All Articles Tagged "infidelity"
I often find myself turning on the TV during one of my middle of the night feedings with my son. The other night, the movie I caught myself watching as I nursed my baby back to sleep was Sex and the City 2. Being a fan of the series and first film, I had no problem watching this movie again…again. If you haven’t seen it though, there is a scene where Carrie, the married lead, kisses her ex-boyfriend Aiden while on vacation with her girls. She agonizes over whether or not she should tell her husband Big, and eventually confesses to her indiscretion. He was upset and disappointed for sure, but he forgave her. After all, it was just a kiss…right?
But is a kiss ever “just” a kiss when you’re in a committed relationship? Being a married woman myself, I have to admit that if I discovered that my husband had kissed another woman – especially an ex – it would be hard for me to get over it right away. Of course it would depend on the circumstances surrounding the kiss, but no one ever wants to learn that their spouse or significant other is out there locking lips with someone else.
So under what conditions would I forgive him? Well, there’s the “I was drunk” excuse. My husband doesn’t drink, so it would be hard for him to use that one. But for others, a drunken kiss with a stranger at a bar or a club might get him the side eye, but it’s definitely an forgivable scenario…I guess. Or if some random drunk chick came up to my man and sucked his face unsuspectingly and he couldn’t get away, then sure…not his fault. I can get over that.
However it’s the emotional kiss I’m concerned about. Most men, that I know anyway, consider kissing a very intimate act. Some men can even have sex with a woman without so much as even facing her, let alone kissing her during the act. Therefore if I were to find out that my husband had passionately kissed another woman he had an emotional connection with, THAT would be cause for concern. Yes, I’d consider that cheating.
Cheating, to me, is any type of betrayal that occurs within the relationship. While sex can be viewed as an obvious infidelity for most people, kissing is a grey area that can still leave a person questioning their relationship. I’d wonder how close they were and what emotions were attached to the kiss. And I’d also think that a kiss could…and probably would…lead to other things. I suppose if my husband ADMITTED to the kiss, I’d be happy that he (hopefully) stopped it at the kiss before it went any further. However, if I somehow found out, I think I’d be just as upset as I would be if I found out he had sex with another woman. The emotional betrayal would be the same in my eyes.
At the end of the day, everyone has their own threshold for what they can and cannot tolerate and forgiven in a relationship. Some women consider their man flirting with another woman as cheating while others don’t bat an eyelash at it. Some women can forgive a man who has had sex with another woman. And then there’s the nebulous kiss.
Would I kick my man out if he gave a co-worker or an acquaintance a peck on the cheek? No. But if I find out he’s been slobbing down his ex, or the co-worker he spends too much time with, then we will definitely have a problem. Sex with someone else is a deal breaker. But a kiss – it can signal a deep, passionate, emotional connection…or it can mean absolutely nothing. I hope to never have to discern which is which with my husband, but you tell me – is kissing cheating…and if so, would you forgive him?
By YourTango, As told to Maureen Dempsey
What happens when your boyfriend is gay, and you’re part of his in-the-closet plan?
Mike and I met our sophomore year in college. We quickly became friends and stayed within a tight social circle for the remainder of undergrad years. I think I always had a crush on him, but he was dating someone, then I was. We never made the connection but he was always a constant in my life.
As we wrapped senior year on the East Coast and I tried to figure out next steps, I was definitely influenced by his decision to attend grad school in California. He and our buddy Ryan were off to medical school—but I didn’t want to lose my closest friends. Since I didn’t have anything planned yet, when they suggested I head across the country with them and start a new, post-college life, I accepted.
And new it was: Mike and I began dating. This is what I had wanted ever since we first met four years prior. I wanted so badly to make it work. Dating Mike was eerily similar to being friends with Mike, but with slightly more physical contact. And I mean slightly more. Maybe it’s just because we know each other well, I thought. Maybe this is what it’s like to date a close friend.
