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From YourTango

Knowing the truth can help you get back on the path to healing.

An affair could happen to anyone, from the local politician who gets caught with his pants down to the next-door neighbor who sleeps with her kid’s karate teacher. When people find out about infidelity, they often make all kinds of assumptions about why people are having affairs. Even if someone cheated in your life, you may have thought you understood what affairs are all about.

We live in a hush-hush culture when it comes to infidelity and it’s not so easy to sort fact from fiction, and many of the common beliefs about affairs are wrong. Here are the 10 most common myths and the truth behind the scenes:

1. Most people who cheat are looking for an affair when it happens. In fact, the majority of time, an affair happens to people who aren’t looking for it. This is particularly true in cases in which a partner had had only cheated with one person. Affairs often begin as friendships, which are followed by intimacy, which can then shift into a full-blown tryst.

2. Most people drift from their spouses for someone younger or more attractive. Think of the Arnold Schwarzenegger affair with his housekeeper. While in some cases, the chronically philandering corporate CEO might seek out younger sex mates, typically paramours are no younger, richer or more attractive than spouses.

Read more at YourTango.com 

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Bisexuality, for most, simply means duality: the attraction to both the same sex and the opposite sex –male and female. To some, however, bisexuality is reduced to promiscuity –individuals who are considered so perverse that they don’t exclude either sex from their conquests or attractions. And, that notion is perpetuated by many aspects of the media, predominately television; along with the idea that bisexuality is neither a real identity nor a lifestyle choice, but a way for men to curtain their “true” gay identities, and an opportunity for women to engage in non-emotional sexualized play –and that thought directly correlates to the onset of biphobia in waking generations.

Bisexuality is by no means a new occurrence in nature. Throughout recorded history, various humane societies and the animal kingdom have been documented as having explored bisexuality. Ancient Greece and Ancient Rome are prime examples of civilizations recognized as having bisexual tendencies, and the squid, the Bottlenose dolphin and black swans are just on the short list of animals who like to swim at both ends of the metaphoric pool.

The fact that bisexuality is documented does not dissuade naysayers from objecting and volunteering their opinions on the matter. The gray-middle ground, where bisexuality lies, upsets people because it isn’t black or white. Men who love men are always considered to be gay, and are rarely accepted as being bisexual. If he is seen with a woman after he’s already been perceived as gay, then she’s a “f*g hag” or a “beard,” and he’s jumping back inside the closet. And, this is often the opinion from both gay and straight bystanders, who are waiting for him to finally admit he’s gay or to keep lying to himself, and presumably be on the down-low. This is not the case at all, if a bisexual man happens to marry a woman, he is no more inclined to cheat on his wife than a heterosexual man, or he would his husband. To assume that he would have to live a double life in order to satisfy his urges suggests that people don’t believe that bisexuals are able to maintain healthy and loving relationships without straying.

And, for bisexual women, the problem is entirely different. The assumption is that bisexual encounters between two women only happen when alcohol is involved, or during experimentation. Or, if there is a relationship, then it is just a phase. These women are expected to be having “fun” prior to the presumably superior life of hetero-normality. This, again, is reductive. The assumption not only cheapens the idea of female sexual experiences of women, but it suggests that a same sex relationship involving a bisexual woman is not a lasting one.

The challenge for society is to understand that fluidity in sexuality doesn’t simply occur when a person is drunk or horny (not every bi-person is hetero-flexible or straight-when-sober), it occurs through actualized attractions and personal honesty. Bisexuality can become more accepted if individuals refrain from jumping to conclusions about another person’s sexuality based on who others are dating or having sex with –also being candid and frank about one’s own attractions makes people less bigoted toward other people’s attractions and choices.

I investigate. That’s just what I do. I like to know who and what I’m dealing with. Of course, I’ve heard that you shouldn’t go looking for anything because you will find it. And I believe this to a certain extent; but some things a girl just stumbles upon…and in this case it was something I wanted to know about a potential boo.

No, I didn’t discover that he was married or had a few kids stashed away somewhere. He wasn’t a convicted felon, nor did he have a secret life of being on the down-low. It wasn’t any of these catastrophic details that he failed to mention; it was something so insignificant that I didn’t even know a man would lie about: his age.

