All Articles Tagged "exes"
I was one of those overly dramatic, overly sensitive worry-wart kids. So naturally, I spent countless hours sittin’ up in my room (shout out to Brandy) listening to love songs. I used to shed real tears I would be so caught up. If nothing else, I was passionate.
Dru Hill, with Nokio’s expert writing abilities, Jazz’s impeccable upper register and Sisqo’s heartfelt delivery, were one of my favorites. Real, ride-or-die Dru Hill fans know that on their 1998 album Enter the Dru, they have a song called “What Do I Do With The Love.”
For those who aren’t familiar, the song is about the end of a relationship. The members of the group harmonize about what they’re supposed to do with the love they anticipated giving to their now estranged partner. At 11 years old, I didn’t know anything about love but I thought the concept was fascinating. (Diane Warren is a beast wit it.) But seriously, what do you do with the love? It’s an energy, a force, it certainly can’t just evaporate.
It wasn’t until years later that I came to understand that Diane and Dru Hill were absolutely right, when you love someone, even after a relationship ends, the love is still there. Not in an ‘I want you back’ kind of way. But rather in a ‘I wish you well and please know that even though we shouldn’t, can’t, and won’t be together; somewhere out there, on a spiritual plane, there is love for you.’
Saying that spiritual plane part might creep some folks out, so you might be looking to send other signals to let them know the love is out there. Something like a “Happy Birthday Text.”
We know it well, right ladies?
Now before you start making assumptions, I’m not talking about the let me send this happy birthday to see if he’s still feeling me. I’m talking about the ‘since you played a significant role in my life, let me acknowledge the day you entered into the world’ type of happy birthday text.
Still, it’s hard to communicate that message with a simple Happy Birthday. The phrase can be interpreted many ways. It can, as many of you may have assumed, read like an invitation, a way to gauge interest or strike up conversation after a year of ghost. Because the phrase is so loaded, it’s the reason we women–or at least I–agonized over sending that text last year.
I’m almost ashamed to say that I debated for weeks about whether or not to send the text to someone I’ll call an “ex.”
When the day finally came around, I, sitting on my toilet where all the good thinking happens, decided to send the text hastily. He responded promptly. Thanking me, asking me a off-topic question about my family, and that was it.
And after the brief exchange I felt relieved and mentally scolded myself for being #teamtoomuch.
But…when my birthday rolled around 3 months later, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit of anxious expectancy waiting for that same ‘Happy Birthday’ text. And I would also be lying if I said I didn’t feel some type of way when it never came.
This time I thought, ‘Daaang! For real, you ain’t got no love for me somewhere in the universe homie?!’
I’ll spare y’all all of the details; but long story short, having known this dude since I was 13-years-old in middle school, I thought for sure we’d be able to maintain a semblance of friendship. You know the kind where we text a few times a year on holidays. But curving me on my birthday, let me know, without a shadow of a doubt, that was not about to happen.
And in a few months when dude’s birthday rolls around again, I will not be sending that SMS. (The fact that he didn’t have an iPhone–and didn’t want one–was just one of the reasons we couldn’t seem to make it work.) Ultimately, I know love is a spiritual thang and I shouldn’t have had any expectations; but reciprocity is real important in the practical space, and this wasn’t the first time it’s been an issue in the course of our relationship. Still, mad love… I’ll just send a birthday shout into the universe and hope he knows it’s out there if he ever needs it.
I’ve learned my lesson with this particular one; but I wanted to ask you all if a relationship ends with no bad blood, do you wish your exes happy birthday? Why or why not?
“You are the company you keep.” “Show me your friends and I will show you your future.” These type of quotes often replay in my mind when I am doing my “who the hell am I spending my time with?” inventory. I usually try to conduct this assessment at least four or five times a year, or when a life-changing situation occurs. This time, though, it was different. I wasn’t looking at my life, but rather, I was critiquing someone else’s: a guy who was interested in dating me. He seemed decent enough, but the company he kept, specifically the woman he used to date, was a bit questionable. So I questioned him about it.
