All Articles Tagged "friendship"
Friendships are time-consuming. When you’re young, you have time to go to Margarita Monday and Taco Tuesday and Sunday Funday and Sloppy Saturday every single week and you and your friends never even had a chance to say you miss each other — because you saw one another every single day. Today, though, you’re actually busy, and so, you have to be more selective with your time and your friendships. You may have thought it was just you, or your circle, but the truth is friendships change from your 20s to your 30s and here’s how it happens.
Have you ever dated someone who has friends that you spend a lot of time around, but when it comes to your buddies, he or she can’t be bothered?
It’s a frustrating situation to have to deal with, but not uncommon.
For instance, I was reading a story about a woman who had been dating her boyfriend for almost an entire year. She had met and hung out with most of his friends. Gone to the bar with them all, met their girlfriends and wives, gone on a couple’s trip and brought warm meals to potlucks at their homes for gatherings. She had made the effort to connect with individuals who are a big part of her boyfriend’s life. But on the flip side, he wasn’t doing the same for her.
He had met a few of her friends at her birthday party a few months earlier, but that was about it. She didn’t think he was enthusiastic about them when she would bring them up in conversation after the party, so she didn’t bring them around him much. When they were in the same room again briefly months later, he kept to himself.
So when one of her best friends invited her and her boyfriend to a “family reunion” gathering of sorts where all of her friends would come together and eat and drink and catch up, the young woman thought it would be the perfect opportunity for her boyfriend to really get to know her confreres.
But just a few hours before the shindig was set to begin, he backed out. He called her and told her he wouldn’t be able to go because, well, he didn’t want to and didn’t feel like it. After having a light argument about it, she went by herself and tried to tell her friends that he just wasn’t feeling well.
When she went to see him at his place afterward and asked him what his deal was, he confessed that he didn’t want to go not only because he was tired and felt like staying in, but also because he wasn’t too fond of the circle of women she hangs with. He realized this after meeting them at her birthday soiree. So, basically, whatever effort she was hoping he would make to get to know her BFFs, he wasn’t going to make anytime soon. So she was left frustrated and feeling like he was being very unfair. She said she didn’t know how to get him to be open to getting to know her friends.
And therein lies the struggle. You can’t make anyone do anything in a relationship. We’re all adults who have free will, and when we don’t want to do something, or better yet, be bothered, it’s hard for us to be persuaded otherwise. However, in a relationship, we sometimes have to do things we’re not really crazy about to keep the other party happy. To show them that we care. And most importantly, to keep the peace. It’s called compromise, and it’s not easy.
But in my opinion, all she can do is talk to him about it, let him know how she feels. She’s not asking him to dedicate a day every week of the year out to sitting with them over french toast and duck hash, but she is just asking him to grin and bear through a few drinks and chatter every once in a while. Letting him know that his lack of participation is a bit hurtful and could cause drama with her and her friends, leaving her stuck in the middle, is important. And maybe, to make these gatherings less uncomfortable, maybe he could invite along some of his own friends so that if he isn’t crazy about conversing with her girlfriends, he could, at least, have people to be social with and she could take comfort in the fact that they were able to bring important people from both of their lives together.
Whatever happens, she can’t keep going out of her way to be the girlfriend all his guy friends know and like if he’s not even interested in simply being the boyfriend her friends all know and can say they’ve actually been able to hold a simple conversation with once. And while we can’t always make everyone come together and like each other all of the time for the sake of love and harmony and all that mushy stuff, you definitely can’t do it if an effort isn’t even being made…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Is he petty for trying to duck and dodge her friends?
Being the mother of a tween girl in 2016 is no easy task. There are a multitude of dangers and pitfalls that await her that simply didn’t exist when I was her age. But no matter the decade, the friendship of young girls has remained the same. They are your first loves, heartbreaks and the meter by which you measure yourself. As a mother, I want so much to prepare my daughter for what is to come without being overbearing or crossing any boundaries. I know that she needs to experience a few things on her own because it will make her that much stronger. I also know that as she prepares to leave elementary school there are just few things that I think she needs to know before venturing off into the world of junior high school. If you’re a mom of a tween daughter, maybe you can relate to these gems.