Yes, while playing investigator on Google I found out that my guy was two years older than he said he was. Immediately I thought, who does that? I know you’re immediately thinking, what’s the big deal? Sure, it’s only two years, but c’mon, it was only two years, so why lie about it? At that moment, my curiosity turned to anger, and then curiosity again. Seriously, who really does that?

Everything else about him added up for the most part, or at least, my investigation didn’t reveal any other secrets; but this was a bit much for me. I don’t do liars. And lying about something so minor, made it suddenly so major. If he chose to lie about this, what else would he lie about? Who was I really dating?

I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and even asked him a second time what his age was, claiming that I had forgotten what he’d said; but to my dismay, he looked me dead in my face with a straight face and lied again. Immediately I realized either this guy had a serious issue with our age gap or he was a compulsive liar. I chose to think both and decided his lie was a huge red flag.

If he was, in fact, lying about his age, that would make him eight years older than me. And while this may have seemed like an immediate dismissal or problem to him, it actually wouldn’t have been for me. I had never dated a man more than five years older than me, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t open to it. What I wasn’t open to, however, was dating a liar.

A good man is hard to find; and although it had only been a few months, I thought I had found one. That was until I found out he was lying about something I wouldn’t have cared about and wound up making me question many more things about him and made me wonder what other lies he had told or would tell in the future. Whatever the reasoning behind the fib, it prevented our relationship from ever really flourishing.

I often think about what could have been, if only he hadn’t lied about something so simple; but I know if he lied about his age, nothing would have been off limits in the future. Lying is most definitely a red flag when weeding through the bad guys; but call me crazy, I still think he was a good guy. He just happened to tell a really stupid, bad lie, and for that reason (and a few other things), he was no longer my type.

I haven’t heard this much criticism of a television character… ever. Kerry Washington’s role in the hit prime time drama Scandal as Olivia Pope, the boss yet internally conflicted “fixer”/mistress to the President of the United States has EVERYONE talking. And when I say “everyone” I do mean everyone. On Thursday nights at 10 pm EST, my Twitter timeline is rockin’ with Scandal hashtags by family, friends, politicians, athletes and actors alike, raving about the twists, the turns, the brilliant writing, the fashion, the flashbacks, the very different funky 70s soundtrack… Every aspect of the show seems to be something of a phenomenon, especially since it’s the first primetime drama with a black female lead role on a major network in years. Some of us see progression in that. Some of us see off-the-charts talent and entertainment.

Still, the show has its vehement critics. Those not unlike CBS, Atlanta reporter Mo Ivory who breaks down Washington’s role as “no different than Joseline from “Love & Hip Hop Atlanta” or Kim from “Real Housewives of Atlanta” – she just has more expensive clothes, a higher paying job and tighter security.”

I don’t agree or disagree with Ivory’s thoughts. I’ve been so focused on Washington’s accurate portrayal (no matter how messy) of just a WOMAN in general that I haven’t had the time to bust down a list of the horrible characteristics.

I watch Kerry beast through her performance as Olivia Pope every week and think to myself that I have NEVER seen such a consistent powerhouse performance in primetime, week after week. As Pope, Washington peels back the layers of a very human woman who can clean up anyone’s, EVERYONE’S mistakes and hiccups around her but is just barely holding together the steadily unfolding mess that is her own life. I don’t see a black woman who is a mistress when I watch Olivia Pope. I see a woman in general who has issues just like the rest of the world and is trying to get clarity and peace of mind in the midst of a crap storm of confrontation and seemingly buried secrets. Kerry Washington executes the human-ness of the role flawlessly. That’s what I’m tuned in for.

Is she playing a mistress? Yes. I know, I know. That sets black women back hundreds of years and blah blah blah. I don’t agree with all that simply because for years, blacks have had to fight with screenwriters and directors and producers to allow us to be human beings on screen. Not caricatures. Not trumped up stereotypes. Not ALWAYS Mammys and drivers or harlots and drug dealers. Just everyday, normal human beings, whatever that entails. For this particular role, Kerry Washington unfolds a woman’s struggle with loving someone she cannot wholly have, being strong for everyone else all the time, working almost ‘round the clock, trying to cover past mistakes with present goodwill. Who of us haven’t dealt with at least one of the above?! She plays a human being, people! She shows the multi-faceted womanhood that many of us try to deny by criticizing roles like this or even everyday people like this.

