All Articles Tagged "friendship"
“You need friends,” my now ex-boyfriend blurted out one evening. I stared at the phone in disbelief. Surely, this could not be the man who once referred to me as his “best friend” saying this. I had just given him the rundown of my day during one of our nightly chats. Looking back, I can admit that I had informed him of all of the nitty gritty details of my day—including those details that would prompt most men to holler, “TMI!” and that most women would have sense enough to only share with a close female confidant. But we were best friends, so those rules didn’t apply, right? Life experience and better sense now tell me that my then-boyfriend referring to me as his “best friend” was only a cutesy way of expressing how close we’d grown; however, when I called him my BFF, I meant it in every sense of the word. To be perfectly honest, he was probably my only friend at the time.
I mean, once upon a time (i.e., prior to hooking up with him in the past) I had friends who I could call on and hold such conversations with, but I, like many women, began to neglect those friendships once ol’ boy came into the picture. Of course, we never set out with those intentions. Things usually start off innocent enough, but then cuddling up with your boo on a Friday night begins to sound a helluva lot more appealing than taking advantage of “ladies free before midnight” with the crew. Slowly, you begin to pass on more and more outings with the girls, until you turn around and realize you haven’t seen or spoken to them in days. Sadly, those days turn into weeks and those weeks, eventually, into months of not hanging out—totally unfair to them and you. The most obvious thing to consider is the fact that these were the people who were there for you way before Mr. Wonderful (or in my case, Mr. Not-so-wonderful) emerged on the scene and more than likely, they’ll be the ones to rally around you in the event that things don’t work out. Aside from that, in my opinion, maintaining outside friendships is also crucial to the prosperity of a healthy relationship. Love can be overpowering at times, and it’s pretty easy to lose yourself in a relationship. But real friends force you to remain true to who you are. They provide balance. They keep you grounded.
After being in the previously mentioned relationship for a substantial period of time, I found myself greatly resiting the urge to cling. After months of fighting this urge that seemed to come so naturally, I came to the painful realization that the life (and friends) that I had outside of our relationship, had somehow been drowned out by the waves of our “honeymoon” phase. Needless to say, the relationship did not last. And in addition to piecing my heart back together, I had to put my life back together.
Thankfully, this was a lesson that I only needed to be taught once before I got the message. A new romance can be wondrous, thrilling and downright breathtaking, but in the midst of all of that excitement, don’t forget about the other important people in your life: your girls. A healthy balancing act between your pals and you boo isn’t always easy and in many cases, it requires conscious effort, but it’s certainly worth it in the long run.
Follow Jazmine on Twitter @jazminedenise.
To say that many of us were shocked to hear about Paul Walker’s death is an understatement. As confirmation began to spread, celebrities and fans expressed their sadness and disbelief about this tragedy; by all accounts, Paul Walker seemed like a great guy offscreen.
But for his second family, the cast and crew of The Fast & the Furious franchise, the news has hit them on a deeper level. They were just starting to wrap up on the seventh installment and with the much time being spent over the last 12 years, the relationships become more than just “co-workers.”
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson” took to Twitter to express his sadness regarding Paul Walkers death:
James Wan, the director of The Fast & the Furious 7, was understandably in a state of disbelief:
“Your humble spirit was felt from the start, wherever you blessed your presence you always left a mark, we were like brothers & our birthdays are only 1 day apart, now You will forever hold a place in all our hearts @paulwalker legacy will live on forever. R.I.P.”
Vin Diesel added:
“Brother I will miss you very much. I am absolutely speechless. Heaven has gained a new Angel. Rest in Peace.”
Tyrese’s reaction really encompassed what everyone who knew him seemed to be feeling:
“My heart is hurting so bad no one cam make me believe this is real Father God I pray that you send clarity over this cause I just don’t undertsand My heart hurts it’s broken no one can convince me that this is real…Prayer warriors please pray real hard for his only child, his daughter, and family…#HeartOfAnAngel13YrsFamilyForeverWeJustCelebratedYour40thBirthday…My God…My God…I can’t believe I’m writing this”
He also posted a picture of a recent text message conversation and as part of the caption, Tyrese added, “At least I got to say I love you…”
Walker’s co-stars from Takers also reacted to the news:
T.I.: “I’m shocked & saddened to find that the world has lost such a great spirited person. Paul Walker was not only a passionate, talented actor, he was also a sincere man with a genuine personality, that filled a room immediately upon introduction. My family’s hearts & prayers is extended to his family, especially his daughter. He will never be forgotten. May he rest in peace. #RIPPAULWALKER”
Idris Elba: “I’m Heart broken Paul Walker, he was a mate of mine, very sad. My heart goes out to his daughter.”
