All Articles Tagged "infidelity"
My godsister Aali met Bryson at work. Fresh out of graduate school, she was ready for a monogamous relationship that would eventually lead her down the aisle. Bryson was her perfect match– educated, financially stable, and he loved the Lord — or so he said. As we would catch up at her family’s Sunday dinners, she would gush about how funny he was. Aali even shared juicy tid-bits of them trading the not-so-innocent texts during the workday to keep their passion going. After they consummated their relationship, she knew for sure he was not the one. As she began to list off all the bullet point reasons of why she could never be with him, she seemed to leave off one. The real reason the two couldn’t be together was because he was already engaged to another woman and had a child — and Aali knew this information prior to the beginning of their “relationship.”
To comfort Aali about his fiancée, when Bryson initially met her, he told her their relationship was on the rocks and they’d somehow lost the love that brought them together. Aali believed him and began to enjoy the attention he gave her. The sex, dinners, and gifts were refreshing but his words of affirmation sold her on their romance. Despite sending him home to his fiancée with back scratches and hickies, she grew tired of his suspect behavior. Bryson would often go on vacation by himself and his social media pages were filled with bowtie selfies — no mention of a child or partner. His “I love you” texts and late night phone calls were consistent, but the gnawing feeling of being the other woman began to weigh on Aali.
“I’m not gold-digging for his money but for his feelings,” Aali said. One hour-long conversation got to the meat of her complex, yet enduring relationship. Unlike the men she had dated before, Bryson not only looked good on paper, he told Aali what she needed to hear. He (seemingly) made himself emotionally available for her to unload her 20-something troubles and he never forgot to tell her how beautiful she was. Somehow, through his affair, he appeared to help Aali through her self-hate issues. I never supported Aali’s relationship with Bryson for moral and personal reasons, but oddly enough I could see he was her saving grace — in a sense.
When Bryson ended their relationship, he told her what she needed to work on. Like a therapist, he suggested she accept how a man feels for her without asking 21 questions. (That’s likely not easy to do when said man has a family on the side.) He also, ironically, told her she needed to work on her self-esteem. Despite all the angry rebuttals I had for his self-righteousness, he was right. Aali never believed she was enough, until now. No matter the date, season, or number of heart-to-heart conversations Aali had with her friends, we could never convince her of her own worth. Bryson became an unlikely sponsor of emotional gain for Aali. Although it was for all the wrong reasons, he brought her to an “ah-ha” moment: she deserved more and she could get it. Though some may judge Aali for her behavior, I have learned it is always the unlikely relationship that pushes forth a rebirth that will direct us to a better life and man.
Occasionally, friendships can be very tricky to maneuver, but anything worth having is worth the extra effort, right? It seems that for longevity in a friendship is not just based on proximity (I’m still great friends with people who have moved to South Africa, and hours away from my current location), the recipe is simply communication. Instead of sitting and simmering when your friend upsets you, you should address it. Friendships end more often due to unspoken words, or worse, words spoken from repressed anger. It seems as though if people would just talk, and be open with each other, then there’s nothing that a friendship wouldn’t be able to survive.
But let me ask you something, readers, if your friend falsely accused you of something horrible, could you forgive them? I ask this because occasionally I’ll watch a DVR’d episode of Maury with my mother (guilty pleasure, don’t judge me), and there will be cases where a woman (and sometimes a man) will accuse their significant other and best friend of sleeping with each other. Sometimes it turns out to be true, and sometimes the friend is an innocent bystander that got unfairly drug into a dysfunctional relationship’s baggage.
Now in my bizarre journey through life, this is something that I’ve never encountered. But I always wondered, would I be able to forgive a friend that would think so lowly of me and how I take our friendship?
In normal life, we don’t have access to a lie detector test, or free DNA testing. All we have is our word, and the knowledge that what’s done in darkness will come to light. So, you wait and hope that your innocence can be illuminated. But after the dust settles, would you want that platonic “old thang” back?
I believe that most things can be salvaged by communication and introspection, and with a situation like this, these are the things that are worth considering.
Why would she even accuse me?
Relationships, particularly dysfunctional ones, can become a power struggle. Sometimes, in moments of maintaining control, one partner might start planting seeds in your friend about you. Maybe (s)he begins complimenting you to your friend, or even using downgrading language to her about why she can’t be more like you. There could even be times that your mate’s partner will make their attraction to you known to him/her. Sometimes it’s because they want to infuse jealousy in your partner, sometimes they want to begin to break close ties to isolate them, and sometimes it’s both. But your friend could be a victim of manipulation that causes them to question you, instead of looking at the person who’s pointing fingers.
