All Articles Tagged "finding love"
I have been experiencing a love drought lately. Which I am sure, you must know, means daily mood swings that tend to drive those closest to me bonkers. My friends are fed up and wish they had the remedy for my ailment but alas! It’s up to me to dig myself out of this particular hole.
One sunny afternoon at work, I found myself scouring the internet for information that would help settle my chaotic nerves. I ended up on an enlightening article, courtesy of Forbes that displayed the top cities in the States afflicted with the virus of LOVE.
Apparently, I am perfectly situated because New York City came in 2nd, right behind D.C, that surprisingly, garnered the No. 1 spot for finding and falling in love. Houston, TX, Los Angeles, CA, Dallas, TX, San Francisco, CA, Charlotte, NC, Denver, CO, and Seattle, WA all followed suit.
In all honesty, if I had to guess which cities would make the cut, I would have most likely cited more than half of the ones that made the list. They are all culturally diverse stations, bursting with opportunities and would obviously provide the perfect backdrop to a summertime romance. So why am I still searching?
I live in NYC, and I have endured my share of dating rituals but yet I have still come up empty. I have friends who are located in LA and San Francisco, and they are also singing the same tune. We were all convinced that once we set up shop, finding Mr. Right would be the least of our worries. But perhaps we were a little too quick with our assumptions. I can only speak for myself when I say that I totally romanticized the idea of living in The Big Apple. It seemed like a no brainer that I would find a willing contender in a sea of moving options nestled on an island declared as the “melting pot” of America.
It took me almost a decade to understand the mechanics behind a thriving cosmopolitan. New York City is a galaxy comprised of debutantes, socialites and families overflowing with old money. These are the people that get first dibs on eligible bachelors. Gals like me get the leftovers, and that usually translates into desperately hungry married men, uncharismatic weaklings, and guys who are searching for Kate Upton lookalikes. So, basically you have to be prepared to work overtime just so snag a decent date, and then accept the fact that you may not be good enough to make it to the next round which usually includes an invitation to The Hamptons (New York’s version of a summer resort) – if you are lucky.
You are actually better off avoiding the big city action because after all that excitement, you are still waking up alone on Sunday mornings. I think that Forbes got it wrong! I truly believe that the more obscure venues provide a promising forecast. I imagine that if I moved to Oregon, or New Orleans or even Austin, TX, I would be amazed at how many times I am able to fall in love. After pounding the pavement without any realized results, I am wondering if it might be worth it to pack up and settle in a town where the guys are readily eager to make me feel like the special girl I know I am.
If you are willing to move for a job, why not make that same sacrifice for love?
I used to be in love with being in love. There, I said it. I was secretly a helpless romantic in spite of my hard exterior, so sometimes this clouded my vision and altered my decisions. Oddly, when I was not in a relationship or seriously dating, I had my priorities in order. I focused on me, my career, my spirituality, and family and friends; but the minute I thought I had found Mr. Right, my priorities would become all wrong. And not that it makes me feel any better, but I’ve realized that many women go through moments like this.
Relationships should be complimentary to an already whole person. And while this sounds cliché, it’s true. The thing is, some women equate wholeness to finances, jobs, health, etc. However, deep down, some of us have a lingering feeling that life will get better when our men come along. If this is this case, usually a relationship will only interfere with priorities until we truly feel whole without a boo.
When I finally got out of debt (well, almost), became successful in my career and learned how to cook more than one dish, I thought I was ready for a relationship. Life was good, but in my head I wasn’t living because I was single. This mentality usually carried over into my dating life. Every man that I dated, I was secretly sizing up as my husband. And although I don’t easily fall for people, when I did find someone that I liked, I gave too much thought and energy to “what if we were in a relationship?”
This ‘what if?’ thinking plagued most of my thoughts and eventually began to interfere with my actions. It may sound weak or silly; but at the time I had no idea and didn’t see that my obsession with being in a relationship was actually ‘jacking up’ my priorities.
Life doesn’t suddenly begin when you’re booed up, but most times, we’re so busy complaining about being single that we don’t enjoy what it’s really worth.
Chances are, if your priorities are all wrong while you’re not in a relationship, they’ll be even more out of wack when you are in one. The only difference is, when you’re in a relationship, it’s harder to get back on track with what matters most than when you’re single.
The obsession with relationships is a dangerous mindset, because usually you’re not happy when you’re not in one and you think life will suddenly become a rainbow after the ‘single storm’ is over. However, if you can’t be happy without him, you’re probably not going to be genuinely happy with him.
