Source: Shutterstock

By Jada Gomez-Lacayo

Dating sucks. It truly and entirely sucks, yet I find myself here again. And as a totally hopeless romantic, I’ll be on the market until some derivative of Prince Charming wisks me away on a horse.. Or a Prius… Or maybe with a free swipe of a metro card. You get the idea.

Now that I’m “exploring my options” and “seeing what’s out there,” I remember exactly why I loathe the entire dating process. This is not to loop all guys into one category, because I have some great guy friends, and I’ve experienced some very sweet loves in my life, but in the initial stages, there are a couple of roadblocks that cause me to retract into my safe and single turtle shell.

Usually, when I meet a guy, the first question he asks is, “What are you?” As I groan inwardly but pleasantly smile outwardly, I typically respond by saying, “I’m from Queens.” This is a perfectly accurate statement, and describes me more precisely than my African American and Latina roots. That response usually prompts the world’s other most invasive question, “Is that your real hair?” With a matter of fact response, I reply: “No, its #499 at the beauty shop,” but that’s an entirely different story for another day.

This answer usually throws men off because when I give the response they’re looking for (it’s my real hair and I have a Puerto Rican father and African American mother), surprise and a light in their eyes goes off that reads, “Ahh! A mixed girl. I’ve got one.” And that leaves me quite uncomfortable at the bar. Just when they think they’ve caught me hook, line and sinker, I’ve usually already jumped ship mentally.

Rap songs, years of conditioning, and movies reinforce the need for a “light skinned girl with long dark hair.” And somehow I’m supposed to be happy about the stares I get when I’m with my parents, smile as people pat my hair for tracks, or somehow be flattered they want to date me solely based on my genealogy. It feels like I’m supposed to be a passive obliging accessory to match a fly Rolex and a foreign car. If my hair is curly when wet, that’s an added bonus — wifey material, somewhere on a Christmas wish list for men who need a shiny (forehead) trophy to overcompensate for some sort of deficiency.

The thing is I love to write. It’s something I’ve worked on fiercely and love passionately, as it’s an extension of me and where I feel most comfortable. Secondly, I’m hilarious. From the office to e-mail threads, to my undeniable rap flow, I’m a riot. I’m an avid runner, I have what is probably an unhealthy knowledge about music and pop culture, and I have a huge, future big mama sized heart.  These are the things that I have cultivated in my 30 years by simply being me. Thanks to an amazing strong family, great friends, and infinite blessings, I’m so proud of the woman I’ve become. This is me.

But when a guy suffers from “light skinned girl, long dark hair” syndrome, I’m only seen for the qualities that are solely based on my DNA. The outer layer I had nothing to do with eclipses the me that I’ve worked on all these years when the outer layers are shed. And men, if you do find a girl who is into all the fawning, she’s probably using you for the attention. So really everyone’s a pawn in a very superficial game. And we all know that beauty fades, lovelies.

Be clear, this is by no means a pity party. No light-skinned girl problems here. I love my features because I see a bit of my entire family in me. I see my mom’s eyes and lips, my Papi’s nose, and my skin tone is a blend of both cultural worlds. I’m confident enough to say I love my hair. I love the way it smells when it’s done, and I love the way it feels on my back. Even the compliments and comparisons are cool, although I don’t think Aaliyah, Paula Patton, and Zoe Saldana look anything alike other than that they are all light skin and have long dark hair. I rest my case.

So guys, it’s ok to have your preferences. I happen to like tall guys who get it in at the gym. Cam Newton, call me if you’re reading this. But the difference is that I hear you. I fall for your smile. I love when you actually read my stories. When you laugh at my jokes, or tell me I’m beautiful when I’m out of the shower with no makeup and a messy length-less bun.

Nothing I could write could ever reverse a cliché that predates my existence. You’re probably listening to a song that mentions some form of light skinned, long hair don’t care syndrome in your headphones right now. But when you come across one of us next time, start off with a question beyond the obvious. And maybe you’ll get something more valuable than the Heisman.

Jada Gomez-Lacayo is the Entertainment Editor for StyleBlazer.com. Follow her on Twitter at @JadaGomez.

