Source:www.ericroberson.com

Do we allow our feelings for someone to create a relationship that doesn’t exist, or do we allow our feelings to create a reality within a relationship that doesn’t exist? A relationship is defined as an emotional connection, association, or involvement between two people that have mutually decided to commit to each other based on feelings they have for each other. Feelings are an effective state of psychological consciousness in which joy, fear, hate, sorrow, love, etc. are experienced and expressed. They are also spontaneous efforts that are accompanied by physiological changes that drive a number of actions and reactions.

Most relationships begin with a feeling. They initially start with physical attraction accompanied with the desire to learn more about a person which leads to the desire to spend more time with them. After the initial physical attraction, people then move forward to the courting stage, getting to know someone on a more personal level, then being drawn to them mentally, emotionally and spiritually. After taking these steps, a couple may then mutually decide to have and develop a monogamous relationship based on more than the initial feelings they felt for each other. In today’s relationships, many couples skip the step of mutually deciding to have a relationship. They skip, or overlook this step because they are primarily focused on the way the other person makes them feel, and allow their feelings to cloud their common sense and better judgment. Instead of establishing and agreeing upon having a monogamous relationship, they settle for engaging in relationship-like activities without the commitment of a relationship.

Our feelings can often create relationships we think we want because the focus is on self-gratification, rather than building a relationship with a purpose and meeting the other person’s needs. When two people are involved with each other, and things are going well, at some point one person will have the desire to take the courting stage to the next level, but the other person may not. So rather than stepping away from the situation, they settle for less and continue to pretend to be involved in a committed relationship. This happens more often than not because of fear of being alone, the strong desire to be with a certain person, or a lack of self-confidence within.

When reality sets in to the fact that they are not in a relationship, the same feelings that led the desires for a relationship are now crushed.  Learning to mask your feelings for someone is a difficult thing to do, especially after spending quality time with them and getting to know them on a personal and/or intimate level. However, what people must do is set and maintain standards and boundaries for their relationships together from the start to avoid confusion. Even if you are starting as friends, both parties must be clear on the expectations of each other and the relationship.

One of the most common mistakes often made is the conscious or subconscious decision to be sexually intimate with someone you are not in a relationship with. This is a mistake because when you are sexually intimate with someone you give them a part of you and you take a part of them which can bring you closer which makes the relationship more personal and deeper feelings begin to develop. That’s why it is important to set boundaries for the relationship that you both agree on to avoid getting trapped in the reality of a relationship that does not exist. Doing this will spare feelings, avoid confusion and potential drama. When making the decision to become involved with someone, you must be mindful of your intentions and honestly discuss the expectations of both parties. It takes two people to initiate, develop and maintain any type of relationship, and both people must be willing to commit and carry the load.

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

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Essence

Do you make an effort to make your man feel necessary? Does he feel needed in your relationship?

Some women balk at the idea of “needing” a man to do anything or the idea that they should “help a man feel like a man.” However, there are other women who feel loved and appreciated and want to reciprocate that feeling. These women know a good, spontaneous, well-timed ego stroke goes a long way to mutual happiness in a relationship. Of course, that doesn’t mean a self-sufficient woman should morph into a helpless toddler. That would be disingenuous, but there are times when a woman should consider taking a break from running the relationship and allow her man to handle business.

Ask Men

Let him change your tire/Jump A Dead Battery/Check and refill the oil

When I was 16, my dad taught me how to change a tire. “I will never have to do this,” I told him. “I will always have my phone and therefore, always be able to call someone.” He customarily responded, “You can’t rely on people.” So there, in the middle of a parking lot on a bitterly cold, snowy winter evening, at the direction of my dad, I changed a tire. My dad also taught me how to use jumper cables to jump a dead car battery and how to check/fill my oil if the light came on.

Many women are capable of taking care of their own car troubles, but it doesn’t hurt to let your man feel like the hero while you chill in the car. Especially when it’s cold outside!

I’m sure you’ve heard all the sayings about haters in your years: “Make your haters your motivators,” “Haters gonna hate,” “Let the haters hate,” and who could forget the catchy song, “Hi hater”? Nicki Minaj even sent love to her haters in her hit song, “Moment 4 Life” when she said, Shoutout to my haters, sorry that you couldn’t phase me. But as we know as of late, a few of her haters got under the rapper and her bosses’ skin so much that she backed out of performing at Hot 97′s Summer Jam concert this past weekend.

DJ Peter Rosenberg got on stage during Summer Jam before the femmeC’s scheduled performance and declared that her song “Starships” (not Nicki Minaj as a whole) was “wack” and panned it as not being “real hip-hop.” Rosenberg has talked many times on his show, “The Cipha Sounds and Rosenberg Show,” about being one of those old-fogy, take-’em-back-to-the-old-days-of-hip-hop heads and has made his feelings vocal about “Starships” for a while. Once those comments were known to Lil Wayne and his team, he told Nicki that she shouldn’t take the stage. She and the YMCMB camp didn’t stand down from their choice, and through a barrage of Tweets from Roman Zolanski and her camp, she let folks know that while she will ride with her fans until the end, R-E-S-P-E-C-T was most important in this situation. She also reiterated that point in her interview with Funkmaster Flex yesterday.

After doing some thinking, I will say that I don’t disagree with Nicki’s anger and some of the comments she’s made. There is honestly something jacked up about a radio station making money off of you and then turning around and having one of its biggest representatives say you made a wack song, publicly, before you’re slated to hit the stage for them. Doing so before her performance could have fostered negative energy amongst the crowd, and that’s not cool. In everyday terms, that’s like someone asking you to help them cook for Thanksgiving, you get ready to slave over the stove, and then a family member tells Auntie Jackie and ‘nem that a dish you made before was the wackest thing they ever tasted. I’m sure you would feel some sort of way about bringing the plate of dressing after the fact. A random example, but I’m sure you understand. However, DJ Peter Rosenberg isn’t an influential fan who could make or break her, he was a random guy with an opinion. That’s it. Why get so bent out of shape that you let this man cheat your fans out of their chance to see you?

