All Articles Tagged "infidelity"
Tina and Teddy Campbell have accomplished something that many married couples cannot: they survived infidelity. Three years ago, the “Mary Mary” singer learned that her husband cheated with multiple women—including a close family friend with whom he had an ongoing affair. Much of the drama unfolded on the couple’s We TV reality show, and it was quite ugly. The trust she had in him was shattered. And although both parties agreed to fight for their marriage very early on, it really didn’t seem like the Campbells would survive this crippling blow to their union.
Months after the incident, Tina and her sister, Erica Campbell, stopped by MadameNoire’s midtown office for an interview. I nervously broached the questions I had that were related to Teddy’s indiscretions, but my fear quickly subsided. Tina was an open book. Clearly, she had already “done her work,” as Iyanla would say. She was at peace and the strength that she exuded literally sent chills up my spine and brought a tear to my eye. She believed that God was capable of restoring her marriage. In fact, she was confident that He had already done so. She spoke boldly and flexed her faith in the face of fear and the possibility of failure, knowing good and well that there were plenty of naysayers who said that she was foolish for believing that a cheating man could change his ways. After the interview, I literally asked our video for the uncut footage because I knew that watching it back would help me during days when I faced fear-inducing situations. Yes, she stood that firmly in her beliefs. She clung to God’s promises as if they were a life raft and refused to be shaken. Today, it seems that the couple has witnessed the fulfillment of those very promises and they appear to be happier than ever. Recently, Tina took to Instagram to thank God for her husband’s transformation and to celebrate the progress they’ve made.
I trust him to lead them because he trusts God to lead him. I saw God in action as HE transformed this grown man and I’ll never forget or doubt what I saw and what I continue to see daily. God is amazing and He has blown my mind with this man he blessed me with. He now leads by example because Jesus is his example and his family is honored to follow him.
Many women, including women of the Christian faith, subscribe to notions like “a leopard can’t change its spots” and “once a cheater always a cheater” when it comes to infidelity in relationships. While I certainly understand the logic, couldn’t one argue that this kind of goes against certain Christian principles such as walking by faith instead of by sight and believing that God is capable of turning any situation around? The Internet is filled with stories of both men and women whose marriages were not only able to survive, but also flourish after infidelity—including this account posted by Unveiled Wife from a woman who fell in love with another man two years into her marriage. Of course, that’s not to say that every marriage will survive such a gross betrayal of trust, but simply that it is possible for a cheater to be transformed.
If a friend was believing God to “fix” his or her cheating spouse, would you tell them that they’re delusional? Do you believe that God can change a cheater?
When I learned that my now ex-boyfriend cheated on me, I lost it. I mean, I went ballistic. I couldn’t really figure out what hurt more: the fact that my ex betrayed my trust or the fact that he tried to make me feel like I was crazy when I confronted him. I was heartbroken. I was devastated. And most of all, I was enraged. I’ve been a cry baby for most of my life, but the tears didn’t come until much later because somehow, my pain was being suppressed by my fury. I fantasized about ways to get back at him. I wanted him to feel the same emotions that I did. During this challenging moment in my life, I thought about doing a lot of crazy things and wanted to act out in many ways, but I always came to my senses. Most of the outlandish behaviors that I allowed myself to entertain would have made me look foolish as well. Sure, I could put his indiscretions on front street, but that would also require me to put my own business out there for the entertainment and amusement of people who didn’t give a damn about me. I say all of that to say that I know what it feels like to be betrayed. I can understand how your emotions would push you to want to act out publicly, but I can’t really understand how people are actually able to follow through with their plans.
In 2010, Garcelle Beauvais learned that her now ex-husband, Mike Nilon, had been unfaithful. In a fit of rage, the actress sent an email informing Nilon’s colleagues at the Hollywood CAA Agency of her discovery.
Tiger Woods/Jesse James/Mike Nilon. What do they have in common . . . I found out today that MY husband of almost 9 yrs has been having an affair for 5 yrs with some slut in Chicago. I am devastated!!!! And I have been duped!! Our boys don’t deserve this!