It’s okay to have more than one “best friend”
Some people will say that best means “best” but I beg to differ. At your age, you need to get to know as many different types of people as possible. If you find you like to spend time with someone but your other bestie (even if your bff isn’t that fond of them) then you definitely should. There are some really great girls out there and you might miss out on key friendships if you only focus on hanging out with just one person.
They are going to hurt your feelings
Unfortunately, there’s no way around this one. At some point your friends will hurt you. Whether it’s on purpose or inadvertently, it will happen. And it’s up to you to decide how to respond. Just know that a true friend, when confronted with that fact, will apologize and make an effort not to repeat the offense. Anyone who doesn’t is not your friend.
You don’t have to be friends with everyone your friends are friends with
Sometimes you’ll find that you hang out with a group of girls and you may not really like all the girls in the group. And that’s okay. You don’t have to be friends with the same people your “best” friends are friends with. Feel free to branch out and spend time with the girls you do like…even if your bestie isn’t too sure about them.
They don’t know everything. You don’t either
It may seem that your friends have all the answers and there is always one “know it all” in the group, sometimes there are several. No matter how knowledgeable they seem, they aren’t the end-all-and-be-all to life’s questions…no matter how convincing they might sound. Also, just because you may know that they’re wrong doesn’t mean you have to be rude if you point that out. You can simply state that perhaps the correct answer might be XYZ.
Keep secrets / Don’t gossip
If someone says, ‘please don’t tell anyone else’ and swears you to it, stick to that. A key element of friendship is trust and you want your friends to stay friends so they feel like they can trust you with anything. Unless they are in danger or you know what they’re doing is wrong, keep it to yourself. If someone else approaches you with the same information, never let on you already know. Simply nod and move on, they are telling you that they can’t be trusted with secrets and you shouldn’t share with them.
I sincerely hope these simple tips will help my girl (and yours) sail somewhat unscathed into the tumultuous and dramatic world that is the life of pre-teen girls. It’s hard out there, and while I want her to enjoy her experience, I also want her to be smart about her friends, her words and her future.
(As Relayed To Lauren R.D. Fox)
In four months, I expect to give birth to my first child!
My boyfriend and I couldn’t be any more excited but despite it being one of the happiest times in our lives, my pregnancy has exposed some of our friendships to be weak.
For example, my best friend Emanuella was initially excited to hear about my pregnancy. But once it came time to plan my baby shower, our mutual friends told me she wasn’t interested in celebrating me, at all. Whenever they would discuss financing the shower, Emanuella would avoid answering how much she was willing to contribute. And, interestingly enough, Emanuella is planning a trip to Italy (at the same time) for her 30th birthday cruise.
Prior to my pregnancy Emanuella was supposed to travel to Buenos Aires with her boyfriend. Unfortunately, they broke up, and although she still had her ticket to go to Argentina she had no one to go with. That is, until I offered to go with her. At the time I didn’t know I was pregnant and was excited to dance on top of bars, reliving our college years, moment by moment. However those dreams were cut short with the news of my pregnancy and learning I have a weak cervix. My doctor recommended I be on bed rest and have minimal physical activity in order for me to have a full-term pregnancy.
Emanuella was understanding of my health issues and offered her support by visiting me regularly. Although during her visits she would often antagonize me about celebrating her birthday with her. I made suggestions for us to plan a brunch or variety of activities that wouldn’t require much physical activity but Emanuella thinks I should and can still attend her cruise. I tirelessly expressed to her that even if I wasn’t on bed rest, it would be a frivolous decision. With the money she would like me to spend on traveling for and celebrating her birthday, I could open a college-fund account for my child.
But, as per normal, she ignored me and even began to send maternity swimsuits for me to purchase. To add more insult to injury, Emanuella sent me several Facebook and Evite invitations to her cruise detailing the trip’s itinerary and financial payments. After receiving reminders for the invites, I wrote Emanuella a long letter stating how obliviously selfish she is and the stress she made me feel. Since then, Emanuella has stopped visiting and speaking to me.
