All Articles Tagged "infidelity"
If you’re a J. Cole fan you may have caught the surprise ending of his video for the single, “She Knows”. I won’t give it away if you want to check it out, but the moral of the story is if you’re going to cheat, try not to be messy about it. It always amazes me how people will cheat so egregiously and then have the nerve to act surprised. It’s all fun and games getting it on with your side piece in the same bed you sleep with your partner in until you’re staring at hidden camera footage with the host of Cheaters.
In this digital day of screen caps and Catfish, it’s becoming harder and harder to get your creep on and what’s even worse is that children are increasingly more technologically savvy than their parents meaning that all too often they become aware of a parents’ infidelity before their spouse even does. I had a friend who discovered her dad was cheating on her mom just because he didn’t know what the “Trash” folder was for. In my opinion, this is the worst kind of secret you could ever place your child in a position to have to keep. It’s right up there with the “bad touch/this is something special between me and you” betrayal. And although some may think I’m being pretty harsh with that comparison, I believe it’s ultimately disrespectful to a child when you force them to deal with adult feelings and make mature decisions before they are prepared for them.
Relationships are complicated enough for children. There are some adults who can’t even make sense of their feelings, so to ask a child or even a young teenager to make sense of complicated emotions like love vs. lust and “growing apart” can be an unrealistic expectation.
J. Cole may be relieving some trauma from his child in the “She Knows” video. The lyrics in his song “Never Told” reveal that he was forced to keep quiet about his own father’s infidelity:
“Could it be cause my father let me know
That he cheated, and somehow I never told
I never told
Hey, you wanna be a man?
Yeah I wanna be a man.
A man don’t run tellin’ mama everything he see.
I ain’t gonna tell.
Alright then man. You’re a man now.
When a child witnesses a parent being unfaithful it sends the indirect message that you don’t respect their mother or father. On top of that, you place a child in the painful of position of choosing to be honest and hurt one parent or protect their bond with the other one. It compromises all the values that parents are supposed to want to teach their children like respect, honesty and integrity. People make mistakes, parents or not, but that doesn’t mean your children should be traumatized because of your carelessness.
If a child chooses to reveal to a parent what they have witnessed, the reaction of the parent could have a serious effect on how honest that child chooses to be in the future. If the parent believes them, the child may feel like they are partially to blame for their parents’ breakup. But if that parent doesn’t validate that child’s feeling or flat out tells them they are wrong, they may never feel free to talk openly again. So often what children say is invalidated or not taken seriously. Especially when it comes to the painful truth, so many parents are quick to discredit their children if it means they can spare their own feelings.
I won’t get into a lecture about avoiding infidelity, but I will say if you are going to cheat, make an effort to protect the ones you love, especially your children. And if they do catch you cheating, don’t ask them to keep it on the low to protect your own ass. Being an adult is all about accepting your flaws and taking the burden off your child to be the bearer of bad news. Once your child catches you cheating it’s time to come clean to your partner and explain to your child the best way possible how you and their mother/father will proceed and take ownership of the part you played in the deception. Cheating is not only disrespectful to your partner, but being careless about it is also disrespectful to your child.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
You know what they say. Art imitates life and we all know the best inspiration for love songs is love stories both good and bad. And as much as we love a happy love song, the messy ones tend to catch our attention even more. So let’s jump in shall we.
In most troubled relationships, couples know when the end is near. It’s rare that someone is blindsided because there are usually signs when something is off. If it’s a long-term relationship, it may take a couple a long time to actually end the relationship even if they know it’s on its last leg – maybe holding on to the hope that something can be done to revive it. It’s usually pretty obvious when one or both people have fallen out of love, but there are some people who are not sure why they’re staying and have fallen out of love and maybe don’t even know it. If you’re not sure if you are no longer in love, or if your partner no longer is, here are some signs that’ll let you know the feeling is gone.
