All Articles Tagged "exes"
Don’t Set His Things On Fire. Instead, Try These Healthy Tips To Help Get Over An Ex After Being Dumped
When you’re in the honeymoon phase of a relationship, where you can’t keep your hands off of each other, you’ve planned your wedding in your head (or via Pinterest) and determined the name of your would-be children, the last thing you think about is breaking up. And then, one day, it happens. You and Mr. or Mrs. Right are no more. That’s when you’re in a different phase and place altogether. Your heart is broken, you cringe at the sight of happy couples, and you want to erase every trace of your ex from your memory…and your phone.
We’ve all been there, and we all know that ending a relationship is tough (especially if you were the dumpee and not the dumper). And depending on how things ended, sometimes you can’t help but feel, well, bitter after a breakup. That infamous Waiting To Exhale scene comes to mind and suddenly lighting your ex’s stuff on fire doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. But this is real life, and you’re no arsonist (I hope). So how do you move on after being broken up with, and do so in a way that’s healthy? Here are some helpful tips.
There are few things more engaging, informative and entertaining than a gathering of intelligent Black people. This past weekend, I trekked from Harlem to Brooklyn to attend such a gathering. And as usual, I was not disappointed. We talked about racial tensions at our alma mater that had finally come to a head, bad dates, HBCUs vs. PWIs, and most interestingly, the intersection of social media and our past lives.
What started off as talk of 10-year-high school reunions turned into a discussion about how social media has granted us access to information we never would have known in the past and arguably, might not need to know today. We talked about the fact that you know not only the relationship status but even the inner workings of said relationships because of Facebook or Twitter. We know how many children someone has had since we graduated high school. And the odd couple from college who got married suddenly.
And perhaps most interestingly, we know, for better or worse, what our exes have been doing since we parted ways.
It was then that my friend from college shared a very interesting story.
Like so many of us, after the breakup she decided to remain Facebook friends with her ex. The two dated two-three years ago and recently, he just so happened to pop up on her newsfeed. She learned that since the last time she’d checked; not only had he gotten married, his wife had recently given birth to a baby girl. Babies are always blessings, so she liked the picture of the little girl and then kept scrolling to find out more information.
After a few scrolls, she found that the little girl had a very interesting name, her name.
Now, for clarification purposes, let me just not that my friend’s name is not Ashley, Kate or Sarah. It’s quite unique and quite Afrocentric. For the sake of anonymity, I won’t use her real name but think along the lines of Fatima.
Most of us, American born Black folk, don’t meet too many Fatimas in our life times. And interestingly enough, her boyfriend wasn’t even American Black. He was Latino and White. So, I would assume that he too hadn’t run into too many Fatimas during his day either.
But after dating a Fatima, for just about a year, he decided that it would be a suitable name for his daughter, something he and his wife would call her for the rest of her life. My friend “Fatima” who had liked the picture of the girl, quickly scrolled back up to remove her like, not wanting to cause any strife in her ex’s household. Imagine what his wife would think to see Fatima liking a picture of her daughter Fatima on her husband’s page. Obviously, since she’s his Facebook friend she would know the two had some type of connection. And Fatima reasoned that if he hadn’t told his wife about the inspiration behind their daughter’s name, she didn’t want to be the one to expose it and cause any tension in their household.
While my friend said a part of her was a bit flattered by the name choice, she also found it exceptionally weird and inappropriate. (I leaned more toward the latter sentiment.) Maybe he just really liked the meaning of Fatima. And maybe we’re all just a little too self centered to see that some people are big enough to disassociate the name from the memories they have with and of a particular person. Still, there’s something strange about calling your daughter by the name of your former romantic partner.
What do you think about naming a child after an ex? Does it mean that they’re not over you and want to honor you in some way? Or does it just meant that they happened to like the name? Also, if you were to discover that your husband named your child after one of his exes, what would you do?
I always chuckle at those memes and Instagram videos about people trying to lay claim to your best friend. This one is my favorite.
In my mature mind, I know that I’m not my friend’s only friend. I know that, especially with us living in different cities, that there are going to be times when we surround ourselves and socialize with other people. I just want everyone else to know their role and fall in line…behind me. Particularly if that role is nonexistent and it’s becoming painfully clear that you’re trying to force a relationship that never existed in the first place.
If you can’t tell by now, this is personal. And in my crunkness, I might have gotten a little ahead of myself, so allow me to explain. After years, over a decade of going back and forth with one another, my “ex” and I “broke up,” years ago. And we’ve both moved on. I unfriended and unfollowed. And I assume he did the same. We don’t communicate with one another at all and we’re both seeing new people. In the words of our Lord and Savior, in this here Lenten season, “It is finished.”
Interestingly enough, when our relationship ended, he seemed like he started a campaign to reach out to the people around me. He visited my mother at her job, her own business. Friended my father on Facebook. Weird but I didn’t think too much of it. My parents are mine. Their loyalty will always be with me. It’s a biological bond that can’t be broken. Plus, I know my dad always had his reservations.
