All Articles Tagged "friends"

Cut Buddies – Can Your Jumpoff Help Heal a Lonely Heart?

February 21st, 2015 - By Brooke Dean
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As a fan of the BET series Being Mary Jane, I was eager for season 2 to begin and see what adventures await MJ in the love department. After all, at the end of season 1 we discovered that her true love was having a baby with someone else. Now, that she has discovered it as well this season, I was curious to see how she’d react knowing that the man she thought would one day be her husband is now off-limits to her. At the end of this past week’s episode, rather than wallow in her sorrows after he was playing with her emotions, she called her cut buddy and let it all out on him. Oh my! Didn’t see that one coming…but hey, when you can’t get with the one you love…

What I found amusing was she actually had him listed in her phone as her “cut buddy.” Urban Dictionary defines a “cut buddy”  as the following:

cut buddy – noun
A person who is not your boyfriend or girlfriend with whom you have sexual relations, on the mutual understanding that you want sex and nothing more. 2. A sex partner to whom you have no special attachment. A person you occasionally have sex with.

Now, you could also call him your “jumpoff” or your “f*&k buddy.” Same thing right? Whatever you call it, there are benefits to having such a person in your life. Whether it’s not wanting to be alone that night, feeling unwanted or unloved, or simply feeling horny, as long as you are two consenting adults then roll with it. As a woman, there are times when our body wants what we know our mind doesn’t. He’s the fine Mandingo with the brain the size of a peanut. He’s hot as hell, a nice guy perhaps and you like him JUST enough to give him some. You think he’s adorable, but maybe intellectually or emotionally lacking. He may be great, but he may be too young…you know, like the intern. You don’t want to date him or bring him around your friends or family…ever. But the chemistry between you is electric. You want the lovin’, but no strings attached. Do you deny yourself? What do you do? That’s up to you, but if you decide to make him your cut buddy…then here are the rules:

Rule #1: Be honest about what you want upfront – with yourself and each other. Negotiating a long-term, friends-with-benefits type situation can be tricky for some ladies. Men are seemingly born knowing how to detach emotions from sex – I think it’s in their DNA. Some can spend a whole night with you, then trip over you the next day and not even recognize you. But women can have a harder time of it. Some women wind up feeling used or like they’re promiscuous. I realize it’s a double standard, but if you’re uncomfortable with it, don’t do it. Man or woman, make sure you BOTH know upfront that it’s all about sex and nothing else. That way neither will feel like they’re being used by the other.

Rule #2: It ain’t about “We.” Avoid using pronouns like “us” or “we,” and all talk of plans further into the future than the hour it takes him to get to your place is not allowed.

Rule #3: No meals together. Acceptable dining situations include maybe a bowl of cereal in the morning before he bounces…or maybe a late-night grilled cheese or some Hot Pockets (3 minutes in the microwave) after the deed is done. Meals to be avoided are breakfast, brunch, dinner, or any other setting where you actually have to talk to each other at length. Speaking of talking…

Rule #4: Limit conversation. In this past week’s episode, MJ’s cut buddy asked her if she was okay and even followed up by saying, “you know I can actually talk.” MJ simply responded with “I’m good.” Good girl. She knows that any questions any more probing than “do you have condoms?” and “how fast can you get here?” can get a little sticky. Your jumpoff shouldn’t want to hear about your day, who pissed you off at work, or how cute your nephew is. Keep it light and keep it moving.

Rule #5: This probably goes without saying, but no socializing outside of the bedroom. He doesn’t meet your friends, you don’t meet his. That goes double for family members. The best thing about having a jumpoff is that he’s your dirty little secret.

Sex with no strings can get tricky if you’re not honest about what you want. It’s easy for one of you to catch feelings, so keeping those rules in mind should help you avoid that. Even if you’re in love with someone else, as in the case of Mary Jane, don’t think that your cut buddy can confuse your emotions even more. While having a jumpoff may help ease the pain of a broken heart, it’s no substitute for true healing, so tread lightly…and be safe.

Question: Can He Have Female Friends?

December 12th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Image Source: Oxygen

Image Source: Oxygen

Him: Babe, This is my Homegirl,
You: Oh. Hey.

Everybody wants to be the cool girlfriend, but then paranoia sets in. No matter how secure or “cool with it” we pretend to be, these are the overreactions we’ve all had when we finally meet the man of our dreams… and his female BFF.

Celebrities Taken Down By Frenemies

October 28th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Are there any bad apples hiding out in your group? These celebrities found out they were suffering from a serious case of frenemies when their former friends nearly ended their careers.

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Shonda Rhimes

Shonda Rhimes gave her friend Katherine Heigl fame when she cast her in the hit show Grey’s Anatomy. Katherine Heigl returned the favor by withdrawing her 2008 Emmy nomination for the show and telling the Acadamey that Shonda’s writing wasn’t worthy of it (even though she won an Emmy for Grey’s Anatomy the year before).