Should I reach out?
Friendships are like most relationships: they involve a symbiosis, a delicate balance of give and take to make them work. Maintaining equity in a friendship is frequently difficult for healthy people; however, when you have friends with mental illness, the balance can get shifted more drastically than in other relationships.
I have two close friends with mental illness, Nicole and Ken. I actually have more friends with mental illness, but Nicole and Ken are the ones with whom I share the most. With Nicole, I usually share my workaday struggles living with bipolar. She has also experienced depression, so we can talk about our symptoms or our thinking patterns or how sometimes it’s hard to work. When we’re both feeling pretty well, our friendship is like any other. But when one of us is doing better than the other, there is tension, at least from me.
Friendship is about sharing and picking each other up when you’re down. It’s also about celebrating times when you’re up. When you have friends with mental illness, sometimes you don’t get to share your wins because you have to be there for someone’s losses. When I’m feeling well, I feel like I don’t want to hear about anyone’s bad times. I feel a little selfish for that, but when you’ve had an excruciating time maintaining a good mood, and that mood is tenuous at best, you feel like you need to do everything you can to protect yourself. Even if that means being less than available for a friend.
With Nicole, and I suppose with any friends with mental illness, its sometimes harder to connect with her down times when I’m not in the same position. Healthy me is so drastically different from depressed me — I act differently, I think differently, I dress differently, I do different activities — that it’s almost like I’m two distinct people. The two people barely know each other and I’d like to keep it that way. So I try to help Nicole when she’s depressed, suggest some solutions to her problems and bide my time until we can relate like “normal” people. By the way, I’m pretty sure she has similar feelings.
Ken and I have a different friendship. We have different mental illnesses so we can’t commiserate about how we feel, we can only talk to each other. When we are both well, we talk about our diseases, our prognoses and share details about our treatment. Mental illness isn’t the basis of our friendship, so we do talk about other things. That is, when we want to talk.
When I’m really depressed, I don’t talk to anyone. And when Ken is really anxious, he isolates as well. Our respective confinements may alleviate the type of situation that I have with Nicole, but they don’t exactly leave a lot of time for the friendship, which also annoys me. When I’m feeling well, I enjoy life so much but I’m unable to share that with a friend who isn’t responsive. Sometimes I am so disconnected from my depressed self, I wonder what I’d done to drive my friend away instead of understanding that he might be having a hard time. As with Nicole, I have a whole set of guilty feelings stemming from my disconnection with my depression.
All relationships require maintenance and effort from both parties in order to be sustained. Frustrations occur when one party doesn’t do what’s necessary for the relationship to continue satisfactorily. When you have friends with mental illness, or you have a mental illness, sometimes it is impossible to prioritize the friendship over your own issues. During those times, it’s best to maintain your health and keep communication open with your friends.
my great grandmother who’ll be 100 next month (on the right) & her best friend who is 102! 71 years of friendship ✨💫 pic.twitter.com/gZvhCiXa4v
— Kamari Copeland (@Kamaricopeland) February 9, 2016
Have you heard about Lil and Jane?
Lil is the great-grandmother of actress Kamari Copeland, and she will be 100 next month. (Yes, you read that right.) Even more astounding is the fact that Lil is best friends with Jane, who is 102, and the pair has been BFFs for 71 years. Best friends since 1945, back when they met as neighbors. Just when you thought you and your homegirl were doing big things by making it through high school and college together, these women have gone ahead and maintained their bond for seven whole decades. When told on camera that they look amazing to be in their 100s, Jane said, “We know it, we can’t help it.”
Adorable or nah?
The clip came about, according to the UK’s Metro, after Copeland’s mother, Alva, videotaped the pair while they were hanging out together. She sent the video to Kamari, and after the actress had posted it on Twitter, it went viral, giving everyone new #friendshipgoals.
When Kamari initially posted the clip, she remarked, “Really looking forward to having this for myself,” and I absolutely agree.