While it sounds judgemental, it’s important to know who a person spends or has spent the majority of their time around. Here was his situation: he was engaged to a woman who was known to lie, cheat, and even steal. She was known for trying to get over on people, and ultimately he became a victim. Still, he stayed with her for years. This decision told me that either he loved the shadiness, or he didn’t value himself enough to get out of that relationship sooner than later.
Here’s the thing: I am not here to judge how someone acts or who they choose to love. But what I do have to monitor is the people I allow in my life. You do what works for you, but I have to do what works for me.
I’ve dated some questionable guys in my past, and although it took some time for me to get out of the situations (not years like this fella), I eventually started to understand that the people I involved myself with said a lot about my character.
If you’re seriously involved or spend most of your time around people who are disrespectful, careless with their lives, and live free of any real morals or values, what are people going to think about you? Seriously, what do you even think of yourself? Even the most disciplined person eventually inherits traits from his or her environment. And if you’re not careful, you will soon become a product of your environment, aka, the company you keep.
So before I decided to date this guy, I needed to find out where his head was. Basically, was it still in the same place it was when he was ready to marry someone with such questionable behavior? This is not to say that I am better than any of his ex-girlfriends or the friends he currently hangs around, but I am very careful about who I let consume most of my time.
Your relationships, with your man or even with your friends, say a lot about your current state of mind. And while you may not care how others will perceive you because of them, at least be aware for your future. You will soon become who you spend most of your days with. And if you don’t like what’s around you, you’d better change it quickly.
These celebrities tried to move on, but their exes said not so fast.
Everyone has an ex who they wish would forget “we” ever happened. Set-ups, beat downs and on-stage temper tantrums. These exes have had a lot of trouble letting go and they’re taking their dragging their celebrity exes down with them.
Each of these four celebrities has one ex in common. Can you guess who it is?
In my previous relationship, I was madly and unconditionally in love with my boyfriend. We meant the world to each other but I felt he didn’t trust me. When I confronted him, he would say it’s because he is jealous. Despite all the issues we had, we were in love with each other and I never imagined us breaking up. But one day, one of my distant uncles discouraged me from dating my boyfriend because he apparently was not from a good home. This really hurt me but I took it to heart and decided to look at all the negatives and pulled out. I’m now in a different relationship but I’m still in love with my ex. Every time my current boyfriend fails it makes me think of my ex. I really love my ex but my current boyfriend is so good to. Should I go back to my ex despite what my uncle said or should I continue loving to my current boyfriend ?
Jazmine: You should truly get to the root of why you broke up with your ex-boyfriend. Was it solely based on the things that your uncle brought to your attention or was it that he did not trust you? Only after you get to the root of that will you be able to accurately assess whether or not you should go back to your ex-boyfriend. What will make things different this time around? Has he changed at all?
As for your current boyfriend, I believe that you have him in a very unfair position. For one, you’re constantly comparing him to your ex-boyfriend and honestly, you don’t seem to be very into him. If you’re willing to leave him for someone else, then you should probably ask yourself whether or not you actually love him in the first place.
I’m not sure how much time passed between your last relationship and your current, but perhaps you should spend some time alone so that you are able to truly sort things out and figure out what you want to do with a clear head.
Veronica: Your letter makes me think you’re imagining your past relationship to be better than what it really was. You said you loved your ex unconditionally but the trust issues, more than your uncle’s “he’s not from a good home” analysis, let you know it was time to bounce. Trust issues aren’t problems you can gloss over. Even if you love someone, not trusting that person–or him not trusting you– can doom your relationship. Which is exactly what happened to you before. You need to figure out if you’re really satisfied with your current boyfriend. Do you only think about your ex when your current man messes up? If you decide to leave your current guy, I wouldn’t suggest going back to your ex, simply because it might not be the fairy tale you imagined.
Lauren: It appears you do not trust your own instincts. Your uncle or whomever should not have the power to direct the course of your relationship — especially an uncle who you consider to be a distant relative. Also, your uncle does not know your significant other in the same capacity as you do. I think for the moment, it would be best for you not to go back to your ex. He doesn’t know how to trust a partner because he has jealousy issues. That factor will not produce a healthy relationship. As for your current boyfriend, I do not think it is fair to be with him if you do not love him and if you constantly compare him to your ex-boyfriend.