So while you’re obsessing about being someone’s wife, don’t forget to reflect on the things that matter most, like you. It’s important to get yourself together and enjoy your life sans a man.
From a young age, girls grow up thinking that a boyfriend will make them happy and life will be complete. When this thinking carries into adulthood, single women will focus too much on finding a boyfriend. Trying too hard leads to behaving and acting in ways that end up turning guys off. If you’ve been like these women, instead of coming across as desirable, you’ll seem desperate. Desperation is a definite turnoff to high quality men.
When you try too hard, here’s what happens
You’ll feel pressured to behave and act in certain ways when interacting with guys. This self-imposed pressure doesn’t let you to be your authentic self. When you aren’t being your true self, you won’t be able to connect with a man on a deep and meaningful level.
When things don’t go the way you want, you’ll be critical towards yourself. Beating yourself up gets in the way of loving yourself. When you don’t love yourself, you can’t expect a man to love you.
You’ll settle for less than you deserve. Let’s say a guy makes plans to take you out on Saturday night but you don’t hear from him. He calls you on Tuesday with an excuse that seems like a red flag. Once you’ve accepted this lame excuse, you’ve just lowered your standards.
You won’t be able to relax and enjoy the journey because you’re wondering how to get a boyfriend and are always on alert for this guy to show up in your life. This desperate and uptight energy you radiate will push a high quality man further away.
Read more at YourTango.com
Rules were meant to be broken, and this applies especially to matters of love and dating. When it comes to getting what you want out of relationships, sitting around and calculating methodic ways to do so—and considering what everyone else tells you to do—not only makes life move far too slowly, but often ends up confusing your partner/boyfriend/date. In the pursuit of being authentic, please disregard these long outdated rules.
As irritatingly new agey as it may sound, you completely control how you perceive the events in your life. If you exercise the control you have to digest a situation any way you want, then the truth is, nothing ever happens to you. You either let things happen, or you don’t. And a great example is that you either let yourself become bitter about love, or you don’t. No matter how many deliriously happy couples there are around you, or how often your mom reminds you your “clock is ticking,” when it comes to being bitter about love, there is nobody you can blame except yourself. Here are 14 behaviors to quit today if you’re ready to stop throwing your plate at the couple kissing on TV.
I’ve never been a big fan of this notion of soulmates, and after reading an article about a 2010 study on marriedcouples who thought they were soulmates, my suspicions have been sadly confirmed. According to this social research conducted by Marist College in Poughkeepsie, New York, “soulmate” couples are at a higher risk for divorce (150 percent versus other couples) and subsequently disenchantment.
Two-thirds of Americans believe in the romantic magic of soulmates. Yet, if these couples are destined to be together inrelationships that are “meant to be,” why did their marriages fail so devastatingly? As a dating coach for women over 40 with ten years of experience under my belt, I have my own theories on what causes these disastrous circumstances.’
Here are five essential reasons why I recommend you stop searching for your soulmate right now:
1. Intense passion is not sustainable. The social research study shows that couples who consider themselves to be soulmates came together in a whirlwind of excitement and passion. Their happiness stems from intense physical chemistry that is most often impossible to sustain because this type of attraction tends to fade with time.
Read the rest at YourTango
Every woman has one. A literal or figurative list of traits and qualities she would like in a man. Charming, handsome, funny but not goofy, between 6′ and 6’5″, an average salary of $80k, loves his mother, has a great relationship with his father, etcetera, etcetera. This “Yes” list–an aspirational but certainly attainable list of attractive qualities that would deem a man worthy of putting a ring on it–while penciled in, isn’t usually etched in stone. This is a list which is often compromised. You meet a history teacher and he makes $60k a year and he’s an awesome guy, so you date him. You find out the cute doctor you’ve been dating hasn’t spoken to his mother in fifteen years, but he’s respectful, funny, and absolutely adores you, so you date him. There are myriad reasons for exceptions to be made on The List, and usually, everything ends up being just fine.
And then, there’s the “No” list: No short men. No pilots. No Aries. “I do NOT date men who went to Syracuse.” No Kappas. No HBCU men. The No List is often extensive and specific, and however arbitrary it may seem, is completely fair and rational to the respective woman who wrote it. She knows what she can absolutely not deal with, usually based on past experiences with men who fit in those various “No” categories. Whether consciously or not, the No List is rarely compromised. Once the line is drawn and the offending Do Not Want is placed on the list, it is usually avoided altogether.
