All Articles Tagged "interracial dating"
You probably know more about Azealia Banks than I do.
However, I’ve done my homework, and in the process, learned a lot about her. I learned that she’s incredibly feisty and outspoken on social media. I learned that she’s not shy about discussing her sex life. I learned that, despite frequently spouting coarse invective (“fa**ot,” “ni**a” and “b**ch”) about other people on Twitter, she proudly calls herself a feminist and pro-black.
I also learned this: Azealia Banks dates “lots of white guys.”
Now, from what I’ve read, she hasn’t said that she only dates white men. The “only” seems to be implied, and it’s an assumption she’s okay with, especially since someone recently asked her on Instagram why she “dated white dudes with money,” to which she offered this response:
“Because black men take black women for granted and I’m too busy with music to be fighting for my rights at home. I already have to fight for respect with the black men in hip-hop so When I get home I like things to be nice and easy. Make sense?”
Azealia Banks probably meant “Make sense?” as a rhetorical question. But “Make sense?” is something I’d like to attempt to answer here.
Or, better put, it’s something I’d like to hesitantly attempt to answer here. I say “hesitantly” because I know Banks is a lively debater and I would be nervous to actually tangle with her in verbal conflict.
My hesitant response to Banks’ “Make sense?” question would be, “Um…no. Actually, it kind of doesn’t make sense.”
To be clear, in my book, people can and should date whomever they choose. My editor Victoria likes to say, “Love is love,” and I wholeheartedly agree with that declaration. Personally, I have dated all across the rainbow. If you saw the last handful of guys I went out with, you might even think I have a singular preference for white men. But many people hear “I date white men” or “I date white women” and they insert an “only” where it doesn’t belong.
Do I date white men? Yes.
Do I only date white men? No.
If someone were to ask me, “Why do you date white men?” My answer would vary, depending on my mood and my audience. I might venture a humorous yet thoughtful response, like,“I grew up as one of only a handful of black kids in a white school. Several of my beloved family members are white (my stepmother and my stepsister). So, hey, what do you expect? An interracial relationship was kind of inevitable.”
Then again, I might act offended at the question itself, and shoot back, “Really? Are people still asking that in 2015?”
But whatever reply I’d give (if I even bothered to give one at all), I’d hasten to avoid what I call, racially escapist reasoning. Meaning, I wouldn’t say (or even imply) that I date white men because there’s something about black men that I don’t like and want to avoid. I wouldn’t make any comparisons about what white men like/do/are/say vs. what black men like/do/are/say. In fact, I wouldn’t bring up black men at all when talking about my decision to date white men. Because frankly, black men have nothing to do with it.
Which is why Banks’ racially escapist reasoning (she basically said, “Black men take black women for granted, so I date white men because they’re nice and easy”) doesn’t make sense to me.
I mean, I get it. But I only get it because I’ve heard it before. The racially escapist explanation for interracial dating is nothing new. For years, people have been similarly defending their relationship choices with some version of “I date white men/women because black men/women are too ____.” (You can fill in the blank with any generalization, like black men/women are too selfish, too aggressive, too mean, too arrogant, too needy, too nagging, too broke, too unfaithful, too untrustworthy, too stingy, too shady, etc.)
There are myriad reasons why one would date outside of their race–from the torrid (exoticism, curiosity, fetishism) to the meaningful (genuine and mutual attraction).
But my question is: Why are we still asking people who date outside of their race to explain themselves in the first place?
Then, my next question is: Why are some people’s explanations for why they date outside of their race based upon broad generalizations and blatantly dogging the so-called unsuitable mates within their race?”
Maybe I’m the only one who’s tired of the lame rationale that if you date a white man (or woman) it’s because you’ve got something against black men (or women).
I generally don’t agree with dating any type of man/woman simply because he/she seems like the antithesis to another type of man/woman. That’s not just racially speaking, either. That goes for the guy who chooses to date women with afros, only because he thinks their natural hair means they’re cooler and freer than the so-called stuck-up women who have relaxers. That also goes for the woman who chooses to date guys with a traditional 9-to-5, only because she thinks they’re more financially reliable than, say, writers and musicians who supposedly don’t pick up the check.
