All Articles Tagged "infidelity"
It seems as if one of the biggest and most interesting debates has been about the existence of a platonic friendship between a man and a woman. In fact, one of my favorite movie scenes comes from the film When Harry Met Sally…, and it touches on this very topic.
During this scene, Harry Burns, played by Billy Crystal, tells Sally Albright, played by Meg Ryan, that men and women can’t be friends. “Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can… This is an amendment to the earlier rule,” he said.
Every time I see that scene, the same question enters my head, “Can men and women just be friends?” My answer is always yes, of course, depending on the people involved and the situation. Now that I’m married, my thoughts on the matter are the same – I still believe that men and women can have a platonic relationship, even after getting married to other people.
I stumbled upon an article in The Huffington Post by Debra Macleod, couples mediator and author, titled “Why Opposite-Sex Friendships Will Destroy Your Marriage.” The direct and cynical title piqued my curiosity and I found that I disagreed with a few of Macleod’s statements, solely based on my personal experiences.
Macleod wrote that she understood that people have said and continue to say that their relationship with their opposite-sex friends should not change just because they got married. “They will say that only insecure people or weak marriages would shy away from opposite-sex friendships.” Macleod wrote. “In my opinion, this is a self-focused and naïve way of thinking.”
When my husband and I first started dating, we discussed the idea of having friends of the opposite sex, mainly acquiring them after already being in a relationship. We both agreed that there wasn’t a reason to fraternize with new friends (now that we are married, the same logic applies) of a different gender, unless there are special circumstances. For example, I work with majority of men on various projects. Each man has met my husband, and likewise, we’ve met his significant other or wife. In all cases, this has been a conscious effort on all of our parts to ensure that there are no blurred lines in our working relationship.
But Macleod pointed out that that there is a strong correlation between having friends of the opposite sex and indefinitely.
“Not only are opposite-sex friendships within marriage risky, they are a form of betrayal,” Macleod said. When a person gets married or enters into an exclusive committed relationship, that person expects to be his or her partner’s lover, closest and most intimate confidante, and priority.” She mentioned that eventually, the spouse might begin to leave the room to text and even share intimate details about their marriage to that specific friend.
I don’t think that having friends of the opposite sex will automatically lead to infidelity, but if a person is confiding in their friend about marital issues, that’s the beginning of a slippery slope and clearly should never happen.
I believe that maintaining boundaries with your friend, of a different gender, could help you retain that level of respect you should have for your marriage. When it comes to boundaries, I utilize the 9-to-9 rule. I never call or text my male friends between 9 p.m. and 9 a.m. and they adhere to the same. That has been an unspoken rule, and fortunately, the friends that I keep around never have to be reminded of such. The same goes for my husband. I know his women friends very well and actually talk to them more than he does these days.
I would be remiss to say that Macleod’s claims are completely bogus, as we have all seen two friends of the opposite sex “hook up” or eventually enter into a committed relationship. In my opinion, if you don’t want any issues in your marriage, be smart about who you let in and keep in your life. If there are any signs that your friend is disrespecting your relationship, cut it off. No friendship is worth ruining your lifelong commitment.
Being cheated on is an experience that really tests your strength of character. For some people, it builds their resolve; for others it’s such a traumatic and painful experience that it can warp your perspective of everything else in life. Usually, when we think of traumatic experiences, we think of things that happen in our childhood, when we are still easily influenced and developing our ideas on life. But adults are not immune to having their ideas completely shifted by a negative experience. It’s important to know that if you have been cheated on, changes are happening in your brain that could affect the rest of your life. If you stay on top of them and combat them, you can still have happy, healthy relationships. That’s why you need to fight off these 20 toxic thoughts.
Last summer I went on a pub crawl with a friend of a friend for his 30th birthday. The plan was to hit 30 spots (and have a drink at each one) but well before the 30th mark I knew someone had had too much — not because we were drunk and stumbling around, but because the conversation had turned from fun in the streets to broken homes and daddy issues. There, in the midst of my Saturday sangria, I was asked about my relationship with my father as my friend explained she hadn’t spoken to her own dad since she was in high school. The reason: He cheated on her mom and she never forgave him.
