All Articles Tagged "heartbreak"
I’ve been sitting back looking at this whole Chriannarueche love triangle come together and fall apart, and what I see are a bunch of immature adults playing kid games. They follow and unfollow each other on Twitter, Matt Kemp and Drake get pulled into the mix via Instagram likes whenever it seems Rihanna has something to prove to the torn Brown, and in the process reputations are built and hearts (and egos) get broken. The problem with playing head games is that they can escalate into situations that can do a lot of damage over what is usually in the end something very trivial. For example, I’m sure during that whole bar brawl that involved Chris Brown and Drake that Riri’s name was thrown around as ammo to hit some nerves. It happens everyday; if this were an episode of “The First 48,” Matt Kemp could easily be a gunshot victim, Chris Brown would be in a jail cell with nothing but his defeated ego to keep him company and Rihanna would be crying in an interrogation room with in front of some overweight detective about how “it wasn’t supposed to go this far.”
Maybe I’m being extreme, but women don’t realize how these shallow moments of insecurity and need for validation quickly grow into intense altercations. Although all the parties involved are technically adults, I’m reminded of my late teens when I’d call up my ex every time my boyfriend and I argued, knowing damn well I wasn’t interested, but just wanted to feel well…wanted. I get it. It’s harder to be the bigger person when you feel betrayed, belittled and embarrassed. It’s hard to not let your emotions dictate your actions and think logically when so many of your feelings are invested.
But think about it: What you are really accomplishing in the long run? When you make it difficult for the father of his kids to see his children and run back and forth to court knowing damn well he is doing the best he can financially and emotionally, but you feel some of way because he is dating someone new, who are you really hurting? When you try to make a violently dramatic relationship work and keep the cops on speed dial for “domestic” disputes knowing full well you will drop the charges, how seriously do you expect the law to take women whose lives are really at risk from abusive spouses? When you have no respect for a man’s feelings and simply call him up to keep you company whenever the man you really want leaves you high and dry after he uses you, how can you expect anyone to truly love and respect you?
It’s all about learning to live with and love yourself. When I see women play games like the ones it seems Rihanna plays with men, all I see is a woman who constantly needs company and validation. We have to find the courage and the honesty to say, “I’m hurt. I feel like an idiot,” instead of trying to cover the pain with subliminal Facebook status updates and profound Instagram quotes like, “Examine what you tolerate.” In the process of loving hard, but putting up a front of keeping your cool when it all falls apart the only one who ends up looking silly is you, because through all of those subliminal tweets and pictures of you partying and supposedly loving your life we all can see someone desperately trying to cover pain and rejection. There’s a certain class and sophistication that comes with being real or just not responding to drama at all. When rumors fly about Jay cheating, do you see Beyonce sub-tweeting other women? No, because she refuses to make her relationship entertainment for the viewing public trying to get through the boring hours of the workday. In return, hate her and her relationship all you want, but you any rumors about her relationship end up falling apart because she’s not giving you anything to speculate about. In fact, the times I respect Rihanna the most is when she’s vulnerable and honest, like during her Oprah interview. Because the truth is love and relationships are all about breaking down your ego, being hurt and played like a fool. You have to be vulnerable in order to ever feel joy, and that means feeling some pain. People can relate to that and understand that, but when you’re so busy trying to be the baddest b**ch that can easily move on and save face, you only end up looking like a loser at your own game.
So the next time you feel compelled to start an unnecessary argument with your man just to see how far he’ll go to prove his love, or Facebook beef with the new girlfriend who’s pretty talented and only guilty of loving the same deadbeat who is leading the both of you on, take a minute to think about what you’re really feeling. Is that anger really jealousy? Is that confidence as fleeting as the man who gives it you? Only then, when you’re able to identify and express what you’re truly going through, will you realize that there are no winners when it comes to playing love games. And that the only way to get what you want is to grow up, be honest and play fair.
Have you ever played “head games” to save face in a relationship?
Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator whelping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog Bullets and Blessings .
A break-up is a fairly difficult experience to get past. The thought of no longer being with a person whom you once loved. The embarrassment or shame that sometimes comes with informing your family and friends that your “we” has just become a me – myself, and I. A bad break-up can certainly be among the most heart-gripping experiences that we as humans endure, and while Hollywood loves selling the myth that getting over your ex is as simple as over-indulging in a tub of ice cream, crying over your favorite playlist of sad love songs, and throwing darts at a photo of your ex, in the real world, we know that this simply isn’t true. These cliché and romanticized methods for dealing with a break-up are actually counterproductive, among countless others. If you’ve recently experienced a break-up or are simply struggling to get over your ex, here are 15 common behaviors that are most likely hindering your progress.
