All Articles Tagged "fear"
…While fear might motivate us to action, we will burn out if we stay there. Here are some tips to move from fear to faith:
1. Find a Point of Contact: …We are stronger than the moments of life that we face!
2. Get Understanding: Knowledge is power! But it must be filtered through the lens of possibility. True understanding comes when we handle information properly. Miracles happen every day. There are people who have defied medical odds to live longer than anyone expected. Then there are still others who used their diagnosis to live fuller in the time that remained and in doing so transformed others. Knowledge only paints half the picture but possibility completes it.
3. Talk it Out: When we fear something, our instinct is to protect ourselves from it. Sometimes we simply need to talk ourselves through fear to discover what lies on the other side. For instance, we may be afraid of knowing how someone we are interested in feels about us. Not knowing protects us from rejection. But in truth, finding out actually frees us to move on and forward—with or without that person. Next time, fear knocks…answer the door and have the conversation.
You can read more on how Coach Felicia got over her own fear over on ESSENCE.com. How have you been able to combat fear? Whether it be a next step in life, an unspoken conversation that needs to happen or anything else, do you just rip the band-aid off?
Just last week, Charing wrote about the myth of the Knockout Game. She explained that the videos we’ve been seeing played over and over again are old, overhyped and in some cases, don’t even take place in this country. The argument wasn’t that people are knocking people out in the street but rather, it is not some type of new, widespread game that threatens your day to day safety.
But the real story is far less exciting. Only two attacks really isn’t cause for national news unless those two attacks are young black teenagers attacking helpless white people.So apparently, CNN has decided to continue to promote the one about it being new, widespread fad, you know the one that will incite more fear. We’ve seen from the videos and read in reports that the perpetrators of these two crimes are young, black teenagers. And if there’s any opportunity to scold young black folk, Don Lemon must be involved in that discussion. He must.
So even though Lemon wasn’t supposed to be on during this hour, they called him up (because they previewing his show later) to simulate what happens during the knockout game. And I bet you can guess from the gif above which role Lemon played.
The segment featured Rabbi Gary Moskowitz, a former police officer and black belt, who spoke about the game and how the perpetrators are attacking weaker individuals.
“The issue is they’re not just attacking Jews theologically. What they’re doing is they’re attacking weaker people. It’s very much like the animal kingdom. They attack elderly women, they attack children and Jewish people, unfortunately, especially the Orthodox community are considered weak.”
Just like the animal kingdom eh?!
Don Lemon sat silently. He didn’t get involved until it was time to mock an attack. And that’s when Don throw the faux punch you see in the gif above. How symbolic.
I can understand Don wanting to advance in his career. But I’m really having a hard time believing that homeboy really doesn’t take issue of any of this. It’s all so obvious.
What do you think about the reports surrounding the Knockout Game? And what the hell is motivating Don Lemon these days?
If this is what you are facing right now, then finding a soulmate should be your priority. But there are things at play that you are probably not aware of; these things are distracting you and preventing you from achieving your goal for 2013.
This is the real question you should be asking yourself. Yes, you are putting the hurdles for yourself—no one else is responsible for that. Find out the real reason why love is not showing up in your life. There are three major things that could be blocking the Law of Attraction for Love from working in your favor:
Hurdle #1: Lack of Time or Apparent Lack of Interest
You are not allocating time for love to come because of your lack of time and lack of attention. You’ve been so busy that finding a girlfriend or boyfriend got put in the back burner of your life’s hectic schedule. In fact, you might have even missed opportunities that came knocking, in the form of people asking you out. If you go on like this, the Universe will simply think you aren’t available for love. Then, the worst will happen: even the people who do show an interest in you will stop showing up. You have to take the time to explore your options because finding a soulmate is an “anytime, anyplace” kind of phenomenon.
Hurdle #2: Fear is the Lock, Faith is the Key
You are living in fear because you are afraid that someone similar to your ex will show up—an abuser, cheater, liar and so on. Well, guess what: if you are thinking of that all the time, you will attract the same kind of person once again because you have been focusing too much on such characteristics.
Another problem is that you could be having such a good time dating that you don’t want to move to the next stage. You may have not identified exactly what you wanted in a relationship so you keep on dating whoever is available. It is the fear of the unknown that makes to run again and again to the familiar.
