All Articles Tagged "heartbreak"
Heartbreak is arguably one of the worst feelings one can experience. After the emotional turbulence, I reflect on how I ended up alone again after having such high hopes. Did I ignore any red flags? Was I too eager? After being ditched one too many times I had to take a deep look at myself and ask, “Am I causing this?” I’m not saying the men who have devastated me are innocent, but I have realized that I have bad habits that continuously lead me to checking in to heartbreak hotel. Being heartbroken can be crippling, but it can also be enlightening. Here are five things I have learned when I was let down while looking for love.
Don’t fall in love with potential
The person you first meet will not be the person you fall in love with. Underneath the charm, good looks and exciting conversation there could be a creep. After getting my heart crushed too many times I’ve learned to take things day by day when dating because you never truly know who you are dealing with in the beginning. I would notice signs that I was dealing with a douche but I wanted to still give him a chance because of the redeeming qualities and well, the potential. Potential isn’t all that telling when it comes to a person’s level of integrity and character.
The importance of closure
The last guy that broke my heart left me hanging. No goodbye, no reason, nothing. Not knowing why the person I spoke to everyday disappeared on me put me on an emotional rollercoaster. I wondered if something happened to him, if I did something hurtful and was not aware or if I had just gotten played yet again. I didn’t want to believe the latter, because why would he hurt me after I told him what I been through? After I contacted him from another number two months later, I finally got my answer, and also gave him an earful about the added emotional damage he caused. Having that closure helped me know to move on. I let go of the false hope that maybe he would re-emerge and we could start over. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear but it was what I needed.
Have no expectations
When you’re falling for someone you assume they’re falling for you too. That’s where the expectations kick-in. Expecting good morning texts, phone calls and dates every weekend got me in trouble and brought on loads of disappointment. That man doesn’t have to text you or even take you out. He’s not obligated to. Your communication with him does not have to be daily. People have lives, but people make time for what they want, especially men. If things are not official, then don’t expect anything from him.
Take It Slow
Having a strong connection with a potential beau can be exciting and lead to moving too fast. I sure did. No man can deny that I was caring and sweet, but now I know that I was giving men attention and time that they didn’t ask for or want. I was all in when they were still deciding whether they were taking me seriously. Now I know not to commit myself to a man until he asks for that commitment.
Let the man take charge
If that man wants you, he will pursue you. Looking too eager or dominating the courtship can push a man away. I would often initiate dates or even call when I wasn’t being called at all. Things cannot be one sided. Now I know to sit back and let the man show me that he wants to be around.
My best friend called me with a dilemma this afternoon. Yesterday, her 14-year-old mentee sent her a video message crying, saying that she’d broken up with her boyfriend. She wasn’t able to talk on the phone, but after sending my friend texts of the relationship-ending conversation she had with her boyfriend, she wanted only one question answered: How do you get over heartbreak?
That question proved as equally perplexing for my friend to answer as it was to be the person seeking said knowledge. My friend began to beat herself up as she realized at more than twice her mentee’s age, she wasn’t sure she’d found the key to mending a broken heart herself. I, too, drew a blank. Though my bestie and I certainly had enough experience to be authorities on the subject, for the most part, the only thing we’ve become experts at is coping — and not always in the healthiest ways — but actually getting over heartbreak? How does one do that? And is the answer that much different for a girl of 14 versus a woman of 30-something?
“I’m not sure you ever get over heartbreak,” I posited after swallowing the hard pill that wine was neither the answer for my friend’s mentee or for us, though we’d tried our hardest over the years to make it so. “I think a breakup is like the death of a loved one,” I added. “It always stays with you, but you find ways to move forward in spite of it.” Though I had no doubt the words I spoke would be of little comfort to a teenage girl experiencing her first heartbreak, I believed what I said. Our heartbreaks always stay with us. When you’ve faced the pain head on and moved forward, they’re called memories; when you’ve buried the hurt and continued to relive the experience over and over again, it’s called baggage.
But that was a discussion for another day. We weren’t talking about a grown woman who’d lived long enough to know there were better days ahead, we were talking about a young girl who wanted answers — and relief — right away. On the spot, all I could come up with was what I meant to be a comforting fact: there are many more experiences for this girl to have and one day she’ll look back on this one relationship and see why things didn’t work out, and that that was for the best. It wasn’t exactly the kind of thought that would immediately dry up tears on a soaked pillow, but I can personally attest to the peace that comes over one’s soul when they see the path the object of their unrequited affection has taken in life and how detrimental that journey would be to their own. But again, that little tidbit would likely do nothing to to assure a budding woman that one day she wouldn’t always feel like she does now.
And so, I want to pose this question to you. Women, who’ve experienced at least one heartbreak in their life and lived to talk about it. What would you tell a 14-year-old girl about heartbreak?
In this week’s episode of Did Y’all See, we’re talking about relationships. Damaged ones, ones that are worth working on and the brand new ones. First up, it’s Iyanla Vanzant explaining why she never wants to be married again because marriages are not equal partnerships. Then Shar Jackson and her relationship with her daughter and what our own mothers have taught us about heartbreak. And lastly, whether or not it’s tacky for couples getting married in the courthouse to have a gift registry.
