All Articles Tagged "emotional"
I won’t front, after watching Rihanna perform “Stay” with Mikky Ekko at the Grammy Awards, I had to give the song another listen…or two…or three, and it’s actually a very well-done ballad for her. And to make things all the more interesting, Ri Ri has actually just released the video for the song to get fans more excited about a track that has nothing to do with sex, money, being bada** or being at the strip club. Instead, Rihanna strips down, in terms of makeup, clothes and emotions, for the visuals for “Stay.”
In the video, the singer thinks long and hard about a love she can’t seem to live without, while rolling around in a cloudy tub of water (which is just cloudy enough to keep her goodies concealed). We also get to see Mikky Ekko, who takes over vocals in the second verse and adds a little extra flavor to the track with his contrasting voice. He walks around a bathroom too, clothes on though (unfortunately), pining about a special someone. Sans the pomp, the designer clothes and the usual confusing images we find in a Rihanna video, this four-minute emotional rollercoaster is actually very refreshing. And may we add, homegirl looks great without all the makeup…even if we still dread that half-shaven haircut…
Check out the clip below and let us know if you love it or not. Enjoy!
“We attract hearts by the qualities we display; we retain them by the qualities we possess; and we destroy them by the qualities we fail to display.” -Liz Lampkin
It was a hot Fourth of July holiday; my son and I were invited to a barbecue for fun and fellowship at a close friend’s home. While the meal was being prepared, my son’s godmother and I were engaging in conversation when the doorbell rang. As my son’s godmother walked toward the door, she stated that it was probably her stepson outside, because he comes to dine with them often. Initially, I didn’t think anything of her comments until he walked over the threshold of the door. This young man was one of the finest beings of God’s creation I had laid eyes on in quite some time, and my first thoughts about him were, Umm, Umm, Umm …(I’ll keep the rest to myself). Then I took a deep breath without anyone noticing to clear the thoughts that were moving about in my head. When the young man walked in, he spoke to everyone, and then my son’s godmother introduced him to me. He said hello, and I responded with the same greeting. He then went outside to join his father. When Mr. Physical Attraction walked past, my eyes followed him, and I intricately observed his every move until he disappeared. When he left the room, I had this feeling of anxiousness and passion to get to know him. But then, I realized that I only wanted to know him because of his outer appearance, and my only concerns were his physique and how I could benefit from it.
The quote above makes a powerful statement. It suggests that we initially draw someone’s attention, emotions and affections by the things we do, we keep someone’s interest with the qualities we have within, and we can destroy a relationship in its entirety by the qualities that are lacking within. It made me think to ask myself, as a woman, what qualities do I display to attract someone’s attention? What qualities retain my attention? What initially attracts me to someone, and what holds my attention? An attraction is to draw by appealing to the emotional, physical attributes, or senses by stimulating interest. It is to arouse or compel that interest, admiration, or the attention of someone by various actions, intellect, or appearance that appeal to the human senses.
There are many types of attractions that exist that include but aren’t limited too: cognitive, emotional, sexual, physical, and spiritual. A cognitive attraction is the compelling interest in someone’s intellect. It is being drawn to the way someone thinks, the philosophies they live by, and/or their points of view about life. This attraction comes from introducing, sharing, and discussing new ideas and thoughts regarding different aspects of life. It brings forth new ways of thinking and points of view of life to someone, which in turn draws the attraction to unfamiliar, fresh, and exciting ideas. An emotional attraction is an egotistical attraction that allows someone to be drawn to an emotion that is lacking in someone else’s life. This attraction seeks to fulfill the emotion that is lacking within someone else to assist him or her in moving forward from a disturbing emotional experience. While seeking to fulfill an emotion lacking in someone else, the person may be subconsciously seeking emotional fulfillment for him or herself. Emotional attractions often lead people to go into the heroine or hero syndrome, which is an egotistical syndrome that leads people to believe they can save and rescue someone else through emotionally-led actions. A sexual attraction is stimulation on the basis of sexual desires. It derives from a physical attraction that is often enhanced by sexually led conversations, sexual gestures, and sexual thoughts. It is also being drawn to someone after engaging in sexual activities. A physical attraction is appealing to the outer exterior of one’s fleshly being and material possessions. It derives from what a person observes with physical eyes and often what someone hears and feels. Sexual and physical attractions go hand in hand. A spiritual attraction is being drawn to the godly and God-ward attitude someone displays, as well as the biblical principles one lives by. This attraction is derived from viewing a person’s walk in discipleship and relationship with God.