Either way, the Universe will believe that you are having a grand time dating so that is what you will end up doing for the rest of your life—just dating.
The only way to overcome these two fears is through faith—faith that the Law of Attraction for Love is even now bringing your soulmate ever closer to you.
Read more at YourTango.com
We’re used to media mogul and everyone’s auntie in their head Oprah Winfrey normally talks about internal fear. You know, things in your psyche that makes you fearful of being your best self. But who knew that Oprah’s biggest fear – or at least one of them – is balloons?!
Yes, balloons. According to PEOPLE, Oprah recently revealed the fear in the October issue of O Magazine. She explained that it came to a head almost 20 years ago at her birthday party:
“I don’t like balloons, and for my 40th birthday my entire staff decided to surprise me. I come downstairs and the entire audience is filled with balloons. Literally, I’m stepping over balloons, having to walk through balloons and I’m so, like, ‘Oh! When is one going to pop?’”
As she went on, Oprah said the popping of balloons reminds her of gunfire and perhaps, something in her childhood must have happened related to guns. She says balloons “really freak me out.”
But of course, not one to let something just have one meaning, Oprah’s biggest fear is one she has turned into something like a life lesson. During the birthday party, she had to continue walking through the balloons and she uses that as a sort of mantra about fear:
“There are a few things that in life, if you allow them to, can really keep you from moving forward. You have to really walk through it.”
The October issue of O Magazine hits newsstands on September 17th.
What’s your biggest fear?
Notice that the title said, “AM CURING” meaning this is a CURRENT process not yet completed.
I have been a procrastinator for as long as I can remember. I put off school projects and papers, calling the guys I liked, getting a passport, getting my license (I was 24!), etc. I had no real solution for it and toward the end of my college career I chalked it up to “That’s just how I operate. I work well under pressure.”
While that really does seem to be true – I come up SO clutch when I’m against a pressing deadline – I have had a lot of time lately to explore WHY I procrastinate so much. I never questioned it before. I just went with it, occasionally kicking myself when I had to pull overnighters or throw things together last-minute.
Iyanla Vanzant recently tweeted something that stopped me in my tracks because I felt as though she was speaking directly to me about me:
In that exact moment I was putting off at least three different things in my life. I had notebooks and to do lists and papers and notes everywhere. I had ample time and ability but I wasn’t getting anything accomplished. Or I wasn’t doing as complete and awesome a job as I knew I could.
So, Iyanla’s tweet hit me in my chest and made me pause a moment. Indeed, I had a severe lack of focus. That was clearly evident from the debris of papers and lists scattered around me. What had not been so clear to me until that moment was that the lack of focus came from deep, years-old fears that I had yet to really ever face.
I copped out in college but proclaiming that I worked well under pressure but how did I feel every moment under that pressure? Scared. Nervous. Unsure. I was never quite sure if what I turned out would be good enough. I was never quite sure what I would be met with – criticism or praise. Criticism would become another shovel full of dirt over the coffin of my confidence. Praise would become another reason to question myself – Did I really deserve it? Could I now live up to the standard expected of me? I was fearful of failing and fearful of success at the same time. Talk about conflicted.
It was pretty amazing to me how one tweet could send me into a full self-revelation. Now that I knew what drove my procrastination, what could I do to change? How could I start?
I started looking up various articles about procrastination and maximizing time throughout the course of the day. And they all had a common theme:
1. START RIGHT NOW. No matter what the task, there is something you can do in this moment to get you closer to your goal than you were five minutes before. Whether you need create a to do list, call a vendor, write an outline, practice some scales, pitch the article… whatever it is, just start. Make it a point to do at least one thing to work your way toward an end product and set a time frame for that accomplishment. Not only are you beating procrastination but you’re slowly but surely teaching yourself perseverance.
2. FACE THE FEAR. Whatever the fear is that is keeping you from seizing any and every opportunity to move forward – confront it. Whether you have to rant to a friend, vent in a journal, or have a conversation with someone who has hurt you – face it. There is very little else that will solve procrastination and lack of focus than standing up to the fear that started it all. In facing the fear, also understand that you are capable. Fear of failure and fear of success often stem from not believing you are capable.
3. ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR SUCCESS. One of the things we are often taught, as women, is to be very humble. Almost to a fault. We’re taught to play down our strengths and our accomplishments or else we’re called other things which I won’t mention here. It is so important to be aware of what makes you unique, what makes you great and how far you have come. When dealing with procrastination, be proud of each step you make toward your goal. Reward yourself, even! Sometimes just looking at success as a bunch of small accomplished steps is the push you need to keep moving forward.
I am not 100% cured of procrastination – I still take breaks to watch “R&B Divas” when I know I should be completing this or that – but I am moving forward, releasing myself of fears, priding myself in my success and looking forward to the next step.
La Truly’s writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change among young women through her writing. Follow her on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly and AboutMe www.about.me/latruly.
A Lesson Before Dying: What My Aunt’s Death Taught Me About Freedom From Fear And Living Life To The Fullest
Her oxygen was turned up to the maximum and she was non-responsive. She wasn’t even squeezing my hand now. But I held her hand and prayed that God would work a miracle, or if that wasn’t in His will, that He would at least give me peace about the situation.
I want to say that my aunt lived a full life but I can’t. I want to say that she did most everything she dreamed of doing before she passed but she did not. I want to say that she was free of the chains of others people’s opinions but she was not. While I watched her live a beautiful life dedicated in service to God as a pastor, mother and all-around nurturer, I also watched her live a life tortured by fear.
“What would they say? What would they think? How will they react? Is it the right time? We have to wait….”
She lived a long life as God’s servant, but the fullness of that life never came to complete fruition. I took a long hard look at her life and saw how it mirrored my own. At 26 years old, I have been afforded many opportunities, many of which I took, but many of which I let slide between my fingers. Why?
I refused myself the deserved happiness and pride of receiving my Master’s degree for fear of being called “uppity” by my own family. (NOTE: They called me “uppity” anyway.) I deferred to share my hopes and dreams divinely placed in my heart for fear of them being shot down as so often they were. I turned down more than a few opportunities to travel abroad for fear of being called flighty. I’ve held myself back in a major way simply because of fear. Fear of failure, fear of other people’s disapproval, fear of the unknown.
But as I watched my aunt, my second mother, lay passing away in that hospital room I realized that life is not to be feared but to be lived. And not just lived in mediocrity, but wholly, abundantly, fully, lovingly, freely. What a disservice we do to ourselves and the God who created us by living just to get by when He has so much more in store for us!
I made the choice that day to usher in my 27th year of life, 2013, with a new mindset, a new outlook, a new resolve to BE and DO everything for which I am purposed. I’m going to learn how to swim (I know right?). I’m going to fall in love. I’m going to travel to many a beautiful destination, camera in hand. I’m going to do the service work I’ve dreamt of for years. I’m going to push myself out of my comfort zone, past the ridiculing stares and whispers of others, and I’m going to honor God with my life.
During her life, my aunt gave me roots: a deep respect for God, a desire to stay humble, a desire to serve wherever, however I can. And in her passing, I believe she gave me wings. For I have realized that tomorrow certainly is not promised and every single day, every single moment, every single breath I breathe is another opportunity to be whole, excellent, and free. I relinquish the fear that once drove me to sacrifice myself to the gods of mediocrity and I choose to honor the God of my gifts and talents and callings and opportunities.
It’s a new day and I’m 26 years young. Let freedom (and purpose) ring.
La Truly is a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change among young women through her writing. Check out her blog: www.hersoulinc.com and Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.
Another Day, Another Crazy Athlete: Former Baseball Star Milton Bradley Facing Spousal Abuse Charges
Most professional sports leagues do psychiatric testing on their players at some point but maybe they’re missing something because some of these fools are insane.
Former baseball star Milton Bradley is facing 13 charges related to spousal abuse, according to TMZ. If you’re a baseball fan, you know Badley’s name and know he’s had lots of trouble on and off the field most of his career. He and his wife Monique married in 2005 but Bradley filed for divorced 11 months later after the police had been to their house three times during those 11 months on domestic related calls. He was never arrested and the divorce was never finalized.
Two years ago, he was arrested for making criminal threats to Monique but in exchange for an out-of-court hearing, the charges were dropped. However, seven months later, he was arrested for allegedly attacking his wife with a bat and yet again in March 2012 for threatening her with a knife and adding, “You’ll be dead before you divorce me, Itchbay.”
