Sometimes, after you break things off with your ex, you never see them again… not in the back aisles of bodegas, nor at the concerts of mutually-enjoyed musicians. Depending on how your relationship ended, you’re lucky enough not to see their mug again. Then, there are other exes, those who are always around. They are visible, they make frequent appearances, they know your schedule, they ‘like’ everything on your Facebook wall and Instagram, and/or they still talk to all of your friends. Despite the fact that you two are no longer an item, your ex has failed to get the memo that you both need to move on.

Once, I had an ex who called me every day for the next six months after our short relationship ended, even when he’d moved on to another relationship. I had another ex who would tattle to a mutual friend anytime he saw me hanging out with other guys, claiming that I was being “out of control.” Some exes don’t know how to mind their own business, and some of them need to find business of their own. We’ve all had to deal with a person like this at least once.

Some people are unable to step away from their fallen relationships. Geared by certain motivations, they decide to hang around for a number of reasons, including: personal history, lingering attraction, persisting emotion, fear, or not feeling a sense of closure.  And, sometimes, people hang around just so they can stay in your system, and remain relevant. While they don’t necessarily want to be with you, they can’t resist an urge to check on you, access you, and/or make sure that your happiness doesn’t exceed theirs. Their actions not being based on wanting you back, missing you, or caring deeply for you, they often behave this way because it’s simply a matter of them not wanting anyone else to be with you. They suddenly see your value once others are appraising you, and that somehow provokes some insane sense of entitlement in them that compels the person to infringe on your time, make off-hand comments, or to be all-around haters.

Even if your ex has your best intentions in mind, (i.e. calling to check on how you’re doing, being emotionally available) it’s important to gain some sort of distance post breakup, otherwise it produces confusion, and the situation becomes murky. Very solid lines that were been drawn when you two broke up can suddenly become blurred, and the thought of “Why did we break up in the first place?” surfaces. It’s easy to stumble back into a relationship, especially when your ex is a concerned and helpful person. This isn’t to say that you and your ex can’t ever be friends or that you and your ex can’t give it a second go, but it’s important to gain that initial distance for a few reasons.

Number one: if you’re not careful, you might end up bedding him simply because feelings were amidst, and you were feeling sentimental and vulnerable. Number two: you don’t want to use your ex, which can be the can be the case with kind overly-attached exes. As flattering as it is that your ex will still travel several miles out of his way to pick up your dry cleaning, you don’t want to take advantage of that kindness, especially if those kind things are are only being done in order to lure you back into a relationship. Number three: if you decide that the two of you should get back together, remembering why you broke up is really important, and a few nice gestures won’t cure ongoing issues. Make sure you take the proper amount of time to digest your break-up before making the decision to get back with that person.

No longer being with your ex grants you the permission to do whatever you need/want to do, despite the fact that a nosy ex can be a naysayer. Try to vocalize your position to your ex if you’re feeling overwhelmed by them, and try to inform them that while their opinions were once held with the greatest esteem, it’s time for them to take a step way back. Like way back and out of the picture.

There is only one difference between the crazy girlfriend and the cool girlfriend: the crazy one says what’s on her mind all the time. But be real: we all have mean, rude, selfish, paranoid and even insane thoughts occasionally. The trick to a successful relationship is gaining control over those thoughts, and learning when to speak up and when to bite your tongue, count to ten, and let it pass.

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Yesterday we unveiled our new series “I Always Wanted To Ask,” which garnered a lot of mixed reviews. Most people stopped dead in their tracks at the thought of being questioned about being jealous of a white woman but there was a lot of dialogue you missed between Madame Noire and the ladies of The Frisky.

Check out the extended cut of episode 1 in which we talk about interracial dating from the perspective of those who’ve actually had that experience. Watch as we delve into everything from assumed stank eyes, exoticism, and sexual myths about not just Black and White women, but also Black and White men. Enjoy!

KEEP THE DISCUSSION GOING WITH MORE EPISODES OF I ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH!

• “I Always Wanted to Ask: Interracial Dating” 
  
• “I Always Wanted To Ask: Interracial Dating” [EXTENDED]
• “I Always Wanted To Ask: White People And The N-Word”
• “I Always Wanted To Ask: Do White People Recognize White Privilege?”
• “I Always Wanted To Ask…What’s Up With The Hair?”

