All Articles Tagged "infidelity"

“My Husband Talks Badly About Me To His Exes”

February 23rd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Essence

Dr. Sherry,

I’ve been in a relationship for almost 13 years and we have been married for five. My problem is that my husband is continuously inappropriately emailing his ex-girlfriends and starting conversations to catch up with them. This leads up to ‘I miss you’ and ‘how things would have been,’ type conversations, and sometimes he even tells them that he loves them. The first time was from 2010-2012, when he began an online relationship with one of his exes. They talked about their good old days and he stated that when he had his stroke a few years back no one was there for him. This is untrue; I was there every day in therapy and even had him released early from the rehab facility when he asked to come home. Throughout this time I was working two jobs to take care of our family because he lost his job, and he would constantly tells us that he hates us and refused to help around the house.

The second time this happened was earlier this year, when I walked passed the computer and saw an email saying ‘I miss you’ and I made him open it. He went on again to start a casual conversation, which again led up to him speaking of feelings for her and stating how he hates to use his ex-girlfriend when he discusses their status. I feel belittled by this, I have been the sole provider for our family of 10 for over a year now, and I feel unappreciated, we just started counseling again with our pastor and were asked what can be done to save our marriage, and I can’t think of one thing. I have tried to keep lines of communication open, but he never wants to talk to me. I feel alone in our marriage and I am ready to just be by myself. I am lost and do not know what to do?

Help,

Anonymous

We thought we knew what the answer to this would be, but Dr. Sherry’s response might surprise you.  Are you buying her breakdown? Read more on Essence.

When It Rains It Pours: Mary Mary Talk Infidelity, Vocal Problems & Their Father’s Passing

February 14th, 2014 - By Veronica Wells
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Mary Mary has been through a lot in the past year. And as they’re prepping for their third season of their hit eponymous WE TV series, they spoke to JET Magazine about some of the toughest challenges they’ve ever had to face.

Erica explained how fans will get to see how they reacted to all of it. ““You see our faith shine, but it was not easy at all– and it won’t look easy watching it,” said Erica about the series.  “A lot of people will see themselves.  There was so much damage and yet still so much work to be done. I learned that every wound doesn’t have to leave a scar that remains for the rest of your life.”

While they were smiling and spreading the gospel through song for their fans, behind closed doors, Tina was dealing with Teddy’s infidelity, Erica ruptured her vocal chords just as she’s breaking out into her own solo career, their relationship with manager Mitchell is on the rocks and the entire Campbell family is coping with the death of their father.

Referencing her personal relationship with Teddy, Tina said, “I still believe in God and love. I will not live in the horrible space of ‘I’m going to fix him’ or ‘I hate men and marriage.’ You do that for a moment and realize it doesn’t undo anything.” 

Erica spoke about how she supported her sister during this trying time saying, “I’ve always been her protector. We are ride or die for each other. When she hurts. I hurt.” 

Tina’s strategy in getting through all of this is learning to let go of the reigns a little bit. “I’ve tried to have all the answers and my life became filled with chaos and anxiety. So now I don’t go overboard thinking I must had things right all the time.” 

The ladies, who are working solo now, each have different projects. Tina is working on a book of devotionals and Erica’s solo album is set to be released on March 25.

Mary Mary’s issue of Jet will hit newsstands, Monday, February 17th.

“Mary Mary” returns to WE TV on February 27th.

You can read more from their interview and check out the behind the scenes video, here. 

Forgive And Forget…Again: Is Infidelity Becoming The New Faithful?

February 11th, 2014 - By Liz Lampkin
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In today’s societal relationships it seems as though love triangles are prevalent and the accepted norm. As we recall the relationship and love triangles of Love and Hip Hop New York‘s Tara, Amina, Peter Gunz, and of course, the ongoing saga of a relationship that is Dwyane Wade and Gabrielle Union, or Ludacris and Eudoxie, one can’t help but wonder if infidelity is the new faithful?