While Beauvais may have felt temporarily satisfied by her decision to shame her husband for his cheating ways, things quickly backfired. The email was later leaked and published by the New York Post.
“When I actually looked and realized it had been leaked, I was sobbing, sobbing,” the actress shared five years after the scandal. “It’s embarrassing. At the same time, you’re in pain. It was another part of the devastation, honestly.”
Last fall, two videos of a man confronting his cheating girlfriend with audio evidence went viral. In the videos, which are nearly 40 minutes long in total, the man leads his girlfriend to believe that they’re about to celebrate her birthday, but in actuality, he’s about to present all of the evidence that he has on her. Did I mention that his parents were present during the incident?
I can’t imagine why anyone dealing with the hurt that comes with the betrayal would willing subject themselves to the humiliation that comes along with publicly shaming an unfaithful partner. The way I see it, you don’t really have much to gain from inviting the world into your relationship drama except maybe a fleeting feeling that you’ve somehow gotten revenge.
In my opinion, the best way to repay a cheater is to leave the situation with your dignity still intact, but that’s just me. What are your thoughts on this? Do you believe there are any real benefits to publicly shaming a cheater?
Over the years, I have grown extremely close to my coworkers. They’ve literally become like family, and it’s tough to imagine my life without them sometimes. With that said, as close as we are, they’re still my colleagues and in the workplace, there are some lines should just never be crossed. However, not everyone gets that concept. A concerned wife, who we’ll call “Ebony” recently took to Reddit in hopes of getting advice regarding her 33-year-old husband Phillip’s peculiar relationship with his co-worker, Kelsey. Phillip and Kelsey have worked together for two years, and Ebony really thought nothing of their relationship, but something strange happened after Phillip learned of Kelsey’s pregnancy five months ago. According to 31-year-old Ebony, Phillip has been going above and beyond to help the 23-year-old expectant mom with her pregnancy—including spending hundreds of dollars, buying gifts and tagging along for doctor’s appointments. Of course, this would make any wife uncomfortable, but when confronted about his behavior, Phillip scolded Ebony for being selfish and trying to discourage him from doing a good deed. He insists that he simply wants to help Kelsey because her child’s father is not in the picture. Performing good deeds is great, except Phillip have never been the “charitable type” and Ebony’s common sense mixed with women’s intuition left her feeling like something else is up.
“He won’t acknowledge what I think is very worrisome behavior. At this point, I wonder what I’m supposed to do. I think he really is trying to do a good deed, but part of me worries that something else is happening,” Ebony initially explained.
When asked if there was something going on between him and Kelsey, Phillip called Ebony jealous and insecure. He also declined his wife’s request to meet the young woman that they were helping. However, after witnessing enough red flags, Ebony took matters into her own hands and reached out to Kelsey, who confirmed what she had known all along: she’s pregnant with Phillip’s baby. Ebony discussed the heartbreaking experience in a follow-up post.
“I decided to contact Kelsey the next day,” Ebony explained. “She sent me a very nasty message back. I will spare you many of the details. The basic gist was that I was old and unattractive and unable to satisfy my husband, so he found someone better (i.e., Kelsey). Among other things, she claimed that the baby was my husband’s and that he was planning to leave me but felt sorry for me and couldn’t bring himself to do it. She ended the message by telling me that I should let him go so they could be together. It hurt a lot to read that message. It still hurts me to think about it.”
When confronted with this new information, Phillip broke down and confessed, but claimed that he wanted to work things out with his wife.
“I showed him the message. He got really quiet and admitted that she was telling the truth but denied telling her all of the horrible things she said about me. He said it (getting her pregnant) was a mistake, and he was only trying to do the right thing by her and the baby. He denied that they were still sleeping together and said he wanted to stay with me and have a baby with me. I have no idea if either of these things are true.”
Ebony has already begun scouting divorce attorneys, but she’s still unsure about whether or not she’s going to file.
“I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Everything has happened so fast. A couple of days have passed now, and I’m still thinking things over. He wants us to go to counseling to try to work through this, but I don’t think I’m interested in working on our marriage.”
I would ask what you all believe that she should do, but I’m pretty sure that at least 95% of you will recommend chucking the deuces. So instead, I’ll just ask you to leave your thoughts on this situation below.
