All Articles Tagged "Iyanla Vanzant"

The Truth About Emotional Abuse and “Fixing Your Life”

March 29th, 2015 - By Brooke Dean
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While watching the interview between Iyanla Vanzant and Karrueche Tran last night, I got this familiar feeling. It was hard to pinpoint at first, but as I hung onto every word, every question, every answer that was presented in the interview, I no longer felt like I was watching someone else’s life story play out on TV – I was in a counseling session of my own.

As Iyanla pointed out to Karrueche in the beginning of their discussion, Karrueche’s story isn’t exclusive to just her…or even just women in her age range. While it may seem that women in their 20’s are the only ones who make certain decisions when it comes to relationships, a grown woman such as myself has made the same mistakes well into her 30’s and beyond. Staying in emotionally and mentally abusive relationships way longer than we should was something I could totally relate to, and as I watched Karrueche search her mind to understand why she did it, all I could do is see myself in her eyes. She wanted to be heard, but she also didn’t want to be judged. But when you’re in a situation that you know is unhealthy, there is no “good” answer you can give as to why you stayed that doesn’t involve coming to the conclusion that you are broken somewhere inside…and that’s hard to face.

Emotional abuse can be hard to quantify, whereas physical abuse can show an obvious line in the sand. And even when physical abuse is involved, it’s still difficult for some women to leave out of fear. So imagine trying to justify staying when it’s “only” emotional abuse…so far as we could tell anyway. I don’t recall Iyanla asking Karrueche if Chris ever laid a hand on her, but I do recall her asking if she knew about his past with regard to the physical violence against Rihanna. Most of us would say that we’d never date someone who we knew beat up another woman. But like most women, Karrueche thought she’d be the one to change him. She said she wanted to love him, because that’s what he needed. She wanted to love him into being a better person and she felt like a fool when loving him wasn’t enough.

I know, because I’ve done that myself. We think if we love him hard enough, he’ll see “the light.” If we provide a good example of what love is, he’ll have no choice but to love us back the same way in return. And when that doesn’t work, we love harder. We fight to stay with someone who is doing nothing to keep us. And then the dysfunctional attachment becomes “normal” to us until we either wake up and come to the realization that no amount of love can “save” him, or we hit rock bottom within our own soul that we now have to save ourselves.

While I cannot imagine living out such drama publicly as Karrueche has with her relationship, I found myself wishing last night that I had the public scrutiny, gossip and even ridicule she has endured in order to force me to leave sooner. So many women suffer emotional (and physical) abuse in silence for fear of being judged by those close to them. They keep it a secret because they know deep down inside they’re not ready to remedy their situation, so rather than listening to friends and family wonder why you’d stay in a situation like that, you hold on to your pain and shame in silence. It wasn’t until I told my sister and best friend of the abuse that I suffered that I knew I was ready to actually do something about it. I knew they’d support me and hold me accountable. And a weight had been lifted. Hopefully Karrueche feels free as well.

While I’m no therapist or life coach, I felt like even in the midst of all her pain, Karrueche was still trying to protect Chris Brown. I felt like Rihanna did the same when she finally spoke out about her abuse. That is what we women (and some men) tend to do…nurture, protect and be loyal to the very men who hurt us but claim to love us. We want to believe that what they actually feel for us IS love. But while our abusers may love us the only way they know how, you have to come to the conclusion that anything that feels less than love is not good enough. Love shouldn’t feel disrespectful, fearful, belittling, humiliating, retaliatory or physically painful. Love is supposed to make you feel good and build you up, not bad and tear you down. My prayer for myself, Karrueche and all the women who have suffered – and are suffering now – with emotional abuse is that we find the strength to face our situation head on and finally choose to love ourselves enough to leave…for good.

Jay Williams, Man With 34 Kids, Is Coming Back To TV…With His Own Show

March 25th, 2015 - By Veronica Wells
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jay williams is coming back to tv

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Oprah and OWN are determined to dominate the ratings this year. Now that the network has pinpointed exactly what it is viewers want to see, they’re on a roll.

