All Articles Tagged "friendship"
You’re hardheaded, she’s hardheaded and it’s why you got along — but when you fall out it feels like it’s going to be forever. If the friendship’s worth saving working on how you apologize could be enough to patch things up.
It’s The Way You Say It
Sometimes it’s hard to brush the salt off of an apology before you hand it over — especially if you’re still sort of mad. Take a page from Aaliyah’s book and write her a four-page letter. Sometimes it’s easier to get around your emotions when you put it on paper.
Before I was a writer by profession, I was a writer by choice. My mother bought me a diary at seven years old and I still keep one today. Reading my old diaries is fas-cin-a-ting. But the stuff didn’t really start getting juicy (and hilarious and embarrassing) until around middle school. Reading my 7th grade diary today, it was clear that I was learning some very crucial life lessons. Very crucial. And while I thought I’d mastered them in middle school, life has a way of retesting you. Here are the lessons I (and most of us) learned in middle school and learned again in our twenties…or later.
My relationship with my best friend is a bit unorthodox. After all, she’s a woman and that can tend to make the women I date a bit uncomfortable. It’s something that I’ve had to work through for years and it’s definitely not something I haven’t overcome before. In fact, the women I date soon find out that the overwhelming majority of my friends are females and they have to make peace with that — or not. I don’t know how this happened but I can only guess that being raised by a single mother, a grandmother, and single aunts placed me in several circumstances where I was surrounded by women. My second guess would be that after joining a black Greek lettered organization, my need for making male friends outside of the organization was reduced.
Whatever the case may be as far as the development of my inner circle, women who find themselves in relationships with men who have close female friends — without knowing all the details — get suspicious. I’m not a woman and I can’t speak for all of you but let’s say “women’s intuition” really exists and is a supernatural power that all women possess to be able to sniff out a woman after her man. Let’s say that men are inherently naïve when it comes to their female friends and while they may think the relationship is platonic, the girl friend is secretly waiting for the right time to pounce. Even if that’s all well (or not) and true, it’s important not to worry about something that isn’t happening. I’m not saying you should turn a blind eye, I’m just saying, you shouldn’t worry about things that haven’t happened. The only way that situation will play itself out is with the woman looking jealous or insecure: Two traits that are shortly followed by unattractiveness and eventual breakup.
I can tell you from firsthand experience that at a certain point in life and your relationship with your female friends, the relationship reaches a platonic level that cannot be overcome. At that point, it’s really off-putting when you’re accused of wanting to be with them or it’s suggested that they want to be with you. It’s not that I don’t find my female friends to be beautiful or great people, it’s just that I’m not attracted to them. Trust me, I’m typically the last one to know when a mutual male friend of mine is trying to get at them but I always understand why once I find out.
Here’s another reason you probably want to exercise chill when it comes to his female friends; they’re probably closer to him than you are from the onset. Over time you may become closer to him than they are, but that relationship and closeness takes time. If you go into the dating/relationship phase suspicious of the women in his life right away, they’ll have his ear more than you. Also, understand that a man rarely will choose the unknown over the known. Meaning, he has his friends and they’ve likely been there for him for a long time. He’s not going to throw all that away for a relationship with a woman that may not work out in the long run.
Lastly, it’s really on the guy to be concerned about his friendships with women outside of his romantic relationship. Every guy handles it different but it’s his cross to bear. He may see them less, talk to them less or even pull away from them. Or, he may not change a thing at all. It’s important that he dictate that relationship instead of his significant other. For me, it’s important that I maintain my relationship with my best friend but I’m also very quick to inform my significant other of her presence and role in my life. It’s been years that I’ve had this best friend and I go to her for a lot; that’s not going to change overnight. Any woman I date should know this and let it be my concern, not hers.
You’re never really single as long as your BFF is around. You go on dates, know you’re soul mates who are in it to the very end, and deep down you know that while relationships are great, sometimes BFFs are better.
It Was Love At First Sight
From the very first time you hung out, you knew you were going to have a roll dog for life.
Tis the season for reality TV besties to kiss and make up? A few weeks ago, we told you that former “Basketball Wives” star Evelyn Lozada expressed a desire to patch things up with friend-turned-foe, Jennifer Williams. Now, it seems that Cynthia Bailey is also ready to bury the hatchet and move forward with ex-friend, NeNe Leakes.
