All Articles Tagged "friendship"
Almost five years ago, a friend (we’ll call him Jason) I’ve known since high school asked me if I would be the best man in his wedding. I didn’t hesitate to accept. Because we’d been friends for so long, I knew him well enough to know I probably wasn’t his first choice (we’ll get to that in a second), but in any event, I was excited that he asked. His wedding signified a couple of firsts for my life at that point. It’d be the first time I ever attended a wedding that actually happened with someone I was friends with, while obviously being the first wedding I attended as someone’s best man.
Part of the reason I was puzzled about why Jason asked me to be the best man is because Jason and I had a mutual friend (we’ll call him Calvin) he could’ve asked. Jason and Calvin had known each other their entire lives. I mean, “playing in the sandbox, played football as young kids, whole families knew each other,” whole lives. Jason was also the godfather to Calvin’s daughter. Calvin seemed like an easy choice.
After Jason asked me to be the best man in his wedding, Calvin called me a week or so later and asked if I was attending Jason’s wedding. I, without even considering the weirdness of the random call or question, answered in the affirmative. I told Calvin that Jason had asked me to be the best man and I was trying to get everything together so that I’d be able to fly down and fulfill my duties. Calvin got noticeably quiet after I broke the news to him. It was at that moment he told me he wasn’t going to Jason’s wedding. In fact, he hadn’t even been invited. Apparently, Jason and Calvin had had a falling out, having to do with Jason’s fiance, and Calvin “wasn’t allowed” to come to the wedding. Instead of of Jason taking up for Calvin, apparently, he did nothing. Calvin took umbrage with Jason’s lack of action on his behalf.
Obviously I was taken aback by what Calvin told me. I immediately phoned Jason and told him what Calvin said. I told him I felt awkward, because they’d been friends since childbirth and all of us had been friends since high school. We all went to college in Tallahassee and were roommates for the three years I lived there. We’d carried each other during the worst times and celebrated way beyond any of our limits during our best times. I told Jason that whatever issue he’d had with Calvin he needed to settle up, because I didn’t want this to be something that got held against him or me based on a misunderstanding. Jason told me not to worry about it and that whatever Calvin had told me wasn’t really the issue. He wanted me to be the best man, that’s why he asked me. And that was the end of that.
Or, so I thought.
Fast forward to the day of Jason’s wedding and who shows up after the nuptials are said and the couples are joined together in holy matrimony? Calvin. In his work clothes. I watched Calvin walk past all the guests, up between the aisles, and damn near up to the podium to give me a dap. “Just wanted to say what’s up bruh. Hadn’t seen you in a while and I didn’t know the next time you were going to be in town.” I gave Calvin dap and asked if he was going to talk to Jason. I’m not sure if he did.
In short, the answer to the question is yes. Men care if they’re not invited to a close friend’s wedding and if the relationship warrants it, they care if they’re the best man or not, too.
The National Enquirer recently reported that Kandi Burruss’ wedding this past weekend was completely ruined by an inappropriate, drunken speech given by fellow singer and bridesmaid Fantasia Barrino.
“Kandi was horrified!” an eyewitness exclaimed to the magazine. “She and Fantasia are close, but this may ruin their friendship.”
The sources adds that Tasia’s speech was riddled with profanity and totally infuriated Kandi’s new husband, Tood.
“Fantasia started by saying, ‘Kandi, you are my m*therf**kin’ friend and I love you,’” the snitch continued. “Then she called Kandi the ‘realest b*tch I know’ and rambled on about her big butt. Todd was furious, and the other bridesmaids got Fantasia to sit down. Thank goodness!”
Reps for Kandi recently commented on Tasia’s wild wedding speech to TMZ and according to the rep, Kandi found it to be hilarious. Apparently the ladies go way back so there’s not much Tasia can do (or say) to offend the “Real Housewives of Atlanta” star.
Good friends will protect you, support you, stand by your side, and encourage your every idea…except when you get back with your ex. Every situation is different and really only you know what is right for you, but generally, your friends will be skeptical. So get ready for these comments, and try not to let them shake you!
The upcoming Broadway musical inspired by Tupac Shakur songs will star Saul Williams, the poet and singer best known for the film “Slam.”
Producers said this week the rest of the cast of “Holler If Ya Hear Me” will include Tonya Pinkins, Christopher Jackson, Saycon Sengbloh, Ben Thompson and John Earl Jelks.
The musical is not a biography of Shakur but uses his songs to explore the story of two friends who live in a low-income neighborhood in the Midwest. It will feature “California Love,” ”Keep Ya Head Up,” and “Me Against the World.”