*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.

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iStock photo

A few months back, I wrote an article about women changing hairstyles impulsively. The point in this argument was that sometimes, women want a change so bad that they will resort to drastic changes in hairstyle to appease their need for something different. Their friends may know that it’s a bad move, but will let them fall into that trap anyway. Some women have success with a completely new hairstyle, while others fail. While the post was written in 25% jest, I started to wonder whether a woman’s hair played a major factor in the courting process for men. Do men really scrutinize and judge women’s hair?

First of all, men front a lot when it comes to the importance of women’s hair. We chime in on Twitter, Facebook, and any other social media outlet with our jokes on weaves, yet we will not hesitate to holla at a woman who’s Hot with “fake hair”. Trust me when I say that I have never heard a man say “I took this woman out, and she was feeling me. We were ready to get it on, but I couldn’t go through with it, man. She had a weave! I was turned off, yo!” Yes, men have preferences, but few will let those type of superficial barriers stop them from approaching a woman, dating them, even marrying them! As men, we have much more going on in our lives to be concerned with whether a woman’s hair is in a certain style. Here are some key points that smart men have already figured out:

More Women Wear Fake Hair Than Ever

If Beyonce can rock a weave and box braids from the 90s, and still command a level of attention from men that’s off the charts, then you know that other women will attempt to wear it with no issue. It actually blew my mind when I found out that black women weren’t the only women wearing weaves and wigs! Women will do different things to their hair over time, and if it’s an official hair-do, you shouldn’t be able to tell unless you touch it. My personal issue is when you have the type of hair that gives me the urge to buy a token and wait for the 6:45 train. Raggedy hair is a complete turn-off. I wouldn’t expect to be appealing to a woman with no haircut and unkept facial hair resembling a bum, so i don’t expect women to do that either. Women are way more particular about their looks than men, so if you are going to rock a weave, rock it right!

If Your Hair Isn’t Complementary To You, Men May Not Find You Attractive

You would think this point is simple, but it’s completely overlooked. When men say they don’t like a particular hairstyle, what gets lost in the translation is that they don’t like that particular hairstyle on you! Women have to be real about how hair looks on them. All women aren’t built for short hair, natural hair, blonde (!!) hair, etc. Men may not come out and say that your hair doesn’t work, because that’s just doing too much. If we want to just have a physical relationship with you, then most won’t care. If they face the reality that you will be around for a long time, then the hair and other factors will be more heavily scrutinized.

Men Who Superficially React To Hair Shouldn’t Matter To You

I won’t act as if I’m naive. There are groups of men who only want a woman with long flowing natural hair. It’s one of the measures of popular beauty out there, and you can see it in all areas of life. Natural hair (afros, curls, etc) are beautiful also. I still swoon at seeing all the natural sistas that were on shows like A Different World. I wouldn’t let a weave stop me from approaching a woman, but many men won’t even give a woman a chance if they don’t fit the hair quota. You can’t get past that, so you shouldn’t try. The way I see it, those men aren’t for you, and there are plenty of men who won’t be as superficial. There’s nothing wrong with preferences, but glorifying one set of women over another because of their hair only, is disheartening. However, those men have the right to do it, and you have the right to take your womanly goodness elsewhere.

Do I like women with long hair? Yup? Do I like women with short hair? It depends on how they look with it. Do I like women with wigs? That isn’t a relative? Umm.. next question. My point is that although I do have preferences, I prefer women overall. It isn’t my place to demand what a woman does with her hair, but I won’t let it become a dealbreaker. That doesn’t mean that I enjoy women with ratty hair either. Men who let the insignificant things deter them from a chance at a woman with overall redeeming qualities means more for the smarter dudes. If I were a woman, I wouldn’t sweat it either way.

How important is a womans hair to men? Is it a deal breaker? Ladies any stories of men who passed you by because of your hair quality?