But what did bother me was his perpetual, consistent interaction with my best friend. Like my father, my best friend also had her reservations about dude. And while I was the one who was always trying to point out the ways in which the two were shockingly similar, I don’t think they ever had a single real life conversation with one another. Yet, that didn’t stop him from liking, commenting, questioning and otherwise engaging with far too many of her social media posts.
If she writes about contemplating changing her hair style, he has a comment. If she references her moods, he inquires about how she’s feeling. He responds, with pictures, to her pop culture discussions. My friend is not rude so she responds. And while I would like to look at their social media friendship fondly, I just find it exceptionally strange.
Like my father, I don’t believe he has the potential to compromise our relationship. We have an amazing bond, which he couldn’t even begin to understand. In fact, we’ve talked about the weirdness of his frequent reaching out. And I think that’s what makes it so strange. It’s like him trying to encroach on a relationship he didn’t put in the work to build, something he couldn’t even begin to understand.
Could this be me being overprotective of my friend and skeptical of ole boy. Perhaps. But how many people try to develop a relationship with the best friend once a romantic situation ends?
What is it about past romantic relationships that can cause us to wonder “What if?” “What if we never broke up?” “What if we worked through our struggles?” “What if I would have spoken up sooner instead of becoming resentful?” “What if I let him/her know how important they were to me?” “What if they were the one?”
We can be progressing in our lives, but during a moment of reflection, it can stop us and make us begin to fixate on a past companion. This probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal if it didn’t seem as though our mind was starting to play tricks on us.
We begin to think about all of the good times, the cuddles, the kisses, the moments that made us feel loved and wanted. After awhile, it can make us put that past person on a pedestal. We begin to forget the wrongs, question our judgment and then get lost in the desire that we redevelop for that person.
You’re not alone. It happens to everyone, but I’m here to help you out. Right when you begin to feel as though you’re yearning for someone from your past, try to remember the following things:
Be objective – There’s something about past love that encourages us to put our rose-colored glasses on while thinking about the good times. However, you need to take those off and look at things with 20/20 vision. Yes, you might not have done everything perfectly; but in all honesty, neither did your ex. You were two imperfect people who just happened not to be perfect together, and that’s okay.
Appreciate the good – I’ve had some exes who did very repulsive things, but there are moments that I did share with them that I still occasionally cherish. Why? Those moments were special. On top of that, it reminds me that if I ever do decide to venture back into the dating pool, though those moments were significant, I can always have them with someone else.
Remember those times, and just use them as a measure of the things that you will really appreciate in the future. Learn from them, and discover the things that were important to you. But know that you can always get them from someone else down the line. The good times don’t stop rolling just because that relationship ended.
But remember the bad – In the same sense, it’s not good to dwell on the past, but it’s good to learn from it. Sometimes when we think too fondly of exes, we forget the reasons why we broke up with them (or vice versa) in the first place.
Maybe they didn’t respect you. Maybe you two argued too much. Maybe you were at two separate places in your lives, and it caused a rift.
Use those bad times as a measure of how you deserve to be treated in the next relationship. You have standards for a reason, and that past relationship showed you the things you liked, and the things that you didn’t appreciate. Just keep those mental reminders around when you begin to lust over the person from your past who wasn’t as perfect as you remember them to be.
Now, I know a few happy couples who broke up for a period but got back together and have stayed together for years. However, they were able to confront their past mistakes, accept their flaws, and work together to have a better union than before. But, a good way to do that is to avoid erasing the sins from the past; instead, learn and grow from them.
Kendra Koger is taking her own advice and occasionally tweeting @kkoger.
You can always learn something from a breakup. And while bickering and backbiting always make headlines, these celebrities and their exes have been keeping it civil and mature. They’re giving us all a few tips on how to learn and move forward from a breakup.
I was one of those overly dramatic, overly sensitive worry-wart kids. So naturally, I spent countless hours sittin’ up in my room (shout out to Brandy) listening to love songs. I used to shed real tears I would be so caught up. If nothing else, I was passionate.
Dru Hill, with Nokio’s expert writing abilities, Jazz’s impeccable upper register and Sisqo’s heartfelt delivery, were one of my favorites. Real, ride-or-die Dru Hill fans know that on their 1998 album Enter the Dru, they have a song called “What Do I Do With The Love.”
For those who aren’t familiar, the song is about the end of a relationship. The members of the group harmonize about what they’re supposed to do with the love they anticipated giving to their now estranged partner. At 11 years old, I didn’t know anything about love but I thought the concept was fascinating. (Diane Warren is a beast wit it.) But seriously, what do you do with the love? It’s an energy, a force, it certainly can’t just evaporate.
