All Articles Tagged "holding grudges"
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a very nice person. That causes some people to believe that I’m an easy target for malicious behavior and crazy talkings-to. However, they always learn the error of their ways, because I’ve been taught to always speak up for and defend myself. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that keeping things in can cause people to snap, say things that they regret, or act out in anger. All that can lead to burning bridges with people. However, as I’ve learned to speak up, I still have problems communicating during the times I feel like I need to the most.
I love my family and friends, so when they do something to hurt me, I tend to not say anything. Hoping that the pain will fade, and that I’ll be able to forget what just happened, I sometimes find myself suffering in silence. I’ll remind myself that I’m not perfect, and I’ve hurt others, or that I should pick and choose my battles to protect the important relationships in my life. So I would stuff my feelings down, and try to ignore them to keep the peace. I realized that I did that to protect their feelings; however, I wasn’t caring about my own. I love my family, but their solution to unpleasant incidents in life is to “just let it go.” Now, I’m all for “letting things go,” but you shouldn’t ignore your feelings. If you’re feeling hurt, feel that. If you’re feeling sad, it’s okay to feel sad. Don’t ignore your feelings, but don’t stew in them.
Telling people to “just get over it,” can sometimes come off as extremely passive, dismissive, and honestly selfish. It comes off as I don’t want to deal with you or your feelings, so just get over it. Especially when people are able to unload their grievances on you, about you, but won’t allow you a chance to say how you feel (“Just let it go!”)
Just “letting go” of the situation, and not addressing it when you feel that it is hurting you can cause you to lash out verbally to make that perpetrator of hurt, feel the same pain you’ve been feeling, or more. You find that when you finally do address a problem, you’re not exploding about the issue that just happened, but you’re exploding from all of the past incidences that you’ve ignored, feelings of pain that you’ve shrouded in denial, and anger that has been stewing internally.
It reminds me of a story that an aunt once told me: A father took his little boy, who had a history of saying hurtful things to people, to the backyard. He handed his son a piece of wood and some nails. He instructed his son that for the next week that whenever he was angry and wanted to say something hurtful, to go outside, grab his nails and a hammer and hammer a new nail into his chunk of wood. A week passed and the boy and his father went to examine the wood. After they both removed all the nails the father showed his son all of the holes. ”You see how that even after you remove the nails how the holes are still there? That’s how it is when you say hurtful things to people. You hammer a new nail in, and even after you apologize by pulling it out, you’re still leaving a hole there.”
I’m saying all of this to tell you that before you get to the point of wanting to “hammer a nail into some wood,” don’t suffer in silence. Express your feelings before they get out of hand and you’re blowing up. Now, I’m not saying that every little issue needs to be dissected and discussed, but if it’s something that’s causing you inner turmoil, try to address it in a non-confrontational way. If the person that you want to address is closed off to communication, do something that will help you express yourself. Whether you have to write a letter to them and not send it, just write it down to get it all out, do a kick boxing course to get that aggression out, or do something creative, the important thing is to embrace how you feel. Don’t be ashamed or let anyone make you ashamed for having feelings. You have feelings for a reason, just don’t hide from them.
Now, if you’re a person who is, like the wood, full of holes because of the hurtful things that people have said or done to you, know that there is healing for those wounds. If the balm is addressing each wound, then do it. If the balm is counseling, seek it. Remember that you are important, especially the feelings that you feel. By just ignoring them you are keeping yourself captive to the tumultuous things in your past. So please, don’t suffer in silence, and let it blow! Once you do that, then you can finally be able to “just let it go!”
Kendra Koger has been removing nails and trying to avoid nailing them in the first place. Follow her on twitter @kkoger.
On a reunion episode of “The Challenge” Johnny Devenanzio, also known as Johnny Bananas, quoted his father by saying: “holding a grudge is like *crapping* in your pants. No one else feels it but you.” Trying to find truth in a reality show is sometimes like having enlightened conversations with a toddler. It doesn’t happen often; however, this was something that stayed with me because I do have a problem with holding onto grudges. But like my daughter’s diapers when she “craps” too much, you learn that it can rub off in other areas of your life, making them stink to the high heavens.
So to you, dear reader, are a few reasons why you should drop whatever grudge you’ve been holding onto.
As a woman, when someone has done you dirty in a relationship, it can be hard to let it go. No one wants to feel like they’ve been played to the left. It’s only natural that you would harbor a grudge towards that person, at least for a little while.
But things can go from normal to downright dysfunctional, when the grudge you’re so lovingly holding on to, starts to consume every aspect of your life.
Find out how you can get rid of the grudge at Your Tango.com.
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by Marissa Ellis
Recently, I read an article in Essence by Bishop T.D. Jakes about the importance of forgiving. The excerpt was taken from his upcoming book Let It Go: Forgive Others So You May Be Forgiven. The article especially resonated with me because I’ve witnessed how my inability to let go of grudges has downgraded my quality of life. “If you allow an offense to have free reign, it will eat up opportunities,” said Jake. I interpreted that to mean if we don’t properly position ourselves to deal with certain blows in our lives, we will be consumed by resentment and block the beauty of our experience on this earth.
Two years ago, someone I believed to be a good and trusted friend, betrayed my trust. Instead of confronting her about it, I completely cut off communication. After all, she knew what to do: apologize. I never got that apology. Instead, I was left with a ton of resentment, which nagged at me every single day. I was incensed that someone I trusted broke my trust. It not only affected my mood but how I approached new friendships. I was much more guarded with allowing new people into my life because of my experience with her.
My call to action came at the hands of Oprah. As I was watching her show one day, she recollected a story about being betrayed by a woman (she didn’t disclose the name but it’s thought to be Iyanla Vanzant) and how she carried anger about it for many years until one day, she saw the woman walking down Michigan Avenue laughing and looking happy. It made Oprah realize that while she was stewing in anger, this woman was just going about her life.
By not forgiving, we hurt ourselves the most. I knew that and I understood that but letting go of the grudge was easier said than done. I decided to express my feelings towards my former friend in a series of letters which I then tore up. Later, I decided to reach out to her on her birthday to simply say “happy birthday.” It was a small act but it made me feel so much more empowered because I was taking myself out of the victim role. I know we’ll never be good friends again but for the sake of my own prosperity, I had to dedicate myself to releasing my anger towards her. It was not an easy process whatsoever but day by day, the painful feelings dissipated as I made a concentrated effort to let things go.
Although everyone has different situations that they’re trying to overcome, the impact of not forgiving is the same. And obviously, it’s critical to work towards forgiveness as a matter of building and preserving health and happiness.
Have you been successful in forgiving? What strategies or methods worked for you?
How to get a man and furthermore how to keep him are often topics of heavy discussion amongst single women. But in the midst of studying what to do to be found by Mr. Right, we sometimes neglect to change some of the behaviors that may have actually landed us in ‘single- land’ for so long.
A complaining attitude, soliciting advice from confused single friends, and expecting too much when in actuality some of us don’t have much to give ourselves, are some of the damaging behaviors that prevent some of us from walking down the aisle.
Of course, it could be that it’s just not your time to be in a relationship; but you surely don’t want to extend your single status as a fault of your own behavior. So how do you know if you are the cause of your long-term ‘single-dom’?
As a preliminary measure of self-evaluation, make sure that you are staying away from these 8 relationship sabotaging behaviors. If you’re single and don’t want to remain that way forever, delete these behaviors from your life.