If you watch “For Better Or Worse” on OWN you know that Tasha Smith’s character Angela can be a bit…abrasive in her approach to relationship drama. If you’ve followed her character since her Why Did I Get Married? days, you’ve seen her cuss, fuss and light Marcus’ ish on fire like some Angela Bassett in Waiting To Exhale type of stuff.
All of her antics lead many people to wonder if the real Tasha Smith is anything like her character. And recently in an interview with theGrio, Tasha Smith offers relationship advice, telling women it wouldn’t hurt them to shut the hell up sometimes, to focus on the positive instead of always dwelling on the negative and don’t beat dudes over the head with the Bible.
But most interestingly, she told women that if a man cheats, just once, and a woman is able to find forgiveness in her heart, she shouldn’t throw the whole relationship away.
“Look I feel like this. No person is perfect. I haven’t, thank God, had any infidelity issues. But you can’t say what you won’t ever do. And you can’t say that you won’t have forgiveness in your heart if there were to be an issue like that. After a certain amount of time that you have established your relationship with your mate, if there is a mistake that’s made and if it’s something….if there is true repentance in that mistake and true change and it’s not going to be an ongoing problem, I feel like, listen ladies, don’t give up your marriage or your relationship over one piece of booty.”
Watch the full interview in the video below and let us know what you think? Can you forgive a man if he cheats just once? Or are you of the mind that once a cheater always a cheater? Do you think she’s giving men license to cheat?
I can yell until I’m blue in the face that the ‘other woman’ is not the problem in your marriage.
I can also scream until I turn red, that the nagging and lackadaisical wife is not the problem neither.
I wrote about my personal perspective before that the only fault in a cheating relationship is the actual cheater. However, most of y’all ain’t trying to hear me and insist on pointing the finger at either the main chick, for not playing her part or the side chick, for doing too much. Perhaps, it has something to do with all the empirical data, which suggests that women much rather hear things from men? However since I am an eternal optimist, I am going to try again to save some of you hoes. And this time, I brought your pastor.
According to All Christian News:
“Andy Thompson, Pastor of the World Overcomers Christian Church, Durham, North Carolina has landed in hot water recently over something he posted on Twitter. He reportedly told women, that if they did not want their man or husband to look at other women, they should themselves shine more and not let the “hoes” or whores beat them to their man.
The untactful tweet was placed by Thompson on April Fool’s day this year and many believe that it may have been his attempt at a practical joke or “April fool.” However, others are not so forgiving for his tasteless attempt at humor, if it was that, one of them is Taurean Brown, writer, speaker, activist and poet on the blog blacksankofa”
According to All Christian News, the actual tweet said, “Ladies if you want to be the only woman your man looks at Shine it Up! Don’t let the Hoes he comes across outshine you! #SaveMarriage”
Naturally, some of the hoes…I mean, women in his congregation (as well as on Twitter) didn’t take too kindly to Thompson’s pastoral advice, particularly the use of the word “ho” to describe women, who exist outside of this hypothetical marriage, which by definition, is just about everyone not married to this winner. Eventually, the pastor allegedly apologized in a YouTube video, for using the term saying that his aim was only to help women. But as All Christian News reports, the apology was peppered with a defense that he was “being misunderstood.”
Well, you know what they say about difficulty levels of pimping…
Seriously though, I am really sick of men setting up these wives, aka main chick, versus single women, aka side piece, paradigms. And I am especially tired of women being silly enough to keep falling for it. Because I know that as much as I am disgusted by this Pastor’s marriage counseling, there are some of you on the other side of the computer screen, talking about, “what’s wrong with that? Some women are hoes.”
Some women are paid for sex, this is true. However, just because your husband/partner/significant other has a wandering eye, it does not make every object of his affection “a ho.” What it does make her, is attractive enough to grab your husband’s attention and a woman who got caught up with some bad D – just like you did.