This September the network is sticking to the formula and reuniting with Jay Williams. For those who don’t remember, Williams is the man with 34 children by 17 different women. Iyanla sat down with him and several mothers of his children for one of her “Fix My Life” shows.

According to Variety, this time around Jay, of Atlanta, will have his own show where he will try to mend the relationships with his family, children and mothers of his children. Iyanla will be helping to guide him along the way.

While Jay certainly needs to “do the work,” to borrow a phrase from Iyanla, I do wonder if all of this fame and recognition is going to his head.

At the same time, with his track record, full of irresponsibility,  it’s doubtful that Jay would attempt to repair these relationships without the cameras around.

Which might have been what his daughter was arguing all those months ago when she said she resented Iyanla for giving her father another way to dodge his issues. 

I still don’t believe Iyanla is to blame, particularly when Jay is ultimately the only person who can hold himself accountable. But I do get the sense that he’s more interested in being seen than he is in repairing and rebuilding the relationships he’s broken.

What do you think about Jay getting his own show? Is it more hurtful than helpful?

She Is Protective And Forgiving: Iyanla Vanzant Shares Thoughts On Karrueche Tran Show

March 23rd, 2015 - By Veronica Wells
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Iyanla Vanzant Shares Thoughts On Karrueche Tran Show

Source: OWN

 

We’re all waiting anxiously for this Saturday when OWN airs the highly anticipated interview with Iyanla Vanzant and Karrueche Tran. And though we’ll have to be patient, Iyanla Vanzant recently spoke to Sister2Sister about the upcoming episode and what we can expect to see from Ms. Karrueche Tran on Saturday, March 28.

“The thing that was so surprising to me is how protective and forgiving she is of Chris. She repeatedly offered that he is only human and humans make mistakes. She said she knows he loves her and she just wishes things could change for him. I think I am a bit more troubled by his behavior than she is. I am disturbed that he has such a gift and blessing and continues to dishonor God, himself and women with no accountability. Prison was punishment and punitive. It did not teach responsibility or accountability for his behavior or as the steward of a gift. Anyway, she made no attempt to bash him and will probably come across as naive and relatable”

This really isn’t all that surprising. Karrueche has been excusing bad behavior. Hopefully, her interview with Iyanla will help her achieve some type of clarity.

Watch: Iyanla Vanzant To Speak To Karrueche Tran

March 17th, 2015 - By Veronica Wells
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Source: OWN

Source: OWN

Ooo chile! TV is so delicious these days. And I can see right now that Oprah and her OWN network are determined to win the entire game. It was just two weeks ago that we learned Chris Brown fathered a child while he was dating Karrueche Tran. And right around the time she was trying to process it all, the OWN crew reached out to speak to her.

She’s not going to be sitting down with Oprah for a “Next Chapter” interview, she’s about to get a dose of realness from the one and only Auntie Iyanla Vanzant.

From the sneak peek recently posted on the network’s Facebook page, Iyanla is going to be asking some pretty hard questions.

He betrayed you 

He lied to you 

He did it all publicly

How did you find out that he had a baby by another woman?

Have you spoken to him 

And finally: What I want people to know about Chris Brown is ________?

I’m sure we could think of some adjectives to put in that blank.

Check out the preview in the video below.

 

The sit down will air on OWN Saturday March 28th at 8|7c.

We’re there!

“Who Holds Him Accountable?” Amina Mosley, Eldest Child Of Jay Williams, Writes Open Letter To Iyanla

October 13th, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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Eldest Child Of Jay Williams Writes Open Letter To Iyanla

Source: Tumblr

We’ve talked extensively about Jay Williams and his large family on this site. We’ve talked about his parents, the women who had his children and even the other men who seem to be following in his footsteps. And while Iyanla said she dealt so heavily with the mothers because she knew they were raising the children, aside from that meeting with Jay on the couch, we didn’t hear too much from them.