These 13 counts of domestic charges stem from all the aforementioned accounts and another in November where Monique claimed Milton choked her with two hands after she asked him to stop smoking weed in front of their two children.
The charges are as follows: 4 counts of spousal battery, 4 counts of criminal threats, 2 counts of assault with a deadly weapon, 2 counts of vandalism and 1 count of dissuading a witness from making a report. If convicted, he faces up to 13 years in prison.
He’ll be arraigned on January 24th and is denying the charges.
I’m sure many of you are wondering why his wife didn’t just leave but based on the descriptions of his attacks, she likely feared for her life and the lives of her children. Hopefully, she can finally get out and she and her children get the help they need.
I hate to admit this, but I’m sort of sensitive when it comes to heavy news stories. I didn’t realize this about myself until my best friend from high school joined the Marines and was shipped off to Iraq during the war. She spent two years in Fallujah, in the heart of the action. Her Army-enlisted brother was in Afghanistan and so was my oldest sister. I used to love watching the news, but whenever they would reveal names of people who died overseas my heart would drop every time. It just became too much, so I stopped watching the news. When they all came back I decided to start back keeping abreast of what was going on in the world. But then it just seemed like there were so many news stories of how horrible people are. People killing and beating children, racially motivated crimes, men setting their ex-girlfriends on fire. Just thinking about it all, even now, has me feeling extremely tense and there’s a vein in my eyelid that is pulsating right now. It’s just too much.
During spring semester of my final year of college, a year after the Virginia Tech shooting happened, I was zoning out in my dorm watching E! when they did this program: ”Going Postal: 15 Shocking Acts of Violence.” Now, for someone who is so sensitive to these things, I still don’t know why I watched it. I like to contribute my viewing to the fact that it was in list order, because for some reason, I love watching countdown shows, I don’t know why, but I do. So I laid in my bed watching as they counted down from one senseless act after another. By the end I was sitting full upright on my bed, eyes wide and I think I was even sweating. After they revealed that number one was the VT shooting I became even more paranoid.
Before the Virginia Tech tragedy, if I was in a library and someone came in wearing a black trench coat, I would immediately leave. But after that if I was in a class and someone opened the door to peek in to see if the class was still in, I would get so mentally freaked out. Silently praying while simultaneously planning my escape route if something happened. One of my friends finally called me on my paranoia, and in a hushed tone, I whispered to her about how ridiculous people had gotten. I told her story after story from the countdown, like the guy who drove his truck through a McDonald’s and just started shooting people, or the guy who began shooting in a mall, and the “Barbie and Ken” couple that would kidnap young girls, rape them, and then kill them. My friend had a look of worry on her face, not because of all of the sickos out there, but for me. She became worried that I allowing my fear to invade my normal life, and she was right, it had. Everyone became potential murders, stalkers, pyrotechnics that wanted to try lighting someone on fire.
Things didn’t help when I came across the show “I Survived,” and saw how many people were betrayed by people they knew. A guy dated a girl for over a year just to satisfy his urge to kill someone close to him, or the lady who was raped and stabbed multiple times by her neighbor’s 16 year old son.
I finally decided that my friend was right. My fear was beginning to consume me. I wouldn’t allow myself to fully enjoy a place I was until I could spot where all the escape exits were, and while I smiled and laughed with my friends my mind continued to go over the contingency escape plans in case someone comes in with malicious intent. I began to avoid watching anymore “tragic” countdown shows, avoided “I Survived,” and I was beginning to feel more comfortable …until Sandy Hook.
Being a mother, that was difficult to watch and understand how something like that can happen. I feel like I can’t discuss it, but from that moment my old fears not only came back, but heightened because it was no longer my life on the line, it was my child’s. It wasn’t until I began to realize that keeping my daughter in the house everyday wouldn’t be good for her. I’m not saying that I’m fully over everything, but I decided that I couldn’t let my fear stop me from living my life, or from my daughter living hers. As people in the world continue to prove that there should be a mental ward on each street corner, I ask that you continue to live and enjoy your life, but always be careful. Also, be careful with what you mentally feed yourself, because that could compound your fears as well.
