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From Essence

Is It Time to Start Over?

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Is Rihanna trolling us now on the internet streets now?

We know they’re friends (whether there are benefits involved or not remains anyone’s guess) and they hang out and all that good stuff but they keep telling the masses to stay out of their affairs. So if that’s the case, why did Rihanna need to send out a picture of a sleeping Chris Brown? I mean, he’s laid out, shirtless and has pants sagging on somebody’s bed.  Chris is a notorious Bart Simpson fan so its pretty obvious that’s actually him in the picture.

Here’s the “funny” thing about being a celebrity: you beg and plead for people to leave you alone and can’t believe it when they actually do just that. Rihanna and Chris Brown have managed to bore people into oblivion and so to get us talking again, she shows us that they’re together. So sure, since we talk celebrities on here, we’ll do you that solid of giving you some shine but there’s not much more to see here.

We started leaving you two alone quite some time ago, Rihanna, so please leave us alone!

By the way, yes Chris’ ex Karrueche Tran saw the photo on Instagram and “liked” it. Oh to be young and ratchet…

As you all know from my first “Where Are They Now” articles, I was a fan of what I like to call “VH1′s Golden Age of Reality Television.”  Not only did I watch (and own) all the seasons of Flavor of Love, I Love New York, For the Love of Ray J and I Love Money, I was also a fan of Rock of Love.  But one of the things that always struck me as odd were the high number of strippers on the show; however, when confronted, they would say,  “I’m a dancer.”  Unlike my confusion of what an exotic dancer was when I was younger, I couldn’t understand why the women would insist on the word “dancer,” and get offended if someone called them a stripper.  I mean, if you take your clothes off for money then you’re a stripper, right?

It wasn’t until a little while ago when my ex-husband called while he was around his family and I heard someone yell,  “Who you talking to,”  and he responded with “My baby mama.” I was so insulted!  He came back to the phone, we finished the conversation (with some definite ice on my end) and then hung up.  With the same look that Regina King had on Poetic Justice after Joe Torry punched her (mouth agape and slowly shaking her head from side to side), I grabbed my phone to call one of my best friends to tell her what happened.  In the middle of hitting my speed dial, I stopped.  I mean, what did he really do that was wrong?  He didn’t openly disrespect me.  He didn’t call me the slang version of a female dog.  He just called me his “baby mama.”  But why was I so offended by it?

I started thinking about how politically correct our society has gotten.  In a restaurant, you’re not supposed to call the person who takes your order a waiter anymore, they’re your server.  The people who help you to your seat on an airplane and tell you what to do in an emergency are no longer stewardesses, they’re flight attendants.  When you call an office, the person who answers the phone and take messages are no longer secretaries, they’re administrative assistants.  Why the change?  Because the former titles had a slightly negative connotation to them.  You see this happen all the time in society.

I started realizing that the reason why I was so taken aback is because the term “Baby Mama” (besides the fact that it is grammatically incorrect – it should be baby’s mama, but whatever) has such a negative connotation to me.  My mind immediately went to those girls who have their baby on their hip, parking lot pimping at the local gas station during the day and collecting a child support check or a “crazy check”/disability check in lieu of working.  Their babies are crying because they want to be home and the hair is sticking up on the toddlers’ heads while their mother continues to talk (with her luxurious new weave) to her girlfriends and check out the dudes who were also parking lot pimping in the middle of the day.

That phrase just seemed to remove all of the positive things I’ve done in my life.  It doesn’t address the fact that we were actually married at one time, and I’m a working college graduate.  Though descriptive in its basic form (yes, I am the mother to his child), it’s still offensive to me.  Not wanting to create a fuss by telling him not to call me that anymore (because then that’ll be “Baby Mama Drama”), I just left it alone.  But I will say this: instead of wondering, “what’s the big deal,” if someone is insistent on being called a title, I’ll abide now.  Dancers, servers, administrative assistants, I feel you now. I really do.

You can call Kendra Koger a bunch of things, just do it on her twitter @kkoger.

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First dates can be one of the most uncomfortable experiences for two conflicting reasons: 1) You don’t know each other well enough to be comfortable just being honest and 2) Even though that autonomy gives you the freedom to just climb out the bathroom window or say something rude if you’re not into him, your desire to be a decent human being stops you. So, if things aren’t going well, you become frozen.

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Loyalty is a very impressive trait to have, especially for people who are surrounded by celebrities.  So many times it seems as though people who are too amped to get a taste of the limelight that they’ll sell a famous person down the river for fifteen minutes of infamy.  But what’s even more interesting is when celebrities are so loyal that they’ll sometimes put aside their fans’ adoration, their happiness, and to some extreme incidences their own freedom to be loyal to someone or something close to them.  Let’s examine these celebs:

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The Thirst Is Real.” Is it? Isn’t it? These days, “the thirst” has become a ubiquious term showing up everywhere from Frank Ocean’s tweets to ratchet reality shows. But what is the thirst? In our series “The Thirst Files,” we decide to share stories and essays that communicate one angle of the thirst whether it involves a woman who develops a sexual addiction or a married man who stalks for affection via the internet. Just so you know, we’re not taking ourselves too seriously here but wanted to take a more focused approach to understanding this thing called “The Thirst” lol. Enjoy this third installment and let us know what other angles of the thirst you’d like to see explored.