While many people have experienced one of these attractions, I’m curious to know what draws and holds one’s attention. It seems as though the strongest of all attractions is physical, because people react to what they see, especially if they like what they see; but how many times has a physical attraction turned into a bad experience? Meaning, how many times has a physically attractive person turned you off because of their attitude, demeanor, so on and so on? And in turn, how many times have you been attracted to someone who is not so physically attractive, but has a heart of gold, and the spirit of an angel? There are many reasons why people are drawn to someone, too many to name, but some primary reasons people are drawn to someone is because they are curious about them, they want to know more about who they are, they may have common interests with them, or they are compelled to assist them emotionally. Whatever the reasons people are attracted to someone, the fact remains that something within someone else taps into the curiosity of another person which leads them to want to get to know them better. Attraction stimulates and peeks the initial curiosity of someone, but which attraction is stronger, and which attraction actually keeps you interested?
Which attractions lead your relationships? Which attraction is the focal point for building your relationships?
Liz Lampkin is the Author of Are You a Reflection of the Man You Pray For? Follow her on Twitter @Liz_Lampkin.
The road to success for Gabby Douglas hasn’t been easy. Thankfully, the young gymnast relied on her mother, Natalie Hawkins and three siblings, Arielle, John and Joyelle. But one person’s been noticeably absent from her life, Gabby’s father Timothy Douglas, an Air National guardsman.
According to an interview with People, the Olympic gold medalist says she didn’t see him much growing up—especially after her parents divorced in 2007. And things haven’t changed much since then. “I haven’t heard from him,” said Gabby. “He’s doing his own thing. What can you do? Everyone has hiccups in their families.”
She hopes to receive an apology from him “at some point.”
Read what else Gabrielle has to say about her family over at ESSENCE.
I’m sure you’ve heard all the sayings about haters in your years: “Make your haters your motivators,” “Haters gonna hate,” “Let the haters hate,” and who could forget the catchy song, “Hi hater”? Nicki Minaj even sent love to her haters in her hit song, “Moment 4 Life” when she said, Shoutout to my haters, sorry that you couldn’t phase me. But as we know as of late, a few of her haters got under the rapper and her bosses’ skin so much that she backed out of performing at Hot 97′s Summer Jam concert this past weekend.
DJ Peter Rosenberg got on stage during Summer Jam before the femmeC’s scheduled performance and declared that her song “Starships” (not Nicki Minaj as a whole) was “wack” and panned it as not being “real hip-hop.” Rosenberg has talked many times on his show, “The Cipha Sounds and Rosenberg Show,” about being one of those old-fogy, take-’em-back-to-the-old-days-of-hip-hop heads and has made his feelings vocal about “Starships” for a while. Once those comments were known to Lil Wayne and his team, he told Nicki that she shouldn’t take the stage. She and the YMCMB camp didn’t stand down from their choice, and through a barrage of Tweets from Roman Zolanski and her camp, she let folks know that while she will ride with her fans until the end, R-E-S-P-E-C-T was most important in this situation. She also reiterated that point in her interview with Funkmaster Flex yesterday.
After doing some thinking, I will say that I don’t disagree with Nicki’s anger and some of the comments she’s made. There is honestly something jacked up about a radio station making money off of you and then turning around and having one of its biggest representatives say you made a wack song, publicly, before you’re slated to hit the stage for them. Doing so before her performance could have fostered negative energy amongst the crowd, and that’s not cool. In everyday terms, that’s like someone asking you to help them cook for Thanksgiving, you get ready to slave over the stove, and then a family member tells Auntie Jackie and ‘nem that a dish you made before was the wackest thing they ever tasted. I’m sure you would feel some sort of way about bringing the plate of dressing after the fact. A random example, but I’m sure you understand. However, DJ Peter Rosenberg isn’t an influential fan who could make or break her, he was a random guy with an opinion. That’s it. Why get so bent out of shape that you let this man cheat your fans out of their chance to see you?
This is not only about hip-hop, but this situation reminds me of the confusion people have between individuals being haters and having an opinion. An opinion with some truth to it that they’re not ready to face. Sure, DJ Rosenberg expressed his opinions at an unnecessary time, but these weren’t new opinions he was expressing, nor was it an opinion that I’m sure she hadn’t heard before. He didn’t say that as a whole, Nicki Minaj wasn’t real hip-hop or that she was a wack musician all around, but that her song “Starships” isn’t real hip hop. And, uh, HELLO, I’m sure even she knows that it’s not. But why care so much when you were the same person saying on the radio that you weren’t worried about pleasing old hip-hop fans anymore anyway?