About a month or so ago during her interview with Oprah, Washington drew parallels between Olivia Pope and her character of “Broomhilda,” a slave woman in the deep south spaghetti western Django Unchained, which opened as a box office hit with very mixed reviews. She expressed that her goal as an actress is simply to honor humanity by telling these stories in as real a way as possible. Washington also stated that she felt honored to play both roles because it showed how far we had come as a nation. Her ability to be able to play such a multi-layered character like Olivia Pope essentially was an answer to her character Broomhilda’s prayers that one day that kind of freedom would be possible for a black woman. She talked about the timeline of black acting, citing that in the beginning, everything was stereotypical if you wanted to be a black actor. Then, there was the era of “black perfection” where all roles taken on by black actors had to be pristine, no flaws. Now, we live in an age where we are beginning to be allowed to simply be human. Flaws and all.

That idea struck a chord with me as I reviewed Washington’s body of work from Save The Last Dance to Django. She has always chosen roles that some might say have made black folks “look bad,” yet they offered an honest look into the lives of honest characters. And what is a serious actor if not an honest vessel?

During her acceptance speech at the 2012 Black Girls ROCK! event, Washington said, “I get to honor humanity. We are all valuable human beings and all our stories deserve to be told.”

We, as freethinking human beings need to stop being so quick to judge the black artist. What Kerry Washington and Viola Davis and countless other black actresses are doing is monumental if we change our outlook. We cannot whittle down the idea of black art only to what makes us feel comfortable. Was Viola Davis’s role as a 1960s maid too painful a memory for some of us? Is Olivia’s role as a mistress (no matter how classy and fierce) too telling of many a modern day reality for some of us? I see Washington as a brave soul for pushing through and bringing a truth to television that has long been airbrushed to ease internal tensions. I see Washington as an example of the versatility black women have not been allowed to exhibit for so long. The honesty we have not been able to speak on or to portray without feeling some sort of way. I celebrate her courage to honor humanity even in the face of such opposition. If we’re more fixated on the flaws of the character rather than the honesty those flaws bring to entertainment, perhaps we need to do a bit more soul-searching and a little less judging.

La Truly is a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change among young women through her writing. Check out her blog: www.hersoulinc.com and Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.

Women don’t realize the power that we wield when it comes to love and relationships. I don’t know where it starts, our ignorance to the command/influence we have. I don’t know why we give ourselves so little credit in the way of steering our relationships. But I do know that for many of us, we misuse the power that we don’t even know we have. I know, because I’ve done it.

I gave him a big spoonful of what he had been giving me. Texts answered hours or a day late or even some just left totally unanswered. Half-hearted one-word replies. Nonchalance at its height. He needed to sweat. He needed to wonder the way I had wondered. He needed to know that I was not the type of woman to be played. No. I had a life and he wasn’t going to treat me as an afterthought. So, I fell back and let him wonder.

It was empowering the first day or so. But then the third and fourth day I started to feel differently. He was calling and texting like a mad man trying to figure out what was going on. I decided I had my fun and it was time to let him know I was done with this lopsided “relationship.” All the things I wanted to say came out cold and lacked feeling in about three text messages. But I wasn’t satisfied. It didn’t feel right. So a few days later I went by his house to talk. I practiced what I would say about his behavior and why I reacted the way that I did. I was ready to give him a piece of my mind along with the dose of his own medicine I had already served him.

What happened instead was pretty much not the way I saw the conversation going in my head.

“When we first started talking, we agreed to be open and honest with one another. We agreed that communication is a big key. But instead of communicating your feelings to me you just ignore me? That’s childish! You never made me aware of how you were feeling and there’s no way that you can justify that!”

I sat in silence for most of the conversation. I was stunned because no man has ever been able to rightfully speak to me like that. I couldn’t argue against his points. I had assumed so many things. I had taken his late responses to my text messages personally when in actuality, he was WORKING. I had used my power in the most juvenile of ways instead of communicating like an adult and it almost cost me a great friendship and what could be the beginning of an amazing relationship.