If you look at each relationship mentioned, the common denominator with the two situations include men who were openly unfaithful and each woman they are (or were) involved with forgiving them. When Tara boldly told Amina about her sexual encounters with Peter, Amina’s immediate reaction was what is to be expected from reality TV… tears, yelling and storming out. But then, shortly after her performance, she entered back in the room and kindly asked Tara, the woman her “husband” admitted to sleeping with, if she could have a moment alone to snap on him. From there, they talked, she ignored him for a few days, Peter apologized, and then the two kissed and made up for the time being; but we all know Peter has a special place in his mind, heart and pants for Tara. Not to mention, she is the mother of his children (though Amina is allegedly about to be the mother of his child as well…).

What is it about a man that makes it okay for him to be untrue to a woman he claims to love or have deep feelings for? To take things further, what makes the woman forgive him? It is my belief that a woman forgives her lover’s transgressions because she thinks she’ll change him; she’s comfortable with him and doesn’t want to start over, and in other cases, some women are prone to push monogamy on men when they aren’t ready. While there may be a plethora of other reasons why some women stay with philandering partners, these three top my list. Many women who are with men with wandering eyes have the tendency to think they are the answer to their infidelity, and she has the ability to change the cheating ways with what she does or who she is. But the hard truth of the matter is you can’t. The only thing you can change on a man is his diaper, and even then he’ll be resistant.

Complacency is something that becomes common with lovers. This happens when a person is comfortable with someone and they are comfortable with who they’ve shown themselves to be, so the connection instantly becomes a part of who they are; plus, the thought of starting over can be hard to deal with. You have to get accustomed to another person’s habits, and in turn, they have to do the same for you, and the truth is, they may not like who you are. So rather than stepping out and starting over, a number of women choose to stay where they are most comfortable, even if that means they stay wholeheartedly with someone who isn’t all the way there with them.

The last reason mentioned above is what I believe is one of the most common reasons men are unfaithful to women: They are forced into monogamy without being ready! So many men are involved with women whose biological clocks are ticking that they often pressure a man/men into commitment. How do you ask? By giving ultimatums, slightly mentioning marriage every chance they get, threatening to walk away with their kids, and so on and so on. And when a man knows he has a good woman but is not quite ready to fully commit, he does what he thinks she wants in an effort to sustain the relationship, but he also does what he wants with other women because he wants his cake and to eat it too.

While betrayal in relationships is nothing new, the cycle can be easily broken if women keep these simple things in mind: If a man wants to be with you he’ll be with you; if a man wants to be faithful to you he will, and if he doesn’t he won’t; and you’re worth more single than you are with a cheating man. Ladies, don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve in life and in relationships. If you know your mate is stepping out on you, know that the option to step out on him and walk into something new with someone better is always there…but it’s up to you to take advantage of it or not.

How many times has your lover, spouse or significant other cheated on you? How many times have you forgiven them? What is something you deem a dealbreaker?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her in Twitter @Liz_Lampkin

Should I Have Issues With My Man’s Instagram Likes?

February 8th, 2014 - By Toya Sharee
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My parents probably laugh at what we call relationship problems today, but the truth is social media has created more reasons for couples to over-analyze and obsess and create even more insecurities.

As I was scrolling through my Instagram activity the other night I couldn’t help but notice that radio personality Big Tigger had liked a video with two women looking like they were about to showcase their skills on a sex toy.  It looked rated XXX so I didn’t even bother playing it, but I instantly thought, “Damn, isn’t he dating Keshia Knight-Pulliam?”  Now I’m not saying that man can’t like a girl’s picture without being attracted to her, and it’s far from cheating, but I can’t help but feeling like your partner’s social media behavior in many ways is a reflection of you.

This isn’t the first time Big Tigger has double tapped on pictures of KING-cover wannabes bent over displaying their behinds and/or breasts as the best part of their anatomy.  But in the next instant he’s posting photos of the new kicks he’s bought for Keshia. I don’t know about other women but I’d be bothered if my man’s social media consisted primarily of pictures of parading unclothed women and girls twerking and swinging on poles.  A man’s going to be a man, but can he do so a little more privately?