While people are more and more concerned with meeting Mr. Right and spending the rest of their days with him, we rarely talk about cultivating friendships that last for a lifetime and the benefits of having such relationships. In fact, we talk more about cutting off bad friends and keeping your group small than we do finding your soulmates in your friends, your Beaches BFF. But I wonder, out of all the people who currently comprise your friend circle, can you say that they are the type of people who will be in your corner for the long-term? Of course, we have no control over what is to come in life, but based on where things stand now, do you think the friends you have right now are your girls for life?
jane & grandma lil. these two babes went viral. friendship goals indeed 👌🏾 pic.twitter.com/yqnn9XhrPd
— Kamari Copeland (@Kamaricopeland) February 10, 2016
For instance, can you count on them to come through for you, not just when something terrible happens, but when you’re just going through things and need an ear or a shoulder?
Do they call you out, in a tactful way, when you do wrong? Do they help you grow as a person?
Do they alleviate stress or bring about more anxiety? Can you call on them when the world is getting on your last nerve and know that they’ll provide you with a hearty laugh?
Do you know that they’ll have your back and would whoop ass for you?
Do you have an understanding where even if you both don’t speak for some time, when you come back together and talk, while circumstances may have changed in your lives, it feels as though nothing has actually changed between the two of you?
If I’m being honest, I would say that I have about two friends who I could see myself growing old with, God willing. And that isn’t to say the other people in my circle and in my life are about to get kicked off the island. Not at all. But I can see time and life events distancing us down the line. I would be lying if I said that I see myself having a Lil and Jane relationship with all of the women I call a friend right now. But nonetheless, I love my girlfriends and hope that the seasons we have together are fruitful, and that they know if they need me, whenever that is, they can count on me.
How about you? Do you consider the people in your current friend circle to be long-term friendship material? Do you see them all as your girls for life?
As told to Veronica Wells
When I went away to school, I’d always be surprised to look at Facebook and see that everyone who I went to high school with, had found themselves in relationships with other people we went to high school with. I guess, it’s really not that much of a leap. In my hometown the pool is small. And if you never left, then your options are both familiar and limited. But they also make for good stories for the grandkids. “We’ve known each other since we were 14 years old.” or “I use tuh couldn’t stand your grandfather when we were kids.”
When I lost my job, I moved back in with my parents until I could get on my feet. And, among other things, I swore that I was not going to take that same path. I knew all of the men there and I knew what they did and didn’t have to offer.
But you know what they say, “Never say never.” After six months of a social life that included me trying to crash my parents’ date nights, I realized I needed to do something differently. So, I decided to accept my best friend’s offer/challenge to go out.
It was at one of these outings that I remembered that there was one hometown boy who I absolutely wouldn’t mind getting reacquainted with. Daryl.
Daryl, who was built even when we were teenagers, was a year older than me. Though I’d heard his name over and over and seen him around, we didn’t actually speak to one another until my junior year of high school, when he was a senior. We just so happened to be taking an elective journalism class together where I finally got the chance to put a personality to the legend that people made him out to be. The class was second semester. So, while we flirted a little bit and even went out once or twice in a group date, before either one of us could do anything about it, Daryl was graduating and leaving for college.
I can’t say I actively thought about him much over the past ten years but seeing him while I was out with my friends, I remembered how I used to have a thang for him. Emboldened by the alcohol, I approached Daryl that evening and it wasn’t long before we started dating. Things were going pretty well. While he was still fine as ever, he’d lost that “popular senior guy” appeal. And there were times when it seemed like he was yearning to get it back.
“You know I was a wild boy back in the day…” Usually, that would be the extent of the story. He’d raise his eyebrows knowingly and I’d smile awkwardly. I really didn’t need to know the extent of his hoe-ism.
One day though, his walk down memory lane got a little too personal.
“You know I used to be out here…ask your girls, they know,” he chuckled to himself afterward, shaking his head at his teenaged recklessness.
My girls?! What was he talking about? I was all ready to just dismiss this comment like all the other ones but I had to know.
“What do you mean my girls?”