Two years ago, Tina Campbell revealed that her husband, Teddy Campbell, had been unfaithful to her with multiple women—including a close family friend. The couple decided to stay together to work on their marriage, and it appears that the duo is better because of it. The couple recently appeared on “The Steve Harvey Show” to partake in a segment called “Life After Infidelity,” which is when Tina revealed how she learned of Teddy’s multiple affairs. According to the singer and reality star, a close friend blew the whistle.
“Someone who knows me very well was watching the show, and I was always saying, ‘I could leave all of this. I could just go and be with my husband. I don’t need none of this. It’s just me and Teddy and they can have this.’ She was like, ‘Listen, I hate to have to say this to you, but I followed the information that I found out for six months to make sure that it was true because I don’t want to break your heart, but don’t stop doing what you’re doing because you may need to take care of you and your kids.’ So they told me about two of them.”
Tina confronted Teddy with the information she received, and he tried to deny it.
“I talked to my husband two days before, I was in New York, I was like, ‘Listen, honey, I got reason to believe that something is going on. I’m coming to you because I love you, and I want to work through whatever this is, but I need you to tell me the truth.’ We stayed on the phone for an hour and eight minutes. He didn’t give me nothing.”
When she returned home, she confronted Teddy again. Then, she confronted the woman, which is when she realized that her friend was right.
“The person who it was, she used to work for me. That broke my heart; she was like a godmother to my children. She had access to my home, to come get my kids, all of that stuff. She was in the mix of our family. I called, and she didn’t answer her phone. When we got home on Super Bowl Sunday, I [told Teddy] ‘Come upstairs.’ I said ‘Are you having an affair with her?’ He said ‘No.’ I said ‘Call her,’ and so he did. I said, ‘Are you sleeping with my husband?’ And she hung up the phone, so I had my answer.”
It’s amazing that their marriage survived betrayal of this magnitude.
For the life of me, I can’t understand the urge to share every detail of one’s life, good, bad or ugly on social media. And perhaps it would be best to ignore the attention seekers. But their behaviors generally make for some good discussion and serve as a reminder that we too should be careful what we let the digital world know about our lives.
The most recent example of this is a man who believes he caught his wife carrying on an extramarital affair. He claims that she’s cheated once before and he decided to take her back and work on their marriage. When he did so, he found that she had been using the social media app, Glide, to correspond with men. (In the video he says that she deleted it but he re-downloaded it to see what she was doing.)
Instead of keeping the matter between the two of them, he recorded a video addressed to the presumed side dude.
The video is disturbing, to say the least. The “jilted” husband grabs his wife by the hair as he screams at her, telling her, among other things, that she’s going to hell because she’s a slut.
His wife is crying and trying to explain herself.
He’s hearing none of it.
Instead, he keeps cutting her off telling her that she’s caught and he’s done with her. But of course, he’s not done with her in that instant, he wants to publicly humiliate her first to teach her a lesson.
Honestly, the way he was behaving in the video, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did more than grab her hair. Someone mentioned that those tears and her body language seem to be more fear based than any shame or regret she might feel about being caught.
Still, there are plenty of people on the internet applauding the man for “taking his marriage vows seriously.” They feel that in his right to be angry, he also has the right to treat her however he sees fit.
If she was indeed cheating or sending inappropriate messages to men through the Glide app, she’s certainly wrong. But I don’t know what part of the marriage vows cause you to expose your spouse’s missteps not only in your personal social circle but for the entire world to see. I understand very few of us behave like our best selves when we’re hurt or feel like we’ve been betrayed. But there is something particularly callous and cruel about this video.
If she did cheat, both of their actions are vile.
If you don’t like what your wife has done, ask her to leave the house, divorce her. But don’t throw your problems out into the world for shine and sympathy. It’s pathetic.
Personally, I’m not here for any forms of public humiliation. I don’t particularly care for it when parents do it to their children. So I certainly can’t support a grown man doing the same to a grown woman he claims to love.
The video has since been removed from YouTube, but you can watch a clip of it, from Baller Alert, below.