There was a time when what is totally acceptable in this day and age would  have gotten you 20 to life in a maximum security prison surrounded by water on all four sides. It’s shocking to me how these thirst-sponsored activities have become normalized. I say this with the sincerest of hearts: Facebook, and the Internet in general, has made us all crazy.

I’m not proud of this but I was born in a time many of you may not recall. Scientist refer to this period as “the 80′s.” The nonscientific community classifies me as an “80′s baby.” The 90s, right around when the Internet was coming of age, dominated my impressionable years. Yes, I am old enough to remember a time when the Internet did not exist. In Internet years, this makes me practically Jurassic, which means in the minds of many young people, the fact that I lived before the Internet is equitable to me walking the Earth at the same time as dinosaurs. Regardless, this impressively expansive coverage of chronological periods has given me some perspective.

Back in my day, if you spent 26 hours of a 24-hour day following your X around, this activity would be widely frowned upon. Actually, you would be labeled a “crazy person” by most observers and might even be arrested. This is no longer the case. Today, it is widely accepted – and in some cases even encouraged – for people to follow the every micro-movement of their current or past girlfriends/boyfriends. As best I can tell, Facebook’s entire platform is based on the premise that most people are inherently narcissistic, self-centered, and yes, crazy. These neurotic symptoms are matched only by their penchant to want to monitor the narcissistic, self-centered, and crazy habits of their peers.

Many social media sites survive on magnifying the worst of us. For example, before the Internet realized the horrors of this activity, many social media sites had a little thing called “visitors.” Visitor counters monitored who visited your site and how often. This allowed you to at least see that your X visited your page 39 times in the last 15 minutes. You’ll notice this feature has largely been removed. Thirst-like activities exploded exponentially, easily by 1,000%.

Now men and women are free to monitor whomever they choose for however long they choose. People can spend an entire workday angrily monitoring their X or stalking their favorite video vixen on Twitter, Instagram, or World Star Hip Hop. You know who you are, bro.

While scientists believe the fastest thing in the universe is the speed of light, they have obviously never witnessed the speed one moves when they are tagged in a photo that their current significant other would not approve. I’ve seen people leave office meetings to remove themselves from a less than flattering photo on Facebook. That should be the true measurement of speed. I assure you it is far more accurate and relatable. How far is the nearest galaxy?

“The nearest galaxy is 7 Tyrone’s tagged in his x-girlfiend’s birthday photos that he wasn’t supposed to be at in the first place because his new girl don’t trust that [female dog].”

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There’s a week, every year like clockwork, when all my exes convene in a parking lot garage and discuss our break ups; why they can no longer live with it and hatch a game plan to make me crazy. After this meeting happens they break apart only to begin their week long campaign of strange phone calls, text messaging and bizarre behavior. This campaign includes contacting my eldest sister to somehow get her to talk some sense into me. As persistent as this campaign is, it last only five to seven days; it’s my shark week, minus the sharks but with a few deranged exes.

I can’t prove that my exes are actually in a dingy parking lot making friends and sharing stories but the fact that their harassment campaigns, being three guys in particular, fall in and around the same time is a little too coincidental. This creepy coincidence has led me to believe that they’re combating my rejection with focused persistence (strength in numbers).

I wish this were a braggadocios article but it isn’t? It’s a general WTF?! Every time ex week comes around I’m thrown for a curve because it means more time has passed and they’re still meeting and plotting.

Recently, at a not so cool hour of the night, my phone buzzed. Groggy and half asleep, I took a look at the caller ID, assumed I was dreaming and ignored the phantom call. My caller ID was trying to tell me it was my ex from four years ago? FOUR. YEARS. AGO. We’re not on speaking terms – not to say that we hate each other but it’s one of those situations, where I’m cool with the non-friendship and he obviously isn’t. A few minutes after his call, I receive a call from my sister which immediately confirmed that the phantom call was real after all. My sister informed me that he needed five minutes. Like the hustle man of relationships he was trying to get his time. And because I know my mind can go in a whirlwind of not so healthy thoughts of what he wants now? -why do I care?- I figured what’s five minutes?

Had I remembered that this past Sunday, I received an urgent voicemail from another ex that I hadn’t spoken to in about two years I would not have granted this one a minute. But I did and as I suspected, the five minutes sounded like the results of parking lot plotting! The conversation didn’t last long and nothing of any relevance was said, except when he mentioned that he’d love an invite to “the wedding.” He  recently found out I was dating someone and I’m guessing since he’ s discovered this fact he’s been  sitting in the dark wondering how he can let me know, that he knows. Or maybe that wasn’t his intent at all. Maybe he does want an invite to the wedding. And maybe my ex that called on Sunday really has something urgent to discuss with me and when number three calls I’ll just pick up and listen to the crazy and ex week 2012 will have wrapped.

