When someone betrays your trust and truly breaks your heart, it’s always difficult to heal that wound. Maybe your boyfriend or spouse left without warning. Maybe you finally had the courage to leave him after years of abuse. No matter how it happened, a broken heart can leave deep and lasting scars  that can damage future relationships.  It’s important to try  to move past the hurt in order to live a healthy, full life and love again. Here’s some advice to begin the healing process.

by Holly Stokes

Why should we forgive?

It’s important to forgive because the resentments that we hold onto mostly affect us, not the other person that we are angry with. Any resentments that we hold get in the way of our happiness. Much like spots on a windshield, we can’t see our lives effectively if we haven’t washed off the spots that get in the way of our clarity. Our brain records all our memories and our
emotions together. You may have found yourself driving down the road and thinking about a past event, even though the event is over and done. As you think about the event, you experience the same emotions that you felt at the time.

As you think of an old argument, you feel angry or frustrated all over again. It’s hard to move your life forward if you keep getting sucked into negative emotions of the past. If we carry lot of resentments, it gets in the way of our quality of life.

Another way to think of forgiving is to think of it as letting go. Even though some people may not “deserve” forgiveness, we don’t forgive them for their sake, we forgive for our own wellbeing. Forgiving the past can improve your quality of life, it can improve your happiness, and allow you greater clarity in moving forward. As we forgive others, we are better able
to move forward in our lives, without getting sucked into the negatives of the past.

1. Identify any positive lessons from the situation. Sometimes the positive lessons can be how to avoid such a situation in the future.

2. Fix the negative ideas. From negative experiences, we can take on negative ideas about life, the world, other people, or ourselves. Identify any negative ideas you picked up from the event and replace it with more positive and supportive ideas. For example, one client I had was going through a divorce and picked up on the idea that “relationships are painful,” which led her to avoid dating and getting involved. Instead of forming negative ideas, look at the ideas you took on from the situation and change them to ones that will be more positive and supporting.

3. Process the negative emotions. Get clear about what you felt from the event. Journaling about the event is helpful for identifying negative emotions and expressing your emotions about the situation.

4. Make a Choice. With the negative events we experience, sometimes it’s easy to feel like a victim. But, recognize that you can make a new choice. Say, “I choose to let this situation go.”

5. Change the memory with visualization. Imagine seeing the other people involved in the situation, and imagine yourself in a bubble of light (especially helpful for traumatic events as if the bubble is a shield or protection). See each of the people in their own bubble and imagine sending them back to themselves. Imagine seeing the situation as you would have liked to experience it. For example, if you had an argument with someone, imagine seeing the resolution of the argument. This changes how the brain codes the memory, so that when you remember the event, it will also have the information of the changed memory.

6. Call on your Higher Power. If you are having a difficult time letting go of the past event or the feelings of hurt, ask your higher power to help you release and let go of the situation. You only have to be willing to let go, and offer it up to your higher power.

Holly Stokes, The Brain Trainer, works with clients all across the U.S. to Get More Of What You Want Out of Life! Whether Life Happiness, Weight Loss, Love and Relationships or Business Success, she uses Life Coaching for creating clarity and direction with your goals, and “brain training” to set up your mind for success with motivation and focus to achieve what you want.

For many women, the start of a new year is a time for focusing on physical health. As a result, many of our New Year’s Resolutions revolve around losing weight, eating healthy, and exercising. While these are all positive resolutions, achieving optimal health involves a balance. Black women face many stresses in our lives that can adversely affect our physical and mental health. Thus, the beginning of a new year should also be a time to reflect and focus on our emotional and spiritual health. Are you having trouble dealing with stress? Are you the person you want to be?  Are your relationships what you’d like them to be? This year, focus on keeping resolutions that will help you achieve optimal health in 2011. While it’s great that you’ve decided to lose those extra 10 pounds, or eat more vegetables, make sure you don’t neglect your mental and spiritual health. Here are a few things that every black woman should do for her health in 2011.