Man Blasts Cheating Wife On Camera While Making A Video To Her Side Lover – blogged by: @ashleytearra Over the past couple of days, the internet has been stirring up a frenzy over quite a few things–and this viral video happens to be one of them. After finding out his wife had been conversing with another man on a social media app–yet again, a man took his frustration to social media by recording a video of him blasting his wife for her inappropriate acts. In the video, he specifically directs his words to her "side lover"–letting the lover know the cold-hearted truth. "I bet you don't know she's married, do you? You don't know it. It ain't your fault, she lied to the other guy too." The upset husband says. From the video, it is pretty evident that this isn't the wife's first time cheating on her husband, and he seems to be pretty fed up with it. Honestly, can we blame him? Let's be real, It has to be very hurtful to know that after you've forgiven a person for this same mistake before, they do it once again. Soon after the video released, many opinions floated through Twitter and Facebook. There were people who agreed with how the husband handled the situation, and others who didn't. From a viewers standpoint, what are your thoughts? Should he have handled the situation in this manner? Let us know in the comments! See the full video by logging on to BallerAlert (clickable link on profile) #cheaters #video #logon
There’s nothing quite like the sting of betrayal felt when you’ve learned that your partner has been unfaithful. Last month, a 21-year-old woman, who we’ll call “Audrey,” sought advice on Reddit’s relationship message board because she suspected that 29-year-old Tim, her boyfriend of two years, had been dishonest with her.
Tim and Audrey are both living in Europe after relocating from their native countries. When they met, Tim said that he had just ended a relationship, and was temporarily living with his ex-girlfriend and would be doing so for the following 3 months for financial reasons.
A few months pass and Tim doesn’t move out. He says he’s now got his own little apartment in the same house, but that it’s so much better for him to stay there because he doesn’t have to buy any furniture and the rent is cheap. (Remember we’re foreigners, so buying a ton of furniture that you’re just going to have to sell when you leave is annoying) He eventually starts saying that he’s going to bring me over there to show me that they’re living separately and whatnot.
Long story short, that never happened. Every time I asked him to ask her about it, he’d say that she’d get upset and blah blah blah. Apparently she was aware that he had a girlfriend, but didn’t like it and wanted to get back together.
After a year, he finally moved out. Not into his own place, but into the spare room at his buddy’s house. I had been to this buddy’s place before, only once, though, and that has been the one and only time I’ve ever met one of his non-mutual friends (which is suspicious and strange on its own). I didn’t help with the move (not for lack of trying), so no, I never saw him move his stuff there. Again, this was a temporary solution until he found a place of his own.
Tim never moved out of his friend’s place, and when it came to having Audrey over, he always made excuses. She has never met or been in contact with his family, so one night, she decided to do a bit of digging on Facebook.
I went Facebook stalking. I searched for “Tagged Photos of Tim” because I know he’s weird about his Facebook and doesn’t let tagged pictures and posts show up on his wall. While going through the pictures, I found three pictures of him while he was visiting home over the summer. In each of the three pictures, there is a girl, who is untagged, and sitting next to Tim. In 2 of the 3 pictures his arm is around her (but the pictures are more posed, and everyone’s arms are around each other). 2 of the pictures are with friends, so I figured she’s a friend from home, no big deal. In one picture, though, they are with his sister and her husband and daughter. So a much more intimate picture.
And then, she turned to Google.
I did some more Google research and found Stephanie’s grandmother’s obituary. She died in January. So after Tim would have moved out of the house and definitely after they should have been broken up. And yet, on the obituary his name is listed next to Stephanie’s as members of the family. I do know that he was close to the grandmother and that she left him stuff in her will, but still I’m suspicious.
Weeks later, Audrey provided an update on her situation. In short, she went through Tim’s phone and text exchanges with Stephanie confirmed her suspicions. Not only was he in a relationship with Stephanie, but they still lived together.
I found texts from Stephanie from the day before talking about what they should make for dinner that night (he told me he was out of town for work that night). I found lots of hearts and “I love yous” and even him using the same pet names for her as he does for me. He told her he was going out of town this weekend for work and how much he’d miss her. I looked through the past few weeks of messages between them and saw that he had sent her quite a few of the same pictures that he had sent me. He had invited her to have a glass of wine with his buddy and her girlfriend. He picked her up from work multiple times, and there were lots of conversations about who was making dinner that night and what they should eat.