I don’t date one type of person simply for the sake of not dating another type of person. If I date guys from Brooklyn, it’s not because I don’t like guys from Harlem. If I date guys with beards, it’s not because I don’t like clean-cut guys. I don’t date someone because he’s the right to someone else’s wrong. I date a guy because I like him. Not because of who he’s not (not broke, not clean-cut, not black). Just because of who he is.
As a black woman who dates white men, I wish Banks had chosen another way to answer the “Why do you date white men?” question, besides reverting to racially escapist logic. So, that’s one reason why I’d say, “Um…no” to her rhetorical question of whether or not such statements “Make sense?”
The second thing is this: All black men do not take black women for granted.
Actually, no. It’s two things: 1) All black men do not take black women for granted. 2) All white men are not “nice and easy.”
I have dated a lot of black men. I can’t think of one of them who took me for granted. (Not to mention that there’s no one word or characteristic that I could summon that would accurately apply to all black men I’ve dated and/or all black men who roam the earth.)
I have dated a lot of white men. I can’t think of one of them who was unfailingly and unremittingly “nice and easy.” (I can’t think of any person or group of people on the planet who are “nice and easy,” in fact.)
There is no one way to describe all people. Period.
Giving Banks the benefit of the doubt, she may have been using a racial generalization simply as a way of being incendiary, controversial, or even artistic. But Banks’ generalizations about black men have raised eyebrows because of her self-professed “pro-black”-ness. Her outspokenness about dating white men has some people thinking that Banks is a walking contradiction.
I enthusiastically support a black woman who call herself pro-black choosing to date white men. But I’m less supportive of a black woman who calls herself pro-black bashing black men when explaining why she chooses to date white men, and vice versa.
But you tell me: What’s the most pressing matter here? Is it about whether a black woman or a black man has the right to be pro-black in life and pro-white in love? (I’m using both “pro-” terms somewhat loosely, of course. But I hope you know what I mean.) Or is it about whether or not a black person can be “pro-white” in his/her love life without being anti-black?
For me, it all goes back to Banks’ rhetorical question, “Make sense?”
“Love who you love” will always make sense to me as a way of explaining interracial relationships (if they need any explanation at all). But the “I date white men because black men…” thing? Well, that will always leave me scratching my head.
We’ve already discussed the off the wall and crass things some White guys can say when they’re dating a Black woman for the first time.
Some of them can be quite ridiculous, unimaginable even.
And to illustrate just how absurd some of these comments are, BuzzFeed put together another one of their brilliant videos, flipping the script. The video features Black women saying the same type of stereotypical, distasteful and ignorant things White guys say to Black women they’re attempting to pursue romantically.
Take a look at the video below and let us know if you got a kick out of it.
For some Black women, going on a date with a White man can be extremely nerve-wracking, especially if it’s their first time dating a white man. You might be wondering, “Will we have anything in common?” “What are going to talk about?” and “Will there be any awkward moments?” Well, in this case your best bet is to go into the date thinking that he’s just a normal guy, regardless of his race. Unfortunately, sometimes that plan fails miserably because some of these White men can’t help but keep reminding you that you are Black and they are White. It’s not that they do it on purpose, but it’s just that sometimes make certain comments that can seem annoying or even inappropriate. Making these comments cannot only ruin the date, but turn you off dating White men altogether. Not sure what I mean? Well, here is a list of the most annoying things that White men sometimes say on dates.
Luke James’ star is rising. And naturally, when an R&B singer sits down for interviews, folks want to know if he’s serenading a woman at home in addition to the hundreds and thousands of screaming fans. We’re nosy you know what it is.
And while I can’t recall Luke James ever speaking publicly about any type of romantic involvement, Sunday was the day he revealed all.
Yesterday, he tweeted this picture of a woman in a bed on Twitter with the following caption:
Some fans were all about it, congratulating Luke on being real about his relationship status with Kim Gringas the Beyoncé backup dancer. But other people didn’t take so kindly to the news. Y’all know how some people can be. There was also plenty of shade and slander surrounding the relationship with Kim because as you can see, she’s white, French actually.
So Luke deleted it. And posted this message.
