All Articles Tagged "envy"
No matter how hard you try, your relationship will never be perfect. Hopefully, you enjoy the good times and work to fix those that aren’t so great. One of the biggest mistakes a couple–or someone in a relationship–can make is comparing what they have to other people. Does it even sound like a good idea? Here’s why you shouldn’t do it.
There’s a fine line between wishing you had what someone else does and feeling resentful it’s not yours. Jealousy is a powerful emotion that, unfortunately, can make the prettiest person really ugly. Let’s face it, we’re human and don’t always make the best decisions. The first step in change is admittance, right? Here are some signs you have major jealous tendencies.
We’ve all felt a little envious of someone’s career at one time or another. I mean, we’re all human right? Still, we need to keep the emotion in check before it leads to feelings of self-doubt, resentment or unhappiness. Here are some tips for overcoming career envy.
People really know how to press your buttons.
This week I received an interesting email (to say the least) from a “close” family member of mine. I use the term close loosely considering this person and I don’t really talk let alone see each other. It was hard to tell what I was reading… and if she was trying to give me a “read” about my life.
“I know you think you have it all together, but you don’t,” part of the email read. Where the heck did this come from?
There was more to the email that mixed in other randoms and ended with a “love you, be blessed.” I sat in my chair for a few minutes dumbfounded about what I read. Why does this family member think I have it all together? Do any of us really? Do I give off the aura of arrogance? After going through a round of questions in my head, I gave my response and then dismissed her email as well as her beliefs about me.
Don’t get me wrong, I can take criticism and think it can benefit us all–provided it comes from the right place. This made me think about envy and how all of us at some point in our lives are guilty of it. I have a feeling her opinion festered in her mind for a few weeks considering she came to visit not too long ago. My husband, one-year-old son and I relocated from the East coast to the South almost a year ago that affords us the opportunity to make our dollars stretch. We’re no longer in a two-bedroom condo but have a four-bedroom home with a ton of property for our growing family. Considering I’ve never heard these comments before, I can’t help but assume they came after she saw our home.
At the end of the day, you’re always going to have people in your life who see your blessings but not your struggle. Whether it’s a jealous co-worker or loved one who you think has your best interest at heart, you simply can’t help how other people feel. Yes I’m a work-from-home mom who calls a room in the house her place of business, but it’s no walk in the park. Did you think I had it all together years ago when I was struggling to drum up business and do what was necessary to pay bills? Do I have it all together because I’m happily married–or did you forget the past hurt from prior relationships? With so much divorce in our family one would think you of all people would be thankful there are relatives trying to rewrite history.
Part of me can’t get mad because I too am guilty of being envious of other people. In my industry are standouts who appear to have it all and make their jobs look easy. Rather than focus on them and try to tear them down, I have learned to make it fuel for my own hustle and congratulate them on their accomplishments. I was always taught to celebrate others and their blessings as it means God is in the neighborhood. It’s only a matter of time before my hard work pays off. Lord only knows the battles they had to deal with behind closed doors to get to where they are. You never see the full picture or the blood, sweat and tears that goes into success, so stop judging the end result. Envy robs you of your joy and belittles the progress you’ve made. It also doesn’t pay the bills.
It’s important not to allow others to cast an image of who they think you are on you–especially when they do little to nothing to change their own situation. I guess it’s easy to throw bricks at others instead of working to build up your own house.
With the ubiquity of loose women spreading their goods all around, and doggish men chasing every bone they can get, it can be hard to find a good companion and maintain a healthy relationship. But when you finally find that one; that man who makes you feel like you are the only woman in the world (not to be corny), one who erases the pain caused by all the guys you knew before him, you’re like a cop in a donut shop: happy as all hell! And boy, do some people hate to see you in relationship bliss…
They get in your ear, repeating rumors and telling you everything they heard your man did with this one, that one, and the third. But when one of those envy-filled, joy-snatching naysayers happens to be a friend, then things can get messy.You’d think that those closest to you would want nothing but the best for you. Well, unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way. So how can you tell if one of your best buds is also one of your top haters?
If everything that comes out of honey child’s mouth regarding your man is a negative remark, chances are, she’s jealous. Now I know our friends can be a little hard on the people we date in the beginning; throwing jabs, analyzing their behavior and doing everything they can possibly think of to test them out. But if your friend is always coming down on your beau for no good reason at all, then there’s something more than innocent good-friend motives possibly fueling her negativity. Just say his name and she’s rolling her eyes and her teeth, looking like her arch-nemesis just crashed her party. You can damn near feel her blood boil and see steam blowing from her ears. And when she’s dogging your relationship and/or your man to other people, it’s really clear that she has a problem. Yeah, it’s true that your friends will not always like who you date, and she may genuinely not like your man as a person. But he’s in a relationship with you, not her. And if she was a real friend, then she would hold her tongue and tame her animosity for the sake of your happiness.
