All Articles Tagged "exes"

Hey Madame: Every Time My Boyfriend Messes Up I Want To Go Back To My Ex

August 27th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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Hey Madame,

In my previous relationship, I was madly and unconditionally in love with my boyfriend. We meant the world to each other but I felt he didn’t trust me. When I confronted him, he would say it’s because he is jealous. Despite all the issues we had, we were in love with each other and I never imagined us breaking up. But one day, one of my distant uncles discouraged me from dating my boyfriend because he apparently was not from a good home. This really hurt me but I took it to heart and decided to look at all the negatives and pulled out. I’m now in a different relationship but I’m still in love with my ex. Every time my current boyfriend fails it makes me think of my ex. I really love my ex but my current boyfriend is so good to. Should I go back to my ex despite what my uncle said or should I continue loving to my current boyfriend ?

Jazmine: You should truly get to the root of why you broke up with your ex-boyfriend. Was it solely based on the things that your uncle brought to your attention or was it that he did not trust you? Only after you get to the root of that will you be able to accurately assess whether or not you should go back to your ex-boyfriend. What will make things different this time around? Has he changed at all?

As for your current boyfriend, I believe that you have him in a very unfair position. For one, you’re constantly comparing him to your ex-boyfriend and honestly, you don’t seem to be very into him. If you’re willing to leave him for someone else, then you should probably ask yourself whether or not you actually love him in the first place.

I’m not sure how much time passed between your last relationship and your current, but perhaps you should spend some time alone so that you are able to truly sort things out and figure out what you want to do with a clear head.

Veronica: Your letter makes me think you’re imagining your past relationship to be better than what it really was. You said you loved your ex unconditionally but the trust issues, more than your uncle’s “he’s not from a good home” analysis, let you know it was time to bounce. Trust issues aren’t problems you can gloss over. Even if you love someone, not trusting that person–or him not trusting you– can doom your relationship. Which is exactly what happened to you before. You need to figure out if you’re really satisfied with your current boyfriend. Do you only think about your ex when your current man messes up? If you decide to leave your current guy, I wouldn’t suggest going back to your ex, simply because it might not be the fairy tale you imagined.

Lauren: It appears you do not trust your own instincts. Your uncle or whomever should not have the power to direct the course of your relationship — especially an uncle who you consider to be a distant relative. Also, your uncle does not know your significant other in the same capacity as you do. I think for the moment, it would be best for you not to go back to your ex. He doesn’t know how to trust a partner because he has jealousy issues. That factor will not produce a healthy relationship. As for your current boyfriend, I do not think it is fair to be with him if you do not love him and if you constantly compare him to your ex-boyfriend.

Victoria: The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. While you say your uncle played a big role in your decision to leave your ex, you’re an adult and you knew your ex better than anyone. Chances are you had your reasons for wanting to move on and did just that. But it does seem that you still have deep feelings for your ex. In my opinion before you try to rekindle an old flame, make sure you wouldn’t be walking back into the same situation that made you leave in the first place. And the jealousy sounds like it was a big problem for you guys. And if you do want to be with your ex, have respect enough for your new man to be honest with him about what you’re feeling  and leave before you try to get that old thing back. If he’s been good to you he deserves that much.

Brande: Don’t go back to your ex and seriously consider whether you want to be with your current partner. We all have a tendency to look back on past relationships with rose-tinted glasses and wonder “what if,” but when we do so, we’re usually omitting all the negative issues that caused the relationship to end. Jealousy is not a small issue to deal with. Something besides your uncle told you to leave your ex alone — your intuition — and it seems you were right to follow it. As for the current man, are you really happy with him or was he just a rebound after breaking up with your ex? Every time a man falters you shouldn’t want to throw in the towel and go back to someone else unless you truly feel unfulfilled. It may be a good time for you to spend some time alone figuring out what you really want.

 

You Mad? Stuff Ex-Boyfriends Say When It’s Finally Over

August 15th, 2014 - By Meg Butler
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The only thing worse than the breakup itself are the conversations you have after it. When things don’t end with a clean break, things get crazy quick. Lets all take a moment to laugh at the dumb stuff exes say when it’s finally over.