Read more about Tupac’s Musical at BlackVoices.com
I’m no financial analyst, but I want to offer you this piece of advice: If you don’t have stock in Tinder, I’d suggest you go get some. Tinder is a social app that basically allows you to scroll through thousands — if not millions — of men on Facebook, offer up a yay or nay based on their photo, and hope that your yay will be reciprocated with a yay on his part and you two will meet up, get married, live happily ever after, and have lots and lots of babies and grandbabies, yadda yadda yadda. Despite MN having written a guide to getting your Tinder on a little while ago, I hadn’t given the dating app a second thought — mostly because I still don’t believe in online dating, though I’ll write more about that later. Nevertheless, on three separate occasions this weekend I heard black women raving, yet mostly ranting, about the app as they sat around discussing two of their favorite topics: men and being single.
It all started Friday night when I went with a co-worker and her friend for drinks. Once we finished mulling over the menu and griping about work, the conversation turned to dating with the friend asking me whether I was single. I don’t know why that question annoys me. OK, yes I do. It’s because I am single and one day I want to be able to answer that question with a “no” and for years I’ve been responding with a “yes.” But also for a person like me who only shares my innermost thoughts in articles as opposed to ladies’ gatherings, I find that question to be rather intrusive because there’s no way you’re getting off the hook with a simple “no.” The follow-ups always run along the lines of “why?” “Are you putting yourself out there?” and my least favorite question,”Have you tried online dating?” And those just aren’t discussions I’m trying to have with women I barely know.
But low and behold I found myself engaging in that same tired dialogue Friday night and the first half of Saturday at a media brunch where, as soon as I walked in the door, ladies were gathered around griping about Tinder and whether they should keep their profiles on the app or be done with those men. I resorted to my favorite tactic in these situations, which is asking the other person so many questions about their life that they have no time to ask me any. But by the time the brunch was over and I hopped on the subway with another attendee and she asked, “so what’s going on with your dating life?” I proceeded to tell her nothing and said, “I’m sorry but I cannot sit through another conversation with a bunch of black women about being single. I just can’t.”
Though she agreed with me, her reasoning was a bit different from mine. This particular attendee felt the topic of discussion was depressing because you find out dating really doesn’t get any better the older you are when so many fabulous black women in their late 30s and 40s have the same complaints as you. I actually found the topic exhausting because it seems to be the only thing black women are interested in talking about these days. In all fairness, single black women was not the focus of the brunch I attended, but that topic rarely ever is. It’s just the subject we tend to fall back on whenever two or three black women are among us. Maybe it’s out of a sense of comradery and the desire to say “girl me too” that we bring up the Where’s Waldo-type topic of finding a man, but I can’t help but also feel this topic comes up so much because of an underlying desire for women to be affirmed. I’m personally just as tired of paying Sallie Mae every month as I am being single, but I don’t walk into events talking about “girl, It’s so hard out here. I just can’t seem to make these student loan payments” because surely someone would tell me pick up a side hustle and get my ish together. And yet when we complain about the single life, in return we are met with affirmations that we are worthy and men just don’t appreciate hard-working, career-focused Alpha females like us because everyone else is telling the same story. And that’s better than wallowing in our sorrows solo, right?
I certainly get the benefit in that but in my mind it tends to do more harm than good when you hear about a bunch of women in the struggle and not a one has reached the promised land. It also reinforces what is clearly our greatest fear, which is that we’ll all be single forever. So, when I sit there and sip my Bellini in silence and suddenly find myself grilled about my dating life, that hysteria that we claim we don’t want our friends and family putting on us because we’re not married or don’t have children still gets passed on, it’s just masked as friendly conversation.
I appreciate sisters trying to build one another up and fight the good fight together in the race to get down the aisle, but it just might do us a little good to stop thinking and talking about what we claim isn’t a problem so much and in turn making it into one for not just ourselves but those around us who are trying to become comfortable in their singleness and retain some ounce of hope for the future! Now excuse me while I go update my Tinder profile. JK.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I’m pretty sure you’re aware HIV/AIDS is affecting African American women at an alarming rate I’m also going to assume you, the reader, are an African American woman and you probably have some African American friends who are also aware of this trend. What I’m not certain of, though, is whether you’re serious about doing anything about it.
Yesterday I attended a blogger brunch hosted by OraSure, the makers of the in-home oral HIV test OraQuick which detects HIV antibodies in your system in as little as 20 minutes. Hosted by Jacque Reid, the purpose of the bruncheon was to brainstorm ways influencers can get the message of safe sex, and more so self-empowerment, to the people who need it most, and as the ladies sat around talking about this initiative an interesting point was brought up. For as much as ladies who lunch enjoy sitting around and talking to our friends about men and how they just got their back blown out or are thinking about giving so and so some, we often drop the ball when it comes to asking our girls how careful they’re being when they give it up.
