All Articles Tagged "girlfriend"
Every relationship we have — even if it does not end in marital bliss — is a learning experience. Through trial and error, I have discovered what it takes to be a fantastic girlfriend.
For some men, straying is in their genes, and you really can’t do anything about it, nor should you try. If he is the unfaithful type, let him go. As for the others, who may exhibit a glimmer of hope or simply have commitment in their DNA, the following reminders may be useful:
1. Remember: It’s a man’s nature to look. Don’t go psycho just because you see him looking or talking to another female. Remember, it is in a man’s nature to look. If he doesn’t touch and you don’t get jealous, it will keep him wanting you more. He will then work harder to keep your relationship going.
Same thing with nagging. When you continuously nag it will only annoy him more and then the nagging can turn into resentment. If you ask him to do something for you, do it once and then be patient. The screaming approach has never worked.
2. Avoid “fatal attraction” calling. Calling him over and over makes it look like you have nothing else going on in your life and thus are more needy than independent. Also, don’t stalk him by any social media sites. That never goes down well either.
Read more on YourTango.com.
You may remember, a year ago, I wrote about being the girlfriend to a man in an open marriage. Well, it’s a little over a year later of being in a relationship with an open married man. It’s funny, because I looked at the two previous articles I wrote about this relationship, and I was almost embarrassed by how blinded I was; how in love I was. I dived in head first into a man and a lifestyle I knew nothing about. Did I drown? No. But I do feel as if I was doing the dead man’s float for a while.
This year taught me so much. I learned that open relating, first and foremost, does not mean multiple partners. It means honest relating. So, while I may use open and “multiple” simultaneously in this article, honesty is the priority. I am a stronger, more aware person than I was before entering into this relationship. I have grown into a woman who knows what I need in a relationship and who knows what I can’t handle in a relationship. I grew into a more honest person in regards to my feelings. I learned how to open up and express myself freely. I know that his purpose in my life was for my personal growth and for that, I am thankful. But while, I am thankful for the growth and self-discovery, all the other sh!t is not what I want nor is it what I will accept anymore. Not in this situation at least. A messed up person will be a messed up person—whether in an open, poly, or monogamous relationship. Nothing will change.
With all that being said, I am leaving the open relationship. I love him, but I do not like a large part of the person I grew to know. I tried to accept and understand a lot, but there was always something. There was always someone. I knew he was in an open marriage and dating three women when we started. I didn’t realize there was going to be an open door clause in the relationship. There was always a new story of a woman he told he loved just so he could get her in bed; a new story of a woman flipping out on him in the midst of an online class he teaches for his organization or on his Facebook page; a broken promise brought on with more women. Stories of pregnancies, clients as lovers, it was continuous. It was stressful. It was tiring. It was not the fact he was open that was my problem. It was the fact he was demonstrating Slore-ish behaviors and not open and honest behaviors. It was ego driven and not heart driven. As soon as my heart would get right with US, something would take place to tell my spirit it was wrong. It would never be US. Because of who he was seen as, who he wanted to be, there would always be people involved in our relationship. There would always be gossip. There would always be stories I didn’t want to hear or he didn’t want me to hear. It would always be EVERYONE.
He took you out once. That was perfect. He told you you’re “so beautiful.” That was sweet. He kissed you. That gave you butterflies. He said, “I can see myself with you.” That made your heart skip a beat and your mind race to marriage. He listened when you were distressed over that horrible situation plaguing your life. That comforted you. He cuddled and watched television with you a few times. That felt so good. He’s funny. He seems genuine. He has potential. How cute.
And those are reasons to sleep with him? Those are reasons to cook for him and clean his apartment as if your name were on the lease? Those are reasons to shut out thoughts of any other possibilities for your love life? Those are reasons to compromise pieces of yourself that you sometimes worry that you shouldn’t have compromised?
