shutterstock

From YourTango

Have you settled for companionship in your would-be romantic relationship? Companionship is when you exist in the same home but spend very little time together, and neither of you is particularly satisfied.Take the stereotypical man-watching-football-while-his-wife-cleans-the-house scenario. She resents that he gets to relax while she slaves to keep the home clean. She complains about him watching football and not helping around the house. He becomes angry and they either argue or physically go to separate rooms to get away from each other. Does this sound familiar?

As a licensed mental health counselor, I’ve heard countless renditions of the scenario above, where wives and husbands are convinced that companionship is as good as it gets for married life. Out of desperation, they ask me for help, and here’s what I say.

Read the rest at YourTango

Source: JLN Photography/WENN, Getty, WENN

Foolishly I thought women in relationships had it easier than single women when it comes to marriage questions and pressure to cross the matrimonial threshold, but now I see they’re really just on opposite sides of the same coin. As a single woman you can never provide a satisfactory answer when people ask why you’re not married and apparently the same goes for women in long-term relationships as well. What’s interesting though is that the same people who complain about being on the receiving end of that pressure and criticism, i.e. women, are the very ones doling it out to others.

Reactions to Gabrielle Union’s recent interview about baby and marriage fever with Just the Fab garnered rather mixed responses on the site yesterday. Pleasantly, most people took Gabby’s hesitation to jump into marriage with Dwyane Wade due to past failed relationships at face value, supporting her choice to take things slow. Others, however, cried “BS” and charged that were D. Wade to drop down on one knee today and attempt to put a ring on it, that hesitation would fly out the window and she would most certainly say “yes.” Immediately I began wondering what’s the deal with women not being able to tell their truth about their own relationships?

What I find most funny about these reactions to Gabrielle’s feelings toward marriage is the juxtaposition of her approach to the media’s obsession with her relationship alongside singer Brandy’s. Plenty of people, myself included, have been critical of Brandy’s overzealous declarations that she is anxiously awaiting a proposal from her boyfriend, Ryan Press. Essentially, the reaction has been calm down before you embarrass yourself, but when a woman like Gabby basically says, “Eh, we’re not in a rush. I’m enjoying where we are in our relationship right now” that’s problematic too and we assume she’s lying?

And let’s not forget Oprah Winfrey who has been in a relationship with Stedman since 1986 and endured this type of criticism for the longest. It wasn’t enough for Oprah to explain that she’s not the marrying kind — because of course there is only one type of woman in the world and she is definitely dying to be married — no, the logical explanation for her not walking down the aisle is that she’s a lesbian and Stedman is just a cover. Really people?

None of us knows these celebrity couples personally and the truest truth about their relationships is that they don’t owe any of us an explanation about the trajectory of their partnerships. What’s unfortunate though is the same people who complain about being hounded by their family and friends about marriage and who have explanations on top of explanations for their current relationship status don’t extend the same “we’re not all cut-from the same I-want-to-be-married-today cloth” courtesy they’re seeking from other people. How is it wrong for Brandy to want to be married, wrong (or an assumed lie) that Gabby is waiting to be married, and wrong for Oprah to not want to be married? Are they not representative of who we are in actuality: diverse, contemporary woman with different relationship desires? And really, what other options are there outside of these other than it’s not legal for us to get married?

Obviously a lot of personal bias against these women plays into how their takes on relationships and marriage are perceived but at the end of the day we’re doing the same thing to them that’s done to us in the media and on a personal level all the time. Maybe we should just stop asking these women about the m-word period (like we request of other people) since their responses never satisfy us.

Brande Victorian is the news and operations editor for madamenoire.com. Follow her on twitter @Be_Vic.

A long-term relationship can be a blessing and a curse, as sex can get a little routine when you’ve been doing it with the same person for a while. Plus if you’re busy with work/school/family/etc, it may become increasingly easy to prioritize sleep or other needs over getting it in with your lover. Don’t get stuck in that rut! Try our list of quick ways to add spice to your bedroom routine and like Drake you can thank us later.

Read the rest of this entry »

I have such mixed emotions day to day. As I stand in this beautiful home with a beautiful patio, in ground pool and a lakeside view, I can’t help but think about the future. With our present being so warped it’s hard for me to imagine the future. So now I look at this time; this space as a test and a true testament of our love. It’s a test for me to right my wrongs, DEFINITELY! It’s a time also for you to take time and list some of your own wrongs and right them as well.

As I sat in the home I saw you in every part of the house. The bathroom was spacious and the shower was a stand-up with the clear doors just like we imagined it. Two sinks, a whirlpool and tons of cabinet space. The closet had your name written all over it. It was a humongous walk in closet for all your clothes, shoes and accessories. When I walked downstairs the kitchen was enormous, I thought of you cooking. Then I laughed to myself thinking of you on the phone with your mother while she gave you directions on how to cook something up.

Nostalgia brought me back to our dreams, a world where OUR mothers wouldn’t have to struggle and we can buy them big houses just like this one. Your mother is my mother and vice versa, all my life I’ve had dreams of a world where I could provide and my mother wouldn’t have to struggle. When I met you and you had a similar goal I was delighted, even more delighted when I clicked with your mom. To me she now became a part of my world and those same dreams I have for my own mother I have for her! I started thinking about how to achieve those dreams and I gladly accepted the responsibility that I had to work hard to provide. Next I looked outside, the lake was beautiful, and the patio looked like a vacation spot. I could imagine having family and fiends over and just relaxing within our own HAPPINESS. In that moment I thought, “damn I still see us together in the future.”But our future is dependent on right now. That’s a scary feeling, to know that this life I see is dependent on the actions that take place right now during This Test!

See I’m the type of man who is eager to provide for his family. I saw it right there like a vision of what was to come. I held my son on my chest and you, my beautiful wife on my arm. We were a family, then my mind just started racing and I had to write these thoughts down. Like the vision was too real, it was there for me to touch. I’ll admit I wasn’t exactly sure how to furnish the place but I figured you would have some ideas. Haha

Sadly if we don’t pass this test I still wished these same things for both of us, it was a hard pill to swallow but its real. This moment right here, right now is the most genuine for me because love still lives in my heart. The love we built, the dreams we manifested they are all being tested right now. I want to pass this test with flying colors, when WE pass this test I will say it has been one of the roughest of my life however through this test I am sure I am becoming a better man. The one thing I’m learning about this test and probably one of my weaknesses is relying on faith rather than sight. In order to see the future one must have faith, faith in what we’ve built and faith in the love that we have for one another. I guess the true question is do you want to pass this test?