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From YourTango

Yesterday Jazmine Denise Rogers reported that that despite years worth of stories of a relationship between Ashanti and Nelly and then a rumored breakup of this said relationship, Ashanti set the record straight, by telling radio DJ Sway, ““Who said we had a relationship?…”

First whenever I read about Ashanti, I always think of that track where she (and her team) masterfully flipped Biggie’s smash hit,”One More Chance,” (originally DeBarge’s “Stay With Me”), to “Foolish” describing how stupid we can be over some dude. And then that always makes me think about a saying I once heard, “Youth is wasted on the young.”

Ironically, it was an ex-boyfriend, who told me that. He was ten years my senior. He also said those words belong to George Bernard Shaw. Back then I took it as an insult, which is why we are probably not together anymore. But now, a little older, I definitely “get it.” I was strong, vital and in my best physically but I lacked both wisdom and at times, basic common sense. I could have saved myself a lot of heart ache and unnecessary stress, if I knew about life – and more specifically love – then than I do now.

Years ago, I was having an awkward phone conversation with my father about a guy I was seeing. I normally don’t discuss the guys I date with my dad. We just don’t have that type of relationship where I felt comfortable to let my guard down to share. He wanted to know if I had a boyfriend. I told him I had a “friend.” I heard him sigh and then he said something to the effect of, “that’s the problem with your generation, you don’t know how to properly define yourselves. You call relationships any-and everything but relationship even though you do this and that.”

This and that, was my father’s coded way of saying “sex” but without having to acknowledge that he once little girl wasn’t a little girl anymore. Nevertheless, I was irked. For one, I felt like he had no right to make a judgment about the guy I was dating, for whom he had never met. And secondly, how could you hold my relationship in judgment when I was conceived out of one of those “friendly” affairs? Sort of in the spirit of Sade’s Babyfather?  But that’s where his unsolicited advice came from: the experience. You know, the whole “youth wasted” saying?

Mainly because he was partially right: I made the mistake of telling my “friend” that I wanted more. It was nothing something that had sprung up over night. To be honest, I had always wanted more from him. He told me then that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. And after six-months of hanging out in that gray area, not much had changed. “I’m just not into that right now. I got a lot on my mind right now. You know, my baby mom; I’m not exactly where I want to be in life; emotionally I’m just messed up, right now…” blah, blah blah. Basically, he was saying that despite spending time with and being sexually intimate with you, I’m just not that in to you. If I was, I probably wouldn’t be seeing all these other women besides you.

But I really liked him. Or I thought I did. Looking back, it was probably out of fear of rejection combined with fear of being alone. And I accepted it because I wanted to believe that if I just held on that one day, he would change his mind. I wouldn’t let the thought cross my mind that he might be using his baby mom as an excuse. For what? Who cares? Point is, he wasn’t being totally honest. And if I am truthful, I wasn’t being honest neither.

I was dishonest with him for leading him to believe that this complicated situation we had was okay with me. But more importantly, I was dishonest with myself. Despite how Musiq Soulchild makes it sound, being “friends” with someone you want more from ain’t always sunny. In fact, it’s a very uneven relationship where the power dynamic didn’t bend in my favor. Simple couple decisions, like when and how you should meet, become non-negotiable for me.  For the most part I felt powerless.  And the emotional stress from my chosen indentured servitude started to take a physical toll including being marked by anxiety and bouts of depression. For me, our friendly relationship became very unhealthy. And lying to myself about the affect it was having on me was the equivalent of labeling flu-like symptoms as “just a cough.”

Being honest with myself meant knowing how to articulate – and most importantly stand by – what I wanted in a relationship. If you’re not into a relationship, than by all means, don’t have one. In fact, I would suggest you don’t.  However, if a relationship is what you want, don’t settle for him (or her) calling you – as well as being - anything and everything but.  Sure, it is not going to be pleasant. And you might have to cut ties and spend time alone.