I thought I was teaching him a lesson, giving him a taste of his own medicine when instead I got schooled on my own lack of communication/trust and a lesson in humility. All rightfully deserved, when I sat and thought about it.

Sure, I got a reaction out of him, but for what purpose? Had I thought through my confusion and hurt I would have clearly seen that everything is not always as it seems and instead of jumping to conclusions, as I sheepishly admit I do sometimes, I should have spoken – IN PERSON, NOT VIA TEXT MESSAGE – to him about it. I have that right. I have that power. Not to nag but to communicate openly and honestly. And by God, if a man is ASKING for open and honest communication, that’s half the battle already WON!

Was it a bitter pill to swallow at first? Of course it was, sitting there being scolded by someone I had every intention of all but cursing out. But what was bitter at first taste became sweet once it sunk into my system. The power I have as a woman is not one of control or manipulation to MAKE a man do right or do what I think he should do so as to avoid ever being hurt. The power I wield as a woman is that of strength and honesty. There is no power in assumption or living in a perpetually reactive tit-for-tat state of mind. There is no true happiness or peace in that space either. I got the message loud and clear.

La Truly is a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change among young women through her writing. Check out her blog: www.hersoulinc.com and Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.

Pictured: Charlamagne Tha God & DJ Envy; Source: PNP/WENN

When you’re famous and your spouse becomes fed up with your antics, all you can do is apologize…publicly.  Well, that’s the route New York radio personality DJ Envy took with his wife, Gia.

On Friday during Power 105′s Breakfast Club, co-host Charlamagne Tha God was awarding his daily “Donkey of the Day Award.”  To the surprise of listeners, the award went to fellow Breakfast Club host DJ Envy, with Charlamagne saying, “Something is off.  You’re looking stressed, you’re balling up in the corner in the fetal position, your radio/dj game is off…I know I gotta talk to my friend.  Whatever personal issues which are causing you to age drastically, like you listen to Adele records…I’m asking as a friend if you need some personal time off. Why has your game been off?”

After a “pregnant pause,” DJ Envy revealed:

“Shout to my wife. I been with my wife 18 years and sometimes you don’t treat the person well. You think they’ll always be there.  Its been a point where I’ve treated my wife like ish. It has to do with the small things you don’t do anymore.”

As the show continued, Envy went on to reveal that he’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t appreciate her and has taken her for granted.  Further, in a shaky voice, he revealed that he buys Gia things versus complimenting her or taking her out and making her feel like a wife.  In an attempt to make the situation better, he decided to call his “queen” on the air.  He then told her that he knows  he’s not been there for her, hes’ not been honest or loyal and he regrets everything he’s done to her and sincerely apologizes for everything.  At the end of the conversation, a seemingly shocked Gia told Envy she loved him as well and to call her when he was off the radio.

Whatever Envy has done to his wife (and there are many things you can assume based on his apology alone), he seems to really feel bad about it now. The hope is that this was a very sincere apology, especially since they have two children together and almost 20 years together (they were high school sweethearts). However, with the Breakfast Club in a ratings war with Hot 97′s Cipha Sounds & Rosenberg morning show as well as Gia allegedly joining the cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey, there’s a chance this was all for publicity and better ratings. There’s no question that in a local radio war, listeners will opt to listen to the station that makes them feel like they can relate to them.

Perhaps we’ll see when RHONJ airs this summer where they are in their relationship. Marriage is hard and since Envy seems to know that he is solely to blame, we hope he does his best to get his family back together and the chips fall where they should.

If your significant was not treating you the way they should, would you think that a public apology would be a good way for them to go?

If you’d like to listen, the conversation starts around 22:15.

A man and woman are sitting to dinner on their first date. He’s chosen a gorgeous restaurant and has an amazing smile. She looks absolutely fly in her new little black dress and he’s told her so once or twice already. SCORE! Flirtatious small talk has ranged from his athleticism to her impossibly deep dimples. Surface stuff? Yes. But it’s setting a cool, comfortable atmosphere and both parties are feeling each other.

Then comes the “Kiss of Death” question which SHOULD allow both people to assess where the friendship/relationship has the potential to go (or not) but more often than not it leads to even thicker masks being painted on.

“So… what do you look for/like in a man/woman?”

