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From YourTango

According to an article in The Atlantic, “The National Marriage Project reports that 58 percent of first births in lower-middle-class households and 40 percent of all U.S. births are to unwed mothers.” This is being attributed to young adults in the United States who delay getting married until their mid-20s.

This means that more and more single moms are out there navigating uncharted territory and they are definitely not a one-size-fits-all group. Maybe they are parenting without an active father. Maybe they’re single, but co-parenting with the child’s father. Maybe they are co-parenting with a stepfather. And then there are those women who find themselves parenting alone the death of a co-parent.

I fell into that last group. I got married and found myself parenting our two boys alone after my husband died. So, I’d like to share some lessons I learned you might find helpful as you walk down the path of being a single mother.

Read more at YourTango.com.

Surely, by now you’ve learned that today is our First Lady, Michelle Obama’s 49th birthday. In just the short time we’ve known of Mrs. Obama, we watched her in pride and admiration. In that time of observation we’ve learned a few things from the our beloved First Lady, see what they are…

Never take yourself too seriously

If you’ve watched Michelle in the past 4+ years, you’ve noticed that she’s hit the dougie for the “Let’s Move” campaign, she let the family dog Boo sit on her lap while she was reading a story at a children’s hospital and during the Olympics she let one of the female wrestlers pick her up and both of the women posed for a photo. Michelle is the first lady of the United States of America and could easily have sunk into that “I’m too good for this,” mode. But instead, she’s remained down to earth, approachable and even fun. No wonder the country loves her so much.

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You cannot reward foolishness and expect a different outcome

This truth spans romantic relationships, friendships, and even professional partnerships. You cannot reward people for poor behavior and expect them to act any differently than they always have. A reward doesn’t have to be a monetary token, although in business relationships it typically is, but your simple presence in someone’s life and your decision to remain there despite not having your needs met is rewarding the other person. If there are no consequences to their actions, i.e. you are still actively invested in their wellbeing or paying them for services not up to your standards, there is no motivation for the other party to treat you better or rise to the occasion. After so many instances of poor treatment, the issue becomes yours and not theirs, after all, what indication would they have that they need to change if they are still reaping the same benefits as someone who is doing what they should? Not to mention, you will not be taken seriously if you only threaten to halt the rewards if things don’t change, yet you still remain in the various relationships despite the lack thereof. The only solution is to remove yourself or your investment from the situation in order to demand and receive a more positive outcome. — Brande Victorian

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By now, January 3, you ‘ve thought about the year that just passed. Hopefully, as you reflected you found that the year was full of more good than bad; but even if that wasn’t the case, there was definitely a lesson to be learned from it all. We checked in with our Facebook and Twitter followers to see what they had to say about the lessons that they’re going to take into 2013. 

Tracy: Not to worry or stress over things I have absolutely no control over…..learning to let go and truly trust God!

Bernadette: You can’t pray and worry. Pick one!

Rachel: Physical and mental health is imperative for a successful happy life.

Melody: That if I don’t love and care for myself, others won’t either.

Robin: Last year I stopped hiding myself from the world and enjoyed my fullness, my loudness, my sassiness and make no excuse for who God made me…. I love it!

Monique: The value of money means nothing after losing a loved one. Living in happiness and peace is now my goal in life.

Shakeda: Always trust your instinct!

Tuere: A very wise, deep brotha told me that everything serves to further. Our triumphs keep us inspired, our mistakes are supposed to teach us and help us grow. Even the “bad” things that happen are supposed to be calls to action for us. They are there to get our attention. No matter the outcome, it ALL serves a purpose. Even if he only came into my life to deliver that message, he was a blessing for me.

Gerilyn: Don’t hold back life is truly what u make it, embrace ur God given gifts nd believe they’ll carry u through

Evita: That one sentence can change your life forever. My six-year-old son was diagnosed with Medulloblastoma; a brain cancer. He was a normal kid and we had no signs. I used to complain about my life being mundane before and now I WISH I had that “mundane” life back. Appreciate what you have now; you never know how long you’ll have it.