And as time passed, we settled into a comfortable relationship. We had sex on a regular, if infrequent, basis, but with time doesn’t romance fizzle for everyone? We also had the inconvenience of roommates: Mike lived with Ryan, and I had two of my own. Finding privacy was like an Olympic event. We chased it, but we rarely found it. Most of our time was spent eating out, watching movies, or hanging out with friends.
Things were going well with Mike; we rarely fought. It was Mike and Ryan that seemed to be doing more of the arguing lately. Ryan had recently come out as gay and was dating a fellow med student. Tensions had risen in the apartment since Ryan’s lifestyle announcement, and I couldn’t help but wonder if Mike was homophobic.
One day I arrived at Mike’s apartment to find Mike and Ryan in a screaming match. When I interrupted, Mike wanted to end the conversation but Ryan continued to egg Mike on, asking him to “let her know what’s really going on.” After half-an-hour of calming Mike down, he finally explained: He and Ryan were lovers. The two of them had been secretly dating since our freshman year of college and dating women to cover it up.
Have you ever felt like you were a a man’s “beard” or date a man who came out of the closet during your relationship? Visit YourTango to read how this woman cut herself off from a life of dishonesty.
By Monica Bielanko, From YourTango
Before you think anything about anything let me just say this: I know. I know it’s not the best thing in the world to be dating a guy twice your age. Especially when he’s married and you work for his wife. I KNOW. Cut me a little slack though wouldja?
I was brand new to Salt Lake City. I’d finally escaped the Mormon bubble and was puffed with pride over my bona fide college student status. I answered an ad in the classifieds and nabbed employment as a nanny (rich folk term for babysitter) of a cherubic-faced 2-year-old.
Her father, Ryan, was definitely older. 40 to my 19. He was also definitely married. With children. It began innocently enough. After babysitting for the family for a few months, Ryan approached me with an offer. He owned a company and was in need of a “file girl,” who could hang around the office for a couple of hours every afternoon. Ryan agreed to pay me under the table and I accepted. I could babysit my beloved 2-year-old in the morning, attend college classes in the afternoon, then head to the office.
But I was young. I never thought a man as old as my dad would be interested in me. So the night Ryan let his hand linger on my arm after walking me to my car left me reeling.
I drove home with a pack of rabid butterflies banging around my stomach. I debated what Ryan meant with the lingering hand. Was it intentional? Maybe he didn’t realize he’d done it. After a restless night of sleep, I wrote off the lengthy squeeze as the imaginations of a goofy teenager with a crush.
Read more about this affair at YourTango.com
Beyonce has insinuated that Jay Z has a wandering eye in her lyrics before. See it all in GIFs!
Beyonce recently hinted that Jay Z cheated on her when she altered the lyrics to her 2008 track “Resentment” live on the power couple’s “On the Run” tour.
Hov nor Bey have commented on the allegations, but Jay’s flirtations with designer Rachel Roy — and to some extent even supermodel Naomi Campbell, according to recent rumors — are said to be behind the infamous elevator brawl with Solange.
However, the now-viral “Resentment” change aren’t the only hints Queen Bey drops that Jay Z may be less than faithful to her. Which means Jay Z, who didn’t pass the bar but knows a lil’ bit, may be dumber than we thought.
To reiterate: Jay Z is married to Beyonce and possibly cheated on Beyonce. On Beyonce. No one cheats on Beyonce because you cannot physically, emotionally, mentally nor spiritually upgrade from Beyonce.
Someone, please. Shake some sense into Jigga Man before Bey realizes she’s an Independent Woman and leaves his ass.
Take a look at Bey possibly putting Jay on blast (and her funny faces) on Your Tango.
If you’re a J. Cole fan you may have caught the surprise ending of his video for the single, “She Knows”. I won’t give it away if you want to check it out, but the moral of the story is if you’re going to cheat, try not to be messy about it. It always amazes me how people will cheat so egregiously and then have the nerve to act surprised. It’s all fun and games getting it on with your side piece in the same bed you sleep with your partner in until you’re staring at hidden camera footage with the host of Cheaters.