While talking to an older woman that I once worked with about relationships, she suggested that I write down all of the traits I wanted in my future husband. This list, she said, should even include those superficial things that I wanted in a man. She then told me to read over the list anytime I needed a reminder and most importantly ‘don’t bend’ on the requirements. Although I usually take heed to the advice given by older women, now two years later after revisiting the list that I had created full of superficial qualities and all, my single self has suddenly realized that a little bending won’t hurt; and most importantly there comes a time when a girl must learn to compromise, even on her precious list.
Although a firm believer in women, or anyone for that matter, not settling when it comes to relationships, there is a difference in settling and compromising. Settling means going against everything you feel, want, and believe in order to be in a relationship. Compromising means to bend a little on some things of lesser value (height, size, looks, etc.) and instead focus more on those things of greater value that a man may possess. And while everyone’s definition of settling will vary because we all place greater importance on different things, my basis for not settling means to not bend on those things that go against my values and my happiness. And at this point in my life, everything else is up for debate, even the Boris Kodjoe lookalike that I anticipated meeting one day.
I often consider three things before compromising my list of requirements. First, I ask myself how does he make me feel? There have been times when I actually enjoyed spending time with a man but blocked my feelings from progressing because he didn’t look good on paper.
For instance, he made me laugh and genuinely cared about me, but he was two inches too short from what I considered acceptable and he had a laugh that sounded more like a giddy school girl than a grown man. Plus he wasn’t the cutest guy out there. So although I enjoyed spending time with him, I let my superficial requirements persuade me otherwise. Of course, you can never base decisions on mere feelings, but now when someone makes me happy or I enjoy being around him, I at least open my mind to explore the possibility of a relationship.
I also consider if the things that I dislike about him are upgradeable. For instance, if I hate the way he dresses in public, is this something I can assist him with? If he at least has potential, there is room for compromise.
The other thing I consider before compromising is if he meets the core requirements I want in a man. These core requirements revolve around my morals and values. Basically, does he value family, have a spiritual background, and work hard, although he may not be rich in terms of wealth?
The reality is, if a man can make me happy, is respectful, and shares the same values that I have, I at least attempt to look over those superficial qualities that can’t solely make a relationship. It’s important to know that looks alone won’t make you happy, but a man whose goal in life is to make you happy will.
I am not trying convincing you to ditch your infamous list of requirements. Nor am I suggesting that you marry someone who adores you but you can’t stand the presence of him. I am only suggesting that you consider compromising on some of the things that won’t make or break your relationship, keeping in mind that it’s never a good idea to settle, but instead compromise. And trust me, there is a big difference.
Over the weekend, I read Dr. Boyce Watkins’s column in which he posed the question: “Do Women Really Want to Think like a Man?”
In it, Watkins challenges the much touted advice given by some relationship experts (*ahem* Steve Harvey) that the best way to “win his heart” is to embody the traits associated with manhood. His thoughts are that the modern day version of manhood has been tainted by the commercialization of hip hop, in which sex is more celebrated than healthy relationships. He writes: “How about we write another book called “Act like a lady, think like a woman?” A real woman is not someone who tries to emulate the behavior and thinking of the lowest common denominator. She is not one who juggles men around like a circus bear on a unicycle. She is not someone with a pile of sexual conquests (and subsequent STDs) on her resume. She is someone who commands respect in her relationships, seeks out meaningful love, chooses the right partner, and consistently works to be the best partner she can be.”
I think Watkins has a good point, or at least a foundation for which to build upon. However, I actually get the spirit of what Harvey is saying, although I don’t agree with how he goes about telling women to implement his advice. However, the core of his message is this: Too often women settle for the first man that shows them the least bit of attention instead of dating around to find the right man period. There is no debating that. But is this idea simply a male trait only?
This sort of way that we categorize gender traits is nothing new. In the business world, women have been told that the best way to succeed is to think like men, because men are more competitive and motivated to find the upper hand in their business dealings. Last year, the Washington Post had a column about how women should shop with the same level of brand unconsciousness, and emphasis on quality of garment, as men. Even in advertising we find images of women using their heart to determine purchases and men, being the more stable of genders allegedly, relying strictly on their brains. The message is clear: women are emotional and men, well they are the rationale bunch of the genders.
