All Articles Tagged "finding love"
Back in January, I decided it was a new year, and I would revisit my search for love. While everyone else was writing down their resolutions and goals for the year, a friend suggested that I write down all the qualities I wanted in a man. So I got to it. I wrote down everything that I wanted and not the superficial stuff like money, cars–you know, things that I would work for and get myself. I wanted things deeper than surface junk. I was looking for someone to spiritually connect with, someone to learn from and grow with. So I wrote down my list of qualities, spoke them into the atmosphere, and drilled them into my mind.
Things went downhill from there.
For most women, we have a list of standards that we would like to see come to fruition in a man. But then again, we also don’t know what we want until we actually get it, so the list is constantly changing. In my case, I started to realize that I give love, at first sight, a whole new meaning. I tend to fall too soon and easily for a part of someone before I get to know the whole them. What’s crazy is at 25, I find myself single, but with a full list of men in my corner. I’ve either gotten tired of them, or they just weren’t for me according to my standards. I was trying to create a voodoo man who didn’t exist in real life. You see, I was falling in love with specific qualities and traits and then allowing myself to catapult head over heels in a short time frame. But when reality set in and I noticed some things I didn’t like, I was easing my way out the door.
I wanted longevity, something stable and comfortable, and when I finally found that I lost myself in it for six years. In love and planning a life with someone, but having no idea of who I was. I wanted a creative and artistic guy who understood my lifestyle, and when I got that, I fell in love within the first month. Within the first three months, we were having conversations that people who’ve been together for three years weren’t even having. Things got serious between us really quickly, but as time went on I realized I wasn’t able to handle his baggage like I thought I could. It was emotionally taxing and he just wouldn’t let me in.
One thing I’ve realized is that hurt changes people. You either become cold and closed off to the idea of love or you’re left wide open, vulnerable and wearing your heart on your sleeve. My heart was on my exposed on my sleeve and in the midst of not wanting to be lonely and desiring love, I didn’t realize I was neglecting the one person who I needed to be loving on the most: myself. I also learned that there were two important factors needed in my life that I was missing, and that was time and patience.
I have since learned that there are ways to take things slow. And by taking things slowly, I mean to actually date and get to know someone before allowing the big emotions to get involved. Here a few tips.
Establish a clear foundation
Just to be clear, it is important to know that love won’t happen overnight. A relationship won’t successfully come into form overnight. Allow yourself some time to get to know this person. Establish a clear understanding of what you’re looking. If you want something serious, be upfront about that. I’ve learned that the most common line we use is “Well, I’m not looking for anything serious, but if it happens I’m not opposed to it.” It’s our safety net, but it’s a corny safety net. Just be real. If you are looking for something serious, say that. If not, then say that as well. We can’t predict the future, but having a clear understanding of our paths is important when it comes to navigating the dating world before we end up falling head over heels for any and every guy.
Hang out with him in different settings
People act a different way in different places. People react to things differently depending on where they’re at and who they’re with, so getting that well-rounded view into their social lives is important. You might not like how they handle conflict or how they speak to people, and that will definitely keep you from falling in love too fast. I once dated a guy who was very rude to employees at places where he was was being serviced, including at restaurants and in checkout lines.
Check them out on social media
In the world of social media, you can create any life or story for yourself and fool anyone who doesn’t know you. But I believe that nothing is a lie. What you post says a lot about how you think and what you’re into. If you’re always posting pictures of yourself with a drink, I’m going to assume you drink a lot. It’s the same assumption with cigarettes, weed, and other things. Even though I don’t think our lifestyles have to be the exact same, they should agree or at least complement each other.
Take off the detective hat and let life happen
If you’re looking for something to go wrong, it most likely will. Once the nitpicking starts, everything becomes a problem. You’ll spend so much time looking for what’s wrong with a guy and what you don’t like about them to the point where you won’t be able to appreciate what’s right.
Lord knows it can be hard to find love out here in these streets. And when you find it, chances are you won’t be so willing to give it up. But what if the object of your affection is closely related to you? No, not your second cousin. What if he’s your brother?
I know. It’s never really a good time to talk about incest but this is exactly what happened to Adriana, a 39-year-old Brazilian woman and her 37-year-old husband Leandro.
According to the Daily Mail, Adriana and Leandro have been together for seven years and have a six year old daughter.
The couple, who wish to maintain their privacy and won’t reveal their surnames, spent their lives trying to locate their birth mothers after having been abandoned when they were still babies.
They were told that both of their mothers were called Maria but the name is so common, they didn’t think much of it.
