All Articles Tagged "facebook"
I don’t often participate in Facebook’s “challenges.” Mostly because the word challenge is misused. It’s basically just an opportunity for people to either brag about their life or give the people they know a chance to brag about what they know of their life. You’ve seen them, the people of Facebook created the one where women in relationships were challenged to celebrate their men. There are the ones that ask your friends to share their first memory of you. There are challenge where you reveal 25 things no one knew about you (which I did participate in) and one where you have a dollar and have to “buy” the relationship characteristics you want your partner to have.
This is no shade or judgement. I do enjoy reading most of them. But these days, I mostly use Facebook to talk about news and ideas.
But there was one particular on I kept seeing pop up on my newsfeed that caught my attention. It’s this Transformation Challenge, likely known by a couple of different names. For this one you’re supposed to compare you first profile picture with your current one. Perhaps the initial goal of the challenge was to see how much you’d changed physically. But the more it started spreading, the more people thought about the mental, emotional, and psychological changes that had taken place as well.
And while I had seen the pictures compared side by side with one another, it was this deeper level of introspection and authenticity that appealed to me. I thought about my own two pictures, vowing to compare them in my head before I wrote a post about them.
When I did, I recognized just how much I had changed, the lessons I had learned. And I realized that was indeed worth sharing.
So here’s mine.
For some reason, Facebook doesn’t record this as my first profile picture. But I know it was because this was taken by my sister Vanessa during my college orientation. A couple months later, when she and my parents left me in Missouri, it was her who told me it was time to start a Facebook page; something I had been avoiding, and we chose this picture. I love my before picture because it reminds me of my fear.
The entire summer before I went off to school I was so nervous that I lost my appetite. I ate but, literally for three straight months, I was never hungry. It got so crazy that I had an endoscopy to make sure that I was ok. Nothing was wrong with me, physically. I was just so mentally preoccupied that food became obsolete. The mind is strong, y’all.
This second picture was taken, five years after I graduated college, right outside of the office of what was my dream job, where I’m still employed. I still love the actual work of the job but when you get what you want, you see things you never considered. Aside from the makeup, locs, and accessories, the woman on the left is more confident and able to stand on her own. (The day this before picture was taken, my sister informed the family that she was my crutch. Facts.) And this woman on the left is a LOT less scared. There are very few things I fear now, very few. I arrived at this place mostly because the woman on the right learned that God’s got her. There’s something about being away from home, away from familiar that causes you to rely on God in different and new ways. And that’s when things start really poppin’!
(And on another, entirely different note, I want to make it perfectly clear that I’m not bleaching. Lighting, photo retouching, and time of year make a huge difference. So y’all think about that when you accuse Beyoncé of whitewashing.)
What I found most inspiring is that my words, my journey were able to help some of the people who read it. And that’s pretty cool. I encourage you all, not necessarily to take part in this challenge, but do look at the two pictures and think about how far you’ve come.
Some of us believe that following a breakup, unfollowing your ex on social media sends the message that you’re clearly hurt over the split, and in some ways, displays a level of weakness or immaturity. But others believe that once it’s over, there’s no need to keep up with the goings on of your former flame whatsoever, so why follow them? Of course, it all depends on the person and where they are in terms of dealing with pain (or lack thereof) from the dissolution of the relationship. If it’s been a while and the romantic feelings are gone, following your ex probably feels the same as following an old classmate. It’s whatever. But if you haven’t fully moved forward, you’re setting yourself up for failure–and some hurt feelings.
At least, that’s what a new study featured in the journal of Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking states. About 464 individuals whom all have Facebook accounts and have experienced a split from an individual who also has a Facebook page were asked to take a survey about their social media habits and relationships. What researchers found was that 57 percent of participants were still “friends” on Facebook with their exes. Forty-six percent of these people said they still had exchanges with their exes through the social media site, but didn’t really talk outside of Facebook. They concluded that continuing to follow you ex, even if you don’t talk on the phone or anywhere else outside of social media, could have a major impact on your personal growth. In fact, the study points out that maintaining communication with them via social media could be a lot worse than actually having conversations on the phone and meeting up. Why? Because social media exposes you to facets of a person’s life that you wouldn’t know about otherwise. This kind of information, according to the study, can intensify heartbreak. That information includes seeing images of your ex with a new romantic interest, or viewing pictures of them super happy while you’re still feeling down in the dumps.
And yet, it was also found that Facebook exposure sometimes helped the individuals studied move on. As the results pointed out, those exes we don’t follow can “remain shrouded in an alluring mystique,” while those we see and know the whereabouts of can lose some of their luster in the post-breakup recovery process. Basically, you realize they’re not all that after all.