But being alone ain’t that bad, especially when you learn to love yourself. Then you realize just how much fun you really are. I think my overall point is that, life is too short to be on some friendly, aka Ashanti Foolish, aka Biggie’s One More Chance, mess – if you don’t have to.

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It’s said that love is blinding, and that’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes true love makes us hone in on the things that matter, and somehow forget all the things that don’t. The opposite is also true: when we don’t care deeply for someone, all we see are the unimportant things. What should otherwise be cute quirks feel like unbearable flaws. Side notes become the point. And you can bet if a man can’t stop complaining about these “quirks” about you, he’s just not into you.

As 2012 came to a close, I had much time to sit and reflect on various trials, triumphs and lessons that I’ve learned up until this point in my adult life. One area in which I am constantly learning is my love life. It’s been a long time coming since love and relationships were equated with crumpled up slips of paper that read : Will you go out with me? Circle yes or no. These days things are way more complicated, but all in all, I am pretty grateful for the lessons that I have learned and am still learning along the way. Among the lessons I’ve learned are things that I will never do again for the sake of being in a relationship. Check out some of my love faux pas. You just might recognize some of these from your own life as well.

Beef with other women

I was never really an extremely confrontational person, but there were points in a couple of my relationships where I felt justified in “checking” other women over my man. As I continue to grow and mature, I realize that certain things are really unnecessary and fighting with other women over a man is one of them. If you have to fight over him, then he isn’t really yours.

Out of all of the people I’ve known in my 20+ years on this earth, I never expected that I would learn the most about love from my younger brother. My sneaking, scheming, two-timing younger brother, but somehow I did.

You see, with as many of the girls that my brother has dated in his young life, it’s a shame that he’s only really cared about two. One was a high school sweetheart, the other a girl he met once he was in college. Each time I was equally shocked at how well he treated them. Not because a man shouldn’t treat the woman that he’s dating like a princess, but because I’ve always counted my brother as one of the most selfish human beings in my Rolodex (I love him, but it’s true). But, when he’s in love, he transforms. He gives selflessly, loves deeply and stops at nothing to ensure that his woman knows that she’s a priority in his life. Although she may not be his number one priority (nor should she be at his age), it is important to note that she is a priority.

Watching him over the years was an eye opener for me. Not because I am unaware of how a lady should be treated, but because it taught me the difference between being in a relationship with a man who only likes you enough as opposed to being with a man who adores you. Every woman deserves to be adored, genuinely loved and desired by her man, not merely tolerated  by him. Unfortunately, many women sell themselves short out of desperation and cling to men who show minimal interest in them at best. They rarely loosen their grip on the man long enough to realize that he really is not that interested in them.

The most recent and unfortunate example of this has played out during this season of Real Housewives of Atlanta through former Miss USA Kenya Moore’s desperate attempts at getting her half-interested boyfriend to marry her and get her pregnant. While many may have gotten a chuckle out of Kenya’s over the top love-marriage-and-a-baby-carriage antics, it was difficult and even painful to watch at times for me because it makes you wonder how a person so beautiful could have such low self-esteem and be so oblivious to what she’s worth. While Kenya’s situation may have been highly dramatized for reality television purposes (there are even rumors that her “man” Walter pretended to be her boo for TV), it is only an exaggerated depiction of many everyday women who sell themselves short. I can speak on it because I’ve been there. I’ve been the girl who foolishly sits around waiting for a guy to wake up and realize how valuable I am instead of moving on and waiting for the man who will recognize my worth.

A woman should never be unsure of her man’s intentions. She should never have to beg or pressure him to marry her. A man who finds a woman he wants will not string her along. A man who genuinely loves a woman will truly love her, cherish her and refuse to let her go. He will do what he has to do to keep her. A man who truly wants a woman will pursue her relentlessly. You’ll never have to chase a man who really wants to be with you. So many women force relationships with men or settle for a guy who make it evident that he can take or leave her, all for the sake of being with someone, instead of holding out for the man who is truly interested in them. In doing this, they open their hearts up for rejection and jump head first into a battle they can’t win. Opening your heart to someone who is only half-interested in you is dangerous. It is impossible to hold onto a man who doesn’t want you and it is foolish to try.

