All Articles Tagged "exes"
In a perfect world, when a couple goes through a hard time and has to make a decision as to whether their relationship is worth continuing, they decide that it is. However, that’s not really what happens. The reality is people usually take breaks, they date other people, and focus solely on themselves for a bit, and it’s not until they “feel” like it that they get back together. I’ll tell you up front, both men and women do this. I’ve seen a guy wait around for over a year while a woman sorted her life (and loins) out.
As it pertains to men, after the breakup that reconciliation period or time away from the relationship is their time to “live.” When you break up you not only want to fix your relationship but yourself too. Relationships can be taxing on other parts of your life and that can lead to you dropping the ball on other things. For example, when you’re in a relationship you may have put that business plan or great book idea to the side to focus on your relationship. After the breakup you may want to reconcile, but first you think you’ll be much happier in that relationship if you are able to get your business up and running.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times when a guy knows that reconciliation is an option, but he spends a long time dilly dallying around with other women. He’s on a relationship vacation. This can be a good thing and it can be a bad thing. On one hand, you want a guy to get all that out of his system before getting back in a relationship. (That’s if it’s possible for him to get it out of his system.) On the other hand, you don’t want a guy who wants to have a bunch of fun with Lord knows who and then get back with you when he’s ready. This is why a relationship (and a breakup) has to be a mutually agreed upon thing and both people have to go into it that way.
There are a few ways to handle this situation if you’re the woman on the end of this breakup. For one, you are more than entitled to live your life and sow your royal oats too. Fair exchange is no robbery. He can’t get mad at you for dating other guys when he’s dating other girls and it may even inspire him to get himself together. You can also go back to him and give him an ultimatum. (Just don’t ever call it an ultimatum and be careful how you deliver this ultimatum because nobody likes ultimatums.) You can tell him that you want him to make a decision because you’re not going to leave the offer on the table indefinitely. That it’s more about you and your feelings than it is about forcing him to be with you when he will be unhappy. Between the two of these plans I would recommend that you do something in the middle.
I recommend that when you’re not together, you decide to just not be together. You don’t talk, you don’t communicate, when you’re ready to get back together you get back together. However, when you’re not you’re not. You can date other people, or you cannot date other people. Whatever you do, just don’t do it together. Don’t try and hangout with each other or be friends, that’s not possible and it will likely lead to a long break period. Do not sleep with one another because you need the sex and don’t want to have it with anyone else. This will result in feelings being exchanged that can complicate the situation even more. I guess what I’m recommending is that a breakup be a break up and a relationship be a relationship. Eliminate the middle ground and this will be less confusing.
Last week, media outlets were buzzing with rumors about what’s believed to be Hollywood’s latest odd couple, rapper French Montana and Khloe Kardashian. The duo were spotted out and about on several occasions, and it appears that they’re an item. There’s just one problem: Montana is still legally married to his estranged wife, Deen Kharbouch. Surprisingly, Kharbouch spoke out about the rumored couple in a telling new interview with Life & Style. In the interview, Kharbouch all but warned the rapper’s new love interest to run for the hills because she’s more than likely being set up to become Montana’s next victim.
“She has to be careful,” Deen warned. “Things are not what they seem.”
According to Kharbouch, Montana (born Karim Kharbouch) pretty much abandoned her and their 4-year-old son, Kruz, once he became famous.
“He and I worked together to put him where he is,” she explained. “As soon as he popped, it was as if Kruz and I didn’t exist. He practically abandoned us.”
“Sometimes we won’t hear from him for two or three months,” she added.
Montana, however, recounts the demise of their relationship a bit differently.
“Man, I couldn’t do it; that’s why we got separated,” Montana told TheBoomBox in 2012. “At first it was smooth, but then as much as people think that money changes you, it’s changing them around you. A person ain’t gonna treat you the same now that they think that you think you somebody. You around so many beautiful women, that’s a conflict too. It’s just about finding somebody that understand the game, what you’re into. You can’t expect to make all this money and not go through problems. You can’t expect God to give you everything you want without taking something away.”
Of course, there are three sides to every story and we’ll never truly know what went wrong between Montana and Kharbouch. However, after reading Kharbouch’s comments, I started wondering whether or not Kardashian would take heed to or even consider the estranged wife’s words. On one hand, the possibility that her perception of him is stained with bitterness and resentment is great. On the other hand, this is coming from a woman who has been married to this man for years and probably knows him extremely well. And then of course, there’s the possibility that these two people simply were not meant to be together.
Kharbouch’s interesting revelation and direct words of warning made me reflect on the current situation of a friend who is in the process of breaking things off with her boyfriend after being contacted by two of his ex-wives. Not only did this man’s ex-wives contact my friend, but also her parents. Similar to Kharbouch, these women insisted that my friend reconsider her relationship with the guy because she’s more than likely being deceived. However, unlike Kharbouch, the women didn’t offer any particular reasons why they felt that way.