However, those behind the study said that overall, personal growth was mostly stunted for the large group of people who remained friends with their exes on social media.
As Tara Marshall, Ph.D., lead of the study and of the department of psychology at Brunel University in the U.K. told Mic, “The more you can minimize exposure, the more space you have to move on.”
Got it, doc. But I think we all knew that following our exes and delving into the lives they’re leading without us is far from healthy. They do call them an “ex” for a reason…
Have you ever noticed that after scrolling through Facebook for twenty minutes you’re usually left feeling hopeless, angry, confused, jealous or dejected? It’s okay—it happens to the best of us. You may not think that the posts you peruse or scroll past don’t make it into your subconscious, but there are a lot of intense emotions on Facebook that affect your mood whether you want them to or not. There is only so much filtering you can do because once you’ve read just half of an angry rant or saw a sad photo for a second, it’s made its mark. You can’t change what people post, but you can change what kind of posters you remain friends with. You might think it’s time-consuming to go through your friends list and start unfriending, but it’s a small investment in your happiness because certain Facebook posters and sucking the happiness out of you.
You’re trying to share a post with one of your friends on Facebook, but for some reason you can’t find her. You check the spelling of her name for the third time. Nothing. Wait a minute, did she unfriend you? Why can’t you find her?
It’s a familiar scenario. Friends who were staples on your Facebook page, suddenly vanish. This time, however, you investigate further to discover that your friend has gotten off of Facebook. “I needed a break,” she replies to your text. “I needed to spend more time with the kids.” It sounds similar to your bestie who took a month off of social media to gain control of what she called a ‘social media addiction.’ She used the time to be more productive and present with her twins.
You’d be lying if you said that it didn’t make you feel just a little bit jealous. Walking away from Facebook is like walking away from a caramel sundae with nuts. Most times, it’s complete overindulgence, but knowing that fact doesn’t make it any easier to say no. Yet, some moms are doing just that. Dare you say it’s a trend?
What’s up with moms quitting Facebook?
You ring your friend T., a mom of three who got off the social media platform, but recently popped back on. For her, the issue was privacy. “I would meet people I barely know and they would mention some of the things I mentioned on my Facebook status. I felt uncomfortable with the notion that we live in a glass bowl and everybody can peek in.” The break ended up being a year, (who knew it was that long!) and it took the death of a childhood friend to bring her back. “My last interaction with her was on Facebook, so it was a way for me to reconnect.”
There’s also your friend Susan, a mother of two young’uns under the age of three, who cancelled her Facebook account because she felt completely overwhelmed. She believes her absence from social media makes her a more fully present mom. “I feel like I’m in the camp of those moms who don’t feed their kids processed foods or non-organic produce. Like I’m looking out for my kids in an extra-special way.”
She did, however, venture into the YouTube vlogging pool recently, with a certain amount of trepidation. “I go back and forth all the time about featuring my kids on my channel. Do I mention their names? Do I include their images in videos? Do I tell cute little stories about them that could mortify them later when they get older.”
These are definitely valid concerns for any mom who uses social media platforms for work. Exactly how do you strike a healthy balance between mothering and social media when completely cancelling your accounts is not an option?
Dr. Kristin Carothers of the Child Mind Institute says that there are a few things moms can do to find that balance whether using social media for pleasure or work.
1. If you think you’re too often engaged in social media it might be a good idea to keep those apps off of your phone so you’re not constantly getting notifications and posting all day.
2. Give yourself a certain amount of time, say 30 minutes a day, to engage on social media. That way, you’re not getting off of it altogether, which might make you feel deprived and cause you to binge.
3. Give yourself rules about the things you post. If you have 1,000 friends on Facebook you might not want to share intimate details about your family. Know what you’re using it for. Is it to communicate with your closest friends and family? Knowing that will help determine the types of things you post.
It looks like moms have been quitting (and returning to) Facebook for various reasons for a while now. So is it a new trend? Not really. The good news is moms don’t have to completely vanish. Hopefully, more of your mommy friends will stick around, even if less often. Honestly, it’s not necessary that you see them posts every day, a simple status update every now and then will do.
I have always maintained that technology marches us forward and backward at the same time. We gain some benefits, but we lose something too. How many phone numbers do you have memorized these days? It is rapidly becoming apparent that people are leaning more and more to losing their humanity as we becoming more inundated with tech.
