From YourTango

According to PsychCentral, new research finds that some people are better off not having a spouse than being in a poor relationship. Furthermore, people in bad relationships had more than double the risk of depression than those with the best relationships.

The interesting thing is that most of the psychological community would believe that you are depressed because your husband isn’t doing the things you want him to do or he is doing things you don’t want him to do. This means that he is completely responsible for your depression and the challenges in your relationship.

I’m going to say it a different way. Please bear with me until the end of this article because in the beginning, it might sound like I’m trying blaming you for your depression but that’s not what I’m doing. By the end of this article, you should understand your depression better and have a more empowered sense of what to do about it.

Depression is not something that comes from outside circumstances. Depression is a behavior you generate in your best attempt to get something you want. When you are unhappy in your relationship, you use depression to help your husband see just how unhappy he is “making” you. Of course, he is not “making” you feel anything. You don’t like what he is doing so you use depression as your best attempt to control him to do what you prefer.

Do I actually think you are doing this with malice and forethought? Of course not! Women do not sit around and plot and plan to use depression to control people. This almost always occurs on a subconscious level.

InsideOut Empowerment, based on the legendary work of psychiatrist Dr. William Glasser, tells us that behavior is never reactive; it is always proactive created to help us get more of what we want. You are in a relationship. You aren’t happy because your relationship isn’t the way you’d hoped it would be. You have identified your husband’s behavior as the cause of this unhappiness. Your depression is a behavior your subconscious creates to help you get your husband to change.

Read more at YourTango.com

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From BlackVoices

Dear Sista Complains A Lot: There is something that I’ve been wanting to say to you and I finally think it’s time. I’m hoping that you can hear me over your constant grumbles of discontent. I’m praying that you can put aside your finger pointing, wailing and yammering for just a few minutes and process what I have to say.

The honest truth is that no matter how much time you spend “venting,” whining or complaining, the only person that can change your situation is you. I’m sorry, but it’s my turn to complain. You need to know that talk without action is just a bunch of noise.

If you are reading this letter and you are not sure if it applies to you, there are a few clear signs that you’re a Constant Complainer: If you call your friends and they don’t answer or call you back. When your sister or best friends constantly says, “Are we back on this subject again?” If your Mama always says, “Baby, just let that go already!” Or, lastly, if your co-workers have stopped inviting you to lunch and wrap things up fast when they see you coming.

I have some suggestions based on what has worked for others in my life and for me.

Go On a Complaint Diet, Girl!
Limit the number of people and number of times that you vent about a situation, I usually stick with 3. But get it out of your system in the first 72 hours so that you have time to move on. If the situation is long term, move immediately to the next step.

Hatch a Plan
Once you have sat and processed the problem. Come up with a reasonable plan of action to get over it and on with it. Sharing your plan with the same folks you regularly vent to is a great way to let them know you are moving forward, and I’m sure their support will follow.

Read More at BlackVoices.com

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Most men tend to hide their feelings and emotions, but when a man is in love, you’ll know right off the bat. Even if he tries to hold back his feelings, rarely is a man ever able to successfully conceal being in love with a woman. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship that has grown and strengthened over the years, it’s likely that your guy is head over heels for you. But just in case you aren’t sure, here are 15 tried and true signs.

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When you’re looking for a reunion of some sorts, it’s probably never a good idea to put it out in public.

According to the National Enquirer, Jamie Foxx’s father, Shaheed Abdullah (his former name was Darrell Bishop), has been trying to get in touch with the actor for years but Foxx will not return his calls.  His father is now very sick and is still looking to speak to his son.

This was all told to the Enquirer by Abdullah’s wife, Hellema.  She says that her husband now has scar tissue on his lungs and is on oxygen everyday but is still hoping to end the feud.  As she states, “We’ve called Jamie several times over the years and left hundreds of messages.  But he has never returned our calls. I just wish Jamie would call.”

Foxx has told the story many times in the past that he was raised by his grandparents (his mother’s adoptive parents) after both of his parents abandoned him. While they continued to live close to him, neither parent had a hand in Foxx’s upbringing. In fact, Foxx credits his grandparents, particularly his grandmother, in making him into the man he is today.

A source said Foxx and his father kept in touch which his father for many years due to his grandmother’s encouragement. However, that ended in 2004 when his grandmother passed away. The source says Jamie is getting revenge on his father for abandoning him when he was young.

During an interview with Oprah last month, Jamie revealed that his mother Louise and her ex-husband live with him so Hellema wonders why he’s helping her but holding a grudge against his dad.

