Sometimes, after you break things off with your ex, you never see them again… not in the back aisles of bodegas, nor at the concerts of mutually-enjoyed musicians. Depending on how your relationship ended, you’re lucky enough not to see their mug again. Then, there are other exes, those who are always around. They are visible, they make frequent appearances, they know your schedule, they ‘like’ everything on your Facebook wall and Instagram, and/or they still talk to all of your friends. Despite the fact that you two are no longer an item, your ex has failed to get the memo that you both need to move on.

Once, I had an ex who called me every day for the next six months after our short relationship ended, even when he’d moved on to another relationship. I had another ex who would tattle to a mutual friend anytime he saw me hanging out with other guys, claiming that I was being “out of control.” Some exes don’t know how to mind their own business, and some of them need to find business of their own. We’ve all had to deal with a person like this at least once.

Some people are unable to step away from their fallen relationships. Geared by certain motivations, they decide to hang around for a number of reasons, including: personal history, lingering attraction, persisting emotion, fear, or not feeling a sense of closure.  And, sometimes, people hang around just so they can stay in your system, and remain relevant. While they don’t necessarily want to be with you, they can’t resist an urge to check on you, access you, and/or make sure that your happiness doesn’t exceed theirs. Their actions not being based on wanting you back, missing you, or caring deeply for you, they often behave this way because it’s simply a matter of them not wanting anyone else to be with you. They suddenly see your value once others are appraising you, and that somehow provokes some insane sense of entitlement in them that compels the person to infringe on your time, make off-hand comments, or to be all-around haters.

Even if your ex has your best intentions in mind, (i.e. calling to check on how you’re doing, being emotionally available) it’s important to gain some sort of distance post breakup, otherwise it produces confusion, and the situation becomes murky. Very solid lines that were been drawn when you two broke up can suddenly become blurred, and the thought of “Why did we break up in the first place?” surfaces. It’s easy to stumble back into a relationship, especially when your ex is a concerned and helpful person. This isn’t to say that you and your ex can’t ever be friends or that you and your ex can’t give it a second go, but it’s important to gain that initial distance for a few reasons.

Number one: if you’re not careful, you might end up bedding him simply because feelings were amidst, and you were feeling sentimental and vulnerable. Number two: you don’t want to use your ex, which can be the can be the case with kind overly-attached exes. As flattering as it is that your ex will still travel several miles out of his way to pick up your dry cleaning, you don’t want to take advantage of that kindness, especially if those kind things are are only being done in order to lure you back into a relationship. Number three: if you decide that the two of you should get back together, remembering why you broke up is really important, and a few nice gestures won’t cure ongoing issues. Make sure you take the proper amount of time to digest your break-up before making the decision to get back with that person.

No longer being with your ex grants you the permission to do whatever you need/want to do, despite the fact that a nosy ex can be a naysayer. Try to vocalize your position to your ex if you’re feeling overwhelmed by them, and try to inform them that while their opinions were once held with the greatest esteem, it’s time for them to take a step way back. Like way back and out of the picture.

Source: Shutterstock

Relationships tend to be complicated. There are gives and takes, ups and downs, and of course the rocking of backs and forths. Eventually a couple will hit the wall and decide for a myriad of reasons the relationship needs to end. This will either happen amicably or one person will make their exit while the other insists it can be worked out. Both parties go through the grieving period and they slowly try to piece their lives back together.

A woman will find that she’s no longer missing “him,” she no longer looks at her phone hoping he calls, and she can finally get used to the lack of warmth on the other side of the bed. And just when it seems like she’s turned the corner, the ex-boyfriend shows up wanting to reconcile and try again.

The question going through her head is, of course, why? And here are four reasons why a man would come back to a woman after a break-up. (It should be noted these things are heavily dependent on the what led to the break-up in the first place and they should not be taken as a “one size fits all” option.)