In this digital day of screen caps and Catfish, it’s becoming harder and harder to get your creep on and what’s even worse is that children are increasingly more technologically savvy than their parents meaning that all too often they become aware of a parents’ infidelity before their spouse even does. I had a friend who discovered her dad was cheating on her mom just because he didn’t know what the “Trash” folder was for. In my opinion, this is the worst kind of secret you could ever place your child in a position to have to keep. It’s right up there with the “bad touch/this is something special between me and you” betrayal. And although some may think I’m being pretty harsh with that comparison, I believe it’s ultimately disrespectful to a child when you force them to deal with adult feelings and make mature decisions before they are prepared for them.
Relationships are complicated enough for children. There are some adults who can’t even make sense of their feelings, so to ask a child or even a young teenager to make sense of complicated emotions like love vs. lust and “growing apart” can be an unrealistic expectation.
J. Cole may be relieving some trauma from his child in the “She Knows” video. The lyrics in his song “Never Told” reveal that he was forced to keep quiet about his own father’s infidelity:
“Could it be cause my father let me know
That he cheated, and somehow I never told
I never told
Hey, you wanna be a man?
Yeah I wanna be a man.
A man don’t run tellin’ mama everything he see.
I ain’t gonna tell.
Alright then man. You’re a man now.
When a child witnesses a parent being unfaithful it sends the indirect message that you don’t respect their mother or father. On top of that, you place a child in the painful of position of choosing to be honest and hurt one parent or protect their bond with the other one. It compromises all the values that parents are supposed to want to teach their children like respect, honesty and integrity. People make mistakes, parents or not, but that doesn’t mean your children should be traumatized because of your carelessness.
If a child chooses to reveal to a parent what they have witnessed, the reaction of the parent could have a serious effect on how honest that child chooses to be in the future. If the parent believes them, the child may feel like they are partially to blame for their parents’ breakup. But if that parent doesn’t validate that child’s feeling or flat out tells them they are wrong, they may never feel free to talk openly again. So often what children say is invalidated or not taken seriously. Especially when it comes to the painful truth, so many parents are quick to discredit their children if it means they can spare their own feelings.
I won’t get into a lecture about avoiding infidelity, but I will say if you are going to cheat, make an effort to protect the ones you love, especially your children. And if they do catch you cheating, don’t ask them to keep it on the low to protect your own ass. Being an adult is all about accepting your flaws and taking the burden off your child to be the bearer of bad news. Once your child catches you cheating it’s time to come clean to your partner and explain to your child the best way possible how you and their mother/father will proceed and take ownership of the part you played in the deception. Cheating is not only disrespectful to your partner, but being careless about it is also disrespectful to your child.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
You know what they say. Art imitates life and we all know the best inspiration for love songs is love stories both good and bad. And as much as we love a happy love song, the messy ones tend to catch our attention even more. So let’s jump in shall we.
In most troubled relationships, couples know when the end is near. It’s rare that someone is blindsided because there are usually signs when something is off. If it’s a long-term relationship, it may take a couple a long time to actually end the relationship even if they know it’s on its last leg – maybe holding on to the hope that something can be done to revive it. It’s usually pretty obvious when one or both people have fallen out of love, but there are some people who are not sure why they’re staying and have fallen out of love and maybe don’t even know it. If you’re not sure if you are no longer in love, or if your partner no longer is, here are some signs that’ll let you know the feeling is gone.
If you watch “For Better Or Worse” on OWN you know that Tasha Smith’s character Angela can be a bit…abrasive in her approach to relationship drama. If you’ve followed her character since her Why Did I Get Married? days, you’ve seen her cuss, fuss and light Marcus’ ish on fire like some Angela Bassett in Waiting To Exhale type of stuff.
All of her antics lead many people to wonder if the real Tasha Smith is anything like her character. And recently in an interview with theGrio, Tasha Smith offers relationship advice, telling women it wouldn’t hurt them to shut the hell up sometimes, to focus on the positive instead of always dwelling on the negative and don’t beat dudes over the head with the Bible.
But most interestingly, she told women that if a man cheats, just once, and a woman is able to find forgiveness in her heart, she shouldn’t throw the whole relationship away.
