Shutterstock

Dearest Sisters,

Having read the timelines of a few male “relationship experts” I have laughed and sometimes just stared in disbelief. At first, I was livid with these men, these snake oil salesmen who jumped on the “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man” money train. I wanted to RUIN their little hustle. But when I stopped to consider the whole racket, when I looked at the amount of women following these men, retweeting their misogynistic drivel I realized my energies were focused in the wrong direction.

Ladies, I understand. You ignore your gut sometimes. You collect all the warnings & wisdom together into a neat pile and stack them at the back corner of your mind. You leave them there. You leave them there because if you dust them off and consider them, they will lead you further away from your goal. The goal that every Jared’s commercial throws at you. The goal your Auntie Janet reminds you of at every family reunion:

Securing a loving, long-lasting in relationship.

We all want to be loved, to feel worthy of someone’s affection, time, trust. A ring and a happily ever after. But then we get hurt in the pursuit of it all. Walls go up. Tears roll down. Anger makes a home. Trust runs away. Issues fester. And relationships become much more of an obscure maze than we ever thought possible.

Enter: The male self-professed “relationship expert” who, in all honesty, says some of the right things. He gives us the new age basics for relationships, doesn’t he? With tweets like “A relationship should be 100/100, not 50/50,” and “Communication is key.”

No untruths there, right? But we, as women, fail to realize that these are gems that are already buried in our feminine intuition. The gems we ignore because we’re tired of waiting for the right one. We want this one to be The One! We sidestep what was divinely placed in us and substitute it with the robotic, woman-hating and sometimes even rape culture reinforcing “advice” from men who show every sign of unresolved mommy issues. But because they’ve got 38,000 followers on Twitter, they MUST be preaching some kinda results-yielding truth, right? Not always.

We’ve succumb to a watered-down perception of what it means to be a woman. We take our place as sex objects and chefs for the men in our lives because that’s where we belong, right? That’s what it takes to get and keep a good man, right? Well yeah, to let some of these hireling male relationship “experts” tell it that’s exactly right.

We have been blinded to the height and depth of ourselves, the gifts and the inward “knowing” inherent to womanhood. We say that we believe we are intellectual equals to men yet we scurry to the bookshelves and Twitter to support men who believe it is their duty to teach women how to be women yet spend little to no time instructing MALES how to be MEN. We count their knowledge of us superior to our own intuition, our own lessons learned from our mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers. We deny our internal GPS when dealing with relationships because of our biological clocks wired by societal ideology to explode if we haven’t “locked him down” and started working on some babies before 30. I know. I’ve wrestled with it too.

We accept messages from men who are knowingly working with a pair of imbalanced scales – weighting women’s behavior within relationships more heavily than men’s. We willingly carry that weight if it’ll get us a man. We believe irresponsible generalizations about both sexes from men who in more than one way demonstrate that their main priority is to make a profit. We disregard what we have been conditioned to disregard. We devalue our higher selves that function as more than sexual excitement and visual aesthetic for men because well, society devalues us.

Am I discrediting male relationship advisers  Absolutely not. I have learned a great many lessons from men with regards to love and the pursuit of love. But their intentions were pure. Their messages were clean of any underlying agenda. Their messages were responsible. When they took on the mantle to help people with their love lives they took it seriously and understood that every word they wrote, every word they spoke would count. They understood that they have a responsibility to THINK OBJECTIVELY and to dispense advice as a result of that.

What I am offering is an invitation to women to turn the lights on. To not just run blindly in the direction of whatever book or tweet claims to help you get a man. Be self-aware. Be aware of the messages. Open your eyes to misogyny. Don’t internalize everything you read or hear. As Bishop T.D. Jakes one wrote, “Eat the meat and throw away the bones.”

Just because a man said it does not mean it is law. Just because a man discounts your mind, does not mean you are incapable of thought. We are more in tune with love and life than we even dare to consider. And if ever there were a time to gather up our womanhood and walk boldly in it, it is now.

Love,

A Sister Offering Something To Consider

La Truly’s writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change among young women through her writing. Follow her on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly and AboutMe www.about.me/latruly

I’m no relationship expert, but if there is one thing I know it’s that there is probably no greater feeling than falling in love. Your heart flutters when his name pops up on your phone. Laying next to him has to rival Snoop Dogg’s greatest high. And time seems to play dead when you’re not with him. Let’s face it, its hard not to lose ourselves in new relationships. All of our hope Does and dreams when we we’re single seem to be coming into fruition, and in giving into our passions we can’t help but try to rush them along. We want to prove to our men that we are 100 percent committed to them, and we want to be that faithful, catering girlfriend brothers love to brag about. But, in all this rushing and excitement, we might be doing too much to prove our loyalty and love.