It wasn’t until years later that I came to understand that Diane and Dru Hill were absolutely right, when you love someone, even after a relationship ends, the love is still there. Not in an ‘I want you back’ kind of way. But rather in a ‘I wish you well and please know that even though we shouldn’t, can’t, and won’t be together; somewhere out there, on a spiritual plane, there is love for you.’
Saying that spiritual plane part might creep some folks out, so you might be looking to send other signals to let them know the love is out there. Something like a “Happy Birthday Text.”
We know it well, right ladies?
Now before you start making assumptions, I’m not talking about the let me send this happy birthday to see if he’s still feeling me. I’m talking about the ‘since you played a significant role in my life, let me acknowledge the day you entered into the world’ type of happy birthday text.
Still, it’s hard to communicate that message with a simple Happy Birthday. The phrase can be interpreted many ways. It can, as many of you may have assumed, read like an invitation, a way to gauge interest or strike up conversation after a year of ghost. Because the phrase is so loaded, it’s the reason we women–or at least I–agonized over sending that text last year.
I’m almost ashamed to say that I debated for weeks about whether or not to send the text to someone I’ll call an “ex.”
When the day finally came around, I, sitting on my toilet where all the good thinking happens, decided to send the text hastily. He responded promptly. Thanking me, asking me a off-topic question about my family, and that was it.
And after the brief exchange I felt relieved and mentally scolded myself for being #teamtoomuch.
But…when my birthday rolled around 3 months later, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit of anxious expectancy waiting for that same ‘Happy Birthday’ text. And I would also be lying if I said I didn’t feel some type of way when it never came.
This time I thought, ‘Daaang! For real, you ain’t got no love for me somewhere in the universe homie?!’
I’ll spare y’all all of the details; but long story short, having known this dude since I was 13-years-old in middle school, I thought for sure we’d be able to maintain a semblance of friendship. You know the kind where we text a few times a year on holidays. But curving me on my birthday, let me know, without a shadow of a doubt, that was not about to happen.
And in a few months when dude’s birthday rolls around again, I will not be sending that SMS. (The fact that he didn’t have an iPhone–and didn’t want one–was just one of the reasons we couldn’t seem to make it work.) Ultimately, I know love is a spiritual thang and I shouldn’t have had any expectations; but reciprocity is real important in the practical space, and this wasn’t the first time it’s been an issue in the course of our relationship. Still, mad love… I’ll just send a birthday shout into the universe and hope he knows it’s out there if he ever needs it.
I’ve learned my lesson with this particular one; but I wanted to ask you all if a relationship ends with no bad blood, do you wish your exes happy birthday? Why or why not?
“You are the company you keep.” “Show me your friends and I will show you your future.” These type of quotes often replay in my mind when I am doing my “who the hell am I spending my time with?” inventory. I usually try to conduct this assessment at least four or five times a year, or when a life-changing situation occurs. This time, though, it was different. I wasn’t looking at my life, but rather, I was critiquing someone else’s: a guy who was interested in dating me. He seemed decent enough, but the company he kept, specifically the woman he used to date, was a bit questionable. So I questioned him about it.
While it sounds judgemental, it’s important to know who a person spends or has spent the majority of their time around. Here was his situation: he was engaged to a woman who was known to lie, cheat, and even steal. She was known for trying to get over on people, and ultimately he became a victim. Still, he stayed with her for years. This decision told me that either he loved the shadiness, or he didn’t value himself enough to get out of that relationship sooner than later.
Here’s the thing: I am not here to judge how someone acts or who they choose to love. But what I do have to monitor is the people I allow in my life. You do what works for you, but I have to do what works for me.
I’ve dated some questionable guys in my past, and although it took some time for me to get out of the situations (not years like this fella), I eventually started to understand that the people I involved myself with said a lot about my character.
If you’re seriously involved or spend most of your time around people who are disrespectful, careless with their lives, and live free of any real morals or values, what are people going to think about you? Seriously, what do you even think of yourself? Even the most disciplined person eventually inherits traits from his or her environment. And if you’re not careful, you will soon become a product of your environment, aka, the company you keep.
So before I decided to date this guy, I needed to find out where his head was. Basically, was it still in the same place it was when he was ready to marry someone with such questionable behavior? This is not to say that I am better than any of his ex-girlfriends or the friends he currently hangs around, but I am very careful about who I let consume most of my time.
Your relationships, with your man or even with your friends, say a lot about your current state of mind. And while you may not care how others will perceive you because of them, at least be aware for your future. You will soon become who you spend most of your days with. And if you don’t like what’s around you, you’d better change it quickly.
These celebrities tried to move on, but their exes said not so fast.
Everyone has an ex who they wish would forget “we” ever happened. Set-ups, beat downs and on-stage temper tantrums. These exes have had a lot of trouble letting go and they’re taking their dragging their celebrity exes down with them.
Each of these four celebrities has one ex in common. Can you guess who it is?