A bold father decided to teach his 17-year old son a lesson in an apparent act of “old school discipline” with a “new school” tech twist. The son left school without telling his father, which was a direct order if the boy was to leave. This infraction resulted in a bloodied nose. The video has now gone viral resulting in millions of views on Facebook alone.
The dad says in the video, “Granted, I know teachers can be f***ed up so I let him know he can walk out of class, but call me so I’m on your side,” the father tells the camera. ” All day went by, he didn’t call. So now it’s discipline time.”
The father finishes talking and calls the boy out. First, the son puts on his loves and then the dad put son his. They box. At first, it seems somewhat innocent, but then the son begins to bleed heavily from blows to the nose. The dad continues to pummel the son.
At the end of the video, the son is forced to apologize to his teacher for walking out of class and dad ominously says the next “report card better be golden.” Lesson learned?
The comments on this story were not one-sided but any stretch of the imagination. Some folks felt it was flat-out child abuse, while others thought the boy’s treatment was a sadly needed mixture of discipline and humiliation.
One of my friends, Lee Hawkins made a compelling indictment of the father.
Hawkins commented: “People don’t see this as “violence” but if this same method were used against or dog or a woman they would be coming for this man’s head. He would be all over the national news. But when it’s used against a small black male it is applauded! This young man has less value than a dog in the eyes of millions of people. And if a woman is beaten like this it is ‘domestic violence’ but if a child is beaten like this it is seen as ‘love’. Sad as hell! We can be better, but we have to do better. First step in that process is to go through self-examination and rid ourselves of the slave mentality. And to stop expecting the police to show our young people respect if we can’t show them respect ourselves. This was 10 times worse than the police officer who slammed the little black girl at the pool party. But we wanted him to lose his job and applauded this minstrel for beating this little boy. So counterintuitive and, as I say, ‘ignant.’ Just sayin’. smile emoticon.”
One woman fiercely advocated for the actions of the father. “Come beat mine and talk to them for me please. These lil fellas of mine is more than a hand full, “Latrese said. “My beatings don’t work.” Later, she would expound saying that beatings were reserved to let kids know that the child made a more serious mistake.
Personally, I can find no place in my heart to justify the action by this father. To me, it was brutal to watch. Couple that with the millions and and millions of people that will bear witness to the sons embarrassment, it is just wrong across the board. I understand everything about where Black boys are these days, down to the pathetic rate of high school graduation and black-on-black crime. Did I mention my dad “jacked me up” once? It was nothing like this and he wasn’t proudly parading his actions for the world to see. There must be a better way.
There are few things more engaging, informative and entertaining than a gathering of intelligent Black people. This past weekend, I trekked from Harlem to Brooklyn to attend such a gathering. And as usual, I was not disappointed. We talked about racial tensions at our alma mater that had finally come to a head, bad dates, HBCUs vs. PWIs, and most interestingly, the intersection of social media and our past lives.
What started off as talk of 10-year-high school reunions turned into a discussion about how social media has granted us access to information we never would have known in the past and arguably, might not need to know today. We talked about the fact that you know not only the relationship status but even the inner workings of said relationships because of Facebook or Twitter. We know how many children someone has had since we graduated high school. And the odd couple from college who got married suddenly.
And perhaps most interestingly, we know, for better or worse, what our exes have been doing since we parted ways.
It was then that my friend from college shared a very interesting story.
Like so many of us, after the breakup she decided to remain Facebook friends with her ex. The two dated two-three years ago and recently, he just so happened to pop up on her newsfeed. She learned that since the last time she’d checked; not only had he gotten married, his wife had recently given birth to a baby girl. Babies are always blessings, so she liked the picture of the little girl and then kept scrolling to find out more information.
After a few scrolls, she found that the little girl had a very interesting name, her name.
Now, for clarification purposes, let me just not that my friend’s name is not Ashley, Kate or Sarah. It’s quite unique and quite Afrocentric. For the sake of anonymity, I won’t use her real name but think along the lines of Fatima.
Most of us, American born Black folk, don’t meet too many Fatimas in our life times. And interestingly enough, her boyfriend wasn’t even American Black. He was Latino and White. So, I would assume that he too hadn’t run into too many Fatimas during his day either.
But after dating a Fatima, for just about a year, he decided that it would be a suitable name for his daughter, something he and his wife would call her for the rest of her life. My friend “Fatima” who had liked the picture of the girl, quickly scrolled back up to remove her like, not wanting to cause any strife in her ex’s household. Imagine what his wife would think to see Fatima liking a picture of her daughter Fatima on her husband’s page. Obviously, since she’s his Facebook friend she would know the two had some type of connection. And Fatima reasoned that if he hadn’t told his wife about the inspiration behind their daughter’s name, she didn’t want to be the one to expose it and cause any tension in their household.