But how do I avoid ex week 2013? I’m tired of this.  I wish I could say that I’m this woman who cast a spell on men and leave them bewitched -that’s my sisters assumption- but  this voodoo I do only works when I’m done with these fellas.

I’m not quite sure why they keep coming back around. If I had to take a guess, I would guess that something in their current romantic situation has gone awry; it’s not working out with the current girl and she’s not as laid back as they remember me being.

Coming back to me, in the hopes that I would be open to their seduction is comforting because I’m the last happy place that these three men can remember. However the problem with this is that I’m nothing like the girl they remember and their seduction has nothing to do with me and more to do with themselves, which is why it didn’t work in the first place!

When I think of the time spent and the work I put into these relationships, only to have my absence be the thing that sparks deep affection? In the end it makes me feel like I could’ve saved myself a lot of grief, money and time if absence was all it took to realize what our relationships were worth it.

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A few years ago I found myself perusing a friend’s Facebook photo album when I noticed one of her attractive sorority sisters. I did what most men do, I asked my friend to arrange an introduction. I thought nothing of it at the time, but a simple question, “Why is she single?” turned into the inevitable end of my interest. My friend explained that she had been in an on-and-off again situation with a man for the last two years. She ended with, “Thank God!” Her response raised a flag with me, I asked a few more questions until she shot back at me, “He was just very controlling and jealous.”

My reply: “That’s okay, not interested.”

I knew it was wrong to pass judgment on dating her because she spent two years in a relationship with an emotionally abusive partner, but I knew I’d always keep going back to that past experience of hers. I wasn’t able to understand what would make a person endure that behavior for so long. I concluded that she needed time to grow before I could ever consider dating her.

Now that the secret is out, I’ll admit to women that men definitely take into consideration the past of our potential partners. At times, it’s a good thing to know that you’re in good company and at other times, a questionable ex could be a sign of character flaws that are easily hidden during the courting phase. Below, I categorize a woman’s past partners into five categories and the negative impact it can have on you as as a potential partner.

1. The Control Freak feels a need to always exert control over their significant others.  As I stated above, I have never been able to understand why someone would endure this behavior. Perhaps, they have a secret desire to be submissive or fear being placed in the position of a decision maker. Men don’t ask their women to be combative or argumentative. We just like to know that she has her own wants and desires and the backbone to be heard.

2. The Doormat allows himself to be placed in the submissive position of his significant other, always electing her needs while compromising all of his. When a man notices a woman has The Doormat in her relationship history he recognizes her almost immediately as, “High Maintenance.” It makes you question the character of the woman who takes advantage of the weak. It’s the epitome of “kicking them while they’re down.”

3. The Greeks called Adonis, the god of Beauty and Desire. From head to toe, Adonis makes her mouth water. Unfortunately, that’s pretty much all he brings to the table. Depending on how long you choose to stay with a man like Adonis, it can be an indicator of how many of your expectations you are willing to sacrifice for good looks. Men have been known to date airheads solely on the basis of looks. It’s never been good for them, it’s never going to be good for women either.

4. The Outlier is the man who resembles none of the men a woman dated in her past. The Outlier strikes everyone as odd, he’s the one her friends refer to as, “I don’t know what she was thinking with him.” However, The Outlier is almost always an act of desperation. Acts of desperation are strong indicators of a person’s propensity to quit when things get tough or seem impossible to accomplish. Men want women who identify goals and achieve them.

5. Men are taught to beware of the The One That Got Away. Chances are she’s still in love with him. All of these situations didn’t end in cheating or some huge blowout. Sometimes, it was just bad timing and looking back on it, she realizes she would have been better off if they had worked things out. Men fear The One That Got Away because he’ll likely be lingering around forever, causing us to wonder if he’ll ever reappear.

There is an outside chance that a woman’s ex does not fall into these categories. It makes men wonder why they still aren’t together anymore. If they don’t fall into these five categories, chances are they just weren’t compatible. That’s fair, I’ve always felt that it’s possible for two great people to meet, date, and later on realize that there is no emotional or romantic connection there. Those people typically part as friends, no harm, no foul. However, women must beware of the exes that reveal negative traits or flaws in their character. It’s an opportunity for growth and reflection, but unattended it’s a recipe for disaster in your next relationship.

Dr. J is a writer for the men’s blog Single Black Male. Dr. J’s inspiration and motivation for writing comes from a desire to provide real and honest advice to all. His approach is no nonsense and rarely sugarcoated.  Follow him on twitter @DrJayJack.

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Face it: there’s really no reason for you to be friends with your ex. Need a friend? Join one of those Meetup Groups online. Or, how about this: grab any random person off the street who you didn’t use to love/like/sleep with. I wouldn’t recommend it. But don’t get me wrong though, there are people out there who are mature enough to become close with their exes again, but in a way that doesn’t leave sexual tension brewing or resentment from past issues. It’s true that there are some instances when it’s not harmful to mix and mingle with your old man again, but there are times where trying to be close to your ex backfires, too. So that you don’t waste your time, his time, or possibly hurt your current partner, you should have a clear understanding of just what this ex lover is doing in your life.