Image Source: Tumblr.com

Image Source: Tumblr.com

I Talked To Your Mother The Other Day

There is nothing like the relationship that just won’t end. Your relationship is over but he’s still talking to your mother and Facebooking your sister.

Straight From His Mouth: What Determines When He’ll Reconcile With His Ex?

April 21st, 2014 - By Dr. J
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Reconcile With His Ex

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In a perfect world, when a couple goes through a hard time and has to make a decision as to whether their relationship is worth continuing, they decide that it is. However, that’s not really what happens. The reality is people usually take breaks, they date other people, and focus solely on themselves for a bit, and it’s not until they “feel” like it that they get back together. I’ll tell you up front, both men and women do this. I’ve seen a guy wait around for over a year while a woman sorted her life (and loins) out.

As it pertains to men, after the breakup that reconciliation period or time away from the relationship is their time to “live.” When you break up you not only want to fix your relationship but yourself too. Relationships can be taxing on other parts of your life and that can lead to you dropping the ball on other things. For example, when you’re in a relationship you may have put that business plan or great book idea to the side to focus on your relationship. After the breakup you may want to reconcile, but first you think you’ll be much happier in that relationship if you are able to get your business up and running.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when a guy knows that reconciliation is an option, but he spends a long time dilly dallying around with other women. He’s on a relationship vacation. This can be a good thing and it can be a bad thing. On one hand, you want a guy to get all that out of his system before getting back in a relationship. (That’s if it’s possible for him to get it out of his system.) On the other hand, you don’t want a guy who wants to have a bunch of fun with Lord knows who and then get back with you when he’s ready. This is why a relationship (and a breakup) has to be a mutually agreed upon thing and both people have to go into it that way.

There are a few ways to handle this situation if you’re the woman on the end of this breakup. For one, you are more than entitled to live your life and sow your royal oats too. Fair exchange is no robbery. He can’t get mad at you for dating other guys when he’s dating other girls and it may even inspire him to get himself together. You can also go back to him and give him an ultimatum. (Just don’t ever call it an ultimatum and be careful how you deliver this ultimatum because nobody likes ultimatums.) You can tell him that you want him to make a decision because you’re not going to leave the offer on the table indefinitely. That it’s more about you and your feelings than it is about forcing him to be with you when he will be unhappy. Between the two of these plans I would recommend that you do something in the middle.

I recommend that when you’re not together, you decide to just not be together. You don’t talk, you don’t communicate, when you’re ready to get back together you get back together. However, when you’re not you’re not. You can date other people, or you cannot date other people. Whatever you do, just don’t do it together. Don’t try and hangout with each other or be friends, that’s not possible and it will likely lead to a long break period. Do not sleep with one another because you need the sex and don’t want to have it with anyone else. This will result in feelings being exchanged that can complicate the situation even more. I guess what I’m recommending is that a breakup be a break up and a relationship be a relationship. Eliminate the middle ground and this will be less confusing.

Is It Wise To Listen To What Your New Man’s Ex Has To Say About Him?

April 17th, 2014 - By Jazmine Denise Rogers
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If she's volunteering information, is it wise to listen to what you new man's ex has to say about him?

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Last week, media outlets were buzzing with rumors about what’s believed to be Hollywood’s latest odd couple, rapper French Montana and Khloe Kardashian. The duo were spotted out and about on several occasions, and it appears that they’re an item. There’s just one problem: Montana is still legally married to his estranged wife, Deen Kharbouch. Surprisingly, Kharbouch spoke out about the rumored couple in a telling new interview with Life & Style. In the interview, Kharbouch all but warned the rapper’s new love interest to run for the hills because she’s more than likely being set up to become Montana’s next victim.

“She has to be careful,” Deen warned. “Things are not what they seem.”

According to Kharbouch, Montana (born Karim Kharbouch) pretty much abandoned her and their 4-year-old son, Kruz, once he became famous.

“He and I worked together to put him where he is,” she explained. “As soon as he popped, it was as if Kruz and I didn’t exist. He practically abandoned us.”

“Sometimes we won’t hear from him for two or three months,” she added.

Montana, however, recounts the demise of their relationship a bit differently.