While that may be a valid question, it is irrelevant in trying to repair a relationship. No matter how old a person may be, they may never forget how they were treated as children, especially by their parents.

What do you think? Should Jamie give his father a call and get to the full root of their problems? Should his father just forgive himself for what he’s done and move on?

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The assumption is that women are emotional creatures who can’t possibly separate feelings from the physical act of sex. We know that that’s not necessarily true, so we checked in with our Facebook friends to see what they say to say about the topic, whether or not they can successfully engage in casual sex and when they realized they could or couldn’t do it.

Rolanda: When I got older and “needed” to release tension. No harm no foul as long as both parties are ok then it should not be an issue

DaGeneral: I am not able to have casual sex. I realized this in 2006 after casually dating throughout college. For me, vajayjay is a prize to be awarded to someone extraordinary. And most are just ordinary.

Lourdes: I can do no problem I learned that sex and emotions are two different things in my late 20′s I’m 41 now.

Natalie: Casual sex=casual STD’S, and drama. I am too valuable to jump from random to random. Single and not having sex till my king finds me and puts a ring on it. LADIES KNOW YOUR WORTH!

Willona: I use to be, before my son was born. I didn’t care but now I don’t want him thinking its ok to have casual sex and there are too many things going on today. Not all men are honest about being single or wanting to casually date. Also there are a lot of DL brothers.

Janell: just because you have “casual sex” dont mean you doing it with everybody catching everything….and don’t know your worth!!! get off your high horses seriously…to each his/ HER own!

Yolanda: To each her own but I grew up knowing, believing and understanding that my body was God’s temple and not a donut shop! Casual sex, never had the urge. I was always too busy elevating my life’s worth and enjoying all of the other blessings which were STD risk free! IJS.

Sharon: What Rolanda said. After my divorce — sex with a dude I knew for some time. I wanted to feel Hot and desirable. He went to work on my body! Yes sir!!

Nakina: ust the word “casual” sex, makes me think as women, we should not be having just casual sex anyway. Our body is a jewel and to me when your sleeping with casual people you are allowing men to put all their, issues, drama, inside you. In other words, u are allowing them to deposit “garbage” all up in you, when it’s casual b/c u don’t know them well. Honestly, I can’t do it! Im a woman of sensitivity, love and I would get attached to easily. To me sex is to be shared between two people who love each other. So how can u not get attached, women who have casual sex with no emotions, I think maybe, lacking some kind of emotions

Satheriea: Come’on its approaching 2013. I can/will & have made a consecious decision to have casual sex with someone. It’s just that ! casual sex. As long as I know it and so does he, for most older women it may have NOTHING to do with” self worth” or insecurities but EVERYTHING to do with taking care of an immediate need that does not have to be followed up on.

Derricka: I’ve tried it and even though I had a good time , emotionally I’m not built for it. None of us are, for real. It takes some serious in securities to keep that kind of a relationship going.

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Women are highly analytical creatures. You give us a sentence and we make ten decisions about your personality. Some may call that judgmental. We like to think of it as smart. Either way, men have to be extra careful with their words around us! Here are some of the trickiest questions women ask.

Source:www.ericroberson.com

Do we allow our feelings for someone to create a relationship that doesn’t exist, or do we allow our feelings to create a reality within a relationship that doesn’t exist? A relationship is defined as an emotional connection, association, or involvement between two people that have mutually decided to commit to each other based on feelings they have for each other. Feelings are an effective state of psychological consciousness in which joy, fear, hate, sorrow, love, etc. are experienced and expressed. They are also spontaneous efforts that are accompanied by physiological changes that drive a number of actions and reactions.

Most relationships begin with a feeling. They initially start with physical attraction accompanied with the desire to learn more about a person which leads to the desire to spend more time with them. After the initial physical attraction, people then move forward to the courting stage, getting to know someone on a more personal level, then being drawn to them mentally, emotionally and spiritually. After taking these steps, a couple may then mutually decide to have and develop a monogamous relationship based on more than the initial feelings they felt for each other. In today’s relationships, many couples skip the step of mutually deciding to have a relationship. They skip, or overlook this step because they are primarily focused on the way the other person makes them feel, and allow their feelings to cloud their common sense and better judgment. Instead of establishing and agreeing upon having a monogamous relationship, they settle for engaging in relationship-like activities without the commitment of a relationship.

Our feelings can often create relationships we think we want because the focus is on self-gratification, rather than building a relationship with a purpose and meeting the other person’s needs. When two people are involved with each other, and things are going well, at some point one person will have the desire to take the courting stage to the next level, but the other person may not. So rather than stepping away from the situation, they settle for less and continue to pretend to be involved in a committed relationship. This happens more often than not because of fear of being alone, the strong desire to be with a certain person, or a lack of self-confidence within.