Baby girl, you’re doing too much and he’s not doing enough. You know how I know? Because I’ve been that girl. You got so wrapped up in his primary packaging that you didn’t bother to look inside. You were sold. It looked good. At first. It felt good. At first. But “at first” is long gone and so is the spark and you’re not sure why he’s not doing all the things he was doing before. You’re wondering why you no longer seem to be a priority. You’re a little crushed but keeping Melanie Fiona on replay is bolstering your spirit just enough to keep truckin’ along. You still wonder though.
Take it from someone who has been a semi-consistent victim of her own overly active emotions: If he didn’t have to earn it, he won’t honor it. More than once I was so eager to be in love that I took off from my starting block before the gun even got in the air, let alone fired a shot. That kind of impatience – especially when dealing with love – WILL backfire and leave you losing. Every time.
And don’t misunderstand. This is not about playing games. It is however, about guarding your heart and your emotions until the he proves that not only are his intentions honorable but that he will consistently honor YOU. You will never get to that point of assurance if you’re filling girlfriend shoes without him ever having actively given you the title. Or picking out “His and Hers” bath towels and he hasn’t even thought about putting a ring on it.
Much of the hurt we face when dating is a result of our own impatience and need for affection when, as a mentor of mine once said, “Patience reveals all deception.” If he’s for real, you’ll be able to see consistency in his actions over time. If he’s just putting on a mask to get the good-good, then time will tell that as well. Whether young or old, patience has never been anything but a virtue. And in the case of love, wouldn’t you rather keep some mystery about yourself, guard your heart and make him work for your love than to give it away off the strength of a cheap date? To give a man who has not proven worthy access to you physically and/or mentally is like making small tears in your view of your own value. What are you worth? A few drinks at a swanky bar? A few compliments about your hair? What’s your price? Or are you invaluable?
Listen to: “Earn My Affection” by Amel Larrieux
I’ll answer for you. You’re invaluable. But that is a fact you have to know for yourself and refuse to accept any treatment that suggests less – even from yourself. Exercise some patience. Let him work for it. Don’t put yourself in compromising positions. If you know you might sleep with him prematurely, don’t go to his house. Insist on active dates. If you know you’re prone to getting too drawn in emotionally too soon, steel your mindset against getting too attached too soon and enlist the help of your girls for support.
Women hold more power than we give ourselves credit for. Men follow our lead. Let’s be absolutely convinced of our worth with our actions and interactions as evidence. Then, men will have no choice but to be convinced as well and either manifest cowardice by shrinking back, wanting something easy OR stepping up to the plate and earning our affections.
La Truly’s writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change among young women through her writing. Check her out on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.
Altruism is the unselfish concern for the wellbeing of others, and it’s something that we should all aspire to practice. We do volunteer work with an altruistic mind and we give to charities, in theory, for altruistic purposes. True, altruism requires some form of self-sacrifice. However, if that self-sacrifice interferes with your own wellbeing then you should reevaluate. The same is true in relationships, especially if you’re giving way too much. If this is happening, you might need to take a step back.
My sister-friend asked me to go shopping with her, which is something I normally do not like to do. However, she wanted to pick up some things for her boyfriend and wanted me to help her pick them out. As our day went on, I realized that we were running his errands, and I began to get irritated. I was down for helping her buy him a gift or if she just wanted to do something special for her man, but when it became apparent that she was acting as his assistant, and not his girlfriend, I was over it. (We even bought him a razor and toothpaste!) And, she was using her own money. The final straw came when it was time for lunch and she said she couldn’t afford the restaurant I suggested.
Read more on Essence.com.
Who doesn’t love a one-woman-man rapper story? This morning, Big Sean showed Hot 97′s Angie Martinez he’s different from the rest in more ways than one when he went against the different-woman-every-night rapper grain and gushed over his love for his girlfriend.
He told the host:
“I got somebody special. I ain’t just out here ratchet running through all of these little h*es after the shows. I got something special.”
So who is this someone special? Let him tell you:
“The girl that I’m real serious with is the girl I had a crush on since I was 15. So now I got her — eventually. I always tried to get at her and she had a boyfriend. I had a girlfriend too, but I was running wild back then. One day, I said ‘You got to stop playing and hop on this. What’s up?!’ I said that in so many words. So she was like ‘Man you are crazy,’ so I took her out everyday for like a week.”