Vaughn Streetz

Twitter: @Streetztalk

Source: Shutterstock.com

When most think of the Fall season beautiful autumn leaves, adorable overcoats, and fashion-forward boots come to mind. Something else that seems to go hand in hand with the lovely Fall season is dry, brittle and damaged hair. Lucky for you, this doesn’t have to be your story. Check out these tips on keeping your tresses in tip top shape this Fall.

Deep condition regularly. 

This tip probably sounds like the same old broken record playing over and over, but deep conditioning is extremely important to any hair care regimen and even more important during the Fall and Winter months. Having clean hair is extremely important, but while shampooing helps to rid your hair of any impurities, it can also strip your hair of its natural oils leaving hair dry and brittle. Cold weather only seems to worsen these conditions. Moisturizing deep conditioners assist in combatting this issue. Adding a deep conditioner to your haircare regimen may add a few more minutes to your routine, but it is certainly worth it in the long run.

Suggestions: Shea Moisture Organic Raw Shea Butter Deep Treatment Hair Masque or Miss Jessie’s Super Sweetback Treatment 

Trims.

Getting rid of split and brittle ends that have been damaged by hair summer rays  is one of the best things that you can do for your hair this time of year. There are some who suggest that you should trim your ends every six to eight weeks. Then, there are others who believe that trimming your ends that frequently isn’t necessary. I don’t feel that there is one blanket trimming schedule that applies to all women. When you notice that your ends are damaged and splitting, get rid of them.

Learn to not only moisturize, but  to seal as well.

As your hair is forced to endure beatings from high winds and cold weather, it tends to dry out a bit.  Adding moisture to  your hair is great; but it is not enough to keep your hair hydrated.Once you’ve washed or wet your hair, try applying a water based leave-in conditioner or moisturizer and following up with an oil or butter such as coconut oil, grapeseed oil, jojoba oil, olive oil, mango butter or raw shea butter. Water and moisturizers are what add moisture to your hair, but the oils or butters are what seals it in.

Beware of the wool scarves and jackets.

Ugh, wool scarves and jacket collars are guilty of damaging the ends of fabulous tresses across the globe. As temperatures drop, many ladies are reaching for the wool scarves and pea coats. I know the temptation to strut down the street in your fine wool pea coat with with your hair “flowy” and flying in the wind like Sarah Jessica Parker out of an episode of ‘Sex and the City’ but, unless you have a FULL weave or an up-do that style is not for you. Wool causes breakage due to friction, it also has a tendency to deplete your hair of necessary moisture.

Protective styling. 

Due to the dry condition that the cold weather has a tendency to put hair in, protective hair styles are super helpful. Protective hair styles that require low or no manipulation styles that put hair up and away giving it a break and shielding it from harmful elements, which helps in preventing breakage.

While these tips are applicable to any season, they extremely crucial during the Fall and Winter months.

Jazmine Denise is a  freelance writer living in New York. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock

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Some of the things that people obsess about completely go over my head.  One of those things is hair, not just how we wear it, what we do to it, but even the amount on people’s heads can be a topic of discussion for hours.  For some reason it seems like this obsession is even larger in the black community.  Do you mind if we discuss this?

I was born with a lot of hair on my head, and with that hair came a lot of length.  Being a child in Mobile, Alabama, I went to school with white students who also had long hair, so I didn’t think my hair was anything out of place.  It wasn’t until my family moved to East St. Louis that I found out how large of an issue it was in the black community.  My first day in the predominantly black school the secretary took me my teacher, and right after I introduced myself the secretary turned me around to show my first grade teacher my ponytail that reached my butt.  Before I knew it, I was taken to (and this is not an exaggeration) every single classroom in that building.  After I said my name and where I was from (“that southern accent is so cute!”) I was immediately turned around to show not just the teacher, but the entire classroom how long my hair was (Umm… are we going to learn something today?)

I couldn’t understand what the big deal was.  It was just hair.  The same stuff that I try to avoid having drop into my food while I ate, or what my mother took hours to press before I got a relaxer.  Then it began to define me, it felt like it was all I was known for.  I remember in high school having a frienemy (the same one who told everyone about me being commando) say:  ”I can’t wait ’til prom, me and my sister are getting weaves and all the guys are going to stare at us.  Because honestly, that’s the only reason why guys like you.  You’re not that pretty, it’s just because of your hair.”  I can’t believe that friendship didn’t last.