“It’s a friendship,” Cynthia told the QC Scene. “We had a rough patch and I’m really looking forward to moving forward with her. I will always have love for NeNe regardless of whether we’re besties or not.”
As for whether or not a reconciliation will actually happen, Cynthia encouraged fans to tune in for the new season to find out.
“You just have to watch the show to see how the dynamics of our relationship, friendship has changed and evolved,” she said.
Nene recently spoke to us about her friendship with Cynthia and has this to say:
“Cynthia I honestly had a real friendship with her. I don’t know where all this is coming from. But it was sorted out on season 7 for all of your guys to see. But I must say I feel like I’m a great friend to everybody who’s really been a friend in my life.”
It’ll be interesting to see whether or not a reconciliation will actually occur, as NeNe has stated in recent months that she and the model-turned-reality-star’s friendship is a dead issue.
“I think that’s a done deal for me. I think that our friendship was great,” she told Us Weekly. “I feel like I was a great friend to her, I honestly think she was a great friend for me, I just think that our friendship has come to an end. It’s run its course.”
Do you think Cynthia and NeNe should give their friendship another try?
Like romantic relationships, it bothers me when people demand behavior from others that they don’t even exhibit themselves. In a world where we’re quick to call “friend” anyone who likes more than two of our Facebook posts, I’m convinced that most of us wouldn’t recognize a friend if it were Courtney Cox or Jennifer Aniston starring in a 90’s sitcom. Worst yet, we spend so much time trying to figure out who are true friends are, that we don’t take time to see if we’re being one ourselves.
Friendship isn’t about sharing outdated memories on-line when Facebook reminds you it’s your old roommate’s birthday. It’s about truly caring about the well-being of someone DNA says you’re technically not obligated to. Here are 11 signs that you’re playing your part:
Yesterday, we told you that K. Michelle called out her former friend, Elle Varner, on Instagram over an apparent disagreement about style-jacking and writer credits. In case you missed it, K took to Instagram thew a bit of shade regarding a photograph of Elle and rapper Meek Mills, which was uploaded on Instagram.
“People be smiling in the pictures not knowing they getting dissed in the caption. HA! You definitely need a REFILL as thirsty as you are. Jokes on you and you didn’t even know it!” K wrote over the weekend in an Instagram photo message that was later removed.
“I hope you get attention from that cuz you sure don’t get it from your music,” she captioned the image.
During a recent chat with The Jasmine Brand, Elle commented on her ex-friend’s actions and it doesn’t appear that she’ll be mud-slinging with the former “Love & Hip Hop Atlanta” star.
“That’s unfortunate that she feels the way that she feels. I don’t. I never have. That’s something—I can’t. I don’t do drama.”
As for K’s claims that Meek was clowning her in the photo’s caption, which read “#nocurvezone” Elle says:
“If anyone remembers the Meek Mill drama and me saying I curved him. That was my first time seeing him since and we laughed it off. It was funny. It got taken out of proportion Whatever she took from that is not my problem.”
Elle also responded to K. Michelle insisting that she wrote her single, “Cold Case.”
“I wrote ‘Cold Case.’ Sorry, I have to say that. No one else did. I solely wrote that song.”
Well, that’s that.
Follow Jazmine on Twitter @JazmineDenise
Are you irritable? Tired all the time? Or just plain unhappy? Before you see a doctor it could be time to self-diagnose a toxic friendship.
You’re Dimming Your Light
She says she’s happy for you, but you can tell she’s not. So instead of shouting your good news, you play it off as no big deal so she won’t get upset. Instead of putting up with rain on your parade, it might be time to shine in a sky with fewer clouds.
If it always seems like pregnancies among your social circles come back to back or in multiples, a new study suggests that it’s not all in your head. According to the study, young women whose high school friends have bore children are more likely to join the mommy club shortly after. Researchers note that they noticed the trend in young women in the United States who planned their pregnancies. However, the baby-making decisions of friends showed no direct impact on unplanned pregnancies.
“In our study we focus on high school friends because the later a friendship is formed, the more likely it is that the individual chooses the friends on common future family plans or common family orientations,” Nicoletta Balbo, a researcher at the Carlo F. Dondena Center for Research on Social Dynamics at Bocconi University in Italy told Reuters Health.
The study followed 1,170 of women beginning in the 1990s when they were adolescents. The participants were interviewed several times over the years. Out of the 1,170 participants, 820 became pregnant during the study. According to what the women revealed during interviews, approximately half of the pregnancies were planned, while the other half were not. The study revealed that after one friend in each pair had a baby, the likelihood of that other friend having a baby went up for nearly two years, the declined.
