All Articles Tagged "Ex Lovers"
Dear Unsatisfactory Lover,
Effective immediately, your services shall no longer be required and all previous privileges and access rights to my vajayjay have been permanently revoked. You showed such great promise, however, your complete oblivion to my dissatisfaction with your sexual performance became too much to bear. I understand that this may come to you as a shock so allow me to calm some of your fears by offering a few tidbits of advice that you can later reflect on and apply going forward in your future endeavors.
1. Stick to the Schedule
Showing up late or sticking around well past the agreed upon session time is not how this type of arrangement works. Let’s be real — we were not dating, we were not even friends, we were just f-ck buddies, so understand that I’ve got sh-t to do that doesn’t involve you for the remaining 23 hours of my day. Be punctual and consistent.
2. “Cleanliness is next to godliness”
Bathing is your friend. As a courtesy, please freshen up your musty balls, clean you finger nails, scrub your face and brush your teeth before coming over.
3. Always keep condoms on hand
Thought you could finagle your way into smashing raw? Think again! I still remember that split second look of disappointment on your face when I pulled out my own box of condoms since you’d conveniently forgotten to buy some (again). You really tried it.
4. Use your fingers (properly)
Notice how I said “fingers” (plural)? That half-hearted lone finger thing you do does nobody any favors. Even my gynecologist does a better job than you. So go ahead and shove two or three of those bad boys up there… like really get them up there and feel around for a bit.
5. Oral sex is a two-way street
It’s quite simple really:
You eat = I suck; or
You don’t eat = I leave.
Those are your options.
6. Congratulations you have a big d*ck! Now put it to good use
Big or small, you’ve still got to put in work. Having a big penis doesn’t give you license to lie on your back the whole time and watch me do all the work. Sex is a team sport.
7. No, I don’t believe that your penis accidentally found its way to my booty hole
Oh the trickery! Did you seriously think that I wouldn’t notice you trying to slide your behemoth of a penis up my butt hole? You’re not that slick. Any anal play requires a pre-consultation and assessment, after which I still reserve the right to say no. Bottom line, don’t just go for gold without asking.
8. Pay attention
Instead of worrying about how good your muscles look in the mirror or the forced porno sounds that you insist on making, put more effort into following directions and being attentive to what’s actually working. Every woman is different which means that you need to learn your new partner’s preferences.
9. Sex doesn’t end when you ejaculate if I haven’t climaxed yet
Ditto Missy Elliot when she said, “I don’t want no one-minute man.” If you’re quick to cross the finish line, might I suggest that you rub one out beforehand. If that doesn’t work, communicate and slow down the pace if need be. If that doesn’t work, refer back to #4 (use your fingers) and #5 (oral sex). Sex is meant to be mutually beneficial, so if you can’t deliver…
Good luck to you and to the next woman you have sex with.
What are some of the things that bad ex-lovers have had you endure?
As close and in love as you may be with your current partner, I think it’s safe to say there’s something your partner doesn’t know about you. While I believe that most couples should have little to no secrets between them, revealing too much or digging up the past that has no bearing on who you are today may be irrelevant, and cause unnecessary drama in your relationship. All couples are different, and if you feel your union is so strong that it can sustain anything that you divulge about yourself, then great! But if you don’t feel obligated to reveal everything there is to know about your life, here are a few things we feel you might be able to keep close to the vest…with a few caveats of course.
The best part of being in a relationship for most people is the friendship you’ve built with your partner. While passion, chemistry and great sex make up a large part of attraction, friendship and mutual respect are what keep a relationship growing and strong. But what happens when that relationship ends…for whatever reason? Can (or should) exes remain friends? Personally, I think exes can be great friends, but it may take some finesse…and time. After all, if you started off as friends, you should be able to maintain the friendship right? Sometimes the friendship was the best part of the relationship, and just because you don’t make it down the aisle doesn’t mean all is lost. After all, you’ve shared memories, made each other laugh, confided in each other and know each other’s deep dark secrets.
But some may say that this is exactly why you CANNOT be just friends. You’ve shared memories, made each other laugh, confided in each other and know each other’s deep dark secrets – AND YOU’VE SEEN EACH OTHER NAKED! If you’re unsure on if you should bring the relationship back to the friendship level, consider these things before you take it there.