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If you’re a fan of many reality shows, lately it seems that at least ONE man from a series or two has been accused of being on the DL. If you watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta, that accusation was hurled at Walter. If you watch Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta, K. Michelle has accused both Kurt and Mimi’s new man of being gay. Regardless of society’s acceptance of homosexuality, it seems accusing a woman’s man of being gay is an outright sign of disrespect. However, it’s an even bigger blow if the accusation turns out to be true. We’ve seen it with Terry McMillan and Dina McGreevey, both of whose ex-husbands later revealed that they were, indeed, gay.

I often wondered how a woman could not know that her man is gay. While we stereotypically view gay men as flamboyant, cross dressing wannabe females, not all gay men display what are typically considered to be “gay tendencies.” Some gay men, like recently out-of-the-closet NBA player Jason Collins, are your average, athletic, masculine men who date women. Even Jason Collins’ ex said she had no idea that he was gay. So what is a woman with broken “gaydar” to do? There is no sure-fire way to tell if your man might secretly be into men, but here are a few clues that you might want to look out for if you have your suspicions.

Source: Shutterstock

From YourTango

By Rick Clemons

Now, I can laugh at this thought. Still, just a little over twelve years ago, I would have said the same thing, “I’m not gay, I just like having sex with men!” Ahem, excuse me that sounds a little homosexual to me. Granted, if you’re a male, having sex with a male, you could be bi-sexual, so just admit it and move on. Yet, I didn’t fit that mold twelve years ago, either. I was caught in a dysfunctional sexual limbo that made no sense.

Of course, now things have changed, and it all makes sense…I’m a happy homosexual. I’ve joined the ranks of “Happily Divorced,” and am no longer messing around with other married men, disengaging from the experience, and pretending to be something I’m not. However, contrary to popular belief there are more from whence I came…married men, looking for married men!

Shocking as it may seem to some of you, this phenomena is not new, nor a dwindling fad. Of course I have no cold hard facts to prove this statement, and I don’t need them. All I need is a computer, an Internet connection, and an hour of free time. With those three things at my disposal I can find numerous sites where married men for married men lurk. I can also join online groups where these guys exchange their stories, get support for their dual lives, and of course also find the occasional hook-up. And, then there’s online chat rooms, gay male hook-up sites, gay male apps, that also work for men who are married and just having sex with men, even though their not gay. After all why not fish where your most likely to hook one, especially when you can do it inconito!

Read more at YourTango.com

Source: Shutterstock

When I heard Carolyn Moos’ story, the woman who was engaged to gay, basketball player Jason Collins, I felt sorry for her but I couldn’t say I was exactly surprised. There are a lot of men, particularly black men, who are in severe denial about who they are. While Jason was wrong, he’s certainly not alone. I know that from personal experience. I’ve never been in a serious relationship with a gay man but in middle school and high school, the time when we become aware and start acting on our sexuality, three gay boys tried to date me.

I could take such advances as a threat to my womanhood; but instead, I realize the confusion and desperation these boys must have been feeling at the time. And for whatever reason, I was the “last resort” girl.

First there was Adam Baxter. I met Adam in 6th grade. He sang in choir with me and hung out with all girls except for one other boy, who we also assumed was gay…or at least bisexual. In addition to choir, Adam and I had a couple of classes together. We became fast friends because he was pretty hilarious. He’d literally sashay up to us, chest stuck out, wrist broken to share a quip, some gossip or a compliment about one of our outfits. And when our interactions were over, he’d swish away. These may sound like severely exaggerated characteristics, but I promise you that was his steelo. So imagine my surprise when one day, my friend told me that she and Adam were dating. Umm…ok. If she liked it, I loved it. After all, we were in sixth grade, the days when having a boyfriend was of supreme importance. I figured it was a relationship of convenience. It lasted a week.

Naturally, I assumed they broke up because she no longer wanted to date someone who was gay. But apparently, this wasn’t a conversation they’d ever had. Because two weeks later, as proper middle school dating decorum would dictate, Adam asked me out.