Well, all of that changed recently when Jay’s oldest child, daughter Amina Mosley, wrote an open letter to Iyanla, sarcastically thanking her for fixing her father. In it, she explains that instead of being held accountable for his actions, Jay got to walk away from the experience a bit of a superstar, without dealing with the broken relationships with his children.

See what she had to say.

I joined my siblings on the couch as we sat across from you, and then my father entered the room.  In that particular moment, it felt like seeing a ghost. I hadn’t had any contact with my Father in over a year, and I was not at all pleased to be in presence. I just could not seem to wrap my head around my father knowing exactly how to reach me and where to find me all of this time but was only willing to talk when there was a camera around. Needless to say, my guard was up, and I did not believe that anything positive could come from this show. I began to worry about my siblings feelings, my family’s reputation, and I even questioned how I could receive any healing with my Father from that conversation. I left Atlanta feeling frustrated. All of the feelings about my Father that I had long since suppressed had resurfaced, and I did not want to deal with them, so I didn’t. I tucked my feelings away as I had so effortlessly done before, out of site out of mind. That is until the first show aired.

It was as if I was listening to someone else’s story, about a family that I didn’t even know. I could not believe that this man has 34 children! I could not believe that all of these women just let him get away with this! Why didn’t he just get a vasectomy? How did he get to this point? Furthermore, How can this be “fixed”? So just like any other viewer, I tuned into the next episode, and the next, and the next.  I was able to see how what he created actually looked from another perspective, and was left with one question: Who holds him accountable?

So here’s what I learned from this process; It was never about highlighting the extraordinary circumstances of my family, it was about healing and finding your inner peace.  This has tested my ability to compartmentalize the feelings that I have toward my father, so that I don’t allow his mistakes to mold my decisions.  I also have to be cautious as not to project my feelings onto others. I am not just the eldest of 34. Who I am and what I feel as an individual does matter.  His absence in my life is not a detriment.  In fact, it has actually made me stronger, and serves a greater purpose. I know that things may not ever be perfect between my father and I. I am also aware that the time has passed for him to be a Dad, but I felt that this experience would at the least open up  dialogue between us, possibly even maybe one day developing a friendship. So, with that thought in mind, before I left Atlanta I took a picture with my Grandfather and my Dad just so that I could have some inspiration to hold on to.

When I look at that photo, I see a young woman standing in between two of the most important men in her life. She is happy because she knows that the man to her right loves her, provides for her, protects her and she trusts him. She knows that when she calls he will answer, and that he will always put her first. She is his first child, Daddy’s little girl And he always has her best interest at heart.

She also knows that this is not real. This photo represents a “fantasy” of the Father that she never had. The reality is that this is the first photo she has ever taken with the two of these men together at the same time.

“I Trusted You And You Left Me” Iyanla Tells Man With 28 Children What It’s Like To Be A Single Mother

October 6th, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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Iyanla Tells Man With 28 Children

Source: OWN

After dealing with the women, the mothers of children from men who had fathered several, Iyanla turned her attention to the fathers. In this clip, Iyanla talks to another father, Nathaniel, who has 28 children from 16 different women. And what’s interesting about this conversation is that it involves four people. There’s Nathaniel, standing in front of him is Iyanla and behind Iyanla is Jeff Johnson (formerly Cousin Jeff). And behind Nathaniel is Jay Williams, the man we’ve been following for the past month and some, with 34 children, was standing with his back to him, supporting him, holding him up.

At first, she asks him what it feels like to wake up knowing he has this much responsibility on his plate.

Nathaniel: “When I think about my children, I feel helpless. I’m full of shame and guilt. I’m bitter.”

