All Articles Tagged "friendship"
Millennials make dating a group activity. From helping friends swipe left or right to sharing post-date details and advice in group chats, close friends pretty much know everything about each other’s dating history, habits, and partners. So, to help your friend meet someone new while at the same time possibly scoring your own romantic connection, Tinder has launched Tinder Social. This new app feature allows people to arrange nights out between groups of friends.
In a blog post describing the new platform, a Tinder rep stated the following:
Tinder has always been about getting you out of the house to meet someone new. But sometimes you want more than a party of two. Often your best nights are when you’re hanging with friends, someone makes an unexpected connection with someone in another crew, and your two crews have an amazing time together. Maybe you spark a romantic connection. Maybe you make new friends. Either way, a good night out with your friends becomes something better. That’s why we’re launching Tinder Social, a new platform that helps you plan your night out. For this launch, we’ve made changes to the feature to deliver a more real-time experience. People can see who’s going out tonight, what they’re up to, and plan their night, easily and efficiently—all on Tinder Social. if you want to go out, invite friends to join your group, then swipe and match with other groups nearby who are also going out.
The post goes on to explain that if you’re looking for plans (and potential dates), you can invite friends to join the group you create. Once you’ve done that, you swipe to match with other groups who are planning to hang out nearby.
But first things first: In order to use Tinder Social, you have to unlock it in the Tinder app. Once you’ve done so, you’ll be able to see which friends have unlocked it as well. Afterward, you can create said group, and together, explore other groups to be matched with. An example of this can be seen below:
Just remember, at noon the next day, your group and matches will disappear. (Tinder even claims that your Uber may also turn into a pumpkin. #Jokes) But before it does, be sure to plan another night out with your friends and those new potential boo thangs. Or better yet, start scoping the Tinder scene for a new group to hang with.
Tinder Social is only available in the United States, United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and India.
Will you be trying Tinder Social ?
My best friend works at MAC and I’m a makeup junkie. One might think I’m enjoying the fruits of her labor — as in her 70% off employee discount — all the time. I’m not. In fact, she only purchased products for me once in the four years that she’s worked for the company. She tells me all the time she’ll order things for me if I need them, but whenever the topic comes up, in the end, I usually tell her I’m good. Our friendship goes back 18 years, but I still don’t want to be that person — you know the one always asking somebody to go out of their way to do something for me, especially when it isn’t a necessity.
Funny enough, I met a woman with the same mindset at the MAC sample sale in NYC yesterday. As we stood in line, gushing over what we hoped to buy for 60% off in side, she reiterated a narrative much like mine. “My friend works at MAC but I don’t ask her for her discount. I just don’t feel right.”
“Oh I would! There’s no shame in my game,” a woman we’d been chatting with while waiting in line chimed in. “I have a friend who works at Saks, she got me a pair of designer glasses for $70. This other girl at the Clarins counter hooks me up with big size samples of stuff every time I come in now just ‘cuz. I even have a friend who’s an optometrist and she hooks me up with free eye exams and contacts. I get everything”
I need friends in higher places, I thought, laughing to myself. But I also know I’m not the type to actually ask people to do things for me — and I’m not particularly keen on people doing that to me. I’m a generous person so whenever I have the opportunity to do something for someone, I will. Usually, I’ll offer help or products for a particular need if I have them (because I get so many freebies in my line of work) before a person even has to ask. But there’s a certain sense of entitlement that comes with some people’s mindset that what’s yours — an employee discount for instance– is theirs, and that’s just not something to be assumed.
An even more gross overstepping often comes in the form of people asking for a discount on the business services someone offers simply because they’re “cool.” You know, the person who wants you to file their taxes for the low because you went to high school together, or who expects to get their hair done for next to nothing since y’all are play cousins, or the budding entrepreneur in need of PR who just wants you to write a press release for her for free because you “go way back.” A good rule of thumb should be, if you have to make a case for getting the hook up it’s likely not warranted. Even better: If the person doesn’t offer a friends and family discount off top, don’t ask.