Adriana hadn’t seen her mother since she was one, when she left her to be raised by her father. And Leandro learned at eight years old that his mother had abandoned him and the woman who had raised him was actually his stepmother.
Leandro stayed in the same town in which he was born, in Sao Paulo, in southeast Brazil. But Adriana moved around, working as a housemaid. She was married for 15 years and had three children.
But when her marriage came to an end, she moved back home where she met and fell in love with Leandro. Shortly after, the couple moved in together.
The two continued their quests to find their mothers.
Last month, Adriana contacted a local radio station to ask for help. And this week she and her mother were reunited on air.
During the program, “The Time Is Now,” which specializes in finding lost relatives, Adriana’s mother revealed she also had a son who didn’t know her, named Leandro. And eventually, it became clear that Adriana’s husband and her mother’s son are the same person.
Adriana wept on the radio as she told her mother:
“I don’t believe that you’re telling me this. Leandro is my husband.”
By the end of the interview, it seemed that Adriana had already made her decision about what she was going to do in terms of her relationship.
“Now I’m scared to go home and find out that Leandro doesn’t want me anymore. I love him so much.”
Yesterday, Adriana and Leandro, who never married legally, have said that they are going to stay together despite learning that they are brother and sister.
“Only death is going to separate us. All this happened because God wanted it to happen. Of course it would have been different if we had known all this before, but we didn’t and we fell in love. We thought it was funny that both our mothers had the same name, but it is a common name so we just thought it was a coincidence. At first we were really knocked by it all but we had a family meeting and told everyone that we are going to stay husband and wife, whatever anyone might think. We have so many plans together, nothing’s going to break us up, nothing.”
Adriana and Leandro both say that they don’t blame their mother for leaving them and have spoken with her several times and plan to meet up soon.
Inside the story, The Daily Mail, included a table containing information about genetic sexual attraction. They write:
A phenomenon called genetic sexual attraction can occur when estranged relatives meet for the first time as adults.
Feelings of intense intimacy can be confused as the brain struggles to associate each other as family.
When families grow up together, an inherent taboo is created which desensitizes them to sexual attraction.
It is known as the Westermarck effect but is missing from relatives who do not know each other.
This is tragic right?
Arguably, having those abandonment issues, growing up without a mother, at least on Adriana’s part, the potential of losing Leandro may feel even more grave.
And while I would hate to be placed in that situation, I can’t help but ask myself what I would do in that same predicament. I just don’t know if things would ever be the same romantically knowing that dude was my brother. And I would like to think I would be content knowing that he would always be in my life and I would always love him, just not romantically or sexually anymore. But then again, I’ve never fallen in love with a man only to learn later he’s family… What would you do– or what do you think you would do if you were Adriana?
I have been experiencing a love drought lately. Which I am sure, you must know, means daily mood swings that tend to drive those closest to me bonkers. My friends are fed up and wish they had the remedy for my ailment but alas! It’s up to me to dig myself out of this particular hole.
One sunny afternoon at work, I found myself scouring the internet for information that would help settle my chaotic nerves. I ended up on an enlightening article, courtesy of Forbes that displayed the top cities in the States afflicted with the virus of LOVE.
Apparently, I am perfectly situated because New York City came in 2nd, right behind D.C, that surprisingly, garnered the No. 1 spot for finding and falling in love. Houston, TX, Los Angeles, CA, Dallas, TX, San Francisco, CA, Charlotte, NC, Denver, CO, and Seattle, WA all followed suit.
In all honesty, if I had to guess which cities would make the cut, I would have most likely cited more than half of the ones that made the list. They are all culturally diverse stations, bursting with opportunities and would obviously provide the perfect backdrop to a summertime romance. So why am I still searching?
I live in NYC, and I have endured my share of dating rituals but yet I have still come up empty. I have friends who are located in LA and San Francisco, and they are also singing the same tune. We were all convinced that once we set up shop, finding Mr. Right would be the least of our worries. But perhaps we were a little too quick with our assumptions. I can only speak for myself when I say that I totally romanticized the idea of living in The Big Apple. It seemed like a no brainer that I would find a willing contender in a sea of moving options nestled on an island declared as the “melting pot” of America.
It took me almost a decade to understand the mechanics behind a thriving cosmopolitan. New York City is a galaxy comprised of debutantes, socialites and families overflowing with old money. These are the people that get first dibs on eligible bachelors. Gals like me get the leftovers, and that usually translates into desperately hungry married men, uncharismatic weaklings, and guys who are searching for Kate Upton lookalikes. So, basically you have to be prepared to work overtime just so snag a decent date, and then accept the fact that you may not be good enough to make it to the next round which usually includes an invitation to The Hamptons (New York’s version of a summer resort) – if you are lucky.