And then his fans scolded him for allowing the haters to make him delete the original post and deny his booship.
Luke agreed and re-posted the picture with the following caption.
I’m with it. There’s no reason to hide. While I understand that he wants to protect his Kim from the hatred, it shouldn’t stop him from sharing his love if that’s what he feels so inclined to do.
It certainly hasn’t stopped Kim. She’s been sharing pictures of the two of them together for some time now, as far back as 5 months.
Check out a couple of pics of the couple on the next page.
What do you think about Luke and Kim? But more importantly what do you think about the negative reaction he received for presumably dating a white woman as a black man? Be honest, do you feel some type of way?
By Danielle Page For Your Tango
These statements are real, and they are ridiculous.
Q: What’s the best thing to say to someone who’s in an interracial relationship?
A: Nothing that you wouldn’t say to someone who’s dating within their race.
You’d think it would be obvious, but alas, people can say some pretty stupid things when it comes to interracial dating and relationships. Read on for some common things people hear when they’re in an interracial relationship (that they really could do without).
What do your parents think?!
“People ask my daughter, ‘have you always had a thing for Asian (or black, etc.) men?’ ‘What do your parents think?’ ‘Are you worried how the kids will look?'” – Dana, 54
I was in an interracial relationship once…
“One thing I get a lot of is women who want to tell me all about the black boyfriend they had in college whom their parents made them break up with. Another thing we both get is, ‘You must be so proud of Barack Obama!’ Why? He’s not OUR bi-racial child.” – Alina, 44
To read more about the insane things some people have to say about interracial dating visit Your Tango.
So Earnest Baker wrote an article on Gawker about interracial dating last week and proceeded to put his foot all the way in his mouth. See that’s the real reality of dating white women when you’re black: often times you’re going to end up putting your foot in your mouth.
The article started out in the right place. He explained why he found himself dating white women and why he continued throughout his youth even when other options were available. And I think there’s a good point here, people shouldn’t force themselves to date anyone. That’s not what we want to do. The other day I heard a woman say she struggles to find Jewish men on dating sites and doesn’t prefer JDate because those are more traditional Jewish men than she’s used to dating. I felt a certain way about this article because I thought to myself, “Did she really just say she only dates Jewish men? Is there something wrong with everyone else? What gives her the right?” The truth is, yes, she would prefer to only date Jewish men.And no there isn’t anything wrong with everyone else. It’s a preference she’s entitled to have.
The problem Ernest encounters is later in his article he starts to rationalize his preference in relation to other women. He make statements that are offensive in nature and go against the idea that love isn’t built on how someone looks, the color of their skin, their hair color or texture, or anything of that nature. Love is built on the feelings you build with someone on the inside, yours and theirs.
The real reality of conversations about dating white women as a black man is the conversation should be about why you love your woman, not why you don’t love the women you aren’t with. It’s not about why you feel Black women don’t find you attractive. It’s not their fault. The only person responsible for who you date is who you met, fell in love with, and choose to explore companionship with.
Let me tell you another thing about the article that’s troubling, it’s not necessary. I can tell you that the majority of Black women do not care who you date. The overwhelming majority are, frankly, over it. Will you encounter people who inquire why you’re with a white woman instead of a black woman? Yes, but you don’t have to engage in that conversation. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your love life. I can tell you from personal experience, there’s no value in a conversation with someone you are not dating about who you are dating. None.
Another nail in the coffin that was Ernest’s expose was his decision to pick at scabs and wounds that haven’t fully healed. Trust me, America does not need a reminder of O.J. Simpson’s relationship with Nicole Brown. As we celebrated a Black man not being screwed over by the judicial process, we neglected the timing of the relationship and what it meant for interracial dating. It pushed us as a society in ways that we might not have been ready. For as many people who didn’t want a man who was “innocent until priven guilty” to go to prison. I wouldn’t be surprised if some women were thinking, “I really don’t care for the most part because O.J. shouldn’t have been with a white woman.” Whether you feel they have a point or not, it’s just not a wound worth picking at.