“Look I feel like this. No person is perfect. I haven’t, thank God, had any infidelity issues. But you can’t say what you won’t ever do. And you can’t say that you won’t have forgiveness in your heart if there were to be an issue like that. After a certain amount of time that you have established your relationship with your mate, if there is a mistake that’s made and if it’s something….if there is true repentance in that mistake and true change and it’s not going to be an ongoing problem, I feel like, listen ladies, don’t give up your marriage or your relationship over one piece of booty.”
Watch the full interview in the video below and let us know what you think? Can you forgive a man if he cheats just once? Or are you of the mind that once a cheater always a cheater? Do you think she’s giving men license to cheat?
I can yell until I’m blue in the face that the ‘other woman’ is not the problem in your marriage.
I can also scream until I turn red, that the nagging and lackadaisical wife is not the problem neither.
I wrote about my personal perspective before that the only fault in a cheating relationship is the actual cheater. However, most of y’all ain’t trying to hear me and insist on pointing the finger at either the main chick, for not playing her part or the side chick, for doing too much. Perhaps, it has something to do with all the empirical data, which suggests that women much rather hear things from men? However since I am an eternal optimist, I am going to try again to save some of you hoes. And this time, I brought your pastor.
According to All Christian News:
“Andy Thompson, Pastor of the World Overcomers Christian Church, Durham, North Carolina has landed in hot water recently over something he posted on Twitter. He reportedly told women, that if they did not want their man or husband to look at other women, they should themselves shine more and not let the “hoes” or whores beat them to their man.
The untactful tweet was placed by Thompson on April Fool’s day this year and many believe that it may have been his attempt at a practical joke or “April fool.” However, others are not so forgiving for his tasteless attempt at humor, if it was that, one of them is Taurean Brown, writer, speaker, activist and poet on the blog blacksankofa”
According to All Christian News, the actual tweet said, “Ladies if you want to be the only woman your man looks at Shine it Up! Don’t let the Hoes he comes across outshine you! #SaveMarriage”
Naturally, some of the hoes…I mean, women in his congregation (as well as on Twitter) didn’t take too kindly to Thompson’s pastoral advice, particularly the use of the word “ho” to describe women, who exist outside of this hypothetical marriage, which by definition, is just about everyone not married to this winner. Eventually, the pastor allegedly apologized in a YouTube video, for using the term saying that his aim was only to help women. But as All Christian News reports, the apology was peppered with a defense that he was “being misunderstood.”
Well, you know what they say about difficulty levels of pimping…
Seriously though, I am really sick of men setting up these wives, aka main chick, versus single women, aka side piece, paradigms. And I am especially tired of women being silly enough to keep falling for it. Because I know that as much as I am disgusted by this Pastor’s marriage counseling, there are some of you on the other side of the computer screen, talking about, “what’s wrong with that? Some women are hoes.”
Some women are paid for sex, this is true. However, just because your husband/partner/significant other has a wandering eye, it does not make every object of his affection “a ho.” What it does make her, is attractive enough to grab your husband’s attention and a woman who got caught up with some bad D – just like you did.
Our inability to recognize the messiness of the man in the middle is exactly why the male prerogative exists and flourishes. And it is also why the term “mistress” has many adjectives; most of them not nice. However there is no universal term for men, who are being exploited on the side for sex (or whatever other creature comforts). And why not? It’s not like women don’t cheat. Statistically speaking, women cheat just as much. However, the idea of women having side pieces is not socially acceptable and in some instances, as in the case of our dear Pastor Thompson, encouraged only when the cheater is male. And it is encouraged to the point that these men in the middle can deflect his own fault for his sexual transgressions, by placing all the burden of maintaining the virtues of his peter elsewhere. First at the hemlines of the hos for being free-to-mingle. And second onto apron strings of the devoted wife and maybe mother, for not being a ho.