I went back and looked for dates where I knew he had slept over with me, and he had always told her he was crashing at a friend’s place or out of town for work or something along those lines. I also found a group text message titled “Family” that included Tim, his sister, his mom, and Stephanie.
In a second update, Audrey explained that she reached out to Stephanie via snail mail to share her side of the story. Shortly after, Tim cut off all contact with her.
I wrote Stephanie a three-page letter, detailing the relationship that Tim and I have had over the past two years. Making clear that it was serious and not just a fling. I mentioned dates and events that most people would not have known about, and I included the intricate lies and back story that he had told me. I included a list of dates from the last 2 months that he spent the night with me and encouraged her to cross check them with nights that he wasn’t at home. I printed out a few photos of us as a quick visible proof, and I included the rest of the photos on a USB stick in the letter. The stick also contained screenshots of any particularly incriminating conversations that we’ve had over the last few months. I scanned postcards that he had sent me from various vacations and included those as well. For safe measure, I also included a copy of the letter, in case the hard copy went somehow mysteriously missing. I gave her my email address and phone number and asked her to contact me if she wanted to.
I mailed the letter. I ensured that it was registered post. In order to receive the letter, she’d have to show her ID and sign for it. On Friday, the letter arrived. She was not home, so she received a notification to go pick up the letter up at the post office. On Saturday morning, she picked it up, and I got an email of the receipt with her signature on it.
Throughout all of this, I conversed normally with Tim and made excuses as to why he couldn’t come over during the week, so as to not tip him off to anything. He stopped talking to me about 20 minutes after she picked up the letter Saturday morning, and I have not heard from him since. He has, however, defriended me and my family on Facebook. I have not heard from Stephanie either.
So, now it’s really over. I hope with my whole heart that he was not able to lie and manipulate his way out of the situation with her, but I will probably never know. I do not expect to hear from him again.
I feel very lonely, taken advantage of and beaten down. I am going to do my best to try to come out of this situation without trust issues and without being cynical and jaded. I am seeking therapy to make sure I don’t slip into depression. For now, I need to find ways to distract myself and fill up any free time.
Oh yeah, she plans on getting tested.
Hello Barbara, this is Shirley.
Last night Twitter was in all of its messy glory after rumors of infidelity in Victor Cruz’s relationship with his fiancée, Elaina Watley, hit the web. According to the rumor mill, Watley got fed up with her dude and his (alleged) philandering ways and decided to blow things up by bluntly addressing the wide receiver’s 200 mistresses via group text. I’m not quite sure where the Internet pulled this number from, but they’ve unanimously settled on 200.
Oh yeah, there’s a screenshot of the alleged message floating around, which reads:
Hello ladies, this is, Elaina Victor Cruz’s fiancée. You all know about me, and I seem to be the topic of conversations with Vic. I’m sure he’s told you many of things about us and how we don’t exist but given the fact that you all meet him in hotel rooms only, we all know that’s a lie, just as he tells me you all are whores and mean nothing to him.
Neither Cruz nor Watley has confirmed the screenshot’s authenticity. But of course, that didn’t stop Twitter running with it because, well, who doesn’t love a good scandal? And this, my friends, is the epitome of scandalous.
Most of the tweets that I’ve come across so far either poked fun at the situation with GIFs of Cruz’s reaction to the alleged group text, or Elaina’s boldness. However, there was one person’s take on the situation that kind of caught me off guard. Anyone who knows me knows that I love me some Luvvie. She’s my friend in my head, and that will never change. But I have to say that I was shocked to see that she dubbed Elaina’s group text as “pigeon” behavior, and I’m going to have to lovingly disagree with my boo on this one. Luvvie writes:
If you want to know what being a bird looks like, this is it. Anyone who finds out their partner is cheating and confronts whoever they’re cheating with instead of the damb Groupon peen and vag they have committed to is a basic bird. They are pigeons.