Some lessons don’t come to you immediately—some come to you as a memory or a sudden understanding of an event from your past. Often, as you progress toward better relationships, things become clear to you about a relationship that took place five years ago! So, while not all of these things happened to me firsthand this year (I don’t get around the block that much!), some event or person came into my life in 2012 that shed light on events from my past, and finally showed me the lesson from experiences which until recently were just meaningless pain. Maybe as you go into the new year, you too can turn some of your painful memories into helpful lessons.
I am not cheap. Well, not in obvious ways. If you find lame the fact that I have to assess whether products and services that I buy will pay for themselves, then you may call me cheap. For example, I buy cheap shirts because more often than not, I want new styles and colors and buying cheap allows me to switch up my look. They are also more likely to get stains, more often washed than other clothing, hence they wear out. Oh, I could go on and on.
But I am not cheap. Call me a “conscious shopper,” because it’s usually not all about the money.
One day as I was deciding what menu item would be the best buy for my hunger and wallet, I started to wonder about my conscious relationship-shopping. For a while, I wasn’t happy with the amount of interest from black men on a free, multi-racial dating site so I signed up for a paid black site. Currently, I have two new messages, three new flirts and my profile has been viewed 11 times (per the automated site emails). The messages and some flirts have been “new” for a few months now because without having a paid membership, I am effectively a peeping Tom-ika. I can see profiles and pictures of men who show interest, but I might as well be looking through their garbage cans since I’m not allowed to talk to them.
I got my food and started eating, still curious. Why am I so adamant about not paying for online dating? The void for black, “professional” love has been filled at least 5x over. Isn’t that what I want as a single black woman? What’s my problem?
Immediately, I knew that what I have is not a problem. It’s really a chance to see if my way of approaching one aspect of my life can help or harm another aspect of my life.
Before that day in the restaurant, I found paying for online dating somewhat living in the realm of fantasy. It reminded me of paying for home security alarm services. The home security service is marketed as two things: protection and peace of mind. But if you think you’re being protected from burglars, you are mistaken. The service is the same as a neighbor calling the police after a crime is committed. That is to say I find it rare for criminals to be scared off without physical threat and equally as rare for them to be caught. For me, criminals on dating sites are also likely to go unnoticed. I’m paying for peace of mind, not protection.
One point for not paying to see potential criminals and losers online.
In the world of online dating, peace of mind is having a pool of responsible men who are employed enough to pay a fee. Since I chose a black site, it is also a peaceful idea to have a pool of brothers.
One point for paying to see my flirts and messages and for sending my own.
How do I break this tie?
Honestly, I find online dating to be a very convenient service. Paying online is sure as hell cheaper and more convenient than traveling around the world to eat, pray and date. In fact, when I advocate online dating to girlfriends I am quick to point out how the amount of exposure (us to them and them to us) alone is cause for signing up. As my best male friend puts it, Girl, you only meet two guys every six months – how many dates can you go on? If you’re a pimp like me, you talk to as many as you can, stay busy.”
Perhaps I can stop counting. This feels like strike three. Who has time for this whole process? Who has time to search through hundreds of profiles and read them, after making their own? And really, that’s just the beginning; the next steps include sending flirts, messages and other cutesy interactive courtship equivalents. This is when feel I desperate—has my life come to this, spending hours looking for men?
For sure my online dating experience is time-consuming. But maybe I’m the cause since I want to assess the prospects closely, not to mention I want to present a well thought out profile of my own – right down to perfectly cropped pictures that eliminate distractions from my cuteness. Yes, this is the great advantage of dating online. The ability to tell a story about myself.
Another advantage is the ability to do a cost-benefit analysis before I buy (does that sound harsh) a guy: He “loves” to read so I’m okay with him playing video games. Send message. He doesn’t like to read AND he plays video games, but he’s super fine and I only want to date him. Send message.
Maybe online dating is worth the cost. Within a few hours, I can learn qualities of men near and far that it would take at least a few weeks to know with face-to-face encounters. So what if I have to pay to play as they say? At this point, it’s a convenience that will soon be a cliché not a pop culture pseudo-taboo.
I never thought of paying for online dating as taboo. From the start, my curiosity was about getting my money’s worth and whether I could apply that concept to relationship-shopping. I don’t think I can. If it happens that I meet my husband on the site, I would feel that it paid for itself. I will pay the six months in advance to save a few bucks and then check my old, “new” messages. Like I said in the beginning, I’m cheap.