All Articles Tagged "infidelity"
As I perused my Facebook feed, a male friend posed this question for discussion: What is it about a man complaining about his girlfriend or wife that makes a woman be willing to cheat with him? At first I wasn’t sure what he meant, but he went on to say that when a man says he’s not happy in his current relationship or complains that his wife is nagging him, the woman he’s complaining to almost always seems willing to “comfort” him by being a better woman to him than his current partner.
Now, of course I didn’t think he should have painted all women with the broad stroke of one brush, but it did get me to thinking that there are a lot of women who hold the belief that if a woman was handling her business at home, her man wouldn’t be looking elsewhere. But what most men know and some women discover is that men seem to know exactly who to prey on when they want to cheat. They choose a woman with a sympathetic ear and shoulder to cry on who are more than willing to show him what a good woman she is in comparison to his current woman. It’s sad.
One woman who posted in the comment section labeled these women as “gender traitors,” meaning they hold no solidarity with other women when it comes to a man who is looking to cheat. Her position was that if more women told these men to kick rocks when they came around complaining about their women, or instructed them to work it out at home rather than “coming to his rescue,” less men would cheat. Hmm…I believe she has a point.
Now granted, I don’t think women should hold other women responsible for their cheating boyfriends or husbands or the demise of their relationships, but I can’t help but wonder that if more men would be faithful if more women said no to them. If there is always a woman willing to cheat, then they have no reason to change their behavior. But is that unrealistic?
It is believed that women are naturally competitive with each other – whether in the workplace, friendships or romantic situations. If the majority of women believe that there is a shortage of good men out there, the competition is even more serious. It’s survival of the fittest, so if one woman can or will do what another woman can’t or won’t, then it’s somehow the other woman’s fault for her own shortcomings when it comes to getting and keeping a man.
Also, women these days may not see getting involved with a taken man as immoral under the guise of being “sexually free.” If they feel they can separate sex from love, then messing around with your man may not be a big deal to them if they’re getting their needs met while not “catching feelings.” Of course, if you’re the girlfriend or wife, it won’t matter that she’s not actually trying to “steal” your man or that she’s not considering you while she’s getting her back cracked. To the other woman, you should be mad at your man, not her since she’s not the one in the committed relationship. And she would be right.
So that being said, are these so-called “gender traitors” the destroyers of relationships, or are we placing too much blame on women? Should we hold other women responsible for keeping our men faithful, or should we simply judge the man for any indiscretions? In my opinion, there really is no such thing as a “gender traitor,” just someone is who isn’t true to him or herself. Our life choices are about personal responsibility, not responsibility for anyone else’s actions. If each person, male or female, took personal responsibility for his or her actions with integrity and self respect, then perhaps this “problem” would take care of itself.
Word on the street is that rapper J. Cole, 28, has proposed to his longtime girlfriend. According to MTV.com:
“Has J. Cole really put a ring on it? The Roc Nation rapper has addressed his longtime relationship with college sweetheart Melissa Heholt in previous interviews, never revealing too many personal details, but this week reports are claiming that Cole might’ve made it official with his girl.”
At this point, there are only rumors swirling but as Cole hasn’t confirmed the new himself, MTV is hoping to receive a comment from his reps.
This isn’t the first time engagement rumors have surfaced. A couple of years ago, it was reported that they were engaged but Cole immediately shot that down. His silence over the last couple of days about it makes one think it might be true.
Cole and Heholt both attended St. John’s University in New York. While he’s always admitted to being in a relationship, he’s also been very vocal about his infidelity since becoming famous, even on his most recent album. Hopefully, he’s decided to curb his enthusiasm for other women if he’s thinking about taking things to another level with his girlfriend.
If this is true, congratulations to them!
If the current season of “Braxton Family Values” isn’t serving up enough drama for you, then maybe a second scoop of Traci Braxton will do the trick. According to In Touch Weekly, Traci and her husband of nearly 20 years, Kevin Surrat, will be starring in the upcoming season of WE tv’s “Marriage Bootcamp.”
On the show, which is scheduled to air in early summer 2014, Traci and Kevin will address infidelity concerns and the possibility of Kevin fathering a child outside of their marriage.
“Traci and Kevin have huge hurdles to overcome,” says “Bootcamp” director Jim Carroll. “They’ve made every mistake you can make, and infidelity would be poisonous to a marriage.”