Victoria: The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. While you say your uncle played a big role in your decision to leave your ex, you’re an adult and you knew your ex better than anyone. Chances are you had your reasons for wanting to move on and did just that. But it does seem that you still have deep feelings for your ex. In my opinion before you try to rekindle an old flame, make sure you wouldn’t be walking back into the same situation that made you leave in the first place. And the jealousy sounds like it was a big problem for you guys. And if you do want to be with your ex, have respect enough for your new man to be honest with him about what you’re feeling and leave before you try to get that old thing back. If he’s been good to you he deserves that much.
Brande: Don’t go back to your ex and seriously consider whether you want to be with your current partner. We all have a tendency to look back on past relationships with rose-tinted glasses and wonder “what if,” but when we do so, we’re usually omitting all the negative issues that caused the relationship to end. Jealousy is not a small issue to deal with. Something besides your uncle told you to leave your ex alone — your intuition — and it seems you were right to follow it. As for the current man, are you really happy with him or was he just a rebound after breaking up with your ex? Every time a man falters you shouldn’t want to throw in the towel and go back to someone else unless you truly feel unfulfilled. It may be a good time for you to spend some time alone figuring out what you really want.
The only thing worse than the breakup itself are the conversations you have after it. When things don’t end with a clean break, things get crazy quick. Lets all take a moment to laugh at the dumb stuff exes say when it’s finally over.
I Talked To Your Mother The Other Day
There is nothing like the relationship that just won’t end. Your relationship is over but he’s still talking to your mother and Facebooking your sister.
In a perfect world, when a couple goes through a hard time and has to make a decision as to whether their relationship is worth continuing, they decide that it is. However, that’s not really what happens. The reality is people usually take breaks, they date other people, and focus solely on themselves for a bit, and it’s not until they “feel” like it that they get back together. I’ll tell you up front, both men and women do this. I’ve seen a guy wait around for over a year while a woman sorted her life (and loins) out.
As it pertains to men, after the breakup that reconciliation period or time away from the relationship is their time to “live.” When you break up you not only want to fix your relationship but yourself too. Relationships can be taxing on other parts of your life and that can lead to you dropping the ball on other things. For example, when you’re in a relationship you may have put that business plan or great book idea to the side to focus on your relationship. After the breakup you may want to reconcile, but first you think you’ll be much happier in that relationship if you are able to get your business up and running.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times when a guy knows that reconciliation is an option, but he spends a long time dilly dallying around with other women. He’s on a relationship vacation. This can be a good thing and it can be a bad thing. On one hand, you want a guy to get all that out of his system before getting back in a relationship. (That’s if it’s possible for him to get it out of his system.) On the other hand, you don’t want a guy who wants to have a bunch of fun with Lord knows who and then get back with you when he’s ready. This is why a relationship (and a breakup) has to be a mutually agreed upon thing and both people have to go into it that way.
There are a few ways to handle this situation if you’re the woman on the end of this breakup. For one, you are more than entitled to live your life and sow your royal oats too. Fair exchange is no robbery. He can’t get mad at you for dating other guys when he’s dating other girls and it may even inspire him to get himself together. You can also go back to him and give him an ultimatum. (Just don’t ever call it an ultimatum and be careful how you deliver this ultimatum because nobody likes ultimatums.) You can tell him that you want him to make a decision because you’re not going to leave the offer on the table indefinitely. That it’s more about you and your feelings than it is about forcing him to be with you when he will be unhappy. Between the two of these plans I would recommend that you do something in the middle.
I recommend that when you’re not together, you decide to just not be together. You don’t talk, you don’t communicate, when you’re ready to get back together you get back together. However, when you’re not you’re not. You can date other people, or you cannot date other people. Whatever you do, just don’t do it together. Don’t try and hangout with each other or be friends, that’s not possible and it will likely lead to a long break period. Do not sleep with one another because you need the sex and don’t want to have it with anyone else. This will result in feelings being exchanged that can complicate the situation even more. I guess what I’m recommending is that a breakup be a break up and a relationship be a relationship. Eliminate the middle ground and this will be less confusing.
