Madame Noire | Black Women's Lifestyle Guide | Black Hair | Black Love

This week on The Luv Coach, Coach Brody advises a woman whose looking to get back into dating after so many years in a relationship. Read on and weigh in:

Dear Luv Coach,

I am a 34 year old mother of two, who after a bitter break up with my fiancé/father of my children finds herself now ready to get back in the dating world but I really don’t know how. Although we broke up 3 years ago, I took some time and reveled in singledom. I lost about 140 lbs, got my career back on track, purchased a home and moved to a nice suburb on my own. I committed to celibacy to get my mind clear and my body whole. I do go on a few dates from time to time but I feel like since I left the man I dated since I was 14, I have no idea how to handle men. I don’t want to have a purely physical relationship, but I also don’t want to pay for the mistakes that other women have done to men. I really don’t like the impersonal vulgarities of texting or random emails from men who really don’t want to do more than talk on the phone or exchange e-mails in order to boost their egos. How exactly do you date in this day and age when it seems all people want and talk about is sex?

-Nancy

Black women often get a bad rap in the court of public open. We’re stereotyped as being sassy and loud, aggressive and uncompromising, or cold and overly independent. But we know the truth. Like all women, we wear many hats. There are times when we must be tough.  Conversely, we are loyal, doting and, on occasion, too lax with kicking the Negroes we love to the curb.

Yep, we’ve watched Sex and the City, Love Jones and Something Borrowed…and it has us all pining over our very own happily ever afters. However, contrary to New Edition’s lyrics (you know, “If it isn’t love, why does it feel so bad”), soul mates don’t hurt.

Here are some prime examples of what love doesn’t look like.

1.     He doesn’t invite you to meet his family during the holidays. Ok, ladies. Even if he has beef with his mommy or is embarrassed by his dad, the point is simple. He is supposed to care enough about you — and how you feel about assessing where he comes from — to bring you around.

2.     He won’t visit your family. Shy or not, a man who is serious is willing to gather his courage and present himself to your family. Yes, they will be evaluating him. But if his intentions are honorable it shouldn’t matter.

3.     He compartmentalizes your time together. A person who is serious about integrating you into his life does it.  You should not only be an element in his life. You should be part of it.

This week, Coach Rebecca Brody helps a reader determine how her potential lover really feels about her despite his dire circumstances. Read on and weigh in.

Dear Luv Coach,

I have a very complicated love issue. I have been sexually involved with a man named *z*. We have been “friends with benefits” since April of this year. We are also members of the same church! Shocking huh? Anyways, we have excellent chemistry together with or without the sex. I would love to pursue a relationship with him and he with me (at least that’s what I think) but he is homeless and I don’t think a relationship is on his mind.

I hate seeing him out there like that and I will do anything for him just to keep him afloat. That’s just how much I love him. I guess my question is… How do I decipher if I am someone that he desires just to get by in this phase in his life or am I really someone that he truly cares about or really loves? Am I just playing myself short?

Please help me!!

-Necarrus

Would you ever consider dating your friend’s ex? Would you do it under certain circumstances? See what these New Yorkers had to say about it!

Glenn Close as Alex in “Fatal Attraction.” Do not become an Alex!

Companionship is something we were built for; it’s a part of human nature. The longing to lock arms and exchange sweet smiles is not to be ignored. Finding love is important and we should keep ourselves open to possibilities.

However, we should not be so inviting that we appear desperate. Standards and politesse need always apply. No man wants a woman who is desperate. It is most attractive to seem desirable and confident. So, assume the correct position when hunting for men. When and with whom it is meant to be will happen. The key is remaining open and opportunistic. Here are a few tips for looking open to love without coming off as desperate:

Sometimes, sex within the context of marriage can become boring and stagnant.  Due to the busyness of life, some married couples find themselves having sex at the same predetermined times during the week.  The same old sexual positions appear to be the normative.  One of these keys to reduce the frequency and duration of dullness and invariability relative to sex is to try spontaneous, exciting and brand new things that will restore youthful passion.  This is absolutely essential for the sustenance of a healthy marriage.  A risky yet great setting where married couples can implement their newfound spontaneity is in the office.

It may prove beneficial if you and your spouse can pay each other surprise visits at your respective offices and find one of the following spots to engage in frisky, wild and mind-blowing sex.  The following list is not all-inclusive, but it does represent a few places in the office setting where you and yours can have some spontaneous, risky and exhilarating fun.

Bitterness is a hateful and spiteful condition of the heart that evolves out of being wronged or thinking that one has been mistreated.  It involves continual contemplation of hurtful things done to you, which typically results in displaced anger that never seems to go away.  Within the context of marriage, there are a plethora of wives who dwell on what their husbands have done to them, which continuously feed the poisonous root of bitterness.  Left unchecked, this poisonous root can lead to unhealthy harvests of emotional pain, arguments, wrath and ultimately divorce, in some instances.

The following list of bitter thoughts is not all-inclusive, but these rationalizations do represent some of the worst that wives can dwell and act upon relative to their marriage.  In lieu of letting bitterness adversely affect your health and your marriage, it is important to cast away such negative thoughts when wronged and to let go of your anger before the sun goes down each day.

Stay tuned for more topics, comment or write us at editors@madamenoire.com if you have suggestions!

Embarking on a lifelong journey with your loved one comes with many pleasures, but there are also several pains—growing pains. Even after dating for years, there are some things you will never know until you live with someone and they completely let down their guard. Something about marriage changes relationships and says, “I don’t have to worry about this anymore.” The pressures of dating are gone. Things you have avoided, like passing gas in front of your boyfriend, will inevitably happen in front of your husband. While you may have thought he was a fairly clean man, you may notice brown streaks in his undies.

Newlyweds tend to have the silliest arguments that, if left untreated, turn into irreconcilable differences. If you are aware of the bumps in the road before they happen, it is easier to prepare ahead of time and get yourself ready for the journey of marriage—not just the wedding. Here’s how:

So you finally got a man worth a damn. No more crying into your martini glass with your girls at Friday night happy hour.  No more doing unnatural things with your body pillow at night. You got a real life man, girl! Congratulations!  Now all you have to do is make that man love you. Men don’t just fall in love like women do, most times they need a little shove. Here are 10 ways to send him over the edge…of the cliff of love.

As the state of interracial unions becomes more prevalent in modern society, black-white relationships continue to stir deep conversations. For the most part, mainstream culture seems to have a handle on black-white unions despite the ugly chapter of slavery in the United States. For race matters to transcend into a more progressive front would be a positive for all human beings involved (yes, that means you).

Of course, there has been significant response to black men dating and/or marrying white women, but, the case of white men with black women is broadening. As we progress further into our journey of a world without race-specific love, white men seem to be loving their “brown-skinned” sisters more than ever.

Here is a historical preview…

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