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By Jess Gray

When you’re your own boss and your paycheck depends on you getting the work done, you literally cannot afford to put things off. Unfortunately, many of us like to (or constantly exhibit behavior that would suggest we like to) work under pressure. We play and diddle-daddle with deadlines and “later” is something that doesn’t seem to come until right before “too late.” Well, for my chronic procrastinators, here are some tips for getting down to business and wrapping up that task sooner than later.

 “It’s all just too much!”
Sometimes when I look at a task all at once, I feel overwhelmed. The big picture can be a lot to take in. Break your task down into smaller steps and attack them one at a time. Set small goals and tackle them one at a time.

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Why do men do the things they do? As women, this is a question we will likely never understand. Why don’t men ever call, why is it so hard for them to make commitments? These things fly way above our heads when it comes to the male species, and like the rest of the things on this list, I don’t think we’ll ever figure the answers out.

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Relationships are built and based on a number of things. Some relationships are built on love, some on sex, others on trust and others on finances. However, most relationships that last are built and based primarily on communication and trust. So what happens when the person we are involved with, the one we trust and love, betrays us? More importantly, how do we miss the signs of betrayal, both obvious and not? Why do we fall for the things we fall for in relationships? The answer is simple…we fall for the things we fall for in relationships because we innocently hear the words our loved ones say to us, we imbed those words in our minds and bury them in our hearts…why? Because we trust them. Why do we trust them? Because we believe they have our best intentions in mind as well as the relationship. Not only do we innocently hear the words they say, but we glance over some of their actions that we agree and disagree with, causing us to miss obvious signs of infidelity or betrayal. Why do we do this? Because we want our relationships to work no matter what the cost. Now don’t get me wrong, there are many people who don’t miss the obvious signs of their relationship going downhill, but there are also those people who see the signs, but refuse to acknowledge them for the sake of having a relationship.

Refusing to acknowledge obvious signs of a failing relationship is detrimental to one’s mental stability and overall health; but sometimes you can miss those signs by trusting solely in that person and not relying on instincts.  How do you avoid missing the signs of infidelity, or better yet, how can you avoid falling for/believing everything your mate says? Do the following:

1. Listen to what your mate says, don’t just hear them. This may seem redundant, but what most people fail to realize is that there is a difference between hearing and listening. When you hear what someone is saying you are receiving the information given, or becoming aware of something, meaning you’re just taking what they say with a grain of salt; however, when you listen to someone you are paying attention to what they are saying, you understand it for what it is, and you can take the information you received and go forward with it.
2. Observe their actions. Observing your mate’s actions will help you recognize how they have changed and how the dynamics of the relationship have changed as well. For example, if your mate suddenly stops spending a certain amount of time with you that you’ve become accustomed to without just cause, this may be a red flag that you shouldn’t ignore. If they change the way they dress, or pay particularly close attention to their appearance, more than before, you may want to start asking questions. Am I saying you should be Inspector Gadget? No, but I am saying that you should observe your mate’s change in actions within the relationship.
3. Trust your mate, but trust your instincts more. If you are in a relationship with someone, there is obviously some level of trust there, which is great. But if your instincts indicate some red flags with your mate, trust them. Am I am saying that you should be overly paranoid? No, but what I am saying is that if you’ve noticed some strange changes with your mate and your internal intelligence tells you to ask questions, or listen and observe a bit closer than usual… do so.
4. When the obvious is blatantly obvious, take it for what it is. When your mate has obviously cheated on you, admits it and is even apologetic for it, walk away from the obvious cheater and the relationship because he may step out on you again. While I do believe in second chances, I don’t believe in being an obvious fool.
5. Don’t make excuses for them. This step is huge! People often miss signs of infidelity or fall for lies because they make excuses for their mates. They notice the change in their mate and the relationship as a whole but make excuses like “he’s just tired…” “She has to work late…” “I feel neglected, but it’s okay, I know he loves me…” and so on and so on. Why do we do this? We do this because we don’t want to face the reality of the situation, and we are trying to spare our hearts from breaking without realizing we are walking directly into heartbreak by not using our common sense and listening to our instincts.

Trusting someone is not easy, and when we find someone we want to be involved with we put our trust in them; and by doing so we have the tendency to be vulnerable, let our guards waaaay down and often fail to see the obvious. It happens very easily, and sometimes it can be avoided, others times it can’t. Trust your instincts, stay true to yourself, listen, look and learn.

What have you fallen for in relationships? Have you missed obvious signs of infidelity?

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

Photo by: Johnny Louis/wenn

No one who was raised by humans was brought up by perfect parents. But the spectrum of what “not perfect” is varies greatly from household to household. Not perfect could mean a mother and a father who simply made a few expected mistakes here and there, or individuals who worked all the time and were never there for the moments and lessons that counted. It could characterize parents who were never supportive or showed affection or others who may have been verbally, physically, or even sexually abusive. The increase in severity among these examples isn’t difficult to see, but whether you simply didn’t get enough time with your parents or received too much inappropriate attention from them, these experiences influence who we become, for better or worse. The question is, how long are you allowed to blame your upbringing for the poor choices you’ve yet to take responsibility for as an adult?

