All Articles Tagged "love advice"
The man with the well-manicured mustache has all the funnies and now, apparently all the answers when it comes to love. Steve Harvey, the self professed love guru to the everyday woman and author of the best-selling book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man uses his show as a platform to answer women’s most pressing issues and questions regarding men. So what, pray-tell, gives Steve the right to think he’s the expert on relationships? I mean, the king of comedy dresses in swagger-esque suits that fit like a glove, but does he fit into this love advisor role so easily? Especially since he’s on his third marriage, and has claims of abuse thrown at him from his ex-wife.
Regardless of those accusations, people shouldn’t be quite so quick to disregard Steve’s advice. Sure, some of it is a little left-field, but there are times when he’s been dead-on. Here are a few book quotes that prove we should lend Steve our ears and hear at least some of what he has to say.
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Men may seem like they don’t want to communicate, and that they definitely don’t want to communicate about relationships, but there is one guy that would be happy to chime in on your love life—your dad! Dads aren’t solicited enough for love advice, when they can be a wealth of knowledge. Here’s why:
While reading the article by Single Black Male that Madame Noire published today called “Five Things About Women I’ll Teach My Son,” I got to thinking about what I would teach my own daughter about men. My own mother didn’t directly tell me things about men and how to carry myself in the dating world, but I sure would have appreciated some guidance. Needless to say, we get all types of messages (directly or indirectly) from the women in our lives and the themes in the media. (Check out Veronica Wells’ recent piece: They’re All Liars and Other Lessons I Learned About Men)
There’s certainly a lot of mixed messages out there and I’ve realized that all the popular isms about relationships aren’t necessarily true and all the guides about dating are not 100 percent on point and that at the end of the day, it just is what it is. So how would I distill my thoughts about men and relationships to my own future daughter? Here are just a few things I think she should know for sure.
Judge A Man By His Actions, Not His Words
This little tip can apply to all human beings, but I think it just rings truer when you’re talking about a potential suitor. There is a “game” out there which many folks in the dating matrix engage. Be wary. Don’t ever try to rationalize a man’s feelings and his intentions based on his words, because at the end of the day, it’s what he does and how he treats you that matters.
Don’t Play The Game
You will hear a lot about the rules of dating. You may hear that you should seem unavailable and not accept a date unless it’s made a week in advance or not return his first call. But ask yourself, do you want a man that you have to play games with or do you want your true equal? The man you truly will connect with will be above all of this, and there’s no need to convince him of your worth through mental games.
Men Are Fragile
I had to learn the hard way how fragile a man’s ego is, but believe it or not, men are more fragile than women. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s something to keep in mind. I don’t want you to use this as an excuse to undermine your own qualities, but you should know that relying on him isn’t a burden, it’s an honor. For him to act as your protector is the highest honor. Treat that honor accordingly.
He Is A Reflection Of You
I will hope that you attract a man who has just as much character and integrity as you do. BUT, if I hear you complain about your significant other, I will ask you “what is your part in attracting this relationship or behavior?” We all make choices. We all make mistakes. But if you feel that the man you are with is not worthy of your love, then I would recommend that you look inside yourself and make sure you reflect the qualities that you want to attract or enforcing the standards that you hold your highest self to.
He Is Human
Sometimes, it’s hard to remember that the man romancing you or breaking your heart is a complicated being, but he is. You’ll never know exactly why someone you treated so well couldn’t continue with the relationship or why someone who showed interest couldn’t step up to the plate. It’s important to keep in mind that you’ll never know everything about another person and their own private battles. As long as you are doing your part to upholding your own standards, everything will work out.
What do men want? I don’t know. Love, sex, a corn beef sandwich on rye perhaps?
We see article after article about what men really want in a relationship. And I’m personally like, who cares? Call me jaded but whenever I used to be concerned about what the opposite sex wanted or ways of thinking is when I would find myself in the most undesirable of situations.
He was tall, brown skinned with dreads down his back. A former college basketball player now turned after-school youth counselor and very much sought after by ladies between the ages of 16 to 60. Yeah, he was that fine and on one cloudy summer day, I had caught his eye.
We were at a community festival, working the table for some playground committee we both served on. I was new to the committee. Therefore I was solely on duty to hand out information about our activities and program. He came later on, saw me, walked over and whispered in this deep baritone voice, “So when are you going to let me have your number?” Ooh Wee. My co-committee member had told me that Mr. Tall & Handsome had his eyes on me, but warned that he was a lady killer. Naw, that ain’t going to happen to me, I’ve been celibate and reading books about the ways to a man’s heart. I was smarter and thanks to all my reading, prepared. I played it cool because that’s what my book told me to do.