When reality sets in to the fact that they are not in a relationship, the same feelings that led the desires for a relationship are now crushed.  Learning to mask your feelings for someone is a difficult thing to do, especially after spending quality time with them and getting to know them on a personal and/or intimate level. However, what people must do is set and maintain standards and boundaries for their relationships together from the start to avoid confusion. Even if you are starting as friends, both parties must be clear on the expectations of each other and the relationship.

One of the most common mistakes often made is the conscious or subconscious decision to be sexually intimate with someone you are not in a relationship with. This is a mistake because when you are sexually intimate with someone you give them a part of you and you take a part of them which can bring you closer which makes the relationship more personal and deeper feelings begin to develop. That’s why it is important to set boundaries for the relationship that you both agree on to avoid getting trapped in the reality of a relationship that does not exist. Doing this will spare feelings, avoid confusion and potential drama. When making the decision to become involved with someone, you must be mindful of your intentions and honestly discuss the expectations of both parties. It takes two people to initiate, develop and maintain any type of relationship, and both people must be willing to commit and carry the load.

Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.

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Before you call me a maneater, I should point out that this wasn’t just any man; this was a three-year, on-again, off-again, ex man who got his feelings hurt by foolishly thinking that he could keep making me an option and I would continue to keep him as my priority. I totally know why he thought that, that’s how things had been for the majority of our relationship as I swallowed his explanations of why he couldn’t do this, or be there, or provide x, y, and z, and continued to put in work overtime to show him the value of investing in whatever bullcrap of a relationship we had. Eventually though, I found myself in a position of being the one getting her phone blown up, and being begged for explanations, and asked why I did this, that, and the third and you know what, it felt damn good.

It all started with taking a trip to my ex’s city. I had conveniently put up a status mentioning I was in the city, on his birthday no less, and though I know it was incredibly childish, I wanted him to know I was within arm’s reach yet didn’t bother to call. Though we had been in some sort of potential reconciliation stage a few months prior, we hadn’t spoken in months and for good reason, and not engaging him was a personal triumph for me and not necessarily a punishment for him. He called though. Almost as soon as was back in my hometown, I looked at my phone and found 24 missed calls within an 11-minute span. That’s that good old T-mobile rejection option for you—shows all the calls that came through but you don’t even have to hear them or be tempted to answer in the moment. I was curious what he had to say though and since I was far enough away that we couldn’t come in physical contact, I calmly called back and asked if something was wrong. That’s when I was grilled about where I was and why I didn’t call and when I said I was shown actions that told me he didn’t want to be called I was hung up on.

That was just the beginning. By the time my airport ride was over I had texts asking me what I was doing while in his city, why I didn’t call and when two minutes went by without a response I was called and asked why I didn’t answer, again why I didn’t call and questioned about who I was with as if he was still my man. Oh, but just in case I thought otherwise, by his obsessive inquisition, he wasn’t mad though. I obliged his questions, and repeated the details of my trip in a continuous circle as no matter whether we were talking about the sky being blue or the price of tea in China, we kept coming back to the same question of who was I messing with—again as if he deserved an answer.

In the midst of all this he somehow decided to give a speech that almost sounded like a breakup talk that I found extremely comical since in my head we’d been broken up for more than a year now. But since he wanted to let me know we were just “cool” now and nothing more, yet still continued with a modified question of whether I’d talked to anyone since we’d semi-rekindled things, I decided to be completely honest and say I had. Truthfully, the other person wasn’t even worth mentioning for the two, three weeks max that we were in contact with each other, but since my ex wanted to know and we were “just friends” now I figured I might as well appease him. I didn’t expect the reaction I got, but he obviously was fronting about how “just cool” we were because I suddenly became every name in the book other than Brande—which is very telling of a man’s character by the way—even though he wasn’t mad, he just thought it was “funny.” So funny, that he had to call me another 25 times, leave me four voicemails, send me a slew of texts about all the terrible things he wishes would happen to me, and still think that I would believe for a second he wasn’t mad, hurt (or crazy).