Did I do something to warrant this accusation?
I am very pro-be-yourself, but at the same time, things should be pulled back when it comes to someone’s relationship. Sure you noticed that your friend’s mate has been going to the gym. A simple compliment shouldn’t be a big deal, but gushing over “how great” the mate looks, might have your friend giving you the side-eye. So is trying to be their partner in a group game (Spades, anyone?), or maintaining inappropriate communication with their mate. (Kenya, anyone?)
If you are a naturally flirty person, there are times, places, and people to do that with, and your friend’s mate is not one of them. No matter how harmless you feel like it is, or how your friendship should know that that’s just how you are, you should also respect your friend enough to not make them begin to question your behavior.
Where do we go from here?
Personally, I would be impressed if after a person was able to prove their innocence, a friendship could go back as if nothing ever happened. If you’ve been able to do this, please share your story, so that we may bask in your friendship’s overwhelming maturity. But for others, that accusation just entered their union into an uncomfortable territory that might be hard to get back out of. Once the smoke settles, and you’re looking at each other awkwardly, what are your next steps?
Communication. Find out what was going on in your friend’s head to even make him/her consider you as a possible homewrecker. Sometimes when people are too in their own minds, and don’t allow themselves to have an outlet or sounding board, minute things begin to magnify to them. Have an open conversation and try to get to the bottom of what fueled the whole thing.
But, at the end of the day, it’s all up to you if you decide that keeping this friendship is worth it. Friendships are definitely worth having, but so is your own peace of mind.
So tell me, dear readers, how would you handle a situation like this? If you have, how did you deal with it?
Kendra Koger can be caught occasionally watching Maury, and occasionally on twitter @kkoger.
As a woman, who has been cheated on, my innate response to the love triangle was to hate Peter and everything he stood for. How dare he treat Tara that way and I cursed his and Amina’s name. I was expecting the worse from him and anticipating our interview all at the same time.
When Peter arrived to the office, I was expecting an entourage, security maybe and at least a few flashy pieces of jewelry to reiterate to the world that he is famous…again. Instead Gunz, dressed humbly in a jacket and book bag walked in, telling us a story about his train ride. A high school girl had cursed him out for all the things I too wanted to scold him for. He laughed about it and greeted us all like he’s never sold a record, let alone platinum single, in his life.
Peter was surprisingly pleasant. I guess I was expecting his personality and demeanor to reflect a lying, cheating a**hole, but it didn’t. However, that didn’t change my mind–he did what he did and I was going to grill him for it.
During our 30-minute sit down, Peter revealed that his father too had multiple girlfriends and because of that, he never thought his situation was abnormal until he watched it on TV. And that’s when he stared into his lap and admitted, he needs help.
Read more at HelloBeautiful.com
When Love & Hip Hop made its season four debut last week, many questioned why new cast member, Peter Gunz, would take the Stevie J route and agree to appear on a reality show, knowing good and well that he was cheating on his child’s mother, Tara Wallace. Many speculated that it was all about the money. It looks like they were correct.
During a recent interview with Sway in the Morning, the Bronx native confessed that he signed on to do the show because his finances were in shambles and he knew that he would eventually get busted for cheating anyway.
“Sh** was gonna blow up anyway,” he reasoned. “I was going to get busted. Why not get paid to get busted? I’m f**ked up out here. Last time I went to the ATM, that sh** told me to get the f**k outta here. I had one hit… when they called me about the show, I was 3 months behind the rent,” he admitted.
As for his cheating ways, he says that he has always had issues with being faithful.
“When you’re up to no good, and you have a beautiful, smart woman like I have Tara. Absolutely the right thing to do is to break up with the one you’re with and move on,” he said.
“I can absolutely tell you I have no complaints about Tara. She’s dope! It’s me. It’s my bullsh**. I’ve never been in a relationship where it was the woman’s fault. I’ve always had a problem being loyal.”
I mean, I guess it’s a good thing that he found a way to pay his rent, but to intentionally sell out and embarrass the woman you love on national television for a check? That doesn’t sound like love.
Does any of this surprise you?
Watch Peter’s full interview on the next page.
I returned from a J. Cole concert a few weeks ago to a very pouty-looking fiancé whom I later found out was offended by my love and appreciation for J. Cole and Drake. My stanning is no secret and I think those are two of the sexiest men on the planet. However, not once did I ever think of my fantasizing as a problem. It got me thinking about the gray areas of infidelity and what different people consider cheating. We all like to think that once we’ve found the one our faithfulness will be unbreakable, but how do you define your fidelity and at what point do you begin to question its strength?