We were standing in the lunch line waiting for our tater tots and Fruitopia talking about something insignificant when all of a sudden Adam’s tone shifted. He looked in my eyes and said, “Veronica, do you want to go out with me?”  I couldn’t believe it. And before I even had time to give a polite response I blurted an appalled “No.” If I had any doubt that Adam wasn’t gay, his reaction to my rejection removed all doubt. The boy literally put his hand to his heart, dropped his jaw and said “Ugh.” I chuckled a bit to myself before I apologized and explained that I didn’t like him like that and we went back to being friends.

You could assume that Adam was just severely effeminate but by the time we got to high school, even though we went to separate schools, news of his “coming out” somehow made it back to me. Absolutely no surprise there.

After Adam there was Justin in 8^th grade. Just like Adam, Justin and I were really good friends. I didn’t know for sure that Justin was gay. I just knew that in 8^th grade, when the knuckleheads around me were trying desperately to assert their manhood, Justin was just a bit more sensitive. He asserted his like for me a little less aggressively. He sent an anonymous note that read:

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet. Guess who likes you?

Source: WENN

From Your Tango

By Samantha Escobar

One of my closest friends since way back in the eighth grade is gay, and growing up, the majority of my other close male friends were gay, as well. While our sexualities rarely came up unless we were discussing dating- or sex-related topics, I’ve sometimes wondered why so many of the men that I am closest to are gay, and I have often heard similar statements from other women, as well as several gay men who say that straight women make up a large percentage of their friends. So, why does this combination seem to work so well for so many people?

According to a recent study from the University of Texas and published in Evolutionary Psychology, there is evidence that the closeness felt between gay men and straight women is “rooted in the absence of deceptive mating motivations.” Because they are “free of hidden mating agendas,” says the study’s lead author Eric Russell, “they may be able to develop a deeper level of honesty because their relationship isn’t complicated by sexual attraction or mating competition.”

Read more on YourTango.com.

Source: WENN

Out of all the songs Frank Ocean could have performed on the Grammys, he choose “Forrest Gump.”

I’m not a huge fan of Ocean but I do like him. However, it is becoming increasingly harder and harder to defend him from the growing and legitimate chorus of folks, who wonder what the big deal is about him? I mean damn Ocean, you have tracks like “Pyramids” – okay, maybe that song might have been too long for a performance. However there is also “Sweet Life,” “Pilot Jones” and even “Super Rich Kids,” which to me has super crossover appeal. But Forrest Gump? Sorry, that was just a poor song choice – for the Grammys as well as the Channel Orange album.

And unfortunately for Ocean bad song choices like “Forrest Gump” is yielding himself to some very stiff criticism about if he is deserving of all the praises he has received in the industry. In the article, Is the Frank Ocean coronation premature?” Noel Murray writes:

“Full disclosure: I think Channel Orange is a good album, but I don’t think it’s a great one. It didn’t make my Top 15 albums list of 2012, nor did any song from it make my “Top 40 songs from albums not on my Top 15” list. I spent much of last year trying to love Channel Orange, but the record never took hold. I’m a fan of vintage pop and R&B, and generally like hearing people work within the traditions of the old while courting the cutting-edge, as Frank Ocean does. But while several songs from Channel Orange hit that sweet spot for me—in particular “Sweet Life,” which best exemplifies Ocean’s gift for wistful scene-setting—too much of the album sounds sketchy to me. I don’t think Ocean is a strong vocalist, and I think many of his observations about wealth, sex, and drugs are thuddingly obvious, however well-written.”

This is not the first article as of late, which has asked the same question. In the article, Frank Ocean is Boring: The Year Lifeless Music Found Critical Praise, Chris Chafin says that Ocean has “drained the sexiness and excitement out of R&B.” He writes,

“Channel Orange is listless in the extreme. On several tracks, Ocean seems barely to be keeping himself awake behind the microphone. That’s when you can actually hear his voice, which is often buried under layers of production. It’s hard to tell if this is intentional, or if Ocean is just unable to muster the strength to sing louder than his beats, no matter how much his producers turn them down.”