But she wasn’t the only one with that mindset.  Once a girl got a fresh weave, they would literally go to me, fling it in the air and say:  ”You’re not the only one with long hair now!”  Then grab a brush out of their bag and start brushing it extra hard.  I was always thrown off (“Soo… you don’t have the answers to the trigonometry homework…?”)  If I wasn’t in competition with these girls, they thought I was in competition with other girls with long hair.  I remember people having a full blown discussion on whose hair was longer, and I would get so frustrated.  ”Who cares?!  It’s just hair!!”

But the madness continued even after I left the school’s halls.  Even now if I’m walking in a store, it’s not uncommon for someone to just stick their hands in my head and fill around for tracks and when I turn around say:  ”Oh, I just wanted to know if it was real.”  As if that’s supposed to excuse them from violating my personal space.  Or the endless unwanted hair advice I get from people who have less hair under their armpits.  ”See, if you dip your hair in chocolate and rinse it out after ten minutes, it’ll grow like crazy!  See, I did that, but my hair got too long and I couldn’t handle it, so I cut it!  That’s why it’s short now!”

Even though I’m in my twenties and have gotten used to the craziness over the protein follicles that grow out of my head, it’s a new adventure to see people react when they see my 19 month old’s hair.  After my c-section the first thing that my doctor said wasn’t that my baby was fine, or that she had ten fingers or ten toes, it was:  ”Oh my goodness!  This baby has so much hair!”  And he invited other nurses to come and see while my insides were laying on the table.  ”Umm… could someone please bring my baby to me?!”

Even a week ago, taking my daughter to the mall with a twist out we were stopped constantly so people could ask about her hair, touch her hair, and this woman while I was in the bathroom wouldn’t leave me alone until I promised to put two afro puffs at the top of her head (Lady, why does it matter?  Unless you’re going to start stalking me, you’re not going to see it…)

Now, I’m not trying to play the part of “Oh woe is me, I have all this long hair and don’t know what to do.”  I’m not going to lie, I feel blessed that I have the hair on my head, and the fact that while some people spend the same amount of money on a luxury car payment a month all I have to do is unwrap my hair and only spend $6 on olive oil.  I know that a woman’s hair is her crowning glory, but that’s it.  A person’s hair shouldn’t overcast the person underneath it, or what she has accomplished.

It hurts me to think that my daughter will have the same struggles of meeting her future boyfriend’s parents and hearing:  ”Don’t ever cut your hair, it’s the best part about you,” or having her great grandmother cry if she decides to cut her hair in a bob (which is what happened with my grandmother), or have people she thinks are friends use underhanded comments to say that all she is is her hair.

But really, that’s all it is.  It’s just hair, and if you can attain it by growing it yourself, going natural, relaxing it, weaving it up, that’s fine, but don’t just reduce a person to that; because honestly, it’s just the lowest common denominator of a someone’s personality.

Not only does Kendra Koger have hair, she also has a twitter account.  Tweet her @kkoger.

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You walk into the beauty supply store looking for the magic cure all to all your hair problems. You spot the glosser, moisturizer, soft-hold, magic grow product and go to grab it. Then you turn it over to read the ingredients and it looks like hieroglyphics.  Oh but wait, you see something that closely resembles English…mineral oil. Did you hear somewhere that mineral oil is a no-no. Or was that parabens? Or sulfate? But wait you have relaxed hair, does any of this even matter? With many women trying out a wealth of products to see what works for their texture, it’s important to know what the ingredients are and what they could mean for your hair.

Sulfates

Sulfates come in many forms. The most common type used in shampoos and other cleansing hair products is sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS). There is no reliable scientific information pointing to sulfates as a harmful chemical, other than those who have a specific allergy. However, sulfates are used in shampoo because they help to create foam and strip oil from the hair. For many black women, we need all the natural oils we can get in our hair, so completely stripping our strands and scalp every time we wash it is counterproductive to what we are actually trying to achieve, moisture. Also, completely stripping the hair changes the pH balance of your hair. If your goal is to grow your hair, then the pH balance is an integral part to retaining the length of your hair, as the pH impacts the texture and strength of your follicles. There are easy alternative methods to using sulfate shampoos and this is one of the easier ingredients to avoid.