While it’s great to have friends whose perks are your perks, a truer sign of friendship is supporting the industries your besties and associates are a part of — you know, keep them employed. That’s loyalty; and a true friend will no doubt see that and likely extend a token of appreciation by way of a discount. That’s what a real hook up looks like. #Reciprocity
Not all friends are created equal. That’s not a bad thing, fyi. Unlike family, we can pick and choose the very people we call friends. And the older and wiser we get, the more we know the kind of friends we want to have in our intimate circle (and the kinds of people we don’t want anywhere near that sacred, specially created space). Friends who are supportive, friends we can chill with, friends we can call on during good times and bad. Friends that know our heart and intentions. Friends we can count on. The list of qualities and characteristics goes on and on. By no means a definitive list, but here are 10 of the best types of friends a woman can have.
Flexible is her middle name. With this friend, you can let loose. Have an adventure – or two or 20. She’s down to do just about anything and certainly doesn’t need a month’s advance notice in order to do it.
One of the most interesting things I’ve found about being on the road to the altar is how awkward it is to figure out if and when I should share that information with folks I meet of the opposite sex. While people like Kevin Gates like to say that women shouldn’t even touch him because he’s married, and there are even debates on whether or not it’s appropriate for married men and women to receive phone calls from people of the opposite sex, I never wanted to be one of those people who acted as though I couldn’t interact with men in everyday life because I’m engaged to be married to one.
Plus, there’s something…let’s just say interesting…about assuming that every man you meet wants you like that. That’s almost like thinking that because someone is friendly to you, they automatically are planning to get in your drawls. Plus, not every person needs to know your business like that anyway.
But after running into two situations this past weekend where I worried that I was confusing a man’s general chivalrous behavior with flirtation and one where I clearly wasn’t confused, I thought it would be good to ask, when and how should you tell someone of the opposite sex you’re not interested and not available? What’s the signal that lets you know they want more than what you can offer when you initially thought they were a nice person to get to know?
For instance, while out of town for a friend’s wedding and rolling with single friends, I met a guy who was quite hilarious. He is also from New York, also Nigerian, and is also a fantastic dancer, so we got along well, as he also did with my two friends. Near the end of the night, he sort of flocked to me and one of the other girls (the other went home early), even offering us a ride home. Nice, right?
Well, for some reason, I thought it best to distance myself all of a sudden. I started saying less, and while I took that ride (Uber prices were a trip…), I sat in the back despite my friend offering to. (Side note: she often offers to sit in the back of cars because I’m tall. Sweet girl.) In my mind, I thought, let me let two single people mingle and stay my black a– out of trouble. But during the ride, the harmless truth came out: He’s married, has a newborn, and was just trying to make sure my friend and I got home safely after the wedding. When we got there, he waited for us to enter our AirBNB and said, “Have a goodnight ladies! Great meeting you.”
“Get over yourself, Victoria” is what ran through my head as I prepared for bed that evening.
But the next day, I had a much different experience. The groom’s brother had been very charming and polite since my friends and I initially entered town. He often offered us rides and to show us around town, which we greatly appreciated. When I asked my girlfriend what she thought of him at the wedding, she relayed that she thought he was cute. It was clear he thought the same of her. So I took it upon myself to try and make a love connection happen, because what better time then around a wedding to do so?
Well, he offered to take her to the airport. I rode along, as my flight was leaving a day later, and sat in the back quietly as they chatted. After dropping her off at her terminal, he gave her a hug, as did I, and that was about it. No romantic moment whatsoever. I proceeded to sit in the front with him as he drove me to a brunch for the bride and groom. We lightly talked about the city I was visiting as he pointed to different shopping areas and venues.
“So, what did you think of ___?” I eventually asked, trying to kick my matchmaker skills into gear.
“Are you kidding me?” he said with a laugh. He proceeded, “She’s nice, but I’m not really interested in her in that way. But if I came to New York she would be a great person to hang out with and show me around.”
Noted. I let it go, saddened that I would have to pack away my matchmaking attempts. And that’s when things became quite uncomfortable.
“If I was going to talk to someone, it would be you.”
What I assumed were genuine attempts to be friendly also happened to be attempts to spend time with me so he could try and make a move. When I showed him my ring, which I’ve worn every day since getting engaged last year, he seemed disappointed. But what was really disappointing was the fact that he didn’t give up. On the longest of rides, he asked me if I could ever like him in the future, how I knew I was actually ready to get married, why it took my fiancé so long to propose (he said he would know by six months), and said if I wanted to “do something,” I wouldn’t have to worry about him telling anybody while giving me the eye.