Mahalia: I learned that yeah your heart will be broken a couple of times. But you shouldn’t stop loving because a couple of bad people abused the privilege. Keep an open heart and you will find true happiness nothing is wrong with you!

Sheena: No matter who or what comes into your life, putting your children first will always bear the richest rewards! God blessed you with the gift of a child, so cherish, love and nurture it and He will never turn his back on either of you!

Nosi: When going through adversity there is always a break through!! Key word THROUGH.. meaning it wont stay like that forever.. It will get better.

Deborah: Follow your gut whether it is a good gut feeling or an uneasy gut feeling. That gut feeling is The Holy Spirit covering you in all aspects. Follow your gut it will not steer you wrong. Trust me!!!

Tynesha: To have boundaries and keep them, learn when to let people in a keep them out.

Bwann: ….Never log on ‘Worldstar.com’ as the level of ratchettness can slowly kill your brain cells and cause you to search online for more fuckery resulting in severe damage to your brain (frontal, parietal and occipital) lobes and cause memory loss!!

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From Single Black Male

One of the things I look forward to most when I think about fatherhood is passing along to my son all of the nuggets of wisdom I’ve learned from my years of learning women. I never got to experience these things with my father so a big part of me looks forward to experiencing with my son. His first crush, first girlfriend, first love. I picture us sitting together, glasses filled with something old and dark as I slowly begin revealing to him the secrets of manhood a father reveals to his son when his son becomes a man. One Sunday, while he’s home visiting from wherever his life has taken him, he’ll come downstairs and ask me how I knew his mom was the one and I’ll know that he thinks he’s found his one. I’ll tell him about marriage and its imperfections, and he’ll tell me about his her. In today’s post I want to share five things about women I’d share with him, things I’ve learned along the way that might be useful to some of you … not that y’all are my sons or anything.

5. Always Have A Plan

When you meet a woman who interests you, the first step toward carving out your own little space in her life is showing her that you can be relied upon. The easiest way to show her that you’re reliable is to tell her what you’re going to do and then do it. It starts with the little things. If you take her card and tell her you’ll email her the next day, email the next day. Be on time when you meet for drinks and when you decide to have your first official date, have it planned from beginning to end. She won’t tell you how much she appreciates it right away, but appreciate it she will…

Read the rest at Single Black Male

You know what they say God or life gives you the exam first and the lesson later. As unfair as that may seem, that’s just the way of the world. The greatest lessons, the ones that really sink in are the ones we had to learn through experience aka “the hard way.” We asked some of our Facebook followers which lessons they learned not by reading a book or through observation, but by going through one of life’s trials and coming out better educated and equipped. See what they had to say. 

Mitzi: Believing some people never change, would have saved me heartbreak 18 years later

Korama: A soul in disarray is of no good to me. Learned that from my ex husband, whom i thought if i prayed hard enough and showed him a good woman he would in turn be good. He was a damaged spirit before me and attempted to damage me by any means.

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Somewhere down the line, people began devouring movies for entertainment purposes, solely, and failed to understand underlining life lessons offered by films. Simply because a movie has you buckling over with laughter or rocking on the edge of your seat in fear, it doesn’t mean that you can’t learn the importance of honesty, the value of love or the fulfillment of intellect.

Read the rest of this entry »

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More on Madame Noire!

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• The Blackest Eye: Tales of the Light Skinned Girl Who Wanted to Be Darker
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• When Keeping It Real Goes Right & Wrong: Celebs Who We Like More And Less After Doing Reality TV
• Single Black Male: 7 Reasons Black Men Take Longer to Put a Ring On It

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Dr. Maya Angelou has provided inspiration for countless people around the world throughout her lifetime. It’d be virtually impossible to measure the scope and depth her work has left on the people she’s touched; but since today marks the 84th anniversary of her birth, it’s only fitting that we at least highlight just some of gems she’s dropped on us over the past 84 years.

I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t love themselves.

