All Articles Tagged "honesty"
Being direct can be a little intimidating for a person who might want or need something. I remember one time in particular when I was in high school (sorry Mom and Dad)…
When my parents were still married (they divorced about two years ago), they had a house built and after about ten years, my mother was regretting getting their bathroom carpeted. So, she hinted to my father that she wanted a marble floor.
I remember for about a month or two, she would come home, go into their room, go into their ensuite and her face would fall. The pep that she had walking into the room was gone, and she just seemed slightly annoyed.
One day I finally asked her what was wrong and she said: “I thought I would come home and your father would have had the floor done for me.”
Confused, I asked my father why he never got the flooring fixed for her, his answer was: “She never asked me.”
I always wondered how he didn’t pick up on the message, until I myself realized that I succumbed to missing on my mother’s hints for oh so many things.
No one wants to disappoint people, especially important family members, so I learned that whenever I want something that’s important to me, I need to be as straight forward as possible.
I thought that hinting was a trait that was uniquely my mother, but once I started being direct with things that I wanted, I realized I was more a minority than I’d hoped.
There are some people in life who are sitting here, reading this article, who are disappointed about something in their life because they didn’t speak up. You dropped hints, and had conversations about what you wanted, but didn’t actually ask for it.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret… that’s a very unfulfilled life that you’re living. The sad thing is, most people aren’t as intuitive as we think and hope they are. Some people are only half listening when we speak, so our hints go over their heads.
But may I implore you to… just ask. When there’s something that you want, something that you feel is important to you, it should be important enough to ask for.
We might feel as though our needs should be important to other people, but human beings are inherently self centered, and we’re programmed to think “me first.” That’s why we can miss clues, and hints, and end up seeming extremely insensitive or selfish.
On top of that, there are some people who get annoyed by the hinting and they know what you want, but they won’t do it unless you ask for it. How do I know? Because I can be like that sometimes. I can get incredibly annoyed when people in my life will spend so much energy hinting about something, and I’m thinking in my head: “If you just don’t say what you want… geez lou-freakin’-ouise!”
At the end of the day, most of us are adults, and we should feel comfortable enough being direct with things that we want. Whether it’s a marble bathroom floor, a friend to stop gossiping, or a raise. Remember, closed mouths don’t get fed, and more times than not, hinting will just leave you disappointed.
My father finally got the floor re-done in their bathroom after my mother directly told him that she wanted it. The same thing can be said for all the things you want in your life. You have more power to make things happen for yourself than you realize. Sometimes all you have to do is ask for them.
You know there’s a thing called Twitter, right? Well, Kendra Koger is on it @kkoger… you know, if you decided to check it out. Whatever…(hint hint) ;-)
The art of change is a tough one. I used to be the head captain and cheerleader of the School of Niceness, and was always there to cheer up a friend with kind words, or make sure my friends and family were always happy if they were facing an ordeal. Then I realized that I was often being taken advantage of, or my opinions were being ignored.
Over time, I noticed that going for the prize of the nicest friend and family member wasn’t the right move for me and those I loved, and vowed to become a more honest and truthful person about my feelings, and about their issues. I never thought my newfound honesty would be something I’d be lambasted for.
On one hand, there are people who can handle the truth, and then there are those who are terrified of it, so much so that they retaliate against you and make you feel like the bad guy. Here’s my current situation: I’m the youngest out of my four sisters, which makes me the go-to person for advice and moments of clarity. Recently, I’ve started implementing my new honesty-is-the-best-policy practice into the advice I give, but my sisters aren’t taking too kindly to it. I’ll hear, “You’ve become sassy,” or, “You’re starting to act like a b**ch.” But I don’t get it: If you’re telling me that you want to leave your cheating boyfriend and I tell you that you should because he’s no good, it’s mean? We create these filters in our lives that help us ignore the truth. Whether it’s obsessing over a fake fairy tale life that we want to the point that we’re ignoring the good advice we asked for, many of us want to wallow in mess until our lives are spiraling out of control.
For some, listening to honesty and a critique is an attack. We never want to hear when we’re wrong and some people are more sensitive than others. It gets a little frustrating for me and my sisters because I never know how they’re going to take the advice I think that I gently give to them.
Honesty in any relationship is important. Sure, “the truth” may seem like common sense, but we lie to ourselves every day, and that’s no bueno. In the words of Ms. Demetria Lucas (for my Blood Sweat and Heels fans), we have to accept that our truth may not be the truth. Because of that, I say be honest with your friends. Let your man know how you really feel. Keep it 100 when it comes to your family. All in all, speak your mind! The longer we hold back the truth, the more we lose our true selves. What good are we to friends and loved ones if we aren’t honest with ourselves?