Can Traci and Kevin survive “Marriage Bootcamp?” We certainly hope so! If you recall, on a recent episode of “Braxton Family Values” Traci confronted Kevin about rumors that he stepped out on her and had a kid. As if all of that isn’t enough, we hear that former “Bad Girls Club” star Tanisha Thomas and her hubby, Clive Muir, will also be bringing their problems to the show.
“Tanisha and Clive struggled throughout the entire boot camp both individually and as a couple. ‘Marriage Boot Camp’ was their last ditch effort to see if there was any life left in the marriage,” said Jim.
In a perfect world, all couples participating in this show will find ways to strengthen their marriage and walk away more in love than ever before, but unfortunately, reality TV doesn’t seem to work out that way.
Do you think that it’s wise for Traci and Tanisha to appear on a show that could potentially expose the flaws in their marriages?
It’s hard to think about and even fathom that a guy you like, who you have been spending time would, could, and is juggling several different women at once. No one wants to believe that they’re the other woman or one of many women, but sometimes we fall into a player’s trap. Here are 14 signs that you’re not the only woman, and if this is truly the case, don’t think twice about walking away from this man.
My godsister Aali met Bryson at work. Fresh out of graduate school, she was ready for a monogamous relationship that would eventually lead her down the aisle. Bryson was her perfect match– educated, financially stable, and he loved the Lord — or so he said. As we would catch up at her family’s Sunday dinners, she would gush about how funny he was. Aali even shared juicy tid-bits of them trading the not-so-innocent texts during the workday to keep their passion going. After they consummated their relationship, she knew for sure he was not the one. As she began to list off all the bullet point reasons of why she could never be with him, she seemed to leave off one. The real reason the two couldn’t be together was because he was already engaged to another woman and had a child — and Aali knew this information prior to the beginning of their “relationship.”
To comfort Aali about his fiancée, when Bryson initially met her, he told her their relationship was on the rocks and they’d somehow lost the love that brought them together. Aali believed him and began to enjoy the attention he gave her. The sex, dinners, and gifts were refreshing but his words of affirmation sold her on their romance. Despite sending him home to his fiancée with back scratches and hickies, she grew tired of his suspect behavior. Bryson would often go on vacation by himself and his social media pages were filled with bowtie selfies — no mention of a child or partner. His “I love you” texts and late night phone calls were consistent, but the gnawing feeling of being the other woman began to weigh on Aali.
“I’m not gold-digging for his money but for his feelings,” Aali said. One hour-long conversation got to the meat of her complex, yet enduring relationship. Unlike the men she had dated before, Bryson not only looked good on paper, he told Aali what she needed to hear. He (seemingly) made himself emotionally available for her to unload her 20-something troubles and he never forgot to tell her how beautiful she was. Somehow, through his affair, he appeared to help Aali through her self-hate issues. I never supported Aali’s relationship with Bryson for moral and personal reasons, but oddly enough I could see he was her saving grace — in a sense.
When Bryson ended their relationship, he told her what she needed to work on. Like a therapist, he suggested she accept how a man feels for her without asking 21 questions. (That’s likely not easy to do when said man has a family on the side.) He also, ironically, told her she needed to work on her self-esteem. Despite all the angry rebuttals I had for his self-righteousness, he was right. Aali never believed she was enough, until now. No matter the date, season, or number of heart-to-heart conversations Aali had with her friends, we could never convince her of her own worth. Bryson became an unlikely sponsor of emotional gain for Aali. Although it was for all the wrong reasons, he brought her to an “ah-ha” moment: she deserved more and she could get it. Though some may judge Aali for her behavior, I have learned it is always the unlikely relationship that pushes forth a rebirth that will direct us to a better life and man.
Occasionally, friendships can be very tricky to maneuver, but anything worth having is worth the extra effort, right? It seems that for longevity in a friendship is not just based on proximity (I’m still great friends with people who have moved to South Africa, and hours away from my current location), the recipe is simply communication. Instead of sitting and simmering when your friend upsets you, you should address it. Friendships end more often due to unspoken words, or worse, words spoken from repressed anger. It seems as though if people would just talk, and be open with each other, then there’s nothing that a friendship wouldn’t be able to survive.
But let me ask you something, readers, if your friend falsely accused you of something horrible, could you forgive them? I ask this because occasionally I’ll watch a DVR’d episode of Maury with my mother (guilty pleasure, don’t judge me), and there will be cases where a woman (and sometimes a man) will accuse their significant other and best friend of sleeping with each other. Sometimes it turns out to be true, and sometimes the friend is an innocent bystander that got unfairly drug into a dysfunctional relationship’s baggage.