This one is pretty self explanatory and completely logical. Yet and still so many of us will waste much time trying to repair broken people and being surprised when they cant reciprocate. Anyone who doesn’t love themselves can’t possibly love you in the way you want and need to be loved.

Whitley Gilbert from “A Different World” was known for her catch phrase: “Relax, Relate, Release.” It was a good lesson but I really didn’t pay much attention to it until I got to college. I had a friend who’d reference Whitley at the drop of a dime and you can’t talk about Whitley Gilbert without mentioning her three “r’s.” I always laughed at my friend’s impression because though she looked nothing like Whitley, (My friend was full figured, brown skinned and dressed more like Summer than Whitley.) she really managed to tap into her inner Gilbert when she imitated her. And whenever I was having a less than stellar day or an off moment, I’d think of friend flailing her arms and tossing her head back as she breathlessly recited the phrase, “Relax, Relate, Release” and I’d laugh.

Today turned out to be one of those wretched days. I woke up to find that my beloved computer refused to turn on. I’ve come to have a sick type of attachment to this machine. Probably because my livelihood, my goals, my entertainment, my connection to my family, friends and the outside world were associated with this MacBook Pro.

Notice I said were.

After about an hour on the phone with tech support, we learned that something was wrong with my hard drive and I would have to take it to the Apple Store. As I got myself ready to go, I thought, ‘what if they have to erase my hard drive?’ I was cool with that. All my valuables were in one place. And then I had a paralyzing moment. One thing wasn’t backed up anywhere else. I didn’t save this project, this makings of a masterpiece on a jump drive. I didn’t e-mail it to myself or anyone else. I didn’t store it in iCloud because, hell I don’t even know how to use iCloud. That admission was the beginning of the end.

Sure enough once I got to Apple they told me that my hard drive would have to be erased in order to get my computer working again. In all fairness, I could have had my files backed up but I would have had to leave the store or pay $100 just to get that one little nugget that I needed. I didn’t have time for that. I was supposed to be working…on my computer. I told them to erase away, with the hopes that maybe after the file would still be there. (The guy at the Apple’s genius bar told me there was a chance it might still be there.)

Once my computer came back on and I searched it, I realized no, it really was gone, like N’Sync. I begrudgingly left the store and on my way to the subway I fought unsuccessfully to keep myself from crying. The solitary tear that slid down my cheek was the stimulus I needed to start encouraging myself. “It’s ok. It’s ok.” I said it out loud, splitting myself so I could be the nurturing parent and inconsolable child at the same time. That made me feel a little better but I needed something else. So I tried my friend’s version of “Relax, Relate, Release.” But it didn’t work. I couldn’t release the project I’d labored over and poured myself into. It wasn’t going to work. I had to come up with a new catch phrase to deal with this predicament.

Being that I’ve loved alliteration since I first learned what it was, I knew I had to stick with the R’s. And that’s when it came to me.

Reflect, Reboot, Rebuild.

It was perfect.

I had to do some serious reflecting on why I didn’t back up my work, something that was so precious to me, when I know from prior experience just how fickle this technology we rely on can be. I had to reflect on my present sadness because I never want to feel this again. I have  to do better.

But I couldn’t continue to wallow so I had to reboot. I couldn’t keep kicking myself for not having done it. It was over. And instead of hanging around the Apple Store mourning over the project I’d lost I had to adjust my attitude and move on.

And lastly I have to rebuild. Even though the project I’d so lovingly dedicated myself to for the past four months was dead and gone, I, the creator of that project am still here. If I had the ability to create then, I can create again, now with a couple more days worth of wisdom.

But this new catch phrase doesn’t just apply to my little computer situation. There have been countless times where life threw a curve ball, most times bigger than a failed hard drive. Times where I’ve had to find the lesson in a sucky situation. We all have a story like that and truthfully there are more curve balls ahead, for all of us. It’s going to be rough but I know I’m armed and ready to confront them and comfort myself with the new R’s.

Do you have a catch phrase to help you get through tough predicaments? Do share.

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