All Articles Tagged "getting over a breakup"
Sometimes it’s not the boyfriend that’s hard to say goodbye to, or the consistent sex, or the person you could text all day long. Sometimes it’s his family. As a good girlfriend, you integrated yourself into your now-ex’s family. You learned about them, let them learn about you, made yourself helpful, accepted their help, maybe even traveled with them and were privy to some of their most intimate moments and issues. They became your family, and family is a hard thing to let go of. But you have to if you’re going to take care of the most important person: yourself. Here’s how.
For the most part after a breakup, you’re a big ball of mush. You just want to cry, stay in bed and feel sorry for yourself. And that’s a natural and important part of the healing process. However, there’s a little part of you that’s mad—the ever strong, sassy, “who the h*ll did he think he was?” part of you that needs to get out once in a while! You need to nurture her too, you know? Here’s how.
When you’re going through a breakup, sometimes you want to cry, sometimes you want to scream, and sometimes you want to break things or drive past your ex’s house, and there’s only one thing that makes any of those things feel a little less crazy: a complimentary song. These are our top picks for best post-breakup songs.
Everyone who comes into your life is either a blessing or a lesson. I’ve had my share of both, and in essence, everyone was a blessing since the lesson is the blessing. I never regret a relationship. I do sometimes regret my own actions that may have hurt another person, but in any relationship that goes sour, if nothing else, it has taught me what I don’t want in a mate.
I’ve learned a bunch of lessons that when applied make me much happier and at peace in my interactions, yet one of the most simple, and least followed pieces of advice I’ve heard is this.
Things that leave you feeling bad, do less of. Things that leave you feeling good, do more of.
Many of us live in the moment. We convince ourselves that even though the relationship has brought us more bad than good, Mr. or Mrs. Right Now will suffice for the night, or the month, or the year. And when we do end the dreaded fiasco, we find ourselves back in his or her life one Friday night when we had nothing better to do. We convince ourselves that although nothing good has ever happened after 2am, tonight will be different and so instead of going home to bed, we have one more drink, locate the number that should have long ago been deleted, and send that text.
I’m guilty of falling victim to past loves like a drug addiction I just can’t shake. But any recovering addict will tell you, the greatest struggle is in the mind. In order to get over an old habit, you have to replace it with an equally satisfying good habit.
It’s not enough to simply learn a lesson. We have to find practical ways to apply it if we really want to see change in our behaviors. My last love affair ended because I didn’t see a long term future in the works for us. Let’s call him Omar. I enjoyed him in the present, but I knew the present was all we would ever have. My problem was that when the weekend rolled around, as much as I wanted to be the woman who had plans since Tuesday, I simply wasn’t, and boredom often got the best of me. I would call Omar, spend the evening with him and wind up feeling drained and let down after it was all said and done. “What? I did this again?” was a recurring question I asked myself. Whether the question referred to dinner, a movie, or sex, I scolded myself for allowing him to linger in my life.
So like a good parent, I took away my own privileges. I call when I’m vulnerable, lonely, or bored, so the quick and easy way to eliminate that possibility was to delete his number. Done.
Secondly, I decided to make a list of the bad qualities in Omar and all of the reasons I decided to end my relationship with him as a reminder to not go back. I tucked that list under my pillow and read it every night before I went to bed. After time, the bad things were all I could remember and those feelings of desire subsided.
Lastly, I made plans for myself to fill my downtime doing things I loved and was interested in doing. I signed up for a free class to hone my creative side. I found fun events to attend in the city, even solo. I made time to reconnect with old friends and family who really had my best interests at heart.
I’m not an member of the independent woman, “I don’t need a man” club. I enjoy men. I prefer to have one in my life, if it’s a relationship that edifies me. But one last great piece of advice I heard from TD Jakes is this: When the man of your dreams does find you, let him find you …busy.
Herina Ayot is a freelance writer living in Jersey City by way of New York. She tweets @ReeExperience.
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By La Truly
Yes, I’ve been breaking my own heart over the years. Not that I’ve tumbled through a laundry list worth of relationships to come to this realization, because the first page wouldn’t even be complete in my Little Black Book. I chalk that up to being a shy, spastic, late-blooming bookworm. Having started dating at 19, most of the few relationships I did cultivate all shared one thing: at some point they ended with a wide range of heartbreak that went from “Hurt But Frontin’ Like It’s All Good” pain to “Ugly Crying For Two Weeks With Little To No Food, Replaying Every Sad Love Song Written In The Last Decade” sadness.