Fear will get the best of us if we let it. Yes, the anxiety of a bad outcome makes us apprehensive, but not letting yourself live the experience is even worse. For me, it’s what made me become more truthful in my relationships with friends and family. I realized that the approach really determines the outcome of any situation. Being hard on someone who’s already down in the dumps isn’t a good remedy for anyone, but being honest yet understanding can go a long way.
It’s sweet to play cheerleader for a while, but it’s often more helpful when the people you care about learn from some good ol’ fashioned unfiltered advice (that doesn’t sound too judgmental). So I’ll take the Ls for now, but I know it will work out for them and myself down the road.
I am always fascinated by the dynamics around relationships especially romantic ones. I have had my share of scandals and downright craziness and through it all I tried to make the best decisions and remain true to myself regardless of the consequences. But looking back I am not sure if it really was the best idea to come clean about EVERYTHING, I wonder if maybe it pays to keep certain facts to yourself because in the long run, you have to ask yourself are you trying to make yourself feel better or are you being completely honest in order to benefit your partner?
I have a friend who was stuck in a relationship that was going nowhere. She and her boyfriend had been together for 5 years and it was becoming clear to her and the rest of us that they were not heading down the aisle anytime soon, despite the numerous times they had discussed the prospect. She became restless and indulged in a series of affairs. She knew that her boyfriend loved her more than she loved him and most likely was being faithful and respectful of their relationship. She took advantage of that and in the end; she felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. She turned to her friends for advice, she desperately wanted to come clean and confess her sins but she wasn’t sure if her already fragile relationship could survive the betrayal. The consensus was that she seemed to be unfulfilled and her affairs were demonstrative of that fact, so perhaps coming clean would be her way out. She listened to what we had to say, but we all knew that she had already made up her mind even before she sought our counsel. She did divulge all her wrongdoings and her boyfriend was understandably devastated. He had really loved her and despite their challenges, he would have tried to make things work if she had been willing but she was ready to get on with her life without him.
I am friendly with her ex-boyfriend and it was difficult to see him agonizing over the fact that his ex-girlfriend had cheated on him multiple times. It forced me to really step back and ponder whether or not he would have been better off not knowing all the details. Maybe he would have had easier time just accepting the fact that my friend wanted an amicable break up.
When I broke up with my boyfriend a year and a half ago, I had cheated on him twice but I never told him. We had dated for about two years, and even though it wasn’t love at first sight, I grew to love and respect him. But after about a year, my feelings changed and I became susceptible to guys who were eager to give me what I was missing in my relationship. After the first affair, it was easier to jump into the next one but after that ended, I realized that it was time to stop living a lie and come clean. We both talked and acknowledged that it was time to be honest about the fact that we were not invested and ready to move on.
I felt a huge sense of relief that we were both on the same page, but most importantly I was happy that were able to break up and still be friendly without the ugliness of my affairs hanging over us. I just didn’t see the need to torture someone I cared about with needless information.
Do you think that honest is the best policy? I think that it is if you are trying to save your relationship and you truly want to make it work despite the mistakes that have been made. But if you are not willing to stick it out, what’s the point?
In what appears to be the final installment of her documentary, Beyoncé talks honesty and reveals it was the key for this album.
These videos have probably been as raw as we’ve ever seen Bey and we love it. Surely we aren’t the only ones because in all of the comments sections for the videos, people want to see the next installation. But in this seemingly final one, Bey talks about how her image and her responsibility had been holding her back from releasing music that was more true to who she is, or was at the time, as a person.
On Why She Felt She Couldn’t Be More Honest In Her Music:
“I started out when I was 9 with the girls of Destiny’s Child and our first album came out when I was 15. I was a child. But now I’m in my 30s, and those children that grew up listening to me have grown up and I always felt it was my responsibility to be aware of kids and their parents and all these generations. and I feel like it stifled me. I felt like, in a sense, I could not express everything. I’ve done so many things in my life, in my career, that at this point I feel like I’ve earned the right to be me and to express any and every part of myself.”
Beyoncé goes on to talk about the making of “Rocket.” She explains that it’s a song about singing from the heart, harmonies, adlibs, and arrangements. There’s a clip of her singing in the studio while Justin Timberlake and Timabaland (two of of the three writers – Miguel was the third) are there and Timberlake pretty much loses it. He just repeats, “There’s something wrong with you.”