You are actually better off avoiding the big city action because after all that excitement, you are still waking up alone on Sunday mornings. I think that Forbes got it wrong! I truly believe that the more obscure venues provide a promising forecast. I imagine that if I moved to Oregon, or New Orleans or even Austin, TX, I would be amazed at how many times I am able to fall in love. After pounding the pavement without any realized results, I am wondering if it might be worth it to pack up and settle in a town where the guys are readily eager to make me feel like the special girl I know I am.
If you are willing to move for a job, why not make that same sacrifice for love?
I used to be in love with being in love. There, I said it. I was secretly a helpless romantic in spite of my hard exterior, so sometimes this clouded my vision and altered my decisions. Oddly, when I was not in a relationship or seriously dating, I had my priorities in order. I focused on me, my career, my spirituality, and family and friends; but the minute I thought I had found Mr. Right, my priorities would become all wrong. And not that it makes me feel any better, but I’ve realized that many women go through moments like this.
Relationships should be complimentary to an already whole person. And while this sounds cliché, it’s true. The thing is, some women equate wholeness to finances, jobs, health, etc. However, deep down, some of us have a lingering feeling that life will get better when our men come along. If this is this case, usually a relationship will only interfere with priorities until we truly feel whole without a boo.
When I finally got out of debt (well, almost), became successful in my career and learned how to cook more than one dish, I thought I was ready for a relationship. Life was good, but in my head I wasn’t living because I was single. This mentality usually carried over into my dating life. Every man that I dated, I was secretly sizing up as my husband. And although I don’t easily fall for people, when I did find someone that I liked, I gave too much thought and energy to “what if we were in a relationship?”
This ‘what if?’ thinking plagued most of my thoughts and eventually began to interfere with my actions. It may sound weak or silly; but at the time I had no idea and didn’t see that my obsession with being in a relationship was actually ‘jacking up’ my priorities.
Life doesn’t suddenly begin when you’re booed up, but most times, we’re so busy complaining about being single that we don’t enjoy what it’s really worth.
Chances are, if your priorities are all wrong while you’re not in a relationship, they’ll be even more out of wack when you are in one. The only difference is, when you’re in a relationship, it’s harder to get back on track with what matters most than when you’re single.
The obsession with relationships is a dangerous mindset, because usually you’re not happy when you’re not in one and you think life will suddenly become a rainbow after the ‘single storm’ is over. However, if you can’t be happy without him, you’re probably not going to be genuinely happy with him.
So while you’re obsessing about being someone’s wife, don’t forget to reflect on the things that matter most, like you. It’s important to get yourself together and enjoy your life sans a man.
From a young age, girls grow up thinking that a boyfriend will make them happy and life will be complete. When this thinking carries into adulthood, single women will focus too much on finding a boyfriend. Trying too hard leads to behaving and acting in ways that end up turning guys off. If you’ve been like these women, instead of coming across as desirable, you’ll seem desperate. Desperation is a definite turnoff to high quality men.
When you try too hard, here’s what happens
You’ll feel pressured to behave and act in certain ways when interacting with guys. This self-imposed pressure doesn’t let you to be your authentic self. When you aren’t being your true self, you won’t be able to connect with a man on a deep and meaningful level.
When things don’t go the way you want, you’ll be critical towards yourself. Beating yourself up gets in the way of loving yourself. When you don’t love yourself, you can’t expect a man to love you.
You’ll settle for less than you deserve. Let’s say a guy makes plans to take you out on Saturday night but you don’t hear from him. He calls you on Tuesday with an excuse that seems like a red flag. Once you’ve accepted this lame excuse, you’ve just lowered your standards.
You won’t be able to relax and enjoy the journey because you’re wondering how to get a boyfriend and are always on alert for this guy to show up in your life. This desperate and uptight energy you radiate will push a high quality man further away.
Read more at YourTango.com
Rules were meant to be broken, and this applies especially to matters of love and dating. When it comes to getting what you want out of relationships, sitting around and calculating methodic ways to do so—and considering what everyone else tells you to do—not only makes life move far too slowly, but often ends up confusing your partner/boyfriend/date. In the pursuit of being authentic, please disregard these long outdated rules.