Shonda Rhimes responded by moving on to the next hit show. Katherine’s career has struggled ever since.

The Types Of Instagram Friends Every Black Woman Has

October 28th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Scroll down your feed for 30 seconds and you’ll find most of these Instagram friends filling up you’re page. They get on our nerves, make us laugh and they’re the reason we check our feed even before we get out of bed.

A photo posted by Oreal Flores (@ore0319) on

Your Single-est Friend

Who gives daily hints to her single male followers helpful lessons on “how to be a good woman.” Because apparently she’s an expert.

Surprisng Celebrity BFFS

October 27th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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Celebrity life isn’t all make-ups and break-ups. These celebrity best friends are some of Hollywood’s longest-lasting couples. But what we want to know is, which BFF pair are you?

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Beyonce Knowles And Gwyneth Paltrow

The Unexpected Twosome: We don’t know that we would have paired the 33-year-old chart-topper and 42-year-old A-list actress to be celebrity besties for life. But sometimes the best friendships form just when you’re not expecting them.

The Moment I Realized How Much Money Matters In Friendship

August 10th, 2014 - By Toya Sharee
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finances can affect friendships


When it comes to friendship, most of us would like to believe we’ve built bonds with our closest buddies based on respect, loyalty and compatibility that run way deeper than something as fluid as finances. But this summer I learned, just like relationships, money and spending styles can make or break friendships. It’s only one of the sad realities behind why your late twenties are often filled with letting go of relationships that you discover are past their prime.

More than money, it’s about lifestyle choices. And I realized how much a friend resented mine when he hit me with a, “Money just seems to fall into your lap.” Harmless, right? Maybe even complimentary, only coming from him I knew that what he was actually doing was discrediting all of my hard work. He was justifying some of his own bad financial decisions by saying somehow God bypassed him and made it rain on me. It was hurtful, but more than that confusing as he had a front row seat to me working 2 internships my senior year, the job rejection pile I couldn’t bring myself to throw away and working 2 jobs for most adult life just to get by. If anyone could attest to the fact that my post-graduate struggle was real, it was him.

I am by no means balling, but luckily by 30 I’ve been able to steadily climb in my career to a point where I can afford to have the basics plus take a decent vacation every year. And it isn’t without a whole lot of work and sacrifice. But with that, I have friends that have definitely caught some bad breaks after undergrad who haven’t made quite as much progress or who just have yet to find that same place of financial stability. As a result there’s often a lack of meeting of the minds when it comes to everything from picking a restaurant to eat at to who’s filling up the tank to drive there.

In the past few years I’ve found myself really altering my behavior to accommodate my friends. What’s the point of a vacation or karaoke night at a sushi bar if you have no one to enjoy it with? When someone is low on funds, I’ll pick up the dinner tab. Can’t afford the flight? Just pay me back. I find myself biting my tongue when I refer to what I think is expensive or inexpensive. And I do all of this trying my best to not appear arrogant or pretentious.  In the process when it comes to job leads, saving money, paying down debt and building credit I try to give advice when asked on what’s worked for me because as cheesy as it may sound, I have a dream that one day my friends and family will be able to live the good life together.

As much as we’d like to pretend it doesn’t, money makes a difference. And whether you’re the friend who’s always pulling out their Visa at Olive Garden or the one ordering breadsticks because you don’t want to be a burden, it can create tension between all involved. What I started to notice after I realized my wallet was getting work is that I started to attack my friends’ lifestyle choices. I got tired of always footing the bill for our fun and it became hard to tell if my friends were even trying to contribute anymore. Also, it seemed like the one with the money was making all the decisions so our friendship revolved entirely around what I wanted to do all the time which got pretty boring.

I turned from a person who thought it best to stay out my friends’ pockets to a judgmental financial planner who criticized every purchase they made I considered frivolous. I was someone I didn’t want to be: Dangerously close to being a plaintiff on People’s Court because I was turning from a BFF to a snarky loan shark.

What I learned though is that good people can be bad with money, and no one is immune to a bad break, even myself. Who knows? In a few years I might be in financial ruin and find myself declining a happy hour or two because my wallet decided that gas money was more important than a margarita. The key to money not being so big of a deal is to admit that it does matter. Be honest with your friends about your budget, and if you’ve got a good set they’ll find a way to have fun with what you’re working with. If you are always the one reaching for the bill, do it because you can and want to, not because you think you can’t have fun (or friendship) without it. Don’t harbor resentment or assume being broke is always the result of bad decision making.

Whether you’re balling or riding the bench on Team Brokeback, remember this: You shouldn’t have to front for your friends. It’s like Oprah once said, “Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” And luckily I have friends that will (and have) walk with me long after the bus stops running. And when you can get past who’s picking up the tab, that’s what makes the difference.

Toya Sharee is a community health educator and parenting education coordinator who has a  passion for helping  young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health.  She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.