Our inability to recognize the messiness of the man in the middle is exactly why the male prerogative exists and flourishes. And it is also why the term “mistress” has many adjectives; most of them not nice. However there is no universal term for men, who are being exploited on the side for sex (or whatever other creature comforts). And why not? It’s not like women don’t cheat. Statistically speaking, women cheat just as much. However, the idea of women having side pieces is not socially acceptable and in some instances, as in the case of our dear Pastor Thompson, encouraged only when the cheater is male. And it is encouraged to the point that these men in the middle can deflect his own fault for his sexual transgressions, by placing all the burden of maintaining the virtues of his peter elsewhere. First at the hemlines of the hos for being free-to-mingle. And second onto apron strings of the devoted wife and maybe mother, for not being a ho.
Regardless of the title, women are still only defined by their relationship status. #TeamHomewrecker. #TeamWifeAndMom. Never are we just women. I often wonder what would happen if we start segregating men and their relationship values into categories, based upon how well they can continuously wine, dine and woo us with expensive trinkets. I mean traditional values also say that women like security. What if I had tweeted out something like: “Fellas, if you want to be the only man your wife looks at, MAKE THEM POCKETS DEEPER. Don’t let all those sugar daddies she comes across outspend you! #SaveMarriages.”
Yeah, I imagine my mentions would be filled with another favorite label we like to put on self-determining women: gold diggers.
I can’t wait for the day when women band together like a girl power version of Power Rangers Super MegaForce and defeat this tired, as well as jaded, belief system, which treats supposed grown men as helpless innocents, unable to control their sexual urges and where they put their penises due to the hands of feminine sorcery. I prefer to think more highly of men and their abilities to act more thoughtful than that. Besides, I also know that there are no witches among us.
‘He Acted Like A Single Man:’ Mother Of Swizz Beatz’s Daughter, Jahna Sebastian, Offers Clarity On Their Affair
A few weeks ago we told you about London-based recording artist and mother to Kaseem “Swizz Beatz” Dean’s daughter, Jahna Sebastian. In a telling interview, Jahna argued that her daughter, Nicole, was not the reason for Swizz’s split from Mashonda because she made sure that she did not reveal that she’d given birth to Swizz’s child until after the troubled couple announced their divorce. Since our initial report, many of you still had questions regarding the logic behind Jahna’s decision, what prompted her to even sleep with a married man and how she can say that things are “all good” with the producer’s now-ex-wife. We were recently given the opportunity to chat with Jahna, who offered answers to some of your burning questions.
“I don’t want to be associated with those women who look out for a rich man, a baller or any other successful man to help them have an easy ride in life,” the singer/songwriter told me. “That behavior is totally the opposite of who I am and what I represent, I have always chosen to get what I want through hard work myself, even though there have always been great men around. I have always relied on myself. I work hard for my career and my child.”
Unlike the way it is now, the single mother explained that her former lover’s personal life was nowhere near as publicized as it now at the time of their relationship. In fact, Jahna says that his personal life was so under the radar in the UK, that she had no idea he was even married.
“I was not aware of him being married at the time, I thought he was single like myself and he acted like a single man,” the “I Am Free” singer explained. “He was not that well-known here anyway at that time, his private life was nowhere near as publicized in 2007 as it is now.”
“I don’t really follow other musicians lives anyway. I saw this as a meeting of equals,” she resolved before revealing that their affair had taken place prior to her learning of his marital status. “I found out that he was married after things had already happened, but it was too late.”
Shortly after this major revelation, Kaseem returned to the States and Jahna received more shocking news.
“He left to US and I was absolutely shocked to learn a few weeks later that I was pregnant as I did not plan to have children until the age of thirty and definitely not to be a single mother in a situation like that. Career, marriage, then children – in that particular order – was my plan. When things happen not as you planned, the only explanation to that is fate. A child is a blessing regardless.”
On top of learning that she would be bringing a child into the world alone, the Russian refugee was detained during her pregnancy due to immigration issues. However, instead of reaching out to Kaseem for help, she went through the process alone out of her refusal to destroy his marriage.