Regardless of the title, women are still only defined by their relationship status. #TeamHomewrecker. #TeamWifeAndMom. Never are we just women. I often wonder what would happen if we start segregating men and their relationship values into categories, based upon how well they can continuously wine, dine and woo us with expensive trinkets. I mean traditional values also say that women like security. What if I had tweeted out something like: “Fellas, if you want to be the only man your wife looks at, MAKE THEM POCKETS DEEPER. Don’t let all those sugar daddies she comes across outspend you! #SaveMarriages.”
Yeah, I imagine my mentions would be filled with another favorite label we like to put on self-determining women: gold diggers.
I can’t wait for the day when women band together like a girl power version of Power Rangers Super MegaForce and defeat this tired, as well as jaded, belief system, which treats supposed grown men as helpless innocents, unable to control their sexual urges and where they put their penises due to the hands of feminine sorcery. I prefer to think more highly of men and their abilities to act more thoughtful than that. Besides, I also know that there are no witches among us.
‘He Acted Like A Single Man:’ Mother Of Swizz Beatz’s Daughter, Jahna Sebastian, Offers Clarity On Their Affair
A few weeks ago we told you about London-based recording artist and mother to Kaseem “Swizz Beatz” Dean’s daughter, Jahna Sebastian. In a telling interview, Jahna argued that her daughter, Nicole, was not the reason for Swizz’s split from Mashonda because she made sure that she did not reveal that she’d given birth to Swizz’s child until after the troubled couple announced their divorce. Since our initial report, many of you still had questions regarding the logic behind Jahna’s decision, what prompted her to even sleep with a married man and how she can say that things are “all good” with the producer’s now-ex-wife. We were recently given the opportunity to chat with Jahna, who offered answers to some of your burning questions.
“I don’t want to be associated with those women who look out for a rich man, a baller or any other successful man to help them have an easy ride in life,” the singer/songwriter told me. “That behavior is totally the opposite of who I am and what I represent, I have always chosen to get what I want through hard work myself, even though there have always been great men around. I have always relied on myself. I work hard for my career and my child.”
Unlike the way it is now, the single mother explained that her former lover’s personal life was nowhere near as publicized as it now at the time of their relationship. In fact, Jahna says that his personal life was so under the radar in the UK, that she had no idea he was even married.
“I was not aware of him being married at the time, I thought he was single like myself and he acted like a single man,” the “I Am Free” singer explained. “He was not that well-known here anyway at that time, his private life was nowhere near as publicized in 2007 as it is now.”
“I don’t really follow other musicians lives anyway. I saw this as a meeting of equals,” she resolved before revealing that their affair had taken place prior to her learning of his marital status. “I found out that he was married after things had already happened, but it was too late.”
Shortly after this major revelation, Kaseem returned to the States and Jahna received more shocking news.
“He left to US and I was absolutely shocked to learn a few weeks later that I was pregnant as I did not plan to have children until the age of thirty and definitely not to be a single mother in a situation like that. Career, marriage, then children – in that particular order – was my plan. When things happen not as you planned, the only explanation to that is fate. A child is a blessing regardless.”
On top of learning that she would be bringing a child into the world alone, the Russian refugee was detained during her pregnancy due to immigration issues. However, instead of reaching out to Kaseem for help, she went through the process alone out of her refusal to destroy his marriage.
“When I was unlawfully detained for two months by a major mistake of the Home Office while being pregnant with Nicole, I came out of it without her father’s help or even child support at the time even though I knew from the start who the father was. If I made claims at that time, it would have created a scandal all over the place and caused the divorce, so I chose the hard way. I dealt with all my immigration problems which were actually Nicole’s as well since she could only stay in UK as my dependent, without bothering Swizz or anyone on the other side with lawsuits.”
“I wrote to every person in UK I could think of instead of sending lawyers to Swizz and destroying his marriage. I chose to go without child support for two years and the help of someone who could have easily resolved the situation with his connections.”
“My immigration case was publicized at the time but there wasn’t even one mention of his name, although with that situation it could have made even bigger headlines, but I had to save my child from becoming possible reason of the divorce. I clearly imagined how it would hurt to be in a position of a wife learning that her husband went and had a baby on the side, and so I stayed away from this.”