And for a little levity, a game of Who’d You Rather between Cam Newton and Serge Ibaka.
Dating can be rough. No one knows that better than these celebs who have been through the relationship wringer. And while they were busy grieving, griping and getting over it they shared these words of inspiration on Instagram for fans going through the same thing.
Keyshia Cole’s very public divorce with Daniel Gibson has been rough. But after her rocky rebound with Cash Money CEO Birdman, Keyshia wants her fans to know that you don’t have to let heartbreak change who you are (even after an arrest).
Have you ever thought that the city you love in has something to do with your love life? Finding a scapegoat for your unhappy love life can just feel good. Who doesn’t want someone to blame, so why not the city you live in?
A recent study by CreditDonkey.com assessed cities across America to see where love goes wrong most often. Four factors were considered by city in this report:
- The average length of marriage by state is a sign of how happy people are in their committed relationships. The national average is 19.4 years, which isn’t bad. And the shortest marriages are found in our nation’s capital, Washington DC, with just 12.4 years. Maybe politics and love don’t make such good bed fellows.
- The Gallup Healthways Well-being Index assesses healthy behavior, as well as emotional and physical health among other things for people in 152 cities across the US. If you’re happily married or in love, you’re more likely to rank well on this index.
- The number of dating services shows the demand for singles services in a city. It might also point to one way to cope with breaking-up, as the newly single search for love again.
- The number of gonorrhea cases reported by the Center for Disease Control was looked as a reason why people break-up. When you think about it, if you’re in amonogamous relationship, you aren’t likely to contract venereal disease that spreads through multiple partners.
Read more on dating and location at YourTango.com
Being a girl, growing into a woman is no easy task. There are a lot of bumps and bruises, twists and turns that just come with the territory. While we wouldn’t trade being a woman for anything, there are certain things we’re happy we never have to relive again.
I’ve been sitting back looking at this whole Chriannarueche love triangle come together and fall apart, and what I see are a bunch of immature adults playing kid games. They follow and unfollow each other on Twitter, Matt Kemp and Drake get pulled into the mix via Instagram likes whenever it seems Rihanna has something to prove to the torn Brown, and in the process reputations are built and hearts (and egos) get broken. The problem with playing head games is that they can escalate into situations that can do a lot of damage over what is usually in the end something very trivial. For example, I’m sure during that whole bar brawl that involved Chris Brown and Drake that Riri’s name was thrown around as ammo to hit some nerves. It happens everyday; if this were an episode of “The First 48,” Matt Kemp could easily be a gunshot victim, Chris Brown would be in a jail cell with nothing but his defeated ego to keep him company and Rihanna would be crying in an interrogation room with in front of some overweight detective about how “it wasn’t supposed to go this far.”
Maybe I’m being extreme, but women don’t realize how these shallow moments of insecurity and need for validation quickly grow into intense altercations. Although all the parties involved are technically adults, I’m reminded of my late teens when I’d call up my ex every time my boyfriend and I argued, knowing damn well I wasn’t interested, but just wanted to feel well…wanted. I get it. It’s harder to be the bigger person when you feel betrayed, belittled and embarrassed. It’s hard to not let your emotions dictate your actions and think logically when so many of your feelings are invested.
But think about it: What you are really accomplishing in the long run? When you make it difficult for the father of his kids to see his children and run back and forth to court knowing damn well he is doing the best he can financially and emotionally, but you feel some of way because he is dating someone new, who are you really hurting? When you try to make a violently dramatic relationship work and keep the cops on speed dial for “domestic” disputes knowing full well you will drop the charges, how seriously do you expect the law to take women whose lives are really at risk from abusive spouses? When you have no respect for a man’s feelings and simply call him up to keep you company whenever the man you really want leaves you high and dry after he uses you, how can you expect anyone to truly love and respect you?
It’s all about learning to live with and love yourself. When I see women play games like the ones it seems Rihanna plays with men, all I see is a woman who constantly needs company and validation. We have to find the courage and the honesty to say, “I’m hurt. I feel like an idiot,” instead of trying to cover the pain with subliminal Facebook status updates and profound Instagram quotes like, “Examine what you tolerate.” In the process of loving hard, but putting up a front of keeping your cool when it all falls apart the only one who ends up looking silly is you, because through all of those subliminal tweets and pictures of you partying and supposedly loving your life we all can see someone desperately trying to cover pain and rejection. There’s a certain class and sophistication that comes with being real or just not responding to drama at all. When rumors fly about Jay cheating, do you see Beyonce sub-tweeting other women? No, because she refuses to make her relationship entertainment for the viewing public trying to get through the boring hours of the workday. In return, hate her and her relationship all you want, but you any rumors about her relationship end up falling apart because she’s not giving you anything to speculate about. In fact, the times I respect Rihanna the most is when she’s vulnerable and honest, like during her Oprah interview. Because the truth is love and relationships are all about breaking down your ego, being hurt and played like a fool. You have to be vulnerable in order to ever feel joy, and that means feeling some pain. People can relate to that and understand that, but when you’re so busy trying to be the baddest b**ch that can easily move on and save face, you only end up looking like a loser at your own game.