I couldn’t get out of that car fast enough.
For a minute there, I wondered if I had been too friendly, if I needed to start making mention of my upcoming marital status straightaway, in the “My fiancé and I” kind of way to make it clear that I wouldn’t likely entertain advances. But, again, I also worry that such moves play into the idea that men and women can’t just be friends. In the case of the first guy, some men really are good guys whose intentions aren’t always what you think. Plus, in the case of the groom’s brother, in reality, my status didn’t matter whatsoever. He was determined either way. This was clear when he said “an engagement means nothing,” and kept trying to create hypothetical situations to encourage me to at least say some Erykah Badu “Next Lifetime” sh-t. Hard pass.
It’s tough. Even if you aren’t looking for a friend, it’s awkward to assume that every male needs to know you’re taken off the bat because you believe they might be out to hit on you. And it’s also quite interesting that by telling someone “I’m engaged,” I’m telling them to respect the man they don’t know and my relationship more than just respecting me and falling all the way back. To be honest, I would have loved to tell him that I’m not interested not solely because I’m in love with someone else who I wouldn’t dare hurt, but also because I’m just genuinely not interested. Because the last thing I wanted for him to think, which I believe he did, was that I’m not giving him the time of the day only because someone else is in the picture. He didn’t have the juice like that…
So with that being said, I don’t have any plans to step out on my old man (who just laughed — over and over — when I told him about the groom’s brother). But I did realize two things from this weekend and this ongoing issue: My fiancé probably needs to start coming to more social gatherings with me (a light SMH at him), and being friendly when off the market can be quite a complicated thing. But I don’t plan on ceasing from being either anytime soon.
Having day one friends is a huge deal these days. Your pack of lifelong girlfriends is a symbol of loyalty, love, a solid support system, and a bond that can survive everything from terrible relationships to deaths in the family. Before high school and college, my family and I moved around too much for me to tie down many eternal besties. But once I settled on my true-blue squad during my teenage years, I believed we were going to be tethered to one another until death do us part. The few spats we had in high school over boys were inconsequential. We might’ve stopped speaking for a few days (okay, sometimes weeks), but we always found our way back. Even when we moved away to go to different colleges, our individual experiences and growth benefited our relationships since we were all learning new things that we came back and shared with one another. But the painful reality is that some friendships fall behind, rather than apart. It’s not because of a lack of allegiance, but rather, because we all become vastly different in adulthood compared to when we were young and groupthink was all we knew.
Take it from me. I’ve recently moved back to my home state from New York City, and although it’s great to be 15 to 45 minutes from those I’d usually visit only on weekends or FaceTime with obsessively, being back in close proximity reveals our glaring differences that didn’t quite show when I saw them every now and then. My lofty ambitions are still larger than life, and now that I’m back, I feel like the goals I have and my interests have have seemingly outgrown theirs. Not that my needs are in any way more stellar or more important than theirs, but they are different and have put me on a different trajectory in life.
I’ve had my fill of partying and getting lit all weekend. Instead, I have a thirst to immerse myself in art, learn more about entrepreneurship, and stay active in the community. However, some of my friends since adolescence live for the the turnup wherever we go, and as far as my interests, let’s just say they’re not so concerned. But on the opposite end of the spectrum, I also have some friends who lack a will to live altogether. I’m talking about those who do nothing more than go to work and come home every single day. Nothing new, nothing ambitious, nothing spontaneous. Just nothing. It sucks to want more for someone who doesn’t want more for themselves. And quite frankly, all of it has gotten a little old for my taste.
So does this mean our friendship has run its course? I’m hyper-aware of the energy and company I keep these days, and I’m starting to feel that anything that doesn’t fit my larger picture should be banished almost immediately. It sounds a bit harsh, even selfish when you think about it, but I’m finding that having a life that feeds my soul sometimes means being a little less selfless.