As irritatingly new agey as it may sound, you completely control how you perceive the events in your life. If you exercise the control you have to digest a situation any way you want, then the truth is, nothing ever happens to you. You either let things happen, or you don’t. And a great example is that you either let yourself become bitter about love, or you don’t. No matter how many deliriously happy couples there are around you, or how often your mom reminds you your “clock is ticking,” when it comes to being bitter about love, there is nobody you can blame except yourself. Here are 14 behaviors to quit today if you’re ready to stop throwing your plate at the couple kissing on TV.
I’ve never been a big fan of this notion of soulmates, and after reading an article about a 2010 study on marriedcouples who thought they were soulmates, my suspicions have been sadly confirmed. According to this social research conducted by Marist College in Poughkeepsie, New York, “soulmate” couples are at a higher risk for divorce (150 percent versus other couples) and subsequently disenchantment.
Two-thirds of Americans believe in the romantic magic of soulmates. Yet, if these couples are destined to be together inrelationships that are “meant to be,” why did their marriages fail so devastatingly? As a dating coach for women over 40 with ten years of experience under my belt, I have my own theories on what causes these disastrous circumstances.’
Here are five essential reasons why I recommend you stop searching for your soulmate right now:
1. Intense passion is not sustainable. The social research study shows that couples who consider themselves to be soulmates came together in a whirlwind of excitement and passion. Their happiness stems from intense physical chemistry that is most often impossible to sustain because this type of attraction tends to fade with time.
Read the rest at YourTango
Every woman has one. A literal or figurative list of traits and qualities she would like in a man. Charming, handsome, funny but not goofy, between 6′ and 6’5″, an average salary of $80k, loves his mother, has a great relationship with his father, etcetera, etcetera. This “Yes” list–an aspirational but certainly attainable list of attractive qualities that would deem a man worthy of putting a ring on it–while penciled in, isn’t usually etched in stone. This is a list which is often compromised. You meet a history teacher and he makes $60k a year and he’s an awesome guy, so you date him. You find out the cute doctor you’ve been dating hasn’t spoken to his mother in fifteen years, but he’s respectful, funny, and absolutely adores you, so you date him. There are myriad reasons for exceptions to be made on The List, and usually, everything ends up being just fine.
And then, there’s the “No” list: No short men. No pilots. No Aries. “I do NOT date men who went to Syracuse.” No Kappas. No HBCU men. The No List is often extensive and specific, and however arbitrary it may seem, is completely fair and rational to the respective woman who wrote it. She knows what she can absolutely not deal with, usually based on past experiences with men who fit in those various “No” categories. Whether consciously or not, the No List is rarely compromised. Once the line is drawn and the offending Do Not Want is placed on the list, it is usually avoided altogether.
A couple of years ago, my No List was relatively short and contained about five descriptors which had proven time and again to be not at all what I wanted in a man. Which is why I scoffed when a man whom I had known of through various online social networks, started showing interest in me. He proudly had not one but two of the things on my short list of Nos, and I had already decided to tune out any flirtation before it even had a chance to develop into anything else. These two Nos were a big part of his life, one being a side occupation and one a fraternity he’d devoted himself to, and even though he didn’t know these were two automatic strikes, I’d kept him at a safe distance.
When I was in his city on business and he requested to go to dinner while I was in town, I went against my list and agreed while lounging in my hotel room after a long day. What was the harm in grabbing a bite to eat with a handsome guy? …Then I fell asleep in my hotel while he waited downstairs in the freezing cold. I felt so bad, thought for sure he’d never speak to me again when I woke at midnight and saw the messages from him two hours earlier. Despite him having undesired qualities, he seemed to be a nice guy and I hadn’t meant to fall asleep so rudely. Imagine my surprise when he not only told me “no worries” about falling asleep, but talked to me for the rest of the night and into the morning, until it was time for me to catch my 7 a.m. flight. It was a refreshing and surprisingly comfortable conversation, filled with jokes that kept me laughing in my pillow, and having many “you too? I thought that was just me!” moments. Maybe he deserved a chance after all.
A year and a half later, I am still amazed at how we came to be. Happening upon a happy and fulfilling relationship with someone who I was so strongly against dating (I had second, third, and fourth thoughts before we decided to make it official) made me realize that sometimes, taking a look at your “No” list is just what you need. Maybe he’s exactly your height and you love to wear heels. Should that stop you from the potential of Love? Doesn’t have a degree? Maybe he hit a few rough patches in life and is playing catch up. If I’ve learned anything in the past couple of years, it is that what you think is so important may ultimately prove insignificant in the fabric of your relationship, because they are all different. I had refused to date a “serious” blogger, even being a blogger myself. Now I find myself attending various events and panels with him, helping with post ideas, and have actually found it quite cool to date a fellow writer, even if we have vastly different end goals. Love, in all its complicated simplicities, cannot be placed into a neat box, categorized and check-marked. I’ve realized that was the best decision I’ve made thus far.