1. He still loves you. The simplest and most self-explanatory of all the options presented. We’ve all been in relationships where even though the relationship was broken, it didn’t mean the emotions were severed as well. Sometimes relationships get convoluted and two people will lose themselves in the day-to-day activities. Couples can get so caught up in all of the “goings-ons” of life that they forget why they’re together in the first place. Unfortunately, one of the things that will get overlooked is the love between both people.

Maybe the break-up came after a heated argument or there was simply a lack of communication. Maybe a man just had too much going on at the time and felt like being in a relationship was overwhelming. Whatever the case, love is something we’ve relied on to explain situations we otherwise have no explanation for. When men fall in love, they fall hard and for some men, just walking away from that love without giving it a last ditch effort isn’t enough.

2. He’s grown up a bit and wants a chance to rekindle that old flame. Love can be inconvenient. A man might be in a stage of life where he’s trying to establish himself and working on the foundation to build his future. And in the midst of all that he may end up finding love before he’s attained those goals. From my observation women, generally, tend to believe that love can happen at anytime and are more apt to go with the flow rather than put it off until later.

A lot of men, on the other hand, try to get into the groove of identifying who they are professionally before they decide to take on the personal. We tend to be cognizant of missed opportunities and situations which would have played out much differently had they happened a bit later in our development. A man will occasionally reach out to one of the people in his past because he feels as if he’s in a better place to accept and nurture that love.

Source: Shutterstock

From Essence

When I was younger, I used to hate when the grown folks would reminisce about the “good ole’ days.” Now that I’m older, I catch myself doing the same far more often than I would like to admit. It’s natural to have fond memories of times gone by, except when it comes to past dysfunctional relationships.

Recently, one of my sister-friends asked to stop by my house unexpectedly. I could tell from the tone in her voice that she needed to talk. Upon her arrival, she told me that she’d just picked up the last of her belongings from her old home where her ex-boyfriend still lives. She was feeling a sense of melancholy and missing the relationship, which is understandable after a final act like that one.

“Reminisce from a distance,” I cautioned. True, she’s been single for about two years. (Yes, it took her two years to get the rest of her stuff). And, it is so easy to get caught up in what was when you’re single.  Believe me, I have done the same thing.  But, what you can’t do is romanticize a situation that was a bad one in reality a bad one. There was a reason why you broke up and you should always keep that in mind when your spirit starts floating backward in time.

Read more on Essence.com.

From Yourtango.com

By Crystal Andrus

The easiest way to relive guilt associated with infidelity is to tell the person you betrayed that you cheated. However, according to a poll of over 100 YourTango Experts, when someone in a relationship has been unfaithful, it isn’t always best for him/her to tell his/her partner. So, what’s a person supposed to do to feel better about her unfaithful past? And is she destined to repeat her mistakes — or worse — in the future?

In this video, dating coach, author and YourTango Expert Crystal Andrus answers the following viewer question: I’ve never been honest with my ex-husband about an affair I had during our marriage, and I’m worried that my ability to keep secrets is a sign that I can’t be truly intimate with another person. Am I doomed to repeat this in another relationship?

See what Crystal Andrus has to say about telling an ex you cheated on YourTango.com.

*Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com.

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Three years ago when I ended my five-year relationship–the longest in my life–I knew it was over. Or so I thought. It took me a year and some months to really end it. I doubled back a couple of times, the relationship walk of shame I like to call it. I went back because it was hard adjusting to single life. I went back because the nights would get especially lonely every once in awhile, but every time I found myself back with my ex, I knew I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. But for a time, I couldn’t stop.

The other day I was scanning a celebrity break up list and noticed a good number of the people on the list had or were already reunited with their exes. Eva Longoria and her young boo, Kobe and Vanessa (I’m confused too), Nicole Scherzinger and Lewis Hamilton; Their reunions beat the speed of a celebrity blog post, which is no easy feat. This made me wonder, does anyone end a long-term relationship and leave it alone cold turkey?

