through some ish, and as much as I love my mom, I know she can be a lot to deal with from time to time. So when my mother’s friend implied that my mom wouldn’t have lasted with my mother as if she had never been through anything at all, she gave her the real: “You’re right, I wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to go through all that.”

Post that conversation, they haven’t talked since.

Good intentions, but it was a bad idea to tell ‘ol girl. She took my mother’s comment as disrespect, but it was the truth. That kind of truth that’s a wake up call. After listening for years to her friend talk about the rare ups and many downs of her marriage, my mother knew exactly what her friend had went through, and she told her that after noticing it was the same ish happening repeatedly, she allowed it. He had been cheating for years, and even joked about it when my mother’s friend was around! Their kids were grown and out of the house, so there was no reason to stick around for them–she had stayed put for too much bulls**t, so she allowed a lot of the crap she dealt with to happen.

I think the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times, and I’m cutting your a**.” Okay, so the last part I added on, but I’m sure you’ve heard that first bit before. It means, when something bad happens in a relationship like a man cheating on you, and you find out, it makes you very aware of the state of your relationship and the kind of person you’re dealing with. If you stick around and it keeps happening, then it might be safe to say that you’re setting yourself up for failure, and allowing yourself to deal with such a shoddy man and situation. This is why people were confused at the idea that Mimi Faust of “Love and Hip Hop ATL,” a beautiful, intelligent woman, could stick with Stevie J on and off for 15 years after his philandering ways (which she said included an array of women, and multiple baby mommas), or the same reason you get the sad face at a friend who goes back to a man who is no good and berates her and her self-esteem on the regular, or get disappointed with the homie who is happy about getting pregnant to her husband who she knows, as does everyone else, can’t keep his ding dong in his pants, ring on his finger or not. They’re all examples of people watching the sky, waiting for it to green when it’s proven that it won’t.

Love is a powerful thing, and all the paragraphs above are not to say that people don’t change, because some can. Sometimes folks can realize the pain they put their loved ones through and make things right: they stop the yelling, or the cheating, and all the blatant disrespect. But when they don’t, sometimes it’s time to stop patting your friend’s back and start shaking her. If the latter is too much (I was sort of kidding), stick to letting her know that her worth is more than what her man is treating her like and that by allowing herself to go through such pain, she’s only hurting herself. Hell, if this situation is your and not your girfriend’s, shake yourself and do better. You deserve it.

*Images courtesy of Thinkstock.com

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