All Articles Tagged "looking for love"
If you’re an independent woman you might as well be by yourself…I said it.
A little over a week ago there was an article posted here about a survey in which 34 percent of men want their spouses to be independent while 66 percent didn’t all while raising their daughters differently. I read the piece as well as the comments and thought to myself “Did anybody ask why before running with it and jumping out of the proverbial window?” Nobody cared about context. Big problem.
For starters, it makes no logistical sense to raise one’s daughter differently than your wife. Truth be told, you can’t do that. Why? Because as a man you attracted, dated, courted and made a decision to spend the rest of your life with a help mate. In a perfect world, that person is the “better half” who is complimentary and brings the best out of them. Psychologically speaking it is all an unconscious process. How often do people wind up marrying someone like their parents? All the damn time. So when a father is raising their daughter guess who he winds up raising them like? Their mother. If they are a good father, it will be with the intent of making their child the new and improved version of their wife.
I am a single father to a little girl. My daughter’s mother is no longer with us; but without even trying I tend to treat and instil in her mannerisms like her mother as well as qualities that I am currently attracted to while looking for a new life partner. Even those traits that I seek in other women are based upon knowing what works for me and what doesn’t because of her mom. I do want my daughter to be an independent woman in the sense of being able to make her dreams and aspirations come to fruition, but not to the point where she is her own man.
My daughter is so keen upon how I raise her that she said to me the other day “Daddy, you need to marry a diva so she can be my stepmom.” I have never taught or used the word diva around her and she used the term in proper context. Not only is that how she sees herself, it is because of how I am raising her and that is the kind of quality she wants in a mother.
I feel as if the concept of wanting someone obedient was taken to an extreme. Ev-ery-one wants someone who is. To be obedient is to listen and comply. Who doesn’t want to be heard by someone they consider their equal? Who doesn’t want their voice to be heard? The problem with the word obedience when it comes to men and women relationships in 2015 is the connotation of submission.
If you don’t want to be a submissive woman in a relationship then you are better off being your own man–and you don’t want a real relationship.
The selfless servitude that comes along with a marriage is both people being submissive to each other. Checks and balances, taking the lead in your respective field, playing a role, compromise, and all of those vows you take are all acts of submission.
There are traditional roles in a marriage. Yes, I do believe that a man is supposed to be the head of the household. I’m sorry but I am genetically built to be a protector from my larger physique to a mindset that typically focuses on the bigger picture so the day to day details that come along with running a home are not my area of expertise. And since it isn’t, I will submit to my wife because she is wired to be that way. No, I may not carry a child or a life-giver. However, statistics could infer that I will give my life and die approximately six-to-eight years earlier taking care of my wife and kids. If traditionally speaking men were the ones who worked
I believe that the best way to sum up the difference in our roles and relationships is that a woman is the power and a man is the authority. Authority is nothing without having power and power can’t make a decision without the judgement that comes along with authority. They need each other. One is the brain and the other is the spine. Yes, the brain may ultimately make decisions one what muscles move, but the spinal cord sends the message to get the job done. The body-or the home-cannot fully function to its best capacity without both parts. They could but it’d be brain dead or paralyzed.
Do you believe that being a submissive woman is how you get your ideal man?
Y’all know we love Kim Coles around here. She’s been the homie in our head since her “In Living Color” days and she solidified the spot playing the quirky and kind-hearted Synclaire James. So I, and then we when I shared the news with the other MN editors, were elated to learn that Ms. Coles recently got engaged to Reggie Mckiver, a holistic health expert.
Coles made the announcement on her Facebook page.
We really are happy for not only her but the women who will be encouraged by her story. Most of y’all reading this are women, so I don’t have to tell you about the pressure our mothers, our society and even we ourselves put on being married and having kids. And to do it all by 30. But bayybee (in my Mo’Nique preaching voice) there is no time limit to love. And if we all could just get to the mental space where we’re blocking out all the unnecessary (and generally unhelpful) noise about how we should lead our distinctly unique lives, perhaps we’d find they’d be filled with a lot less anxiety about things we really have little control over in the first place.
“I want to tell you how he found me. I got real focused on what I wanted in my personal life and the type of man I wanted to spend my life with. I like to have this conversation around finding your GPS or engaging your GPS, your divine GPS…I’ve made it mean something completely different. Gratitude, passion and success… See last year, I got really focused on the destination I wanted to have in my personal life. And by being really focused with that and setting my destination in that place, I was able to be in alignment with the man who showed up and the man who said I’m there too and I want that too…
I’m telling you I am beating every statistic. I am 53 years old and we are not supposed to get married after what 20, 25, 30 maybe? Yeah… that’s not true. I don’t follow any of those rules. I’ve never thought any of those rules applied to me and those rules don’t apply to you either.”