I didn’t notice a pattern back then and I had a group of girlfriends who coddled me and protected my feelings swearing that “He wasn’t worth my time,” whenever a courtship/relationship would combust in imaginary flames. I was never the problem in my narrow mind. Let’s be real, sometimes we walk around feeling as though there is something wrong with EVERY man we involve ourselves with, but just looking at that rationally, it makes absolutely no sense. There’s always a common thread that runs through all of our mistakes as well as our triumphs. The only common denominator in all… one, two, three, four, FIVE of my previous relationship distresses… was me.
After reviewing my early twenties – the weeping and/or cussing a little (OK, a LOT), the frustrated, sleepless, Häagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche-sponsored nights – it finally hit me like a ton of bricks exactly how I had gotten so far gone. Breaking my own heart has been one of the easiest things I’ve unknowingly learned how to do since I started dating all those years ago. It’s an easy practice if you build up extreme expectations before you even know each other’s last name; or if you overlook clear red flags of incompatibility; OR better yet, if you are more into the idea of a relationship than you are into the guy. Who’s guilty? *raises both hands*
I’ve ignored the fact that he had absolutely NONE of the same interests because I was enamored by his great job and how tidy he was. I’ve pushed aside the fact that he was a drunken party rat who only ever teetered on the edge of sobriety when he had to take his mother to church once or twice a year. And still, I’ve copied and pasted over that major flaw with the fact that he told me I was beautiful and he paid his bills on time. *Sigh and a shake of the head*
These men (sometimes, boys) were showing me who they were from the gate. But being the young, naïve, passionate Aries that I was, I ignored all clear warning signs making my heartbreak inevitable. Then, I would have the nerve to sulk and inhale whole pints of ice cream after I had – say it with me – broken my OWN heart. The fact that a man may not be the right one for me is nobody’s fault. Trying to MAKE him the one was MY fault, as an overly eager woman.
Looking back, I was so pressed to experience love that I would see a man with ONE good quality and run with that without any further investigation or forethought. I had one speed: Go. I set myself up for an unavoidable fall every single time.
Now, at 26-years-old with a deeper, more secure sense of self and a more honest/objective lens, inspecting my life and guarding my heart is Priority Numero Uno. I’m not so quick to get involved with any ol’ body for the sake of being involved. It’ll happen when it’s right. I am more aware of my emotions and I check all outrageous expectations at the door. I’ve had enough of self-inflicted heartbreak and when you’ve had enough and you know better, you do better.La Truly is a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself and a passion for young women’s empowerment, La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change through her writing. Check out her thoughts/jokes/rants on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.
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The problem with heartbreak is that, you have to feel the pain. There is no painkiller of heartbreak that doesn’t come with serious side effects. Alcohol, random sex or jumping into a new relationship all—as you’ve probably experienced—just leave you hurting ten times as much as you did before. Because of this inevitable pain, many women crawl into a hole after a heartbreak, and never go back out to find someone new. Here’s a little bit about that mentality, and why it just doesn’t work.
“I don’t want to get serious again until I want to get married”
That’s the only way to guarantee there will be no heartbreak, right? That’s why so many women say this. But, there are a number of reasons why this just doesn’t work out. There are plenty of people who’ve been separated or divorced, that will tell you, you can get hurt, and probably even more so, once you’re in a marriage.
“You’re my rebound.” Ever heard these words? No? That’s because no one says them. To say them would be in opposition to the whole point of rebounding, which is to deny and avoid your feelings about a breakup. No one will ever admit you’re their rebound boo, so sometimes you just have to look for the signs and in the end, decide if you’re okay with that status. For instance…
He encourages you to go away
You mention a trip you’ve been invited on, or a school or job you’re considering applying to in another city, and he enthusiastically encourages you to go. Essentially, he never wants you making any decisions based on him, nothing that will make you too attached—like staying in his town to be with him. Keep an eye out for signs that he clearly does not want to be a part of your long- term plans.
You are going to feel like a fool many, many times in your life when it comes to love. You’re going to lose sleep trying to decode the guy whose been dragging you along—who loved you one day and ignored you the next. Every guy will seem unique to you but, it’s actually easier if you know this: They’re all the same. Or rather, the men that break your heart will seem like the same and most likely fall into one of the following categories.
The desire to text an ex can feel like an unstoppable force, especially if you’re intoxicated. Whether liberated by liquor or emotionally needy, here are some sobering thoughts to make you put down that that phone….
Have you ever had a man you COULD NOT get out of your head? You thought time and distance might cure the longing but things didn’t change. In fact, they got worse.
Find out what a relationship expert has to say about this troubling predicament and how to get out of it at Your Tango.com.
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