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

If there’s any topic that gets Black women riled up it’s interracial dating. Though most of us have tucked our reactions into the “I don’t care pile,” a number of us are still known for having a bit of a ‘tude when we see a White woman on a Black man’s arm. But why? Are we jealous? Do we think the chosen White woman sees herself as some kind of trophy? Do we want Black men all to ourselves? These are the types of assumptions that are being made on all sides of the coin, so why not get to the bottom of these misconceptions and address them as best we can? That’s what we did in our new series, “I Always Wanted To Ask.”

Yesterday, we gave you an intro to the series and some background info on the ladies whose opinions are included. Now it’s time to delve into the convo. This is “I Always Wanted To Ask:” Interracial Dating.

KEEP THE DISCUSSION GOING WITH MORE EPISODES OF I ALWAYS WANTED TO ASK.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH!

• “I Always Wanted to Ask: Interracial Dating” 
  
• “I Always Wanted To Ask: Interracial Dating” [EXTENDED]
• “I Always Wanted To Ask: White People And The N-Word”
• “I Always Wanted To Ask: Do White People Recognize White Privilege?”
• “I Always Wanted To Ask…What’s Up With The Hair?”

Source: Bravo

I’m a lowkey fan of Real Housewives of Atlanta ‘s Kandi so when I read on her Bravo blog that Nene’s fans were coming for her after Sunday night’s show I was super confused. Kandi is just about the only person in the history of the RHOA franchise who can say she doesn’t seek out drama and from what I’ve seen, anything she’s had to say about Nene, she not only said it to friends but also to Nene’s face. Nevertheless, her Twitter timeline was full of accusations that the reality star is a jealous, two-faced hater, to which Kandi replied: “LOL! Whatever!”

Here’s what she wrote on her blog:

“I am not jealous of NeNe at all. I’m very happy for her success. I’m definitely not two-faced, because I have been very honest about my feelings towards NeNe all along. Clearly NeNe knows how I feel, because you heard Cynthia say that, “NeNe doesn’t understand why you don’t like her.” I think it’s a bit much to say that I don’t like her, because I don’t have any dislike for her. I just think that I’m very guarded when it comes to her.”

So why is Kandi so guarded?

“I think [Nene] plays the women of this show just like chess,” Kandi wrote. “I’m an observer. I just sit back and watch. When people think I’m not paying attention, I am. NeNe is a smart woman and she plays a game to benefit her at all times. There’s nothing wrong with that. I find it funny how over the years she’ll dog somebody out for doing the same exact thing she has already done or said, as if she has never done or said it. And then everyone starts siding with her as if they don’t remember the bulls**t she did or said.

“It frustrates me when I get people tweeting me asking, “Why do you feel that way about NeNe?” I’m like, did you just start watching RHOA or something? She’s been making snide remarks about me since I first came on the show. I’m one of those people that if we start off on the wrong foot, then you’ve pretty much set the tone for how it’s going to be, and clearly she and I started on the wrong foot. I try to be cool, because we are in the same circle. I know that we’re going to be around each other a lot, so I’m always cordial. Overall I respect NeNe, I just don’t deal with her too much.”

I have to say I think Kandi’s assessment is 100 percent on point. What reason would she have to be jealous of Nene? She’s been getting money since 1999. Nene may be the most notable member of he RHOA cast, but I would think Kandi is definitely the one bringing in the most money and it appears to me she’d rather be doing things behind the scenes that make money, like running her own businesses, than being the face of a show or two and bringing in just a couple of paychecks. Like she said, Nene is a smart business woman and if there’s nothing you can do for her, she will remove you from her life. Ring a bell Kim?

What do you think about Kandi’s take on Nene?

From yourtango.com

In honor of National Singles Week, I’d like to throw this out there: Being unattached has some serious perks. My friends and I are all in our early 20s, so we’re at varying relationship stages. Some are engaged, some (like myself) are in long-term relationships, some are playing the field and others are living (and loving) the single life.

And man, sometimes I just get jealous of the single ones.

I haven’t been paired up for too long; my boyfriend and I are learning new things about one another every day. And though I’m very happy in my relationship (thank you very much!) I was plenty happy when I was single, too, and there are many things I miss. Here’s a list that should aptly be titled “My boyfriend might break up with me after reading this.”