A man can smell a desperate woman from a mile away and the only way to rid yourself of the scent of desperation is to recognize your value and acknowledge your worth. A confident woman can look herself in the mirror and admit that although this man may not be all that interested in her, there’s another man who will be because she’s a great catch. She realizes that this man not being as interested in her as she is in him does not lessen her value or make her less adequate. She refuses to subject herself to the embarrassment of forcing a relationship and heavy future plans with the man who just likes her enough and will not allow him to occupy the space that can be filled by a man who will sincerely adore her. The sooner many of us get that message, the better off we’ll be. If he only likes you “enough,” then plain and simple, that’s NOT enough.

Jazmine Denise is a news writer for madamenoire.com. Follow her on Twitter @jazminedenise

I’m a sucker for romantic comedies; battle of the sexes and chick flicks with all-Black casts are actually my weakness. But that doesn’t take away from my love for the same types of films with predominately White casts, which I find to be equally entertaining At the end of the day, love is love, regardless of race and I know I’m not the only one out there who loves Love Jones just as much as, say, The Notebook. Check out this list of popular rom-coms that have predominantly White casts but are on plenty of black folks’ “favorite move” lists.

Source: hellobeautiful

From HelloBeautiful

Last weekend I was a guest on the R&B podcast hosted by my good friend Lincoln Anthony Blades. He asked me to discuss men jumping ship during the dating process.

Before You take a listen, let me paint the picture: So guy chases down girl, guy gets girl’s number, girl is like, “ok I guess so you aite, we’ll talk”, then guy and girl go out a few times, have a few great conversations, maybe talk about future dates, then……………………………………………his calling pattern changes, contact less frequent, dates? What date? A call or text may come up a few weeks later and he sincerely replies with, “been busy”…………………………………………………………………… sir?!

How do you process a situation like this? I mean from bird’s eye view it’s simple, but when you’re actually the one who was wined, dined and denied it’s a whole other ball game.
The answer is quite simple. The lovely man you gave your number to was probably on the prowl, has an existing relationship or some messy unfinished business on the side. When we date ideally it’s more than one prospect in the running at any one time. Men tend to understand this and adopt this principle with ease sometimes slipping up with words, promising things they have no business promising.

Read more at HelloBeautiful

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thirdage.com

From yourtango.com

Has this ever happened to you? You meet a new guy for coffee and have a great first date. He was easy to talk to, had a good sense of humor and had good answers to your questions. You feel tentatively positive. The week goes by. He texts once or twice, but does not ask about the weekend.

Then, he finally calls you, on Friday, to talk about the weekend. “Are you free tonight?” he asks. Well, you purposely left the weekend open hoping he would call. So you say, “Yes”. You go out and have another great date. It is so nice to talk to a man who you can have a great conversation. You smile, laugh and share similar ideas about life. Single? 

Read More at yourtango.com

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current.com

“I just told my boyfriend that he better x, y and z more,” my friend says all the time. I can’t help but think, That’s not going to fix anything. If you have to remind the guy to do everything, or at least the things that are important to you, there is something seriously wrong. There are just some things that a man should do on his own. If not, he’s probably never going to do them—at least not with you.

Wondering what they are? Keep reading.

Read the rest of this entry »

From YourTango.com

How to know that date number two is not in your future.

All relationships have to start somewhere and that somewhere, most of the time, is on a first date. So, how do we know after that first date if the guy is deserving of our company for date number two?

Well, there are several ways. I’ve heard of women who will give their date a test of some sort such as refusing a menu and asking their date to order for her or trying to pick up the check at the end of the date in order to see how he reacts, in the hopes of gleaning some insight into his personality.

For the complete story, visit YourTango.com.

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