Though my friend’s sister had moved past the breakdown of her family unit as she knew it (the girls’ parents divorced), she couldn’t accept what her father had done to her mother and to her family. And so, a decade-and-a-half had gone by without a word spoken between the two.
I thought about that situation again this week as I read an article on Amy Schumer’s memoir, The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo, which was released Tuesday. In the collection of essays, Schumer discusses the breakdown of her relationship with her mother, sharing in this excerpt on PEOPLE how her mother revealed she was having an affair with Schumer’s best friend’s dad:
“One day after school I came home and saw my mother slumped on the couch. She’d clearly been crying hard.” Her mother was a teacher of the deaf, and signed what she was in no shape to say out loud. “I am leaving your father. Lou and I have fallen in love with each other.
“I was a child, new to my teens, and she was treating me like a seasoned psychiatrist,” she wrote.
Like my friend, Schumer was a teen at the time — 13 to be exact — and also similarly, her relationship with her cheating parent hasn’t been the same since. She told USA Today of where things stand with her mother now:
“We love each other and I’m really grateful to her and for her, but we’ll never be how we were. I wrote that family is a constant negotiation so it’s constantly evolving, but we’ll never be close again.”
Considering 22 years have passed since her mother’s revelation, it would reason Schumer is right about the outlook of her strained relationship with her mom. Often, when conversations of infidelity arise concerning parents, people forget the spouse isn’t the only one who was betrayed; children often feel cheated on as well. It’s not just the pain of divorce that brings about those feelings of abandonment and disloyalty, it’s the idea that your mother or father would sacrifice his or her relationship with you and your other parent in favor of this other person. And just as some husbands and wives never get over an ex-spouse cheating on them, neither do a number of kids who’ve witnessed their families torn apart (even if only for a brief time) as a result. What would you do?
Last week, we announced that Iggy Azalea called of her engagement to Nick Young. And while many of us assumed it was a cheating issue—considering Young was on video admitting to his sexcapades— there seems to be more to the story.
According to Life and Style, the “more” is that Young got Keonna Green, the mother of his four-year-old son, pregnant with another child.
A source told Life and Style, “Nick waited until Keonna was four months pregnant to tell Iggy the news. He rationalized his actions saying he was drunk and it represented a lapse in judgment. He said it was a one-night stand and would never happen again.
According to this source, Keonna is pregnant with another son.
This all sounds like hearsay, but Life and Style reports that they approached Keonna themselves and she appeared visibly pregnant. When they asked if the pregnancy was an accident for her and Nick, she said “yes” before immediately responding, “No comment.”
The insider suggested that before the pregnancy, Iggy was willing to ignore all of Nick’s other indiscretions but a baby was too much.
Growing up in the church is one of the most complex lifestyles to understand, much less be a part of. Author Fanitra Brantley takes us behind-the-scenes of the ministry in a most honest book, Sacred Tears. Brantley, a preacher’s daughter who later became first lady of a church, details her triumphs and adversities as it relates to her spiritual journey – having faith, losing faith and regaining faith. The now-divorced empowerment speaker describes her life as a first lady and the pressures that came with it. She writes in detail about the pressure to appear as though her personal life and marriage were perfect when, in fact, she was dealing with infidelity and divorce, as well as the pain and depression that often follows.
In her heart-wrenching new book, Brantley shares her emotional journey not to bash or shame her ex-husband for his shortcomings, but as a cathartic outlet to help her heal the wounds and find peace and closure. Brantley penned this book to help inspire other women, especially mothers, who have also endured extreme heartache from relationships and other setbacks in life. If she can overcome her situation, she wants everyone to know that they can too.
We had a chance to sit and chat with Ms. Brantley about Sacred Tears and the inspirations behind it.
MommyNoire: Fanitra, thank you so much for taking the time for seeking with us today. You were the first lady of the church alongside your now ex-husband. Did you grow up in the church?