Lastly, the point the writer makes about not having to care what people have to say or feel about his relationship is a little too profane. It’s always important to consider someone’s feelings, even when we don’t think they are validated. Ernest neglects the damage that’s been done over the years. There are Black women who are dealing with residual issues from Black men who have chosen to date outside of their race for the wrong reasons. Rather than not giving a f*** about their opinion, the point can be made that you chose to date who you date for the person they are on the inside, not the color of her skin.
Personally, I don’t have any issue with people who date outside their race or people who think that they would only work well with someone inside their race. That’s their personal choice. I do, however, think it’s important people do things for the right reasons. Your relationship is your relationship and you really don’t have to explain that to anyone. If you want to show someone the real reality of dating white women when you’re a black man, let it show in the love and admiration that you have for the woman you are dating. Not some explanation of why you ended up dating white women instead of black women.
I don’t know exactly when or why this happened but I’m sure you’ve noticed that within the last, maybe, 5 years, there has been an influx of discussions about black women dating outside of their race. Truthfully, the conversation has always annoyed me. Mostly because I understand that true love shouldn’t have to abide by trends and instructions but also because I never knew black women didn’t have this option to begin with. No one ever told me that I couldn’t date outside of my race, so I didn’t understand why I along with the millions of other single black women had be granted permission, over and over and over again.
But anyway, it’s a thing. And it doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of slowing down. Our own company Moguldom Films produced a whole documentary on the topic.
And in Wednesday’s Metro NY, the conversation continued. Since, according to relationship experts, the whole interracial dating phenomena is so “new,” it must come with rules of conduct. In the paper, Twanna Hines, aka Funky Brown Chick, wrote “Tips for Picking Up Brown-Skinned Women.”
You can read the whole article in the link above but the tips include things like “be honest,” don’t say things like “I’ve always loved looking at black women,” and “treat the object of your affection like a human being.”
The advice just made me sad. I mean, I understand that the intention might have been to shed some real light on what it’s like to date a black woman for people who may be too intimidated to take that step but it just came off as a lesson to someone who didn’t even know how to be a decent person. And if you don’t know how to be considerate and respectful then you shouldn’t dating any woman, black or otherwise.
Some will argue that Hines was attempting to illustrate the fact that black women are no different than dating other women. But even that is equally sad. The fact that we’re still seen as so exotic, so foreign that someone would have to tell people not to rattle off stereotypes on your date and treat her, this black woman, as a human being is terrifying and heart breaking at the same time.
At best, this article was written in jest to point the finger at some of the ridiculous behavior Hines has witnessed or heard tell of from black women who’ve dated interracially. But even that best case scenario is pretty terrible. At worst, she believes men who would treat black women like fetish fulfillments are worthy of our consideration, time, attention and affection.
You can read most of the article in the picture above and the whole thing here.
What do you think about this article?
Interracial dating is one of those touchy subjects people tend to tip-toe around for fear of offending someone, but not Moguldom Studios, which is gearing up to release a new docutainment film exploring just that, titled “The Swirl.” According to a news release:
The Swirl tackles societal and cultural issues relating to interracial dating, asking the question; is it the new trend or still taboo? There was a time when interracial dating was a taboo practice that could lead to physical harm or even death. Today it seems to be of greater acceptance as with celebrity power couples Kanye West and Kim Kardashian or Ice-T and Coco. The Swirl takes a comedic look at this serious topic by digging into the cultural shift in attitudes around interracial relationships. The Swirl unveils the real-life conversations folks are having in the shadows on the subject that has finally been brought to light in this enlightening and entertaining documentary. Speaking to men and women on both sides of the debate, the feature length documentary delivers honest and hilarious dialogue on interracial dating by comedians such as Esther Ku, Rodney Perry, and Reggie Jackson. The film dares viewers to take a hard look at their own perceptions. Through in-depth interviews, expert commentary, comedic conjecture and surprising statistical data, the film covers everything from self-hate and racism to the concept of love being colorblind.
“The Swirl” will be released on May 27, 2014, with the DVD and digital download available for purchase on Amazon.com, Google Play, iTunes and moguldomstudios.com, but for now check out the trailer below and tell us what you think. Will you be purchasing “The Swirl”? If you like this trailer, make sure you check out Moguldom Studios’ first documentary, “A Genius Leaves The Hood, The Unauthorized Story of Jay Z” which is now available in physical DVD form on Amazon.