But if you really want to know if your homegirl (or boy) is praying for your relationship’s downfall, observe her behavior the next time you’re around you’re boyfriend. Invite a group of friends over for a game night, or plan a fun get-together at your favorite restaurant or bar—whatever you do, make sure there is a group of people around so when you get into action with your boo, it’ll be less awkward and she won’t feel like a third wheel. Show your man a little extra love this night. Adorn him with kisses, squeeze him up—girl, just be all up in his face! In the midst of all the lovey-dovey moments, watch your friend’s reaction to all the action. If you catch glimpses of pure disgust (and not the usual get-a-room face), along with nasty looks and green eyes, then Bingo! You’ve caught her slippin’.
There’s no way to excuse it. If you’re with a good man who’s treating you right and everyone around you knows you’re happy, then there’s no way a genuine friend would be repulsed by your contentment. She should be happy that you’re happy, not shooting your man down, bad-mouthing him around town, or condemning your relationship. So if this sounds like someone you know, maybe you need to reconsider calling this person a friend.
Death to Facebook and their invasive notifications! Seriously! Not too long ago, I was scrolling through my news feed and realized another one of my “friends” was engaged, and the comments kept rolling in.
“Ah man, I’m so happy for the both of you.”
“When’s the wedding? I better get an invite!”
The comments continued for God knows how long. So I did the polite thing, hit the “LIKE” button and kept it moving. I logged off and checked Instagram, and I was only two or three pictures in, and what do I see? Another college buddy of mine who posted pics of their wedding.
“You look gorgeous!”
“So proud of you two! Congrats again.”
“That dress is everything!”
By this point, I was scared to check Twitter because If I saw an I’m-expecting-my-first child-Tweet, I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle it!
I’m six years removed from college and I feel like I’m just getting started in a lot of aspects of my life. I’ve finally found my dream gig, working in the entertainment-media industry after years of trying to climb through the back window. But now that I’m finally here, folks are starting families and buying homes. It makes me wonder–Am I behind in life?
Read more on HelloBeautiful.com.
A few years ago, I was invited to attend a promotional event that focused on African-American authors and relationships. The atmosphere was filled with laughter, intriguing conversation, and a number of single, attractive men and women. At about 9:30 p.m., an extremely handsome gentleman walked through the doors of the venue with his business partner and took a seat just as I was getting ready to speak about my book. Shortly after my presentation, the event ended and instantly turned into a “mix and mingle” networking session. As all of the authors and attendees engaged in conversation, I started gathering my things to head home.
Before I could finish putting my things away, the handsome gentleman made his way over to me and began what was his form of flattery. He began the conversation very casually and smoothly by complimenting my presentation and the concept of my book. He then shifted the conversation toward discussing several marketing strategies with me. Before long, we exchanged information. Shortly after our initial conversation, I contacted him to gather more information about marketing; and then soon after that we were emailing, calling, and texting each other almost every day to discuss everything but marketing. We repeated this pattern for about two to three weeks, and before I knew it, we were in an intense relationship. During the beginning stages of our relationship I was on the path of starting my writing career, so there were a number of events I was invited to attend to speak, book signings and invitations to provide commentary or other articles for various magazines, etc. So of course, while all of these wonderful things were happening to me, I shared them with my new significant other. Initially, he celebrated with me, but as more doors opened for me in my professional career, he seemed to be happy, but he expressed it differently.
While my then-mate congratulated me on my small victories, he would say things like, ‘Let me see what writing I can do for this magazine,’ or ‘you know how I do things…I spend my evening with stars and meeting all sorts of people,’ so on and so on. It also seemed as though every time I shared something with him, he would say what he was going to do next, or what he was planning to do. Initially, this didn’t bother me because I simply thought he was sharing his small victories and plans with me, but as time went on and he consistently mentioned all of his victories to me, I noticed how his attitude towards my success changed. He suddenly became disinterested in hearing about my accomplishments (not that I shared all of them or threw them in his face), if he couldn’t make it to an event he wouldn’t ask me how things went, and if he did ask about the event he would say things that were demeaning and discouraging. As I started noticing these changes, I thought I was being overly sensitive to the fact that he wasn’t as interested and excited about my small victories as I was, so I gave it some more time and more observation of his character; and sure enough I was right…he was trying to compete with me.
Did he openly admit that we were in a competition…no; but the signs were all there. He wouldn’t celebrate with me as much, nor would he even try to motivate me as he once did, amongst other things. I initally thought to myself, maybe he’s intimidated by me, or maybe he just wants to focus in more on his career because as my career grew, I noticed that he worked hard at getting his career off the ground and stable. Who knows? But at that time in my life I felt as though I was involved in a miniature battle of the sexes, and I hope this never happens again because when I’m in a relationship, I want to motivate my mate to do better and support him wholeheartedly, but I want and deserve the same in return. I once heard someone say that some men are intimidated by strong or successful women, and I often thought that that was the case with my then mate; but then I realized that if a man is truly a man he will not be intimidated by any woman. Whether he is as successful as she is or not, if he is a real man he will be secure in who he is and who he’s not, what he has and what he doesn’t.
How may relationships have you been involved in that turned into a competition?
It was that great poet laureate from Brooklyn, Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter, who once poetically avowed in the song, “Heart of the City (Ain’t No Love)” that, Males shouldn’t be jealous that’s a female trait.