Maybe it’s not that serious.  I’ve clicked on plenty of pics of French bulldogs dressed in bow ties and Angela Simmon’s shoes without putting a whole lot thought into making that gray heart red.  That’s the thing about Instagram that I think cheapens it as a communication tool: It doesn’t require much thought or energy.  It doesn’t actually reflect what’s truly important to anyone.  I mean at least Twitter forces you to be clever in 140 characters.  Instagram unites the best of both worlds for those without much to contribute to social media or otherwise:  It allows people to sit in look pretty for those who are limited to visual stimulation.  Does that make me love it any less? No, but let’s be honest, Instagram is not the place to form the deepest connections.

With that said, I’m not encouraging girlfriends everywhere to clock their man’s Instagram behavior, but I‘m also reminding people about yet another way social media seriously can impact your reputation and the people you actually have authentic, real-life relationships with.  Don’t blame Twitter or Instagram for an already unhealthy relationship either.  What social media does have the potential to do is weaken an already unstable bond.  If you have a man who truly respects you, he’ll do so whether it’s in person or on his online profile.

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a  passion for helping  young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health.  She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.

 

I Don’t Understand This “Taking A Break” Business

January 16th, 2014 - By Toya Sharee
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You take a break at work when you need a latte.  You take a break while working out to catch your breath and take a swig of Powerade.  You might even need a break from your kids when you feel like it’s either a criminal record and jail time or closing your door for 10 minutes so you can locate your maternal instincts.  But relationship breaks I don’t understand.  Taking a break from your boyfriend is like inviting miscommunication and infidelity into your relationship.

Long before Dwyane Wade and Ludacris were creating love-children outside of their long-term relationships, Ross from Friends was the reigning king of “We were on a break!” If his relationship with Rachel serves as any kind of warning to women, it should be that men don’t interpret breaks the same way we do.  To most men, a break equals a break up with perks.  It’s a fall back from the relationship itself, which indicates that there will be no more regular sex, daily phone calls and other things that serve as proof that you’re committed to someone.  Most men aren’t going to freely admit, “I’m lonely and insecure.  I got used to having someone next to me every night and you just up and cut that off.  In the meantime I’ll substitute you with someone else.”  It’s not necessarily that they’re able to move on quickly, they’re just great at making it appear that way.  Naturally, it’s easier for men to compartmentalize their emotions; to them you’re either together or you aren’t.  When you start playing the “it’s complicated” game, it gets easily misconstrued and that’s when feelings gets hurt.  It takes a lot of maturity to successfully navigate a break and make the most of it to improve a relationship.  It’s a level of maturity that most people don’t possess.

You have to be clear about exactly what the break means and what you hope to accomplish with it.  Do you get to see other people?  Do you get to sex other people?  What exactly can occur in this pseudo-single lifestyle?  This is where breaks get pointless to me.  It’s one thing to need a couple of days to cool off, but if you think you’re trying to prove a point by putting a man’s pen*s on punishment for a month, you’re probably playing yourself.

Long before Ross was creating catch phrases, I had a best friend in high school who damn near invented “the break”.  After sleeping with a guy who then turned clingy, she promptly told him they should fall back and go back to being friends for a while and then work their way up.  I remember thinking of how pointless (good game, but pointless) that was then and I still feel the same way now. What the hell is the point of taking a break and not just going your separate ways?  I’ve been in a relationship for more than 7 years now and I can testify that sometimes turning off your cell phone, retreating to your own place and bashing your man with your best friends (or in a good journal) does a relationship good.  There’s nothing wrong with taking a few days to calm yourself down so you can focus on why you fell for your partner in the first place. But taking weeks or months to push re-occurring problems in your relationship to the back burner does nothing but make them eventually boil over.  If you and your partner can’t have a clear conversation about conflicts in the relationship, taking a break does nothing but put a Band-Aid on it.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  There are too many women that believe being in a relationship means being up under your partner 24/7.  When you start to dance on one another’s nerves (which inevitably happens) and folks start taking each other for granted, you then feel like a “break” is needed.  In all actuality, all you ever needed was a healthy balance of alone time invested into your separate lives.