So the next time you feel compelled to start an unnecessary argument with your man just to see how far he’ll go to prove his love, or Facebook beef with the new girlfriend who’s pretty talented and only guilty of loving the same deadbeat who is leading the both of you on, take a minute to think about what you’re really feeling. Is that anger really jealousy? Is that confidence as fleeting as the man who gives it you? Only then, when you’re able to identify and express what you’re truly going through, will you realize that there are no winners when it comes to playing love games. And that the only way to get what you want is to grow up, be honest and play fair.
Have you ever played “head games” to save face in a relationship?
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator whelping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog Bullets and Blessings .
A break-up is a fairly difficult experience to get past. The thought of no longer being with a person whom you once loved. The embarrassment or shame that sometimes comes with informing your family and friends that your “we” has just become a me – myself, and I. A bad break-up can certainly be among the most heart-gripping experiences that we as humans endure, and while Hollywood loves selling the myth that getting over your ex is as simple as over-indulging in a tub of ice cream, crying over your favorite playlist of sad love songs, and throwing darts at a photo of your ex, in the real world, we know that this simply isn’t true. These cliché and romanticized methods for dealing with a break-up are actually counterproductive, among countless others. If you’ve recently experienced a break-up or are simply struggling to get over your ex, here are 15 common behaviors that are most likely hindering your progress.
Monitoring your ex’s social media profiles
I know how tempting it is, and I’ve been there. But checking your ex’s social media profiles to see what he’s been up to is not such a smart move if you’re serious about getting over him. For one, you run the risk of having your feelings hurt by seeing things that you don’t want to and were never supposed to see, such as photos of him with or flirty interactions between him and a new love interest. It’s a horrible feeling, take it from someone who’s been there. If you have it in you, I suggest deleting him from your friend’s list completely. If you can’t bring yourself to hit delete, that’s okay, too. Just begin practicing self-control and don’t give in to the urge to check his page. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
If there was one thing I used to resent myself for, it was the way that I would fight tooth and nail to hold together a relationship that was clearly over. I mean, I would be so emotionally worn-out by the time I finally accepted that the relationship was coming to an end. Not even because of the nature of the break up, but because of how hard I would fight to hold everything together. I never slowed down long enough to even ask myself if there was anything left in the relationship worth saving. All I knew was that I was about to lose something, and I don’t like losing things. I would be like an insane person, sitting at a table with a pile of broken glass from a shattered mirror in front of me. With my fingers all cut up and bleeding, I’d attempt to glue the slivers of glass that once formed the mirror back together. Of course, in the end, I’d never achieve the goal of putting the mirror (relationship) back together fully, at least not permanently anyway, because in many cases, once it’s broken, it’s broken.
One day, it dawned on me that once a season (or relationship) is over, there’s not much you can do to bring it back and sometimes attempting to do anything and everything to piece it back together only makes things more painful and strained. As I reflect on past relationships, it amazes me how much emotional energy could have been saved and pain that could’ve been avoided if I just accepted the fact that the relationship had simply run its course and it was time to move on. I also eventually realized that we sometimes aren’t even actually fighting for the person themselves, but for what being with them represents and against what not being with them symbolizes. We commonly associate break-ups with failure because to some of us, it means admitting that we were wrong–wrong about a person we trusted. It means admitting that while we thought this person was the one, we somehow miscalculated something, somewhere along the way.
Cutting your losses and moving on doesn’t mean that you didn’t love or care about the person because you’re being realistic about the fact that it’s over. It just means you love yourself enough not to constantly subject yourself to the pain of forcing something that’s finished. Everywhere you turn, we’re being told that love is worth fighting for and while I do believe this is true, there are some instances when fighting against a break-up is only prolonging the inevitable, especially when the other party makes it clear that they have no interest in salvaging what’s left of the relationship.
Breaking up doesn’t always require crying, begging, pleading, struggling or even getting indignant. You don’t have to always do something to spite the person just because they hurt you. You don’t have to seek revenge. You don’t have to struggle to make that person stay with you, because the truth of the matter is that when a person desires to end a relationship, they’re gone long before they actually leave anyway. Sometimes breaking up means being mature enough to understand that the love is gone and and it’s best for your growth as a person and happiness if you move forward. Sometimes it means being lady enough to depart from where you’re no longer desired, but recognizing that somewhere down the road you’ll meet someone who will. Sometimes it means leaving with your dignity in tact. Sometimes breaking up simply means taking a deep breath and letting go.
Follow Jazmine on Twitter @jazminedenise
All photos are courtesy of Shutterstock
There’s no knowing how a man will react after you break up with him. The calmest man can go AWOL. The most enthusiastic man, silent. Through their behavior post-breakup, some men make you regret your decision to leave them. Others make you realize just how right you were to call it quits. But one thing is for certain: you never really know a man, until you’ve broken up with him. So, what does your ex’s behavior say about him?