1. Flirting. Or, more specifically, flirting without shame or regret.

2. The chase. The biggest chase that will happen in a relationship is likely when your boyfriend steals the remote during an ABC Family screening of The Notebook.

3. The remote control. Speaking of the remote. Honey, I love you, but I don’t want to watch footballall of the time.

Read more at: yourtango.com

More on Madame Noire!

• Okay, I’ll Submit. But Are You Ready To Love Me? (You Know, Like Christ Loved The Church)
• An Open Letter To The Almighty Goatee
• It’s Not About You Boo: Times When Your Sensitivity Gets In The Way
• Bet You Didn’t Know: Secrets Behind The Making Of “How Stella Got Her Groove Back”
• “Girl, You’ve Got a Big ‘Ol Juicy Booty!” 7 Ways Men Hurt Their Chances With Women
• The Danger Of Marrying For Practical Purposes: Why I Think Those Who “Settle” Are Potential Cheaters
• The Thirst Files: She Pulled A Disappearing Act, I Got Desperate

true-gentleman.com

Every woman thinks she’s a “cool” girlfriend—that she is laid back, goes with the flow, lets her man do what he wants. But, are you really? Here are 7 signs your guy might be walking on eggshells for you…

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essence.com

It’s the most painful thing: falling for someone who is taken. Not only can you not have them, but you have to see them with someone else. And if you don’t see them, I know you’re picturing them together. There are many different ways the scenario of loving a taken man can go down. And you have to navigate it carefully.

Here are some tips to ease the pain just a bit..

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Here’s the thing about controlling men: they unfortunately have some nice qualities too, and those are the qualities you are going to fall for. They are probably the ones that the man will bring out the most while he is still trying to trap you into his…um…I mean, impress you.

By that time, you’re already attached to him. So when he begins telling you that you need to tell all your male friends that you can’t seem them anymore, or that he will suspect you’re cheating unless you give him the password to your email and phone, it’s too hard to walk away. You probably even tell yourself it’s because he cares about me SO much. Reality check: it’s because he is majorly insecure and rather than facing that fact, he turns his insecurities outwards onto you.

He’s not paranoid; you led him to feel like you were cheating, right? And, he isn’t the jealous type; all of your male friends are actually trying to sleep with you and break up your relationship, right? WRONG…

There are a few subtle signs to look out for on the first date that are pretty accurate indicators of whether or not a man will be controlling. If you see them, run.

Dear Champ (and opinionated readers),

It’s taken me a while to write to you, but as the time nears, I find myself more compelled to seek outside guidance. I was blessed to fall in love with my best friend of 3 years. We have now been together for a year and some change. A little background info: before we got together he was running through women faster than Ex-Lax (which was fine, he wasn’t my man), and I had my share of male suitors also, so there was understanding on both parts. After a couple of years he started acting really possessive and jealous around my guy friends. Finally he sat me down and explained that he saw what a good woman I was and how no one ever treated him how I did and how he wanted to be together. I didn’t necessarily feel the same way, but I loved a lot of his characteristics, so I figured I could tolerate the few negative attributes so that I could enjoy the many positive attributes.

Now, although I’ve stopped talking to my guy friends (lunch dates, phone calls, text, FB) you name it, I’ve cut communication because he flips about it; he’s still talking to chicks (FB, chat lines, ooVoo) you name it and he’ll find a way to chop up girls. Now, although I’m not a jealous person, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about this situation. He says that sometimes he just needs to talk to someone other than me. Why can’t he talk to a guy or something? He doesn’t have any real friends to talk to or family to vent. This is his argument when I bring up the fact that he would have a tantrum if I talked to other guys, he says I have plenty of friends and family I can call up. I guess my first question is: should I be skeptical of him talking to all of these chicks?

I’m good about checking his phone, and although he says some things I wouldn’t say to my ‘friends’, I’ve never found anything that suggests he’s having physical contact with these chicks. This is a lot, I know, but the second part is that he’s going to be going to jail for a year in a couple of months, and I don’t know what to do to assure him that I’m not interested in ‘getting payback’ for the fact that he talks to chicks, but has made me cut all ties with my guy friends. As you can probably tell, he’s really jealous and I don’t want this time apart to put more strain on him and our relationship than necessary. Any and all suggestions are welcome. Thanks.

Fond Of Our Love

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