“When I was unlawfully detained for two months by a major mistake of the Home Office while being pregnant with Nicole, I came out of it without her father’s help or even child support at the time even though I knew from the start who the father was. If I made claims at that time, it would have created a scandal all over the place and caused the divorce, so I chose the hard way. I dealt with all my immigration problems which were actually Nicole’s as well since she could only stay in UK as my dependent, without bothering Swizz or anyone on the other side with lawsuits.”
“I wrote to every person in UK I could think of instead of sending lawyers to Swizz and destroying his marriage. I chose to go without child support for two years and the help of someone who could have easily resolved the situation with his connections.”
“My immigration case was publicized at the time but there wasn’t even one mention of his name, although with that situation it could have made even bigger headlines, but I had to save my child from becoming possible reason of the divorce. I clearly imagined how it would hurt to be in a position of a wife learning that her husband went and had a baby on the side, and so I stayed away from this.”
A sad reality that many must face in relationships is that we can’t control what our mates do. Even though you might do your best to fulfill their needs, ultimately it’s up to them if they’re going to be faithful. But, if fidelity is simple as it seems? Is it merely just a choice, or are some people more prone to infidelity? Is there a science behind it?
Well, thanks to the study of many scientists, psychologists, and sociologist, I brought you all 14 studies that dissected fidelity and the myths along with it. Remember, that with science all these things are theories, and it’s not indicative of every person that you date/marry. But, the more you know…
Dear Dr. Sherry,
My father is very excited because I’m eight months pregnant with his first grandchild, a baby girl. He’s already making plans to babysit and spend time with her. While I appreciate his enthusiasm, my issue is that I don’t have a relationship with my stepmother—it doesn’t go beyond pleasantries whenever were see each other. My dad cheated on my mom with her and subsequently married her years later when I was a teenager. My mom passed away last year. I know of many paternal relatives who would expect me to see my stepmother as my child’s grandmother, but I just don’t feel it’s right. After all, they always told me to accept her as my own mother even when my own was alive. I don’t trust her because she and my dad caused my family so much pain. My dad will always be my dad so I must strive to maintain a relationship with him. I’d prefer my dad to interact with my child in my territory because I don’t want a bond to form between my child and his wife. If anyone will be called “grandma” on my side, it will be my maternal aunts. I don’t know how to explain this to my dad, and my husband thinks I’m being too strict. If we happen to visit my dad, his wife may interact with the child some, but I’d never want to leave my daughter with both of them because knowing their dynamic, she would provide most of the care and have influence over her. If it’s just my dad, it’s a different case.
Am I overreacting?
Protective Mother, Cautious Daughter
Read Dr.Sherry’s response at Essence.com
You may have seen headlines questioning whether or not Erica Campbell’s marriage to Warryn had suffered infidelity, like her sister Tina’s. Fans of the reality show “Mary Mary” know that Erica pretty much addressed this. She all but said that at one point or another someone cheated. Her comments about what had transpired in her own marriage seemed to be pretty clear to me. But for clarity’s sake, let’s rehash.
In a scene where Warryn and Erica are in bed together, she tells him that Tina revealed the whole truth about Teddy’s affair to Ebony Magazine. Not surprisingly, Erica’s husband didn’t think it was a good idea for their brand.
“When we went through what we went through, I made it a point not be bring everybody else in it because it affects everybody else as well.”
So they definitely went through something…something similar to what Tina and Teddy are going through now.
And then if there was any confusion about exactly what happened, in her conversation with the film crew, Erica says this:
“I understand what Tina and Teddy are going through. I really understand. Just like I was strong, she can be strong. We weren’t the first women to go through that and we won’t be the last. “
For those of you who like to see with your own eyes, here’s the clip from the show.