While I really should have been mad at the way he handled the situation, all I felt was an odd sense of satisfaction—increasingly with every call. I used to be the one blowing his phone up, asking where he was, why he wasn’t answering, why he did something to hurt me. But this time I just felt sorry for him because the more someone tries to prove to you how mad they’re not, the more you know just how hurt they are. And I wouldn’t even say it’s necessarily because he loved me so much and realized he lost me, some of his aggression was pure ego showing itself because he didn’t think I’d ever go anywhere because I’d tolerated so much, and that’s something I take responsibility for. There’s also something about not engaging someone when they want to transfer their anger to you that sets them off more than anything. I refused to stoop to his level or apologize for not doing anything wrong. I simply sent a friendly reminder that if he wanted to be mad at anyone, he should be mad at himself because he dropped the ball and didn’t step up to the plate like he should have, and from his perspective another man was now picking up where he left off, and that’s exactly where his mind needed to be.

The borderline harassment carried over to the next morning as more calls poured in nonstop from 10 am til about 10:45 the next day and when I finally answered and he claimed he wanted to talk about me “misleading” him I didn’t have time for it. Again, I reminded him that he was mad because his feelings were hurt because he had no one to blame for this situation but himself. He messed up and now he has to live with the consequence of that decision and by the sheer number of times he’s reached out to prove he’s not tripping, it’s evident he is. I, on the other hand, am chilling and relishing in the moment every woman who’s been in a bad relationship dreams about. The chance where she gets to flip the tables and transfer some of that hurt back to the person who first initiated it not in a vengeful way but more like something coming full circle. I didn’t set out to purposely inflict the level of anger, hurt, or whatever he’s going through over the course of our conversation but I can’t say I regret that he feels it, because it’s a pain I’ve known for much longer and that I won’t ever feel with him again. They say karma is a bia, and now he definitely knows it.

Have you ever felt just the slightest ounce of satisfaction when a man you’re over experiences the pain he caused you?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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By Sheena Bryant

Can We Reverse The Sexual Revolution? Please.
As the first quarter of 2012 wraps up,  I find myself reflecting on the yearʼs progress thus far and I am reminded of the bizarre way this year started for me. While at a friendʼs house ringing in this new year with other young professionals, I had a rather disturbing encounter with one of the other partygoers. He was obviously enjoying the libations a bit more than perhaps he should have. Heʼd ventured too far into my personal space on a couple of occasions already that night and he continued to throw glances my way that hinted at the fact that he was not directing wholesome thoughts toward me.

After some time, he walked over calmly and said simply, “I really want to f**k you.” Without hesitation, he proceeded to pull money out of his pocket and asked, “Will this interest you?” When I told him that it certainly would not, he decided the best course of action would be to up the ante, and to do so again until he figured heʼd reach an amount that would yield a yes. He went as high as the money in his pocket would allow and assured that what wasn’t in his pocket, was definitely in the bank. I remained calm as I told him that his actions were extremely disrespectful and that he should stop talking, immediately, and walk away, swiftly.

Men say crazy things to me all of the time, but what struck me most about the encounter with this man is how comfortable he was with treating me like a prostitute. There was no awkwardness or embarrassment present in his speech; he spoke with ease. We live in a society where sex is everywhere. It is in the images we view on television; itʼs in the lyrics of the music we consume daily; itʼs plastered throughout advertisements for the food we eat to the products we buy. Sex is no longer this intimate thing secretly confined in the boudoirs of lovers. It is so prevalent that men deem it appropriate to proposition women in small gatherings of friends apparently.

It is clear that few people continue to revere sex as something sacred to be shared between two people who love or at least really care for each other. It is completely permissible to engage in casual sex with people who aren’t quite lovers and are quite nary friends. Itʼs totally fine to discuss oneʼs sexcapades in public. Itʼs common behavior to laud men for their perceived sexual prowess and to applaud women who are in control of their sexuality and are liberated in the bedroom. It is certain; we no longer live in a sexually repressed society, and this progress can be looked at in both a good and bad way. The way men and women handle each other these days suggests that all we are to each other is cu**s and co**s.

There are undoubtedly some great things that have come from the liberation that the sexual revolution brought about. But since then, weʼve gone too far left of right. When Iʼm treated like a hooker at a friendʼs house, I canʼt help but ponder—in an age when it is so acceptable to publicly reduce men and women to objects of sexual pleasure (by both men and women alike)—how do we work our way back to something more decent?
While everybody seems to be in the business of selling sex, perhaps we should be having more candid conversations about its return policy. I’m just saying.

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By Angele D. Russell

We’ve all been there: break up with a guy, go out with girlfriends for a celebratory “he wasn’t worth your time” party, and then you wake up the next day wondering if you made the wrong decision. While you might still be holding enough feelings to believe he might change in the future, with some men, it’s best to just count your losses and take your experiences with him as a life lesson instead of running back. Here are six reasons why you should keep it movin’ and not give him a second chance.