Fanitra Brantley: My mother’s father is a pastor and my father’s mother is the lady of the church and she’s been there since the church was established. So I pretty much grew up with the church being the number one focus of my life on both sides of my family. Growing up in the church was difficult for me. I pushed away from it and I really didn’t want to be a part of it.
Why is that?
Because it was being forced and I wanted to find things out on my own. I really wanted to take my time to get to know things because I don’t like people forcing their ideas and beliefs on me. Church was the focus of my life and I felt, at the time, was being forced. We had to be there all the time to do this and that and no one could explain to me why. It wasn’t until I was about 14-years-old and my grandfather preached a sermon on baptism that I fully understood what baptism meant and after learning more about it, I wanted to be baptized. So that’s where my journey in wanting to be a part of the church started.
From what we understand, you were married and became a first lady yourself at a young age. Did you meet your now ex-husband in the church?
I met my ex when I was 17 and, yes, he was a minister at the church. When we met, he was in the Navy and was just stationed in our area and we did meet in church.
And shortly thereafter, you were married and first lady of a church?
Well, shortly after we got married, we got a call from my grandfather and he said there was a church in south Georgia that was in need of a pastor. So we went through the process of being vetted for the position and they chose my husband. We finally opened the doors to that church and it was like doom and gloom because people were sad behind the departure of the last pastor. So we had to rebuild the congregation from the bottom up and it was a challenge because we were both so young at the time. We were 19 and 21 when we got married and only two years into our marriage. We were newlyweds, he was still in the Navy and we just been called into the ministry. It was a lot to take on!
Surely, there was a huge amount of pressure being first lady of the church as such a young age…
It was so hard because, as a pastor and first lady, you have the responsibility of other people’s troubles on your hands. It was a huge amount of pressure but I did have a map or blueprint, if you will, in my grandmother. She was first lady for 31 years and she was my guide in terms of building churches to community service, what to do, what not to do and so on. So, I modeled my approach to being first lady based off of what I learned from my grandmother and grandfather.
So there was a lot of pressure there and I wanted to be just as good as my grandmother, if not better. What I learned, though, is that every church is different, especially when it comes to the rules and regulations of the baptist church and other denominations. So, me being so young as well as new mother, it was a lot.
Was finding a church/life balance a challenge?
When you become pastor and first lady of a church, that’s a marriage within itself. That’s a lot to manage. Members of the church are looking to the pastor as a husband, as a friend, as a life counselor, confidante and so on and I believe that a pastor should know to put his family first. I believe that God ordained the family first before the church and it is an enormous challenge to find the balance between the two. Our mistake was putting the church first in our marriage.
Our whole lives were centered around the church. We could be on vacation and something would happen or someone would pass away and and my husband and myself and kids would have to leave to be at the church for the funeral proceedings. That was his job. There were a lot of birthdays and family occasions that he missed as a result of having to be a there and we, unfortunately, put the church before our family.
In what ways did your marriage suffer as a result?
It wasn’t until we had moved onto our second church that things became different for us. We had gained a great deal of recognition and “fame” and the more we became successful, more problems came along with it. I was of the understanding that this was his calling, his ministry and this is what God called him to do. I never questioned that. On the other hand, I also wasn’t wasn’t checking up on him or following his every move. So, I think this created a lane for things that, in the end, would be hurtful to me.
In your book, you reveal that your husband had a child outside of your marriage. How did that affect you and your position in the church?
Well, I was willing to work it out. That’s why we ended up building a second church. In my mind, we had already been through so much together and we, at that point, had been married for 11 years or so. I really thought that we were going to be able to get over that. I quickly learned this would become a cycle to the drama and to the mess of things that were attached to the situation that was out of my control. I ended up having to get a restraining order against the woman.
Stay tuned for part 2 of this interview.
“I just couldn’t stay—not even if I wanted to,” my ex once told me during one of our hypothetical conversations about what would happen if one of us cheated. “Anytime I look at you, visions of you smashing the next dude would play over and over in my mind. It would be torture.”