While my friend said a part of her was a bit flattered by the name choice, she also found it exceptionally weird and inappropriate. (I leaned more toward the latter sentiment.) Maybe he just really liked the meaning of Fatima. And maybe we’re all just a little too self centered to see that some people are big enough to disassociate the name from the memories they have with and of a particular person. Still, there’s something strange about calling your daughter by the name of your former romantic partner.
What do you think about naming a child after an ex? Does it mean that they’re not over you and want to honor you in some way? Or does it just meant that they happened to like the name? Also, if you were to discover that your husband named your child after one of his exes, what would you do?
My last relationship was so hard to let go because we were always off and on. And even when we were off, we somehow ended up being friends…which would eventually turn in to us being on again. It was a cyclical mess. But either way, when I was playing the friend role, before I came to the realization that our communication was rather inappropriate, I heard plenty of stories about his current girlfriend.
Mostly bad stories about how he wanted to be out but could never find the strength to do it. Read: Homegirl put it on him and he couldn’t make it out. Anyway, with all this knowledge about her, I had to see what she looked like. Had to. Who was this sex goddess? These days, all it takes is a name and a mutual friend on any social media channel, this one just so happened to be Facebook, and you can learn someone’s whole life story. More than what I already knew about her. So of course when I found her profile, there were questions I hope the pictures would answer. I wanted to see if he had a type. He didn’t. All of his girlfriends looked drastically different. I wanted to see if she was cute. She was aight. And I wanted to see if there was any signs of crazy. She looked pleasant enough.
A part of me felt a tad bad about stalking. But hmmm not that bad.
Plus, I know I’m not the only one. There’s even a meme for it.
So many of my friends and associates have talked about wanting to see what the ex looks like, wanting to know what type of person she is. Clicking through her Facebook or scrolling through her Instagram, analyzing her fashion choices, trying to figure out what it was he once saw in her. As long as you don’t slip up and accidentally like an Instagram picture, I really see no down side in all of this, just a collection of information.
I guess things can get a little sticky if you’re feeling a little insecure and his ex happens to be a banger. But at the end of the day, you can always tell yourself that he chose you. There was something that didn’t make them a good fit for one another. Then all of those worries have to flee.
Have you ever done research on your man’s ex? Is there anything wrong with traveling down this rabbit hole?
“Ain’t real if it ain’t on social media.”
That’s what a friend of mine said in jest when I told her about a woman who was seeking advice regarding whether or not she was overreacting by mistrusting her boyfriend because he won’t let her follow him on social media. And while the immediate response would be a definite “petty” vote, they have been together for three whole years. So what’s the deal?
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. We live an hour and half apart but see each other almost every weekend. I’ve met his family and friends. We also talk about the future and we love each other. There’s only one thing that causes mistrust and that’s the fact that he refuses to add me to Instagram or Facebook. He says he has had bad experiences with social media in his previous relationship and doesn’t want it to be a factor in our relationship. I can’t shake the feeling that he is hiding something from me that he knows will upset me and I would prefer he were open with me about everything. Am I overreacting about this and should I be concerned? We’ve had many arguments about this and I feel like it’s hurting my trust for him because of his unwillingness to compromise.
Remember the good ol’ days when social media wasn’t prevalent enough for everyone to have accounts, so it wasn’t a factor in one’s relationship? In the words of Edith and Archie Bunker, those were the days.
But it is a bit odd, don’t you think? The idea that someone “refuses” to include you in a certain part of their life after so much time together. The idea that when they request you on social media, you would hit “ignore,” “decline” or do the whole, “I’m just going to leave this right here” move. As one woman said, “A man who has nothing to hide, hides nothing.”
Still, I’ll try and play devil’s advocate real quick.
Considering that they’ve been together for more than a thousand days, she’s met his family and his friends, and all in all, they seem to have a healthy relationship, is this situation really a deal breaker? Does she want to compromise what they’ve built based on the only part of his life she hasn’t been given access to, the most superficial, inconsequential part? Granted, he could be out here doing something he’s not supposed to, and that could be why he’s trying to keep his Instagram and Facebook on the low. But if she trusts him, then she probably shouldn’t let this bog her mind.
I’ve been with my fiancé for almost four years and we don’t follow each other on social media. Granted, he only has a Facebook account that he sporadically uses, mostly once a year to say, “Thanks!” to birthday wishes, but I believe in my heart that me being all in his Facebook wouldn’t keep him from doing whatever he wants or plans to do. I can only trust him as he can only trust that my pages aren’t being used for inappropriate behavior. Plus, what is this? College?
