All Articles Tagged "looking for love"
Y’all know we love Kim Coles around here. She’s been the homie in our head since her “In Living Color” days and she solidified the spot playing the quirky and kind-hearted Synclaire James. So I, and then we when I shared the news with the other MN editors, were elated to learn that Ms. Coles recently got engaged to Reggie Mckiver, a holistic health expert.
Coles made the announcement on her Facebook page.
We really are happy for not only her but the women who will be encouraged by her story. Most of y’all reading this are women, so I don’t have to tell you about the pressure our mothers, our society and even we ourselves put on being married and having kids. And to do it all by 30. But bayybee (in my Mo’Nique preaching voice) there is no time limit to love. And if we all could just get to the mental space where we’re blocking out all the unnecessary (and generally unhelpful) noise about how we should lead our distinctly unique lives, perhaps we’d find they’d be filled with a lot less anxiety about things we really have little control over in the first place.
“I want to tell you how he found me. I got real focused on what I wanted in my personal life and the type of man I wanted to spend my life with. I like to have this conversation around finding your GPS or engaging your GPS, your divine GPS…I’ve made it mean something completely different. Gratitude, passion and success… See last year, I got really focused on the destination I wanted to have in my personal life. And by being really focused with that and setting my destination in that place, I was able to be in alignment with the man who showed up and the man who said I’m there too and I want that too…
I’m telling you I am beating every statistic. I am 53 years old and we are not supposed to get married after what 20, 25, 30 maybe? Yeah… that’s not true. I don’t follow any of those rules. I’ve never thought any of those rules applied to me and those rules don’t apply to you either.”
Kim goes on to say that she’s teaching a course on how to align yourself to get what you want out of life. And without having taken the course and having just read a bit about it, I can gather that she doesn’t mean looking and searching for a man, putting all your energy into the hunt; but rather making sure that you are the type of person you’re looking for. So if and when the man you desire presents himself, you’ll be ready, willing and able to receive love in a very healthy way.
We’ve heard this advice before. Like attracts like. Love yourself first and then love will enter your life. And admittedly, sometimes it sounds cliche and oversimplified. But it also makes a lot of sense too.
When you focus on working on yourself first, timelines become obsolete. How long does it take a person to love him or herself? It depends. Putting the goal or quest of finding romantic love in the context of finding and loving yourself first, gives us a much longer time frame to get it right.
So again, congratulations to Kim Coles and hopefully her story can and will be used to inspire some of us all.
Clubs are a great place to party; but are usually not the number one place love connections are made. Note: there is a difference between a genuine love connection and a booty call. The latter can almost always be found at a club, in case that’s what you’re looking for; but if you’re looking for more, you have to consider the places you’re searching.
I’ve met a lot of guys at parties and the club; but none of the relationships ever went past a phone call or a couple of dates. Usually things end like this because the guy calls me the wrong name when he contacts me the next day because he’s probably collected too many numbers. Or sometimes, the connection falls short because he doesn’t seem as attractive on the inside or outside like when I took his number in the dimly-lit club.
Consider this: The place you meet your future boo shouldn’t be the place you want him to stop going after you start dating. Basically, if he frequents the clubs when you meet him, he may not be ready to give that up just because he’s with you. After all, that is the place the two of you first encountered one another.
This is not to say that no love connections are made in the club; but it’s typically not the place you should go to seek out a romantic encounter. There are plenty of good places to meet good men. And usually it’s best to search where the two of you would have a common interest. If you love jazz, go to more venues that highlight that type of music and vibe. If you could live in a book all day, go to a bookstore to meet your future bookworm boo. Or if you want a man of God or at least one who is trying to be, then you should probably attend more church outings (don’t sit in service peeping the scene, that’s not the time or place). If you’re not sure where to start, join the Single’s Ministry at your church.
While I wish that I knew all of the best places to find men, I don’t. I do know that every woman looking for love should be more mindful of the places they’re looking. I’ve heard so many of my friends and at times myself, say we hope we meet a good guy while going out to a not-so-good place. So before you give up and say that there simply aren’t any good men out there, evaluate the places you go and have been looking.
Are you guilty of looking for love in all the wrong places?