A couple of years ago, my No List was relatively short and contained about five descriptors which had proven time and again to be not at all what I wanted in a man. Which is why I scoffed when a man whom I had known of through various online social networks, started showing interest in me. He proudly had not one but two of the things on my short list of Nos, and I had already decided to tune out any flirtation before it even had a chance to develop into anything else. These two Nos were a big part of his life, one being a side occupation and one a fraternity he’d devoted himself to, and even though he didn’t know these were two automatic strikes, I’d kept him at a safe distance.
When I was in his city on business and he requested to go to dinner while I was in town, I went against my list and agreed while lounging in my hotel room after a long day. What was the harm in grabbing a bite to eat with a handsome guy? …Then I fell asleep in my hotel while he waited downstairs in the freezing cold. I felt so bad, thought for sure he’d never speak to me again when I woke at midnight and saw the messages from him two hours earlier. Despite him having undesired qualities, he seemed to be a nice guy and I hadn’t meant to fall asleep so rudely. Imagine my surprise when he not only told me “no worries” about falling asleep, but talked to me for the rest of the night and into the morning, until it was time for me to catch my 7 a.m. flight. It was a refreshing and surprisingly comfortable conversation, filled with jokes that kept me laughing in my pillow, and having many “you too? I thought that was just me!” moments. Maybe he deserved a chance after all.
A year and a half later, I am still amazed at how we came to be. Happening upon a happy and fulfilling relationship with someone who I was so strongly against dating (I had second, third, and fourth thoughts before we decided to make it official) made me realize that sometimes, taking a look at your “No” list is just what you need. Maybe he’s exactly your height and you love to wear heels. Should that stop you from the potential of Love? Doesn’t have a degree? Maybe he hit a few rough patches in life and is playing catch up. If I’ve learned anything in the past couple of years, it is that what you think is so important may ultimately prove insignificant in the fabric of your relationship, because they are all different. I had refused to date a “serious” blogger, even being a blogger myself. Now I find myself attending various events and panels with him, helping with post ideas, and have actually found it quite cool to date a fellow writer, even if we have vastly different end goals. Love, in all its complicated simplicities, cannot be placed into a neat box, categorized and check-marked. I’ve realized that was the best decision I’ve made thus far.
Okay, so you know what you want. You wanted a better job, so you applied for one. You wanted a mate, you started dressing up to go to the grocery store. You wanted a house, you started saving up money for one. First, let me applaud you for taking whatever big step you have decided to take, because that takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and be optimistic that you’ll reap a positive reward. Now, after some people take these big steps they sit back and think: “Ah yes, now all I have to do is play the waiting game” while they twiddle their thumbs, right? Some people just recline and wait after putting themselves out there, but others, the smart ones, are able to take their destinies in their own hands by putting in additional effort to help achieve their goals. Life is usually never as simple as waiting to be discovered and sometimes it pays to be active while you’re waiting.
Here are some examples of when you should do a little something more:
Being Active While Looking for a Job
I once got some extremely bad advice about interviewing from someone in a position of authority. The person told me that when I interview I should tell them how bad I need the job, explain whatever dire consequences I was experiencing, and the truth that in five years I planned to be as far away from that company as possible. By no surprise, I didn’t get the job.
While applying for others I came across an article about proper interviewing etiquette that told me that everything I just did was wrong. But on top of that, I saw articles that depicted different scenarios that could appear in job interviews. I read article after article about what interviewers are looking for when you answer their questions, what makes your resume appealing to potential employers and so on. After reading all of this, I revamped, and was soon hired.
Being Active After Applying for a Job
So you wanted a better job with better pay, you applied. Now, what else is there to do? If this is something that you’re passionate about and it’s not just a means to another paycheck, try to make sure that if/when you do get that job that you embody as many of the company’s mission statement’s qualities as possible. Look for your weak spots and try to improve them. You’re good at communication but not too well at computers? Take the time to learn the different programs and systems. Take a class on it, or study up online or at the library.
Then, if you do get that interview, it’s always customary to do a follow up by sending a thank you card.
Actively Waiting While You’re Waiting for The One
So, you have your idea about the person that you want to be with for the rest of your life. You might not know who he/she is, but you have your criteria checklist memorized and you’re judging all potentials to it. However, do you meet the criteria of someone else’s list?
I’m not big on people being hard on themselves, but if you judge someone from a pretty rigid standard, shouldn’t you hold yourself to the same standard? Don’t want a drunk, put down the bottle yourself. Don’t want to feel a fold in someone’s back fat, join a gym.