However, devil’s advocate here, I still don’t get the refusal. The opposition to compromising. I understand that he doesn’t want to open the door to this young woman investigating his accounts so she can become paranoid, as that may have been the case in past relationships. But, again, when you have nothing to hide, why go out of your way to be so private with someone so important?
Clearly, I don’t have the answers, Sway. But I can see both sides to the argument. They’re valid enough. But after three years, if it’s causing that much drama and arguments, it might be worth it to deactivate that sh-t…
But as always, that’s just my opinion. What do you think? Is she petty for getting bent out of shape because he won’t befriend her on his social media? Or is he petty for trying to keep it on the low?
The other day I was scrolling through “Facebook Memories,” you know the app that curates your posts and statuses from today’s date in years past. It’s easily one of the best features on the site. Everything I was seeing made me smile and reminisce, until I stumbled across something that induced a cringe.
It was a status where I tagged or mentioned my former boo thang. I cringed mostly because I didn’t talk about our relationship publicly. Mostly because it was so loosely defined for us that I didn’t feel comfortable putting it out there for the people, knowing that there would be questions, comments and prying dips into our business. Plus, when you break up to make up and then break up again, it’s hard to keep a consistent posting schedule that wouldn’t indicate that there are problems in paradise. So, I was scared. The last thing I want in life is to look like a fool, on social media or in real life.
But on this day, years ago, after homeboy put in a bit of a request for a shoutout, I wrote a Facebook status including his name. It was years ago, but thanks to memories, it popped right back up, making me cringe.
I think it was with this failed relationship in mind that I was so hesitant to put my new, current, infinitely more stable one on social media. I didn’t want questions. I didn’t want to cringe if it didn’t work out. And I didn’t want to look like a fool. I had never readily admitted these things to myself. It was just a feeling, a sense that I had, that I may or may not have been able to articulate if asked.
Little did I know, my mother would be the one to do just that.
I texted her a picture of my boyfriend and I and she was so inspired that, without my permission, she posted it on her Facebook page. She was dead wrong. After I had my sister log into her account to delete it, I told her how wrong she was, that it wasn’t her place to do that. She wasn’t trying to hear me.
“Girl, get off my phone talking crazy.”
“Moooom,” I pleaded, “I haven’t even posted a picture of us yet.”
And then she asked me a very simple question that caused me to examine myself.
“Why haven’t you?”
That’s when I realized that while I absolutely didn’t want my mom to be posting my business, there was really no legitimate reason why I hadn’t. Different dude, different relationship. No reason to be hesitant.
But I can’t lie. A part of me remembered cousins and associates who had put entirely too much of their relationship business on social media early, only to find that the relationship fizzled. And what were once happy, optimistic, romantic, “my boo is better than your boo” statuses turned into embittered, single and salty, messy breakup posts.
I thought of Ciara posting her N for Nayvadius tattoo and calling him her king. And especially her interview with Brides magazine. And we all know how that turned out. It was embarrassing. We were embarrassed for her.
Then again, I’m sure Ciara felt sure about her relationship. Particularly after Future proposed to her…and got her pregnant, whichever came first.
So, much like relationships themselves, it’s a gamble either way. You do it…or don’t do it and hope for the best.
When you feel comfortable sharing your relationship on social media?
Facebook is used for a lot of things. Meeting new people, catching up with old friends, promoting businesses and organizations, and for some people, being a troll. But in the case of 18-year-old Nakasia James, she used the social media platform to confess to her followers and anyone else who may be interested, that she allegedly killed her boyfriend, 21-year-old Dorian Powell.
According to the Los Angeles Times, police in San Bernadino, Calif. are searching for James after police were called Monday at 2:30 a.m. about a domestic disturbance, which ended with a woman stabbing her boyfriend. But by the time police arrived at Powell’s apartment, he was dead at the scene, and James was already gone. According to a statement from the San Bernadino police, they are unaware of her whereabouts after the fact and are searching for the 18-year-old.
“Nakasia is aware that she is being sought in connection with this homicide. At this time it does appear to be related to a domestic disturbance inside the apartment.”
And that’s what a woman with the same name and Facebook profile as James (Nakasia “Macc” James) said occurred when sharing her confession on Monday. A profile police say is definitely James’s account. She said that she stabbed Powell in self-defense.
According to KTLA News, police said there are no other reported incidents of violence related to Powell’s residence. They are urging her to come forward.