Monitoring your ex’s social media profiles
I know how tempting it is, and I’ve been there. But checking your ex’s social media profiles to see what he’s been up to is not such a smart move if you’re serious about getting over him. For one, you run the risk of having your feelings hurt by seeing things that you don’t want to and were never supposed to see, such as photos of him with or flirty interactions between him and a new love interest. It’s a horrible feeling, take it from someone who’s been there. If you have it in you, I suggest deleting him from your friend’s list completely. If you can’t bring yourself to hit delete, that’s okay, too. Just begin practicing self-control and don’t give in to the urge to check his page. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
If there was one thing I used to resent myself for, it was the way that I would fight tooth and nail to hold together a relationship that was clearly over. I mean, I would be so emotionally worn-out by the time I finally accepted that the relationship was coming to an end. Not even because of the nature of the break up, but because of how hard I would fight to hold everything together. I never slowed down long enough to even ask myself if there was anything left in the relationship worth saving. All I knew was that I was about to lose something, and I don’t like losing things. I would be like an insane person, sitting at a table with a pile of broken glass from a shattered mirror in front of me. With my fingers all cut up and bleeding, I’d attempt to glue the slivers of glass that once formed the mirror back together. Of course, in the end, I’d never achieve the goal of putting the mirror (relationship) back together fully, at least not permanently anyway, because in many cases, once it’s broken, it’s broken.
One day, it dawned on me that once a season (or relationship) is over, there’s not much you can do to bring it back and sometimes attempting to do anything and everything to piece it back together only makes things more painful and strained. As I reflect on past relationships, it amazes me how much emotional energy could have been saved and pain that could’ve been avoided if I just accepted the fact that the relationship had simply run its course and it was time to move on. I also eventually realized that we sometimes aren’t even actually fighting for the person themselves, but for what being with them represents and against what not being with them symbolizes. We commonly associate break-ups with failure because to some of us, it means admitting that we were wrong–wrong about a person we trusted. It means admitting that while we thought this person was the one, we somehow miscalculated something, somewhere along the way.
Cutting your losses and moving on doesn’t mean that you didn’t love or care about the person because you’re being realistic about the fact that it’s over. It just means you love yourself enough not to constantly subject yourself to the pain of forcing something that’s finished. Everywhere you turn, we’re being told that love is worth fighting for and while I do believe this is true, there are some instances when fighting against a break-up is only prolonging the inevitable, especially when the other party makes it clear that they have no interest in salvaging what’s left of the relationship.
Breaking up doesn’t always require crying, begging, pleading, struggling or even getting indignant. You don’t have to always do something to spite the person just because they hurt you. You don’t have to seek revenge. You don’t have to struggle to make that person stay with you, because the truth of the matter is that when a person desires to end a relationship, they’re gone long before they actually leave anyway. Sometimes breaking up means being mature enough to understand that the love is gone and and it’s best for your growth as a person and happiness if you move forward. Sometimes it means being lady enough to depart from where you’re no longer desired, but recognizing that somewhere down the road you’ll meet someone who will. Sometimes it means leaving with your dignity in tact. Sometimes breaking up simply means taking a deep breath and letting go.
Follow Jazmine on Twitter @jazminedenise
All photos are courtesy of Shutterstock
There’s no knowing how a man will react after you break up with him. The calmest man can go AWOL. The most enthusiastic man, silent. Through their behavior post-breakup, some men make you regret your decision to leave them. Others make you realize just how right you were to call it quits. But one thing is for certain: you never really know a man, until you’ve broken up with him. So, what does your ex’s behavior say about him?
Let’s get this out of the way: most people cannot be friends with their ex on Facebook. It takes a person with an absurd amount of self control to watch their ex’s life pass by on Facebook, day in and day out, and not send a message eventually. It can slow down your healing process tenfold. It can depress you. However, if you’re passed the point of being emotionally drained, being friends with your ex on Facebook can shed a lot of light on that relationship for you. Here’s why.
Think you’re weaker after a breakup than anybody else? Think again. A breakup is like any sickness: all the same symptoms come along, no matter who you are. Trust me, everybody has to fight every fiber in their body to not do these things when heartbroken.
Have you ever outwardly forgiven a friend or family member for some horrible offense they’ve committed against you while you inwardly still held a grudge about it? I have and it isn’t a pretty sight. Claiming to have forgiven a person while you are inwardly harboring feelings of resentment is not something that is always done with malicious intents and motives. One of the more popular examples of this is currently the strange relationship that has been depicted between Jackie and Laura of “Basketball Wives: LA,” where Laura pretends to be okay with Jackie to her face although she doesn’t actually care for her. Many have accredited Laura’s actions to being insincere or phony; however, it seems that most of her actions are a result of “unforgiveness.” In some cases you may actually posses the will and desire to forgive a person, but your heart is still healing and you’re having trouble doing so. Unaddressed feelings of resentment and “unforgiveness” have a tendency to fester and materialize into thoughts of revenge, and we already know that our thoughts can quickly become our actions. Not sure you’ve fully forgiven that person who hurt you? That’s okay, feelings and emotions can be difficult to decode sometimes, but lucky for you we are here to help. Check out nine signs that you have not fully forgiven a person even though you think you may have.