It’s tough to look back on all that we’ve endured together and not feel sad about our fading connection. It’s true what they say, though: You’re the sum of the five people you surround yourself with. Of course, I don’t want to hang around a bunch of Mrs. Me Toos. However, if I want to constantly be inspired by those around me, I have to surround myself with people I can be inspired by. And I’m sorry, I’m just not inspired by who can outpace who in Henny shots.
Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t outgrown all of my friends, and the ones I have, I still love very deeply. I’ll admit, some of my friendships are lingering as a courtesy to the time we shared together and a friendship breakup would be complicated (and ugly) right now. But I’m well aware that it’s only a matter of time before we’re only catching up once every few months and then less and less. Life is supposed to change us for the better anyway, right? So if some friends are a casualty of my growth as a person, I have to make peace with it and know that it’s OK. Ultimately, once we truly trust our individuality and independent thinking, I guess it’s only natural that some friends are just no longer a perfect match.
There are plenty of reasons that might motivate a person to stay in touch with an ex. Perhaps they still care about the person even though the relationship has ended. Maybe there’s still some love there, and one or both parties are hoping for reconciliation. There could be a child involved and the co-parenting situation simply manifested into a healthy friendship. Or perhaps, they’re just complete psychopaths.
According to Daily Mail, the results of a recent study, which was authored by researchers with Oakland University, suggests that your friendship with an ex might point to darker traits of your personality. Apparently, staying close to an ex provides both parties with access to “desirable resources” such as sex, information, or love, but researchers found that people with certain personality traits are more likely to maintain contact with their exes for sex than others.
Researchers Justin Mogilski and Dr. Lisa Welling conducted the study on 861 participants who were questioned about the status of their relationships with their exes once they broke up as well as their reasoning for doing so. Participants were also required to fill out a questionnaire, which revealed some aspects of their personality traits.
The results of the study revealed that one of the most common reasons that people chose to stay in touch with an ex is that the ex has desirable traits such as reliability and trustworthiness. People also stuck around if there was “a strong sentimental attachment.” Sex also appeared to be a significant driving force.
“Men rated sexual access higher on importance than women did, which is consistent with other research showing that men are more likely than women to form [cross sex friendships] due to sexual attraction,” the authors explained.
Interestingly, people who displayed darker personality traits, “which included elements of narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism,” were more likely to keep their exes around as friends in hopes that they might be able to hook up again. They were also more likely to stay friends with exes when remaining friends appeared to be more practical than making a clean break.
I received a crash course in Friendship 101 when I was about six. It was time for the Valentine’s Day celebration in Miss W’s class. Me and a classmate, Nia, had been inseparable since the first day of school, and according to my six-year-old mind, she was my best friend. No question. We exchanged cards as instructed by our second grade teacher, and I was astonished by Nia’s reaction the card I had given her, which read:
To: My best friend Nia
“You’re my friend, but you’re not my best friend. My best friend goes to my old school.”
My feelings were hurtttttttt. But I learned a valuable lesson that day. Unfortunately, it seems that we could all use a refresher course when it comes to friendship.
According to a study published in the scientific journal Plose One, which surveyed 600 students from the United States, Europe, and Israel with the intention of determining how many of their friends were actually their friends, only half of the average person’s friends actually consider them a friend. So basically, if you think you have four friends, you probably only have two.
“It turns out that we’re very bad at judging who our friends are,” Dr. Erez Shmueli, one of the study’s authors said. “If you think someone is your friend, you expect him to feel the same way. But in fact, that’s not the case.”
“We found that 95 percent of participants thought that their relationships were reciprocal,” Dr. Shmueli continued. “If you think someone is your friend, you expect him to feel the same way. But in fact, that’s not the case — only 50 percent of those polled matched up in the bidirectional friendship category.”
As for how you can figure out which friendships are reciprocal and which are not, Dr. Shmueli recommends taking a look at “the difference in the number of friends of the two individuals.”
“The higher this difference is, the lower the likelihood of the friendship to be reciprocal,” he told Complex.