A few weeks ago a close girlfriend shamefully admitted that she’d hooked back up with her scumbag ex. It was like watching a drug addict in the midst of a relapse; she rocked backed and forth, drew out the time before she could tell us–her circle of close friends–what transgression had transpired. After she’d confessed that she backpedaled, she continuously expressed how guilty she felt: “I can’t believe I did it. It won’t happen again…” I was upset with her, and a part of me wanted to shake her to remind her that this man cheated on her, numerous times. I wanted to remind her of his controlling ways and all the ”side chicks” that were blowing up her spot while they were together, but she didn’t need my reminder.  She knew her ex was no good, and she hadn’t forgotten all the wrong he’d done.  She didn’t want him back, or so she’d expressed to us all, and I believed her. I knew what she was doing. I’ve been there, yet it didn’t stop me from shaking my head at her step back.

As we consoled and scolded her, one by one we slowly but surely admitted that we’d been there, a couple of times in some instances. The room quieted down, and I can only imagine that everyone in the room was reliving their shame all over again. I know I was. Then it dawned on me, “Why should I be ashamed?”

The relationship walk of shame isn’t new to anyone. I’m pretty sure I’m not dropping a piece of knowledge on you that you’ve been longing for. Why is it so hard to accept it? Why are we so hard on our friends  and even on ourselves when they’ve gone back to a less-than-worthy ex for a brief moment? Are there people out there who say bye and never look back?

I’m sure someone will have a story about a relationship or person they knew that walked away and never looked back. However, I suspect if I actually spoke to this person, really grilled them, they’d have a rocking back and forth confession moment too.  In all fairness, I’m sure there are relationships out there that end, period. But in my life, all those relationships seem to have happened on television. My mom has done the walk, my siblings have done the walk, countless friends, and of course, myself.

Maybe the walk of shame has to happen for some. Sometimes the walk leads to reconciliation, which is all good if that’s what you want, but many times the shame walk can be helpful in doing the complete opposite. Often it can be closure–a little reminder of why you left in the first place. The shame helps confirm that you shouldn’t have anything to do with that person or that situation, and in the end, the “shame walk” can be the thing you need to keep on walking.

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From YourTango.com

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In the beginning of any courtship, everyone shows up wearing their finest mask and putting forth their best foot. We all can agree that we have found ourselves attracted to someone of the opposite sex who appeared to be perfect on paper until we discovered a little more about him or her that was a complete turn off. We could list a number of deal-breakers that can be a killjoy to a new relationship, but below you will find some of the top four that will shut down the fireworks of any new encounter.

1. Dishonesty

The discovery that a person is not who they say they are is the number one deal breaker. I once coached a client who dated a man that acted like he was a professional athlete who was a divorced doting father of two. Once the relationship got serious, she discovered that the man had a ton of debt, did not consistently pay his bills or child support and was still married to his wife albeit going through a divorce. Distrust from the start is a shot in the heart to any potential love encounter.

For the complete list, visit YourTango.com.

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Source:VH1.com

If you watched “Basketball Wives last night”—and kudos if you didn’t—there were a couple of romantic scenes with Royce and her boyfriend, NFL player Dezmond Briscoe. In one scene, Royce talked about what it meant for Dez to meet her father and they both declared they were in love with each other and marriage was likely in the future. In the other, Dezmond planned a romantic dinner for Royce and then she surprised him wearing nothing but lingerie and a bath robe and they both almost forgot the cameras were there. It was sweet—and almost raunchy—but they kept it on the right side of romantic.

If you’re single, you probably thought, aww I want a man like that; if you’re in a relationship, you probably felt grateful for the man you have; if you were Dezmond’s baby mama, you would have thought, I got something to kill all of that.

Last night, out of nowhere, Christina Nero, the mother of Dezmond’s son, Dezmond Briscoe, Jr., initiated a Twitter war with Royce that she claimed stems from “hearing” Royce said some nasty things about her. After saying what she heard she dropped a little FYI that Dez had been sending her “freaky tweets.”

Not wanting to engage, and being slick at the same time, Royce ignored it, and responded, “…Hows Jr? Cant wait to meet him! ) He’s getting so big!”