Michael Ealy: “My heart is crushed by the news that my friend Paul Walker passed away today. Prayers and light to his daughter and family right now.”
We will update you if any other information becomes available about this terrible tragedy. Gone Too Soon: Actors Who Died While Filming A Movie Or TV Show
After rumors began running rampant that TLC had been dropped from Epic Records soon after their television movie aired and the debacle with Pebbles was reignited, the president of Epic, L.A. Reid has finally spoken out.
After keeping quiet for much of the week about the rumors, LA Reid finally chose to make a statement about TLC’s status on Twitter late Friday afternoon.
So that pretty much shuts down that rumor. But the problem is that they were taken down from the Epic Records website and now that it has been noticed, the girls have been added back to the list of Epic artists. So while LA’s tweet was all lilies and roses, something was certainly going on behind the scenes. Website pages, especially not one of the biggest selling girl group of all time, don’t just magically disappear and then reappear after people start talking.
So we guess the TLC album is still being released by Epic Records for now and LA Reid wants everyone to know that he isn’t beefing (even if his ex-wife pretty much threw him in the mix) with Chilli and T-Boz.
As usual, we’re still watching this because something tells me this story is far from over.
When you’re happily in a relationship, you can’t help but want the same thing for your friends! But just because your love life is working out, doesn’t mean you’re an expert on dating advice. There are some things that will offend your single friend more than help her.
Occasionally, friendships can be very tricky to maneuver, but anything worth having is worth the extra effort, right? It seems that for longevity in a friendship is not just based on proximity (I’m still great friends with people who have moved to South Africa, and hours away from my current location), the recipe is simply communication. Instead of sitting and simmering when your friend upsets you, you should address it. Friendships end more often due to unspoken words, or worse, words spoken from repressed anger. It seems as though if people would just talk, and be open with each other, then there’s nothing that a friendship wouldn’t be able to survive.
But let me ask you something, readers, if your friend falsely accused you of something horrible, could you forgive them? I ask this because occasionally I’ll watch a DVR’d episode of Maury with my mother (guilty pleasure, don’t judge me), and there will be cases where a woman (and sometimes a man) will accuse their significant other and best friend of sleeping with each other. Sometimes it turns out to be true, and sometimes the friend is an innocent bystander that got unfairly drug into a dysfunctional relationship’s baggage.
Now in my bizarre journey through life, this is something that I’ve never encountered. But I always wondered, would I be able to forgive a friend that would think so lowly of me and how I take our friendship?
In normal life, we don’t have access to a lie detector test, or free DNA testing. All we have is our word, and the knowledge that what’s done in darkness will come to light. So, you wait and hope that your innocence can be illuminated. But after the dust settles, would you want that platonic “old thang” back?
I believe that most things can be salvaged by communication and introspection, and with a situation like this, these are the things that are worth considering.
Why would she even accuse me?
Relationships, particularly dysfunctional ones, can become a power struggle. Sometimes, in moments of maintaining control, one partner might start planting seeds in your friend about you. Maybe (s)he begins complimenting you to your friend, or even using downgrading language to her about why she can’t be more like you. There could even be times that your mate’s partner will make their attraction to you known to him/her. Sometimes it’s because they want to infuse jealousy in your partner, sometimes they want to begin to break close ties to isolate them, and sometimes it’s both. But your friend could be a victim of manipulation that causes them to question you, instead of looking at the person who’s pointing fingers.
Did I do something to warrant this accusation?
I am very pro-be-yourself, but at the same time, things should be pulled back when it comes to someone’s relationship. Sure you noticed that your friend’s mate has been going to the gym. A simple compliment shouldn’t be a big deal, but gushing over “how great” the mate looks, might have your friend giving you the side-eye. So is trying to be their partner in a group game (Spades, anyone?), or maintaining inappropriate communication with their mate. (Kenya, anyone?)
If you are a naturally flirty person, there are times, places, and people to do that with, and your friend’s mate is not one of them. No matter how harmless you feel like it is, or how your friendship should know that that’s just how you are, you should also respect your friend enough to not make them begin to question your behavior.
Where do we go from here?
Personally, I would be impressed if after a person was able to prove their innocence, a friendship could go back as if nothing ever happened. If you’ve been able to do this, please share your story, so that we may bask in your friendship’s overwhelming maturity. But for others, that accusation just entered their union into an uncomfortable territory that might be hard to get back out of. Once the smoke settles, and you’re looking at each other awkwardly, what are your next steps?