Iyanla: “Let me talk to you as a woman, as a single mother. I gave you the most intimate part of who as I am as a woman. I opened my soul to you when I allowed you to lay with me and I trusted you. I trusted that you would be there. I trusted that you were the promise that my daddy never gave me. I trusted you with my soul, with my body, with my being. I trusted you and you left me. Not only did you leave me, you left me here with this child. Just like you don’t know who you are, I don’t know who I am. And now I’ve got a child and I’ve got to figure it out. And you tell me, that you get to go off and figure it out and have other women and I’m here with your child? I don’t get to go figure it out. That’s where she is.

Nathaniel: All of them, though? Even that the ones that we weren’t in a relationship…

Iyanla: Doesn’t matter. 

Oprah called this moment one of the most powerful she’s ever seen on television. And judging by the audience reaction, she might have been right. Men and women alike were crying real tears, like twisted face tears.

If you’ve followed Iyanla’s career, you know this tidbit about her life. But rarely, have I ever seen someone so accomplished, someone who’s established themselves as a leader open up and share the raw, gut-wrenching truth about what it really feels like to be a woman who believed in a man and ending up having his child, only to have that same man leave. It was intense and so honest.

Did you watch this recap episode?

Watch the full interaction Iyanla and the man in the video below.

 

“I’m Not My Sister’s Keeper, I Am My Sister” 10 Lessons From Iyanla’s Wounded Women Follow Up

September 29th, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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Source: OWN

Source: OWN

When the story of Jay Williams and his 34 children by 17 different women aired on OWN, social media erupted with all types of judgement. Judgement for Jay and judgement for the women who dealt with him in the past and those who continue to deal with him. Iyanla said that more than anyone, she wanted to make sure the women, the mothers, were working towards healing because they were the ones who were raising the children.

So she followed up the three part series with Jay by meeting up with the women again. But this time she had other women in the audience because, as Iyanla said, over and over again, the women who had been with Jay were not all that different from us all.

If you missed the series, know that she dropped some knowledge. Here are some of the lessons we took from the episode.

“That Was Like A Message From God”: Iyanla Says Man With 34 Kids Sought Her Help After Losing His 35th Child

September 23rd, 2014 - By Victoria Uwumarogie
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As we told you from the list of things we took away from Iyanla Vanzant’s work with Jay Williams, we’ve been pretty invested in following the story of this man and his 34 children by 17 different women. Turns out, so have you, because the final part of his “Fix My Life” special brought in the show’s biggest ratings since last November. Williams has received a lot of criticism for bringing so many children into the world that he knew he wouldn’t be able to be fully present for. And when Williams contacted Vanzant with his story, she told Sister2Sister that she initially didn’t want to touch it with a ten-foot-pole because she knew it would require a lot of work, more work than she could fit in 60 minutes (make that around 45 with commercials) of television.

“I wouldn’t have done the story if I only had one episode.”

But she was moved. Vanzant says that it was the loss of his 35th child that really pushed Williams to want to do better, so after working to get a multi-part special on Williams, Vanzant got to work.

“In his mind that was like a message from God that you need to look at your kids. And I think in his assessment of his children, he realized that he wasn’t having a good relationship with his children and their mothers and he wanted to do something about that.”

And even after three episodes of trying to get down to the bottom of Williams’ issues, Vanzant says there is still more work to be done. More so for the mothers who were on the show and the women who watched it at home who entertain similar drama with the men in their lives.

“What we’re doing is, I want to have a conversation with the women because that story was about Jay, and his background and his interaction with his children and his relationship with the women. But I want to understand the women. What were they looking for? How did they allow a penis to come between us? I think that’s a conversation that requires some attention because their situation is not unique either.”

Vanzant tells us that while Williams’ story was hard to hear, we should all watch the things we say about him.

“I think that when we’re on social media spewing that negative energy, that we forget that the people we’re talking about have children, have parents, have sensitivities and have issues. People aren’t on ‘Fix My Life’ because they’re living at their highest potential.”