On a side note, Behentrimonium Methosulfate (BMS) is often confused with a sulfate, but it is actually a conditioning agent that some folks swear by and can be purchased locally to add to your conditioners.

Mineral Oil

Mineral oil is in a TON of hair products. Namely because it is a cheap filler, derived from the distillation of petroleum. Since mineral oil is derived from the same substance as Vaseline many believe that mineral oil clogs the pores, however, studies have found that the mineral oil commonly found in cosmetic products is not comedogenic (clogs pores). Personally, I usually avoid it because its just cheap filler that does nothing more than expand a product.

Silicone

Women with relaxers or who frequently straighten their hair will like silicone based products because they coat the hair and add a nice slip to tresses, making the hair feel silky. Largely in the natural hair community women try to avoid anything with -cone. However, all silicones are not created equal and it can be hard to distinguish between the good and bad guys as silicones are found in most conditioners, especially deep conditioners. Silicones can be either water-soluble or water-insoluble. It is the insoluble silicones that you want to avoid, like Dimethicone, as they heavily coat the hair and are difficult to remove. Any silicone product that has “amo”, “amine” or “amino” in it, is also a water-insoluble and chemically altered making it difficult to remove from hair. Cyclomethicone is a water-soluble silicone that easily dissolves from hair is often used to leave the silky feeling to your hair.

Parabens

Parabens offer no benefit to the hair, they are simply cheap preservatives that give products a longer shelf life. On the downside, parabens have been rumored to be linked to breast cancer. The studies are still being debated, but since parabens aren’t much help to the health of your hair, it’s easy to skip out on this ingredient and go for the paraben-free hair products.

Always remember to choose what works for your hair and keep to realistic goals that work for your lifestyle so you won’t put too much faith or too many expectations on a conditioner or butter. Do your research and understand the methods that work for your hair as it’s an ever-evolving experience. If you have any other questions, tweet me @jouelzy.

Jouelzy offers tutorials on all aspects of Black hair care via her YouTube channel, focusing on women with tight budgets. You can also find her daily hair tips and inspirations on Facebook.

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asassywoman.com

You’ve thought about pills, procedures, even considered going the Monistat route, but realized that the quick fix is not always the safest. Although genetics will play a role in your hair’s terminal length, there are steps that you can take to boost growth and reach your optimal hair health. If it seems like you’ve tried everything and nothing is working, check out these ten steps that will help you achieve your goals of healthy hair– the natural way.

Low Manipulation

There’s an old wives tale that brushing your hair 100 strokes per day will help it flourish, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Tugging stresses your tresses point blank period. This also goes for twirling strands around your finger, constant combing (yes, even with a wide-tooth comb) and styling hair daily. The best way to avoid this is to wear hair in a way that allows you to easily refresh with minimal manipulation such as twist-outs, ponytails and roller sets.

Dear Lloyd’s Hair,

India Arie sang that she was not her hair. That was a lesson we all needed to learn; but as the saying goes, there’s an exception to every rule. And you, Lloyd’s hair sir, are that exception. Normally, shoulder-length hair on a grown man is a bit of a turn off but your presence atop Lloyd’s head made him. With you, Lloyd was the R&B dude with the silky, long hair all the girlies simultaneously envied and wanted to play in.

Now that inches of you have been shaved off and thrown into some filthy garbage can, your host scalp Lloyd has resorted to singing desperate songs about p*ssy, nothing like the power you provided when you and Lloyd created “Get it Shawty” together.  I’d argue that there’s a correlation.  Remember Sampson from the Bible? Hair can be vitally important to a man. You were Lloyd’s appeal, his je nesais quoi, his strength.