Signs You’ve Accidentally Fallen In Love With Your Best Friend

August 6th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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In Love With Your Best Friend

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Can men and women ever really be friends? Anything is possible. But a recent study found that if your BFF is of the opposite sex one of you is probably in love. Here’s how to tell if your friendship has snuck out of the neutral zone.

Friendly, But Not Friends? Shady Moves Real Girlfriends Never Pull

April 22nd, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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On the last episode of “Basketball Wives LA,” Draya was still offended that Brandi said they were “friendly but not friends.” But is that not an accurate status for two women who are just getting to know one another?

It’s clear some people have a hard time differentiating between what makes someone friendly, but not friends, so here are some things a real friend would never do.

things a real friend would never do

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Cause Friction Between You and Your Husband

When NeNe called her friend Cynthia’s husband a “bish”, we had a feeling that that friendship was over.

Friends don’t put friends in a position to choose between their mate and their friendship.

7 People To Stay Away From During A Breakup

March 10th, 2014 - By Julia Austin
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During A Breakup


When you’re going through a breakup, you want comfort wherever you can find it. But some comfort comes at a price. Here are seven people to stay away from during a breakup.





The Quarter-Life Crisis And Why The Success Of Your Peers Doesn’t Make You A Failure

March 6th, 2014 - By Nicole Akoukou Thompson
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Soror Rachel just got engaged and her wedding will be in Austin, TX, taking place just two days prior to my freshman roommate Trish’s baby shower in Chicago. Of course, I have to cross my fingers and hope that those dates don’t conflict with the date of my twin sister’s grad school graduation from (*insert name of fancy university*).With all of these things on my plate, I’m just hoping it won’t interfere with me watching a new episode of Scandal

At this point, if you’re like me, you may feel like should have accomplished more for yourself by now than just having good looks, a winning personality, a fancy degree (where my liberal arts folks at!?), your hopes, and being a gladiator for Olivia Pope. In your mid to late 20s, your peers have been making it rain fifties and hundreds at every social outing, while you frequently collect change from cushions and crevices so that you can fund a trip to the neighborhood bodega to buy a bag of UTZ sour cream and onion chips for dinner.

The Internet hasn’t helped either. It constantly updates you on every single life change and triumph that your peers encounter. Facebook and every other social media outlet have made everyone else’s advancements readily available for your consumption. After scrolling through your newsfeed, you feel like you’re still playing dress-up while everyone else is suited up for real. You may be happy for your friends and you can certainly “like” their actions on Facebook and Instagram, but it doesn’t make you a bad person for being a little over seeing it all.

Everyone that you know seems to be frying bigger fish and doing big things in their lives. You’re just finding your footing, and that makes you stressed about your future. Trust me, I can fully relate.

Top-tier careers, engagements, marriages, pregnancies, children, and/or benevolently living abroad while developing water irrigation systems and feeding the hungry children of Malawi–my peers seem to be doing it all. But there are two things I had to remind myself to do:

Relax, and breathe.

Life is not a race…even though it may feel like you’re always finishing last.

I learned that your peer’s success does not equal your failure, and if someone’s newsfeed is getting you down then you might need a break from social media in general. If other people’s happiness is making you feel left out, and affecting you on a basic level –destroying your mood one  update at a time — then you should unplug. Stop reading about what other people are doing and work on yourself. Also, actively pursuing your own goals or even spending time to decide and pinpoint what your life goals are is just as valuable as achieving a goal.

There’s no satisfaction to be had when unfairly comparing yourself to someone who appears to be doing “better” than you. When you compare the worst aspects of yourself with someone’s best, it’s damaging to your sense of self – and it doesn’t help you accomplish your goals.

Additionally, you don’t really know the lives of the people that you’re comparing yourself to. You don’t know what struggles or difficulties they may be facing or what they had to overcome to get where they are. Their priorities may be completely different than yours and they may have made sacrifices that you wouldn’t be willing to make.

And hey, some of them could just be faking it like everyone else, in which case, you can’t compare yourself against inaccurate information. Many people are pretending that they’re more accomplished or happier than they actually are. And on top of that, nepotism isn’t just a word, it’s how a lot people are getting by nowadays. Knowing people, making connections and networking like it’s nobody’s business is getting a lot of people very far. Because a friend’s cousin’s sister’s nephew went to church with Jane Doe, they have an in, and you’re left feeling like you’re on the outs.

Try to make a list of your accomplishments, so that you can remind yourself of all that you’ve done and the things you want to do. Create a checklist that’s comprised of big things and small things, so that you’re always checking things off of your list. Do this so that you realize the importance of achieving conceivable small and big goals. And, finally, pace yourself. Take your time and enjoy your life. Incessantly obsessing about progression toward a large goal is like weighing yourself after every meal and hoping to have lost weight after each weigh in…we all know that things don’t work that way.