Anyone who finds their partner cheating and confronts who they're cheating w/ instead of damb groupon peen or vag they love is a basic bird.
— Awesomely Luvvie (@Luvvie) October 7, 2015
Victor Cruz's fiancee needs to hold a Pigeon Summit. If that ain't the most bird behavior, sending mass text to your boo's side-chicks…
— Awesomely Luvvie (@Luvvie) October 7, 2015
Dammmmn Gina, why she got to be all of that?
Now, let me put it out there that I do catch her drift. If your partner cheats on you, I do believe that you should take it up with them since they’re the one who agreed to be in a monogamous relationship with you. In most cases, the other woman owes you nothing. However, I don’t really see anything wrong with also addressing the other woman if you find that to be necessary. Would I do it? More than likely, I would not. But I wouldn’t consider the next woman a chickenhead or think less of her if she chose to do so in a tactful manner. Honestly, who truly knows how they would react if they learned that the man they’re engaged to marry was out here slanging community penis on the regular? Hopefully, the initial reaction would be to leave, but I truly believe that you would have to walk in that woman’s shoes to really know how you would move in this kind of situation. It’s pretty easy to speak on and judge the actions of others, but after receiving some heartbreaking news like that and listening to “Not Gon’ Cry” on repeat enough times, who really knows how they would react?
Furthermore, it’s not like the message was threatening. She never asked them to meet her on the corner of such and such so that they could “shoot the heady.” She simply wanted to let the other women know what’s tea. “Hey Sis, I’m not sure what you think this is, but we’re very much together, and you’re sleeping with an engaged man.”
If he was wild enough to be out here sleeping with anything with a pulse after his proposal to this woman went viral last year, he deserves to be embarrassed the way that he supposedly was. Obviously, the gesture probably won’t help or change their situation in any way, and if they do plan to stay together, they really should seek professional help. But perhaps it made her feel better during a moment when she felt like things were falling apart around her, and to me, that’s okay.
If all of this mess turns out to be true—I pray to God it’s not—then I truly feel for this woman. Like, for real. And if anything, I’m more concerned about her decision to possibly remain in this unhealthy and potentially dangerous situation.
What are your thoughts on reaching out to the other woman? Have you ever? Would you ever?
Some people view one-time sexual infidelity as a lesser offense than emotional infidelity. The logic goes, sex means less in a relationship than other forms of intimacy, and one-off misdemeanors are less meaningful than long-term attachments. However, when you have bipolar disorder, sex becomes a marker for mood and health that is just as important as other forms of cheating within a relationship.
So, I cheated on a boyfriend once. It was sexual infidelity, not a planned rendezvous behind my partner’s back. It all happened because my man of nine months preferred to work on a Saturday night rather than hang out with me. I can only assume that work was his preference as I suggested dinner and a movie and he demurred, saying he was in the middle of refining his computer program. I’ll be honest, I still don’t know whether his weekend infraction was worthy of me getting angry or not, but I got angry. I firmly believe, as I believed then, that people in a serious relationship need to see each other every Saturday night. Clearly my boyfriend didn’t agree, and I wondered whether he really wanted to be in a relationship with me. I was angry and I didn’t know what to do with my anger.
Instead of thinking about my feelings or deciding to have a talk with my man, I called my best friend and made plans to meet her at a bar. My situation could best have been described as “on tilt.” Poker players use the term to describe making a wildly inappropriate bet after losing a big hand. Getting rejected, however slightly, was me losing a big hand and I needed a way to make up for the negative feelings I had by betting on another man. When my friend and I sat down at the bar, there was a somewhat attractive man near us. We began talking to him and learned he was from out of town. I bought him a few drinks and decided that I’d be sleeping with him that night.
The details of my dalliance are unimportant, only that it took place at my friend’s apartment because she lived closer to the bar. Apparently I’d lost all sense of judgement in pursuit of a sexual infidelity that would make me feel something other than I’d felt being rejected my my boyfriend. The next morning, I felt completely retched. I knew that what I’d done could wreck my relationship even though I believed I was somewhat justified in having done it. Perhaps I could make my man understand how his rejection — or any rejection — made me feel like I was a worthless person. Like nobody would ever love me. Like I needed to grab onto any positive feeling for dear life whenever and wherever I found it.