Communication. Find out what was going on in your friend’s head to even make him/her consider you as a possible homewrecker. Sometimes when people are too in their own minds, and don’t allow themselves to have an outlet or sounding board, minute things begin to magnify to them. Have an open conversation and try to get to the bottom of what fueled the whole thing.
But, at the end of the day, it’s all up to you if you decide that keeping this friendship is worth it. Friendships are definitely worth having, but so is your own peace of mind.
So tell me, dear readers, how would you handle a situation like this? If you have, how did you deal with it?
Kendra Koger can be caught occasionally watching Maury, and occasionally on twitter @kkoger.
Now, I’ve refrained from even mentioning this because you all would never believe it to be true (unless you’re in Atlanta and have witnessed somthing with your own eyes), but this rumor has been buzzing for quite some time that Keshia Knight-Pulliam and Big Tigger are dating.
Earlier this year, Tigger was allegedly spotted leaving Knight-Pulliam’s apartment building after a night out on the town. Now, of course that could have been totally innocent and since then, they’ve been spotted around Atlanta together at different events but not necessarily looking like an item. Although they’re both still in the public eye, neither of them have been really open about their love lives.
The Jasmine Brand recently caught up with Big Tigger at the 2013 Soul Train Music Awards and asked Tigger very directly about what’s going on in his personal life:
TJB: Before I let you go, what’s our love life like? You know what the rumors are – how’s our love life going?
BJ: Our love life is awesome!
TJB: Are we in a committed relationship?
BT: Our love life is awesome!
So okay, he doesn’t want to talk about it. Keshia, for her part, doesn’t do many interviews about anything so it’s hard to find anything she’s said about her love life. But we did find one interview from a few months ago that she did with Sasha from Kiss 10s 104.1. While the interview is mostly about her non-profit, Kamp Kizzy, she talks about her love life with her boyfriend, Darian, around the 3:50 second mark.
Big Tigger’s real name: Darian Morgan.
So yeah, we think there’s something going on with these two and while it does seem like a bit of an odd pairing, they go back years and most people will tell you that friends make the best lovers.
If your friend has been cheated on, she needs you now more than ever. But sometimes what you don’t say is just as important as what you do.
Forgiveness is mandatory but second chances are optional. Nothing benefits your spirit more than forgiving someone who hurt you. But forgiveness doesn’t always mean you open the door to them again. Sometimes you have to slam it shut, lock it and turn off the lights. However, there are some people who seem to pull at our heart strings. Now the question is not about forgiveness, but about second chances. When do you give a second chance and when is it best to just accept what happened and move on in a relationship or friendship?
As you begin to think about whether or not to give this person a second chance, truly evaluate what happened. Was it a reflection of what was going on at the time? Or a reflection of who that individual is as a person? For example, you have a friend that blew up at you one day during an argument and said some hurtful things. Now your friendship is on the rocks and you are contemplating giving him/her a second chance. In order to decide that you must really analyze the situation. Was your friend upset by other things going on at the time and just lashed out? Or, has this person been feeling like this all along and wasn’t really your friend in the first place? It may take some conversations, some reflection and some time before you can really answer that question. If the lashing out was a reflection of circumstances and not that person’s true character, then it can be okay to give them a second chance. Circumstances can be changed quickly, but a flaw in character is a much deeper issue that you may not want to stick around to see resolved. Remember it’s a second chance, not a third, fourth, twelfth chance. At that point it’s a habit and your behavior, not just a mistake.
You must also consider the long term consequences of giving a second chance and all the risks involved. Let’s say you had a relationship where the person lied to you about something and it hurt you deeply. Perhaps you still believe this person is a good person, but what about the long term risk? Are you willing to risk being lied to again? Is the person worth it? We have all told a lie at some point, but when deciding to give that person a second chance or not you must decide if it’s something you are willing to tolerate more than once. Allowing someone to come back around for a second chance also opens to the door for that person to hurt you again. However, it does also open the door for the person to show you a better, healthier love moving forward from that point. That choice to risk it or not is up to you but definitely something to keep in mind while debating giving that person a second chance.
When it comes to second chances, everyone wants a second chance when they are in the wrong to make up for what was done, but nobody wants to so easily give a second chance when they are the ones who have been wronged. People are ironic like that. At the end of the day, you have to decide if the relationship (platonic/romantic) is worth looking over the offense, if you can handle it happening again, and if this offense was just a one time thing or some deep character flaw. It’s a risk either way for happiness of for future hurt and you can never really be sure. Don’t be naïve but also remember you can’t go around kicking people out of your life every time they step on your toes.