Everything I read said that it is best to keep a man waiting and guessing, never showing him your hand and most importantly, never seem eager. But as the sun began to set on the festival, my admirer became more persistent. So after the fifth time of asking me for my number, which by advice of the relationship expert was two more times needed, I decided that I would not give him my number – instead I asked him for his number, since men like it when a woman takes charge – this again, according to the relationship experts.
Later on that evening, we were on the phone. The relationship experts said it is important to maintain an air of mystery, because men like mysterious women, so when Mr. Tall & Handsome asked me about myself, I kept it cool and mostly hushed. And when he told me about what he was into, which was mostly basketball, I feigned interest even though I was into football and my only knowledge of the game started and ended at the team colors. But the experts said that men liked women who shared in their interest.
I went through so many changes based upon what I thought he wanted. I would listen closely, picking up hints and changing myself appropriately. He said that he was partial to the color purple, so I found ways of incorporating that color scheme into my wardrobe. He said that for health reasons, he didn’t eat red meat, so I got rid of all the hamburger meat, beef sausage and bacon in the freezer. He said that he was really into metaphysics, whatever that is, so I went to the library and sat for hours, pondering the ambiguity of Schrödinger’s cat. And he said that he was partial to women with dreadlocks. And that’s the story about how I ended up locking my hair.
Anyway, Mr. Tall & Handsome would get tired of me eventually and move on. Besides not being ready for anything permanent (which I promptly ignored because all the relationship advice I’d read said that every man can change and it was our duty as women to convince them), he also said that he was hoping I would change his mind. However, I didn’t seem to have a mind of my own. Ouch that stung. But he was right. I was so occupied with trying to fit his ideal image of the kind of woman that I thought he wanted, I forgot to really listen. I hated basketball and the only purple I liked was the movie. So was there anything about him, besides being tall and handsome, which met my list of wants and needs? And more importantly, what were my wants and needs?
Steve Harvey, Michael Baisden and a slew of other prominent relationship experts have made very fruitful careers explaining to women the ins and outs of what is on a man’s mind. And although Harvey and the rest are indeed men, they are only a few men and can’t represent fully the thinking of all men. Therefore, the only kind of man that you will likely attract with Harvey’s advice is someone like Harvey. Now, if you are into high top fades and colorful suits with 52 buttons on the inside sleeve alone, then perhaps you will find some value in what they have to say. However, for the rest of us, with more varied tastes in men, their advice is a little unhelpful.
Plus, it is simply a waste of time to even try to think about all the different things on a man’s mind. For one, men don’t really go around begging to know what women want. If they did, it would be a slew of female relationship experts exploiting that question for fame as well. Most men I know think they already know what women want. Matter of fact, if you were to ask a dude what women want, he is likely to say, his package. Okay I jest – sort of. I actually had a male friend, who said that to me before. “For real though, it’s not like we don’t care what women think, it is just we just don’t think about it much. We think about ourselves.”
As I have matured some in my relationships with the opposite sex, I have come to realize that most men will tell you what they are looking for. And as such, it is our jobs to not only believe them but also to be as honest and upfront in our dating as well. Forget about wanting to know what they think, I need to know how a potential partner could satisfy my needs. Can he be loyal and trustworthy? Can he make me laugh? Is he smart and cultured? Does he like football and beef sausages? It is about you as much as it is about them. And if what he tells you sounds like exactly what you need–go for it. But if not, well in the words of Jay-Z, on to the next one. It’s really that simple.
More on Madame Noire!
- Damn Mr. Right, I Need Mr. Right Now! 7 Signs You’re Too Thirsty For Someone To Put A Ring On It
- Bet You Didn’t Know: Secrets Behind The Making Of “Why Do Fools Fall In Love”
- When Girl Crushes Go Wrong: The Thirst Of Wanting To Fit In
- When Pretty Girls Wear The Wrong Make-Up! 10 Celebs Who Can’t Get Their Faces Right
- Where Are They Now? Contestants from “The White Rapper Show” & “Miss Rap Supreme”
- C’Mon Now: Black Celebrities That White Folks Mistake For One Another (But They DON’T Look Alike…)
- Cuz I Said So! Celebs We Don’t Like…Just Because We Don’t!