But I didn’t talk about how I felt. Instead I tried to make up for my sexual infidelity by turning up at my boyfriend’s house unannounced. I somehow thought that my presence would erase my guilt and right my emotional instability. Of course it didn’t, instead leading to an annoying conversation about boundaries and something I didn’t quite hear because I was too busy crying. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the man from the night before because I wasn’t sure that I could handle the immediate judgment and likely breakup; I was already too fragile, too volatile. And I needed the positive feeling of knowing I was in a relationship, even if it wasn’t perfect.
I never did tell my boyfriend that I’d slept with another man. We had a mutual breakup a few months later, when my bipolar depression was less acute and I realized that being single was better than settling for a little bit of happiness. I don’t believe I’ll be cheating on another boyfriend. My emotions are much more stable than they were then, and I don’t think I can handle any extra guilt in my life. I’ll just stick with whatever I have for the moment.
With the recent Ashley Madison leaks claiming media headlines across the country, conversations about infidelity have been thrust back into the forefront. During a recent appearance on “The Doctors,” socialite Amber Rose expressed her personal belief that every man is unfaithful at some point or another.
“I feel like every man cheats, that’s just me,” she shared. “I do, I’m sorry. But I do feel like if he loves you enough, you will never ever find out.”
According to reports, Amber was cheated on by her famous ex, Kanye West, and more recently, her estranged husband Wiz Khalifa, whom according to radio personality Peter Rosenberg, she caught in the act.
Apparently, deceit was a major topic of conversation during the TV appearance because Amber also addressed a recent scandal in which her likeness was used to allegedly lure aspiring models into prostitution.
“I was on Instagram, and someone tagged me in a photo,” the actress explained. “It was a screenshot of that video and said, ‘I just Facetimed with Amber and she was trying to get me to have sex with guys.'”
Unsurprisingly, Amber says that she was mortified by the discovery.
“I was extremely outraged. I was in shock because I was like, ‘I’m all for women empowerment, and to see something like that, it made me really sad. I was young and easily manipulated just like these girls. Thank God I didn’t fall into anything like that.”
As previously reported, the modeling agency pulled footage from one of Amber’s old Ustream videos and used it to convince modeling hopefuls that they were on a FaceTime session with her. From there, the company allegedly told the women that they would set them up on dates with wealthy men and that their willingness to be intimate would help them to secure modeling gigs.
There have been one too many cheating horror stories involving women of color in the news.
Then there was the curious case of Barvetta Singletary. The 37-year-old White House staffer fired a gunshot at her beau, a Capitol Hill police officer, after she demanded to see his cellphone because she wanted to know about another woman he was seeing.
There was also the report about Lisa Brown, the mistress of a former NFL player who kidnapped and killed his wife before taking her own life.
And just a few days ago, an unconfirmed story surfaced about a pregnant Ghanaian woman who allegedly committed suicide by jumping from the roof of her home. She did so upon finding out her husband was sleeping with another woman (not to mention that the other woman was…her mother?!).
In the words of my beloved friend Akiba Solomon, “Lord, today.” Which is to say that the world we live in now is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s–and not in a perky, pop song way. Those infidelity-related stories are incredibly sad. There’s nothing more tragic, in fact, than seeing women crash and burn while risking (and losing) their lives and livelihoods for dubious reasons.
Now, I don’t mean to sound off about what are and what are not good reasons to jeopardize one’s life. And I am not questioning whether or not infidelity makes the cut. I believe that women are entitled to their own “Would I die over this?” hopelessness threshold, the tipping point at which a person or event causes them to completely lose heart. So, no judgment if “a cheating man” is your personal tipping point. But it’s certainly not mine.
And, to be frank, I’ve been a cheater in several of my relationships. That is not a prideful boast or a shameful confession, but it’s worth being upfront about. And though I’m not currently cheating on anyone, I won’t try to circumvent any conventional “once a cheater, always a cheater” wisdom to which you might subscribe.