I used to be in love with being in love. There, I said it. I was secretly a helpless romantic in spite of my hard exterior, so sometimes this clouded my vision and altered my decisions. Oddly, when I was not in a relationship or seriously dating, I had my priorities in order. I focused on me, my career, my spirituality, and family and friends; but the minute I thought I had found Mr. Right, my priorities would become all wrong. And not that it makes me feel any better, but I’ve realized that many women go through moments like this.
Relationships should be complimentary to an already whole person. And while this sounds cliché, it’s true. The thing is, some women equate wholeness to finances, jobs, health, etc. However, deep down, some of us have a lingering feeling that life will get better when our men come along. If this is this case, usually a relationship will only interfere with priorities until we truly feel whole without a boo.
When I finally got out of debt (well, almost), became successful in my career and learned how to cook more than one dish, I thought I was ready for a relationship. Life was good, but in my head I wasn’t living because I was single. This mentality usually carried over into my dating life. Every man that I dated, I was secretly sizing up as my husband. And although I don’t easily fall for people, when I did find someone that I liked, I gave too much thought and energy to “what if we were in a relationship?”
This ‘what if?’ thinking plagued most of my thoughts and eventually began to interfere with my actions. It may sound weak or silly; but at the time I had no idea and didn’t see that my obsession with being in a relationship was actually ‘jacking up’ my priorities.
Life doesn’t suddenly begin when you’re booed up, but most times, we’re so busy complaining about being single that we don’t enjoy what it’s really worth.
Chances are, if your priorities are all wrong while you’re not in a relationship, they’ll be even more out of wack when you are in one. The only difference is, when you’re in a relationship, it’s harder to get back on track with what matters most than when you’re single.
The obsession with relationships is a dangerous mindset, because usually you’re not happy when you’re not in one and you think life will suddenly become a rainbow after the ‘single storm’ is over. However, if you can’t be happy without him, you’re probably not going to be genuinely happy with him.
So while you’re obsessing about being someone’s wife, don’t forget to reflect on the things that matter most, like you. It’s important to get yourself together and enjoy your life sans a man.
We’ve all heard it at some point on our search for love: “Love shows up when you least expect it.” So, this means we should stop looking for love in order to find it. What if we applied this advice to other goals we have in our lives and the world?
Your ideal job will show up when you least expect it. You’ll lose 20lbs when you least expect it. The dishwasher will repair itself when you least expect it. Our marital problems will resolve themselves when we least expect it. World peace will arrive when we least expect it. This philosophy begins to seem a little ridiculous, doesn’t it? Is It Possible To Overcome Betrayal? EXPERT
And yet, we’re all sold this ridiculous myth from a very young age that one day we’ll bump into the love of our life and magically we’ll know how to make it last. How’s that working for you?
To get you out of the rut and get moving towards the love you desire, visit YourTango.com.
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I’m a freshman in college and I’m finding I’m having some trouble in the love department. I’ve been single for almost a year now and my last relationship was quite well…horrible, to say the least. All the issues my ex and I had have been left in the past and we are on good terms (which was a big step for us). I want to start getting back out there and dating but I feel like guys only want one thing from me…the goods. I’m still a virgin and will be until I feel its the right time but that seems to be all the guys that talk I’ve talked to or approach me about. They say they just want to have fun right now but we can still do the do. NO Sir! I want something special and real but it seems unrealistic at this moment because college boys (or any other boys for that matter) are not trying to commit if you are not at least not putting out and I know I can’t be one of those girls. I know I’m pretty and that I have a lot to offer in a relationship and to a guy but I’m not the best looking girl around. I have realistic but high standards when it comes to guys, physically and personality/characteristic wise which makes me kind of picky so I turn a lot of guys down (or just because I don’t want another let down). Since I’ve been in college I’ve also had quite an attraction for white males but don’t know how to show them I’m a black girl that is interested in their race. I hate approaching males out of fear of rejection and because I want to be chased but I have before. I need some advise on how to find the “good guys” and maybe even branch out into new areas for love because my method doesn’t seem to be working. I recently meet a guy and he was almost everything I could have ask for but like all the guys I almost there is one little detail that sends me running. he had just got out of a relationship and was still in love with an ex who wanted nothign to do with him. I really liked this guy but for the sake of protecting myself from hurt, I stopped talking to him. I refuse to be in a relationship where I am not happy but at the same time I just want something real and to be in love. I guess I’m just looking for some advise from the male perspective.
Single and Looking