I promise you, I wanted to kill my friend’s husband when I first heard they were getting a divorce. While I’m well-versed in soothing a friend’s broken heart after she catches her bae sliding into someone’s DMs, I was way out of my depth with the legalities of splitting assets and family finances. In most cases, I’d share tubs of Talenti with her, cry it out over Love Jones and unleash a diatribe about her ex’s aint sh*tness. But even though I desperately wanted to make my friend’s soon-to-be ex-husband the enemy, I found it difficult to channel all my anger toward denouncing him, because as this nightmare of broken martial bliss spiraled, she needed me more than I needed to be angry with him.
I’d never seen my friend so broken and threw on my cape to rescue her from emotional devastation. Except, it’s not possible. I quickly learned that divorce is as much of a deep, dark emotional journey as it is a legal battle and no one can be saved from it. She will mourn as if a family member died. If she has kids, she’ll panic about being a single mother. She’ll cry, scream and allow her anger to runneth over, and in those times, I can only stand as her rock, not necessarily her protector. That’s not to say it’ll be easy, though, especially since it’s a new experience for the both of us. If you find yourself in my shoes, know that helping a friend wade through the divorce process is a learning curve. Here’s how to be a solid support system as your BFF ventures through her post-divorce blues.
Listen and be present.
As your homegirl loses someone she considered her life partner, she will want to talk about it incessantly, and all she needs is your ear. Even when she only intends to sit in silence, your presence alone will soothe the loneliness she feels after a failed marriage.
Keep you mouth shut.
Maintain your friend’s privacy. Don’t blab about her divorce to everyone on the block, even with the other folks who are well aware of her relationship status. Unless your friend is depressed and needs medical attention, or you need to plan a girls’ night out to help her shake off the sadness, honor the girl code of silence.
Don’t bash her ex.
Leave calling him every name but a child of God up to her. You may agree with her at the height of her heartbreak, but don’t chime in, especially if kids are involved. She might become defensive about the man she said “I do” to. In fact, she may get back with him at some point, and you won’t want to be the judgmental BFF she can no longer lean on.
Plan something fun.
Take her mind off of things for a while with a shopping trip or girls’ game night. Chances are she won’t be gung-ho to slip on a dress and grab drinks, but do something she enjoys that will remind her of life outside of lawyers and legal documents.
It takes a village to raise a child…and to get over a divorce. Quotes, lyrics and positive affirmations from women who’ve overcome marital woes can help your friend feel empowered. Though her man might not come running back to rub her feet, she may find strength in a few replays of Lemonade or reading Nora Ephron’s Heartburn.
Remember it’s about her, not you.
Sorry, but there’s no space for your feelings during your friend’s divorce. It’s not that you can’t have an opinion about how she’s throwing herself into her work or distracting herself with Tinder, but how she decides to deal is solely her choice. Of course, as a friend, be sure she’s not harming herself or others, but ultimately, your only job is to love her through her flock of feelings.
When you fall in love, it’s really easy to unknowingly begin neglecting your other relationships as you attempt to get to know this new person in every way imaginable. It’s tempting to blow off all-girls outings because sometimes, you just want to Netflix and Chill; however, a new study suggests that spending time with your girls is not only good for your overall wellness, but also, for your sex life.
The survey, which was conducted by the beverage company, Palm Breeze, revealed that women who make enough time for their girls are happier in their relationships and more satisfied with their sex lives.
73 percent of women reported that girl time makes them feel happier, and 65 percent reported that they feel less stressed when spending time with the girls.
While researchers did not speculate why they believe this is the case, I think that the answer is quite obvious: It’s impossible for one person to fulfill your every need and it’s selfish to expect them to do so. Bae is great, however, there are some voids that he simply won’t be able to fill—and that’s okay. But you know what will help to fill those voids? Time with your friends. Relying on him to be your lover and your homegirl will likely only lead to frustration and reduced satisfaction within your relationship.
So the next time he complains about you stepping out with the girls, tell him, “I’m doing this for us.”
Chances are, if you’re reading this, you have a ratchet friend in your life. Don’t feel bad, we all do. I bet you can think of that friend right now: the one who finds new and exciting ways to make his or her life as stressful as possible. The one who says she (or he) should be on a reality show, and you know they mean Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta. In my mind, ‘ratchetness’ has less to do with implications of etiquette/appropriateness, and more to do with the ability one has to relish in needlessly stressful situations. Whether it’s work-related drama or relationship problems, we all have that friend who seems addicted to drama. In fact, most of us have been that friend at least once or twice in our lives.