I’ve also been the other woman in someone else’s relationship. Again: Not proud–but also not ashamed. For most single women, dating is about taking the high road. These women will not consider a male contender unless he’s wife-less and wifey-less. But, admittedly (admittedly and, perhaps, in your opinion, disturbingly), I am not one of those women.
Right now, I’m happy to report that I’m neither cheating in my relationship nor am I the other woman in someone else’s. But my past discretions still seem pertinent to consider, given the spate of infidelity-related incidents in the news and the state of my own love life. Not only have I been noticing numerous women-who’ve-been-cheated-on headlines lately, but I’ve also been getting serious with a guy who I’ve been seeing for a while. And being at the onset of a relationship in this current events climate has me wondering: Will I cheat on him? Heck, will he cheat on me? (And my short answer to both questions is maybe.)
Look, I won’t say that I’m pro-cheating or that I wouldn’t care at all if a guy I’m dating cheated on me. No one likes to be cheated on–period. You’ll never hear me downright defend auxiliary affairs (strangely, my former cheating ways haven’t turned me into a fan of decidedly open relationships), but I do accept that stuff happens.
And, for me, having a “stuff happens” approach works. You might call it The Four P’s: Preparation, not preparedness; possibility, not pessimism.
Do I actively suspect that my partner will cheat on me and then constantly prowl for evidence? Absolutely not. Do I trust that my partner knows good and well that I don’t want him to cheat on me, but keep in mind that he might cheat on me anyway, because as terrific as he may be, no one’s perfect? Yeah, kinda.
How will I react if he does cheat? Well, I don’t know.
I won’t feign expertise here. I can’t pretend to know the right way that I, you or any other woman should handle infidelity. And, although I’ve been a cheater, I don’t have much experience as a cheatee. Which isn’t to say that I consider myself immune to being cheated on, mind you. I just can’t say for sure that any of my ex-boyfriends have actually cheated on me, because I can’t recall any of them outright admitting such indiscretions or inadvertently leaving a hot trail for me to find. (I do, however, still have my suspicions that the guy who I dated for a year right after college cheated on me with a woman who became his next girlfriend and to whom he’s now married.)
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably rolled your eyes when you overheard a well-meaning Afro-hippie offer his or her unsolicited advice to a woman scorned. (“Queen, hold your head up–you’re too good for him.”) So, the only New Age-y mantra that I will conjure is this: Like Miguel Ruiz said in The Four Agreements, “Don’t take it personally.”
When and if I’m the victim of someone else’s infidelity, this is the refrain that I’ll repeat to myself over and over again: “His cheating has nothing to do with me, his cheating has nothing to do with me, his cheating has nothing to do with me…”
Having been the other woman, I’ve heard men’s numerous sob stories about a frigid bedmate who clings to the furthest side of the mattress or a spouse who never leaves the office. But guess what? I don’t buy any of ‘em. And neither should you if you’re the co-star in said sob story. I don’t care what he or anyone else says. “My wife won’t have sex with me” and “My wife works too much” are not closing arguments in cases of infidelity. They’re not clinchers. They’re valid complaints, yes, but they don’t unquestionably decide the matter of who’s to blame.
If, somewhere down the line, I discover that a guy I’m now dating has started running around town with a bunch of side chicks, I can’t say that I’d automatically and categorically blast him as the one and only villain. But I hope to God that I wouldn’t assign sole villain status to myself either.
Besides, what is it about being cheated on that can push us over the edge and hurtling toward self-destruction? Is it our anger toward our unfaithful partner? The self-blame toward ourselves? A combination of both? From what I know about being the other woman, cheaters come in all shapes and sizes, but they rarely, if ever, cheat because of the steady partner who’s in the picture. But maybe if we accepted that cheating has nothing to do with the person who’s being cheated on, we might react differently to it. Not necessarily turning a blind eye or refusing to care, but not pointing a finger at ourselves or the other woman.
Having not sought atonement for my prior infidelities, I find it impossible to not be vigilant about the karmic likelihood that I’ll end up a female cuckold. And I’ll keep the four women mentioned above in mind when I do. I’ll try my damndest to remain appropriately responsive and vigilant. I won’t turn a blind eye, but I won’t poke out my own eyes, or anyone else’s for that matter.