Awww. I bet it didn’t take much for his girlfriend to hop on swag like that. Though the two have been caught in a few candids out and about, it’s going to be a little minute before we see them on the red carpet together. Big Sean told Angie:
“I would take her to the Grammy’s but I am going to take my mom first. She’s the reason why I am here.”
A rapper who loves his mama and his woman? I didn’t think they made ‘em like that anymore.
A big part of the celebrity world is who’s dating who and while we love knowing the latest flings in Hollywood, let’s go a little bit deeper. After looking at popular celebs, it’s clear that some of them tend to date certain types of people. Here are 15 celebrities who have a specific type.
Prince seems to be attracted to ethnically ambiguous women. Manuela Testolini, Mayte Garcia, and Sheila E. are all hard to look at and determine their true ethnicity.
Sometimes you never really see it coming – the “Friends with Benefits” situation. After all, he’s cool, a lot of fun to hang out with and there’s an attraction there that could go either way, depending on what day of the week it is. You think he’s cute, he’s not seeing anyone and neither are you and then BAM! – after maybe one too many, you have sex. And the sex is good. Really good. So you decide to do it again, and again…and maybe one more time. Next thing you know, you’re friends with benefits (FWB)…and everything is groovy.
Until…one of you catches feelings. Most of us know someone who has found herself in this situation wondering how she got there – and how she can either get out of it, or how she can take it to the next level. If she’s fallen for the guy, yet he’s stated over and over again that they’re “just kickin’ it” or that he’s not ready for a relationship, chances are you will never go from the FWB situation to full girlfriend status. But it IS possible. Sure, this may happen in RARE cases, especially if he has intimacy issues or commitment phobia – in which case I advise you to let it go and heal your broken heart. But if you feel that the chemistry between you suggests that there might be a chance at real love, here are some things you can do to test the waters to see if you can go from FWB to wifey.
Dr. McDreamy, a.k.a. Patrick Dempsey isn’t the only fine actor on ABC’s hit drama “Grey’s Anatomy.” The half-Swedish, half-African American Jesse Williams who plays surgeon Jackson Avery could easily give him a run for his money, but only one of these handsome men is still on the market and it’s not the latter.
On Saturday, Jesse, 31, tied the knot with his long-time girlfriend, Aryn Drake-Lee, 32, in Los Angeles in a romantic evening ceremony, according to PEOPLE.
“Jesse was beaming with joy throughout the entire ceremony,” a wedding guest told the mag. “It was the perfect night with lots of smiling, laughing and emotion. You could feel the love they have for each other. They’re madly in love!”
Jesse and his real estate broker wife have been together for more than five years. They met during his pre-”Grey’s” days when Jesse was just a schoolteacher in New York, not considered one of the hottest celebrities in the biz, although I bet plenty of his middle and high school students were in love with him.
The fact that Jesse didn’t go all Hollywood and snatch up a new industry woman when he got his big break makes this union even more sweet. Congrats to the newlyweds!
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I was having a conversation with my boyfriend last night, and in the midst of trying to take out the garbage, put tape over the mysterious hole that popped up on my blow-up mattress (it didn’t help), and holding the phone at my ear at the same time, he told me a very interesting story that we both thought would be good to share for debate. It went something like this:
While having a conversation at work with his colleague, said colleague told my boyfriend that while watching Olympic coverage of women’s beach volleyball with his girlfriend, he became impressed with the frames of the ladies playing. They were bikini clad, sweaty, and in his eyes, HOT. In a moment of admiration, while sitting next to his lady mind you, he said, “Those girls look shapely.” For the most part, these stout yet lean athletes trounce around in a bikini where the most coverage they get clothing wise comes in the form of the sunglasses they put on to avoid getting sand in their eyes. Even when they play covered up, everything is as tight as tight can be. They have strong thighs, abs, and for a man, they’re women jumping around and up and down on TV–can you say jackpot???