“Man, I couldn’t do it; that’s why we got separated,” Montana told TheBoomBox in 2012. “At first it was smooth, but then as much as people think that money changes you, it’s changing them around you. A person ain’t gonna treat you the same now that they think that you think you somebody. You around so many beautiful women, that’s a conflict too. It’s just about finding somebody that understand the game, what you’re into. You can’t expect to make all this money and not go through problems. You can’t expect God to give you everything you want without taking something away.”

Of course, there are three sides to every story and we’ll never truly know what went wrong between Montana and Kharbouch. However, after reading Kharbouch’s comments, I started wondering whether or not Kardashian would take heed to or even consider the estranged wife’s words. On one hand, the possibility that her perception of him is stained with bitterness and resentment is great. On the other hand, this is coming from a woman who has been married to this man for years and probably knows him extremely well. And then of course, there’s the possibility that these two people simply were not meant to be together.

Kharbouch’s interesting revelation and direct words of warning made me reflect on the current situation of a friend who is in the process of breaking things off with her boyfriend after being contacted by two of his ex-wives. Not only did this man’s ex-wives contact my friend, but also her parents. Similar to Kharbouch, these women insisted that my friend reconsider her relationship with the guy because she’s more than likely being deceived. However, unlike Kharbouch, the women didn’t offer any particular reasons why they felt that way.

Receiving warning from anyone about a new guy you’re investing your time in or considering giving your heart to can be extremely startling—especially when it’s coming from his ex. But in the case of my friend for example, you also have to take into consideration the motive and the messenger. Is she still in love with him? Is she bitter or angry over how things ended and in pursuit of revenge? Or is she simply one woman looking to save another from unnecessary heartache? The unfortunate part is that many times you’ll never truly know until you give the relationship a chance. But in my opinion, if his ex comes knocking, you’d be crazy to not at least hear her out—even if you decide not to act on it.

What about you? Do you think it’s wise to at least listen to what your new guy’s ex has to say about him?

“My Husband Talks Badly About Me To His Exes”

February 23rd, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From Essence

Dr. Sherry,

I’ve been in a relationship for almost 13 years and we have been married for five. My problem is that my husband is continuously inappropriately emailing his ex-girlfriends and starting conversations to catch up with them. This leads up to ‘I miss you’ and ‘how things would have been,’ type conversations, and sometimes he even tells them that he loves them. The first time was from 2010-2012, when he began an online relationship with one of his exes. They talked about their good old days and he stated that when he had his stroke a few years back no one was there for him. This is untrue; I was there every day in therapy and even had him released early from the rehab facility when he asked to come home. Throughout this time I was working two jobs to take care of our family because he lost his job, and he would constantly tells us that he hates us and refused to help around the house.

The second time this happened was earlier this year, when I walked passed the computer and saw an email saying ‘I miss you’ and I made him open it. He went on again to start a casual conversation, which again led up to him speaking of feelings for her and stating how he hates to use his ex-girlfriend when he discusses their status. I feel belittled by this, I have been the sole provider for our family of 10 for over a year now, and I feel unappreciated, we just started counseling again with our pastor and were asked what can be done to save our marriage, and I can’t think of one thing. I have tried to keep lines of communication open, but he never wants to talk to me. I feel alone in our marriage and I am ready to just be by myself. I am lost and do not know what to do?

Help,

Anonymous

We thought we knew what the answer to this would be, but Dr. Sherry’s response might surprise you.  Are you buying her breakdown? Read more on Essence.

What Dating The Wrong Men Teaches Us About Relationships

January 22nd, 2014 - By Julia Austin
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Dating The Wrong Men Teaches Us

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To consider your failed relationships a waste of time is to be naïve. You wouldn’t be able to enjoy the better relationships you have today without those less-than-great boyfriends. Let’s say thanks to our exes, because—whether we enjoyed it or not—they taught us these 14 crucial points about relationships.

 

 

 

Should This Woman Get Back With Her Man After He Lied About Having A Child?