Ladies, ladies, ladies when are we going to stop falling for the okey-doke and realize when we are being fed a bunch of bull. I know you probably think you are much smarter than that and there is no way you could get caught up in a web of deceit. But no one is immune from being blinded by love and lies.
Many of you have emailed me your questions and concerns regarding men in “situations” who you are dating. Here are your answers decoded…
He told you – “We sleep in separate rooms”: This is usually said to make you feel like you are the only one sleeping with him. But what he really means is his wife/girlfriend no longer wants him sleeping next to her in their bed so he is uncomfortably resting his head on the couch or guest room.
He told you – “I’m looking for a place”: What he is trying to say is he has been fantasizing about the single life to the point of even daydreaming of having a bachelor pad to call his own. This man is going absolutely nowhere. The only way he is getting his own place is if his wife/girlfriend kicks him out.
He told you – “I’m with her for the kids”: This is an easy one. It’s cheaper to keep her. Men are far from stupid and when it comes to protecting their money they are pure geniuses. He knows he will pay a fortune if he walks away from his current family situation to be with you. So, in his defense this not 100% bull, there is some truth to it.
He said – “I owe her” - What he really means is that even though she may not have been with him “shooting in the gym” she definitely was around way before he was. Plainly speaking, she has stuck with him through his good times and bad times and he will forever be loyal to her by never leaving. He may play around with you but his allegiance will always be with her.
If you have something you wanted decoded, shoot me an email at rhooks@madamenoire or find me on twitter @rashanahooks
This week on The Luv Coach, Coach Brody advises a woman whose looking to get back into dating after so many years in a relationship. Read on and weigh in:
Dear Luv Coach,
I am a 34 year old mother of two, who after a bitter break up with my fiancé/father of my children finds herself now ready to get back in the dating world but I really don’t know how. Although we broke up 3 years ago, I took some time and reveled in singledom. I lost about 140 lbs, got my career back on track, purchased a home and moved to a nice suburb on my own. I committed to celibacy to get my mind clear and my body whole. I do go on a few dates from time to time but I feel like since I left the man I dated since I was 14, I have no idea how to handle men. I don’t want to have a purely physical relationship, but I also don’t want to pay for the mistakes that other women have done to men. I really don’t like the impersonal vulgarities of texting or random emails from men who really don’t want to do more than talk on the phone or exchange e-mails in order to boost their egos. How exactly do you date in this day and age when it seems all people want and talk about is sex?
Black women often get a bad rap in the court of public open. We’re stereotyped as being sassy and loud, aggressive and uncompromising, or cold and overly independent. But we know the truth. Like all women, we wear many hats. There are times when we must be tough. Conversely, we are loyal, doting and, on occasion, too lax with kicking the Negroes we love to the curb.
Yep, we’ve watched Sex and the City, Love Jones and Something Borrowed…and it has us all pining over our very own happily ever afters. However, contrary to New Edition’s lyrics (you know, “If it isn’t love, why does it feel so bad”), soul mates don’t hurt.
Here are some prime examples of what love doesn’t look like.
1. He doesn’t invite you to meet his family during the holidays. Ok, ladies. Even if he has beef with his mommy or is embarrassed by his dad, the point is simple. He is supposed to care enough about you — and how you feel about assessing where he comes from — to bring you around.
2. He won’t visit your family. Shy or not, a man who is serious is willing to gather his courage and present himself to your family. Yes, they will be evaluating him. But if his intentions are honorable it shouldn’t matter.
3. He compartmentalizes your time together. A person who is serious about integrating you into his life does it. You should not only be an element in his life. You should be part of it.
This week, Coach Rebecca Brody helps a reader determine how her potential lover really feels about her despite his dire circumstances. Read on and weigh in.
Dear Luv Coach,
I have a very complicated love issue. I have been sexually involved with a man named *z*. We have been “friends with benefits” since April of this year. We are also members of the same church! Shocking huh? Anyways, we have excellent chemistry together with or without the sex. I would love to pursue a relationship with him and he with me (at least that’s what I think) but he is homeless and I don’t think a relationship is on his mind.
I hate seeing him out there like that and I will do anything for him just to keep him afloat. That’s just how much I love him. I guess my question is… How do I decipher if I am someone that he desires just to get by in this phase in his life or am I really someone that he truly cares about or really loves? Am I just playing myself short?
Please help me!!
Would you ever consider dating your friend’s ex? Would you do it under certain circumstances? See what these New Yorkers had to say about it!