“Your girls…the ones you came to the club with a couple of months back… Brixton and Robin.”
“How would they know?”
You might think that a man might feel a way about telling you something intimate and potentially embarrassing about himself and your friends, but Daryl relayed the story nonchalantly, like he was giving me the weather.
“Yeah a week before we graduated, all the girls were trying to…I don’t know be a part of the festivities, you know, celebrate the moment. We were at a house party and your girls lead me and a couple of my friends to the back room and we all took turns getting a little head or whatever.”
“Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday.”
The rest of that evening with Daryl was uneventful. We didn’t end our date right then and there but we might as well have because I had completely checked out. All I could think about was calling Robin and Brixton to get to the bottom of his story.
I called Brixton first. We’d known each other longer. She knew I liked Daryl back in high school. I was hoping that Daryl had simply been confused.
When I told her what he told me, she immediately busted out laughing.
“Girl, what?! I don’t know what Daryl is talking about or who he was thinking about but that NEVER happened.”
I sighed, a bit relieved. Before I could ask her my follow up questions, Brixton abruptly changed the subject. It was strange. If someone is going to lie about something you did sexually, most women are going to be pretty upset about it. That’s not something you get over quickly. And while I played along, I knew, before I got off the phone with her, that I was going to call Robin and see what she had to say about it.
“Robin, listen girl, I have to ask you a question. It’s a bit personal. Tonight Daryl told me this crazy story about you and Brixton giving him and his teammates head back in high school. Did that really happen or is he tripping?”
I was yearning for it not to be true.
I could hear Robin sigh heavily over the phone.
“Yeah girl, we did do that. I can’t speak for Brixton but I was real lost back then, just doing whatever. I still can’t really explain what that was about or what we were even thinking really.”
I asked her one more time for clarification.
“It was you and Brixton?”
“Yeah, the summer before we graduated.”
I was shocked. None of us were nuns but I would have never imagined they would have done anything like that or that it would have been a decade before I found out about it.
“Why didn’t you tell me when I started dating Daryl?”
Robin sighed again.
“Honestly girl, it’s embarrassing. And I kind of thought Brixton would be the one to tell you, since y’all are so close. But more than that, I was hoping no one would ever speak of it again. I know I certainly try to pretend like it never happened.”
I figured that was fair. I thanked her for her honesty, told her we all made stupid decisions in high school and hung up. Once I got past the fact that the story was actually true, I remembered Brixton’s denial of the incident. I wanted to believe that she was telling the truth but she had two witnesses against her. And neither one of them had anything to gain by lying. Brixton was the only one who might have thought she could save face and our friendship by pretending it didn’t happen.
Right now, I’m not so bothered by the fact that she sucked Daryl off. It was high school. It wasn’t full on intercourse. And more than anything, it’s more sad that infuriating. (It is a bit shady that she did that, knowing that I liked him in high school.) What gets me though is the fact that she, my friend, would 1, not tell me that it happened once she saw Daryl and I had started talking again and 2, that she would lie about the whole thing, as if there weren’t people, several of them to say what really did happen.
As long as we’ve been friends, her behavior is making me question our whole friendship. What else could she or what else has she lied about?
I recently caught up with one of my best girlfriends, Sarah*, and she was quite upset. A couple of Sundays ago, she got into a bit of an altercation with one of our mutual friends, April*. April has this new friend, Tasha*, and Sarah isn’t too crazy about her. They tolerate each other when they have to be in one another’s presence, but Sarah tries her best to stay as far away from Tasha as possible. Apparently, April began to notice how quiet Sarah becomes when Tasha comes around, and she decided to confront her about it. Now, Sarah has never been one to bite her tongue, so if you ask her a question, you should be prepared for an honest answer and if you’re not ready for that honest answer, don’t ask. Unfortunately, April learned that lesson the hard way.
Sarah shared her reasons for keeping her distance from Tasha and asked to change the subject. However, according to Sarah, April continued to interrogate her about it. From the sounds of it, April spent quite a bit of time telling Sarah how wrong she was for disliking Tasha and well, things went left. The conversation ended with April and Sarah at odds with one another.