If I’m completely honest, I can’t tell you what I’d do if, in the words of Elle Varner, I got light-skinned Jermaine in a sound proof room, but I would hate to think that my fidelity is really balanced on the improbability of a fantasy. What about those couples who give their partners a fantasy pass or a hall pass, because after all, how often is the chance to have sex with a celebrity crush going to happen? And before the rebuttals start flying back as women confidently claim, “I love my babe. No other man, celebrity or not, could change that,” let’s just be clear that I am strictly talking about sex, not love. I mean, most people would consider either cheating, but being simply sexually attracted to someone else is way different than wanting to be in a relationship with them. And how many women claiming that they would never sink to be a groupie (even if only for a night) have pictured Morris Chestnut on top of them when in reality they’re in bed with their boyfriend? We all fantasize, but does daydreaming mean we’re incapable of being monogamous?
Sex-therapist, Dr. David Schnarch, suggests that nothing is wrong with “partner-replacement fantasy” until the fantasy starts replacing your actual sex life. So if you’re telling your man you don’t want to be touched because you’d rather watch How Stella Got Her Groove Back for the umpteenth time, you may have more of a problem with your partner than you think. Fantasy allows people, especially in long-term relationships, to temporarily ignore the predictability that can come with truly knowing their partner. So if for 10 minutes you can imagine Morris Chestunt as se*y, sophisticated, smart and romantic, there’s no harm in that, right?
“As I get older my experiences have taught me that life is a lot grayer than I thought. It’s easy to be less judgmental when you realize that,” I told a friend the other day. There are no right answers for every relationship. All two people can do is find what works well for the two of them. That means that cheating has to be defined by the people in that relationship from the beginning: One man’s kiss is another man’s intercourse.
I don’t think anyone is 100 percent monogamous. I like to believe that fidelity, much like sexuality, can be measured on a scale from Chris Rock’s character in I Think I Love My Wife to Diane Lane in Unfaithful. If my experience being in a long-term relationship has taught me anything it’s that we all flirt, we all fantasize, we all have urges to have sex with someone else from time to time, but it doesn’t mean we’re all a Cheaters episode waiting to happen. On the flip side, just because you’re not getting it popping on the regular with someone other than your partner doesn’t mean you’re completely innocent either.
When it comes to monogamy, I’m pretty open-minded; I don’t consider it cheating unless you’re doing something you know damn well you should only be doing with your partner. If you’re feeling guilty, that’s a pretty good sign. Fantasizing can even be a healthy way to re-ignite the attraction to your partner, as long as it stays inside your head and not in your bed.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
My husband of 21 years had an emotional affair with a 24-year-old several years ago. I investigated, they both say that it was just a friendship but they were calling and texting one another several times a day. She also worked conveniently close to my home, which means they saw one another frequently. I feel as though I’ve forgiven him, however, he doesn’t communicate with me concerning our relationship and where it is going. It pisses me off that he had all those conversations with her but can’t communicate with me. I don’t know how to get past this or how to get him to be open and honest with me about us. Help!
Read Dr. Sherry’s response at Essence.com
Usually when problems arise, couples seek counseling from a professional, but in recent times social media has become the mediator to solve relationship problems. Just recently, a cheating husband was able to earn back his wife by posting a note on his timeline admitting his infidelity. Elev8 Magazine reports Ivan Lewis begged his estranged wife Sonya Gore to reestablish their relationship after she found out he committed adultery during the first 10 months of their marriage. Instead, Gore asked him to move out of their home. After many failed attempts to get her back, Gore told Lewis she would reconsider their relationship if he posted a public message stating how trifling he was during their marriage. Gore wrote the note:
“I cheated on my wife!!! (and she was ugly)”
Lewis posted a picture with himself and the message, telling his friends and followers he must receive 10,000 “likes” before Gore would accept him back.
Prior to the Facebook message, Lewis posted a status stating:
“Well I have cut myself from all bs all of the outside women and meaning less friend dat dnt mean sh!t to me an dat nt for me sorry bt had to get the bs out my life before I ask Sonya Gore to marry me again an she haven’t answer the question I pop to her fb what should I do¿?¿?”
Thanks to his followers, Lewis received nearly 15,000 “likes” and hundreds of people shared his apologetic photo. The highlight of Lewis’s act of making it right with his wife was the feedback the couple received. Despite the supportive “likes” there were followers who believed the couple should not have made their business public. Gore’s rebuttal to the social media action backlash was nonchalant:
“I didn’t think that it was really that serious to some people because it really wasn’t that serious to me. It went everywhere. All over the place. I thought, Oh my god. This is bigger than I thought.”