Instead of waiting for the perfect person, make sure that you’re the best you that you can be.
Actively Waiting while contemplating making a big purchase
Not too many people aspire to just live with their parents for the rest of their lives, or constantly take public transportation. For those who hope for better for themselves, try to make sure that you do things to help yourself out when you’re ready for that big purchase.
Remember that old credit card you got when you were in college, maxed out during Spring Break, and then decided not to pay it? Those types of incidences can negatively impact your credit score, and credit score can be the deciding factor between a Benz and a Pinto, a house and an apartment.
If you have to, go to a financial adviser and pinpoint what little things you can work on to help yourself out as much as you can in the future. Once you start chopping away at some of your frivolous debts you can start being aided in making more substantial purchases.
Actively Waiting when you have a talent
Do you sometimes watch television shows and movies and think: “Man, if I had that role I’d do it like this…” So you find local auditions and try out, and that’s all you do; go to auditions. Maybe include an acting class in your schedule? There are people who have raw talent and never had to go to an acting class, but it wouldn’t hurt to go while you wait. As with everything in life, we never know the answers and it could help to get a little direction from someone with more experience and a fresh, unbiased perspective.
This is the truth with any talent. I felt like I had a talent for writing, so I majored in English and took a lot of Rhetoric classes to help me along with way. Are you a great chef? Take a cooking course just to hammer out the basics.
Once you feel like you have good foot hold on your talent, get yourself out there. That amazing talent is being wasted if you’re the only person who knows it is you. Want to write? Write a book. (or an eBook, so easy!) Want to be a chef? Cater a few family functions. Once you begin to branch your talent outside of your mind, you’ll be able to reach the milestones you were waiting for. Opportunity does knock, but you have to give it the right address.
Kendra Koger is actively waiting for you to hit her up on twitter @kkoger. She’s also waiting for her takeout to arrive, which ever comes first…
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by Jane Atkinson
Recently, it was reported that Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger’s advice was to “dumb it down” if you wanted to snag your man.
Is this what fabulous, intelligent women are reduced to these days…. games?
Ya, I’m gonna pass on the millionaire, Patti, especially if he’s looking for a vacuous bimbette to serve as arm candy.
And gentlemen, I would be surprised if you weren’t questioning this as well. If you’re going to spend the next 20, 30 or 40 years with someone, wouldn’t you like to have an intelligent conversation once in awhile?
FULL DISCLOSURE: On my path to finding my perfect partner, on many occasions I thought, “What am I doing wrong?” In sheer frustration, I’m pretty sure I might have tried something as ridiculous as dumbing it down.
Fortunately, it dawned on me right around my 40th birthday.
I wasn’t truly open to love; I was way too comfy and safe in my stylish little condo built for one. I had a successful consulting business, travel, great friends and family. The walls had gone up and even though I paid lip service to wanting true love, I really kept it at bay.
We’ve all heard that amazing Marianne Williamson quote, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”
And fearful I was. I was playing small and safe in my little cocoon.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Intelligent ladies, I challenge you.
I challenge you to check in and ask yourself if you are playing small. What is it that you truly want?
When I saw the title of Andrea Michelle’s Uptown Magazine article Why White Women Are Winning, my eyes hit the ceiling. What a silly notion. What, exactly, is the sense in making white women some sort of normative group that black women should compare themselves to? While we do need to examine certain disparities across racial lines from time to time, I don’t think that marriage statistics is one of those issues; furthermore, as there is no proven universal standard white relationship behavior or black relationship behavior, we can’t make a reasoned comparison. Throw in the unique challenges that black women (and men) face in mating that are influenced by centuries of race-based oppression that white daters aren’t contending with and I’m already over this article before I read it.
And then I read it. And I was even more over it. To be fair, I was relieved to see that Michelle’s piece was not a nasty condemnation of black women for failing to be as adept at dating as white women; instead, she simply discussed the many advantages that white women have when it comes to meeting and marrying men and acknowledges that sisters may have to fight a bit harder for the elusive title of ‘wife’. I just think it was an incendiary title for a somewhat flimsy premise. Instead of worrying about what other women have, black women should focus on having the best lives they can achieve, romantically and otherwise.
While the ire I had preemptively formed for her piece turned to be unwarranted, LaShaun Williams’ response to the article was certainly worthy of all the eye-rolling and “What the hell are you talking about?” that one could summon up. I look forward to the day in which raking black women over the coals won’t be such a popular sport and I especially hope that black women themselves will get out of this despicable game.