January 18th, 2014 - By Madame Noire
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From ESSENCE

Dear Dr. Sherry,

Here’s my convoluted mess of a life: About three years ago I moved to a new city. Six months later, I began seeing a person I worked with during my internship experience. He was a good guy. When we started, I was adamant that everything be kept casual. He really wanted a relationship, but I did not want to have drama at my new work place. He respected my request.  I told him that it would just be between us and when he tried to push things further, I quickly, and a little rudely, rebuffed him.  He eventually began dating someone else. Since I was the one who decided not to take things further, I understood.  He dated this woman for several months. I was eventually promoted and moved to another division of the company.

In October 2012, he began calling again and he told me that things were over between him and the other woman. He and I still work for the same company at different locations, but I am in a leadership position now. Even though I still had reservations about dating him, we began a physical relationship. He came over in November depressed but could not (or would not) explain what was wrong.  In December, someone that still works with him told me that the other woman he dated revealed that she was pregnant.  I know him. I know he wants to be a good father and make things work with anyone who has his child. I asked him if she was pregnant and he told me “no.”

Fast forward to last week and I see a photo of the girl and the baby, who looks just like him. I asked him again and he finally admitted that he was the father. He asked me to forgive him for lying, but I feel betrayed.  I cannot handle this, so I told him that it was over after a year and a half of dating seriously. He asked me how long I thought I would be mad about this. Umm, forever!  Then he said that she is here (meaning the baby) now and that we can’t be mad anymore. The baby is four months old.

I know he did not cheat on me but he damn sure lied about his child. He didn’t want me to end things again, but I do not feel I can trust him. I love him truly but this is some Maury mess and we are too old for this foolishness.

I went to the doctor recently and found out that my blood pressure has gone way up and I’m a month pregnant.  He used condoms every time; I really don’t know how this happened.  I have decided not to tell him.  He is going to have to see her and what if things kick up for them again.  I couldn’t take him leaving again. I’m tired of the stress.  Is it best we cut ties and I raise this baby by myself? Am I being fair? Does he deserve fairness?

Oh, everyone in this scenario is over 30.

What would you do if the man you cared about lied about having a child?  Check out Dr. Sherry’s advice over on ESSENCE.com.

Signs You’re Letting Your Ex Control Your New Relationship

July 30th, 2013 - By Julia Austin
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Every failed relationship deserves a little reflection—it’s the only way we actually gain something from the men we don’t end up with. But when are you letting your past relationships make you smarter? And when are you just letting your ex rule your every present decision? Lets us help you out with that one.

Is It Time To Leave Your Man And Move On To The Next? Here’s 10 Tips To Decide

April 16th, 2013 - By MN Editor
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Credit: Shutterstock

Credit: Shutterstock

From Essence

Is It Time to Start Over?

A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece titled “10 Signs He Has What It Takes to Be Your Husband,” and from reading this post, one might think that if their guy doesn’t have those characteristics, he isn’t the right guy… period. But, I’m here to tell you that it’s a little more complicated than that. Allow me to explain. Keep reading, and I’ll help you identify 10 ways to recognize that he’s wrong for you.

 

Its All About Potential

If you like the potential of whom he could be, rather than the reality of who he is, he’s just not for you.

Read more from Essence.com.

We Thought It Was Nobody’s Business! Rihanna Instagrams Picture Of Sleeping Chris Brown

November 25th, 2012 - By Drenna Armstrong
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"RihCB"

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Is Rihanna trolling us now on the internet streets now?

We know they’re friends (whether there are benefits involved or not remains anyone’s guess) and they hang out and all that good stuff but they keep telling the masses to stay out of their affairs. So if that’s the case, why did Rihanna need to send out a picture of a sleeping Chris Brown? I mean, he’s laid out, shirtless and has pants sagging on somebody’s bed.  Chris is a notorious Bart Simpson fan so its pretty obvious that’s actually him in the picture.

Here’s the “funny” thing about being a celebrity: you beg and plead for people to leave you alone and can’t believe it when they actually do just that. Rihanna and Chris Brown have managed to bore people into oblivion and so to get us talking again, she shows us that they’re together. So sure, since we talk celebrities on here, we’ll do you that solid of giving you some shine but there’s not much more to see here.

We started leaving you two alone quite some time ago, Rihanna, so please leave us alone!

By the way, yes Chris’ ex Karrueche Tran saw the photo on Instagram and “liked” it. Oh to be young and ratchet…