Unfortunately I have to agree. But for every underdeveloped (or in some cases overproduced) songs like “Lost,” “Pink Matters” or “Sierra Leone,” there are some really sophisticated gems like “Monk” and “Thinking About You,” which is why I can’t totally write him off. Overall, it is a not a classic album but pretty damn solid. However, I do believe that there was a lot of undo expectations put onto Ocean, which might not have been warranted. And this might have more to do with his reception within the industry than the music itself. Originally, there was this spirit among some critics and music writers of wanting to see this kid win. He was black, male, alternative and of has a questionable sexuality. This, according to most critics and music writers, made him an enigma in a musical (i.e. black) culture, which is largely regarded as being homophobic. The Washington Post determined that he was a game changer and music veterans like Jermaine Dupri christened him the savior of R&B. Not to mention that his six Grammy nominations pretty much solidified him among the top-tier of today’s musical artists. In essence, Ocean has become the musical version of Barack Obama, sent here to challenge and progress black music forward. And he has enough fans among critics eager to sell that including Pitchfork Magazine, which gave Channel Orange a very controversial 9.5 rating.

The thing is, though, if critics and music writers really wanted to endear themselves to a more eclectic and sexually diverse version of black music, there was really no need to create a savior in Ocean as there were already black LGBTQ artists already blazing trials on the black music scene. A few weeks ago, I was chatting with this really nice woman at a sewing party I went to. While we cut the patterns for the tights we were making, she asked me if I was going to go see Big Freedia, who had a upcoming show in city. I said no because I had no idea who a Big Freedia was. She paused, perhaps trying to find a way to explain Freedia (while also gauging my level of comfort with the LGBTQ community), and then told me that Big Freedia was a transgender artist, who is very popular within the bounce hip-hop music scene. She put on some of her music for me to get just a taste. I’ve been listening rather frequently ever since.

I won’t even insult your intelligence with a poor retelling of bounce music history because as I said, I just began familiarizing myself with the genre fairly recently. However, here is a New York Times article from a few years ago and a clip from a film, which documents the rise of the genre of music that was born out of the gay slums of New Orleans and features an appearance by Mannie Fresh from the group The Hot Boyz. What’s interesting to note is that while hip-hop as a culture has been infamously perceived as unwelcoming to homosexuality, a charge that I won’t necessarily dispute, this however doesn’t mean that there has not always been artists, who have been able to maneuver through those terrains and to create a receptive space for themselves within the genre. Folks like Sylvester, Meshell Ndegeocello and Rahsaan Patterson have all been able to find audiences within the black community. Is that kind of reception the norm? No, but a large part of the major reason why is that many of the same music critics and fans, much of whom act as the gatekeepers to what ultimately becomes the next best thing in music, don’t afford the same pedestals and opportunities to be change-agents in music to these artists, which has been given to the likes of Ocean.

What makes Ocean different is that he is pretty safe and comfortable for the masses. His sexuality, while alternative to the hyper-heterosexual landscape of Hip-Hop and R&B is not as flamboyant, brash and loud as say a Big Freedia or any of her bounce music counterparts. There is no threat of black booties, whether they be from the bodies of gay, straight or otherwise, twerking it out to a Frank Ocean song. As Chafin of the Village Voice noted, he is R&B without the actual sexiness.

Shutterstock

I’m not a gay man and I can’t pretend to speak on their behalf, but I have plenty of gay friends to know they aren’t all flaming, finger-snapping, neck-rolling stereotypes.  I may not completely understand being sexually attracted to the same sex personally, but I sure as hell know what gay ISN’T.