Bey says she would not have been able to record “Rocket” in the past because she wouldn’t have had as much confidence. But now, she feels she’s let her walls down. She goes on to say about the videos as a whole:
“I feel like I’m having to tap into a lot of my life experiences to pull inspiration. And I fee like I’m opening up a lot in these videos and showing a lot of sides to me that only a few people have ever seen.”
Check out part five of the Beyoncé documentary below!
When my husband and I first came together as a romantic couple three years ago, we agreed to practice Radical Honesty in our relationship, meaning he and I wouldn’t keep any secrets from each other bigger than a surprise party. The rule can prove more challenging to abide by than you might suspect at first. But both of us feel it’s well worth the occasional angst we experience in order to enjoy a romance that lets us feel totally connected and utterly trusting of each other.
What does Radical Honesty mean? It means, quite simply, that you tell the your partner everything that’s going on in your life. Everything. Not just where you’re going that evening and what you’ll be doing at work that day and with whom, but also mentioning when someone you meet gives you butterflies. When you feel an urge to reach out to an ex. When you get overwhelmed with guilt about someone you hurt years ago.
It means sharing when someone at the office gets flirtatious with you—even if you don’t reciprocate his or her advances. Or telling your partner you find someone—even a movie star—Hot. In sum, it boils down to full disclosure and keeping zero secrets in an attempt to ward off any potential trouble further down the road.
My desire for Radical Honesty runs deep. I was married for six years and in a nine-year relationship prior to meeting and marrying my current husband, Kiran.
Back then I was married to Sid, who was not the love of my life by any means, but we did have a caring, fun relationship—until it all fell apart. I gradually discovered that Sid had been lying to me. First about small things, like running into an ex at an event and grabbing a quick drink with her. Then about big things, like hitting on a mutual friend of ours, telling her how much he wanted to sleep with her. After we divorced, the walls came tumbling down. Other people shared their stories about Sid. Turns out my ex had been dishonest about who he was at his very core. It took me a long time to forgive him—and myself.
What I learned beyond a shadow of a doubt from my first marriage was a gift. I came to see how lies, no matter how tiny, can snowball into grander and far more humiliating deceptions. Lies completely undermined my relationship with Sid; I was not about to allow the same thing to happen with Kiran.
Of course, practicing Radical Honesty can be tough. It forces you to confront tough emotions head on. In a society that teaches us to avoid conflict as much as humanly possible, to make amends, smooth things over, and tell white lies, Radical Honesty is the opposite policy. It’s all about diving headfirst into sticky situations in the name of love.
I’ll give you an example. I have promised to tell Kiran whenever I hear from an ex-boyfriend, just as he will tell me whenever an ex-girlfriend contacts him. I personally don’t think there’s anything worse than glancing at your partner’s cellphone when it rings or buzzes and seeing that heart-pounding, knee-shaking, jealousy-inspiring ex’s name on the screen. What could more instantly and assuredly inspire a total mental breakdown? At least this way, I know that if Angela or Katy (not their real names) reaches out, Kiran will tell me about it—pronto.
Read more at YourTango.com
From Single Black Male
When I was a teen, it was almost automatic that I would lie about stuff to women. Men lie about the stupidest things, but when it came to courting women we would lie just to get ahead. This mentality permeates into adulthood as well, mostly because it is somewhat effective (in the short term). We would lie about our intentions with the woman, what we want to get out of a supposed union, and where we see our dealings leading in the future. More often than not, these lies would surface and would blow up in our faces. It isn’t until we mature that we realize that honesty is truly the best policy.
I used to think women were lying themselves when they said that they’d rather a dude tell them their true endgame than fabricate a story that they feel women will absorb better. Once again, women were correct. When a man tells a woman what he is looking for and is 100% honest, a woman has to respect him for being forthcoming. I understand that men are reluctant to say “I’m just looking for sex” if that’s their goal, because it does sound crazy when said aloud. If men are looking for just sex, they don’t want to mess up their chances by tipping their hand too early and having women fold. However, attaining that goal under false pretenses will eventually make that woman have buyer’s remorse. If I purchase a brand new car and the dealer guarantees that it will last for 5 years / 100,000 miles, and it breaks down as soon as I take it off the lot, I would be pretty pissed and want my money back. This is how a woman feels when men offer them the moon and the stars and they don’t even receive a spec of sunlight. Yeah, if you tell her that you just want to fool around with no strings attached and she refuses, it might suck, but it’s better than leading a woman on to the point of an eventual backlash.