As I listened to the story, I kept thinking to myself, “But, it doesn’t have to be this way.” Sure, it sucks when your friends don’t like each other, but honestly, I feel like we’re a little too old to be running back and forth like, “Why don’t you like so and so?” And getting into arguments over it? Who the heck has time for that? If it were me in April’s position, I probably would have opted to mind my business, but that’s just me. My coworkers, however, had mixed feelings on the subject. Some said that they wouldn’t get involved while others said that it would bother them knowing that their friends weren’t getting along.
What about you? Does it bother you when your friends are at odds? Would you try to intervene?
As told to Veronica Wells
We’ve always heard the adage that you shouldn’t listen to people who haven’t been where you’ve been, done what you’ve done, or walked in your shoes. If we took the time to evaluate that statement, we’d realize how untrue it really is. If we were to follow this sentiment, no one would be qualified to give us advice. And whether we’ve experienced this personally or not, the wise council of women, from various backgrounds and experiences, can not only be helpful, but life altering.
Those aren’t the messages we receive though. Instead, we hear about the bitter, single woman who is jealous of our relationship and doesn’t want us to be happy. Blame it on misogyny or patriarchy or the school of thought that says a woman needs a man to be happy. And since she is unhappy without a man she’s going to try to bring you down with her. And to take it a step further, if she’s really diabolical she’ll try to break y’all up so she can have said man for herself. It’s another way society teaches us to compete for the affections of men, viewing our friends, our sisters as nothing more than jealous, back-biting, untrustworthy competition.
We’ve all had friends who got involved with shady, shiesty dudes. Men who didn’t appreciate, respect or treat them like they deserve. But homegirl is so in love, lust or infatuation that she can’t seem to see any of this. When her friends try to warn her about this dude, her words fall on deaf ears. The situation is compounded when the woman telling her friend about her man is single. This happened recently with two women, two former coworkers, Ashley and Nicole. Their strange friendship got off to a very rocky start. But absence makes the heart grown fonder. And they found that if they didn’t have to see each other they could be quite civil, pleasant even.
Before Nicole left her old job, Ashley told her that she had started dating a new man who, for the purpose of this story, we’ll call Roger.
Roger, at 45-years-old, is a bit older than Ashley at 32. But that’s the way she likes it. In telling Ashley about her budding relationship, there were some things that immediately sent up red flags.
At 45-years-old, Roger was always in a hurry to hang out with his homeboys. He would have plans with Ashley and cancel because something with his homeboys came up. He was so close to his friends that he became furious, enraged even, just telling Ashley how one of his friends’ wife had kept them from hanging out one evening.
When he wasn’t preoccupied with his buddies and did interact with Ashley, he was sending her strange acoustic covers of Sam Smith songs that weren’t even good. And then to top it all off, at 45-years-old, Ashley was the first Black woman he’d ever dated. And if you’re wondering, yes, Roger himself is Black.
But Ashley dismissed it. After all, Roger was a slender but built 6’7 and owned his own construction business. Sure, he didn’t have all his teeth but Ashley was willing to work with that.
Nicole had her reservations about Roger but decided to keep them to herself not wanting to piss on Ashley’s potential happily ever after.
But all went out of the window when Roger put Ashley on a schedule. He provided her with a clear outline of the days and times it was appropriate for her to contact him. When Ashley shared that, Nicole could no longer remain silent.
“Don’t you think there are some issues you need to address with Roger?”
“You know, like the fact that he put you on a schedule or always chooses his friends instead of you. And then there are the Sam Smith covers…45 years worth of White girls…”
Ashley just rolled her eyes.
“Girl, you and I are in different places in our lives right now. I need a man with stability. All of that other silly stuff you young girls get caught up on, I don’t have time to worry about.”
Nicole just rolled her eyes and changed the subject. It was clear that Ashley wasn’t going to be able to hear anything she had to say.
Months later, Ashley called Nicole with news that she might be pregnant with Roger’s child. She immediately thought her friend was doing too much, entrusting her life to a man who was just not about the right.
