Most women have heard that you should never change for the sake of a relationship. To some women, changing for a man is like admitting that you are desperate and one step away from settling for any man with a job. After all, if you’re so fabulous you shouldn’t have to change, right? Wrong. I’ve recently learned that changing for someone isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Here’s why.

Single women have certain ‘single woman traits,’ just as many women in successful relationships possess certain characteristics. When you’re single, you think for you. When in a relationship, you have to think for two. And these thoughts will usually have to accompany a bit of change.

I am an avid lover of “me time.” I think every woman should have it. When I’m single, I can have as much “me time” as I’d like without letting a man know when and why I need space and time. This love of my own space got in the way of one of my recent situations. Not because the guy I was seriously dating at the time was against it, but because I didn’t communicate it to him very well.

I’ve always prided myself on going after what I want and working tirelessly to get it.

This ‘go hard’ attitude is okay while I’m single, but has gotten in the way of relationships. Not because men didn’t want a hard working woman but because I didn’t make the time to balance work and a relationship.

Every time a man would question me about my lack of time, I would get defensive. I thought they wanted me to change who I was (my career and ambition); but instead they wanted me to change how I did it. And now when I revisit the situations in my mind, I see areas where I could have improved.

These are only two of the ways I let my single-girl-selfishness interfere with my relationships. These things are more obvious, but there are other things that are much more subtle. Most single women have adapted to being single, and rightfully so. We learn to take care of ourselves and be self-sufficient. Unfortunately,  sometimes these habits put us first and leave the men trying to get close to us, behind.

So if a man tells you that you’re too into you and not as in to him; before you give him the eye, consider what he’s saying. I learned to change things about me that I actually didn’t think were bad while I was single, but realized they were like a death sentence to a relationship. This didn’t mean I changed who I was, I just changed some things that I did.

Has being in a relationship ever revealed things you needed to change about yourself?

What kind of childhood would a kid have without their own website? A pretty horrible one by Hollywood standards. Little Monroe and Morrocan Cannon have one (Dembabies.com), and on it, mom and dad shared some new pics of the growing twins and their happy family. In the first photo, mom and dad are chilling in their convertible (with the “M” for Mariah on the seats…and her signature butterfly) while the kiddies sit (and stand) in their laps. They’re getting so big!

Source: http://dembabies.com

And in the second picture, the twins are having playtime in a pile of toilet paper. On paper, it sounds gross, but in photo shoot form, it’s adorable! If you don’t agree, then we can’t be looking at the same picture. Check it out!

Source: http://dembabies.com

Yep, Roc and Roe are definitely growing up fast and looking a lot like mom and dad. Seems the parentals are getting them started early in the business with these cute little photoshoots and lavish parties. I’m sure they’ll be little superstars in no time…

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While having a recent conversation with a guy friend about relationships, I went on my single girl tirade of how there is a lack of dateable men, at least that are of interest to me. Emphasizing to him that single doesn’t equate to desperate, I proceeded to ‘check’ some of the traits in men that I simply found un-dateable. In the midst of my self- indulging chatter, my friend interrupted me and said “you sure do have a lot of reasons why you wouldn’t date a man, but what are the reasons he shouldn’t date you. Would you date yourself?’

Immediately I responded that I would, not fully understanding his question. He proceeded to say, that women, especially the educated and independent ones, have a plethora of reasons why they wouldn’t date some men, often failing to realize many of their own shortcomings.

“Yall look good on paper,” he said, referring to the degrees and the physical attributes; “But what about all the other stuff?”

Other stuff? Still not completely understanding what he meant, I guess my expression said it all. He then proceeded to say, “Y’all need to check yourself before you try to check a man.”

Umm…excuse me. Everyone knows that women, especially black women, usually get the short end of the stick when it comes to relationships, right? So what was he referring to? I then began to think of those little nuisances about myself that even I sometimes couldn’t stand. While I’ve certainly gotten better, and can now say that if the roles were reversed I would definitely date myself, it hasn’t always been that way.  And honestly it only changed when I decided that I needed to be the type of woman that I would want to date, when it came to relationships with the opposite sex.

Surprisingly when I was at my worst (as it relates to relationships), was also when I had the highest expectations in a man. I was a whiner, but I detested a man who complained. I wanted a man who was considerate, but I was suffering from the ‘princess syndrome’ and wasn’t open to a lot of compromise. I wanted a man to compliment me, but I rarely showed affection. Basically I wanted all of the traits in a man that I didn’t display myself. At the time I considered myself  educated, self-sufficient, and was steadily working on myself  physically, mentally and spiritually. I possibly  ‘looked good on paper’ to some men, but I probably wouldn’t have dated myself when it came to many of the emotional issues I was subtly dealing with.

If physical attributes and degrees made the woman, then there would be plenty of women who were considered good catches; but while these qualities are highly admirable in our superficial society, they won’t keep a relationship healthy if they are accompanied by  nagging, an unwillingness to compromise, overly-independent traits, and a surplus of  insecurities.

Self-evaluation, in any capacity, is instrumental to growth; and the same is true in relationships. So before you run down your list of ‘don’t date him girl’ rules, consider your own attitude, outside of the superficial, and ask yourself the magic question: if the roles were reversed, “would you date yourself?”

More on Madame Noire!

• True Life: I Was Dating a Man With a Secret…
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(Fast  Company) — The business world is obsessed with “talent” — hiring it, retaining it, rewarding it. We’re urged to “get the right people on the bus.” (And, really, what better symbol of the high-performing enterprise than a bus?) The metaphor implies that good workers are portable units of competence. They can bring their talent to your bus or your competitor’s bus, but ultimately, it’s their prize to bestow.

Read  More…

(Fast  Company) — The business world is obsessed with “talent” — hiring it, retaining it, rewarding it. We’re urged to “get the right people on the bus.” (And, really, what better symbol of the high-performing enterprise than a bus?) The metaphor implies that good workers are portable units of competence. They can bring their talent to your bus or your competitor’s bus, but ultimately, it’s their prize to bestow.

Read  More…