Still, there will be couples who think that breaks are beneficial.  Fine, but then there is this whole recklessness of carelessly creating kids and bringing them into situations that grown people couldn’t even get together.  It’s immature, cowardly and unfair to everyone involved.  I mean, how much can you possibly care for someone if you didn’t have sense enough to use a condom correctly?  I don’t know all the details of these celebrities’ indiscretions, but it appears to be messy.  Relationships can be as messy as you want them to be without you pro-creating and adding more issues to the pile.

At their best, breaks allow a couple to realize how special what they have really is, but more often than not, couples use them to avoid problems that they should be working on or to soften the blow of the inevitable.  Choose your breaks wisely, because too many of them or even just one taken at the wrong time and without clear communication of what is expected just might make the whole thing fall apart.

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a  passion for helping  young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health.  She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.  

 

‘It Was Because Of Distance and Scheduling:’ Gabrielle Union Talks D. Wade Relationship ‘Break’ And Dating Faux Pas

January 9th, 2014 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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While promoting her new hit series “Being Mary Jane,” actress Gabrielle Union chatted it up with the ladies over at Glamour about dating and relationship dos and don’ts. During the interview she also spoke pretty freely about her relationship with Dwyane Wade—including their relationship hiatus. Check out what she had to say below.

Topping the list was her philosophy that daters should stop simply dating their “types.”

“When I met Dwyane, his “résumé” looked like crap: athlete, going through a divorce, nine years younger than me, she said. “None of that screamed, “Let’s have a lasting relationship.” Then, after I had a heart-crushing breakup with yet another immature jerk, I thought, it can’t be any worse if I date a fetus. Let’s just see what happens. Turned out he’d been on his own since he was 15. He had wisdom that comes with facing an insane amount of adversity. He’s sweet, funny, honest about his shortcomings. When I put my preconceived notions to the side, I found someone cool.”

She adds that showing daily affection to your partner is a huge “do.”

“Dwyane generally gets up before I do to go to the gym, and he’s never left without kissing me and telling me he loves me. As for me, I am complimentary to the point where I am almost a little Chester the Molester-y. I think he’s so delicious. Watching him get out of the shower never gets old. Never. It’s not like he ever wonders what I’m thinking, but usually he’s thinking, She needs a cold shower!”

Gabby also advised people to consider getting back with their exes, briefly referencing last year’s relationship hiatus.

“When you’re debating whether to go backward or forward, you have to look at the original issue. [When Dwyane and I broke up briefly in 2013], it was because of distance and scheduling. I finished filming the show, then I flew to Vegas right away to start shooting Think Like a Man Too. I couldn’t take time off, and I missed some quality togetherness we desperately needed. Over the summer, I reassessed priorities. I’d always wanted an awesome career with back-to-back projects, but I realized I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my relationship for it. Moving forward, I decided my work schedule has to make sense for our family. Bottom line: If an issue’s a deal breaker, it’s a deal breaker. If your relationship isn’t something you’re willing to give up and you can compromise, do so.”

Since their hiatus produced an outside child, maybe getting back with an ex isn’t exactly one-size-fits-all advice. But yeah, we get the point. Catch Gabby’s full list of dos and don’ts over at Glamour.

Follow Jazmine on Twitter @JazmineDenise

Dealbreaker Or Not? The Issue With Infidelity

January 8th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From YourTango 

Infidelity is one of the most heart-wrenching, frightening things that can shake a partnership. Even the strongest of marriages can be torn apart by an instance of cheating, so we couldn’t help but think: Why do so many people pretend they can excuse it?