Luckily, that wasn’t the case.
She wouldn’t realize how lucky she was until more red flags started popping up.
Shortly after the pregnancy scare, Roger asked Ashley, who had recently moved into a new home, to buy a bed that was big enough for him. For someone who, after a year, made no move toward commitment, this seemed like an unreasonable request…at least to Nicole it did.
Ashley brushed his fear of commitment off as a result of having lost his mother three years ago and started looking for a bed.
She also brushed off the fact that for Thanksgiving and New Year’s Roger essentially ignored her all day, refusing to respond to her texts and calls. For New Year’s he ignored her all throughout New Year’s Eve, finally sending her a Happy New Year text at 10 p.m. on January 1.
But again, God was on her side because just before she could find one or save the money to buy that new, big bed she and Roger went out for drinks and sh*t hit the fan.
They were bar hopping that evening. And after leaving one spot, they were walking into the club, Ashley a bit tipsy.
As they were walking into the club, a young White man was walking out.
Ashley could tell that he was starring at them. And by the time he was within earshot, looking right at Roger he said:
“I see you got your little lover friend out.”
Naturally, Ashley was confused. She turned to Roger and asked, “Where do you know him from?”
Roger shrugged cooly, “Around the way.”
Perhaps if Ashley had been more lucid and a little less tipsy she would have realized that no one he knew from just “around the way” would have known about their relationship. But she was loose, so she brushed that off as she and Roger made their way up to the VIP section of the club.
As they had just gotten another round of drinks, the same White man came back into the club. He ordered a drink of his own and spent the next hour shooting daggers at them until they left the club.
Finally, after a year of shady behavior, Ashley realized that her friend was right. Those homeboys were more like boo thangs. He was trying to tell her something with those Sam Smith covers and worst of all, not even his side lover, a man, was Black.
You thought that she was the one. As soon as you got engaged, you knew that she would be a part of your loyal girl squad of bridesmaids. You put together a cute little bridesmaid proposal, and she happily accepted. But now, you’re having second thoughts.Though you tried to be understanding, her Debbie Downer attitude is funking up the groove and you fear that she might be out to ruin one of the most important days of your life. Your other bridesmaids have already had enough of her and you’ve decided that you’re not about to allow one bad apple to spoil the bunch. So you’ve made up your mind to give her the boot, but you’re hoping to do so with as little drama as possible. Here’s how:
Although you’re probably dreading the conversation, it’s best to have it sooner than later. Don’t wait until dresses have been purchased and flights have been booked to tell her that she’s out—unless you’re prepared to reimburse her for the money she has already invested.
Do it in person
While it’s probably much easier to send an email or text message, if she lives close to you, the classy thing to do would be to let her know in person. And if she doesn’t live nearby, pick up the phone. Things tend to come across more harshly when sent electronically—and you know people love to get buck when they’re able to hide behind their cell phones and computers.
Do it alone
You don’t want her to feel as if you and your crew are ganging up on her, so it’s best to keep this conversation between the two of you. Although having your maid of honor present for moral support sounds like a good idea, it’s not. And definitely don’t have one of your other bridesmaids deliver the news for you.
Situations like this should be handled with care. It’s bad enough that she’s being booted from your bridal party, at least be nice about it. And as Rebecca Stokes explained in her 2014 article for The Stir, “Nine times out of 10, these things can be solved with good manners.”
The best way to kick off this conversation is to just get straight to the point. “Unfortunately, I’m going to have to ask you to step down as a bridesmaid. I’m very sorry.” You’re free to provide an explanation if you feel compelled to do so, or if she asks for one, but don’t beat around the bush.
Extend the olive branch
If she hasn’t been behaving like a complete lunatic and you still consider her to be a good friend, let her know that you would still love for her to be a guest on your big day. Tell her that you’re sorry the whole bridal party thing didn’t work out, but that it has nothing to do with how you feel about her.
Have you ever had to fire a bridesmaid? Have you ever been let go from someone’s bridal party? Tell us about it below.