By lying to get the draws, men also take the power out of a woman’s decision making process. They skew the facts in order for women to make a choice based upon what they want. This is wrong because you never know what a woman’s intentions are either. What if you intend to date that woman and make her yours, but SHE isn’t ready for all that clingy Shyte?! Maybe she doesn’t want anything serious either. Men are so hard-wired to think every woman with interest in them wants a ring and kids that they want to avoid that pitfall at all cost, especially if all they want is a causal relationship. Let a woman make that decision based off of your honest assessment of what you currently desire. It’s better to be in agreement and move forward than to have two different levels of expectations and become at odds with one another down the line. When we are younger, drama with women was cool and seen as collateral damage in our mission to occupy the land between their thighs. When we mature (and gain actual financial assets / other Shyte to lose), we realize that drama is neither cute or necessary. I’d rather be honest in my intentions than deal with the repercussions of lying down the line.
Read more at SingleBlackMale.org
When searching for that special someone in the dating world, it’s always good to have an image of what he should be like. I didn’t start out by coaching women in their love lives; I started out coaching men. It’s funny when I think about it, because what women want from a man is what I was trying to teach them all along.
In any case, there are quite a few qualities that make a man great. In reality, looking for a guy who has these qualities is not as hard as people say. But if you want to have a higher chance of finding love, identify the ones that matter to you most and stick with them. In my personal opinion, all men should have these qualities and I don’t associate with nor respect ones that don’t.
1. He’s a gentleman. A great guy needs to be polite, respectful, considerate, and attentive to a woman’s needs. This includes classic gentleman behavior such as pulling out a woman’s chair, walking on the car side of the street and taking her coat. I personally believe that if all men were gentlemen, we would live in a better world. Today, this is far from the truth, so guys who do have this quality stand out. It’s also worth noting that great guys never cross the line of being inappropriate.
2. He’s direct. Many men believe that if they constantly have a “whatever” attitude, women will suddenly fall in love with them. This is completely bogus. Would you like to spend time with a guy who constantly dodges direct questions and shrugs instead of giving you an answer? A great guy should look straight into your eyes when he’s talking to you, and to look and seem genuinely interested in what you have to say. He should have good diction, and engage in conversation with an active attitude. Any guy who isn’t direct is weak. You shouldn’t settle for weak.
3. He’s faithful. Faithfulness may be one of the most important characteristics when it comes to great men. Although you can never know for sure if this is the case, if you know he’s been a cheater, it’s best to stay away from him. On a different note, a study says that around 60 percent of men have cheated at least once in their lives. It’s true: The only thing you can do to make sure he won’t do it in the future is to keep him sexually satisfied. Men don’t cheat because they don’t feel loved anymore; they cheat because they need sex. Some men have a need to sleep with other women, while others cheat because the sex is gone in the relationship. Keeping a healthy sexual relationship is the best thing you can do to keep your man faithful.
4. He has integrity. Having integrity is another very important characteristic that makes a great man. Integrity means he will stay true to his word and to himself. Integrity and ambition are also often enough to convince a woman that a man will eventually be financially sound, even if he isn’t. Men with integrity are highly respected and in return, they give respect to others. They may require you to be worthy of their respect before they offer it to you: Since they have a high moral compass, they want others who share their values. Also, these men often show courage because they are required to stand up for their beliefs at all times.
Read more at YourTango.com
Knowing the truth can help you get back on the path to healing.
An affair could happen to anyone, from the local politician who gets caught with his pants down to the next-door neighbor who sleeps with her kid’s karate teacher. When people find out about infidelity, they often make all kinds of assumptions about why people are having affairs. Even if someone cheated in your life, you may have thought you understood what affairs are all about.
We live in a hush-hush culture when it comes to infidelity and it’s not so easy to sort fact from fiction, and many of the common beliefs about affairs are wrong. Here are the 10 most common myths and the truth behind the scenes:
1. Most people who cheat are looking for an affair when it happens. In fact, the majority of time, an affair happens to people who aren’t looking for it. This is particularly true in cases in which a partner had had only cheated with one person. Affairs often begin as friendships, which are followed by intimacy, which can then shift into a full-blown tryst.
2. Most people drift from their spouses for someone younger or more attractive. Think of the Arnold Schwarzenegger affair with his housekeeper. While in some cases, the chronically philandering corporate CEO might seek out younger sex mates, typically paramours are no younger, richer or more attractive than spouses.
Read more at YourTango.com
Bisexuality, for most, simply means duality: the attraction to both the same sex and the opposite sex –male and female. To some, however, bisexuality is reduced to promiscuity –individuals who are considered so perverse that they don’t exclude either sex from their conquests or attractions. And, that notion is perpetuated by many aspects of the media, predominately television; along with the idea that bisexuality is neither a real identity nor a lifestyle choice, but a way for men to curtain their “true” gay identities, and an opportunity for women to engage in non-emotional sexualized play –and that thought directly correlates to the onset of biphobia in waking generations.