As we discussed in our book, Building a Love that Lasts, there is a “character element” to marriage. What does that mean and why is it important? When that character is compromised, the partnership is placed in danger. To engage in the ultimate form of betrayal—infidelity or cheating—is to destroy the core and the heart of that relationship.

There’s a lot of gray area when it comes to what it means to be unfaithful. Here’s the whole truth about what infidelity really is: Infidelity is being disloyal to the one you love… and it is an unpardonable sin! To betray someone you purport to love is unconscionable; being unfaithful to the one you love is not conducive to a wholesome, successful, and enduring relationship. Ultimately, it is a very big break to the character element of a marriage.

Here’s the deal: There are no excuses for infidelity! There is no way to disregard infidelity or to accept it. Being unfaithful to the one you love is the biggest breach of trust you can make in a relationship. When a spouse or your lover violates the “core of trust” in your relationship, it is, simply put, to destroy the relationship.

It is our opinion, based on over 30 years of research, that the notion of character in marriage is real. To suggest otherwise is to ignore the basic tenets of successful relationships. We believe it’s time to say, “The buck stops here!” That means there are no excuses for disloyalty and infidelity to the one you love.

Over the years, we have interviewed a lot of people who are deeply in love and in healthy relationships. We have interviewed thousands of couples that taken the vow of “Until Death Do Us Part.” Now, these are not just words. To love someone for a lifetime does not occur by accident. To be in love is to do the simple things day-in and day-out of your relationship with the one you say you love. Love means lots of different things for different people, but trust us on this: You cannot betray the one you love and expect your marriage to survive and thrive.

It pains us to see couples espouse the idea that it’s OK to cheat on the one you love and assume that, with an apology, everything will be okay. It drives an arrow through our hearts to know there are people who think that betrayal is a forgiveable offense. Writers, therapists, counselors and psychologists who suggest otherwise are not only fooling themselves, they are misleading those they represent. Don’t be fooled and don’t be foolish: There is rarely ever a recovery from a relationship that sinks to betrayal, infidelity and disloyalty. Those who have been successfully married for years know this to be true.

Is infidelity an issue for you? Read more at YourTango.com 

“Gender Traitors” – Should Women Stand In Solidarity When It Comes To Cheating Men?

December 28th, 2013 - By Brooke Dean
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As I perused my Facebook feed, a male friend posed this question for discussion: What is it about a man complaining about his girlfriend or wife that makes a woman be willing to cheat with him? At first I wasn’t sure what he meant, but he went on to say that when a man says he’s not happy in his current relationship or complains that his wife is nagging him, the woman he’s complaining to almost always seems willing to “comfort” him by being a better woman to him than his current partner.

Now, of course I didn’t think he should have painted all women with the broad stroke of one brush, but it did get me to thinking that there are a lot of women who hold the belief that if a woman was handling her business at home, her man wouldn’t be looking elsewhere. But what most men know and some women discover is that men seem to know exactly who to prey on when they want to cheat. They choose a woman with a sympathetic ear and shoulder to cry on who are more than willing to show him what a good woman she is in comparison to his current woman. It’s sad.

One woman who posted in the comment section labeled these women as “gender traitors,” meaning they hold no solidarity with other women when it comes to a man who is looking to cheat. Her position was that if more women told these men to kick rocks when they came around complaining about their women, or instructed them to work it out at home rather than “coming to his rescue,” less men would cheat. Hmm…I believe she has a point.

Now granted, I don’t think women should hold other women responsible for their cheating boyfriends or husbands or the demise of their relationships, but I can’t help but wonder that if more men would be faithful if more women said no to them. If there is always a woman willing to cheat, then they have no reason to change their behavior. But is that unrealistic?

It is believed that women are naturally competitive with each other – whether in the workplace, friendships or romantic situations. If the majority of women believe that there is a shortage of good men out there, the competition is even more serious. It’s survival of the fittest, so if one woman can or will do what another woman can’t or won’t, then it’s somehow the other woman’s fault for her own shortcomings when it comes to getting and keeping a man.