Time after time this one seemingly harmless question changes a person’s demeanor and behavior unbeknownst to them.

He says he enjoys women who have a good head on their shoulders, give great conversation, have eclectic taste in music, work out and are into football. As he speaks she’s working her way down her self-check list, mentally checking things off with a smile until the “works out” and “is into football” leaves his lips.

What the what? She’s naturally petite, doesn’t do much more than Pilates and rarely watches football, aside from movies that have something to do with the sport. She hates football. But she doesn’t want to lose this awesome guy. Quick! What does she say?

“I’m really getting into football lately! Go Steelers!” Then she pulls any and every football tidbit she’s ever heard her brothers talk about and tries to arrange them all in a semi-literate way, praying he doesn’t ask too many questions until she can get home and Google everything she can on the sport.

Or the other way around, he asks what she looks for in a man and she gushes about men who enjoy traveling and know their way around the kitchen. He freaks. What can he cook? A bowl of cereal. But what does he say, mesmerized by the gorgeous smile of this woman sitting before him?

“Yeah, I enjoy watching the Food Network to get ideas for new recipes.”

“Oh, you cook?” She asks him with eyes bright.

“I’m somethin’ like a black Emeril Lagasse,” he brags, as he frantically makes a mental note to ask his sister for cooking advice.

We have all done it at some point. So focused on maintaining the interest of the person in front of us that we throw complete honesty out the window. We want to impress. We want to be wanted because, well, we want them; Feigning interest in things we could really care less about and pretending to be pros with things we are total failures at or have never even tried. Then, IF a relationship materializes, we wonder why things start to unravel sooner than later.

I don’t suggest baring your soul from the first conversation, but it is important to remember who you are and to be honest about it from the jump. We forget that some aspects of what we find attractive in others often morph and grow and change as we grow and experience life.

You would be surprised at how often my open disdain for things has created a larger air of interest on behalf of the guy. Instead of shying away because we didn’t share one or two of the same interests, it was now his opportunity to teach me something which could turn itself into a successful second or third date, and who knows after that?

Nowadays I try to avoid asking such a cornered question as “What do you like in a man/woman?” Instead, I just engage. I engage in conversation about any range of topics. I engage in small silly behaviors like singing off-key to a favorite song. I engage in being me in front of him and honestly, even if a relationship never materializes, more often than not, I’ve had some great dates and secured awesome friends. I would rather be my random self than to try to stuff myself into an uncomfortable mold. Because, let’s be honest, many men have no real clue what they “like” until they meet her. Forget what he “likes.” Be you. Whether a relationship materializes or not, he’ll respect it and you’ll know that you’re being appreciated for what YOU actually bring to the table.

La Truly is a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change among young women. Her blog: www.hersoulinc.com and Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.

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Lying in a relationship is a slippery slope. If you’re not careful, the little lie you told to keep you and your partner from getting in a little fight, could lead you into the big lie that makes your partner feel greatly betrayed. And trust is a hard thing to get back in a relationship. Here are “small” lies that should never be told in a marriage because if you’re telling them, they’re usually indicative of even larger problems.

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Love – that all-encompassing, magnetic, passion filled word. So many of us believe that love will conquer all, that love is all you need to make your relationship last. I’m a romantic at heart, so I don’t want to diminish the power that love definitely has in our lives. But when it comes to long-lasting relationships and going the distance, is love REALLY enough? Falling in love can be easy, but staying in love requires more than a blissful, fleeting feeling. Love is mysterious, a yearning of the soul – but to have a truly successful relationship that lasts forever, you will need love as a foundation, but realistically…you need these things as well:

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Most people would like to be the one who puts an end to a bad relationship rather than being dumped by their loved one. But the fact is that, even if you want to end your relationship, it’s not easy to tell someone that it’s over.  That’s right, essentially breaking up is a lose-lose situation.  Breaking up with your partner may be necessary at some point but let it have the dignity that your relationship did.

Ending a relationship is all the more difficult when it is not by mutual consent. When one of the partners has to initiate the break in the relationship, it can turn into a situation filled with anger, sadness, confusion and frustration and therefore must be handled with care and lots of thought. Here are 7 tips that might help you along the way to a peaceful break-up.