Seems pretty clear to you right? “she was strong.” “We weren’t the first women to go through that…” Arguably, based on those comments, Warryn was the one who cheated and she was the strong one who was able to forgive and got through it.
So we find it incredibly surprising that during an interview with Hip Hollywood, Erica insinuated that perhaps Warryn wasn’t the one to step out of the relationship.
When she said that she knows a little something about infidelity, the outlet pushed her to expound. And that’s when she dropped this bombshell.
“I really understood what she was talking about. A lot of people always assume that it was him. You don’t know who it is. That’s something that’s between me and Warryn. Most people assume that it’s always the guy. That’s not always the case.”
Again, the proof is in the video below.
And while we know men certainly aren’t the only ones who cheat, I’m really not buying what Erica’s trying to sell us here. Seems like she’s trying to mix it up and introduce different theories and speculations so the public won’t have too much insight into she and her husband’s marital issues. Which I understand. Everyone doesn’t want their business on front street. Or they at least want to be able to choose which business they put out there. But she slipped up in that confessional and it can’t be undone. What’s said on camera, lives on forever in this internet age. If you ask me there’s no two ways about it.
But what do you think? Was Erica the one to cheat in her relationship? Or do you think Warryn was the one and now she’s trying to throw people off the trail?
‘You’re Traveling And Girls Are Throwing It At You And Sometimes You’re Catching It:’ Mekhi Phifer On Malinda Williams Divorce
Mekhi Phifer and Malinda Williams appear to have an amazing co-parenting relationship. They seem to get along so well, that most people forget that they were once unhappily married. But the “Divergent” actor says that once him and Malinda put their relationship differences aside, they actually became great friends and even better co-parents.
“I was young, I was like 24 years old and that’s tough being that young in this business, where I was at in this business and being in a tumultuous relationship,” he confessed during a recent interview with Power 105.1’s The Breakfast Club.
“You try to do the right thing, me and her have a son together,” he continued. “Being in that kind of relationship and that jump in my career at that age, it was tough. I can’t front arguing at home and going through all of that because we were both young and with both our A-type personalities—but we’re really good peoples now. We’re better off, like we’re happily divorced, we’re better off friends and we’re raising our son together.”
Though all is well now, Mekhi briefly discussed some of the problems that he encountered during his marriage to Malinda—some of which seem to have been the result of him being unfaithful.
“At the time it was crazy. For a lack of a better term, you’re traveling and girls are throwing it at you and sometimes your catching it,” he confessed. “[I wasn’t cheating] the whole time but you know we were only married for less than a year.”
He adds that for a large portion of their marriage, they were living under the same roof, but separately.
“There was a point where because I bought us a house and we were living on opposite sides of the house. We were technically married but you’re going two or three days living in the house and you aren’t even talking to, you talking about walking up and down the stairs past each other and you aren’t even talking. Then you got out in the world and you have your own group of friends and she has her peoples and you just become separate.”
Of course breakups are never easy, even in relationships that we desperately need to break away from, but Mekhi says it was a huge relief once things were officially over.
“I was kind of relived. I had developed this bald spot in the back of my hair because I was stressed and I didn’t even know it was stress. But once we got separated and I didn’t make it hard, I left her with the house and all of that and just left. I left with my clothes and my whip so then I was cool.”
Though he was relieved to call it quits, he believes that the split was a bit more difficult for Malinda, who later did an interview with Honey magazine where she painted him as an adulterer.
“I guess she was still affected by it. She did this whole Honey article.”
Interestingly, despite previously admitting that he may have slept around while out on the road, he insists that there is no proof of him being a cheater because even though he and Malinda were technically still married at the time of his indiscretions, they were broken up.
“There was no proof of that,” he reasoned. “I said we were basically separated, we were only married a year and then we were technically married but we weren’t together. Yeah but there was no proof of that.”
We can totally respect their ability to put their relationship differences aside to be the best possible parents to their child.
Watch Mekhi’s full interview on the next page. Thoughts?