What’s that you say? Not you? Just me? It’s cool. I’ll own it.
Whether you define ‘ratchetness’ as a set of isolated practices or a consistent state of mind, we can all use some tips for communicating with our strong-willed friends. These steps can help us:
Stop calling your ratchet friend a ratchet (remove judgement): NYC relationship coach, Trenia Parham, encourages us to “…focus on the other person’s humanity, instead of reducing them to a flaw or mistake they’ve made. People are whole, flawed, complex beings. Both saint and sinner.” While you may not call your friend a ratchet to her face, if you’re already judging your friend, then real communication is impossible. Just like we can tell when someone is silently undermining us, you can’t support someone you don’t respect.
Check yourself (assess your intentions): “I think the way we communicate with friends that are full of drama is more about [us] than about them,” Parham said. To that end, we have to ask ourselves how WE are gratified by constantly being the go-to friend. Does it make us feel needed? Smart? Loved? Important? Parham goes on to say that our friends don’t need our advice as much as we think they do. “[Your friend] has as much agency to be as ‘ratchet’ as she wants to be, but now you have to decide if that’s something you want to be around, and that makes you responsible for your part.”
Talk less; listen better (listen actively): Active listening is defined as a way of communication that promotes mutual understanding. What does that mean in real time? Parham offers us grounded examples. “Stop formulating responses in your head while the other person is talking. Put down your phone or thoughts about what you have to do when the conversation is over, and focus on the person sitting across from you. Does your friend need a friend to listen to or a therapist? As a friend, stop trying to fix it, that’s not your place.” It’s when we open our hearts and practice listening WHILE being empathetic, and sometimes all a person needs is space to vent. I truly believe everyone has wisdom and knows what’s right for them. And when a person has a safe space to talk things through, they can generally find the answers they’ve been looking for.
Step 4. Keep it real (practice compassionate honesty): One of the biggest pieces of advice Parham gives is to refrain from offering unsolicited advice. At the beginning of the conversation (or at the end of the rant), ask if they’re open to hearing your take on the matter. “If they want your opinion, offer it with honesty, but don’t wield the truth like a weapon,” Parham said. “Hearing something you may not want to hear is hard enough without someone delivering the truth without tact. Make the decision to be supportive regardless of if they want to do things your way.” At every turn, we have to let go of our own agenda for our friends. There is a chance that you will give an epic pep talk full of great advice, and most of it will go unfollowed. As friends, we have to learn to be supportive without being attached to the outcome.
Know when to end the conversation (set boundaries): Many folks (ratchet or otherwise) live their lives in circles. They keep dating the same guy; they keep having the same fight with their boss, and while they pretend to want your advice they really just want to keep venting. Though we think that being a good friend means we have to listen every single time, Parham believes that having healthy relationships means setting our own boundaries. “Be honest. If they keep getting cheated on by the same dude and aren’t willing to leave the relationship, tell them you don’t want to talk about it anymore if she’s not ready to do something about it.” I know, from personal experience, when I listen against my will, I’m more likely to gossip out of frustration. That’s not helpful to anyone involved.
University educator and creator of the brilliant #lemonadesyllabus, Candace Marie Benbow recently Instragramed herself wearing a shirt that said, “Ratchetness as praxis.” I love the shirt because, though the word has different meanings in different circles/contexts, it hints at a truth: There isn’t ONE acceptable and credible way of existing in the world. ‘Ratchetness,’ for all its negative implications, is beautifully unapologetic. To that end, the only real advice one needs, when thinking about how to support our headstrong homies, is to take five giant steps back and trust that they have it under control. We can call this minding our own business, or we can, as Parham encourages, call it an attempt to “stop looking at people like they’re broken. When you see your friend going through a hard time, think about how you would want someone to treat you in your messiest moments.”
And that, in a nutshell, is how we can help a ratchet (and ourselves).
Patia Braithwaite is a New York City-based writer who is probably somewhere being ratchet right now (whatever that means). You can find out more about her relationship and travel exploits at www.menmyselfandgod.com. She also tweets and Instagrams when the mood strikes her: @pdotbrathw8