Kim goes on to say that she’s teaching a course on how to align yourself to get what you want out of life. And without having taken the course and having just read a bit about it, I can gather that she doesn’t mean looking and searching for a man, putting all your energy into the hunt; but rather making sure that you are the type of person you’re looking for. So if and when the man you desire presents himself, you’ll be ready, willing and able to receive love in a very healthy way.
We’ve heard this advice before. Like attracts like. Love yourself first and then love will enter your life. And admittedly, sometimes it sounds cliche and oversimplified. But it also makes a lot of sense too.
When you focus on working on yourself first, timelines become obsolete. How long does it take a person to love him or herself? It depends. Putting the goal or quest of finding romantic love in the context of finding and loving yourself first, gives us a much longer time frame to get it right.
So again, congratulations to Kim Coles and hopefully her story can and will be used to inspire some of us all.
By now, we’ve all heard of “the list”–where you think about or write down the list if qualities you’re looking for in a partner. Some swear by it, others run from it but today we’re going to analyze it. From personal experience, I’ve learned quite a lesson from the list because unlike many other women I was actually able to manifest my man.
In October of 2009, a friend was in the midst of planning her wedding when she generously gave me a few pointers on how I could land a man. “Go home and write a letter to God. Write out everything you want in a man and thank Him in advance for answering your prayer.” So, I did just that. I went home and wrote out every desire of my heart. I explained to God what I wanted my husband to look like, what type of career he should have and every other detail I could come up with. When I finished my letter, I said a quick prayer and put it in a drawer.
On March 6, 2010 I met a guy who told me within five minutes of meeting that I would be his wife. From that day on, we quickly developed a relationship and were head over heels in love. Within weeks, I took my letter out to see how well I had done and to my surprise the man I was dating had 18 of the 20 characteristics from my list. I could not believe I had actually done it! I had actually attracted the man of my dreams! I was so shocked that I showed him the letter, told all of my girls to write their letters and was happy as could be that I was so blessed!
By April 6th, we were out of the country on vacation. By June 6th, we were on a surprise weekend getaway to Orlando where he proposed. You read that right. By month three I had a ring on my finger. Now all of this may sound crazy from the outside looking in, but in my mind God was simply answering my prayer. Years before, I’d decided that I needed to be married by 25. So, finding this man who wanted me to be his wife at 24 meant all of my plans were coming together beautifully! Plus, God must’ve given his stamp of approval since he was everything I prayed for, right?
WRONG! A month after getting engaged, I took him home to meet my family. That’s when our relationship took a turn, I realized he was a sociopath and our entire world came tumbling down. Although, I had received almost everything I wanted, I didn’t have any of the things I needed. I hadn’t even considered how I wanted to be treated, the morals, values and even manners that I wanted my man to have. This guy looked the part but it was all a front. Just like my list, he was full of all the superficial stuff but nothing of substance. He had a great smile but there was a monster hiding on the other side. He had a great job, but was flat broke with a credit score I didn’t even know was possible. All of the petty things I thought were important checked out, but everything else was missing.
Needless to say, he wasn’t the one for me. He was Prince Charming, but he wasn’t Mr. Right. You see, Prince Charming will charm your socks (and panties) right off by saying all the right things and forget that he actually has to do the right things. Mr. Right on the other hand is all about action, he will prove his love and loyalty without question.
In all of this, there were several aha moments and lessons learned. The moral of the story is that you can absolutely manifest the man you desire, but you have to make sure he’s the one you deserve. If you’re ready to attract Mr. Right instead of Prince Charming, keep these laws of the list in mind in order to manifest your man:
Law #1 Be careful what you wish for.
Without a doubt, the Law of Attraction is real. What you think about and thank about, you bring about and when you write it down, it’s real. So you have to put a lot of thought into the things you think you want vs the things you actually need. We’re constantly attracting things into our lives based on our thoughts, actions and intentions so you can’t get mad at the world if you manifest a mess.
Law #2 Get REAL!