Now in my bizarre journey through life, this is something that I’ve never encountered. But I always wondered, would I be able to forgive a friend that would think so lowly of me and how I take our friendship?
In normal life, we don’t have access to a lie detector test, or free DNA testing. All we have is our word, and the knowledge that what’s done in darkness will come to light. So, you wait and hope that your innocence can be illuminated. But after the dust settles, would you want that platonic “old thang” back?
I believe that most things can be salvaged by communication and introspection, and with a situation like this, these are the things that are worth considering.
Why would she even accuse me?
Relationships, particularly dysfunctional ones, can become a power struggle. Sometimes, in moments of maintaining control, one partner might start planting seeds in your friend about you. Maybe (s)he begins complimenting you to your friend, or even using downgrading language to her about why she can’t be more like you. There could even be times that your mate’s partner will make their attraction to you known to him/her. Sometimes it’s because they want to infuse jealousy in your partner, sometimes they want to begin to break close ties to isolate them, and sometimes it’s both. But your friend could be a victim of manipulation that causes them to question you, instead of looking at the person who’s pointing fingers.
Did I do something to warrant this accusation?
I am very pro-be-yourself, but at the same time, things should be pulled back when it comes to someone’s relationship. Sure you noticed that your friend’s mate has been going to the gym. A simple compliment shouldn’t be a big deal, but gushing over “how great” the mate looks, might have your friend giving you the side-eye. So is trying to be their partner in a group game (Spades, anyone?), or maintaining inappropriate communication with their mate. (Kenya, anyone?)
If you are a naturally flirty person, there are times, places, and people to do that with, and your friend’s mate is not one of them. No matter how harmless you feel like it is, or how your friendship should know that that’s just how you are, you should also respect your friend enough to not make them begin to question your behavior.
Where do we go from here?
Personally, I would be impressed if after a person was able to prove their innocence, a friendship could go back as if nothing ever happened. If you’ve been able to do this, please share your story, so that we may bask in your friendship’s overwhelming maturity. But for others, that accusation just entered their union into an uncomfortable territory that might be hard to get back out of. Once the smoke settles, and you’re looking at each other awkwardly, what are your next steps?
Communication. Find out what was going on in your friend’s head to even make him/her consider you as a possible homewrecker. Sometimes when people are too in their own minds, and don’t allow themselves to have an outlet or sounding board, minute things begin to magnify to them. Have an open conversation and try to get to the bottom of what fueled the whole thing.
But, at the end of the day, it’s all up to you if you decide that keeping this friendship is worth it. Friendships are definitely worth having, but so is your own peace of mind.
So tell me, dear readers, how would you handle a situation like this? If you have, how did you deal with it?
Kendra Koger can be caught occasionally watching Maury, and occasionally on twitter @kkoger.
As a woman, who has been cheated on, my innate response to the love triangle was to hate Peter and everything he stood for. How dare he treat Tara that way and I cursed his and Amina’s name. I was expecting the worse from him and anticipating our interview all at the same time.
When Peter arrived to the office, I was expecting an entourage, security maybe and at least a few flashy pieces of jewelry to reiterate to the world that he is famous…again. Instead Gunz, dressed humbly in a jacket and book bag walked in, telling us a story about his train ride. A high school girl had cursed him out for all the things I too wanted to scold him for. He laughed about it and greeted us all like he’s never sold a record, let alone platinum single, in his life.
Peter was surprisingly pleasant. I guess I was expecting his personality and demeanor to reflect a lying, cheating a**hole, but it didn’t. However, that didn’t change my mind–he did what he did and I was going to grill him for it.
During our 30-minute sit down, Peter revealed that his father too had multiple girlfriends and because of that, he never thought his situation was abnormal until he watched it on TV. And that’s when he stared into his lap and admitted, he needs help.
Read more at HelloBeautiful.com
When Love & Hip Hop made its season four debut last week, many questioned why new cast member, Peter Gunz, would take the Stevie J route and agree to appear on a reality show, knowing good and well that he was cheating on his child’s mother, Tara Wallace. Many speculated that it was all about the money. It looks like they were correct.
During a recent interview with Sway in the Morning, the Bronx native confessed that he signed on to do the show because his finances were in shambles and he knew that he would eventually get busted for cheating anyway.