He didn’t even have to think about it. Like, not even a little bit. After exchanging stories with my co-workers, I realized that my ex’s reaction is not uncommon. One co-worker shared that when she asked her parents this question, her mother said that it would depend on the situation while her father flat out said that the marriage would be over.
Recently, the women of “The Real” tackled this very subject, and Adrienne Bailon shared why at this point in her life, she would not stay with a cheating partner.
“I don’t have kids, and I’m not married, so I can’t speak honestly about what I would do then, but now, if I was in a relationship with anyone now and they cheated, I absolutely would say ‘Bye.’ I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.”
Bailon went on to explain that most men wouldn’t stay with a cheating woman, and she doesn’t understand why women even consider doing the same.
“You know why I don’t stand for it? And I know this sounds crazy, women, please just hear me out, and men even hear me out. I’m sorry, but how often you do you hear about a woman cheating on a man, and he stays?” she questioned. “If we did the things that they did, they would be out so quick. Why do we always have to have the forgiving hearts?”
Truthfully, she has a point. If you asked ten men and ten women if they would leave their partners if they cheated on them, there’s a good chance that you would get a least a couple of women, if not more, who would tell you that they might stay depending on the circumstances. The men, however, might unanimously agree that they would have to peace out if they caught their lady screwing the milkman. Of course, there are probably some men who might consider staying, but they’re definitely the anomaly.
What do you think? Do you think your man would stay if you cheated? Would you consider staying if he cheated? Let us know in the comments below.
Do husbands need to step up their Mother’s Day game next year?
Mother’s Day is the day where everyone puts in a little extra effort to make mothers feel appreciated for all that they do. But sometimes, families get lazy and get gifts they obviously bought last minute, or they don’t have any real plans for the day.
It’s infuriating! These women spend most of their days being a good wife and mother, so hurt feelings are completely understandable if others don’t take the holiday seriously.
So, what do wives and mothers do when it’s obvious their families don’t care that much? They cheat the next day.
According to Ashley Madison’s reports, last year, their numbers of sign-ups spiked by 442 percent after the holiday, all thanks to women searching online to have an affair. They expect their numbers to spike again by 500 percent this year.
How should men avoid disappointing the hard-working mother of their children? Give them what they want.
Ashley Madison conducted a survey with 10,817 moms and found that 58 percent want to have a romantic evening with their husband, 33 percent want to get away and relax at the spa in the afternoon, and only 9 percent want time alone to relax.
However, their special day looks nothing like this. Instead, they are still stuck with mommy duty!
The survey found 66 percent of moms end up taking care of kids with a planned activity, 21 percent get a card and flowers, and 13 percent get breakfast in bed from their kids … but have to clean afterwards.
Husbands, take notes if you don’t want her stray!
What do you think of these statistics?
With each effort, Beyoncé, the Queen of Slay and Innovation, continues to break the mold. Her concept album Lemonade proves that with each song and its accompanying visuals, which something tells me we’ll be studying and unpacking for quite some time. Lemonade also happens to be the singer’s most personal album to date. Beyoncé opens up about infidelity in her marriage, sings about “Becky with the good hair” and promises her husband “You’re gonna lose your wife,” if he tries “this sh-t again.” Thanks to Lemonade and the real life “Becky” who allegedly outed herself via social media, legions of Beyoncé fans turned against Racheal Ray with a quickness, accusing her of being “Becky.” Oops! I mean Rachel Roy…
Among many things, all of this lemonade got us thinking about songs that speak to love, heartbreak, and cheating. Whether singers have been cheated on or did the cheating themselves, the issue is a common one in all kinds of music. Here are some of the best-known songs that deal with infidelity.
Only the boldest of cheaters would be so callous as to carry out their extramarital affairs in their homes…on the beds they share with their spouses. However, this apparently happens more often than you might think because Spanish inventors have gone as far as to design a mattress smart enough to detect infidelity.
According to Glamour, the bed, called the Smarttress, has a “Lover Detection System” that utilizes 24 sensors to pick up on movement deemed “suspicious.” The mattress can also pick up on when it’s getting action during unusual hours of the day.