What’s really most important to you? What values matter most? If you asked me what was important at 24, I would have told you the career my man should have, what kind of car I wanted him to drive and the type of places I wanted him to take me. If asked now, I will proudly tell you that I value a man who values me. My dating mentor calls it “choosing priorities over preferences.” It means that you are more concerned with the way he makes you feel versus the amount of money he makes. Not to say that you can’t have what you want and need, it’s just making sure your priorities are taken care of first.
Law #3 Make sure YOU match.
You ARE what you attract, so everyone who comes into your life was invited in by you. You can’t frequent the dollar menu and expect a man to treat you to a five star meal. Moreover, you can’t expect a loyal and honest man if you lie, scheme and scam every chance you get. Whether consciously or unconsciously, your thoughts, intentions and actions are constantly attracting things into your experience. So, in order to attract the best man, I had to become a better me. When making your list, make sure you can live up to it. After all, you have to meet your requirement’s requirements.
Law #4 Think Positive
When you sit down to actually create the list, write in positive terms. Instead of listing the things you don’t want, focus on the things you do. Many times, we can think of a million and one things we don’t want in a man but we never put thought into the things we do want. Think of all of the amazing qualities you want him to have, how he’ll make you feel and the way you want to be treated. Write out details that bring butterflies to your belly so that you can create a scene in your mind. The more time spent on positive thoughts of love, the quicker you’ll attract love into your life!
Law #5 Leave it & Believe it
Sometimes we focus so much energy into these lists, vision boards and dream books that our anxiety blocks the blessing. Overthinking, expecting, worrying and (WORST OF ALL) doubting is self-sabotage. The toughest part is trusting the process, understanding that you have to encounter boys so you’ll recognize a man. You have to endure the storm to appreciate the sunshine, that’s life. So don’t allow doubt to destroy your desires. Once your list is complete and you’re sure you’ve only written the important details, leave it to God and believe it will happen…in due time.
EVERYTHING happens in perfect timing. The right man at the wrong time won’t work and the wrong man at the right time won’t either. Understand that love is looking for you just as hard as you’re preparing for it.
Follow these laws, draft your list and get ready to receive!
Written with wishes of LOVE by Koereyelle, Founder and CEO of The Single Wives Club where she educates and empowers single women to become better women before becoming wives.
Clubs are a great place to party; but are usually not the number one place love connections are made. Note: there is a difference between a genuine love connection and a booty call. The latter can almost always be found at a club, in case that’s what you’re looking for; but if you’re looking for more, you have to consider the places you’re searching.
I’ve met a lot of guys at parties and the club; but none of the relationships ever went past a phone call or a couple of dates. Usually things end like this because the guy calls me the wrong name when he contacts me the next day because he’s probably collected too many numbers. Or sometimes, the connection falls short because he doesn’t seem as attractive on the inside or outside like when I took his number in the dimly-lit club.
Consider this: The place you meet your future boo shouldn’t be the place you want him to stop going after you start dating. Basically, if he frequents the clubs when you meet him, he may not be ready to give that up just because he’s with you. After all, that is the place the two of you first encountered one another.
This is not to say that no love connections are made in the club; but it’s typically not the place you should go to seek out a romantic encounter. There are plenty of good places to meet good men. And usually it’s best to search where the two of you would have a common interest. If you love jazz, go to more venues that highlight that type of music and vibe. If you could live in a book all day, go to a bookstore to meet your future bookworm boo. Or if you want a man of God or at least one who is trying to be, then you should probably attend more church outings (don’t sit in service peeping the scene, that’s not the time or place). If you’re not sure where to start, join the Single’s Ministry at your church.
While I wish that I knew all of the best places to find men, I don’t. I do know that every woman looking for love should be more mindful of the places they’re looking. I’ve heard so many of my friends and at times myself, say we hope we meet a good guy while going out to a not-so-good place. So before you give up and say that there simply aren’t any good men out there, evaluate the places you go and have been looking.
Are you guilty of looking for love in all the wrong places?
I used to be in love with being in love. There, I said it. I was secretly a helpless romantic in spite of my hard exterior, so sometimes this clouded my vision and altered my decisions. Oddly, when I was not in a relationship or seriously dating, I had my priorities in order. I focused on me, my career, my spirituality, and family and friends; but the minute I thought I had found Mr. Right, my priorities would become all wrong. And not that it makes me feel any better, but I’ve realized that many women go through moments like this.
Relationships should be complimentary to an already whole person. And while this sounds cliché, it’s true. The thing is, some women equate wholeness to finances, jobs, health, etc. However, deep down, some of us have a lingering feeling that life will get better when our men come along. If this is this case, usually a relationship will only interfere with priorities until we truly feel whole without a boo.