When the headline “Kevin Clash Gay, But Not Molestor: Accuser Recants Statement” hit the internet earlier this week, there was a part of me that was a mess of confusion and disappointment.  More so than being disgusted at the allegations made against the popular Elmo puppeteer, I was also jaded at the excitement the media seems to get off of including the word “gay” and “sexual predator” in the same sentence.  It reminds me of popular stereotypes in which gay men instantly get labeled as child molesters  or even use of the common disclaimer “No homo” when a man compliments another man’s appearance.  It’s not to say that there aren’t homosexual child molesters, but gay isn’t some kind of season pass to a world of promiscuous sex, leather chaps and deviant behavior.  Gay can mean a lot of things to a lot of people, but listed below are a few things that it just isn’t:

We have to get this clip over to Marlon Wayans asap because brotha doesn’t know just how sexay the ladies — and apparently gay men — think he is. Check out the chat we had with him after our NSFW game of Charades when we asked him how he feels about getting all sorts of metrosexual love, and more importantly why he’s surprised by it. Ol’ boy’s been sleeping on himself!

Source: Shutterstock.com

I’m not a gay man and I can’t pretend to speak on their behalf, but I have plenty of gay friends to know they aren’t all flaming, finger-snapping, neck-rolling stereotypes.  I may not completely understand being sexually attracted to the same sex personally, but I sure as hell know what gay ISN’T.

When the headline “Kevin Clash Gay, But Not Molestor: Accuser Recants Statement” hit the internet earlier this week, there was a part of me that was a mess of confusion and disappointment.  More so than being disgusted at the allegations made against the popular Elmo puppeteer, I was also jaded at the excitement the media seems to get off of including the word “gay” and “sexual predator” in the same sentence.  It reminds me of popular stereotypes in which gay men instantly get labeled as child molesters  or even use of the common disclaimer “No homo” when a man compliments another man’s appearance.  It’s not to say that there aren’t homosexual child molesters, but gay isn’t some kind of season pass to a world of promiscuous sex, leather chaps and deviant behavior.  Gay can mean a lot of things to a lot of people, but listed below are a few things that it just isn’t:

Source: uvtblog.com

So I finally got around to watching the pilot episode of “Hollywood Exes” and let me say, zzzzzzzzzz.

Bore-ring! This show lacks all the waywardness and flat out ratchet-ness we have come to associate from a reality show on VH1. There are no fistfights. There are no petty fights and name calling (thus far). No former strippers turned bougie housewives. And more importantly, the show has yet to exhibit the negative stereotypes of us that many black women have cried foul of as of late. That might be a good thing. For the most part, Nicole Murphy and the crew are pretty tame and chill. Yet, strangely I don’t care about any of these women – well, not enough to watch their boring lives play out for an hour on television.

Anyway, I’m like five minutes into the show and Kells’ (R. Kelly) ex-wife is in her bedroom, talking about her big move to LA. She’s meandering about with her personal assistant – a bald headed gay black man. As they fold clothes and pack stuff in suitcases, the man listens to how Andrea wants to start over and get an image away from Kells and how excited she is about…zzzzzzz.  Now there is nothing out of the ordinary about two people sharing a heart to heart with one another, even if it is with a “personal assistant.” But I’m sitting here, watching their interaction, thinking to myself: Why does everyone have a gay black man BFF? And why are all of their gay black BFFs in service to them in some way?

I mean, am I the only one who has noticed that most of these women-led reality TV shows features the quintessential gay manservants?  These men do everything: furnish apartments, do hair and makeup, personal shop for clothing, carry purses and luggage and act as a shoulder to cry on.  In most of these situations, we know nothing about the gay black man other than that he is sharp-tongued, stereotypically effeminate, and basically says “Gurl” and “Chile” a lot. Oh, and he is a loyal worker to his woman. Evelyn Lozada had one to help run her TV shoe “store.”  Tyra Banks had an army battalion of gay men to help her weed through her search for the next top model. And on the “Housewives” series (pick one, any one), there are like 2.5 gay sidekicks to every female character, doing makeup, training them at the gym and tossing their wigs for them. It’s like the gay sidekick has become hot new accessory on reality TV – like the new pocket dog or a Louis Vuitton knockoff.