According to Balbo, who coauthored the study with Nicola Barban, a sociologist at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands, there are three ways in which a friend may influence another friend’s decision to have a child.
“The first mechanism that might be at play is the so-called social influence,” she said. “We all compare ourselves to our friends and being surrounded by friends who are parents makes us feel pressure to conform to parental status as well.”
The second mechanism is social learning, says Balbo.
“Friends are an important learning source,” she explained. “Becoming a parent is a radical change in an individual’s or a couple’s life, and by observing our friends, we can learn how to fulfill this new role and therefore be more willing to become parents.”
Lastly, Balbo says having children at the same time as a friend can prove to be less stressful and more cost-effective.
“For example, we can share the childbearing experience and thus reduce the stresses and costs associated with pregnancy and child rearing,” she said. “In contrast, being the only childless couple within a group of friends who have children can lead to isolation.”
Researchers note that the association between friends and childbearing was only studied in first-borns and not subsequent births.
I know, you’re exhausted, right? You’re thinking: “Another RHOA article?” Well, just read me out and we’ll see if we can get through this together, deal? All right!
Beyond the hair pulling, and blame dodging, I zoned in on the deterioration of the friendship between Nene Leakes and Cynthia Bailey. Most people were quick to cast blame, but I couldn’t pick a side. I could see where both parties had been wrong. Nene’s seemed glaringly obvious and Cynthia’s fault seemed more covert. I understand those dynamics. The reason is because I’ve been in Cynthia’s shoes in the past, and when I was in her shoes, I was the reason for one of the most important friendships that I had ending for seven years.
Zoe* and I became best friends our freshman year of high school. Through that time, we were inseparable and she was a strong force in my life. She encouraged me when I needed it, and was there through very rough times. At the same time, I was there for her as well. Our personalities complimented each other, because she was very outspoken, and stubborn and I’m very accommodating and “go-with-the-flow”ish.
These traits in our personalities went well with our life choices when she went into the Marines after high school and I went to college. Even through that separation, we were still incredibly close, and when I needed a ride home one year because my family couldn’t make the drive, she picked me up after a weekend of PT and drove me home.
Though we were both important to each other, that didn’t stop the fact that we would occasionally get on each other’s nerves. Zoe would speak up and let me know how she felt. I, on the other hand, would hold everything in. Even after she asked me about it, I would shake my head and say: “I’m fine,” even if I wasn’t.
So after years of sailing on a tepid surface, a storm was raging for both of us beneath the water’s crest.
The ish hit the fan when I couldn’t make it to her wedding (I was the maid of honor… I know, I’m horrible! I told her about a month before, but it was still a crappy thing.)
She was upset at me (and rightfully so) for not being able to be there for her. As much as it was painful, I accepted it and took blame for it. But then we had a very unfortunate email incident that happened due to an email forward chain, and I became upset about years of multiple incidents that piled on, and on that I felt like I had put up with. But when I couldn’t make it for her this one time she couldn’t understand how my circumstances wouldn’t allow me to make it. Then, there was nothing.
Seven years of silence erased nine years of friendship. However, one day, we reconnected and finally had the conversation that we should have had all those years ago. We put everything on the table and were finally able to be completely open and honest.
We’re slowly rebuilding things back, and I did learn some important things.
No matter how uncomfortable confronting someone can be when they hurt you, it’s better to do so when it happens. That’s what was missing from Cynthia’s confrontation with Nene. Like Nene said, they’d spent time with each other after “Bitchgate,” but what Nene didn’t realize was that Cynthia was probably reliving that moment and many others like that mentally. It was bubbling, and stewing, and when she re-watched that episode, that’s when she finally boiled over because she never fully addressed that hurt and any past ones from their friendship.
So if you don’ t learn anything else from this situation, learn that:
1. Obsessing over past incidents aren’t helping you out, they’re only hurting you and that relationship. Learn to either address it then or let it go.
2. Learn to live in the present, because dwelling in the past is going to hinder your progress with that person.
3. Confrontation might be unpleasant, but the eventual blow up that happens because you were stewing will end a friendship faster than if you were honest with your pain when it happened.
4. For God sakes, if you’re someone’s bridesmaid, go to the wedding!
Now you know, and knowledge is power!