I’ve thought about this idea off-and-on for a while but never came to a conclusive answer, mostly due to the fact that although anyone over the age of 18 can rightfully call themselves a grown up, it doesn’t mean that they have in fact grown up and dealt with certain aspects of their rearing. This topic once again popped in my mind last night and the night before while watching Evelyn Lozada’s special on Iyanla Vanzant’s (incredible) new show, “Fix My Life,” as virtually every poor decision we’ve seen Ev make on “Basketball Wives,” and many before, was traced back to her relationship with her parents. Evelyn’s atrocious temper and violent ways with women were found to be rooted in the way she watched her own mother handle conflict, and her acceptance of Chad, and other men’s, cheating was said to be a direct result of her father not being in her life, and by extension, a generational curse evidenced by the fact that Evelyn’s father cheated on her mother while she was pregnant with her. Though I’ve never been a fan of the cliché way in which every decision one makes in adulthood is whittled down to an experience from their childhood, after watching these back-to-back specials, I’ve come to see Iyanla is the absolute truth (I’d add the way and the life if it weren’t blasphemous), so I’d never try to discredit her psychological expertise as a life coach. Still, I can’t help but feel like these childhood connections come to be used as a crutch for people who simply have not acknowledged the err of their own ways.

The thing is, you know when you’re doing something wrong — or at least something that is yielding unpleasant results in your life — even if you don’t know why. Just using the details of Evelyn’s life she exposed last night as a springboard, when you wind up pregnant at 16 by a boy who was cheating on you, I would think a little light bulb would go off in your head that would make you say, “I don’t want to experience hurt like this again. An easy way to prevent a repeat situation would be not to jump into bed with men who don’t value me.” Trust me, I know this is easier said than done. But there’s a huge difference in not knowing better so you can’t do better and knowing that what you’re doing is wrong, but not having the willpower to take another course of action. In my view, Evelyn, at 36 years old, is a part of the latter group, but was behaving as though she was a part of the former.

It was interesting how many of the people I follow on Twitter seemed be on the same wave-length as they bluntly remarked that they were abandoned by their fathers and still didn’t turn out to be promiscuous “thugs among women.” Though I wanted to digitally high-five these tweeters, I’m also aware of the fact that these types of circumstances manifest themselves in different ways. So while one woman may seek out affection from as many men as possible, another may become completely reclusive from all men. Neither is healthy, but both, in my humble opinion, are conscious choices — albeit one possibly more detrimental than the other. As I muddled these thoughts over in my mind, almost on cue a friend of mine texted me that she’d heard just about enough of Evelyn’s “my parent’s failed me” wallowing. As a product of a mother who had a drug problem and an abusive alcoholic father, it was hard to give Evelyn a pass for her antics when she is a dissertation away from having her PhD. And as my own father and his guilt-laden disappearing acts came to mind, I thought, neither my friend nor I have particularly explored the residual effects of our upbringings at any great length, yet we’ve managed to develop into productive, well-functioning women with healthy interpersonal relationships. We aren’t anomalies or exceptionally intelligent, we simply made a choice to be and do better than what we saw, with limited resources.

At some point, every adult will have the aha! moment that they are emulating behavior they witnessed as a child or acting out in response to the way they were treated when they were younger. Some, lightheartedly, call this turning into their mother (or father), others recognize the danger signs and immediately change their course of action, and the remainder use their upbringing as an excuse to continue down the path of destruction once they make the connection between their choices and how they were raised. The third mentality serves no purpose but to give yourself permission to repeat the cycle as if you have no choice but to do otherwise when the hard truth is that we all have choices, nature and nurture withstanding. We don’t all enter this world on equal footing, but rest assured those who sincerely want to do better for their own wellbeing and the sake of those around them will find a way. You can only blame your parents for the mistakes you fail to correct for so long.

When do you think one’s upbringing is a legitimate explanation for their behavior versus an excuse not to take responsibility for their actions?

Brande Victorian is the news and operations editor for madamenoire.com. Follow her on twitter @Be_Vic.

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A few years ago I wrote an article similar to this topic addressing the way to often excuses we women make for almost everything in our lives. Just think for one second on the amount of times you have said the word “but”. I bet it’s more than you would like to admit right? Well the good news is you are not alone, but the bad news is just like the other “but” it just gets bigger.

How many times do you say or hear, “I would date him but….”, “I want to go back to school but…”, “I need to leave him but….”? I can go on and on with a list of common “buts” so I will stop here for now.  Plus I would much rather get right to the point on the reasons why we make so many excuses. It’s easy to want and aspire for something instead of executing it into reality. Why? Because execution takes sacrifice, fearlessness, and a plan. Many of us want change but we don’t want to do the work that it takes to make that change. As a result we pacify ourselves with reasons that we believe hold us back. The truth is those so called reasons or “buts” are just buffers and blockers created by us to prolong what we fear most – change.

The thought of something different and new can sometimes paralyze us. Whether it’s a new environment, a new relationship or a new life, the essence of change can be frightening for some. Coming out of your comfort zone can be uncomfortable at first, but being uncomfortable is not always a bad thing ladies. It means you are growing and living at your full potential.

Woman to Woman always remember feeling fear is normal, but living in fear is not. How big is your “but”?

Want to talk to me Woman to Woman or have a topic you would like addressed? Email me at rhooks@madamenoire.com or follow me on twitter @rashanahooks

Every day, women are plagued with thoughts of uncertainty with regard to their partner’s fidelity. Even the most secure women have times of vulnerability. We’re taught to trust our instincts but that lesson is challenged by forced logic, as we control our natural impulses in an effort to save face. No one wants to deal with being cheated on, but if the signs are there, maybe it’s time we wake up and smell the coffee. Don’t ignore these small but pretty clear signs.