Okay, so you know what you want. You wanted a better job, so you applied for one. You wanted a mate, you started dressing up to go to the grocery store. You wanted a house, you started saving up money for one. First, let me applaud you for taking whatever big step you have decided to take, because that takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and be optimistic that you’ll reap a positive reward. Now, after some people take these big steps they sit back and think: “Ah yes, now all I have to do is play the waiting game” while they twiddle their thumbs, right? Some people just recline and wait after putting themselves out there, but others, the smart ones, are able to take their destinies in their own hands by putting in additional effort to help achieve their goals. Life is usually never as simple as waiting to be discovered and sometimes it pays to be active while you’re waiting.
Here are some examples of when you should do a little something more:
Being Active While Looking for a Job
I once got some extremely bad advice about interviewing from someone in a position of authority. The person told me that when I interview I should tell them how bad I need the job, explain whatever dire consequences I was experiencing, and the truth that in five years I planned to be as far away from that company as possible. By no surprise, I didn’t get the job.
While applying for others I came across an article about proper interviewing etiquette that told me that everything I just did was wrong. But on top of that, I saw articles that depicted different scenarios that could appear in job interviews. I read article after article about what interviewers are looking for when you answer their questions, what makes your resume appealing to potential employers and so on. After reading all of this, I revamped, and was soon hired.
Being Active After Applying for a Job
So you wanted a better job with better pay, you applied. Now, what else is there to do? If this is something that you’re passionate about and it’s not just a means to another paycheck, try to make sure that if/when you do get that job that you embody as many of the company’s mission statement’s qualities as possible. Look for your weak spots and try to improve them. You’re good at communication but not too well at computers? Take the time to learn the different programs and systems. Take a class on it, or study up online or at the library.
Then, if you do get that interview, it’s always customary to do a follow up by sending a thank you card.
Actively Waiting While You’re Waiting for The One
So, you have your idea about the person that you want to be with for the rest of your life. You might not know who he/she is, but you have your criteria checklist memorized and you’re judging all potentials to it. However, do you meet the criteria of someone else’s list?
I’m not big on people being hard on themselves, but if you judge someone from a pretty rigid standard, shouldn’t you hold yourself to the same standard? Don’t want a drunk, put down the bottle yourself. Don’t want to feel a fold in someone’s back fat, join a gym.
Instead of waiting for the perfect person, make sure that you’re the best you that you can be.
Actively Waiting while contemplating making a big purchase
Not too many people aspire to just live with their parents for the rest of their lives, or constantly take public transportation. For those who hope for better for themselves, try to make sure that you do things to help yourself out when you’re ready for that big purchase.
Remember that old credit card you got when you were in college, maxed out during Spring Break, and then decided not to pay it? Those types of incidences can negatively impact your credit score, and credit score can be the deciding factor between a Benz and a Pinto, a house and an apartment.
If you have to, go to a financial adviser and pinpoint what little things you can work on to help yourself out as much as you can in the future. Once you start chopping away at some of your frivolous debts you can start being aided in making more substantial purchases.
Actively Waiting when you have a talent
Do you sometimes watch television shows and movies and think: “Man, if I had that role I’d do it like this…” So you find local auditions and try out, and that’s all you do; go to auditions. Maybe include an acting class in your schedule? There are people who have raw talent and never had to go to an acting class, but it wouldn’t hurt to go while you wait. As with everything in life, we never know the answers and it could help to get a little direction from someone with more experience and a fresh, unbiased perspective.
This is the truth with any talent. I felt like I had a talent for writing, so I majored in English and took a lot of Rhetoric classes to help me along with way. Are you a great chef? Take a cooking course just to hammer out the basics.
Once you feel like you have good foot hold on your talent, get yourself out there. That amazing talent is being wasted if you’re the only person who knows it is you. Want to write? Write a book. (or an eBook, so easy!) Want to be a chef? Cater a few family functions. Once you begin to branch your talent outside of your mind, you’ll be able to reach the milestones you were waiting for. Opportunity does knock, but you have to give it the right address.
Kendra Koger is actively waiting for you to hit her up on twitter @kkoger. She’s also waiting for her takeout to arrive, which ever comes first…
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