Overcoming trust related issues is one of the biggest challenges that a couple can come up against. It is an emotionally draining situation for both parties involved and unfortunately plays a major role in the demise of many relationships. Having been a person who has struggled with trust in the past, I realize that this can sometimes be a difficult mindset to break away from; however it is not impossible. If you find that you too struggle with trusting your partner, here are a few tips that just may help you out.
We’ve all been there. That thrilling yet uneasy moment when we log onto Facebook and see the little red numerical notifying you that some face from your past wants to be “friends.” Curiosity gets the best of you and you click approve and proceed to browse through his life, see what he’s done since you parted ways two years ago. Soon after, you get the inevitable brief message, a testing of the waters via a simple “how have you been?” You respond cordially, and before you can fully process what is happening, you’ve exchanged back and forth messages about his best friend getting married, your cousin joining the army, and updates about life and happenings over a few weeks time. At once you realize you could, if not for the history of your once adjoined loins, call him a friend. But, should you?
Finding friendship in the Ex Files can be a strange and murky land to navigate, a kind of haziness between the love, like or lust you once shared, and the abhorrence and complete avoidance of anything remotely involving them. Most say “we’ll be friends” to step around shattering the bond completely, to enable access to one another without the responsibility of guarding each others’ feelings. Sometimes though, you genuinely feel he adds value to your life by being in it. And on occasion, it works. You both go back to being buddies or begin a new a friendship, platonic and with boundaries in tact, and all is well. Other times, remaining or becoming friends with an ex requires more careful consideration. When it comes to those instances, keep these three factors in mind:
The Status Factor
Whether you are single or in a long-term love, your relationship status is important. If you’re both single, you run the risk of falling back into “couple mode,” knee-deep in the mental space where how long he takes to respond to your texts matters, and suddenly you find yourself waking up next to each other after an “innocent” game night with friends. Even if you’re both free, sleeping with an ex can cause grief. More than likely, there is a very specific reason (or a plural set thereof) as to why he is an ex. And when sex gets involved, these reasons have a tendency to reacquaint themselves with your nerves … quickly.
If one or both of you are in a relationship, it can be even more challenging. You run the risk of having to answer the ever present “why” questions your partner is bound to have. Why do you still need this person in your life? Why is their friendship that important? Why are they texting you x many times a day? These questions can be exhausting to you and make your partner feel uneasy at the same time. Considering what’s worth the headache and what’s not is imperative when in a relationship.
The Forgiveness Factor
Sometimes you may think you–and your heart–have moved on from the pain of a relationship’s split. Recalling the apathetic tone and uncaring eyes used when he expressed his disinterest in continuing your relationship with no more stings. Remembering the amazing disappearing act he pulled by vanishing into thin air (or into a private Facebook page) doesn’t make uninvited tears leak down the sides of your cheeks anymore. So you, wanting to be emotionally progressive and all “water under the bridge” about things, attempt to form a friendship. Not two past before all of a sudden the negative emotions rush in like aggressive tide, and you realize that your inkling to curse him to high heaven whenever you see his face in person or in pixel, may have uncovered some latent anger. If you haven’t forgiven your ex for whatever crimes he or she committed against your heart, friendship will not be possible, and may never be.
The Feelings Factor
Every once in a while you meet someone spectacular. So spectacular that you feel as though The Creator sculpted them, down to the hairless chest, love of red velvet cake and slightly obsessive Nas fandom, especially for you. You share your soul, allow them to inhabit the deepest parts of you emotionally, physically, spiritually. But for whatever reason the universe deems, the relationship doesn’t last. Being friends with the ex you were truly, madly, deeply in love with is one that requires many moments of quiet, of careful consideration. Feelings once that strong tend to dissipate slowly, and at times, quite painstakingly. Allowing this person to re-enter your life, even for business matters, is best done after time has filled the space where the love for them resided with a bevy of other things: hobbies, a new love interest, a self-discovery, or simply a clean and unfeeling slate, so that you are not at risk of any heart ventricles stopping when you see them again.
Being friends with an ex can be rewarding, redeeming and a relief to discover you were better off as friends. It could all be so simple… But if any of the three factors above sound like a page out of your journal, I’d say, tread carefully.
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I need some advice. I’m currently single and I’m thinking about being single for the next ten years. I’ve had my heartbroken really bad and it makes me want to give up on trying to have a boyfriend or a significant other. People say that seems highly unlikely since I’m only 23 years old and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Yet, I feel like this is what’s best for me in this stage of my life. The last guy put me through so much I honestly can’t do it again. I wanted to know your thoughts. Do you think I should spend the rest of my life collecting cats and sitting at home alone? Or do you think I should give it another try?