10 Things We Learned From Iyanla And The Man With 34 Kids

September 22nd, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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Man With 34 Kids

Source: OWN

Oprah struck a full gold mine with “Iyanla Fix My Life.” And with each season, the show gets better and better. There’s something about watching other people’s dysfunction that either, makes you see your own or makes you feel a bit better about your life. For the past three weeks, we’ve watched as Iyanla met with a man, Jay Williams, who has fathered 34 children, with 17 different women. We’ve talked about it before but now, after seeing all three parts of the mega fix, there are some things we just have to talk about.

“People Just Got So Vile And Vicious” Iyanla Speaks On Social Media Outrage Behind Her Visit To Ferguson

September 22nd, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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Source: OWN

Source: OWN

When we first learned that Iyanla Vanzant was visiting Ferguson, Missouri, shortly after Michael Brown was killed, many felt like it was too soon, or even worse that she was profiting off this tragedy. And in this day and age, with Facebook, Twitter and other forms of social media, people made their grievances known.

And while Iyanla didn’t let that stop her from continuing her service in the area, she did notice it and decided to remove herself from social media. She recently spoke about her decision to visit Ferguson and spreading negativity on the Rickey Smiley Morning Show.

“Well what happened was people didn’t understand that– well, you know we think the worst first. I became an opportunist. I was ‘taking advantage of the people’ and ‘why was I going in there?’ People just got so vile and vicious on social media and I don’t participate in things that aren’t healthy or loving. So I just pulled off.”

RIckey Smiley: I don’t understand stuff like that because we have a platform, a national platform to help you with your cause. Did you get paid for going to Ferguson?

Iyanla: No! And that was the other thing. People were upset This was the post where I said, ‘Ok, this is just insane.’ [The post read] ‘Since Iyanla and Oprah are going to make a fortune going to Ferguson, they should share it with the community.’  How did this get reduced to me making money?

I was disturbed by the images that I saw, the young men looting, the police going after the people. So I wanted to get on the ground. I went on the ground, in the community. I went to the site where Michael Brown was killed and prayed and poured libation for him because that’s coming out of my tradition. Just to get that spirit settled. I spoke to the young brothers, 15, 16, 17 years old who were masked and running up and down the street, screaming ‘No Justice, No Peace.’ And I’m like, ‘Why are you saying that? You have no justice, you have no peace. What is it that you want?’ I taught the people how to create an ask. What are you asking for?’ 

And I’m still in touch with them. I made a commitment to them. I gave them a plan of action, to pause, get clear, plan, prepare and participate. I’m still in touch with the mighty 13, young brothers that I put together to march. I made financial contributions to them. So I’m not worried about the people. What I’m worried about are the hundreds of thousands people who get on social media, powered by electronic waves and spew negativity into the universe, upon a person. We need to use our power wisely. You know how they had that campaign, “Don’t Tweet and Drive,” well I’m going to start a campaign about eliminating negativity on social media because it is dangerous. It is an energetic that we are sending out in the world and we direct that towards one person.  I could feel it in my heart, in my spirit, in my soul and so I just backed off. It’s dangerous.

You don’t have to like me but you can’t curse me. We need to understand, particularly people of color, we need to really be clear. Because the way your grand momma saved your butt from going to jail was because she got on her knees and prayed and she spoke those words out into the universe. So we’ve got to start using our power wisely.

I can relate. There really are far too many people, and yes, Black people, who are seemingly always ready and willing to tear you all the way down for every action and reaction. We saw that when we posted pictures for the #DontShoot campaign, people were saying it wasn’t enough or that we should be speaking about other issues. But when we posted news about celebrities, (in addition to the stories we’d already written about Michael Brown), folks asked why we weren’t talking about Mike Brown. You really can’t win these days. Whether you do speak, or don’t speak, there will almost always be a naysayer, who likely hasn’t done anything, attempting to piss on your efforts.

You can listen to Iyanla’s full interview with Rickey Smiley in the video below.