Somewhere along the way, MadameNoire got the reputation of being the Black Women’s website that promotes interracial dating and marriage and all that. Perhaps it was because of articles like this one. Whatever the case, I feel the need to say that while we believe you should keep your options open when it comes to finding love, you shouldn’t begin your quest with skin tone or racial and ethnic modifiers. And personally, I, Veronica, believe that while black men are flawed like all men, you’ll never catch me out here denouncing all of them. There are enough people outside of our race who do that already. I would think the universal truth that characteristics that make a good partner are not predicated by race and ethnicity is understood by all. But apparently, it’s really not because Dr. Nazaree Hines-Starr, a full time pharmacist and author, recently published a book called Why Every Black Woman Should Marry A Jewish Man.
Yes ya’ll, every black woman. Before I even begin to dissect the problematic nature of such a premise, let me just share a bit of Hines-Starr’s background and the reasoning she shares for dating and marrying a Jewish man.
All throughout college, graduate school and all of her twenties Hines-Starr, a black woman, dated only black men who shared her religious background. And after that all she had to show for it were a group of men she placed in what she calls the “Scumbag Files.” But Hines-Starr did not give up on love. Instead, she went to the internet and joined an interracial dating site called AfroRomance.com. Let’s pause right here for a minute. I can understand, perhaps, why a black woman would be drawn to a site called Afro Romance but I’m a little perplexed as to why people of other ethnicities would go there unless they’re trying to fulfill some type of chocolate fantasy. But that’s just me. Admittedly, I’m a bit paranoid about such things.
Anyway, looking at the site, I’m guessing Hines-Starr selected “white” for her preferred race and it wasn’t long before she met “Michael, a professional, never-married Jewish man who was two years her junior.”
And apparently, Hines-Starr believes you can do the same. In fact, the way the world is set up right now, you might not even have a choice. She provides the following statistics: “According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there were 1.8 million more black women than black men in 2000, and that number has not improved since then. That means that if every black man in America married a black woman today, many women hoping to marry a black man would not make it down the aisle.”
And then, according to a press release Hines-Starr lists reasons why Jewish men are the new hotness for black women.
– They are the perfect Alpha Male.
– Many African American men and non-Jewish men fall short in the romance department
-Jewish men open wide instead of down low (Is that a sexual innuendo I failed to grasp?)
– Jewish men are not looking for someone to take care of them
– Jewish men attend and graduate college
– Jewish men at least attempt to marry before making babies
-Jewish men are great with financial planning and stability
– Jewish men don’t take everything as a challenge to their masculinity
-Jewish men are often raised with traditional gender roles where the men seek to take care of the women.
That’s enough. Do you see the problems here? Hines-Starr successfully manages to stereotype two groups simultaneously. On the one hand she dogs out black men, calling them unromantic, uneducated, uncommitted and unstable all while lauding not only her Jewish man but all Jewish men above the rest. I think somewhere along the way, people lost sight of the fact that just because a stereotype is positive, it’s still a stereotype. When you reduce people down to a few characteristics, it robs them of their humanity, which is complex.
I wonder if it ever occurred to Hines-Starr that while there are certain culture attitudes that are passed down from generation to generation, the emphasis on education, family and financial security are not just things the Jewish community cares about.
I wonder if in regard to her own dating history if she ever considered the fact that it wasn’t that the men she dated were scumbags because they were all black but because they were just scumbags. And furthermore, since this synopsis seems to present her as blameless in her own dating history, I wonder if she ever stopped to ask herself why she kept attracting and then tolerating scumbags?
I know that since there are far too many, black men berating and degrading black women, some of you will argue that she’s just looking out for numero uno, giving them a taste of their own medicine, trying not to be left behind as she pledges allegiance to black men and black men alone. And I get that. I’m not saying limit your options. If you can, of course you should be open to love regardless of the package it comes in. I just hope black people, men and women alike, haven’t reduced the phenomenon of finding love into some type of calculated trip to the market where you pass up the brand you’ve known and grown up with in favor of something new and exotic.