Without you, Lloyd found himself in trouble he never faced when you were there for him. Remember you, Lloyd’s hair, were the one that caused that unnecessary beef with Miguel and his hair? If I’m going to be honest, I have to admit that you and Miguel’s hair really did resemble one another.  Shame on you for biting Miguel’s style, Lloyd’s hair! You know these R&B dudes are sensitive! Why are you trying to start stuff? Rebelling is not the way you get the attention you seek. You should be focusing your energies on growing and attaining the glory you once knew.

I see now that Lloyd has given you permission to grow out a bit. While this is ultimately the solution; in the short term, your temporary growth has only made a bad situation worse. We know the only way for you to return to your former lusciousness is to grow out but this transition stage is not your finest moment. When we saw you and Lloyd on a talent competition show in Denmark, we couldn’t help but see the resemblance between the two of you and a muppet version of Sammy Davis Jr. It was just all bad. Your boy is walking around looking like a hot mess and you’re the one to blame.  This horrible situation could have been avoided if only you had just stayed in your position.

Up until now, I’ve been pretty hard on you, Lloyd’s hair. But it’s only because “you are more than what you’ve become.” I know you’re capable of returning to your silky, shiny splendor and making us remember why we watched Lloyd’s videos in the first place. Your acquiescence to Lloyd’s orders have proved disastrous for the both of you but now it’s time to rebuild and re-grow.

Let’s get it [shawty],

Renay

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The journey to healthier relaxed hair can seem daunting, especially when it means giving up habits you’ve grown accustomed to over the years. Fortunately, for every bad habit you give up there’s a good one waiting to replace it. Let’s take a look at some of the most common relaxed hair faux pas and what you should be doing instead to keep your head of hair healthy…

If you’re natural, you’re sure to have a number of these annoying single strands knots (aka fairy knots) lurking around your hair. To be honest, they are totally normal due to the structure of afro-textured hair and there is nothing you can do to get rid of all of them—unless, of course, you choose to cut your hair. However, there are ways to keep them at an absolute minimum. Keep reading to find out how!

2011 will unfortunately be known to many as the year when “Heauxs Were Winning.”  The public watched Basketball “wives” snag baller after baller and witnessed countless rappers wife up video vixens and booty models.  Comment sections across the world-wide web were stampeded by readers holding their college degrees and dignity high above their heads like swords. In shock and horror, they questioned how these men were overlooking sophisticated, educated women to flaunt big bootied brainless beauty queens on their arms. (Of course we assumed that if a woman’s biggest claim to fame is a KING magazine cover, she automatically has to be an idiot).

What many women failed to question was  A) Were these women as clueless or uncouth as we assumed they were?  B)  Whether or not these men placed as much value on class, sophistication and education as some of their female counterparts and C) Why are so many of us attracted to men whose priorities in a potential mate include fat booty, frying chicken, and freak in the sheets?

This got me thinking that although many women think they know what men want, it’s more likely that we’ve created an idea of what we think men SHOULD want.  Some of the things that we value in relationships and sex simply don’t matter much to some men, and men desire completely different things from a woman based on whether a relationship is solely sexual or soul mate material.  The quicker more women understand this, the sooner they too will be “winning.”

What you are about to read is a written account based on what I as a woman have witnessed from the values expressed by a variety of men. If you are truly interested in what a man values in a woman, try asking one.

1.  A College Degree

In no way am I telling you to trade in your Bachelor’s for some booty shorts, but I am willing to bet that when Drake laid eyes on Maliah, the last thing he was asking himself was if she could recite all the elements on the periodic table from memory.  Most men don’t want a brainless beauty for a wife (and you probably aren’t trying to lock down one who does) but they are visual creatures and what we woman have to understand is that if it’s 1:45 am in the club, that man whose been eye-humping you all night probably isn’t looking for his Mrs. Right as much as he is looking for Mrs. Right Now.  For some reason, many woman like to use their education as a reason why they are more wifey material than the girl dropping it low in so and so’s video.  And hopefully you’re struggling through that Calculus class because you know it will give you a better chance at a successful future and not just the next eligible bachelor.  An education is a valuable asset, but it doesn’t guarantee you a good man over the girl dancing for dollars.