That only added fuel to the fire, and after a few more exchanges, Christina posted a host of messages, allegedly from Dez, proclaiming all of the sexually explicit things he wants to do her. From the responses Christina was giving, it was clear she wasn’t on it, and since the messages were supposedly sent a month ago—although the validity of the texts is completely in question considering different font colors and the potential for fabrication—I have to ask, what’s the motivation? I can only conclude she couldn’t stand to see her ex happy and in love with someone else, especially on national TV.

From the responses she was sending to these alleged texts, I don’t think she would touch Dez with a 10-foot pole, especially if she’s the deadbeat daddy she claims he is. But something about seeing him happy and deeply in love as he proclaimed to be on last night’s show brought the hater out of her, and either she exposed suggestive texts Dez sent her or she fabricated them altogether. Either way she put the business out there publicly and on purpose to be spiteful. This situation is why I wrote a long time ago that I don’t think mistresses should confess that they’ve been sleeping with someone’s man—it always has the wrong motive, which means they always do it in the worst way. Even if Dez did send these texts, putting them on Twitter for everybody to see says I’m still bitter and I’m not over you, or if I’m not happy with someone else, I don’t want you to be either.

This stunt is hardly unique to the BBW crew. Though some women are more than happy to see an old boyfriend move on, I’ve seen my own friends engage in Facebook battles, putting up old profile pictures with their exes to upset the next girl, knowing they didn’t want anything else to do with that man, but they didn’t want him to be happy either. In the end, they just looked silly because they were putting in a lot of energy on a ship that had already sailed, sunk, and was lying at the bottom of the ocean. It’s the classic, if I can’t have you, nobody else can syndrome, and it’s completely embarrassing on a social media level.

Breakups are never easy and when there’s a child involved and you have to deal with that other person for at least another 18 years of your life, there will definitely be situations that bring up particular emotions or ill feelings that stunt your ability to move on when you may still be wishing things were different. Regardless, Internet battles are definitely not the place to hash it out. In fact, there really isn’t anything to hash out at all. If he’s moved on, let him be. And even if he’s still trying to get on when he has another girl, don’t try to throw her under the bus for choosing a bad dude just like you did. Women have enough problems to deal with without beefing over some man for no reason. If he’s the one you have a problem with, take the anger out on him, Facebook and Twitter stalk all you need to until you get it out of your system, but don’t be careless with her feelings. In all honesty, if things don’t work out with you and a guy the best thing you can do is move on and be happy that you no longer have to deal with him because the reality is, he’s somebody else’s problem now.

Have you ever had to deal with an ex who couldn’t let your man go? Have you ever been that girl trying to stir up beef in your ex’s new relationship?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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From YourTango.com

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“Have faith that true love is meant to be and one day love will come shining through. No matter how sad your heart is, the love that you wish for will come true…if you believe.”

When a relationship is over, it’s time to let go. Holding on to a past love clutters up your heart and mind. Letting go opens up the space and possibilities to attract the partner of your dreams. Try these things to stop dwelling on the relationship you had with your ex.

For the list of 14 things to stop doing now, visit YourTango.com.

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From HelloBeautiful.com

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When it comes to the best friend’s ex there are two rules:

1) Never hook up with them

2) Only date them.

Our dating experts discuss whether it’s ever okay to date your BFF’s ex.

For the juicy takes on he said/she said, visit HelloBeautiful.com.

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From YourTango.com

Breakups are never fun, especially when the sex was fabulous. Sleeping with an ex can be so tempting because of the feelings you once had and the memories of how your ex made you feel in your most intimate moments together. It’s even easier to slip into the ‘sex with the ex’ trap if you were once married. Either way, sex with the ex — while extremely tempting — is rarely a good idea unless you can work things out and get back together. Are You Easily Seduced? EXPERT

Here are four reasons why joining the sex-with-the-ex club isn’t such a great idea after all:

For the reasons, visit YourTango.com.

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