As one woman went on about how a lot of friends don’t talk to each other about putting our sexual health first I thought, who are these women she’s talking about? And then I realized I just might be one of them. Just a couple of weeks ago a friend of mine was catching me up on her life since I’d last seen her three months ago and part of that entailed informing me that she’d been pregnant by an 0n-again off-again something of a partner and sharing other promiscuous tales. Not wanting to damper the mood of the reunion, I hit her with a light “you need to do better,” but instead of really asking her what’s going on and telling her she needed to be careful (and invest in some condoms and an OraQuick test) I lamented to my other friend how I felt guilty for not saying more.
Ironically enough during the brunch another friend texted me joking that I wasn’t a good friend for not helping her pick out new makeup the last time I saw her. Feeling like there was no time like the present, I responded “While you’re calling me out, let me be a good friend now and ask when’s the last time you’ve been tested and do you and your husband get tested every year?” After asking whether I was implying her husband is cheating, which I was not, she said “Honestly, getting tested hasn’t crossed my mind in years which is soooo crazy because of the number of black women who get it.”
Crazy is most definitely the word to describe her thoughts, but I think common might be another one as well. Though we’ll go hard trying to find a friend a man and get all up in her business then, for some reason it can feel too personal to make our girls’ health a priority, though when she tells us about how some guy put it on her we’ll want all the juicy TMI details.
The reality is a conversation about sexual health with our girls doesn’t have to be super deep and it most certainly shouldn’t be awkward. Most times all we need to do is drop a little hint like “Hey I’m planning to get tested Tuesday, wanna come?” or “Just got back from the doc; I’m clean as a whistle.” Just the sheer mention of HIV/AIDs is usually enough to plant the seed and get people’s minds wandering about whether they really know their status, let alone that of the person they’re sleeping with. Let’s all agree to do better together and make it a priority to remind our girls to be safe.
Some friends are only meant to last for a season while others can last a lifetime, but sometimes, figuring out what type of friendship you have and what category it falls in can be hard. There are ways you can tell when the end of a friendship has come. Whether it’s because of distance or different stages each of you have taken on in life, outgrowing a friend is inevitable, but completely normal. Though we’d like to hold on to ‘Day One’ friends forever, sometimes it’s not possible as we evolve (and as those around us don’t…). We’ve come up with 15 signs that you might be outgrowing a friend, and maybe it will help you make a decision as to whether or not you should cut or keep a friend and try to make things work.
“I Said, ‘Ok, You Can Have My Underwear!’” Oprah Dishes On The Early Days Of Her Friendship With BFF Gayle King
Good friends are extremely tough to come by and some could only hope that they’re lucky enough to form a bond like the one Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King share someday. But their bond is certainly not one that developed overnight. According to the media maven, she met Gayle back in the 70s during her days working as a news anchor.
“Back a lifetime ago, 1976, Baltimore. We were both on a local TV station. She was a production assistant,” Winfrey told Page Six. “I was an anchor.”
It turns out that an extreme snow storm assisted their relationship in progressing from co-workers to friends.
“We became friends, especially after a big snow storm.”
“When she couldn’t go out, get home and didn’t have enough clothes, I said, ‘OK, you can have my underwear.’ But then I added, ‘And don’t return it.’”
Their friendship grew beyond the time they spent at that Baltimore news network and when Oprah made it to the big leagues, she was sure to bring Gayle along for the ride.
“When time came and things happened to me, I asked her to quit her job and come to my new Oprah magazine to help me. But the truth is, the whole time I felt guilty taking her away from TV because I know how much she loved it.”
Now that Gayle is back working in the television industry, the 60-year-old entrepreneur says she couldn’t be more happy for her friend.
“I want to say officially how proud I am of my friend Gayle King,” she gushed. “And now she’s doing so well, and I’m thrilled for her. Mostly because at least she can have her own underwear.”
We absolutely love their friendship.
We all clean out our Facebook friend list from time to time. But what about our real life friend list? If you find yourself stretched thin, worn out and frustrated with the people in your contact list, it may be time to do a little pruning. Here are a few friendships that you can put on pause to save your sanity.
A recent survey revealed that over half of Facebook users unfriended contacts because they never saw them in the real world.
It’s a good reason to cut off real friends too. If they turn down every invite you send their way, next time don’t bother. They’ll get their next invite after you get yours.
This past weekend one of my closest friends came to New York to spend a little quality time together and while here we caught up with a couple of our other friends from college, one of which was a guy we hadn’t seen since she last came to NYC seven years ago. The friend, who I’ll call Lee for the sake of anonymity, got my cell number from my friend so he could call me for directions on how to come to our other friend’s house, and around 8pm or so Saturday night he joined a group of us at her house to play cards, chill, and reminisce.