For some reason, it is an accepted belief that women, and women alone, succumb to the enticement of the green-eyed monster. If you ask most folks, be it woman or man, they will probably confirm that in general, women tend to be more catty and jealous than men and are more likely to act out of malice towards other women because of our envy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this sentiment casually roll off the tongue as if it were fact, and how many times, in turn, I have rolled my eyes as a response. I’m always amazed at how many people are willing to believe that women are the only gender capable of acting out badly based upon their inability to check their emotions.
Well I am here to tell you that unless he has been diagnosed with some sort of anti-social personality disorder, you can bet that men do indeed have emotions. I know, shocker right? Well let me blow your mind even further: that envy, which men might feel over an individual, can too be directed at other men. I’ll give you a second to process that point…
…got it together now? Okay good.
Show me a guy that is extremely gorgeous and happens to attract lots of attention from the opposite gender, and I’ll show you at least a dozen guys ready to pounce on him like Nino Brown did to the poor beautiful delicate flower Kareem Akbar in New Jack City (we know that was because he was light-skinned and pretty, right?). You might think I’m exaggerating, but if you want to witness true shade in action, pay close attention to how some men will speak of other men, whom they find threatening in some way. Men might not be as direct as women and attack a man over his physical appearance (i.e. shoes, body type, hair, etc…), but he will execute a well-aimed yet subtle hint about this man’s sexual preference and sit back as all his personal insecurities, fears and anxiety are transferred onto the back of the poor unsuspected schmuck.
Like for instance, I posted a promotional picture of the Kenyan Rugby “futbol” squad on my Facebook page. All the players in the picture were shirtless and were either in a pair of shorts or had a towel wrapped around the waist. And while all the men looked different, what was noticeable was how deliciously fit and toned their bodies were. I posted the picture a few months back so I can’t remember exactly how I captioned it (and I’m too lazy to search my timeline for the answer), however, I do recall writing something tongue and cheek and suggestive about orchestrating a real single ladies tour back to the Motherland (In my Beyoncé voice, singing, “If you like me than you should have put that thing on me…”). Anyway, the picture got lots of attention from the ladies in my network, who “liked,” shared and co-signed their newfound appreciation for international rugby. And the hens must have been having way too much fun because in the midst of us cackling about this fictitious voyage we were mentally embarking on, a male Facebook friend of mine decided he needed to offer his thoughts on why we were wasting our lustful time:
“I’m pretty sure that at least two of the guys in the picture are sweet.”
“Sweet” as in lacking in masculinity and/or bravery. Also used to describe a man with homosexual tendencies. And with that, all the chuckling and virtual hi-fiving had come to a screeching and uncomfortable halt. How my male Facebook friend was able to gauge individual sexuality just from looking at a single picture of men standing around pretty innocuous – with the exception of their missing shirts – is beyond my scope of understanding how “gaydar” actually works. Nevertheless, my Facebook friend was certain of this fact enough and felt compelled to cue us ladies in – just in case we were thinking of getting a little too carried away in our mid-day fantasies.
Although my Facebook friend may have felt that he was just poking fun at these brothers (and indirectly at us women), what I found very telling (and annoying), was how he felt that just putting out questions about these brothers’ sexuality would be enough to add insult in hopes of detracting away from the attention they were receiving because of their physical beauty. Nope. Sorry. For one, it’s a damn picture. I don’t even know any of these guys’ names, what positions they play or even how the hell rugby is played (I’m guessing there is a ball involved somewhere…). So why would I give two craps if these guys in this picture are gay or not? Matter of fact, when did being gay and being aesthetically pleasing to the eyes become mutually exclusive?
Anyway, this is what I told him in the comment section below the picture. And of course, this sparked an unnecessary debate in which he accused me of being sensitive and angry. But I swear I wasn’t angry, although I will admit to being a bit annoyed. I know how it goes when men want to make another guy look bad in front of the opposite sex. After all, jealousy and envy are emotions that both genders share. However, just as more women are becoming more conscious about how hurtful and counterproductive body-snarking is among women, I wish that more men would too stop the hate and understand that your insecurities and anxieties are no reason to be borderline homophobic.
Most men and women long to have partners who love and care for them, help them out from time to time and inspire them to be better people. But sometimes, gently nudging your significant other out of love in an attempt to “help” can suddenly turn into something else. One minute you think you have a loving boyfriend, the next minute he’s trying to control your every move. I’m not talking about violent or abusive men who use force to try to dominate you. I’m talking about emotionally or mentally manipulative men who try to convince you that he’s only looking out for your best interest and who are simply overly protective of you. If you’re not paying attention, you may miss his subtle attempts to try to control you. If you can’t tell the difference between a truly genuine person who only wants the best for you and the relationship and someone who is deceptively trying to control you, look out for these warning signs.
I really hate when I, a music junkie, am made to suffer because members of my favorite groups cannot seem to get along. Selfish? Perhaps but when you’re in a group, you have to realize that there is someone who’s the better singer or performer and you cannot let the group suffer because you’re all up in your feelings. Check out some of our favorite groups who have let ego, pride, anger, jealousy and anything else you can think of get in the way of us enjoying them together.