This is not only about hip-hop, but this situation reminds me of the confusion people have between individuals being haters and having an opinion. An opinion with some truth to it that they’re not ready to face. Sure, DJ Rosenberg expressed his opinions at an unnecessary time, but these weren’t new opinions he was expressing, nor was it an opinion that I’m sure she hadn’t heard before. He didn’t say that as a whole, Nicki Minaj wasn’t real hip-hop or that she was a wack musician all around, but that her song “Starships” isn’t real hip hop. And, uh, HELLO, I’m sure even she knows that it’s not. But why care so much when you were the same person saying on the radio that you weren’t worried about pleasing old hip-hop fans anymore anyway?

Source: ericrobersonmusic.com

How important is sex to a man? Would he be willing to forgo sex in a relationship? A few years ago I decided to take a hiatus from dating to regain focus of my life as a single woman. I didn’t want to engage in any type of relationship with the opposite sex because I needed time to learn how to balance everything that was going on in my life.  With this hiatus, I realized that I subconsciously and consciously made the decision to practice celibacy. I say I made this decision subconsciously and consciously because during this time, subconsciously, I did want to have sex, but I didn’t want to deal with the emotional and possible physical consequences that come along with it, and I didn’t want to have another meaningless sexual experience. Consciously, I had plenty of options and chances to indulge in sexual intercourse, but I didn’t, and that’s when I realized I was going to try and be celibate. After this realization, I decided to do some soul searching to really understand why I was celibate, and to decide whether or not I would stand firm on this decision.

During my soul searching, I reflected back on each of my relationships, and I discovered that I was sexually intimate with the men I was involved with before I had a chance to be intimate with them. I didn’t take the necessary time to learn who they were and develop a close and personal connection with them for the people they were before I developed a connection with them sexually simply because I was physically attracted to them. I also realized that I went into each relationship with my feelings and not my faith, which in turn led me to be misguided. After this discovery, I made the decision to forgo any sexually intimate interaction, and remain celibate until I am married. The beginning of this journey wasn’t difficult because I was on a hiatus from dating. It almost seemed easy and unreal, but when I decided to go back into dating, things got real. I met a wonderful man that I seemed to have everything in common with. We liked the same foods, we communicated well with each other, we share the same favorite color, and on and on. Most importantly, we both wanted to start our new relationship as friends.

I recall one evening when I was on the phone with my new male ‘friend’. We were engaged in a great conversation when the subject of celibacy came up. I shared with him that I have the honor of teaching a class on celibacy very soon, and I told him that I was nervous about it. He then told me that I would do fine, and as he started another sentence he abruptly stopped and asked if I was celibate. I replied with a nervous, yet firm yes. He immediately replied “Oh, oh no, I can’t do that…yeah, we are definitely going to be just good friends.” I said okay, no problem, and started to move forward with the conversation. While moving on to a different topic, I noticed the tone in our conversation went from upbeat and funny to slow and drab. Where there were no awkward moments of silence in our conversations before, there were now more than enough to make up for it in this one. I could tell my friend was uneasy about what I told him, but what did it matter? We were just friends anyway, right? So my decision to be celibate would not affect him in any way, right? Wrong.

I believe my friend thought we were going to develop a great friendship that would lead into an even greater monogamous relationship; and with a relationship comes sexual intimacy. Or maybe he thought we were going to be friends with sexual benefits, and with news of me practicing celibacy his thoughts were shattered. As much as I tried to move forward with the conversation it was difficult, because I knew my friends thoughts of me and our relationship had changed. After our phone call ended, my decision to be celibate and the effects of that decision stayed on my mind. Yes, things got really real.

After hearing and comprehending his reaction, I was slightly disturbed, and a little disappointed because subconsciously I thought we were going to develop a great friendship that would lead into an even greater monogamous relationship without having sex. But clearly I was wrong. And even though I was flabbergasted with his reaction, not once did I doubt the decision I made because I’ve learned to stand firm on the standards I’ve set in regard to my body and relationships even if it hurts.

I’ve also learned that I can’t expect someone to change their expectations to meet my standards, and not to change my standards (my non-negotiable standards) to meet someone’s expectations; they are who they are, and I am who I am. Although it is still slightly difficult for me to grasp the fact that my friend and I will only be friends, I respect his honesty, I look forward to our growing friendship, and I am looking forward to learning and growing on this journey through celibacy and dating.

Liz Lampkin is the author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

Have you tried to be celibate? How did that affect your dating life?

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Almost every couple argues, especially if you’ve been in a long-term relationship. And while a tiff here and there is normal, what happens after you’ve had a huge blow up – the first (or the 50^th) biggest argument of your relationship? While feelings of hurt, anger, resentment and anxiety are to be expected, how do you move past it to a point where you’re no longer nursing the upset that follows? If you want to make things right and move past the pain, try these things to bring your relationship back to happy.

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Has anyone ever told you that you are sensitive? Didn’t it hurt your feelings!? Yeah, that’s probably because you actually are sensitive boo…There’s no shame in that though. I’m a bit sensitive myself from time to time, but as long as you recognize that you are and put yourself in check when you need to, you should be all good. But that’s where the issue comes in. Most people who take things too personally won’t acknowledge the fact that they are indeed sensitive. So to help those folks out, aka you, here are a few signs you should be on the lookout for so you can come to terms with your sensitivity.