There will be risks and challenges to any choice you make when dealing with other people. Make a choice and stick to it and always, always do what is best for your spirit and happiness.
Have you given a second chance before? Did you regret it or did it work out? Comment below.
Dee Rene is the creator of the faith-based blog Laugh.Cry.Cuss. Check out the site http://laughcrycuss.com and follow on Twitter @laughcrycuss @deerene_lcc
Evelyn Lozada recently opened up to OK! Magazine about her desire for sincere friendship. The hot-blooded reality star expressed that although she has plenty of superficial part-time friends, she’s at a point in her life where she just wants solid friendships.
“The only one that I’m friends with is Shaunie [O’Neal]. I may talk to Suzie [Ketcham] from time to time. I don’t tell her any secrets or anything like that. I’m just at a point in my life where I just really want real friends. I don’t want the fake, part-time friends. I’m too grown for that.”
Many of you got a kick out of her statement. And honestly, I can’t blame you. I mean, it’s pretty ironic that the ring leader of the mean girls, who acted as the gatekeeper of “the circle,” constantly dictating who was in and who was out, all of a sudden wants real friends. Though I was thoroughly amused by the irony of it all, in the same breath, I have to confess that I also understood where she was coming from. As women, our lives are filled with plenty of acquaintances and whether we want to admit it or not, many of us are unknowingly a part of numerous social circles. We have our work “friends,” our neighborhood “friends,” our college “friends,” our church “friends” and so on. Often times, it’s not until we’re really going through something, until we really need someone to confide in, until we need a sincere ear to listen to our problems without passing judgement on us, do we realize that although we’re constantly surrounded by these female acquaintances, very rarely can we actually call any of them friends and really mean it.
If I can compare Evelyn’s mirage of friends to anything in my own life, it would unfortunately have to be my “church friends.” We worship together. We fellowship with one another. We pray together. We support each other. Genuinely. But when I found myself dealing with some serious challenges in my life–you know, those real life-altering challenges that only sincere, unconditional love and support can help you to get through–I came to the sad realization that I wasn’t 100 percent comfortable with completely opening up to any of them. There I was, just like Evelyn, with this massive social circle and unable to call on one solid friend in my time of need. This certainly is not to say that there’s anything wrong with these women, it’s just that true friendship is indeed hard to come by. It’s not something that can be forced, rushed or summoned. So when Evelyn says that she’s ready for real friends, I get it.
I remember being about 8 years old and bragging to my mother about how many best friends I had. I’d named at least 10 girls from my fourth grade class before my mother began laughing to herself. You know, that kind of laugh older women do as if to say, “Child, you have a lot to learn.” I stopped mid-sentence and looked at her, wondering what was so funny. She simply responded that I’d be lucky if I have two good friends by the time I left college. I didn’t get it then, but I certainly understand it now.
Alex Lickerman of Psychology Today compares true friendship to romantic attraction. Though common interests, values, history, commitment, principles and equality are crucial to setting the groundwork for solid friendships, there’s an additional unknown factor that seems to hold these bonds together.
“Of course, we may have friends who fit all these criteria and still don’t quite feel kenzoku (A Japanese term that suggests a bond between people who’ve made a similar commitment and who possibly therefore share a similar destiny. It implies the presence of the deepest connection of, of lives lived as comrades from the distant past). There still seems to be an extra factor, an attraction similar to that which draws people together romantically, that cements friends together irrevocably, often immediately, for no reason either person can identify. But when you find these people, these kenzoku, they’re like priceless gems. They’re like finding home,” Alex wrote.
In this way, I don’t think any of us are that different from Evelyn. Those of us who have been blessed with real friends more than likely cherish them and those of us who don’t have them would like to (even though we may not always like to admit it). And while these bonds can’t be forced, as Alex notes, we can prepare for them by first becoming true friends ourselves.
How many true friends have you been blessed with? What makes those friendships different from your other relationships?
Follow Jazmine on Twitter @jazminedenise.
My friend recently broke up with her boyfriend. He cheated on her before, but that was not the reason why they broke up.
Her best friend and her ex boyfriend are now getting really close—I think a little too close. It bothers my friends, and I told her that if her best friend really understands how she feels about this but she still chooses to date her ex, then she s not a true friend.
I have comforted her and listened to what she has to say about this situation, but I wanted to know if there is anything else I can do to make her feel better?
Read Dr. Sherry’s response at Essence.com