“Sh** was gonna blow up anyway,” he reasoned. “I was going to get busted. Why not get paid to get busted? I’m f**ked up out here. Last time I went to the ATM, that sh** told me to get the f**k outta here. I had one hit… when they called me about the show, I was 3 months behind the rent,” he admitted.
As for his cheating ways, he says that he has always had issues with being faithful.
“When you’re up to no good, and you have a beautiful, smart woman like I have Tara. Absolutely the right thing to do is to break up with the one you’re with and move on,” he said.
“I can absolutely tell you I have no complaints about Tara. She’s dope! It’s me. It’s my bullsh**. I’ve never been in a relationship where it was the woman’s fault. I’ve always had a problem being loyal.”
I mean, I guess it’s a good thing that he found a way to pay his rent, but to intentionally sell out and embarrass the woman you love on national television for a check? That doesn’t sound like love.
Does any of this surprise you?
Watch Peter’s full interview on the next page.
I returned from a J. Cole concert a few weeks ago to a very pouty-looking fiancé whom I later found out was offended by my love and appreciation for J. Cole and Drake. My stanning is no secret and I think those are two of the sexiest men on the planet. However, not once did I ever think of my fantasizing as a problem. It got me thinking about the gray areas of infidelity and what different people consider cheating. We all like to think that once we’ve found the one our faithfulness will be unbreakable, but how do you define your fidelity and at what point do you begin to question its strength?
If I’m completely honest, I can’t tell you what I’d do if, in the words of Elle Varner, I got light-skinned Jermaine in a sound proof room, but I would hate to think that my fidelity is really balanced on the improbability of a fantasy. What about those couples who give their partners a fantasy pass or a hall pass, because after all, how often is the chance to have sex with a celebrity crush going to happen? And before the rebuttals start flying back as women confidently claim, “I love my babe. No other man, celebrity or not, could change that,” let’s just be clear that I am strictly talking about sex, not love. I mean, most people would consider either cheating, but being simply sexually attracted to someone else is way different than wanting to be in a relationship with them. And how many women claiming that they would never sink to be a groupie (even if only for a night) have pictured Morris Chestnut on top of them when in reality they’re in bed with their boyfriend? We all fantasize, but does daydreaming mean we’re incapable of being monogamous?
Sex-therapist, Dr. David Schnarch, suggests that nothing is wrong with “partner-replacement fantasy” until the fantasy starts replacing your actual sex life. So if you’re telling your man you don’t want to be touched because you’d rather watch How Stella Got Her Groove Back for the umpteenth time, you may have more of a problem with your partner than you think. Fantasy allows people, especially in long-term relationships, to temporarily ignore the predictability that can come with truly knowing their partner. So if for 10 minutes you can imagine Morris Chestunt as se*y, sophisticated, smart and romantic, there’s no harm in that, right?
“As I get older my experiences have taught me that life is a lot grayer than I thought. It’s easy to be less judgmental when you realize that,” I told a friend the other day. There are no right answers for every relationship. All two people can do is find what works well for the two of them. That means that cheating has to be defined by the people in that relationship from the beginning: One man’s kiss is another man’s intercourse.
I don’t think anyone is 100 percent monogamous. I like to believe that fidelity, much like sexuality, can be measured on a scale from Chris Rock’s character in I Think I Love My Wife to Diane Lane in Unfaithful. If my experience being in a long-term relationship has taught me anything it’s that we all flirt, we all fantasize, we all have urges to have sex with someone else from time to time, but it doesn’t mean we’re all a Cheaters episode waiting to happen. On the flip side, just because you’re not getting it popping on the regular with someone other than your partner doesn’t mean you’re completely innocent either.
When it comes to monogamy, I’m pretty open-minded; I don’t consider it cheating unless you’re doing something you know damn well you should only be doing with your partner. If you’re feeling guilty, that’s a pretty good sign. Fantasizing can even be a healthy way to re-ignite the attraction to your partner, as long as it stays inside your head and not in your bed.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
My husband of 21 years had an emotional affair with a 24-year-old several years ago. I investigated, they both say that it was just a friendship but they were calling and texting one another several times a day. She also worked conveniently close to my home, which means they saw one another frequently. I feel as though I’ve forgiven him, however, he doesn’t communicate with me concerning our relationship and where it is going. It pisses me off that he had all those conversations with her but can’t communicate with me. I don’t know how to get past this or how to get him to be open and honest with me about us. Help!
Read Dr. Sherry’s response at Essence.com