Last week, media outlets were buzzing with rumors about what’s believed to be Hollywood’s latest odd couple, rapper French Montana and Khloe Kardashian. The duo were spotted out and about on several occasions, and it appears that they’re an item. There’s just one problem: Montana is still legally married to his estranged wife, Deen Kharbouch. Surprisingly, Kharbouch spoke out about the rumored couple in a telling new interview with Life & Style. In the interview, Kharbouch all but warned the rapper’s new love interest to run for the hills because she’s more than likely being set up to become Montana’s next victim.
“She has to be careful,” Deen warned. “Things are not what they seem.”
According to Kharbouch, Montana (born Karim Kharbouch) pretty much abandoned her and their 4-year-old son, Kruz, once he became famous.
“He and I worked together to put him where he is,” she explained. “As soon as he popped, it was as if Kruz and I didn’t exist. He practically abandoned us.”
“Sometimes we won’t hear from him for two or three months,” she added.
Montana, however, recounts the demise of their relationship a bit differently.
“Man, I couldn’t do it; that’s why we got separated,” Montana told TheBoomBox in 2012. “At first it was smooth, but then as much as people think that money changes you, it’s changing them around you. A person ain’t gonna treat you the same now that they think that you think you somebody. You around so many beautiful women, that’s a conflict too. It’s just about finding somebody that understand the game, what you’re into. You can’t expect to make all this money and not go through problems. You can’t expect God to give you everything you want without taking something away.”
Of course, there are three sides to every story and we’ll never truly know what went wrong between Montana and Kharbouch. However, after reading Kharbouch’s comments, I started wondering whether or not Kardashian would take heed to or even consider the estranged wife’s words. On one hand, the possibility that her perception of him is stained with bitterness and resentment is great. On the other hand, this is coming from a woman who has been married to this man for years and probably knows him extremely well. And then of course, there’s the possibility that these two people simply were not meant to be together.
Kharbouch’s interesting revelation and direct words of warning made me reflect on the current situation of a friend who is in the process of breaking things off with her boyfriend after being contacted by two of his ex-wives. Not only did this man’s ex-wives contact my friend, but also her parents. Similar to Kharbouch, these women insisted that my friend reconsider her relationship with the guy because she’s more than likely being deceived. However, unlike Kharbouch, the women didn’t offer any particular reasons why they felt that way.
Receiving warning from anyone about a new guy you’re investing your time in or considering giving your heart to can be extremely startling—especially when it’s coming from his ex. But in the case of my friend for example, you also have to take into consideration the motive and the messenger. Is she still in love with him? Is she bitter or angry over how things ended and in pursuit of revenge? Or is she simply one woman looking to save another from unnecessary heartache? The unfortunate part is that many times you’ll never truly know until you give the relationship a chance. But in my opinion, if his ex comes knocking, you’d be crazy to not at least hear her out—even if you decide not to act on it.
What about you? Do you think it’s wise to at least listen to what your new guy’s ex has to say about him?
I’ve been in a relationship for almost 13 years and we have been married for five. My problem is that my husband is continuously inappropriately emailing his ex-girlfriends and starting conversations to catch up with them. This leads up to ‘I miss you’ and ‘how things would have been,’ type conversations, and sometimes he even tells them that he loves them. The first time was from 2010-2012, when he began an online relationship with one of his exes. They talked about their good old days and he stated that when he had his stroke a few years back no one was there for him. This is untrue; I was there every day in therapy and even had him released early from the rehab facility when he asked to come home. Throughout this time I was working two jobs to take care of our family because he lost his job, and he would constantly tells us that he hates us and refused to help around the house.
The second time this happened was earlier this year, when I walked passed the computer and saw an email saying ‘I miss you’ and I made him open it. He went on again to start a casual conversation, which again led up to him speaking of feelings for her and stating how he hates to use his ex-girlfriend when he discusses their status. I feel belittled by this, I have been the sole provider for our family of 10 for over a year now, and I feel unappreciated, we just started counseling again with our pastor and were asked what can be done to save our marriage, and I can’t think of one thing. I have tried to keep lines of communication open, but he never wants to talk to me. I feel alone in our marriage and I am ready to just be by myself. I am lost and do not know what to do?
We thought we knew what the answer to this would be, but Dr. Sherry’s response might surprise you. Are you buying her breakdown? Read more on Essence.