Bisexuality is by no means a new occurrence in nature. Throughout recorded history, various humane societies and the animal kingdom have been documented as having explored bisexuality. Ancient Greece and Ancient Rome are prime examples of civilizations recognized as having bisexual tendencies, and the squid, the Bottlenose dolphin and black swans are just on the short list of animals who like to swim at both ends of the metaphoric pool.
The fact that bisexuality is documented does not dissuade naysayers from objecting and volunteering their opinions on the matter. The gray-middle ground, where bisexuality lies, upsets people because it isn’t black or white. Men who love men are always considered to be gay, and are rarely accepted as being bisexual. If he is seen with a woman after he’s already been perceived as gay, then she’s a “f*g hag” or a “beard,” and he’s jumping back inside the closet. And, this is often the opinion from both gay and straight bystanders, who are waiting for him to finally admit he’s gay or to keep lying to himself, and presumably be on the down-low. This is not the case at all, if a bisexual man happens to marry a woman, he is no more inclined to cheat on his wife than a heterosexual man, or he would his husband. To assume that he would have to live a double life in order to satisfy his urges suggests that people don’t believe that bisexuals are able to maintain healthy and loving relationships without straying.
And, for bisexual women, the problem is entirely different. The assumption is that bisexual encounters between two women only happen when alcohol is involved, or during experimentation. Or, if there is a relationship, then it is just a phase. These women are expected to be having “fun” prior to the presumably superior life of hetero-normality. This, again, is reductive. The assumption not only cheapens the idea of female sexual experiences of women, but it suggests that a same sex relationship involving a bisexual woman is not a lasting one.
The challenge for society is to understand that fluidity in sexuality doesn’t simply occur when a person is drunk or horny (not every bi-person is hetero-flexible or straight-when-sober), it occurs through actualized attractions and personal honesty. Bisexuality can become more accepted if individuals refrain from jumping to conclusions about another person’s sexuality based on who others are dating or having sex with –also being candid and frank about one’s own attractions makes people less bigoted toward other people’s attractions and choices.
I investigate. That’s just what I do. I like to know who and what I’m dealing with. Of course, I’ve heard that you shouldn’t go looking for anything because you will find it. And I believe this to a certain extent; but some things a girl just stumbles upon…and in this case it was something I wanted to know about a potential boo.
No, I didn’t discover that he was married or had a few kids stashed away somewhere. He wasn’t a convicted felon, nor did he have a secret life of being on the down-low. It wasn’t any of these catastrophic details that he failed to mention; it was something so insignificant that I didn’t even know a man would lie about: his age.
Yes, while playing investigator on Google I found out that my guy was two years older than he said he was. Immediately I thought, who does that? I know you’re immediately thinking, what’s the big deal? Sure, it’s only two years, but c’mon, it was only two years, so why lie about it? At that moment, my curiosity turned to anger, and then curiosity again. Seriously, who really does that?
Everything else about him added up for the most part, or at least, my investigation didn’t reveal any other secrets; but this was a bit much for me. I don’t do liars. And lying about something so minor, made it suddenly so major. If he chose to lie about this, what else would he lie about? Who was I really dating?
I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and even asked him a second time what his age was, claiming that I had forgotten what he’d said; but to my dismay, he looked me dead in my face with a straight face and lied again. Immediately I realized either this guy had a serious issue with our age gap or he was a compulsive liar. I chose to think both and decided his lie was a huge red flag.
If he was, in fact, lying about his age, that would make him eight years older than me. And while this may have seemed like an immediate dismissal or problem to him, it actually wouldn’t have been for me. I had never dated a man more than five years older than me, but it didn’t mean I wasn’t open to it. What I wasn’t open to, however, was dating a liar.
A good man is hard to find; and although it had only been a few months, I thought I had found one. That was until I found out he was lying about something I wouldn’t have cared about and wound up making me question many more things about him and made me wonder what other lies he had told or would tell in the future. Whatever the reasoning behind the fib, it prevented our relationship from ever really flourishing.
I often think about what could have been, if only he hadn’t lied about something so simple; but I know if he lied about his age, nothing would have been off limits in the future. Lying is most definitely a red flag when weeding through the bad guys; but call me crazy, I still think he was a good guy. He just happened to tell a really stupid, bad lie, and for that reason (and a few other things), he was no longer my type.