When I finally got out of debt (well, almost), became successful in my career and learned how to cook more than one dish, I thought I was ready for a relationship. Life was good, but in my head I wasn’t living because I was single. This mentality usually carried over into my dating life. Every man that I dated, I was secretly sizing up as my husband. And although I don’t easily fall for people, when I did find someone that I liked, I gave too much thought and energy to “what if we were in a relationship?”
This ‘what if?’ thinking plagued most of my thoughts and eventually began to interfere with my actions. It may sound weak or silly; but at the time I had no idea and didn’t see that my obsession with being in a relationship was actually ‘jacking up’ my priorities.
Life doesn’t suddenly begin when you’re booed up, but most times, we’re so busy complaining about being single that we don’t enjoy what it’s really worth.
Chances are, if your priorities are all wrong while you’re not in a relationship, they’ll be even more out of wack when you are in one. The only difference is, when you’re in a relationship, it’s harder to get back on track with what matters most than when you’re single.
The obsession with relationships is a dangerous mindset, because usually you’re not happy when you’re not in one and you think life will suddenly become a rainbow after the ‘single storm’ is over. However, if you can’t be happy without him, you’re probably not going to be genuinely happy with him.
So while you’re obsessing about being someone’s wife, don’t forget to reflect on the things that matter most, like you. It’s important to get yourself together and enjoy your life sans a man.
We’ve all heard it at some point on our search for love: “Love shows up when you least expect it.” So, this means we should stop looking for love in order to find it. What if we applied this advice to other goals we have in our lives and the world?
Your ideal job will show up when you least expect it. You’ll lose 20lbs when you least expect it. The dishwasher will repair itself when you least expect it. Our marital problems will resolve themselves when we least expect it. World peace will arrive when we least expect it. This philosophy begins to seem a little ridiculous, doesn’t it? Is It Possible To Overcome Betrayal? EXPERT
And yet, we’re all sold this ridiculous myth from a very young age that one day we’ll bump into the love of our life and magically we’ll know how to make it last. How’s that working for you?
To get you out of the rut and get moving towards the love you desire, visit YourTango.com.
More on Madame Noire!
- 7 Ways He Wants You To Be Better Than His Last Girlfriend
- The Simmons Family (Including Ex-Wife Valerie Vaughn) Pose For Ebony’s Mother’s Day Issue
- “Ask A Black Man” Episode 2: The Dating Episode
- Sheree’s $750K Salary Demand Likely Got Her Cut
- Stripper Vanity Wonder Writes Book On Undercover Butt Shots Culture
- Columnist Fired For Article On What White Parents Should Tell Kids About Blacks
- Am I Raising a Spoiled Brat?
- Beyonce, Jay-Z & Blue Ivy Head to St. Barts
I’m a freshman in college and I’m finding I’m having some trouble in the love department. I’ve been single for almost a year now and my last relationship was quite well…horrible, to say the least. All the issues my ex and I had have been left in the past and we are on good terms (which was a big step for us). I want to start getting back out there and dating but I feel like guys only want one thing from me…the goods. I’m still a virgin and will be until I feel its the right time but that seems to be all the guys that talk I’ve talked to or approach me about. They say they just want to have fun right now but we can still do the do. NO Sir! I want something special and real but it seems unrealistic at this moment because college boys (or any other boys for that matter) are not trying to commit if you are not at least not putting out and I know I can’t be one of those girls. I know I’m pretty and that I have a lot to offer in a relationship and to a guy but I’m not the best looking girl around. I have realistic but high standards when it comes to guys, physically and personality/characteristic wise which makes me kind of picky so I turn a lot of guys down (or just because I don’t want another let down). Since I’ve been in college I’ve also had quite an attraction for white males but don’t know how to show them I’m a black girl that is interested in their race. I hate approaching males out of fear of rejection and because I want to be chased but I have before. I need some advise on how to find the “good guys” and maybe even branch out into new areas for love because my method doesn’t seem to be working. I recently meet a guy and he was almost everything I could have ask for but like all the guys I almost there is one little detail that sends me running. he had just got out of a relationship and was still in love with an ex who wanted nothign to do with him. I really liked this guy but for the sake of protecting myself from hurt, I stopped talking to him. I refuse to be in a relationship where I am not happy but at the same time I just want something real and to be in love. I guess I’m just looking for some advise from the male perspective.
Single and Looking