Receiving warning from anyone about a new guy you’re investing your time in or considering giving your heart to can be extremely startling—especially when it’s coming from his ex. But in the case of my friend for example, you also have to take into consideration the motive and the messenger. Is she still in love with him? Is she bitter or angry over how things ended and in pursuit of revenge? Or is she simply one woman looking to save another from unnecessary heartache? The unfortunate part is that many times you’ll never truly know until you give the relationship a chance. But in my opinion, if his ex comes knocking, you’d be crazy to not at least hear her out—even if you decide not to act on it.
What about you? Do you think it’s wise to at least listen to what your new guy’s ex has to say about him?
I’ve been in a relationship for almost 13 years and we have been married for five. My problem is that my husband is continuously inappropriately emailing his ex-girlfriends and starting conversations to catch up with them. This leads up to ‘I miss you’ and ‘how things would have been,’ type conversations, and sometimes he even tells them that he loves them. The first time was from 2010-2012, when he began an online relationship with one of his exes. They talked about their good old days and he stated that when he had his stroke a few years back no one was there for him. This is untrue; I was there every day in therapy and even had him released early from the rehab facility when he asked to come home. Throughout this time I was working two jobs to take care of our family because he lost his job, and he would constantly tells us that he hates us and refused to help around the house.
The second time this happened was earlier this year, when I walked passed the computer and saw an email saying ‘I miss you’ and I made him open it. He went on again to start a casual conversation, which again led up to him speaking of feelings for her and stating how he hates to use his ex-girlfriend when he discusses their status. I feel belittled by this, I have been the sole provider for our family of 10 for over a year now, and I feel unappreciated, we just started counseling again with our pastor and were asked what can be done to save our marriage, and I can’t think of one thing. I have tried to keep lines of communication open, but he never wants to talk to me. I feel alone in our marriage and I am ready to just be by myself. I am lost and do not know what to do?
We thought we knew what the answer to this would be, but Dr. Sherry’s response might surprise you. Are you buying her breakdown? Read more on Essence.
To consider your failed relationships a waste of time is to be naïve. You wouldn’t be able to enjoy the better relationships you have today without those less-than-great boyfriends. Let’s say thanks to our exes, because—whether we enjoyed it or not—they taught us these 14 crucial points about relationships.
Dear Dr. Sherry,
Here’s my convoluted mess of a life: About three years ago I moved to a new city. Six months later, I began seeing a person I worked with during my internship experience. He was a good guy. When we started, I was adamant that everything be kept casual. He really wanted a relationship, but I did not want to have drama at my new work place. He respected my request. I told him that it would just be between us and when he tried to push things further, I quickly, and a little rudely, rebuffed him. He eventually began dating someone else. Since I was the one who decided not to take things further, I understood. He dated this woman for several months. I was eventually promoted and moved to another division of the company.
In October 2012, he began calling again and he told me that things were over between him and the other woman. He and I still work for the same company at different locations, but I am in a leadership position now. Even though I still had reservations about dating him, we began a physical relationship. He came over in November depressed but could not (or would not) explain what was wrong. In December, someone that still works with him told me that the other woman he dated revealed that she was pregnant. I know him. I know he wants to be a good father and make things work with anyone who has his child. I asked him if she was pregnant and he told me “no.”
Fast forward to last week and I see a photo of the girl and the baby, who looks just like him. I asked him again and he finally admitted that he was the father. He asked me to forgive him for lying, but I feel betrayed. I cannot handle this, so I told him that it was over after a year and a half of dating seriously. He asked me how long I thought I would be mad about this. Umm, forever! Then he said that she is here (meaning the baby) now and that we can’t be mad anymore. The baby is four months old.
I know he did not cheat on me but he damn sure lied about his child. He didn’t want me to end things again, but I do not feel I can trust him. I love him truly but this is some Maury mess and we are too old for this foolishness.
I went to the doctor recently and found out that my blood pressure has gone way up and I’m a month pregnant. He used condoms every time; I really don’t know how this happened. I have decided not to tell him. He is going to have to see her and what if things kick up for them again. I couldn’t take him leaving again. I’m tired of the stress. Is it best we cut ties and I raise this baby by myself? Am I being fair? Does he deserve fairness?
Oh, everyone in this scenario is over 30.
What would you do if the man you cared about lied about having a child? Check out Dr. Sherry’s advice over on ESSENCE.com.
Every failed relationship deserves a little reflection—it’s the only way we actually gain something from the men we don’t end up with. But when are you letting your past relationships make you smarter? And when are you just letting your ex rule your every present decision? Lets us help you out with that one.