Also, women these days may not see getting involved with a taken man as immoral under the guise of being “sexually free.” If they feel they can separate sex from love, then messing around with your man may not be a big deal to them if they’re getting their needs met while not “catching feelings.” Of course, if you’re the girlfriend or wife, it won’t matter that she’s not actually trying to “steal” your man or that she’s not considering you while she’s getting her back cracked. To the other woman, you should be mad at your man, not her since she’s not the one in the committed relationship. And she would be right.

So that being said, are these so-called “gender traitors” the destroyers of relationships, or are we placing too much blame on women? Should we hold other women responsible for keeping our men faithful, or should we simply judge the man for any indiscretions? In my opinion, there really is no such thing as a “gender traitor,” just someone is who isn’t true to him or herself. Our life choices are about personal responsibility, not responsibility for anyone else’s actions. If each person, male or female, took personal responsibility for his or her actions with integrity and self respect, then perhaps this “problem” would take care of itself.

Meet Me At The Altar: Did J. Cole Propose To His College Sweetheart?

December 15th, 2013 - By Drenna Armstrong
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Word on the street is that rapper J. Cole, 28, has proposed to his longtime girlfriend. According to MTV.com:

“Has J. Cole really put a ring on it? The Roc Nation rapper has addressed his longtime relationship with college sweetheart Melissa Heholt in previous interviews, never revealing too many personal details, but this week reports are claiming that Cole might’ve made it official with his girl.”

At this point, there are only rumors swirling but as Cole hasn’t confirmed the new himself, MTV is hoping to receive a comment from his reps.

This isn’t the first time engagement rumors have surfaced. A couple of years ago, it was reported that they were engaged but Cole immediately shot that down.  His silence over the last couple of days about it makes one think it might be true.

Cole and Heholt both attended St. John’s University in New York. While he’s always admitted to being in a relationship, he’s also been very vocal about his infidelity since becoming famous, even on his most recent album. Hopefully, he’s decided to curb his enthusiasm for other women if he’s thinking about taking things to another level with his girlfriend.

If this is true, congratulations to them!

 

Traci Braxton And Husband To Address Paternity Scandal On WE TV’s ‘Marriage Bootcamp’

December 13th, 2013 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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Traci Braxton

Source: In Touch

If the current season of “Braxton Family Values” isn’t serving up enough drama for you, then maybe a second scoop of Traci Braxton will do the trick. According to In Touch Weekly, Traci and her husband of nearly 20 years, Kevin Surrat, will be starring in the upcoming season of WE tv’s “Marriage Bootcamp.”

On the show, which is scheduled to air in early summer 2014, Traci and Kevin will address infidelity concerns and the possibility of Kevin fathering a child outside of their marriage.

“Traci and Kevin have huge hurdles to overcome,” says “Bootcamp” director Jim Carroll. “They’ve made every mistake you can make, and infidelity would be poisonous to a marriage.”

Can Traci and Kevin survive “Marriage Bootcamp?” We certainly hope so! If you recall, on a recent episode of “Braxton Family Values” Traci confronted Kevin about rumors that he stepped out on her and had a kid. As if all of that isn’t enough, we hear that former “Bad Girls Club” star Tanisha Thomas and her hubby, Clive Muir, will also be bringing their problems to the show.

“Tanisha and Clive struggled throughout the entire boot camp both individually and as a couple. ‘Marriage Boot Camp’ was their last ditch effort to see if there was any life left in the marriage,” said Jim.

In a perfect world, all couples participating in this show will find ways to strengthen their marriage and walk away more in love than ever before, but unfortunately, reality TV doesn’t seem to work out that way.

Do you think that it’s wise for Traci and Tanisha to appear on a show that could potentially expose the flaws in their marriages?

Follow Jazmine on Twitter @JazmineDenise.

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