“If it detects suspicious activity regarding time of use, frequency, intensity, or speed, it sends a push notification to the terminal with which it is linked,” the Durmet spokesperson, Antonio Muiño, expressed.
According to Muiño, many cheaters in Spain carry out their affairs in their preferred place to get frisky, which is their homes.
“The Spaniards are the most unfaithful in Europe,” he said, adding: “the preferred place to make love for the Spanish is their own house.”
Resorting such measures to catch a cheater seems pretty extreme if you ask me because, honestly, when you know, you know. But if you think having a Smarttress will help you to sleep better at night—both literally and figuratively—go for it.
“If he can cheat, he will cheat.”
This is what I was told by a wealthy man who considered himself “lucky” enough to have both a wife and a girlfriend. He was living a double life in every sense of the word. He assumed that the two women knew of each other, but neither of them wanted to admit it. Admitting their knowledge would force them to deal with the fact that they were accepting blatant disrespect from a man. Of course, the offender didn’t see it like this. In fact, he had a quite convincing explanation (at least to himself). He said with certainty that if a woman dates a man with money and status she should expect to be cheated on, at least once.
Interestingly enough, on a recent episode of NBC’s The Carmichael Show entitled, “Everbody Cheats,” this same type of opinion was shared by the lead character, Jerrod, after the husband of a family friend was caught creeping. As Vulture’s recap of the episode put it:
“Jerrod is more concerned with the financials of Karen’s marriage. He believes that cheating is natural for successful rich people. According to Jerrod, an income of $50,000 to $100,000 — the bracket in which he himself lands — means a man has thought about doing it, but won’t act on those urges. Once a man cracks $100,000, he has definitely cheated.”
I am no relationship expert, but going into a relationship with the expectation of being cheated on sounds like a slap in the face to yourself. It’s like saying, “I’m not good enough for a man to be monogamous with, so I will just accept what I can get because…well…I want a man.”
This thinking sounds self-destructive. However, I am not at all surprised that some men (and women) have bought into this notion: If he can cheat with ease, he will cheat often. And if he’s rolling in dough, he will.
Let’s face it, more women than not prefer a man who is rich and powerful. Not too many women would say, “I want my man to be broke and powerless.” And in a society where status matters and old-fashioned rules are out the door, we don’t really know what people are dealing with behind closed doors to be in certain relationships. People want to be known and have flashy things. And even women who are doing well on their own often want a man who can provide the same, or better.
Usually, the more handsome or financially well off the man is, the easier it is for him to get a woman. If it’s easier for him to get a woman, wouldn’t this also make it easier for him to cheat? The man living a double life that I mentioned above sure thinks so. In fact, he was quick to tell his stories of sexual escapades with women who were keen to be with him because of who he was and what he had. The stories would seem adventurous to other men, but I’m almost positive his wife and girlfriend would find them horrific.
Still, he was quite certain they would never confront him about the “rumors” because he took care of them both, sexually and financially. His words, not mine.
A 2011 study conducted by professors at Tilburg University backs up this sentiment. More than 1,500 professionals were surveyed to examine the relationship between power and infidelity. Results showed that the more power a person had, the more likely he or she was to cheat. Power produced more confidence, in turn making the person even more attractive to others.
“If women want a faithful man,” the wealthy cheater said, “they need to get a broke man who doesn’t have a lot of options.”
Well damn, I thought; but as brash and insensitive as he sounded, I knew that he was probably right in some instances.
Tons of men with money and status are notorious for being put on blast publicly because of their scandalous ways. And many times we see their wives or significant others stand by their sides as if nothing ever happened. Maybe the “nothing” is something they have chalked up as coming with the territory. Could it be par for the course?
While I haven’t yet subscribed to the idea that all men cheat in relationships, I’m not naive enough to pretend that I don’t know that there are a large percentage who do. And while I get what the man said about men with money having more options, is there an expectation for them to cheat? And with that in mind, as a woman looking for a monogamous, healthy relationship, would you be so comfortable dating a wealthy man?