Is It Time to Start Over?
A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece titled “10 Signs He Has What It Takes to Be Your Husband,” and from reading this post, one might think that if their guy doesn’t have those characteristics, he isn’t the right guy… period. But, I’m here to tell you that it’s a little more complicated than that. Allow me to explain. Keep reading, and I’ll help you identify 10 ways to recognize that he’s wrong for you.
Its All About Potential
If you like the potential of whom he could be, rather than the reality of who he is, he’s just not for you.
Read more from Essence.com.
Is Rihanna trolling us now on the internet streets now?
We know they’re friends (whether there are benefits involved or not remains anyone’s guess) and they hang out and all that good stuff but they keep telling the masses to stay out of their affairs. So if that’s the case, why did Rihanna need to send out a picture of a sleeping Chris Brown? I mean, he’s laid out, shirtless and has pants sagging on somebody’s bed. Chris is a notorious Bart Simpson fan so its pretty obvious that’s actually him in the picture.
Here’s the “funny” thing about being a celebrity: you beg and plead for people to leave you alone and can’t believe it when they actually do just that. Rihanna and Chris Brown have managed to bore people into oblivion and so to get us talking again, she shows us that they’re together. So sure, since we talk celebrities on here, we’ll do you that solid of giving you some shine but there’s not much more to see here.
We started leaving you two alone quite some time ago, Rihanna, so please leave us alone!
By the way, yes Chris’ ex Karrueche Tran saw the photo on Instagram and “liked” it. Oh to be young and ratchet…
As you all know from my first “Where Are They Now” articles, I was a fan of what I like to call “VH1′s Golden Age of Reality Television.” Not only did I watch (and own) all the seasons of Flavor of Love, I Love New York, For the Love of Ray J and I Love Money, I was also a fan of Rock of Love. But one of the things that always struck me as odd were the high number of strippers on the show; however, when confronted, they would say, “I’m a dancer.” Unlike my confusion of what an exotic dancer was when I was younger, I couldn’t understand why the women would insist on the word “dancer,” and get offended if someone called them a stripper. I mean, if you take your clothes off for money then you’re a stripper, right?
It wasn’t until a little while ago when my ex-husband called while he was around his family and I heard someone yell, “Who you talking to,” and he responded with “My baby mama.” I was so insulted! He came back to the phone, we finished the conversation (with some definite ice on my end) and then hung up. With the same look that Regina King had on Poetic Justice after Joe Torry punched her (mouth agape and slowly shaking her head from side to side), I grabbed my phone to call one of my best friends to tell her what happened. In the middle of hitting my speed dial, I stopped. I mean, what did he really do that was wrong? He didn’t openly disrespect me. He didn’t call me the slang version of a female dog. He just called me his “baby mama.” But why was I so offended by it?
I started thinking about how politically correct our society has gotten. In a restaurant, you’re not supposed to call the person who takes your order a waiter anymore, they’re your server. The people who help you to your seat on an airplane and tell you what to do in an emergency are no longer stewardesses, they’re flight attendants. When you call an office, the person who answers the phone and take messages are no longer secretaries, they’re administrative assistants. Why the change? Because the former titles had a slightly negative connotation to them. You see this happen all the time in society.
I started realizing that the reason why I was so taken aback is because the term “Baby Mama” (besides the fact that it is grammatically incorrect – it should be baby’s mama, but whatever) has such a negative connotation to me. My mind immediately went to those girls who have their baby on their hip, parking lot pimping at the local gas station during the day and collecting a child support check or a “crazy check”/disability check in lieu of working. Their babies are crying because they want to be home and the hair is sticking up on the toddlers’ heads while their mother continues to talk (with her luxurious new weave) to her girlfriends and check out the dudes who were also parking lot pimping in the middle of the day.
That phrase just seemed to remove all of the positive things I’ve done in my life. It doesn’t address the fact that we were actually married at one time, and I’m a working college graduate. Though descriptive in its basic form (yes, I am the mother to his child), it’s still offensive to me. Not wanting to create a fuss by telling him not to call me that anymore (because then that’ll be “Baby Mama Drama”), I just left it alone. But I will say this: instead of wondering, “what’s the big deal,” if someone is insistent on being called a title, I’ll abide now. Dancers, servers, administrative assistants, I feel you now. I really do.
You can call Kendra Koger a bunch of things, just do it on her twitter @kkoger.
First dates can be one of the most uncomfortable experiences for two conflicting reasons: 1) You don’t know each other well enough to be comfortable just being honest and 2) Even though that autonomy gives you the freedom to just climb out the bathroom window or say something rude if you’re not into him, your desire to be a decent human being stops you. So, if things aren’t going well, you become frozen.