By Sheena Bryant

Source: theafronews.ca

A few months ago, I went on a date with a gentleman who  really had me scratching my head. When I initially met him, I can recall thinking that he was perhaps more sensitive (aka, feminine) than most of the guys I engage. However, I decided to be nice and at least get to know him a little more before drawing any conclusions. I left my number with him and within a few days he’d arranged to take me to dinner at a restaurant I had been eager to try. While I had resolved to keep an open mind, in my head was the reality that I would need to see some unbridled manliness (whatever that is) during this date in order to be comfortable with seeing him for a second one.

The evening of the date, he greeted me with a single red rose, opened the passenger car door, waited until I was all buckled up before he returned to the driver’s seat (manners!) and we took off. We did the precursory small talk and enjoyed popular tunes courtesy of satellite radio. Not long after being on the road, he began to enthusiastically sing all of the songs. Now this perhaps might be cute and silly behavior for a boyfriend hanging out with his girlfriend, but amongst strangers it somehow struck me as awkward behavior. I could feel my discomfort levels rising, but—self-admittedly—I often have hyperbolic notions of masculinity so I tried to shirk my confusion. But THEN, Lil Kim’s  “Crush On You” came on, and this good sir bypassed all of Biggie’s part and Lil Cease’s lyrics and decided instead to passionately rap every word of Lil Kim’s verse, including the “I’ll be undressed in the bra all see through” portion. Major. Side eyes. Ensued.

As I sat on edge in the passenger seat, frantically wondering how I’d endure what I was sure would be a long night at this point, I tried to maintain my composure. The next 15 minutes or so were fine but as we got closer to our destination and began to look for a parking space, he blew my whole mind when he said “NO he don’t!” I turned toward him with the blankest of blank stares and asked, “What?” To which he replied, “Did you see what he was wearing?” I said no, and before I had time to mentally process this ridiculous-ness, he asked, “Do you have gay friends?”

Am I being “Punk’d”? Are my friends going to jump out from the bushes with Demi’s ex-love and camera crew at any moment? Sadly, that didn’t happen. But what did happen during the rest of the date was that the gentleman told me that one of his closest guy friends came out to him and consequently he had to stop being his friend because, “[he] can’t be friends with a gay man.” He later confessed that Eric Jerome Dickey is his favorite author, that he doesn’t like when women say that lots of men are gay, and he decided to stop talking mid- conversation because a Ne-Yo song came on and he felt the need to turn the volume all the way up and sing every word. In the end, he danced, AND clapped, like I have never seen ANY hetero man dance– EVER.

He was attractive, and a perfect gentleman, expressed no interest in playing games and appeared to be more interested in finding someone with whom he could see himself long-term. He was extremely financially stable, family oriented and held the same religious beliefs as I did, but of course, I knew I would not see him again. As we concluded the night, I was baffled by the idea that this man had sustained long-term committed relationships with women—that he actually sought them out and that women obliged. I had come to the conclusion that this man was gay or, at the very least, was far more effeminate than anyone I could ever be romantically involved with.

I walked into my home that night with so many questions swirling around in my head, because I knew I had seen men like him with many kinds of women. How is it that women comfortably date men who appear obviously gay? I think we all recognize that there are men who are charismatic and masculine, who exude sex appeal and aptly woo women, but who secretly desire and have sex with other men. It, perhaps, is understandable when a woman is duped by a man deeply, seriously on the down-low. However, what is to be said of women who willingly date men who exhibit characteristics more consistent with the behavior of the gay men in their lives rather than the heterosexual ones? Is it that the women honestly don’t notice? Is it that they’ve noticed, but because the man treats them well and has a lot going for him, they’re willing to overlook it? Is this even a matter worth discussing? In this day and age, it just might be.

Have you ever found yourself being seriously pursued by a man that you honestly thought was gay, or have you found yourself scratching your head because you knew someone who was dating a man who you were convinced was gay?

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