Men and women are, of course, biologically different. Yet how we compartmentalize our differences has little to do with biological and more to do with societal influences and prejudices. It is not surprising then that the masculine/feminine dichotomy is used to classify things like strength and weakness, reason and nature and rationale and emotions. For instance, a few years ago I got into a heated debate with a high school friend, via Facebook, over his assertion that women were too emotional to lead and that men, were better equipped because it was there nature to be rational. I challenged his theory by spending the rest of the afternoon, intentionally and calculatingly pushing his buttons until he exploded with name calling and yelling, which was demonstrated by the overuse of capital letters.
The point is that men clearly can be guided by their emotions too, even if the emotional response is different. Even science has suggested that while men and women basically have the same hardware, it’s the software instructions and how they are put to use that makes the sexes seem different. That basically means that while he might not pour his heart out to you in sonnets and prose, he might be reduced to tears if his favorite football or basketball team loses the important game.
So what does this all have to do with Steve Harvey and his book and soon to be movie? Well, because it does the same sort of pandering to so called gender specific traits that suggest that women are naturally irrational and men are the only gender capable of being logical. For example, in one of Harvey’s infamous Strawberry Letters, a 26-year-old man involved with a woman started receiving anonymous texts from another a woman. He began sexting with this woman and soon arranged a date to meet this mysterious person at a public place. Upon his arrival, he learned that this mysterious woman was in fact an old college buddy, who was secretly in the closet. An argument ensued. The college buddy threatened to not only tell his girlfriend but also post all of this man business on social networking sites if he did not allow him to “touch” him. Did he oblige? Of course he did, there would be no Strawberry Letter if he simply said no.
Now, this doesn’t sound like the archetype of a rational being assessing whether or not his decisions are aligned with his aims and actions. No, this sounds like a person who is behaving irrationally. Nor does it sound like someone running off of emotions. A purely emotional response probably would have been to act out of anger, kick the guys behind and then think about how it will affect his relationship later. Or it could have meant ignoring the mysterious text messages all together out of guilt he would have felt about the possible hurt he could have bestowed on his lady. In the latter, he could have benefited from his rational and emotional – or as society deems it, his masculine and feminine – sides working together. Instead he acted stupidly, which knows no bounds or gender. In essence, instead of telling us to think like men to make better relationship choices, a better name for Harvey’s book would have been, “Act like a Mature Adult, Stop being Stupid.”
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I’ve had an epiphany. Like many women out in this country (if not wide world), I have too many clothes. Some pieces being things I know in my heart I won’t wear again, things I might punch somebody over taking or messing up, but all in all, things I KNOW I need to let go of. And while I’m sure many can relate, I’m sure we all also know that having an irregular attachment to material things is not hot at all. So if you know you’ve got sweaters from ’98 still bound up in your dresser drawer that you love a little too much, it’s time to do something about it. Do better if this is you…(and I say that with love because I’ve got issues too *smiles*).
Unless you make the conscious decision that your mother’s crib is the hotspot and don’t see a purpose in moving out, chances are, you’re going to have to live with a complete stranger. And while you may be thinking, “I can live with my friends,” know that it’s rarely a good idea. Friends can wear on each other with the quickness when sharing living quarters. But not all living experiences with strangers have to spell danger. In fact, your random roomie can wind up being one of your best friends! But if you’re an unlucky person like me, your roommate can wind up being enemy numero uno. These are ways you can tell that you’re possibly living with the definition of ratchetness, the omen child, or just a really terrible roommate, and signs that you need to watch your back…and your money.
I have a love/hate relationship with women. I love them when they are supportive, nurturing, loyal, honest and generous. I HATE them when they are catty, spiteful, vindictive, gossipy, jealous, frenemy-like and territorial. Having been betrayed more than a few times by women who have displayed the latter, I’ve learned how to better navigate a certain type of woman I must identify and avoid whenever I can help it.
Has anyone ever told you that you are sensitive? Didn’t it hurt your feelings!? Yeah, that’s probably because you actually are sensitive boo…There’s no shame in that though. I’m a bit sensitive myself from time to time, but as long as you recognize that you are and put yourself in check when you need to, you should be all good. But that’s where the issue comes in. Most people who take things too personally won’t acknowledge the fact that they are indeed sensitive. So to help those folks out, aka you, here are a few signs you should be on the lookout for so you can come to terms with your sensitivity.