Well, it was for homeboy, but not for his girlfriend. Instead of shrugging his comment off or agreeing with him, she took it as a slight on her appearance, an appearance that included a waistline, which had allegedly increased over a span of nine months in their nearly two year relationship. In response, she said something to the effect of, “Well, maybe you should go be with one of them then…” Since then this colleague has been getting crap from his girlfriend about the comment, though he claims the statement wasn’t directed at her, nor had he made any comments to her about her size in the past. But as one of those guys who consistently hits the gym to keep his frame lean and sculpted, that didn’t mean he hadn’t noticed her weight gain though. And clearly she had too.
It was obvious that this man’s girlfriend had her own insecurities about her weight, that’s why any comment that had to do with another woman’s shape in a more than favorable way had this young woman tightly wound and ready to cut her eyes, huff and puff and remind him of his “egregious” comment every time he thought she had forgot. Clearly, the “I didn’t mean it like that” response just wasn’t going to cut it this time around.
My boyfriend tried to do his best to offer advice to the confused fella, and as we went over the conversation, in my head, all I could think of was how messy that small situation had turned out to be. All of a sudden we were debating the best way for this man to say something to his girlfriend about her weight gain, and in reality, there didn’t seem to be a good way at all.
I don’t know what it is about it, but these days, when it comes to a woman’s size, unless she’s uncomfortably obese to a point that she’s ill and needs an A&E-type intervention, the best way to get a woman to do something about her weight is to let her come to the realization that she needs to on her own. As someone whose gone through the up and down positive and negative feelings about myself after battling massive weight gain post-college, I can say the only way to really commit to being active and trying to live and eat better is to come to the conclusion that you want better. It becomes ten times easier to do so when you know that other people will support you. Seriously, it’s something that just needs to bother a woman enough to make her want to change on her own.
Having a conversation with yourself about your body is a lot different from a man, a mother, whoever, pointing out the extra roll of fat around your waist or the increasing width of your a**. Instead of getting you motivated to hit the nearest Bally Total Fitness, Lifetime Fitness, Crunch, Gold’s Gym or whatever is in your area, when the man you love tells you that you need to do something about your weight, it more or less makes you want to retreat back into the kitchen to drown your sorrows in a bowl of Edy’s cookies and cream. Okay, okay, a whole carton if you’re really feeling bad. Motivation isn’t what you get, instead you take on added insecurities as you wonder how he sees you, if you look good enough, if he’s looking at other women often and more. And that insecurity can just make the relationship a paranoid, easily irritated, walking-on-eggshells tumultuous one that nobody will be happy in.
If I could offer any advice to my boyfriend’s co-worker, I would tell him to just apologize for the fact that she took his words as a hit on her looks, and to remind her that at almost two years together, he’s clearly not worried about anyone else, nor does he want anyone else but her. Follow that up with some kisses, hugs, and maybe a roll in the hay. But if he really does find himself with big issues when it comes to her even bigger weight, he better be ready to hit the gym with her and be as supportive as possible. Instead of coming outright and making her feel like the Pillsbury Dough girl, he needs to find a way to encourage her to work out with him, and they both need to eat better together. Keyword, together. Because simply saying, “I mean, I’m just saying, you’ve gained a little weight” won’t help her, or get him anywhere but possibly alone. Or better yet, alone in a kitchen covering a bruised eye with a bag of vegetables and his best steak…
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Let’s face it: Men have their pride and women have their drive. It’s just our own manmade law of nature (sort of like the, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ type analogy). When the two meet at the crossroads of life (say, after college, at the beginning of your career or in-transition professionally), it can become a clash of the titans, where relationship roles are put to the test.
Whether you have a better salary than your mate or are helping him break into the job market to no avail, eventually the differences in income and growth, mixed in with a little bit of pride, becomes an issue that must be discussed to keep the relationship thriving. Not saying that you must stroke your man’s ego or take a pay-cut for his own contentment, but it might be something you need to discuss.
Could your man’s pride get in the way of being a future power couple? Here are a few signs to tell whether your man is intimated by your success (OR signs that he is intimated by his own possible success!)