Ladies, we need stop overextending our services so early in our relationships. I understand your boyfriend may have just learned that he needs to separate the coloreds from the whites when he does laundry, but that doesn’t mean you need to go out of your way to do it for him. And yes, he hasn’t had a decent, home-cooked meal since he saw his mama last Thanksgiving, but that does not call for you to have dinner waiting for him every, single night. Being in the honeymoon phase of your love, I can understand how such intense feelings may bring out your nurturing side. But believe me, there is no need to rush into playing house. You’re in the first quarter of the game so enjoy it. He doesn’t know how to do laundry? Make a date of it. Go to your local laundromat with both of your respective clothing items and teach him how to do his laundry while you do your own. You may not want him to see your granny panties so soon, but having him see them now is a much smaller risk than playing wife without the ring — or title.

I know, you think he’s the one. Your girlfriends think he’s the one. And you think he thinks your the one too. So logically he should prove it by having you meet his family, right? Girl, no. Demanding to meet your new boyfriend’s family is a sure-fire way to get on the express highway to breakup-ville. Although most men admit having their lady-love meet their mom is not a milestone in their lives, it doesn’t mean it’s your right to demand to be invited over to mommy dearest’s home.  Just as you are navigating these new waves you find yourself in, so is your boyfriend. Let him figure out when he is comfortable having you over for Sunday dinners and family get-togethers. Besides, shouldn’t you take the time to learn all the intricate details of your man’s life and character before his mother, aunties and everybody else in his family tree grills you about them?

Or let’s say Friday night is traditionally your girl’s night out and his time to go out with the boys, but you’ve been dying to see this new movie that’s out, and of course you want your boo to take you. You don’t care that you’ve seen him every evening this week, or that both of you already had individual plans — you want to go! Ma’am, please put on your best dress and head on out with your girlfriends. Its common and expected to want to be under your cheri amour all day, everyday, but you must respect that he is still his own person as are you. You have a new amazing addition to your life, but he wasn’t the missing piece to your puzzle. You were whole before he came, and if he leaves you’ll still be whole. Go out, have fun. Keep doing the things you were doing before he came along. Keep your identity as separate from his as possible. This will prevent you from tiring of him — and keep him from running for the hills.

Love is precious and when we find it we want to grasp on with both hands and never let go. But what is meant to be will be. Enjoy your new boyfriend, enjoy that new pep in your step, but refrain from jumping in to quick or asking him for what he may not be ready to give. Love is hard to find, but easy to lose.

More on Madame Noire!

• Where Are They Now? 9 Blue-Eyed Soul Singers We Used To Jam To
• He Might Be a Creepin’ Fool, But He’s a Talented One: 5 Classic Songs Stevie J Is Behind…
• The Devil Is a Lie: 7 Types of Hypocritical “Church Folk” Who Know They Need to Quit
• How Ya Going? 9 of Our Favorite Celebs Of Trinidadian Descent (There’s Some Surprises!)
• An Open Letter to My Single Sistas: Being Single is Not a Curse, It’s A Gift
• UGH! 10 Things Men Do That Drive Women Nuts

The way Hollywood couples break up, (and really the way the rest of the country is breaking up) any couple who is making it work, is to be commended.

One Hollywood representation of this “making it work” skill is Denzel and Pauletta Washington’s marriage. Sure, we don’t live with them and surely don’t know the ends and outs of their union, but from the longevity of it and the things they have to say about one another are quite inspiring.

Find out what we mean at Hello Beautiful.com.

More on Madame Noire!

• Are You Giving Folks The WHOLE Story When It Comes to Your Relationship Drama?
• What’s Your Secret? 40-Something Women Who Look 30-Something
• Moooooom!: 6 of Hollywood’s Most Embarrassing Mothers
• Madonna, Chelsea Handler and White Woman Privilege
• 7 Misconceptions Men Have About Women
• Ray J Discusses Relationships with ‘KK’ and Whitney in New Tell-All Book
• Beauty At The Least: The Best Bargains To Help You Stay Beautiful
• Black vs. African American: Do You Have a Preference?