University of San Diego Professor Jaclyn Cravens who studies social media infidelity claims the reason why people share what happens throughout their relationship is due to the need of feeling validated. Also people communicate through social media as a mean of therapeutic release. Professor Cravens says:
“You’re entitled to feel the way you feel. Your partner cheated on you. You should feel hurt. You should feel angry. You should feel mad. So I think we go on social media and Facebook these days and seek out the likes and if someone likes my status or agrees with me, they hear what I am saying. If you think about what infidelity does to our relationships, it kind of takes away that validation that our partner cares about us and wants to be with us. So if we’re not feeling validated in our primary relationship, we go to social media to seek out that validation.”
Regardless of what followers and sociological research believes, Gore and Lewis do not care what others have to say. The couple is set on enjoying a new beginning in their relationship; Gore says:
“I don’t care about what people thought of him by doing that because he got a lot of slack about it, but it didn’t bother him and I see that as love because he’s not embarrassed at all. I think that’s true love. If it’s true love, you should be embarrassed by it.”
Lewis is preparing to move back into his home with Gore and shared his feelings about his marriage :
“It feels good, man. It feels real good.”
It appears Gore wanted to publicly embarrass her husband to set the record straight, which can be seen as a form of emotional manipulation. Hopefully while people were busy “liking” Lewis’s photo, the couple was rebuilding their trust and communication between one another.
Do you think Lewis’s Facebook post was necessary to save his marriage?
‘Preachers Of LA’ Star Deitrick Haddon Predicts How Fans Will React When They Learn More About His Shocking Divorce
The gospel music world stood still for a moment when gospel recording artist Deitrick Haddon first announced that he and his wife of 15 years, Damita Haddon, quietly divorced and that he was set to marry the mother of his infant daughter. During a recent interview with ESSENCE, the reality star revealed that fans will be offered a bit more insight into that situation and expressed that he believes the public will understand his story.
“Millions of people have gone through that, and I certainly won’t be the last. I think the public will understand it, especially those who have been divorced before. Once someone tells you their story, you have to either respect it or keep it pushing,” the “Well Done” singer said.
He went on to say that he’s not too concerned with negative responses.
“If people have anything negative to say about it, I really don’t have any energy towards that. You have to walk in my shoes in order to understand the decisions that I’ve made.”
As for why he signed on to do the show, he says that he wants to show the world that preachers are men of integrity.
“You can’t live your life according to what has been or what has passed. It’s up to you to redefine the situation. I definitely knew there was a negative history on reality shows. But I knew that this show would kind of change the game because it’s about preachers. Preachers are people who have a certain standard about themselves and they are people of integrity. Especially the guys that were hand picked for this show.”
He also addressed the stance that many Christians have on religious leaders venturing into the world of reality television, which is that the two don’t mix well.
“I’ll say they don’t read their Bible. The Bible is a reality show. You should see the stories about Paul. Before he became Saul, he was a murderer. David was a fornicator. He messed up, but he was still anointed by God. The Bible shows you the truth about every man of God. It shows you everything about them. The Bible is real. I think [reality TV] is the perfect place for Christians.”
Did you check out the first episode of Preachers of LA? What do you think so far?
Q: Is it possible to love your spouse and family, but still constantly need an outside sexual outlet?
A question as old as time, do unfaithful men really love their spouses and family? As usual, it depends, but in most cases, I would say yes. Some would argue that if a man truly loves his wife, then it would be impossible for him to cheat. For a number of reasons, I disagree.
I think we can all agree that cheating, if caught, causes pain to the person you love. However, no one can honestly sit here today and claim they have never hurt someone they loved or that loved them. We hurt people we love all the time—through lying, cheating, or merely failing to live up to their expectations of us. To say you have never hurt someone you love, purposefully or accidently, is disingenuous. The difference between cheating and many other categories that might cause pain for our loved ones is that cheating is one of the few well within our control. Let me state this plainly, in 99.8% of cases, cheating is a conscious choice.
So, how can a man knowingly commit an act he knows will hurt the woman he claims to love?
That’s easy: he is selfish or lacks respect for the relationship. Many have argued on this very site and abroad whether monogamy is natural. I don’t know why this is such a frequent debate. Whether monogamy is natural or not is completely irrelevant. When you agree to be in a committed relationship, you are agreeing to be committed, in a relationship. It is not rocket science. There is nothing to be confused about or debate.
When agreeing to be in a committed relationship, you are saying that regardless of your views on monogamy or commitment, you agree to be faithful to this person. That is, quite literally by definition, what commitment means.
