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It’s bad enough that as women, many of us have to deal with cattiness, jealousy and envy amongst both friends and foes alike as soon as we step out the door each day; but resentment within your own bedroom can be extremely cancerous to an otherwise solid relationship.  I remember a serious relationship I had with a guy who would fight me over the mirror.  And don’t let us go out and a stranger, man or woman, compliment my hair or outfit, suddenly I was bombarded with sarcastic comments like, “Oh, so what you think you’re the ish now?”  Instead of being proud of having me on his arm, he was offended that he wasn’t the main feature in the random flattery.  It was almost as if it could never be just about me.

It’s natural to feel a little slighted when it seems as if life goes so well for others, while you’re always dealt a bad hand.  It can even be hard to be happy for others when you’re unfulfilled with yourself, especially when that success is close enough for you to sleep next to.  But a relationship is about supporting the person you care for, and in many ways being a part of their happiness should make you feel the same way by default.  Mismanaged jealously and competitiveness can cause cracks that can eventually make a relationship crumble.

If your guy regularly displays the following signs, he may be too busy attending his own pity party to celebrate your success:

Being in love should transform you. It should make you want to be a better person. It should give you new, broader ways of looking at things. It should make you more comfortable in your own skin. But, do you notice that last point? While being unwilling to change at all makes you—honestly—a miserable partner, the changes you make for your partner should never make you feel restricted, like you have to look over your shoulder constantly, or feel less comfortable in your own skin. Don’t ever let a man think he’s “improving” you by making you give up the following things.

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Talking to your friends about your relationship

If your man asks you not to discuss your relationship with your girlfriends, there are two issues here: 1) Women bond over discussing their relationships! He’s keeping you from one of the most fun parts of hanging with girlfriends, and 2) WHY is he so worried about your friends hearing about the details of your relationship? The only reason he should care is if he thinks those details will make your girlfriends stop and say, “Hold on. You need to end this relationship! It’s not healthy!” But, if that’s the case, it is so whether your friends point it out or not, and even he knows it.

Here’s the thing about controlling men: they unfortunately have some nice qualities too, and those are the qualities you are going to fall for. They are probably the ones that the man will bring out the most while he is still trying to trap you into his…um…I mean, impress you.

By that time, you’re already attached to him. So when he begins telling you that you need to tell all your male friends that you can’t seem them anymore, or that he will suspect you’re cheating unless you give him the password to your email and phone, it’s too hard to walk away. You probably even tell yourself it’s because he cares about me SO much. Reality check: it’s because he is majorly insecure and rather than facing that fact, he turns his insecurities outwards onto you.

He’s not paranoid; you led him to feel like you were cheating, right? And, he isn’t the jealous type; all of your male friends are actually trying to sleep with you and break up your relationship, right? WRONG…

There are a few subtle signs to look out for on the first date that are pretty accurate indicators of whether or not a man will be controlling. If you see them, run.