At the time all was well in the world, around midnight or so he offered to train and cab it with us back to Harlem from our friend’s in Bushwick to make sure we made it home safely, and then went back to his spot. When his number showed up on my cell the next morning I assumed he wanted to meet up again for brunch or something; unfortunately I was confronted with the voice of an unfamiliar woman asking me: “Do you know Lee?” And here comes the B.S.
“Yeah, we went to school together.”
“Were you with him last night?”
“A group of us hung out a mutual friend’s house…if you consider that being with him, then yes.”
“And you know that he has a girl and kids?”
“Yes. I’m aware.”
“Do you know that he’s a liar?”
“Do you know that he’s a liar?”
“No…we don’t know each other like that for the issue of him lying to me to ever be an issue.”
I hang up. Better yet, I hang up irritated, thinking to myself well, there’s the answer to my question about whether he’s still with that crazy girl. But I’m annoyed that this kind of drama has been brought to my doorstep and, unfortunately, it only escalates from there. About an hour or two later, the same number dials my phone. I hesitate to answer, but pick up hoping it’s Lee and he’ll apologize for these shenanigans. It was Lee, but he seemed to be confused about something, saying he was away from his phone and wanted to make sure everything was OK. I realize he must’ve seen my number in his call log and thought I called him and that’s when I brought him up to speed on the morning’s happenings and let him know yes, everything was OK — aside from the mother of his children (she wasn’t quite yet a baby mama in my mind) calling to question me about nonsense.
His response was pretty nonchalant and he got off the phone with me in an awkward “I’ll hit you all up later to see what you all are doing” sort of way that makes me think this occurrence is par for the course with this woman. But then he calls back two minutes later to ask me to go over the conversation again and apologizes, saying he just wanted to make sure she wasn’t being mean. Mean no? Out of line? Yes.
At some point I notice a woman’s voice in the background asking to be put on the phone and I tell Lee in no uncertain terms, “Do not put her on the phone. I’ve already talked to her enough.” At this point, she says something along the lines of you don’t have to put the b%&$! on the phone. I have her number, I’ll call her myself.” And that’s when I promptly let her know that she won’t be calling anyone on the phone and instead of worrying about me sleeping with her baby daddy, which I am not, she needs to go sit her a** in the house somewhere and raise her f!%&ing kids!”
Sorry. Not my finest hour; I know. But why am I’m expected to star in some hood version of Young & The Restless because this insecure woman thinks I’m the reason her relationship has gone to hell and not the man in front of her, not to mention the woman in the mirror? I’ve dealt with less drama with men that I’m actually dealing with. I’ll be damned if I let their dysfunction ruin my Sunday morning. Hell, they shouldn’t be letting it ruin theirs.
To this woman’s (very minor) credit, I understand her being suspicious of Lee coming in at 4/5 am. If we’re being honest, what, or maybe I should say who, are most men doing at that hour if they aren’t home with their woman and children? But that’s not my problem. You see a new number in his phone when you check it — which you have no business doing anyway — and you get curious and wonder who it could be. Again, not my problem. If you want answers, the other woman, who in this case is just a friend, is not the person from which you seek them.
And here’s the bigger issue — aside from disrupting my Sunday morning — if you have to go through all these motions every time your man leaves the house, doesn’t that say something’s not right? If your natural inclination when he steps away from his phone is to snoop through it, does that not speak volumes about your level of trust and insecurities? If he doesn’t have sense enough to come home to you at a decent hour or tell you he’ll be out late with some old friends, does that not indicate a lack of respect and poor communication? And do all of these questions not lead to the central point that you both are the problem and not some random woman who’ve you’ve made up in your mind is ruining your relationship?
During the first call, I wanted to put baby mama’s mind at ease so I was calm and friendly, as opposed to saying what I really wanted to, which was don’t nobody want this man! But crazy doesn’t always recognize logic, so by the third call it was clear this is simply what she does. And rather than leave a bad situation, both parties have chosen to suffer through it and drag along other innocent bystanders along the way, the most obvious of which are their children.
To people like this I say, if you have to do all this, it’s simply not worth it. It being the relationship you’re holding on to by a thread for the sake of the kids or to save money or because you think no one else will want you. At some point don’t you get tired of orchestrating drama? Is wondering who he’s with, what’ they’re doing, where he’s going, and when he’ll be back, not exhausting? And, most importantly, are you not embarrassed by your actions when you create these Tyler Perry-like scenarios every time he leaves the house without you and some other woman you called yourself confronting has to check the mess out of you and your entire life?
I don’t live like this and I don’t associate with folks who do. That’s why when Lee hit my friend up Monday (by email this time) to ask if he could hang with us again I promptly told her no. Then I had my aha moment: some fools never learn.