I know many men waiting to “settle down” because they are waiting until that fateful day when they are no longer attracted to more than one woman. When these type of men ask me for advice, I tell them that they will be waiting exactly one day past forever if that is the miracle they need to witness before they settle down with one woman.
To be clear, some men have no problem being faithful to women. Further, not all men will be unfaithful. However, I advise men who are likely to be unfaithful – and they usually know who they are if they are honest with themselves – not to settle down until they can resist their lesser impulses and poor-decision making. For most men, the opportunity to be unfaithful is not a question of if, it is a question of when?
Regardless of age or maturity, if you are a man who cannot resist sleeping with a woman every time the opportunity presents itself, regardless of your relationship status, then you have no business being in a relationship. This, however, is easier said than done.
Contrary to popular belief, men are not much different than women when it comes to commitment. Sure, statistically speaking, men take longer to settle down, but most men will commit to one woman within their lifetime, usually by marriage. Like women, most men do not want to die alone or never find true, meaningful love. Any man who says otherwise is either lying, jaded, or has likely never experienced or witnessed a truly happy relationship (Editor’s Note: This is separate from men’s views on marriage and divorce. For the context of today’s post, I am addressing men’s desire to eventually be with one woman, committed or legally married.)
While we can all agree that cheating is wrong, this is independent of the fact that a man can still love the woman he is cheating on. In fact, it is highly un-likely that he loves the other woman (or man, no judgment) he is cheating with. Unlike many women, many men view their sexual connections as separate from their emotional ones (again, a separate discussion/issue from today’s post). Instead, these types of men are failing to respect their relationship and their family, likely because they are too immature, too selfish or in very, very, very rare cases, addicted to cheating.
Given all that I’ve covered here today, I do believe that a man can love his wife and family but still be unfaithful. To me, loving someone and respecting the constraints of a committed relationship are related, but they are not dependent. Am I excusing cheating? No, please do not make that assumption, because that will only show me you lack reading comprehension. Let me state this plainly and forthright: cheating is wrong. Everyone knows that. But, do I believe a man can inflict heartache – in this instance, through cheating – while still loving his spouse and family?
Yes. Nevertheless, should you stay with an unfaithful man just because he still loves you? Well, that is a question you have to answer for yourself.
Do you believe a man can truly love his wife and family while being unfaithful? Can the promise of love without the promise of commitment ever be enough to sustain a meaningful relationship?
WisdomIsMisery aka WIM uses his background as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM, on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery, and Instagram: WisdomIsMisery.
Craigslist is no stranger to bizarre and oddball ad postings, but this outlandish trend has left us squeamish and disturbed. Pregnant women are selling their positive pregnancy tests online — and they’re making money off buyers who want to hoodwink their boyfriends into proposing, ABC News reports.
“[W]anna get your boyfriend to finally pop the question? Play a trick on mom, dad, or one of your friends?” a Craigslist seller asks. ”I am pregnant and will sell you a positive pregnancy test.” Many ads like this one have been surfacing on the online community; you can buy one ranging from $20 to $40 a pop.
One ad even suggests, according to ABC News, using the positive pregnancy test to scam others into donating money for an abortion, then using it for a vacation.
Some people have expressed how sickened they are by these postings. “Proves your level of desperation. Manipulating 2 B married; worst possible foundation. Until the truth is revealed. Sad when we hear of 1 of 2 marriages divorce,” tweeted Mary Jo Rapini, a relationship expert.
“I can understand extra cash right now would be great, but I wouldn’t want to give my (used test). It’s just ew. I’m sorry, that’s gross,” said Katie Davis, a pregnant woman due to deliver on Friday.
One posting, titled “I need a positive pregnancy test or urine,” involves a woman—dealing with an unfaithful boyfriend—who would love Davis’ pee stick:
I was with my ex for 5 years and 2 children. We had been trying for another and he came home last night and said… his receptionist he got pregnant. He had been cheating for the last 6 mnths. He isn’t sure which one he wants to be with. He text this morning and said just wanted to make sure you start your period this week let me know. I was so shocked I have kicked him and I think I handled it well for what a cheating lying dog he is. I am so done with him an angry and don’t want him back, but would like the last laugh out of this. I will give a girl $40.” [sic]
This ad (and all of its grammatical errors) was taken down shortly, like many other similar postings that have been deleted for its peculiar content. “The ads appear in Chicago, Manhattan, Houston and other cities. Some have been flagged for removal by Craigslist, but new ads that have not been shut down remain,” ABC News said.
Clearly, there’s a market for everything.